Original subtitles

This week on Time Trumpet: The war on terror.

Huh! If one of those terrorists came round my way, I'd smack 'em one.

The day the BBC realised some of Its presenters were old and past It.

Last night, Conservative peers blocked plans to end the automatic right to trial by jury

and proposals for foundation hospitals.

We visit Tim Henman at his new caf�.

Would you like a "slice" of cake with your coffee?

And we remember Cilla Black's live autopsy.

There we are.

I'll just you that, Karen.

It's 2031 and with the opening of the new Atlantic footbridge,

we have the ability to walk freely wherever we want.

We can take food in convenient pill form,

so that all we need eat are pill meals.

But life was so different 30 years ago.

Children under ten are getting fatter,

with new figures showing there's been a sharp rise

in the number of obese children in England.

Our health correspondent Jill Higgins reports.

This is the age group seeing the biggest rise In obesity.

It's increasing the children�s risk of heart disease and diabetes.

Today's message Is that weights must come down.

But if the problems are so obvious, why are they proving so difficult to tackle?

(Woman) It's easy to claim that my product doesn't make a difference,

my advertising a difference, my school meals aren't making a difference,

erm, so I think the blame has to be shared,

but we really all do have to take responsibility

for creating a world where our kids are being damaged.

I saw a kid once. He was so fat you couldn't see his eyes.

His mouth was like a tube.

One man concerned with children�s eating habits was of course, Jamie Oliver.

Kids, how do you fancy a bit of Jamie Oliver for your dinner tonight?

Jamie Oliver cloned himself and made himself into little mounds of Jamie Oliver flesh.

So that was what you cooked.

I've got this product, it's called Jamie Oliver's Cuts.

It's my own cloned flesh made from my own body

and it talks, right?

So it says to you things like, "pick me up."

It says, er, "Tenderise me.

"Put it in the frying pan, stick a bit of salt on." You do what it says and there you are.

(Jamie's voice) Grate that over me. Give it a little bit of a twang.

And I just want about two tablespoons of vegetable oil.

You could have a bit of camaraderie with the ingredients.

It was sort of nice, it made it a much more human process.

"Have you gone off or are you all right?" "No, I'm all right." Always very jolly.

(Jamie) Bit of chilli powder. (Coughs) Does get up the old nose, though. Cor!

It's quite a startling idea, this cloning your own flesh. How did you arrive at that?

Yeah, well, um... It was after the bird flu thing.

Somebody told me that human flesh tasted a bit like chicken. You know?

So, er... I cut a toe off and, er, fried it up with a little parsley

and it was lovely.

Jools loved it, er, and we took from there, really.

Found a few scientists, teamed up with them and it all kicked off.

- Do you miss your toe? - No, no. I cloned another one.

From the other foot.

(Jamie) I've got nice little fat marblings. All that fat's gonna melt

and kinda make me really, really tasty.

If I want a piece of meat that's gonna talk back to me, I'll just go and find myself a man.

Girls, eh?

You like lovely Jamie Oliver, don't you?

I bought some jimmy Oliver meat, which I thought was the same thing,

but it turned out to be a cheaper version.

It just said things like "Lovely juberly" and "puka".

How did you feel when Gordon Ramsay brought out processed Ramsay flesh that swore?

I had one of his gourmet sausages the other day. It came back up and swore at me.

It said "Chew me properly, you fat twat."

(Gordon's voice) Little bit of mustard. Cooked in Coca-Cola.

Fuck-all else.

Do me a favour. Fuck off, go on.

I mean, I'm sorry but... who wants a cutlet that shouts out, "Your mother's a cocksucker"?

No?

Do you remember some of the documentaries?

Oh yes. The Girl With The Voice Of Boris Johnson.

(Speaks Spanish)

(Boris Johnson's voice) My appreciation of Pericles is very much a romantic, literary one.

There is no cure for Maria. It isn't fatal...

but I doubt she'll make it to 30.

Beware. There's a lorra, lorra blood.

Root around and examine dear old Cilla.

Do you remember Cilla Black's autopsy?

Yeah, Cilla Black, that was a brilliant one.

But erm, some of the other ones. Anthea Turner's, that was a bit of a flop.

