All language subtitles for Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.S02E06 Mo Mo And Pigsy

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,689 --> 00:00:07,808 ♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink 2 00:00:07,809 --> 00:00:11,199 ♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it 3 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:17,484 ♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now 4 00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:19,285 ♪Just think I'll wait a while 5 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:23,125 ♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please! 6 00:00:23,126 --> 00:00:26,322 ♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪ 7 00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:43,083 - What's that? - A cup of tea, Jonny. 8 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:46,683 - In that cup? - Yeah. Why? 9 00:00:46,684 --> 00:00:49,803 Janet makes me tea in me jelly babies mug. 10 00:00:49,804 --> 00:00:53,643 Well, Janet always wakes up with you. 11 00:00:53,644 --> 00:00:59,162 - It was cold in bed last night. - Ah. No one to snuggle up to? 12 00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:02,917 No, I got so drunk last night, I pissed the bed. 13 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:11,681 I couldn't be bothered flipping the mattress. It was cold and quite clammy. 14 00:01:11,682 --> 00:01:16,241 - You slept in your own filth? - I'm single now. It's what we do. 15 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:19,321 - Well, I never did that. - But you're a girl. 16 00:01:19,322 --> 00:01:21,521 Girls are all clean and precise. 17 00:01:21,522 --> 00:01:25,753 If you pissed the bed, you'd have to take a shower this morning. 18 00:01:30,161 --> 00:01:33,880 I would have scrubbed till you could see my arteries, Jonny. 19 00:01:33,881 --> 00:01:38,039 - Now you've left Gaz... - I only lived with him for six hours. 20 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:43,119 It was great till he said I was harder to live with than an erection at a funeral. 21 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,959 - I want him to accept me for who I am. - Now he's back to living in squalor. 22 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:52,318 I bet he's there now, one finger up his nose, the other picking his arse. 23 00:01:52,319 --> 00:01:54,787 I don't think he'd deteriorate that quickly. 24 00:02:02,559 --> 00:02:07,477 - Great shower. - I could tell you liked it from what I saw. 25 00:02:07,478 --> 00:02:10,277 - What? - There's no lock on the bathroom door. 26 00:02:10,278 --> 00:02:15,957 - That's why I wedged it shut with towels. - Oh, towels, those great defenders (!) 27 00:02:15,958 --> 00:02:20,236 - You came in?! - Yeah, I needed a dump. 28 00:02:20,237 --> 00:02:23,996 Gaz! You could've knocked. I'd have got out for you. 29 00:02:23,997 --> 00:02:27,476 - There's a fatal flaw in that plan. - What's that? 30 00:02:27,477 --> 00:02:33,115 - I'd have never got to see your norks. - Gaz! You pervert! How dare you?! 31 00:02:33,116 --> 00:02:37,915 - You can see me naked if you want. - No, Gaz! Keep the pants on! 32 00:02:37,916 --> 00:02:41,195 In fact, will you put some more clothes on? 33 00:02:41,196 --> 00:02:44,515 - I will if you phone Jonny. - Why should I? 34 00:02:44,516 --> 00:02:48,634 Because he probably thinks you're with that Andy. 35 00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:51,034 - Well, let him. - Pants coming off! 36 00:02:51,035 --> 00:02:54,471 OK, OK. I won't phone him. I'll go round. 37 00:02:56,835 --> 00:02:59,314 Gaz... 38 00:02:59,315 --> 00:03:02,113 You want me to take 'em off now? 39 00:03:02,114 --> 00:03:06,193 No. I was wondering if you'd come with me. 40 00:03:06,194 --> 00:03:08,873 - Why? - 'Cause I don't know what to say. 41 00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:11,672 I don't know if we've got a future. 42 00:03:17,913 --> 00:03:20,746 And I need to have a wank. 43 00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:28,432 Donna'll be at her mum's. What were you two fighting about? 