Original subtitles

Allez, vas-y, route!

La Cale?

Donnes-moi.

Big fish - lots of money!

Let's go.

It's luggage. No-one will notice it in the luggage room.

What no-one?

- You said the joint would be empty. - It IS empty.

They're in Paris for another week.

So why hide it in the luggage room?

Fine! Why not put it out on the terrace

What are you waiting for?!

Allo, oui?

Marion, this is Mrs Calder.

There's been a slight change of plan. Can you open up the house?

Yes, Mrs Calder.

We'll be there sometime before lunch tomorrow, OK?

Yes, of course.

- £8,000. - £8,311.

- Mm. - It's clear enough, isn't it?

Oh, it's clear.

What did you think you might do with it at the end of the day?

That's why I came here.

How much capital have you got elsewhere?

I've got £11,000 in a building society,

there's an endowment policy, I can cash that in and...

Probably a few thousand.

Well, I'm a policeman.

- Er, WAS a policeman. - Ye-es.

Any stocks or shares?

No.

You know...

people think that everyone in Jersey is a millionaire.

- But they're not. - I'm not!

Could you wait a moment, please, sir?

Well.. you might not want to hear my advice, Mr Bergerac.

Go on.

60 back to your former employer and tell them it was all a big mistake.

Tell them they can have their £8,311 back...

if you can have your job back. At the end of the day, the joke is over.

- I can't do that. - Are you sure?

Certain.

In that case, your options are extremely limited.

I'd say, park the money in the building society

and start scanning the appointments columns.

- Wotcha! - Jim, hello!

Sergeant Lomas! How are you?

- Miserable. - Yeah?

I've spent years waiting to be a sergeant and now I've made it,

I haven't got a uniform to put the stripes on!

- How are you doing? - All right.

- Working? - Yeah.

- You? - This 'n' that.

- How long are you over for? - Just for the day. I'll buy you a coffee.

Oh-h.-. Er...

- Oh, I see! Working? - Working, yeah.

- I'll see you about. - See you.

I'm buying a house in France.

A chateau?!

Can I help you with the bags, Mrs Calder?

It's only the children's. Ours can stay in the car.

I'll get that.

It's her lover, Mummy.

She'll have to tell him, "None for you tonight, Jean-Claude!"

Take your luggage in, darling.

I bet she's had him round while we've been away.

IN!

Allo, oui?

I've got the money. Have you taken delivery?

We've got it.

OK, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll phone you from the airport.

- What have we got, Marion? - The groceries.

Ah.

Oh, sir!

You going somewhere, too?

Straight to the point, Jim, how do you fancy the Calder daughters?

- What?! - How do you fancy the Calder girls?

- As a job, I mean. - I don't get it.

You remember the Calders, used to live in that big house.

- Yeah! - They're in Provence now.

Oh, yeah?

Moved there about, oh... six months back, chasing the sun.

Quite near Danielle's place, actually.

Still the same - the mad daughters, and Jennifer's collection of pictures.

Still the same with the alarms that go off four times a day?

They need the pictures curating for a few days.

Curating?

Aye, paintings, furniture... the whole shebang.

- And the daughters? - Well, nothing's perfect!

What, like a nanny?

Not like a nanny, Jim, they're big girls now.

How did you get on with that beggar Wilson?

Well, he was honest. You can't ask for more than that, can you?

I think I'd ask for a bit more than honesty from an investment adviser!

Is it straight business with the Calders?

Oh, yes.

What will you be doing while I'm... nannying?

It's not nannying! It's £125 a day!

Hardly out of your way. It's very near Danielle's place.

Piece of cake for you. It's hardly a job for Life!

I shall be in Milan with Leonard and Jennifer Calder.

- It's important to you, is it? - Aye.

You see, I want to bid for a picture at an auction in Milan and... Oh, thanks.

Jennifer is an acknowledged expert.

- And you don't want to get conned, eh? - WelL..

- OK 150 a day, and you're on. - 1507}

I hope being in business

isn't going to bring out this side of your character too often, Jim.

- Allo. - Everything's OK in England.

- Jersey. - Look, England... Jersey... Who cares?

He phoned, and it's fixed.

- Good. - When?

Two o'clock flight tomorrow.

What about the money?

Cash on delivery at the house.

You don't look so sure.

Look, the family have come back.

But it's only for today. Don't worry.