Oh...

Surprise, surprise.

It's an ovarian cyst.

- Do you know, apparently she was a singer. - No.

Well... They didn't know till they opened her up.

In 1964, Cilla Black had a hit...

with, um, Anyone Who Had A Heart.

Erm, anyone who's ever seen a heart...

would recognise...

the telltale signs of atherosclerosis.

Just here... and also here.

What did you enjoy most in the years 2005, six...

- 2005... - Seven... eight...

and nine?

I guess what I most enjoyed in the year 2005 to nine

was... the war on terror.

Today, In 2031, we've got so used to 30 years of terror

that some of It no longer scares us.

I know!

(Children cheering)

But at the time, people were genuinely scared.

Now and again you'd think, "Ooh, this bloody terror,

"ooh, all this terror," you know?

You'd often hear people say that, you know?

"How are you doing?" "All right, apart from all this terror, this wretched terror."

And they had every right to be scared.

The war on terror was one the government was losing.

This policeman should have arrested this suicide bomber,

Instead of giving him directions to Buckingham Palace.

And though we'd eliminated the threat of the enemy flying planes into buildings,

no one was prepared for terrorists flying two buildings into the sides of planes.

No one was killed but a lot of people were surprised.

But 30 years ago, Tony Blair and then Gordon Brown

got through no fewer than 24 home secretaries In trying to combat terror.

Between them, they tried to come up with as much legislation as possible to stop terror.

We banned rucksacks.

But it had very little effect, so we had to go further and ban buses and trains.

That only had a limited effect, so we decided in the end to ban all forms of transport.

So people would walk from city to city

but as we had already banned rucksacks, they couldn't bring any supplies

and a lot of people died from dehydration.

Well, we actually asked TV and radio programmes to include bomb threat plots

within their story lines.

They had a dirty bomb go off in Balamory.

People never forgot that. Never.

We got a lot of people in, movers and shakers from the entertainment industry.

We got Richard Curtis in to do a special Vicar of Dibley sketch with Dawn French

and that idiot blonde woman who kept asking Dawn...

"Does Allah approve of bombing and bombers?"

Well, the joke was meant to be that in a West Country accent

it came out like "bumming and bummers".

There have been more angry protests in Muslim countries.

Here, several hundred protestors marched through Central London.

These were waiting for worshippers

when they arrived at the mosque In Regents Park in London.

Many people didn�t like them.

The Mosque's own security people were also unhappy

and made them take the placards out onto the street.

(Crowd chanting) Freedom, go to hell! Freedom, go to hell!

I remember people started saying things about Muslims,

like, "Oh, Muslims are very nice, aren't they?"

And people would often drop that into conversation, just in case anyone was listening.

People would say, erm, "That's �1.70, please, and I like Muslims."

Good morning.

Imagine there's no heaven...

Commentators at the time argued that Islam...

It's easy if you try.

...was radicalised by the actions of this man, who Invaded...

No hell below us.

...Iraq.

Above us only sky.

I'd like to end Guantanamo.

But he didn�t. And 30 years on, Guantanamo Bay still exists.

A whole city has developed with shops and schools for the Inmates' children.

Everyone's still bombarded day and night with white noise and the phrase, "You are nothing."

But there are now luxuries allowed, like mobile phones.

(American woman on phone) You are nothing.

"So bad it's good." That was the sort of catchphrase, I think.

(Woman) You're nothing.

(Armando) Other Inmates work here professionally

and some have even gone Into the army.

# You are nothing...

Guantanamo even has Its own TV station pumping out Its biggest variety hit,

- Guanatanamadhouse. - # You are nothing...

A number of Iraqis went on record as saying "This is like the Isle of Man. Stop this."

Imagine all the people.

Living for today.

The coloured girls say.

Take a walk on the wild side.

One, two, three, four.

(Speaks Spanish)

Thatcher was the last person that I can remember

who said that anything that seemed to sound like a lesson

about what she thought society should be like.

Gracias.

Maybe we should have a think about some of the things from the years 2005, 2006...

- Sure. ...2007... I'm not finished.

...2007, 2008, that we all remember.

OK. Erm... Er...

Monkeys.

Biscuits?