44 00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:33,151 Oh, we made this list about what we wanted from living with each other. 45 00:03:33,152 --> 00:03:35,712 Mm-mm! Where's the list you made? 46 00:03:37,472 --> 00:03:39,951 I'm using it as a footstool. 47 00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:43,270 Gaz! How big was Donna's list? 48 00:03:43,271 --> 00:03:45,830 - Well, that's the problem. - What? 49 00:03:45,831 --> 00:03:48,903 Look at me! I'm just too perfect. 50 00:03:56,471 --> 00:04:00,589 - Why don't you talk to her? - I don't know where she is. 51 00:04:00,590 --> 00:04:04,869 Shall I just stand in the High Street shouting, "Janet! Janet!" 52 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:08,989 People'd keep asking why I was selling "Janet". 53 00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:14,068 - It's pretty obvious where she is, Jonny. - I know. I don't know his address. 54 00:04:14,069 --> 00:04:17,188 - I do. Go and talk to Andy. - I can't. 55 00:04:17,189 --> 00:04:20,348 - 'Course you can. - What if he answers the door? 56 00:04:20,349 --> 00:04:25,307 "Excuse me, mister. Can I have my girlfriend back, please?" 57 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:30,187 - You're a coward if you don't. - Why should I get her back, anyway? 58 00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:34,947 If whenever I get huffy, she runs to him, I'm not sure I want her. 59 00:04:34,948 --> 00:04:41,906 Huffy? From what you said, you were acting, in the words of Oscar Wilde, like a twat. 60 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:45,506 - Only because I wanted revenge. - When is revenge a good idea? 61 00:04:45,507 --> 00:04:50,058 Never, but it makes me feel better than a big, tall... rabbit. 62 00:04:52,147 --> 00:04:54,305 - Jonny? - What? 63 00:04:54,306 --> 00:04:56,905 Do you want me to come with you? 64 00:04:56,906 --> 00:04:59,545 That'd be a great help if you could. 65 00:04:59,546 --> 00:05:02,625 I'll hide in the bushes, you knock on his door. 66 00:05:02,626 --> 00:05:07,305 When he answers - bang, bang, bang! - shoot him in the head. 67 00:05:07,306 --> 00:05:11,064 - You haven't got a gun. - I thought you might have one. 68 00:05:11,065 --> 00:05:15,664 I can't knock on the door. I can lend moral support, but that's all. 69 00:05:15,665 --> 00:05:20,504 - But what if he answers? - His mum might answer. 70 00:05:20,505 --> 00:05:23,655 He lives with his mum? Ha-ha! I don't! 71 00:05:28,464 --> 00:05:30,583 (KNOCK) 72 00:05:30,584 --> 00:05:31,903 Come! 73 00:05:33,304 --> 00:05:36,222 - Hello, Flo. How are you? - Gary. 74 00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:39,215 You look worn out. Sit down. 75 00:05:41,983 --> 00:05:44,982 Would you like a massage? 76 00:05:44,983 --> 00:05:47,422 That's kind, but no, it's all right. 77 00:05:47,423 --> 00:05:51,381 - How about some sex? - What?! 78 00:05:51,382 --> 00:05:56,934 I'm just joking! God, you're easy! Sit down. I'll make you a cup o' tea. 79 00:06:00,262 --> 00:06:03,581 Do you know, it's strange seein' you without Donna. 80 00:06:03,582 --> 00:06:09,140 Were you just drawn to me, Gary? 'Cause that happens. I was in Kendall's, 81 00:06:09,141 --> 00:06:12,420 and this man just wouldn't stop followin' me. 82 00:06:12,421 --> 00:06:15,900 - His eyes were everywhere. - It was the store detective. 83 00:06:15,901 --> 00:06:21,019 - You got arrested for nicking tights. - That girl's got such a gob on her. 84 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:23,779 - Where is she? - Why you askin' me? 85 00:06:23,780 --> 00:06:26,019 - You should know. - Why? 86 00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:28,579 She came here last night after our tiff. 87 00:06:28,580 --> 00:06:33,938 She never did? How much blue Bols did I drink last night? 88 00:06:33,939 --> 00:06:36,858 So, you've not seen her? 89 00:06:36,859 --> 00:06:39,293 - Not a peep. - Where else would she go? 90 00:06:40,819 --> 00:06:44,778 Gary, what was this little tiff about? 91 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:48,088 Oh, just about me being too perfect. 