Original subtitles

This week on Time Trumpet: Why Sebastian Coe went to prison for murder.

It's 2031 and we've achieved so much, we're actually running out of things to do.

NASA has Just sent a probe up to Mars

to find the �5 note they hid there two years earlier.

Richard Branson's cloned himself to stand at street corners

hitting his groin with a hammer, Just because he could.

And David Beckham's decided to turn himself into a centaur.

...and then the body of an 'eadless 'orse was grafted below my spine.

Er... same surgeon that did Victoria's boobs, actually.

But 30 years ago, Britons behaved a lot differently.

Everybody was jacking off all the time,

with their hands.

They'd touch it with their hands.

You remember all the... the celebrity sex tapes,

- Abi Titmuss, that nurse, Pamela Anderson. - Ah, yeah.

- Phill Jupitus with Sally Gunnell. - Aye.

Television in the first part of the 21st century was awash with sex,

and behaviour previously thought of as unacceptable

now became standard early-evening entertainment.

(Woman) The Jamaican street prostitute gets a good start, taking an early lead,

followed by the Russian tochka girl...

(Man) Hardly able to believe my Journey may soon be at an end,

I sit down and take one last look around.

It is a lovely spot for a wank, but I'm still nervous.

There's a yacht nearby,

and if people had binoculars they could see me from the opposite coast.

Then I think, "To hell with it!" and I go for my flies.

I'm about to begin when...

- (Man shouts) ...I hear a shout from the woods

and I'm forced to abort.

(Man) This week, Paul... (Armando) Standards were in decline

and the depravity of television was soon exposed

In the series TV Uncovered.

So, come on, tell us. Who are you going to be tonight?

My name's Ed Blaney and I appeared on Stars In Their Eyes as David Bowie.

- (Applause) - Ed Blaney is David Bowie!

(Ed) That night I discovered the lookalikes are not lookalikes at all.

It's the biggest and bloodiest scandal in television history.

(Armando) Stars In Their Eyes was exposed as a sham.

One of its contestants revealed

that all members of the public who went on it were killed backstage

and replaced by the actual stars they were meant to be Impersonating.

(Ed) I was a bit upset that none of the other performers had come to wish me good luck.

But as I went back towards the studio to go on, I bumped into the real David Bowie.

Honestly, it was like looking in a mirror.

I said, "Oh, my God! It's you! I'm your biggest fan."

And he just gestured behind him and whispered, "Run!"

I looked past him and there were men in black with balaclavas

putting the body of the Leo Sayer lookalike in a crate.

They spotted me and ran towards me.

But luckily I was thinking and I yelled, "I'm David Bowle!

"This is the lookalike, you fools!"

So they pounced on the real David Bowie, and in the confusion I was able to escape.

Cat Deeley came in as I was running out and she started screaming, " Kill him! Kill him!

"He'll tell the world!"

I found some stairs and just kept running down and down, out into the car park,

tears streaming down my face so I could barely see where I was going.

Every person you've ever seen on that show was slaughtered

and replaced by the real stars,

and even now no one believes me.

Granada said I must have wandered into a rehearsal for Harry Hill's TV Burp.

But I know what I saw. I saw death.

I agree with you. I'm sorry, but I do.

With violence on Stars In Their Eyes and sex everywhere else,

a moral backlash ensued.

Christian pressure groups forced broadcasters to clean up their act, leading to this.

- It's a gorgeous colour. - Thank you.

And the shape is very flattering to you.

And of course Jesus loves a low-cut top and so do I.

Soon the BBC became officially Christian.

I'll be back with the headlines after we've joined our news teams where you are. Amen.

I think that was about the time Nigella Lawson was executed for witchcraft.

Thanks for coming on, Grace. Thank you.

Next week's guests are the heathen Sanjeev Bhaskar,

Christ-killer Paul Simon, and the sodomite Ian McKellen.

See you then.

But with more revelations from TV Uncovered, the religious bubble burst.

(Woman) The bishop was like a demon In-between takes.

There was one young girl who he got around the throat,

and he told her, "Choke or sing."