- Bricks. - Exit signs.

Ovens. "I'll just put it in the oven."

Oh, Ricochet Boys.

The Swedish.

Mercy killing. What was all that about?

- Wool. - Torture.

Good.

- You can't just say "good". - OK, what do you want me to do?

Just individual words that sum up 2005 to...

That's difficult. Even the word "football" is "foot" and "ball".

- I cannot... - No, but it's a composite word.

- OK, can I use... Composite is OK? - Yes.

OK, composite is OK. Football.

- Yes. - Mm...

Mothercare.

- Motor car? - Mothercare. Mothercare.

Mothercare.

I was a child, my mother was taking care of me.

- Oh, right. - That's...

You don't mean the firm Mothercare?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I mean my mother was caring me.

You see, I'm sorry to pick you up on this but if you meant the firm Mothercare,

that would be a valid use of the word "Mothercare"

because "Mothercare" would therefore be a composite word.

But if you were talking about the care of your mother, that's really two words.

- Mother and care. - OK.

I understand, I understand, I understand. Sorry, I just, er...

OK, mothercare is not possible, no?

Erm, single mum.

- No! - My father wasn't there.

Two of our greatest sportsmen from that period were Tim Henman and Andy Murray.

30 years on, I caught up with Just Tim Henman, who talked to us about Andy Murray.

I had announced that I was going to retire at the end of the season.

That was going to be my last Wimbledon, my last chance.

But... Andy beat me in round one in straight sets.

And of course, I was bitterly disappointed.

But the form he was in, he was obviously going to go on and win it.

So, I jumped over the net to hug him

and I must have touched something because, erm...

my foot got stuck and I broke my racquet.

I slipped, broke my racquet and speared him straight through the neck.

People couldn't have been angrier if he'd taken a shit in his hand

and served it as a volley at the royal box.

- They were angry? - They were furious.

People sort of come up to me and say "murderer"

and "You've ruined everything."

That must have got you down, really, over a period of time.

Oh yes, it did, it did get me down.

And I got into the car in the garage,

with the engine running.

And, er, I was passed out with the fumes

and so I must have accidentally slipped onto the, er gear stick

and put it into reverse...

so the car went backwards, out into the road

and I killed another man.

What then? What was going through your mind?

Well, what happens when you even fail to kill yourself?

Where do you go then?

Rural Hertfordshire, that's where.

Everything all right?

And It's In rural Hertfordshire that Tim Henman has opened up his new caf�,

Tiger Timz.

I tried my hand at commentating. The BBC replaced me with Goran Ivanisevic,

who always sounded incomprehensible.

And made remarks about ugly women and faggots.

(Man's voice) Come on, Henman! (Woman's voice) Go on, Tiger!

- What's that? - Oh, I fitted that just for a laugh.

Seems to amuse some of the punters.

- (Beep) Fault! - What's that noise?

Oh... That's the disabled toilet.

I had to sack the bar manager and he did that before he left.

I don't know how to change it.

One Queen's Club sandwich and a Timmoccino.

I put up a blackboard saying I served the 12th fastest service in the world

but when I'm slow at getting coffee, they all shout, "Come on, Tim!"

- Any other little improvements you've done? - I have installed free internet.

But we, er, have tramps coming in here, fiddling with themselves.

I wouldn't mind if they drank my coffee

but they drink dental mouthwash.

Do you want me to do the clenched fist?

No, no. Don't do that, don't do that.

What didn't you like about that period? And can you make it five words?

Mm, OK, that's an easy one.

Erm, I didn't like...

many things.

Do you remember the news?

Yeah, I do, actually.

- What happened to that?! - It was just mental.

Every day, "Oh, this happened. This happened."

It's like, all right. I've got a life.

(Woman) The fireworks have started...

At that time, so few people watched the news

that broadcasters tried everything they could to broaden Its appeal.

For example, getting Clare Balding to commentate on the bombing of Iran.

...shudders right through you and the light... The colours there of white and fuchsia,

very regal.

And very loud.

They fall down like gold stars dropping from the sky,

the sky lit up, the faces around lighting up.

Building up now to the big finale...

...which is going to be a burst of happy colours!

And coming up later in the programme...

