Original subtitles

This week on Time Trumpet

we catch up with an Increasingly odd Tom Cruise.

Oh, I've got three of these.

I have to wind them every morning or else time will stop.

We look at the hi-tech remake of Last Of The Summer Wine.

Where's tha natty little waitress's uniform, then,

you lovely little bit of...

Oh! Put your foot down, Milburn!

And we trace the Royal Family�s decline in popularity.

Even the army lost respect for them.

The last Trooping of the Colour, most of them who turned up just wore tracksuits.

It's 2031, when cars work off nuclear power

and mostly work.

One of the biggest accidents In the first decade of the 21st century...

- (Loud buzzing) ...was when a massive swarm of bees

got Into the BBC's computer systems.

Everyone thought there was something wrong with their TV

because the newsreaders refused to acknowledge it.

- First, a summary of the day's news. - (Muffled buzzing)

The main news came this evening...

I think they came in through an outside broadcast wire. They were there for a month!

- (Loud buzzing) - I think a good day for the outsiders to...

Once the bees got into the BBC's central computer,

there was an enormous mix-up at Television Centre's studios.

- Do you fancy some coffee? - Oh, not for me.

Can't stomach it at the moment.

- A water, then? - Water would be lovely!

- OK. Back in a bit. - All right.

...pay dispute broke up tonight without agreement.

Royal Mail managers say their pay offer of 14.5% over 18 months

- is incredibly good. - (Buzz)

- Here you go. - Thank you.

June the 12th, 2018. The coronation day of King Charles.

(Huw Edwards) There's King Charles with his wife.

Very few members of the public bother to come and watch.

(Edwards) You can imagine all the preparation that goes into a day like today.

Even most of the army didn�t turn up.

(Edwards) The full glory of the sovereign's escort.

This confirmed a disrespect for the Royal Family that had been going on for decades.

Oh, in the end it was pathetic.

I mean, you see Charles on the bus, and...

the people flicking at his ears and saying, "What are you gonna do about it?"

I mean, they were on a walkabout one day and they got pelted with chicken shit.

That wouldn't have happened ten years ago, would it?

The real wake-up call from my point of view was going on Parkinson,

and I thought it'd be this sort of friendly chat,

you know, "You're a bit of a Jack the lad, I'm a Northern bloke,"

and he, erm... he opened up with...

"Don't you think you're a bit of an anachronism in the 21st century?"

- Right. - I mean, I smiled and laughed

because, erm...

because I thought an anachronism was a good thing.

Only last week actually, I went up for a commercial casting

and I was sitting right next to Prince William. That's the third time.

And then George Clooney came on,

and I thought again that would be a fun time,

we'd end up at some casino, pick up some models

and end up at Bucks House, bit of a champagne breakfast hangover cure, you know.

And, er, under the applause, he says to me,

"You fucking piece of shit."

I thought this was maybe some cool jargon from Ocean's 20,

so I said, "Cheers, George,"

and, er, and went to clink fists with him like a...

man of African descent.

And, er... And then Dame Judi Dench came on

and called me a wanker,

er, because I'd made a joke about Scousers and AIDS.

The real trouble can be dated back to 2010

and the funeral of Princess Michael of Kent.

Prince Harry, for a laugh,

had placed a remote control fart machine In her coffin.

Did you not think that it would cause controversy?

No, I think it was what the old girl would have wanted.

She used to pipe them out like a Mexican donkey.

I personally, and I'm not alone in this,

think the fart machine was inappropriate.

I mean, the Archbishop of Canterbury was doing his address

and you could hear these farts going off.

And then of course, when everyone realised that it was coming from the coffin,

Archbishop Rowan Williams runs over,

tries to retrieve the little machine,

but as he was bending over, he actually...

you know, farted himself,

and that just set everyone off again, so...

To my surprise, the Queen laughed.

She's a person of far more humour and even subversive humour than she's credited with.

Royalty isn't something you're born into.

You have to earn that position of respect.

- It's not just... - No.

No, you are born into it.

What you have to understand is that royalty's something that you're born into,

you don't have to earn that respect.

2011 saw major changes In the way we shopped.

All electronic equipment was given away free with newspapers.

While everything else was bought at Tesco's.

I was mentioning Tesco earlier on

- because Tesco are always in the news... - (Buzzing)

By 2012, Tesco's had a superstore in every square mile in Britain.

