All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S04E04.1080p.BluRay.x264-WAVEY

Older Ted: Kids, in the fall
of 2008, I had a little problem.

All right, I gotta
get to Stella's.

Tonight's the night, guys.

I've tried it before.
I've failed every time.

This time, I am gonna do it.

Tonight I pick up a lesbian.

Robin, I need your lipstick.

Oh, man!

Take pictures, all right?
Bye, Ted.

I lived in New York,

but Stella lived across
the river in New Jersey.

Oh, man.

Which meant I was
always taking the train.

What's up, Ted? Hey, Matisse.

Hey, t-diddy! Theodore!

You missed it.

Robin got that
national anchorjob.

And we got a free
bottle of champagne.

But it's empty now.

Oh, man.

And as result, it seemed like I
was missing out on everything.

Sorry, we couldn't
wait. It was getting cold.

Oh, man!

Hey, big guy. What's up, g?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just,

you know, I wanna
hang out with you guys.

I wanna hang out
with my friends.

I just feel like I'm spending
all my time on the train.

Okay, how about this. Why
don't you ask your friends

to come out here sometime?

That's a great idea.

You want us to go to New Jersey?

That is rich.

Well, for starters,

I don't have any of my
gold medallions anymore.

I sold them when they went
out of style 400 years ago.

Lily? Sorry, Ted.

I'm a born and
raised new yorker.

I'm programmed to
despise and loathe

New Jersey and all
that it stands for.

Why am I telling you this?

You hate New Jersey
more than anyone.

What? I don't hate New Jersey.
Why would you think that?

And then he cut in front of me!

God, I hate line cutters
more than I hate New Jersey!

Well, that's not true.

There is nothing I hate
more than New Jersey.

Right?

Hey, you want us
to wait for you or...

No, I might be a while. I gotta
drop a massive New Jersey.

Okay, so New Jersey's
not my favorite place.

But once Stella and I get married
and she and Lucy move in with me,

I'll never set foot
in New Jersey again.

Unless I'm going to see a giants
game or flying out of Newark

or, god forbid,
disposing of a body.

Ted, if you murder me
and Bury me in New Jersey,

I'll haunt you forever.

But if I murder you and
Bury you somewhere else?

I'll leave you alone.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Older Ted: Kids, your aunt Robin
was sick of herjob at Metro news 1.

She was sick of the
low production value...

I'm Robin scherbatsky,
and you're watching

etro news 1 at 11:00.

And again at 1:00.

Sick of the stories
she had to report...

So hurry up and get your votes
in for New York's cutest doggie.

And most of all, she was
sick of all the stupid puns.

Four transit workers
were electrocuted

when a subway train
jumped the tracks.

Stay tuned for
the shocking derails.

Joel, people died.

So when the call came in that
she got the big national anchor job,

she finally got to say the words

she'd been dreaming
of saying for years.

Tonight will be
my last broadcast.

I came to Metro news 1
as a little caterpillar,

and for four years, this
desk has been my cocoon.

But tonight, I emerge
an ambitious butterfly.

Why does she sound like an
idiot? Did she have a stroke?

Yeah. A stroke of genius.
This speech is really good.

With one eye on the
horizon, one eye on the truth,

and one eye on all of you.

You wrote it for her,
didn't you?

It's a modified version of the speech I
gave when I had to leave the swim team

because of a chronic
inner ear situation.

Ithoughtyou were the towel boy.

It's part of the team.

So that Saturday,
as Robin went off

for her first day
at her new job,

we all headed across the river

to experience some of that
crazy New Jersey nightlife.

Okay, Stella couldn't find
a sitter, so we can't go out.

Instead, we're all
gonna hang out here,

and it's gonna
be just as awesome.

Right? We got board
games, we got movies,

and I think there may be
some beer out in the garage.

Ted, this is pathetic.
It's Saturday night.

We should be out at
a bar drinking alcohol.

Now I know that
that sounds depressing,

bordering on tragic,
but it's just a fact!

Yeah, and iwanna take
another crack at that chick, Doris.