Six months after a tornado ripped through Birmingham, many homes -

this whole street - are still completely uninhabitable.

Later, I'll be asking why.

And I'll be reporting from Drumlanrig Castle in Dumfries and Galloway

the scene of a multi-million pound art raid.

And I'll be strapping myself up with semtex and asking the question,

just how effective are the defences at Sizewell B?

And I'll be getting this prop ready for Evan Davis' report on house prices.

And I'll be here to supply the studio guests with teas and coffees

and generally make sure they're well looked after.

And I'll be asking the Chancellor...

To win over declining viewers to the news,

the BBC pumped billions into coming up with a more exciting news service.

Some of the broadcasts consisted entirely of explanations of what was coming up next.

And I'll be trying on all the reporters' suits to check them for wear and tear.

Good night.

The bulk of the �200 billion spent on revamping the news

was used on giving Huw Edwards a hydraulic desk,

to appeal to young people.

I remember the first time I saw that, I thought the cameraman was moving up

but it wasn't, the desk was going down.

It's like when you're on a train, you're looking out the train window,

and you think, "Oh, God, my chair's moving," but it's not, the whole train is moving.

It didn't mean that they got any more viewers.

People would just switch on at the end to see the desk go down,

so then they had the desk rise up at the start

but it just mean people would switch on at the start, switch off during the middle,

and switch on at the end again to see the desk go down.

So then they installed a randomiser,

so that the desk would go up at unexpected points throughout the show

but in the end, Huw Edwards just said, "I'm not a fairground ride."

With viewers snubbing Huw Edwards and his desk In droves,

the BBC Just gave up.

Hello, you're watching News 24 with Joanna Gosling and Simon McCoy.

It's just after half past 11, a summary of the news now.

What the public did watch In their millions

was BBC 1's People Who Act Like Their Name Would Imply They Would.

(Woman) This week, on People Who Act Like Their Name Would Imply They Would,

meet Carrel...

...Sherry...

...Nick...

...Josh...

...and Ernest.

There was one with a guy called Shaun, who'd shaved all his body hair off.

By the end of the series, they getting really desperate.

There was a guy called Bill who drafted bills.

He wasn't actually an MP. He just did it in his shed.

Wayne.

(Coughing and spluttering)

Jon Snow, they cut out in the end because he didn't... They realised.

The one bit of the news he doesn't do is the weather.

It's frustrating because we filmed a lot of stuff talking about Jon Snow,

then some bright spark piped up about... it doesn't actually work, yeah.

Oh, Liam Piano, who was that pianist.

Obviously. Otherwise he wouldn't have been in the show.

Oh, there was a classic one with this guy, er...

He...

I can't remember his name but it was very funny cos his name...

Actually, it does matter cos his name described what he did.

Erm... Oh, God.

I'm an idiot.

It was very good, though.

- You have no recollection of his name? - No, his name desc...

- His name described the thing he did. - No, I know that.

- You can't remember anything he did? - No.

- Oh, God. It was really funny... - What was funny about it? Can you remember?

How close the two things were, like his name and the thing he did...

were so close that it was very funny.

And you have no recollection of his name or what he did?

No.

- Andy? - Andy?

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't Stu, the guy that fell into the vat of acid?

No.

Was it Matthew?

Matthew?

And he... And he was climbing?

It wasn't a foreign name that sort of sounded like an English thing?

Pierre.

He just pissed into the wind.

Meanwhile, the war on terror was getting more terrifying.

If you met a foreigner, you'd pretty much assume that he was gonna kill you,

and that had a big effect on things like the World Cup.

Much less emphasis on "this is a festival of football",

much more emphasis on "we'll probably all die here, let's hope to get out of this alive".

Despite best efforts, undercover terrorists were still breaching security.

When he came on, there was something in his eye, I knew there was something funny.

And I turned to Posh and I said, "He's gonna blow himself up."

And he did!

(Announcer) Now, here's the man who brings the two halves together,

Dale Winton!

Meanwhile, the entertainer Vic Reeves was arrested

for smuggling enriched uranium from Kurdistan.

Britain went paranoid

as more home secretaries came up with legislation to stop terror.

We arrested Scary Spice.

We also arrested someone called Terry.