Tesco were brokering world heavyweight bouts,

representing entertainment stars, they were making most of the films that were being made.

Tesco's slogan changed from "Every little helps"

to "We control every aspect of your lives".

Soon Tesco's got planning permission to build anywhere In the country,

even on the side of a cliff.

By then, Britain was fully saturated with Tesco's,

and the supermarket chain concluded It would have to look elsewhere for domination.

And then there was the war with Denmark.

(Watson) It started, of course, because Tesco needed room to expand.

For a long time they'd yearned to create a superstate

which was, well, the first retail country.

At noon on January the 21st, 2013,

Tesco's Invaded Denmark with 200 superstores

and 1,500 Tesco Expresses.

The Tesco thing was a shock,

because I quite like the Danes.

A couple of my occasional fucks are Danes.

(Stewart Lee) The Danes are a proud people. They're of Viking stock.

What they want is to rape and pillage, to set fire to longships.

They don't want to be walking around a supermarket

and seeing Nuts magazine at the checkout

next to some chewing gum and a hairnet.

That's not what the Vikings want.

(Armando) The war between Tesco's and Denmark lasted Just five hours.

This Is all that remains of Copenhagen.

Later In Time Trumpet we'll be catching up with an Increasingly odd Tom Cruise.

I'm widely travelled. No, I've...

I've visited all 15 of the inner planets of the galaxy.

Uh, I often go dressed as Jon Voight just to blend in.

People in other galaxies seem to like to dress as Jon Voight.

But first, special effects.

Do you think he'll be kind to my bicycle?

Stop worrying. I'll get it back for you. I'll commandeer this vehicle.

(Engine thrumming)

A trilby - it was being driven by a trilby!

I'm not the most technically minded person,

so the idea of getting digital television gave me the heebie-geebies.

But In 2005, It was the special effects used In the BBC's digital campaign

that provoked a storm of complaints.

And what a surprise that was. I mean, they were real heads.

- Yes. - And when they...

I mean, they found 2,000 headless corpses.

Apparently this animator had sort of gone crazy.

He dug straight down and it was about half a mile deep just full of... full of bodies.

Over the last 25, 30 years, we've gone from five terrestrial channels

to literally hundreds of channels available to everyone.

The great thing about that is that everyone, whatever their taste,

would have a programme that catered for them.

(Man) Water everywhere, and every drop is pink!

I was pounding the back door...

Ghosts are drawn to hosepipes

- because in limbo it can be quite parching. - Oh, right.

Some people are sexually aroused by the idea of violence of a sexual nature

being carried out against primates. I'm not.

I'm not. But some people are, and that's...

it was good that a programme existed for those people.

And by 2010, this show dominated the ratings.

You'd say, " I'm sorry, I can't come out - Rape An Ape is on."

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

And that happened every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

One of the catchphrases was, "Push your finger in!"

"Hook his nose!"

"Slow down, you're wearing him out."

"Hang on tight, he's going to throw you off!"

(Loud grunt)

And when I saw it, I felt physically sick, but...

then when I thought about it after, I thought little bits of it made me crack up laughing.

And, of course, now it's a classic.

I didn't like it, but I wouldn't stop...

As long as the ape wasn't hurt,

or if it was hurt, as long as there was some medical help for it afterwards

and it had given its consent, or appeared to.

"I'm done. You wanna have a go?"

"You can tell by his eyes he wants it."

"Oh, look, look, he's smiling, he's smiling."

She's smiling!

It was like one of those things like The Archers perhaps in the old days.

You'd think, "There's Rape An Ape, it's that time of day again."

It was quite homely.

It's probably the homeliest rape-based theme tune I can think of.

# Rape an ape

# Rape an ape, rape an ape

# Rape an ape!

# Who's gonna be in the costume? Who's gonna be in the costume?

# Up the bum

# Rape, rape, rape an ape, rape an ape

# Rape, rape, rape, rape

# Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, rape an ape! # Rape #

But it was one of those things. Everyone was singing it.

I mean, I was one of the few people who actually felt slightly uncomfortable

with the rape element.

I mean, I loved the makeover, I loved the sketches,

it was just the end rape.

While the public revelled In classic entertainment,

Its Interest In the Royal Family steadily diminished.