(Sighs) Choke or sing.

It was a good 20 minutes they stopped filming before she got her colour back.

In-between the takes, the warm-up guy would say a number from one to ten.

If you got the corresponding Commandment, he threw you a chocolate Jesus.

Yeah, there was one poor old gentleman.

He was forced to give a sample from his catheter bag,

to prove he'd been at communion that morning.

We were singing as well as we could, but it was never enough.

The producers said if they could have done it all with computers, then they would have.

Faced with the Asian crisis, then the IT collapse,

then a stock-exchange crash, a house-price bubble, rising world oil prices...

2011 was a time of great hope and optimism,

though you wouldn't think that if you listened to the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

...a doubling as we've seen of oil prices,

parents struggling, society weakened,

culture depleted, prosperity diminished...

In contrast, David Cameron presented a much more appealing image of youth and vitality.

Here he is taking the Tories to an Ocean Colour Scene tribute concert.

(Music playing)

I was on the Breakfast News talking about the overlighting of our cities,

and I thought it would get the message home stronger

if I painted part of my face blue like Michael Stipe from REM.

Well, that completely backfired

and everybody just kept asking why have I painted my face blue.

I tried to get them back to the overlighting but, um... they weren't having any of that.

Cameron was popular because he was young.

This was a time when only the young mattered.

BBC3 soon launched a competition for sitcoms written by two-year-olds.

(Man) And it was up to then BBC3 controller Stuart Murphy to get in touch with the winner

- and losers. - (Phone rings)

(Boy burbles)

- Hi, is that James Donoghue? - Uh... yeah, hullo.

Hiya. It's, er... Stuart Murphy, Controller of BBC3.

What do you want, Murphy?

It was a really tough competition, er... as I'm sure you know...

(Whispers) This man's a jerk.

...but, you know, I was just calling to tell you that you're the winner.

Yeah, big deal.

Channel 4 retaliated by having Its entertainment programmes

commissioned by someone who was only 18 months old.

Here's one of his successful commissions.

Hello, and welcome to the seventh series of My Name Is Phil,

where I try and dupe unsuspecting members of the public

into thinking that my name is Phil.

It isn't. It's Will.

Hello. My name's Phil.

- My name's Phil. - Right. Hello, Phil.

It isn't. It's Will.

- Hello, Will. - Phwill!

- Hello. My name is Phil. - Hello, Phil.

It's not. My name's Will.

- (Both laugh) - Phwill!

- Hello. My name is Phil. - (Both) Hello, Phil.

- It's not. It's Will. - (Woman) Very funny.

- Am I supposed to say something back? - Er... that's kind of it.

Phil or Will!

Who am I?

Soon the media was flooded by things shot by young people.

These included increasingly dangerous stunts.

Brilliant!

Watch out!

Stupid stuff shot on a mobile phone was all the rage

and became more and more elaborate.

It was hard for normal television to compete with this hunger for shocking quick danger.

Some tried.

Magic man David Blaine hooked all his nerve endings up to the internet

so he could be controlled online for 40 days by anyone who connected with him.

The public killed him In less than three seconds.

- Still get sponsorship and so on? - Oh, it's an advertiser's dream.

You see, aside from, um... Pepsi, mobile phones and sunglasses,

I'm now the face of tacking equipment, ketamine and hay.

And the thing with Tom Cruise. His contracts became more and more stringent.

You weren't allowed to look...

- at him on screen. - Mm-hm.

And everyone just had to pretend that he was taller than them,

which meant that everyone else on a Tom Cruise set

- had to basically do the film on their knees. - Mm.

And so, you know, you couldn't do a chase sequence with him any more.

I've read every book that's ever been written. Test me.

You'd have a film like Ml5 and he would be on the ground,

everyone else would be in a ditch

- and they'd have to CGI feet onto them. - Mm-hm.

But it just meant everyone's feet were put on at about here.

I like Portuguese men.

Dark eyes, deep, like a forest.

You know... you know the Portuguese invented printing, invented fireworks.

The Portuguese discovered Europe.

I bet you'd never read that in a history book, and you won't. And you know the reason?