92 00:06:50,058 --> 00:06:56,217 And during this little tiff, you exposed her imperfections? 93 00:06:56,218 --> 00:06:59,497 - Yeah, of course. - My God, Gary. 94 00:06:59,498 --> 00:07:02,256 - What have you done? - What? What? 95 00:07:02,257 --> 00:07:05,736 My Donna is a sensitive little flower. 96 00:07:05,737 --> 00:07:10,413 One cruel remark and we could be back to the... aardvark of fire incident. 97 00:07:11,857 --> 00:07:13,893 No, it wasn't that bad... 98 00:07:15,176 --> 00:07:19,375 - What aardvark of fire incident? - You don't want to know. 99 00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:23,574 But if you did, you'd never go to Knowesly Safari Park again. 100 00:07:24,896 --> 00:07:27,655 - I'm sure she's all right. - How would you know? 101 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:30,814 You haven't seen her all night. You've lost her! 102 00:07:30,815 --> 00:07:33,334 - Not all night. - How long? 103 00:07:33,335 --> 00:07:35,894 Well, some of the night... An hour... 104 00:07:35,895 --> 00:07:39,974 Not even that. I think she just rolled off the bed. 105 00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:43,733 - Nothing to worry about. - I'm phoning the police. 106 00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:46,173 There's always been something odd about you. 107 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:50,213 I'll find her! Honest! I can't believe I've killed me girlfriend. 108 00:07:50,214 --> 00:07:53,809 I swore there'd be no more killin' after Shirley. 109 00:07:55,414 --> 00:07:58,883 No, no. It was my amazing exploding frog. 110 00:08:02,813 --> 00:08:06,092 Hi, love. It's me. Job done. 111 00:08:06,093 --> 00:08:09,403 Oh, yeah, yeah. He thinks you're dead. 112 00:08:10,973 --> 00:08:15,045 He's feeling guiltier than a Catholic with a carrot up 'im. 113 00:08:18,292 --> 00:08:21,731 Why are you making me sit here? It's freezing. 114 00:08:21,732 --> 00:08:27,410 I don't know. Just getting used to doing things I did when I was single. 115 00:08:27,411 --> 00:08:31,610 We only did this because we couldn't get into the pubs. 116 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:34,730 I can't remember what else I did before Jonny. 117 00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:40,649 Well, we read the problems pages in magazines, and the horoscopes... 118 00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:45,769 and we lusted after Brian Harvey from East 17. God, we were sick! 119 00:08:45,770 --> 00:08:49,729 - Well, read my horoscope, then. - Crabby crabster. 120 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,889 - Oh, my God! - What? 121 00:08:52,890 --> 00:08:57,928 It says, "You will have conflict with your partner over a person from your past." 122 00:08:57,929 --> 00:09:02,728 - Really? - "Act now to avoid further conflict." 123 00:09:02,729 --> 00:09:05,248 Honest to God? What does yours say? 124 00:09:05,249 --> 00:09:09,847 Taurus... "You'll be forced to comfort a friend in need this week. 125 00:09:09,848 --> 00:09:13,727 "Do not let her man troubles interfere with your heavy work schedule." 126 00:09:13,728 --> 00:09:17,607 - God, this is spooky! - You don't have a heavy work schedule. 127 00:09:17,608 --> 00:09:21,047 I have a 500-word essay due in a year. 128 00:09:21,048 --> 00:09:24,486 Well, that horoscope stuff's just a load of bollocks, anyway, Louise. 129 00:09:24,487 --> 00:09:28,446 No. It even says you should take a good look in the mirror. 130 00:09:28,447 --> 00:09:31,926 - Should I? - Yeah, you have bacon bits in your teeth. 131 00:09:31,927 --> 00:09:35,885 - Oh, thanks. - I'm going to prove it to you. 132 00:09:35,886 --> 00:09:38,325 Horoscopes are pure hard facts. 133 00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:43,365 I'm gonna look at yours and Jonny's star signs and figure out what went wrong. 134 00:09:43,366 --> 00:09:47,245 Other than you slagging it up behind his back. 135 00:09:48,486 --> 00:09:51,284 Mum? Mum? 136 00:09:51,285 --> 00:09:54,482 Donna, you live in a palace. 