No one would stand up for them during the national anthem.

- (# National anthem) - (Coughing)

And frequently their processions got clogged up in traffic

because motorists simply couldn't be bothered pulling over.

One of the warning signs was when the BBC played the Queen's speech at double speed

so they could show the whole of Chicken Little.

Nicholas Witchell was replaced by an animatronic waxwork outside Buckingham Palace

Just to convince the Royals the BBC was still covering them.

While relations with the BBC collapsed entirely after this disrespectful broadcast.

(Reporter) Citizens of Zaxor Prime silent now,

awaiting the arrival of Baritania, Mother Ruler of the 12,

who will emerge presently from the entrance to the halls of Yanthracar.

A Dubolian there. The second, lower head

capable of emitting a vaporising ray if threatened.

The nine heads of Nuftakwed Unitard,

the leader of the Metazeroid Phalanx,

said to be the most ruthless yet honourable destroyers

of small to medium sized worlds in the quadrant.

And here is the Mother Ruler now,

beside her Sub-ord Utilax

followed by Secretary Massfart,

Super Commander Dec Laser

and the other dignitaries of the Hyper Quadrant.

A difficult year, of course, for the Mother Ruler,

having been forced to give up control

over the planets of Radox, Venjal and Badadas by the Killtrons,

themselves understandably absent from the ceremony this jahren.

This was the last major royal occasion that people turned out to watch.

And while absolutely no one came to King Charles's coronation,

millions flocked to Paul Burrell's newly opened Diana theme park.

The Diana theme park was a way of keeping her memory alive.

The profits are incidental.

I don't know even what they are, beyond that I need never work again.

He came in for a lot of stick for the Diana fun park, didn't he?

Yeah, because he was saying that it was all about honouring her memory,

but while he was saying it

he was actually charging people �5 to hear him say the words.

They had so many attractions there.

There was the Angolan Landmine Log Ride.

There was A Cry For Help Bumper Cars, wasn't there?

- The Crash Coaster. - The Queen of Go-Carts.

- Bulimia Nervosa Big Dipper, wasn't there? - Yeah.

There was even a bungee jump attraction called Her Royal Highness.

The idea is that you float through the journey of Diana's public life

on lovely bubbly water.

It starts in 1970.

Beneath us, the water is giggly, highly pumped

and transparent.

And we enter the 1980s,

there's the Ramp of Famousness. Slide down that...

Princess Diana is not something that should be commemorated by a roller coaster.

- Yeah. - I mean, it's true that she went fast,

and she could go high and she would go down,

and that you might feel sick after you'd ridden her,

but those are where the similarities end.

We then enter the Tunnel of Marriage.

Quite scary, this. It's, erm...

haunting images,

Prince of Wales, a younger Prince of Wales

looming over us in pyjamas.

One of the rides was a DNA test

to see if you were James Hewitt's son.

And apparently a lot of people were.

Hello.

We're the Hartingan brothers.

Oh, dear.

Sorry, I just said who we were.

Whenever I go anywhere,

I never, never say who I am

because you get treated differently.

OK. Cool.

Erm...

- Hello. - Hello. Er...

We're the Beverley Sisters.

- What's your background? - Well, in 1998

we started up a software company...

We're a trio that had a number of hits in the... late '50s

- and early '60s. - '60s.

Erm, we were recently awarded, er, an MBE.

That's a good answer.

And we're here today because we're looking for a fourth member.

We'll offer up 25% of the group for �100,000.

I'd be prepared to offer you 100,000 for 40%.

I will do the 100,000...

for 25%.

Er, can you sing?

Yeah.

- Welcome to the band. - There's a rehearsal on Friday.

- Well done. Great... Good investment. - Well done, guys.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

By 2013, the BBC's campaign to persuade everyone to buy a digital telly

was even more controversial than the last one.

Oi! Shitface! It's me! Denny Digit!

Don't look at me like that, I'll f... ing kill you.

Why haven't you switched over to digital yet?

We told you about 500 f... ing times!

What, is it too hard to understand?

If your telly's old, you've gotta buy a new one,

otherwise no more telly. Comprehende, Grandad?

And if you've already got a digital telly, don't get too smug

cos we're gonna switch to hi-def in a few years,

and then you'll have to get one of them an' all!