Modesty.

Which I think is the true mark of a man,

which is something you'd better remember the next time you try to jerk with me!

As an election drew nearer, David Cameron tried harder to appeal to young people.

(Woman) Cameron kept doing his stunts.

You know, he... he went sledging.

Er... he bivouacked.

He learnt to make a fishing rod in the woods with Ray Mears.

Oh, and he... he told Richard and Judy how to recycle condoms.

Diana Tinkman succeeded Nick Griffin as head of the BNP in 2010

amid a growth in support for the party.

Some people say that the BNP were racist.

But if being racist means a sustained campaign of violence against blacks and Asians,

then I'm probably a bit racist as well.

But we got round the religious hatred bill.

We said things like "All blacks are wicked",

and when challenged, we said, "Well, we're just using the street slang.

"They're wicked, you know?"

But then Nick Griffin went on record saying that all of Islam

was a bunch of wankers

and he claimed it was Cockney rhyming slang, but he hadn't worked out what for.

Crunch of clankers? Lunch of bankers?

He was still trying to work it out when they sent him down for seven years,

and that's where I came in.

Tinkman relaunched the BNP, emphasising their green policies.

She made members look like they cared for the environment

by riding around on bikes.

It proved a vote-winner.

I mean, all of a sudden BNP weren't just on the right,

they were all right.

(Man) We saw the Harvester beat the living crap out of Swastikom in the semis.

But Jew Hater has his eyes on that record set by Panzer Daddy.

(Armando) Tinkman realised the BNP had to move away from its bovver boy image,

which it did by launching its new campaign slogan "We're not bovvered".

The comedian Catherine Tate objected to the use of her "I'm not bovvered" catch phrase,

but soon her house was firebombed.

I actually thought it was very harsh,

you know, when they burned Catherine Tate's house down.

- Yeah. - At least she was born here.

Her house was... was burnt down

when she said she didn't support our policies.

But nothing was ever proved.

But a lot of people's houses burnt down who don't like the BNP.

It's... it's just one of those things.

What can I say, you know?

I think fire must like our policies.

(laughs)

I loved Dragons' Den.

Novelty T-shirts.

Yes, one's first reaction would be that the market's dead, but, er... da-da.

So your market is a 60-year-old emphysema sufferer. That's your market.

So it would seem, so it would seem. But, er... observe the humorous twist.

Da-da!

That's a bit of humour I think everyone can get.

- Any questions? - Why do you ask?

Just in case you had any questions.

Do you know the breathing muscle can be trained during Pilates classes?

Yes. I did, yeah. Any... any other questions?

I hated Dragons' Den.

The Apprentice. "You're fired!"

That just got everyone just going, "You're fired!"

Um... just great writing on that show.

Good incidental music.

Sorry, I just... I suddenly...

I suddenly just got really depressed.

He shouldn't be, because there were things like Daniel Corbett's Tinkerbell Weather.

Could also be a misty start, particularly as we come to the south and the west,

like we saw this morning. Eight for Plymouth...

People used to get disappointed when they met him and his sleeves didn't sparkle.

He'd get punched quite a lot over that.

...through the day, just fizzling out, the main energy goes well east,

so it just... disappears.

Singapore 2005, and London waits to hear if it's got the 2012 Olympics.

(Paper tearing)

(Paper rustling and tearing)

I remember thinking, "It's taking an age, an age."

- (Paper tearing) - (low chatter)

(Paper rustling)

- London. - (Cheering)

Nobody was... was interested in the Olympics by 2012 anyway.

Black people kept winning all the races,

and that's another thing, the Olympics totally exposed the hypocrisy of racism,

because how can white people be racist

if they're not even winning the races?

It's not rocket engineering, is it?

However, as the 2012 Olympics drew nearer, the enthusiasm built up.

Preparations were made for a fabulous opening ceremony,

Including a plan to blow up 150,000 knackered fridges.

There were spectacular plans for that opening ceremony.

Ten thousand children doing the Ricky Gervais dance.