They're on their way to Italy again.

So the stuff's all safely locked up in the house?

- All the alarms and everything? - Yes.

- Safe and secure? - Yes, safe and secure. Exactly.

Easy!

But not so safe and secure that we can't get at it? Right?

Right.

OK

- You'd better see your girlfriend. - OK

And YOU had better pray that nobody finds it, understand?

- Mm. Bye. - Later

Hey, isn't that Louise?

This is our own personal rental cop.

- Hello, Louise. Is that your house? - Yes.

Has Sergeant Bergerac brought his gun?

It's plain Jim Bergerac now.

- What gun? - Will you take me to town tomorrow?

Maybe. Why?

What a question! Because I haven't got my driving licence.

- Charlie! How are you? - Fine, love, fine. Where's Leonard?

He's fetching the car. You're so late.

There was a bit of a delay on the flight. You know Jim Bergerac?

Of course. Good of you to come at such short notice, Jim.

I'm afraid I had to let our other driver, Jean-Claude, go rather abruptly

for fiddling the petrol I'm not...

- Jim is a security consultant, Jennifer. - But he CAN drive, can't he?

Jim, the trouble we have with security too.

Do you know how long it takes to lock up and alarm our house when we leave?

It ends up being too much of a fag, 50 you stay in all the time!

I just couldn't leave my daughters in a house like this without a man around.

No?

We just try to have someone here all the time.

- That'll be Leonard. Charlie, we must go. - Go?!

Bianchi's promised to let us see some paintings privately tonight.

- If we drive like mad we'll just make it. - Tonight? To Milan?

Don't repeat everything, Charlie.

- Is that all your luggage? - Aye.

Would you put it in the Merg, Jim?

There's another in the garage for you and Marion to use.

- Another one? - Another Mercedes.

You can't drive the girls around in your yellow thing.

Yes, it's a bit small

Marion will show you what's what, where everything is and what to do.

So let's go!

Milan!

- A lady called before you arrived. - Oh. Madame Aubry?

Mmm. She said she'd be busy tomorrow shooting boars.

Thank you.

We thought you'd all be tucked up in bed by now.

- It's time you were. - You could come and tuck us in.

I'll make you some coffee.

I don't think he's very amused, you know.

Would you like to come upstairs and see my mother's new painting?

Hey! Qu'est-ce que vous foutez la?

Vous vous croyez sur le circuit? Fichez-moi le camp!

- Give me a light. - Who's this guy?

Don't worry. Just some creep they got to replace Jean-Claude.

Doesn't make any difference if they change the driver or not.

New chauffeur - no difference at all

Shall we move the stuff now?

No, tomorrow. Evans'll be here. We'll deal with it then.

Let's get out of here. We'll leave this guy with the stuff tonight.

Domani we"ll pick it up, capisce? Let's get out of here!

- Can you drink this stuff? - Bergerac!

I want to go shopping before we go to the railway station.

Yes, it's fine.

Bergerac!

Final call for flight 274 to Manchester, boarding now.

Danielle!

Telephone!

Oui. Je rappellerai plus tard.

- How much is one of those pots? - Don't know.

- Worthwhile, was it - I've got to learn sometime!

How old are you?!

Mr Evans.

Detective Sergeant Lomas, Bureau des Etrangers.

Do you know a Mr Jenkins?

Withdrew a lot of cash from the Trans Commerce Bank

in St Helier, yesterday.

- Jenkins? - Yes, sir.

Jenkins, sir.

- Hello, oui? - Jim?

Ah, Danielle! Where are you?

- Working. Working. - What?

Making sure some business contacts of my father

- don't shoot their feet off. - What?

His boar hunt.

Can I come and see you this evening, please?

It's just what I was gonna ask. When?

After supper.

It has to be after supper.

Do make free with the phone, Sergeant Bergerac

- Jim?! - It's Mr Bergerac and she phoned me.

- Is that all right? - Fine.

- Jim?! - Yeah, OK After nine?

I'll... I'll come for you.

Bye!

Afternoon.

Vous pouvez mettre a 'Amare pour moi, s'il vous plait?

Kids like you have too much money.

- What? - More than's good for you.

- You mind your own bloody business. - There's no need to swear!

But then there's no need to steal, is there?

You change your name? Or is Clarissa Calder short for Mrs Jennifer Calder?