137 00:09:57,005 --> 00:10:00,444 You've got a zester! I've always wanted one of them. 138 00:10:00,445 --> 00:10:04,083 - I'll find me address book, then we can go. - Donna? 139 00:10:04,084 --> 00:10:07,281 Ooh, you've brought me a present. 140 00:10:08,644 --> 00:10:13,563 - What? - He's skinny, but I bet he's got stamina. 141 00:10:13,564 --> 00:10:15,683 That's Jonny, Janet's boyfriend. 142 00:10:15,684 --> 00:10:20,482 You're taken? Oh, well. Never mind. 143 00:10:20,483 --> 00:10:24,874 Tell me, Jonny, have you ever experienced an older woman? 144 00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:29,802 What the hell are you?! 145 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:35,001 Floella Henshaw, Donna's mother. Don't tell me. I know - we look like sisters. 146 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,201 Tell me, Jonny, have you ever experienced sisters? 147 00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,361 Donna, is she all right? 148 00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:44,601 - She has got a crazed look in her eye. - I like Gary better. 149 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:49,400 - It's upstairs on the landing by the phone. - Right. 150 00:10:49,401 --> 00:10:51,560 Has Gaz been back since? 151 00:10:51,561 --> 00:10:56,360 No, but he'll know not to mess with the Henshaw women again. 152 00:10:56,361 --> 00:10:59,800 - You didn't go too far? - No. Course of Prozac, 153 00:10:59,801 --> 00:11:03,839 a couple of years' intensive counselling, be right as rain. 154 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,351 Sit down, Jonny. 155 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,959 I think I might stay here... or... or go outside. 156 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,836 Sit, Jonny! 157 00:11:21,999 --> 00:11:24,478 I like your, erm... 158 00:11:24,479 --> 00:11:29,437 I like your lino. It's cool. 159 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:30,757 Thank you. 160 00:11:34,118 --> 00:11:36,277 - Mrs Henshaw? - Yes, love? 161 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:41,677 - Could you take your hand off my crotch? - Sorry, I didn't realise I was doing that. 162 00:11:41,678 --> 00:11:45,956 I've never felt fear like this before, so I'm gonna move slowly away. 163 00:11:45,957 --> 00:11:48,716 Oh, fine. You're scared of women. 164 00:11:48,717 --> 00:11:52,596 Listen, from what I felt, you couldn't satisfy a mouse's ear anyway. 165 00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:58,395 - I've got it. Thanks, Mum. - You must come again, love. 166 00:11:58,396 --> 00:12:02,795 We had a lovely chat. You must bring more nice young men home. 167 00:12:02,796 --> 00:12:05,675 Mum, you're so daft. She's just teasin', Jonny. 168 00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:08,349 - She is a deviant! - Thank you! 169 00:12:12,795 --> 00:12:17,274 - Is he a big lad? - It depends on what you mean by big. 170 00:12:17,275 --> 00:12:20,994 Big compared to you or big compared to a kidney bean? 171 00:12:20,995 --> 00:12:24,114 - Er, a kidney bean. - Oh, he's massive. 172 00:12:24,115 --> 00:12:26,393 - OK, me. - Oh, he's massive. 173 00:12:26,394 --> 00:12:30,713 - Could I take him? - Just don't go in all cocky. Be polite... 174 00:12:30,714 --> 00:12:33,633 and if he gives you the look, run for your life. 175 00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:37,070 "The look"? Well, I've got a look. See? 176 00:12:39,273 --> 00:12:41,872 I wouldn't do that. You just look backward. 177 00:12:41,873 --> 00:12:45,512 I'm gonna barge in and demand to know where Janet is. 178 00:12:45,513 --> 00:12:47,310 OK. Go on. 179 00:12:53,952 --> 00:12:56,751 (DOORBELL RINGS) 180 00:12:56,752 --> 00:12:59,751 Go! Go! 181 00:12:59,752 --> 00:13:02,751 - What? - I'm not goin'! I'm frightened! 182 00:13:02,752 --> 00:13:04,105 Shh! 183 00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:07,025 Hello? 184 00:13:08,591 --> 00:13:10,390 Anybody there? 185 00:13:10,391 --> 00:13:12,382 (MUTTERING) 186 00:13:13,591 --> 00:13:17,430 Oi, mate, did you just ring my doorbell? 