(Children) # Na-na na-na na-na, na-na na-na na-na: : :

But, alas, despite all the careful preparation, time, money, rehearsal and choreography

that had gone into this opening ceremony,

It never saw the light of day.

2012, and the night of the opening ceremony.

The stadium for some reason is empty,

and soon Sebastian Coe is approached by a Channel 4 presenter, Justin Lee Collins.

Justin Lee Collins, an Important entertainer of the time,

tells Coe the whole thing has been a hoax.

The Olympics went to Paris after all.

The whole London thing was a big wind-up by The Friday Night Project.

I don't know how he thought we were gonna react.

Did he think the whole nation was gonna go, "Good one, you got us" and not want blood?

- I can take a joke as much as the next man. - Yeah, yeah.

But then I like the Olympics probably more than any man on earth.

But when Justin Lee Collins made a lie and a joke out of it...

(Snorts)... something inside me snapped and I said, " I'm going to kill you,

"you stupid, ignorant, hairy little shit."

Have you ever been wound up or pranked?

No, I've not ever been wound up or pranked, no.

The only thing that's ever happened to me that has made me feel ill at ease in any way

is coming here today and finding out that I'd signed something

saying that I would have all my hair shaved off.

And if that's your idea of a prank,

if getting people to sign a contract in which the small print says

that they would have their hair shaved off is your idea of a prank,

then you have to look at what Justin Lee Collins did, right?

Justin Lee Collins fictionalised

- the location of the Olympics... - Yes.

...which makes this, you getting me to shave my hair off, look a bit of a waste of time.

And yet you are supposed to be

- a programme-maker at the cutting edge. - Mm-hm.

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

- (Chuckles) - One time with hair,

- and a second time without. - I'm happy to take a long, hard look at myself.

- You should take a long, hard look at yourself. - I'm implying you wouldn't.

In the condition you're in.

This night, however, no one liked being pranked

and Collins was chased by a very angry crowd.

There were thousands of emails from people.

And there were some from Cabinet ministers and the clergy.

All saying the same thing.

"Let�s kill the son of a bitch."

Over a million members of the public and athletes chased Collins across London.

Finally, in a barren wasteland in Shoreditch,

a savage crowd, including Jamie Oliver and Natasha Kaplinsky,

found Justin Lee Collins wounded and exhausted.

- I think you tried to grill him, didn't you? - Yeah. Fatty.

- Yeah. - Not a lot there.

Sebastian Coe insisted he be the one to finish him off with a shovel.

I just went up to a policeman and I said, " I'm Sebastian Coe

"and I've just killed Justin Lee Collins."

And he said, "Sorry, I can't hear what you're saying.

"I didn't see a thing. Move on, please."

Well, after about ten policemen, I finally found one that... that agreed to arrest me.

Pleaded guilty.

I've been here ever since.

(Coe taps chair and sighs)

But I... I understand that when I do get out,

I won't have to buy another drink or pay for a taxi again.

I visit Seb, er... usually about once a month.

You'd think an ex-Tory MP called Sebastian would be a...

a real shower-room frig puppet in prison,

but no.

They all call him Mr Coe and he gets anything he wants.

Vernon Kay kept growing.

He was really tall,

and it got to the stage where they were having to scale up his dressing room

to make him feel less bad and less self-conscious.

But, I mean, if you're doing a game show

and you're looking at a quarter of a million bill just to get him through the door,

it's very hard to keep him in work.

(Man) He's always been a tall man.

So for a long time people were able to say, "No, he looks enormous but that's just..."

Big personality as well, and he's an energetic man.

And then people started getting incontrovertible evidence,

um... like he stepped on a couple of people.

- He got very cranky and bad-tempered... - Mm.

...as a result of the stretching,

and his skin became very thin, um... like tracing paper.

I suppose what everyone remembers is when he blotted out the sun.

And, again, those famous photos

of, um... the dark...

sort of this bleak, almost post-nuclear landscape.

- The Vernon winter. - The Vernon winter, with this gigantic...

Yeah, all the papers were trying to do puns about the vernal equinox or...

but no one could quite nail it, because everyone was too frightened to think of puns.