My mother lets me use her credit card, actually.

- Just give me that! Give me it. - No.

- Give me the card. - No!

Swap?

You've got no right to take this.

I am responsible for the safekeeping of your parents' valuables, OK?

Put the tape on, piggy!

- Oh, how much further? - You can see it - it's there.

Oh, and, um...

I'm beginning to feel a bit squiffy.

Well, it was a little bit early to be getting drunk, Amanda.

- Haven't been on the herbal cigarettes? - Is that all you've got?

You could come up with something a bit more exciting than cannabis. Oops!

- Mr Bergerac here used to be a policeman. - Used to be? I thought he is.

Anyway, I bet you can say all sorts of things in front of Mr Bergerac.

Cannabis! Cocaine! Communist Party!

I'd move onto another level, dear, before you get yourself into real trouble.

Coffee! Cream! Claptrap!

Oh, are you OK?

- I think I'm going to puke. - It started on the train.

- We came at 300km an hour. - Did we?

That's jolly fast.

Could you stop the car a moment? I'm having a reaction to the railway lunch.

- The railway double brandies, more like! - We're almost there.

- Do you mind?! - Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...

Well, since you ARE here, Let me introduce Michel Grenele.

I'm sorry.

- Good afternoon, sir. - Michel's my boyfriend.

My mother's hired Jim as a private detective

to defend the household from all comers. Good, eh?

Wait, wait, wait!

Looking good, yeah!

- What's going on? - Ooohh!

If you want any dinner tonight, leave it alone!

- Who is she? - Our housekeeper.

- Oui? Bergerac. - Jim?

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Thought I'd see how you're getting on.

Absolutely swimmingly, Charlie

- And you? - Bingo! I got one! How are the girls?

- Everything's fine, Charlie, fine. - Are you sure?

Yeah. They're very nice people. Look, have a good trip.

Everything's bloody fine.

Would you give Monsieur Grenele his hat back, please, and show him the gate?

- This is my house. - It's not, it's your parents' house.

And I have a responsibility for it, so tell him to get out!

No!

Yes, good.

Qu'est-ce que vous faites la...

avec ce sac?

Donnes-le moi.

Yes, give it to him.

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Bring that torch over here.

It's cocaine. Know anything about this?

You sniff it.

Um... the police are at the front door.

Either that, or your girlfriend's a bit heavy on the knocker.

- Stay here. Don't let anyone in, OK? - Who turned the lights out?

Move it!

- Where's Michel? - I said, move it!

J'arrive, j'arrive!

Good evening.

Do come in, gentlemen

So you are the English private detective?

Jim Bergerac, yes. What's going on?

We were misinformed. So... we owe you an apology, eh?

It's not my place. I'm just looking after it.

Yes, I know.

Not that much of an apology. We found this in the kitchen.

- What are you going to do about? - Oh, for now, nothing.

I don't want a story getting round

that it takes 12 policemen to find 20 francs worth of cannabis.

Who was, er, your informant?

Tell those young people to give up smoking this, OK? If there's another time,

- they won't be so lucky. - Thank you.

Goodnight.

Hello, it's me. You've got to come here.

- Where is "here"? - The café.

This isn't the best of all possible moments, Paul

Come now, or I'll mail your boyfriend to you in Little pieces.

Understand? See you.

Where are you lot going?

Turn that off! Please!

- Right, who had the cannabis? - What cannabis?

If you organise any more police raids, Bergerac, YOU'LL have to deal with them!

What is that supposed to mean?!

You'd better go. You're a pain in the bum!

- Come on, let's go! - Not you!

- What are you talking about? - Come on, this is serious. Out!

Well, no big-city bright lights for me, then. I'm staying with the hunk!

Where's Louise's froggie gone?

Just gone, darling - the moment they arrived. Too many flat-feet here for him!

Well, hunk?

What did you do with the stuff? Stick it down the well?

- What well? - Go get it.

What will you do with it?

- Call Commissaire Dejeux, what else? - Bergerac! What good will that do?!

Think of the money we could make if we kept it!

- Come on, down the well! - Oh!

Do you want a drink?

Did you see your boyfriend, Marion?

Yes.

He's in one piece now, and we'll keep him that way...

so long as we get the stuff back.

- The police didn't get it. - So who has it?

I don't know.

This chauffeur guy...

- what's he called? - Bergerac.

Bergerac.