187 00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:20,867 Erm, y-yes. Yes, I did. And, erm... 188 00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:26,389 ...and then the wind blew me back... 189 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:29,669 here behind this wall. 190 00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:34,229 - What can I help you with? - Nothin', actually. Bye. 191 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,148 Ow! 192 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:40,548 - You all right, mate? - Yeah, a scabby old mongrel bit me. 193 00:13:40,549 --> 00:13:45,268 - Hold on a minute. You're Jonny, in't you? - Yes, actually. Yes, I am. 194 00:13:45,269 --> 00:13:48,784 - Janet's boyfriend. - Give her back! Give her back! 195 00:13:51,508 --> 00:13:53,907 - You know, don't you? - What? What do I know? 196 00:13:53,908 --> 00:13:59,867 That you're a big girlfriend-stealing twat who has to snog other people's girlfriends? 197 00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,347 - Yeah, that. - Yeah, I do know, actually. 198 00:14:02,348 --> 00:14:05,226 And I know you've got her in your castle of lust, 199 00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:10,146 feeding her phallic strawberries and suchlike. 200 00:14:10,147 --> 00:14:13,306 You think strawberries are phallic, mate? 201 00:14:13,307 --> 00:14:17,026 Yeah, well... Give her back! Give her back! 202 00:14:17,027 --> 00:14:22,625 She's not here. I wish she was and I wish you were dead, but neither's true. 203 00:14:22,626 --> 00:14:26,385 - Look for yourself. - I'm not falling for that. 204 00:14:26,386 --> 00:14:33,144 You want me in there so you can kick me and beat me... and bind my feet. 205 00:14:33,145 --> 00:14:35,295 I'm a lover not a fighter, Jonny. 206 00:14:36,425 --> 00:14:40,384 You see, now there's no way I'm comin' in there. 207 00:14:40,385 --> 00:14:42,376 Who's that? 208 00:14:44,705 --> 00:14:46,934 - Hello. - And what are you doin' there? 209 00:14:51,144 --> 00:14:53,453 I dropped my Toffee Crisp wrapper. 210 00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:57,937 I collect them. 211 00:15:05,063 --> 00:15:07,982 - Jonny? - He's not here. 212 00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:13,622 - How do you know? - Because Cancerian men are elusive. 213 00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:18,461 - So where is he, then? - Well, let's see. 214 00:15:18,462 --> 00:15:22,861 Girlfriend snogs other man. Girlfriend runs off with other man. 215 00:15:22,862 --> 00:15:27,421 Girlfriend tactlessly spends the afternoon with mate getting pissed. 216 00:15:27,422 --> 00:15:31,820 Hmm... Cancerian men are very sensitive. 217 00:15:31,821 --> 00:15:34,500 I'd say he's topped himself. 218 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,900 Louise! No, he'd never do that. 219 00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:41,660 - He hates the sight of blood. - Just like his star sign. 220 00:15:41,661 --> 00:15:46,379 You don't have to slit your wrists. He could have jumped off the bridge. 221 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:52,139 No, he hates people doing that. All the traffic. He shouts for them to jump. 222 00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:55,939 - He could have taken pills. - We don't have any pills. 223 00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:59,898 We have got evening primrose capsules, but they wouldn't kill you. 224 00:15:59,899 --> 00:16:03,778 No, but he'd grow a great pair of breasts. 225 00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:07,378 He could have hung himself. God! Why did I say that? 226 00:16:07,379 --> 00:16:12,691 Oh! Have you got the image in your head now - Jonny swinging solitary in a barn... 227 00:16:13,738 --> 00:16:18,177 ...his bloated tongue lolling, eyeballs rolled up inside his head? 228 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:22,737 - Louise! - You'll never get rid of that image now. 229 00:16:22,738 --> 00:16:26,456 Even if he is found alive, that's how you'll picture him. 230 00:16:26,457 --> 00:16:29,296 Until one day the image drives you insane, 231 00:16:29,297 --> 00:16:32,767 and you recreate it for real in an old disused warehouse. 