There's be strip searches at things like the cinema and the ballet.

People got used to just walking round with nothing on,

it was the only way you could tell someone was definitely not a terrorist.

And there was more criticism of the police when they shot a completely naked man

because they thought he looked like a van packed with explosives.

His family came over all together for the funeral but...

unfortunately they came by coach.

When the coach drew up, the policeman thought it was a rucksack.

So he blew it up in a controlled explosion.

He knows now he did wrong.

The next day, 19 of Gordon Brown's home secretaries resigned.

Are we overscared?

I'd say we're...

we're over... scared.

- Oh, sorry. You just said that. - I just said that.

- Yes. - Thank you.

So what we did in the end, we placed a ban on people being terrified.

How did you...

Well, we got the police to kind of put on beards

and put in suspicious packages on buses and tubes and see if anyone was terrified

and arrest them.

Then we extended it to the cinema, we had agents go in to watch horror films

and arrest anyone who looked terrified.

And they arrested a whole number of people on Final Destination 3.

Erm, but we couldn't make it stick.

I mean, I think the fault with that was that Final Destination 3 wasn't really scary enough.

I mean, the problem to me was the title.

How can you have a sequel of a film

when you have finality embedded in the central concept and indeed in the title?

To my mind, when Final Destination 2 was released,

the original Final Destination should have been renamed Penultimate Destination.

Anyway, that's beside the point. The thing was it wasn't scary enough,

so we couldn't make the charges stick.

Ironically, It was because no news was now being broadcast

that the war against terror was finally won.

Since no atrocities were being reported, people were no longer terrified.

By the end of it, you sort of almost liked the terrorists.

You might see one in the public library and you'd have a bit of banter,

"What are you reading?" " Ooh, that's a terror... It's a jihad notebook" or something.

It was fun, you know?

(# Fanfare and applause)

And with the war on terror won, It was time to celebrate.

And so to our first award.

Terrorism can be a lonely business and a long, hard struggle.

- Our three finalists in this category are... - and mines...

...destroyed a rush-hour bus in Tel Aviv's main street, Dizengoff.

(Applause)

(Jon Snow) The attempted attack in London.

(Applause)

How many of you are saying "I remember that"?

The BBC soon apologised for this show and shut down for a week.

- Now, please welcome Heather Mills. - (Applause)

We've now had terror for 30 years.

How do you think that's affected us?

Well, it solved the obesity problem

because, you know, people were shitting themselves eight or nine times a day,

and that actually helped for a lot of people.

- Maybe just for the pre-watershed market... - Yeah.

...we should say something instead of "shit". - OK, yeah.

"Crapped themselves,

- "shat themselves..." - OK.

"...defecated, emptied themselves."

They, yeah, well, it solved...

- "Evacuated themselves..." - That's a good one.

- I'll go for that one. - OK.

I suppose the main things was it solved the obesity problem

because, you know, people evacuated their bowels about eight or nine times a day.

(Laughs) Really?

- Yeah. - Didn't know that.

Here's Graham with a quick incision.

Cut through...

the liver.

Down we go. Ohh...

There we are.

Can you take that back?

Make some reference to the liver...

erm, obviously Cilla being from Liverpool.

Imagine no possessions.

I wonder if you can.

No need for greed or hunger.

A brotherhood of man.

Imagine all the people.

Sharing all the world.

The coloured girls say.

Doot doot-doot doot-doot doot doot-doot

Doot doot-doot doot-doot

Take a walk on the wild side.

We had a big party in Trafalgar Square to celebrate the end of the war on terror.

Unfortunately a bomb went off and a lot of people were killed.

The next day, we declared war on terror again

but, erm, this time we decided we wouldn't have a party at the end.

Nest week on Time Trumpet we catch up with an Increasingly mad Tom Cruise...

Do you think I have lifts in my shoes? Prove to me that I have lifts in my shoes.

You can't, because you don't have my shoes.

Rape an ape...

...the most popular programme television ever made...

Rape an ape...

...we look at decline in respect for the Royal family...

You'd see Prince Charles on a bus with people just flicking his ears,

saying, "What are you gonna do about it?"

...and we remember the war between Denmark and Tescos.