Original subtitles

Older Ted: Kids, in the fall of 2008, I had a little problem.

All right, I gotta get to Stella's.

Tonight's the night, guys.

I've tried it before. I've failed every time.

This time, I am gonna do it.

Tonight I pick up a lesbian.

Robin, I need your lipstick.

Oh, man!

Take pictures, all right? Bye, Ted.

I lived in New York,

but Stella lived across the river in New Jersey.

Oh, man.

Which meant I was always taking the train.

What's up, Ted? Hey, Matisse.

Hey, t-diddy! Theodore!

You missed it.

Robin got that national anchorjob.

And we got a free bottle of champagne.

But it's empty now.

Oh, man.

And as result, it seemed like I was missing out on everything.

Sorry, we couldn't wait. It was getting cold.

Oh, man!

Hey, big guy. What's up, g?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just,

you know, I wanna hang out with you guys.

I wanna hang out with my friends.

I just feel like I'm spending all my time on the train.

Okay, how about this. Why don't you ask your friends

to come out here sometime?

That's a great idea.

You want us to go to New Jersey?

That is rich.

Well, for starters,

I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore.

I sold them when they went out of style 400 years ago.

Lily? Sorry, Ted.

I'm a born and raised new yorker.

I'm programmed to despise and loathe

New Jersey and all that it stands for.

Why am I telling you this?

You hate New Jersey more than anyone.

What? I don't hate New Jersey. Why would you think that?

And then he cut in front of me!

God, I hate line cutters more than I hate New Jersey!

Well, that's not true.

There is nothing I hate more than New Jersey.

Right?

Hey, you want us to wait for you or...

No, I might be a while. I gotta drop a massive New Jersey.

Okay, so New Jersey's not my favorite place.

But once Stella and I get married and she and Lucy move in with me,

I'll never set foot in New Jersey again.

Unless I'm going to see a giants game or flying out of Newark

or, god forbid, disposing of a body.

Ted, if you murder me and Bury me in New Jersey,

I'll haunt you forever.

But if I murder you and Bury you somewhere else?

I'll leave you alone.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Older Ted: Kids, your aunt Robin was sick of herjob at Metro news 1.

She was sick of the low production value...

I'm Robin scherbatsky, and you're watching

etro news 1 at 11:00.

And again at 1:00.

Sick of the stories she had to report...

So hurry up and get your votes in for New York's cutest doggie.

And most of all, she was sick of all the stupid puns.

Four transit workers were electrocuted

when a subway train jumped the tracks.

Stay tuned for the shocking derails.

Joel, people died.

So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job,

she finally got to say the words

she'd been dreaming of saying for years.

Tonight will be my last broadcast.

I came to Metro news 1 as a little caterpillar,

and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon.

But tonight, I emerge an ambitious butterfly.

Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke?

Yeah. A stroke of genius. This speech is really good.

With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth,

and one eye on all of you.

You wrote it for her, didn't you?

It's a modified version of the speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team

because of a chronic inner ear situation.

Ithoughtyou were the towel boy.

It's part of the team.

So that Saturday, as Robin went off

for her first day at her new job,

we all headed across the river

to experience some of that crazy New Jersey nightlife.

Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter, so we can't go out.

Instead, we're all gonna hang out here,

and it's gonna be just as awesome.

Right? We got board games, we got movies,

and I think there may be some beer out in the garage.

Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night.

We should be out at a bar drinking alcohol.

Now I know that that sounds depressing,

bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact!

Yeah, and iwanna take another crack at that chick, Doris.

I know I can land that lesbian plane.

No snakes on that plane.

Okay, guys. Come on, you promised.

Let's just hang out here, try to have fun.

I mean, we're all together.

Friends hanging out.

Isn't that what really matters?

Okay, if we take the next train,

we can be at maclaren's by 11:00.

We can be there by 10:00. No, I have to change first.

I am not walking into maclaren's smelling like New Jersey.

Whoa.

Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh?

What? No, stels.

No. No, I get it. I mean, you guys are all new yorkers.

You need to go hang out at a bar.

Well, you could just hang out at the coolest bar in the state,

which is so close it will blow your mind.

And boom goes the dynamite. The coolest bar in New Jersey.

Yeah, it probably is.

This is great!

We got darts. Half a ping-pong table.

A fish bowl.

Look what turned out to be an awesome night as promised.

Maybe we can drop some bac-os in here and make them fight.