You sure you don't want a drink?

- You don't know whose it is, anyway. - That is not our problem.

She's right. It's not your problem.

I really am a very good shot!

Wait!

He's a policeman.

Un flic

Bien...

Thank you, Mr Bergerac

Everything was going very well before you came.

I'm sorry.

Um..the cocaine..?

The cocaine was a trap for an American Mafia man from Marseilles.

What's he called?

You met him here. His name is Bonetti, Paul Bonetti.

A guy from Jersey was supposed to come here

to buy the cocaine from Bonetti and spring the trap.

We're waiting for him.

I'm just glad to get the cocaine back.

Look, wouldn't another Englishman do just as well?

YOU want to buy it from him?!

Not buy it from him - I've already got it.

I'd offer to sell it back to your Mr Bonetti.

It's your first good idea!

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

One way or the other, he still ends up with five kilos of cocaine.

And right now, we are the only people

who know where it is.

The Englishman got the stuff. He says he's willing to sell at a price.

OK, how much?

He says he doesn't want to cut a big hole in your profits, but he wants some money.

1 appreciate his concern. How much?

We pay by high noon today or he gives the stuff to the cops.

- I knew it, I told you... - Shut up, shut up! Where?

He wants 100,000 francs cash - £10,000.

- What happened to you last night? - Enough!

- I want to know... - I said enough.

where he was and who organised a police raid.

Maybe it's your friend, maybe it's you.

Yeah, maybe it's the fisherman. Maybe it was me!

THIS is not gonna help us get the stuff back.

OK, OK!

Hey, I'm sorry about our friend, huh?

You know, 10,000 is very reasonable.

He wants to be reasonable. That's what he told me.

You must've beaten him down, huh?

- You don't trust me? You trust me? - Yeah.

Unless...

maybe you're working together, maybe you advised him how much to ask for.

You just have to call a car-phone number to give your answer, that's all

OK

He's clever, very clever. You don't know where he is?

No.

OK. I'll pay. You got the car-phone number?

Any word from Michel?

- No. - Huh!

Couldn't you sleep?

Ha-ha

The others managed to.

- No Clarissa? - What are you, her godmother

She's gone with Bergerac to his girlfriend's house.

I think little sister's got a thing for Mr Bergerac.

Mind you, you'd understand that.

You've got some sympathy with the Jean-Claudes of this world, haven't you?

Do you know where his girlfriend lives?

Allo, oui?

Of course we're all right, Jim. Is there any reason we shouldn't be?

- No. - Good.

- Clarissa? - Clarissa's asleep upstairs.

- Stilt? - Still

Stop worrying!

My father is taking his friends off shooting, I'm here in the kitchen,

and everything is in order. Happy?

Yes

Bye.

- Hello, Bergerac. - You've got something of mine.

- 100,000 francs. - Yeah, yeah.

- Know the café, La Belle Héléne? - La Belle Héléne? Yup.

Que c'est beau! C'est trés joli!

- Mr Bonetti. - Give me the bag.

If any of this stuff's fake, I'm coming back to get you, Bergerac. Understood?

Place is full of "em. You're nicked, mate.

- Busted. - You'd be surprised.

Pick up the bag.

Look, what's the point of all this?

Put the gun away and let me make the formal introductions, eh?

Just keep moving!

I'm not stupid, you know.

No-one follows, OK?

I'll let 'em out in a couple of blocks IF no-one follows.

Let him go.

Now!

Pas trop vite!

OK, next left.

Tum right and stop.

- Get the stuff. - OK...

Go and get it!

Wait!

Monsieur?

Laisses-moi! Salaud!

Are you all right?

You keep asking me that!

And you?

YOU were supposed to be looking after ME.

What do you think of it?

More to the point, what do YOU think of it?

That fellow is having a retrospective. Prices - whee-ee...!

Ta.

Er, talking of prices, what do you think four times £150 is?

What do you think a large terracotta planter pot costs?

- I didn't break that! - You were responsible. That's the job.

The job was for £150 a day.

And there's a scratch on the frame of her newest painting.

And six bottles of Leonard's Pape Clément disappeared.

- I drank that, yeah - You were responsible.

Now, how do you feel about doing a security review

for a finance company in St Peter Port?

Charlie, I am not a security consultant, nor am I a private detective...

They'll pay very well

What's the address of this firm in St Peter Port?