232 00:16:34,337 --> 00:16:39,615 Oh, my God. I feel sick. What if something has happened to him, Louise? 233 00:16:39,616 --> 00:16:44,095 Bollocks. When did I last say I loved him? We've got to find him. 234 00:16:44,096 --> 00:16:46,895 - He might be looking for you. - Do you think? 235 00:16:46,896 --> 00:16:49,091 No, he's definitely dead. 236 00:16:50,416 --> 00:16:53,814 Oh, God. I feel so stupid. 237 00:16:53,815 --> 00:16:57,454 Jonny was right to be upset. I should've let him calm down. 238 00:16:57,455 --> 00:17:00,894 - Donna? Have you seen Donna? - Have you seen Jonny? 239 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,931 Ooh! A double suicide! 240 00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:06,854 Donna's mum thinks I pushed her over the edge. 241 00:17:06,855 --> 00:17:10,253 Over the edge of where? Did you kill Jonny, too? 242 00:17:10,254 --> 00:17:15,253 No, you small, scary, overly well-groomed thing. 243 00:17:15,254 --> 00:17:17,653 Over the edge of insanity. 244 00:17:17,654 --> 00:17:20,853 Do you know about the aardvark of fire incident? 245 00:17:20,854 --> 00:17:24,772 - No, what's that? - Something they never talk about. 246 00:17:24,773 --> 00:17:30,405 What? Like the Grandad euthanasia incident in my family. 247 00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:35,491 Louise, you're scaring everyone now. Go home. 248 00:17:35,492 --> 00:17:38,971 OK. What's your star sign, Gaz? 249 00:17:38,972 --> 00:17:44,683 Aries. It's an anagram of "raise", as in "raising" to the occasion... 250 00:17:47,052 --> 00:17:49,730 No Gaz, you rise to the occasion. 251 00:17:49,731 --> 00:17:51,801 I certainly do. 252 00:17:52,891 --> 00:17:55,359 And what was Donna's star sign? 253 00:17:56,531 --> 00:17:59,921 Don't know. Mind, I don't know how old Donna is. 254 00:18:01,091 --> 00:18:03,530 Christ! She could be 30! 255 00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:08,445 - She's a Taurus, Louise. Same as you. - Taurus and Aries, eh? 256 00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:11,969 This could spell... 257 00:18:11,970 --> 00:18:13,289 disaster! 258 00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:19,968 There's something very wrong with that girl. 259 00:18:19,969 --> 00:18:23,888 Come on, Gaz. What we gonna do? I'm so scared. 260 00:18:23,889 --> 00:18:28,565 My boyfriend's vanished. Your girlfriend's vanished. We're all alone. 261 00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,722 Yep. We're all alone. 262 00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:42,642 Alone and horny. 263 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:49,086 Gaz, I just wanna find Jonny and apologise. I'm not horny. 264 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:54,806 You haven't done it for three days. From what Jonny says, that's a long time in your book. 265 00:18:54,807 --> 00:18:59,526 - What book? - The book of sex. 266 00:18:59,527 --> 00:19:03,965 Gaz, you disgust me. I'd rather sleep with a syphilitic goat. 267 00:19:03,966 --> 00:19:07,365 - Ooh, you're insatiable. - Come on, Gaz. Concentrate. 268 00:19:07,366 --> 00:19:11,439 I'm really worried. I need to find Jonny. Where might they be? 269 00:19:13,206 --> 00:19:15,204 - Canada? - What? 270 00:19:15,205 --> 00:19:18,804 - I don't know. I'm worried. - You weren't a minute ago. 271 00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:23,644 Men can detach themselves from all emotions if there's a sniff of a quickie. 272 00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:26,284 - Jonny doesn't. - Yes, well... 273 00:19:26,285 --> 00:19:28,479 he's got homosexual tendencies. 274 00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:33,323 - Maybe they're in the pub. - Good idea. Let's go. 275 00:19:33,324 --> 00:19:37,763 - You just want a pint. - Good idea. Let's go. 276 00:19:37,764 --> 00:19:39,402 Come on. 277 00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:52,322 - What's that? - Just a painting I'm working on. 278 00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:54,200 (COUGHS) Wanker! 