And then after that it's gonna be f... ing 'olograms so you'll need an 'ologram machine!

And after that it's gonna go in your f... ing mind

so you'll have to get a special operation if you wanna carry on watching EastEnders, you c!

All right? So don't say we didn't tell ya.

(Woman speaking Polish)

The most popular satellite show was a Polish soap opera.

(Speaking Polish)

(Speaking Polish)

It was so popular at the time,

a lot of people throughout Europe learnt Polish In order to understand It.

(Both speaking Polish)

However, for the benefit of Time Trumpet viewers,

we've hired some voice-over actors to revoice it in Engllsh.

(Irish accent) Remember you're a great writer and it's a great book.

(Irish accent) I'm just a bit nervous.

Don't be nervous. Remember what the doctor said - you're normal!

I'm normal, just like everybody else. That's what he said, wasn't it?

Hang on, there's a very attractive man. I have to talk to him.

OK, wish me luck in a good luck way.

Hmm.

- (Irish accent) Hello. - Hello.

I'm Sean, I'm the publisher.

- I publish things. - Oh, you're the publisher!

Yes, I'm the publisher, Sean. Let's hang.

(Irish accent) Sean, do you have a second?

I photocopied my bottom.

I can't publish this.

I'll do a better copy.

- Take a seat. - Thanks.

Now, what's your name again?

- Deirdre Costigan. - Deirdre. That's unusual. French?

No. Athlone.

Sorry about my secretary by the way. She's absolutely useless.

- (Click) - Jacqui, you're useless.

- Hello. - Will you send in two coffees?

Er, coffee, that's the dark one, Isn't It?

Yeah. And send a bit of sugar as well.

Er, now, Deirdre, before we start...

do you like my desk?

Yes, yes, I do.

So do I. (Chuckles) I'd really appreciate it if you'd just touch it for me.

Mm, well...

It's worth a fortune, so it is. Erm...

your script is brutal, love, and I'm not gonna publish it

and neither is anyone else in Athlone in my opinion, and I make no apologies.

Er, you can't write, you haven't done your research and you don't know your subject.

All mechanics in Athlone are crooked, we know that,

but you've got to give me proof if I'm to publish and make some money to go on holidays.

- Mm, now, coffee. In cups! Ta-da! - Thank you very much.

- I made it quick, didn't I? - Did you remember to boil the water first?

Nah, you must be mental.

I don't take sugar. Even one spoon, I go all... The doctor told me I shouldn't really take...

Ooh, there you go!

That's the table wrecked. Destroyed.

I'm so sorry. I'm normal. I have hankies, I'm a lady.

I have hankies but I'm a publisher.

Such was the popularity of Paul Burrell's Diana theme park

that he opened another 50 of them the following year.

You went in and there was a museum of all the things of Princess Diana's

that Paul Burrell had collected.

There were plates and crowns and...

Her first fried egg was there. It had gone off a bit now, but...

you could still see what it would have been like.

There's an AIDS patient wandering around you can touch.

The Royals were being forgotten.

Of the millions who flocked to the Diana theme parks,

polls revealed nearly 70% of them didn�t even know she'd once been a royal.

90% of them thought she'd been married to Paul Burrell.

The Royals were in crisis. They faced disrespect from the public.

My mother, you know, famously once said

she wanted to be known as, erm, the Queen of Hearts,

while I've been dubbed Prince of Farts, which actually doesn't sound that dissimilar.

King Charles ordered a referendum on who should rule Britain.

He stood...

as did Helen Mirren.

As the opinion polls came out in the lead-up

showing they were stuffed, they started to panic.

They arranged photo shoots of them eating fish and chips with builders.

The royal calendar was...

there were pictures like Charles giving a piggyback to one of the royal dogs.

William learnt the Peter Crouch dance,

which no one remembered by then.

Everyone thought he was having a seizure and was too ill to be King.

Exit polls showed Mirren was ahead.

I do remember saying to Wills, I said, " Don't the army swear an oath to us?

"Couldn't we get them to shoot all the people who voted for Mirren?"

And, er, he said,

"Not sure. Let me look into it."

Next thing I know, the stupid shit's emigrated to Monaco.

- Peter. - David, what a three-way battle this is.

- Quite extraordinary. Here's our... - But the result was a shock.