I know I can land
that lesbian plane.

No snakes on that plane.

Okay, guys.
Come on, you promised.

Let's just hang out
here, try to have fun.

I mean, we're all together.

Friends hanging out.

Isn't that what really matters?

Okay, if we take the next train,

we can be at
maclaren's by 11:00.

We can be there by 10:00.
No, I have to change first.

I am not walking into maclaren's
smelling like New Jersey.

Whoa.

Wow. You guys
really hate it here, huh?

What? No, stels.

No. No, I get it. I mean,
you guys are all new yorkers.

You need to go
hang out at a bar.

Well, you could just hang out
at the coolest bar in the state,

which is so close it
will blow your mind.

And boom goes the dynamite.
The coolest bar in New Jersey.

Yeah, it probably is.

This is great!

We got darts.
Half a ping-pong table.

A fish bowl.

Look what turned out to be
an awesome night as promised.

Maybe we can drop some
bac-os in here and make them fight.

No, thanks. I don't
mess with fish bowls

unless they have
my two favorite fish,

the suckerfish and
the blowfish. What up!

For blowfish? I don't think so.

Marshall.
You're better than that.

Lily. Not good enough.

Stella?

Sorry.

I am not lowering this until
someone gives me the respect

of another person's
knuckles tapping against mine

in a light but decisive manner.

Pretty, pretty.
Pretty, pretty. Pretty...

Who's a pretty baby?

Then know this. Until it gets
what it wants, nay, deserves,

this fist will not yield.

It will not yield.

So who wants to play scrabble?

Sure, whatever.

Heads up, the x tile
is a little hard to read

'cause a couple years ago, it
went all the way through my dog.

You know, maybe we
should get a dog again,

when you move in. When I what?

Great. There's Robin.

I thought they were
moving in with you?

So did I.

Oh, god, am I
moving to New Jersey?

Hey, guys, I bet that
dog was really flying high

after it swallowed a little x.

Nailed it!

Come on!

I can't live here.

It wouldn't be that bad.

You could put a minifridge over
there and maybe some nok hockey.

Nok hockey. Nice one, big man.

Yeah, I meant New Jersey
in general, not this basement.

She wants me to
move here? I don't get it.

We discussed this months ago.

So I was thinking
after the wedding,

you and Lucy could move in here.

Yeah, she could play
out on the fire escape,

maybe make friends with that guy
who sleeps on that couch out in the alley,

ride her bike up and down
Broadway. That's a great idea, Ted.

Look, I don't understand why
you'd want to live in New Jersey

when you have a chance
to live in Manhattan.

I thought having
a rent-controlled

apartment on the upper West Side was
half the reason she agreed to marry me.

Really, I thought it was the
whole reason. What is up?

Robin, hey! Looking good. Hey.

Bump the barnacle.

Stella already told me not to.

How was your first day?
It wasn't.

What? It wasn't my first day.

I showed up and there
were 20 other people.

It turns out, I didn't actually
get the job. I only got an audition.

What, how did that happen?
I don't know,

because he told
me that I got it.

I got it? I got it!

Robin's agent: And just to
be clear, when I say "you got it,"

I mean an audition.
You got an audition.

I don't want there to be any
confusion. You have an audition only.

Not the job.

Thank you! Thank you!

Okay, I'm gonna call and beg
Joe! To give me my job back.

No. You hated that job.

I don't know. It wasn't so bad.

Robin, what did they make
you call tropical storm Hector

when it was
raining cats and dogs?

A furricane.

Hey, Ted.

Rock me like a furricane.

Nice.

Mean.

Okay, yeah, it sucks,
but what can I do?

I mean, I'm not gonna
get that other job.

You guys should have seen
the other women at this audition.

They all had more experience
than me, were more ethnic than me.

There was an African-American
chick with blue eyes.

How can I compete with that?

You can't.

No, you can compete with anyone.

You're Robin scherbatsky.
You're confident, strong, tall,

with crazy long legs
that look great in shorts.

I'm calling Joel.