279 00:19:56,003 --> 00:19:58,521 Oh, my God! 280 00:19:58,522 --> 00:20:03,961 Look at this jewellery. It's like billions of pounds waiting for me to steal. 281 00:20:03,962 --> 00:20:08,114 Yeah. Don't. Anyway, it's mostly costume jewellery. 282 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,880 - Except for this. - That's gorgeous. 283 00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:14,917 (MOCKINGLY) "That's gorgeous!" 284 00:20:16,001 --> 00:20:19,160 My grandmother's wedding ring. Before that, her mother's. 285 00:20:19,161 --> 00:20:21,560 She pawned it to get here from Ireland. 286 00:20:21,561 --> 00:20:26,359 My grandfather spent years tracking it down. It's inscribed, though, see? 287 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,670 "From Mo Mo to Pigsy with love." 288 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,199 - That's so romantic. - "That's so romantic!" Let me see. 289 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,078 - Stop it. - Anyway, you can see Janet in't here. 290 00:20:39,079 --> 00:20:42,158 (WHINY VOICE) "Anyway, you can see Janet in't here." 291 00:20:42,159 --> 00:20:45,958 - I don't even talk like that. - Well, I wish you did. 292 00:20:45,959 --> 00:20:49,718 Then you wouldn't steal other people's girlfriends. Sure, they'd fancy you, 293 00:20:49,719 --> 00:20:51,878 but then you'd just go, 294 00:20:51,879 --> 00:20:54,917 (WHINY VOICE) Hello. I'm Andy and I love you. 295 00:20:54,918 --> 00:20:58,837 I never stole Janet off you. You stole her off me. 296 00:20:58,838 --> 00:21:01,877 - No. - She were seeing me when she met you. 297 00:21:01,878 --> 00:21:03,837 That's true. 298 00:21:03,838 --> 00:21:09,956 When she said to me, when we split up... that she'd met someone else... 299 00:21:09,957 --> 00:21:12,676 (SOBS) and that this time it were true love... 300 00:21:14,197 --> 00:21:16,396 Hey, are you all right? 301 00:21:16,397 --> 00:21:18,433 I'll be fine. 302 00:21:20,037 --> 00:21:22,709 Is that hanky your granny's as well? 303 00:21:24,156 --> 00:21:28,475 I knew I couldn't keep her. She were just too precious, too special. 304 00:21:28,476 --> 00:21:35,313 She could swallow a whole banana without chewin'. You can't buy class like that. 305 00:21:37,275 --> 00:21:39,914 I-I know. Andy, stop cryin', mate. 306 00:21:39,915 --> 00:21:43,385 - I can't. Group hug? - Let's not. 307 00:21:44,555 --> 00:21:47,794 OK. You've seen she's not here. 308 00:21:47,795 --> 00:21:51,673 Look, nobody could ever steal Janet off you, Jonny. 309 00:21:51,674 --> 00:21:55,273 God knows why, but you're the love of her life. 310 00:21:55,274 --> 00:21:58,107 Now go and find her, yeah? 311 00:22:01,914 --> 00:22:04,427 - So... So she's definitely not here? - No! 312 00:22:07,073 --> 00:22:10,832 - And she doesn't love you? - No! Now get out me house! 313 00:22:10,833 --> 00:22:13,142 You're creating dust. 314 00:22:20,032 --> 00:22:23,791 - I knew you'd be here. - Was it in the stars, Louise? 315 00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:29,271 No, I just followed the smell of stale fags and bed sweat. 316 00:22:29,272 --> 00:22:33,230 - Have you seen Jonny or Donna? - No, but I've studied your charts, 317 00:22:33,231 --> 00:22:37,310 and I can tell you what happens to each relationship. 318 00:22:37,311 --> 00:22:40,350 Is it bad news? I haven't had enough lately (!) 319 00:22:40,351 --> 00:22:44,790 - Well, you're in luck. You and Jonny... - Yeah? 320 00:22:44,791 --> 00:22:48,863 ...will split up, you'll marry the gay one from Hear'Say 321 00:22:49,990 --> 00:22:53,949 and come shopping to Sainsbury's with me and the other elite. 322 00:22:53,950 --> 00:22:56,949 - And Jonny? - Well, if Jonny isn't dead, 323 00:22:56,950 --> 00:23:02,028 then he's going to go on tour with Debbie McGee's Ballet Imaginaire. 324 00:23:02,029 --> 00:23:07,468 He will pierce himself all over and marry a Croatian lap-dancer in Wigan. 