A majority had written an extra name on the ballot paper

and voted for the memory of Diana.

So now all royal palaces Ile empty In her memory.

The Royal Family are occasionally seen processing for their own amusement,

which they do In the middle of the night.

Meanwhile, Prince Harry was allowed to keep his title,

but he was now officially memorabilia.

My mother, you know, she used to say to me,

"The longest word in the English language...

"is smiles."

Bec... Because there's a mile, you see,

between the, erm... the first and the last S.

What I did, I did out of loyalty to Diana, and according to her wishes,

her wishes as I imagined she would have expressed them were she to be alive

and consulted on certain issues.

There's a certain amount of supposition there,

but based on facts as I choose to see them.

But what about Rape An Ape?

By Its fifth season, the show was losing viewers to a much better entertainment programme.

Ross Kemp On Fire. What was all that about?

Well, it was about setting light to Ross Kemp.

I know. Brilliant.

I think Grant would have done well here anyway.

Grant would have loved it.

Originally it was supposed to be Kemp in water with Kemp in various water states, scenes -

lakes, rivers, large puddle in a car park -

but it was a health and safety nightmare.

He might have shot a few more things than I've shot but that's the only difference.

I mean, the worst of it were just the quips

which just became interminable. You know...

"What a hot show we've got."

"Who the blazes are my guests?"

"I'm Ross Kemp and I'm on fire," which is just a fact.

(Buxton) The first time I saw it, I thought, "Where does this go as a series?"

But it just got better and better.

(Flames roaring and crackling)

Since getting celebrities to do dangerous things was the future,

the makers of Rape An Ape decided -

put famous people like Chrls Moyles In an ape suit for Rape A Celebrity Ape.

- Julio Iglesias was in it. - Mm-hm.

(Laughs) He was, er... He didn't look pleased.

I loved the way Ricky Gervais just kept that dance going,

erm, for a long time, but it did anger the others in the cage.

I don't think he ever danced since, has he, really?

- Were you ever invited onto it? - No, I was never invited onto it.

I'd like to have been.

All those great big hairy men putting their paws all over me.

And, you know, it went on an awfully long time

so I think it was a bit of an insult, don't you,

- that they didn't ask me. - Yes.

The Chris Moyles is the one that always gets talked about.

Speaking ten years ago on Darts At Stars,

Chrls Moyles gave his own account of this celebrity abuse.

I was expecting it was gonna be like the Buzzcocks,

where they give you all the answers and you know what's gonna happen,

but no, none of that.

I was expecting to be given a bit of lube,

be told where to stand, given a couple of lines to say,

instead of which I was straight in there.

(Screaming)

There are people that like to see sexual violence happen to apes,

but not necessarily apes which then have the face of Chris Moyles.

That's... There's a line in the sand,

- and that programme crossed it. - Mm.

Yes, but they, the producers at the time said...

the fault wasn't having celebrities,

the fault was merely that one of the celebrities

- was Chris Moyles. - Yeah.

(Screaming)

When someone like Michael Fish dies of anal trauma in a hospital ward,

you do think, as good as that was,

should I be watching this?

I mean, yes, cos I need to take the pulse of the nation.

Get me out of 'ere!

By all means make television about Chris Moyles,

make jokes about Chris Moyles,

but you have to understand the significance of the image of Chris Moyles to various people,

and it isn't always something that we can understand

as people who don't attach any importance to him.

Now, this is all very well in that it says a lot of significant things

about taste, about taboos, about what is acceptable and not on television.

- Mm. - But ideally for this show,

and we've been asking everyone to do this,

could you just sing the theme tune to Rape An Ape?

# Oh, rape an ape, rape an ape

# Ra-a-a-a-ape

# An ape

- And then the verse. - I can't remember the verse.

It was something like... # Down in the jungle where the celebrities go

# There is an ape and he doesn't know

# What's in store for him tonight

# He's gonna get a terrible fright #

Next week In Time Trumpet, the war In Iraq.

He's got his hand up as if to say, "Taxi!"

And I wouldn't have stopped at Baghdad, no sirree, we would've gone straight to Moscow.

But there's no taxi coming to pick up this bastard!

Donna and Ben showed they could manage these Masham ewes, but...

Plus we catch up with the man who shot Noddy Holder.

I never wanted to... to kill him,

just hurt him.