No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls

unless they have my two favorite fish,

the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up!

For blowfish? I don't think so.

Marshall. You're better than that.

Lily. Not good enough.

Stella?

Sorry.

I am not lowering this until someone gives me the respect

of another person's knuckles tapping against mine

in a light but decisive manner.

Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty...

Who's a pretty baby?

Then know this. Until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves,

this fist will not yield.

It will not yield.

So who wants to play scrabble?

Sure, whatever.

Heads up, the x tile is a little hard to read

'cause a couple years ago, it went all the way through my dog.

You know, maybe we should get a dog again,

when you move in. When I what?

Great. There's Robin.

I thought they were moving in with you?

So did I.

Oh, god, am I moving to New Jersey?

Hey, guys, I bet that dog was really flying high

after it swallowed a little x.

Nailed it!

Come on!

I can't live here.

It wouldn't be that bad.

You could put a minifridge over there and maybe some nok hockey.

Nok hockey. Nice one, big man.

Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general, not this basement.

She wants me to move here? I don't get it.

We discussed this months ago.

So I was thinking after the wedding,

you and Lucy could move in here.

Yeah, she could play out on the fire escape,

maybe make friends with that guy who sleeps on that couch out in the alley,

ride her bike up and down Broadway. That's a great idea, Ted.

Look, I don't understand why you'd want to live in New Jersey

when you have a chance to live in Manhattan.

I thought having a rent-controlled

apartment on the upper West Side was half the reason she agreed to marry me.

Really, I thought it was the whole reason. What is up?

Robin, hey! Looking good. Hey.

Bump the barnacle.

Stella already told me not to.

How was your first day? It wasn't.

What? It wasn't my first day.

I showed up and there were 20 other people.

It turns out, I didn't actually get the job. I only got an audition.

What, how did that happen? I don't know,

because he told me that I got it.

I got it? I got it!

Robin's agent: And just to be clear, when I say "you got it,"

I mean an audition. You got an audition.

I don't want there to be any confusion. You have an audition only.

Not the job.

Thank you! Thank you!

Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joe! To give me my job back.

No. You hated that job.

I don't know. It wasn't so bad.

Robin, what did they make you call tropical storm Hector

when it was raining cats and dogs?

A furricane.

Hey, Ted.

Rock me like a furricane.

Nice.

Mean.

Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do?

I mean, I'm not gonna get that other job.

You guys should have seen the other women at this audition.

They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me.

There was an African-American chick with blue eyes.

How can I compete with that?

You can't.

No, you can compete with anyone.

You're Robin scherbatsky. You're confident, strong, tall,

with crazy long legs that look great in shorts.

I'm calling Joel.

No, no. Robin, if you call him right now, you will hate yourself.

Look, lhave slept with lots of women who afterwards told me off

and stormed out.

And sometimes, they'd pick up the phone

and they'd call me, and then we'd hook up again.

And when we were finished, I could see that look on their faces,

that look that says they hate themselves

and they wish they'd never called.

But if you could see that look...

Actually, you can see that look, there's a video, wwvv...

No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call.

Don't drink the beer! I just remembered when I bought it.

It was right before I got pregnant with Lucy.

Ted, would you mind running to priceco and picking some up?

And while you're there, maybe you could sign up for a card.

I mean, you'll probably end up going there all the time.

That's the look.

I can't move here. I hate it here. I would kill myself.

Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay?

Stella has a lawn.

You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there.

I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder.

Ieven saw a hammock with a cup holder.

You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again.

I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do.

I will give you $100 to fist bump me.

$200.

Just put it down, Barney. Your arm must be killing you by now.

$10,000.

Look, you'll be right across the river.

You'll be in New York all the time.

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Excuse me. You guys are from New York, right?

Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan.

Do you ever get into the city?

All the time.

See? All the time.

When was the last time you were there?

We just had dinner at o'Rourke's.

That's been closed for six years.

Maybe it has been a while.

Funny, we don't miss it.

I guess we're New Jersey-Ians now. Honey, look, dog shirts.

I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella

she and Lucy have to move into the city and that's that.

Okay, what do you guys think? Beagle or Boston terrier?

Are those tears?

They're awesome, manly pain tears. They're not emotional.

Okay, they're a little bit emotional.

Where's Robin?

Oh, no. She's...

Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel.

Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this.

Sorry, I know, okay?

If you don't hang up right now...

Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin.

So madam butterfly wants to come back to the cocoon.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff.

Well, you can stick your sorries in your sock drawer

'cause you've already been replaced.

I've got Brian in makeup and he couldn't be more exched.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Okay, look, as much as I wanna see college boy here wet himself on camera,

if you can get here in time to read the 11:00 news,

you can have your old job back.

Okay, I have a half hour to make it to the studio.

There's no way you can make it to the city in a half hour.

Robin, don't do this.

I know it's scary to bet on yourself,

but if you don't, nobody else will.

And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump.

Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean that.

I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there by 11:00.

Hey, did you get the beer?

Yeah, I got a 144-pack. The rest is in the trunk.

And did you sign up for the membership?

Why not?

There was a line for the photos.

My hair's a mess. I don't wanna move to New Jersey.

What? I can't do it,

and I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.

Well, my daughter goes to school here,

all of her friends are here, I've lived here my whole life,

my whole family is here, this is my house, I'm on the pta

and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.

Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway.

Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion.

How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion?

This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy.

People with kids move all the time.

I think it would be really great for Lucy

to grow up in the greatest city in the world.

Here we go. New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world.

It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca.

Wanna know a little secret, Ted?

New Jersey is better than New York.

Better than... you think... I...

The empire state... h&h...

Lincoln... zabar's... Papaya king!

New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet.

New York is full of weirdoes and snobs and mean people.

Ted, do you know that, once, an old lady actually called me a bitch

and threw a cat in my face?

And you wanna know if that happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh.

86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little papaya king.

Ted, people are nice in New Jersey.

I mean, it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors.

Hey, I know my neighbors.

Oh, yeah? Like who?

Right across the hall, I got claxpamon.

Claxpamon? His name is Paxton.

Love that dude.

Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front.

Gotta get off first.

Don't run over Matisse.

Okay, Stella, this is crazy.

You can't actually think that new Jersey is better than New York.

New York has Broadway. We win right there.

Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.

We have Atlantic city.

Can't beat the ac. Pretty please?

No one has to know.

New York has greenwich village.

New Jersey has the shore.

Woody Allen.

Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it!

Bruce Springsteen. Sinatra!

Yeah, he's from hoboken, New Jersey.

Yeah, but what city is he singing about?

It's not secaucus, secaucus.

Come on.

Older Ted: Now, you kids can either believe this or not,

but this is how your aunt Robin swears it happened.

Look, Stella, I understand that, coming from New Jersey,

you don't picture yourself loving New York,

but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to,

and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else.

I hate New York!

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Okay, today I was walking around priceco.

Have you ever been there? It's huge.

All the stores in New York are so cramped.

Every time I turn, I knock something over.

I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.

But, Marshall, you love New York.

Yeah, I do, except that I hate it.

I'm too big for New York, okay?

I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats

or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago.

Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Small city, big man, give it up.

And it's so loud all the time.

Yes, it's the city that never sleeps.

Well, guess what, I like to sleep.

I've been tired for eight years.

Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows

from trying to fit through all these tiny elf doorways.

New Jersey's great.

It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again.

Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey.

I'm just kidding.

Look, Stella, I get it, okay?

I see what you're saying. I guess,

we could live in Brooklyn.

You know what, Ted?

Live wherever you want. I don't care.

Awkward silence. Tap it.

Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?

There were some loud noises in the basement.

Sorry about that.

Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie?

I can't go to sleep without a story.

Okay, I'll just get your mom...

Why don't you read it to me?

Okay, come on.

You know she thrills me with all her charms

when I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms

my little girl gives me everything

when I'm walking down the street with you

sing sha la la la la la la

I'm moving here.

Really?

Really.

New Jersey wins.

Thank you!

Wait!

Good evening, New York.

Hey, look, she made it.

Our top story tonight,

the newborn panda at the central park zoo got its first tooth today.

I guess that makes her a molar bear.

Molar bear.

Molar bear.

You know what? I really am done. Good night, New York.

Wow, she really quit.

You think we had anything to do with that?

Yeah, I think we did.

Nice job, Barney.

Oh, my god! Thank you!

That was killing my arm.

My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old

and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

Up top.

Oh, no.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. What's wrong?

Well, I officially didn't get that job.

I'm so sorry. That's okay.

They offered me another one.

Hey, that's great. What are you gonna be doing?

Foreign correspondent. I'm moving to Japan.