While I regret the fact that he had to be destroyed,

um... I wish it just could have been done more humanely.

He was not a bad man. He was just tall.

The 2012 General Election, and David Cameron is elected Prime Minister.

But the biggest upset was that the BNP came second.

All of a sudden, racism was the new black.

The BNP were using very sophisticated marketing strategies at this time

to make themselves more acceptable,

like that competition where they had the "Complete the phrase, 'I 'm not racist but... '

"in ten words or less."

Now, I don't think all the people who entered that competition

prove that Britain is becoming more racist.

I think it was just a really good prize.

It was a week in a castle.

Cameron, young and naive,

was actually one of the most terrible Prime Ministers we've ever had

and lasted only 20 days.

He legislated for all drink to be accessed via a solicitor.

Just a pint of London Pride, a dry white wine, and a packet of pistachios, please.

I'll get onto that right away. We should have that ready for you in two to three minutes.

He said it would be a good Idea to have surgeons wear photo masks of themselves

so that patients would find being operated on more reassuring.

Just pass me my...

And he thought it would help race relations

If the BBC put on a show called The Black And Asian Minstrel Show.

Even though the show was conceived, like Love Thy Neighbour, for example,

with the best will in the world,

I think ultimately it did more harm than good

and certainly the riots that followed the first broadcast

and the thousands of deaths in multiracial communities across urban Britain

would seem to bear that out.

- Were you affected by it? - No.

I didn't personally find it offensive because I don't have any black or Asian friends.

(Armando) Some of the programme-makers did go to prison.

Some of them went to prison, some of them were killed,

and some did the decent thing and took their own lives.

In power, Cameron's behaviour grew increasingly erratic.

He poured party money Into a Tory television channel.

We're also going to take off quite a lot of the hair.

We're going to squint the eye,

we're going to employ a chin brace which will give that receding jaw look.

The eyeballs will have to be inverted before reseating in the sockets.

He lashed out against his opponents on live television.

It's those cu... (Bleep)... ts that I'm determined we should stop

and I'll be joining campaigning groups like the one here today up and down the country

to draw attention to these cu... (Bleep)... ts.

One of his aides came up to me and said, um...

"If I go to the police, he will kill my family."

And finally, he committed the dreadful, hideous act that he's now very famous for.

The shocking thing was, it was in a church. At least, I think that's where it started.

He must have been planning it for months. It was sort of balletic.

I don't know what was worse, the sight, the sound or the smell.

I just felt sorry for the people in the front row, cos they got a face full of it.

Things were calming down between the Muslims and the West, and he does that.

Menzies Campbell tried to stop him,

but it looked like he was joining in.

You know, even to this day, nothing will grow on that ground.

Cameron was forced to call another election.

His manifesto was a blank page with the words "Time to dream" written at the top.

His first party political broadcast left everyone baffled.

...about what people's experiences have been.

(Roberta Flack) # The first time

# Ever I saw your face

# I thought the sun

# Rose in your eyes...

Now, would you mind just trying on those specs for me?

- What do you think? - Good. Very good.

So, a good start. Let�s see. Willet or won't it?

Cameron was doing badly. The Tories were trailing the BNP.

Everything now hung on his eve-of-poll rally.

(# Disco music plays)

Things

Can only get better

Better

Now that I've found you

Things

Can only get better

Better

Now that I've found you

(Music stops)

Cameron was sacked on the spot.

- People still remember you as... - Oh, yes.

...one of the... one of the shortest-lived Prime Ministers of all time.

Yes, well, um... 20 days is a long time in politics.

It's the equivalent of 480 hours,

which sounds a lot longer than it actually is.

The next day the BNP was the largest party In a hung parliament.

BNP leader Diana Tinkman now had to choose between Conservative or Labour

for a coalition.

Oh, it was really hard to choose.

I think it's like, er...

if you're in a room with Dermot O'Leary, Jamie Theakston, Patrick Kielty,

and you've got a shotgun and two cartridges.

(Chuckles) You know, what do you do?

You empty two barrels into Kielty and then have fun with the rifle butt.

(laughs)