Original subtitles

Here's a bad reason,

but a very popular reason to get into a relationship--

is you're lonely. Don't ever do that.

It's much better to be laying in bed lonely

by yourself, listening to the faucet drippin',

than to be laying next to somebody you have no feelings for,

thinking shit like, well, what if she gets into a car accident?

You know? What if an asteroid just hits her side of the bed?

What if I fake my own death?

What if I do my own death?

I was in relationships, and I'd be thinking that for years.

I'd be sitting there going, "Hey, oh, the turkey's, oh, delicious,"

as I'm thinking about killing myself.

Every relationship I was ever in, Jesus Christ, apologizing,

just backing up, backing up, backing up, backing up.

You're in goal line D the entire time you're in the fucking relationship.

When's the last time you took out the fucking trash? You know?

You take the bag out of the fucking garbage bag.

That's not taking it out. That's setting it aside.

Ooh, you tied it off. Look at you.

You know, so always listen to that voice.

Whenever you're thinking about killing yourself,

that means you're not happy.

[funky synth rock instrumental]

[static]

Please, let another doc do this.

He was practically too embarrassed to ask me for a ride.

How do you think Bonnie and Stu will feel

knowing their neighbor let someone else take care of their son?

Jeffrey, come on.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Mark. How you doing, buddy?

[sighs, whispers] God dammit.

He's, a, uh, neighbor kid, family friend.

Can't you get someone else to do this, Dr. Robinson?

Please call me Jeffrey, and...

I am way better at this than I was cooking those burgers on Labor Day weekend.

- All right? [gloves squeak]

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm just gonna put two fingers up there and grab whatever it is

that's bothering you. - [exhales]

Everybody experiments, okay? So--

You know, Doctor, I think I'm okay.

- No. - I'm gonna be all right. It's--

- It's gonna be fine, Mark, okay? - [sighs]

We've been neighbors for a long time. I've seen this butt before.

There you go. You're gonna feel a little bit of pressure.

It's gonna be a little cold, and...

[groans]

Okay. Whoa, that is sharp, huh?

- And...here it is. - [groans]

[squish] - [exhales] There we go.

[suspenseful music]

CAROLYN: Baby?

♪♪♪

I can explain.

[Mark exhales deeply]

♪♪♪

[moody ballad]

♪♪♪

♪ When they find we're so close ♪

♪ I'll be standing by the stairs and I ♪

♪ I'm ready to implode ♪

♪ Ready to disown ♪

♪♪♪

♪ And the curtain shall come down ♪

♪ People clap and start to frown and you ♪

♪ So dark and insincere ♪

♪ Whisper in my ear ♪

♪♪♪

♪ And if I scream out ♪

♪ Secret thoughts that drag you down ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a thorn in your side no more ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I pray to the god of frail ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ To the god of the frail ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ To the god of the frail ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

♪ For judgment day ♪

[song ends]

[static]

Here's--Here's why I fucked up. You know, like 30 years ago,

way back when I was, you know, still in high school,

this new chick moved to town.

I swear to God, I looked at her, I had a heart attack.

I mean, I was thunderstruck. I immediately fell in love with her.

You know? And of course, it didn't work out,

and I thought about her every fucking day for the next 25 years.

So one day I'm in a bar, and I'm telling my buddy about it.

And he goes, "Oh, yeah, she broke your heart?

She broke up with you?" I said, "No."

And he goes, "Oh, did you break up with her?"

And I said, "No."

I go, "I never even talked to her."

And he just starts fucking laughing.

He's going, "Wait a minute.

Some chick broke your heart that you never even talked to?"

And I was like, "Yeah," and he's just crying laughing,

punching the bar, and I'm like, "What?"

He goes, "Buddy, if you never even talked to her,

for all you know, she could've been a cunt."

And I never thought about her again.

So my point is, if you see some woman, and she makes your heart stop,

you gotta go up and take an at-bat.

You know? You gotta find out if she's a cunt or not.