No, no. Robin, if you call him
right now, you will hate yourself.

Look, lhave slept with lots of
women who afterwards told me off

and stormed out.

And sometimes,
they'd pick up the phone

and they'd call me, and
then we'd hook up again.

And when we were finished, I
could see that look on their faces,

that look that says
they hate themselves

and they wish
they'd never called.

But if you could
see that look...

Actually, you can see that
look, there's a video, wwvv...

No, no! Stop,
okay? I won't call.

Don't drink the beer! I just
remembered when I bought it.

It was right before
I got pregnant with Lucy.

Ted, would you mind running
to priceco and picking some up?

And while you're there, maybe
you could sign up for a card.

I mean, you'll probably end
up going there all the time.

That's the look.

I can't move here. I hate
it here. I would kill myself.

Maybe New Jersey's
not that bad, okay?

Stella has a lawn.

You could get a riding lawn
mower. They sell them over there.

I saw one with a cup holder. I saw
a recliner with a built-in cup holder.

Ieven saw a hammock
with a cup holder.

You live in New Jersey, you
never have to hold a cup again.

I don't think I have as big a
problem holding cups as you do.

I will give you $100
to fist bump me.

$200.

Just put it down, Barney. Your
arm must be killing you by now.

$10,000.

Look, you'll be
right across the river.

You'll be in New York
all the time.

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Excuse me. You guys
are from New York, right?

Yeah, we moved
here from Manhattan.

Do you ever get into the city?

All the time.

See? All the time.

When was the last
time you were there?

We just had dinner
at o'Rourke's.

That's been
closed for six years.

Maybe it has been a while.

Funny, we don't miss it.

I guess we're New Jersey-Ians
now. Honey, look, dog shirts.

I can't do it. I'm
just gonna tell Stella

she and Lucy have to move
into the city and that's that.

Okay, what do you guys
think? Beagle or Boston terrier?

Are those tears?

They're awesome, manly pain
tears. They're not emotional.

Okay, they're
a little bit emotional.

Where's Robin?

Oh, no. She's...

Hey, Shirley,
it's Robin calling for Joel.

Robin, hang up the phone.
Don't do this.

Sorry, I know, okay?

If you don't
hang up right now...

Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin.

So madam butterfly wants
to come back to the cocoon.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry
I said all that stuff.

Well, you can stick your
sorries in your sock drawer

'cause you've
already been replaced.

I've got Brian in makeup and
he couldn't be more exched.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

Okay, look, as much as I wanna see
college boy here wet himself on camera,

if you can get here in time
to read the 11:00 news,

you can have your old job back.

Okay, I have a half hour
to make it to the studio.

There's no way you can
make it to the city in a half hour.

Robin, don't do this.

I know it's scary
to bet on yourself,

but if you don't,
nobody else will.

And I'm not just saying
that to get a fist bump.

Although, come on, a fist bump
would be great. But I really mean that.

I am betting on myself. I am betting
that I can make it there by 11:00.

Hey, did you get the beer?

Yeah, I got a 144-pack.
The rest is in the trunk.

And did you sign up
for the membership?

Why not?

There was a line for the photos.

My hair's a mess. I don't
wanna move to New Jersey.

What? I can't do it,

and I can't see any reason why you
and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.

Well, my daughter
goes to school here,

all of her friends are here,
I've lived here my whole life,

my whole family is here, this
is my house, I'm on the pta

and, as of June 1,
I'm the deputy mayor.

Yes, but my apartment is
really close to the subway.

Ted, we're not moving.
End of discussion.

How can it be end of discussion
if there's never been a discussion?

This is part of being a
parent. I can't just uproot Lucy.

People with kids
move all the time.

I think it would be
really great for Lucy

to grow up in the
greatest city in the world.

Here we go. New York's the
greatest city in the whole wide world.

It's where dreams come true and
pigeon poop tastes like tapioca.

Wanna know a little secret, Ted?

New Jersey is
better than New York.

Better than... you think... I...

The empire state... h&h...

Lincoln... zabar's...
Papaya king!

New York is the intellectual
and cultural hub of the planet.

New York is full of weirdoes
and snobs and mean people.

Ted, do you know that, once, an
old lady actually called me a bitch

and threw a cat in my face?

And you wanna know if that
happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh.

86th and Lex, right in front of
your beloved little papaya king.

Ted, people are
nice in New Jersey.

I mean, it's the kind of place
where you know your neighbors.

Hey, I know my neighbors.

Oh, yeah? Like who?

Right across the
hall, I got claxpamon.

Claxpamon? His name is Paxton.

Love that dude.

Sorry, in a hurry.
Gotta get to the front.

Gotta get off first.

Don't run over Matisse.

Okay, Stella, this is crazy.

You can't actually think that new
Jersey is better than New York.

New York has Broadway.
We win right there.

Oh, no, she did not.
Knuckle up for safety.

We have Atlantic city.

Can't beat the
ac. Pretty please?

No one has to know.

New York has greenwich village.

New Jersey has the shore.

Woody Allen.

Oscar-winning chronicler
of urban neuroses. Bump it!

Bruce Springsteen. Sinatra!

Yeah, he's from hoboken,
New Jersey.

Yeah, but what city
is he singing about?

It's not secaucus, secaucus.

Come on.

Older Ted: Now, you kids
can either believe this or not,

but this is how your aunt
Robin swears it happened.

Look, Stella, I understand
that, coming from New Jersey,

you don't picture yourself
loving New York,

but trust me,
Marshall didn't expect to,

and now he wouldn't think
of living anywhere else.

I hate New York!

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Okay, today I was
walking around priceco.

Have you ever been there?
It's huge.

All the stores in
New York are so cramped.

Every time I turn,
I knock something over.

I'm like some huge monster that came
out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.

But, Marshall,
you love New York.

Yeah, I do,
except that I hate it.

I'm too big for New York, okay?

I'm always trying to fit into
cramped little subway seats

or duck under doorways
that were built 150 years ago.

Hey, guess what? People are
bigger now. Build bigger doorways.

What the hell is
the matter with you?

Small city, big man, give it up.

And it's so loud all the time.

Yes, it's the city
that never sleeps.

Well, guess what,
I like to sleep.

I've been tired for eight years.

Tired and scared with black
and blue marks on my elbows

from trying to fit through
all these tiny elf doorways.

New Jersey's great.

It's got huge stores and lawns and
you never have to carry a cup again.

Not for the rest of your life. I'm not
afraid to say it. I love New Jersey.

I'm just kidding.

Look, Stella, I get it, okay?

I see what you're saying.
I guess,

we could live in Brooklyn.

You know what, Ted?

Live wherever you want.
I don't care.

Awkward silence. Tap it.

Hey, Lucy.
What are you doing up?

There were some loud
noises in the basement.

Sorry about that.

Why don't you get
back to bed, sweetie?

I can't go to sleep
without a story.

Okay, I'll just get your mom...

Why don't you read it to me?

Okay, come on.

You know she thrills
me with all her charms

when I'm wrapped up
in my baby's arms

my little girl
gives me everything

when I'm walking
down the street with you

sing sha la la la la la la

I'm moving here.

Really?

Really.

New Jersey wins.

Thank you!

Wait!

Good evening, New York.

Hey, look, she made it.

Our top story tonight,

the newborn panda at the central
park zoo got its first tooth today.

I guess that makes
her a molar bear.

Molar bear.

Molar bear.

You know what? I really am
done. Good night, New York.

Wow, she really quit.

You think we had
anything to do with that?

Yeah, I think we did.

Nice job, Barney.

Oh, my god! Thank you!

That was killing my arm.

My arm hasn't been this
sore since I was 13 years old

and figured out
how to lock a bathroom.

Up top.

Oh, no.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. What's wrong?

Well, I officially
didn't get that job.

I'm so sorry. That's okay.

They offered me another one.

Hey, that's great.
What are you gonna be doing?

Foreign correspondent.
I'm moving to Japan.