325 00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:11,268 - Will me and Donna still be together? - No, Gaz. 326 00:23:11,269 --> 00:23:13,703 You're going to get fat. 327 00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:18,147 - That's it? - Well, that's what the stars say. 328 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:23,300 - Blown it wi' Donna, haven't I? - I've blown it with Jonny, too, mate. 329 00:23:24,348 --> 00:23:27,827 I can't believe I meet the girl of my dreams 330 00:23:27,828 --> 00:23:33,186 and screw up over some bloody list of things I could change in myself. 331 00:23:33,187 --> 00:23:35,466 I feel really bad. 332 00:23:35,467 --> 00:23:41,099 I've got the love of my life hating me over some stupid, lager-breathed kiss. 333 00:23:42,306 --> 00:23:45,465 I feel worse. 334 00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:48,945 What we gonna do? We've ruined it for everyone. 335 00:23:48,946 --> 00:23:54,145 If only you and Donna could go back to being a rubbish couple, 336 00:23:54,146 --> 00:23:56,344 - and me and Jonny could... - Hello. 337 00:23:56,345 --> 00:24:00,384 Jonny! Where've you been? I've been so worried. I'm so sorry. 338 00:24:00,385 --> 00:24:02,584 - Jonny, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too. 339 00:24:02,585 --> 00:24:07,184 What happened? I thought you were dead! I've missed you. I have, you know. 340 00:24:07,185 --> 00:24:10,144 All right. You've been punished enough. 341 00:24:10,145 --> 00:24:13,023 I looked everywhere! Even in me soul. 342 00:24:13,024 --> 00:24:14,616 Tosser! 343 00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:19,463 What's going on? Stop! You're disobeying the stars! 344 00:24:19,464 --> 00:24:23,183 - God, can we just forget about all this? - You can't. 345 00:24:23,184 --> 00:24:26,222 Let's just stop thinking and start drinking. 346 00:24:26,223 --> 00:24:29,932 You're so clever making "thinking" and "drinking" rhyme like that. 347 00:24:31,063 --> 00:24:36,382 Useless, all of you! Not one of you acted like the stars said you would. Not one. 348 00:24:36,383 --> 00:24:39,621 - Louise, get a life. - Stop interfering. We're happy. 349 00:24:39,622 --> 00:24:43,181 - Get your own relationship to mess with. - Fine. 350 00:24:43,182 --> 00:24:46,941 I'll find someone else to hang around with. 351 00:24:46,942 --> 00:24:50,571 And my new friend won't use Dairylea as a sex aid... Janet. 352 00:24:54,141 --> 00:24:57,780 Well, there's something very wrong with that girl. 353 00:24:57,781 --> 00:24:59,373 Yeah. 354 00:25:12,580 --> 00:25:17,139 - Oh, Louise. - Well, hello, Andy. 355 00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:19,813 (PURRS) 356 00:25:27,139 --> 00:25:29,578 Did you two make lists when you got together? 357 00:25:29,579 --> 00:25:33,018 Yeah, things like "buy Sugar Puffs" and "need marshmallows". 358 00:25:33,019 --> 00:25:36,297 Not shopping lists, things that you needed from each other. 359 00:25:36,298 --> 00:25:40,937 Those were the things we needed from each other, Sugar Puffs and marshmallows. 360 00:25:40,938 --> 00:25:44,137 What's Gaz gonna do with that huge list? 361 00:25:44,138 --> 00:25:49,137 He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to make him eat it. 362 00:25:49,138 --> 00:25:52,056 Look what I've got for you! 363 00:25:52,057 --> 00:25:55,496 - What's this? - Just summat to add to me list. 364 00:25:55,497 --> 00:25:58,096 Gaz, I thought we said no more demands? 365 00:25:58,097 --> 00:26:02,456 - It's just summat I want you to do for me. - If this says "anal sex"... 366 00:26:02,457 --> 00:26:04,606 Read it! 367 00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:08,370 "Don't change." 368 00:26:10,776 --> 00:26:14,015 Oh, Gaz. 369 00:26:14,016 --> 00:26:17,724 You can have the keys to my bottom whenever you want. 370 00:26:21,095 --> 00:26:25,293 - Why are you still standing? - I've got the keys to your bottom! Come on! 371 00:26:29,655 --> 00:26:32,693 - They didn't finish their drinks. - Well, would you? 372 00:26:32,694 --> 00:26:37,053 - You would, wouldn't you? - You do have to be well lubricated. 373 00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:41,493 Janet, you know the most amazing things, and that is why I love you. 374 00:26:41,494 --> 00:26:43,733 I love you, too. 375 00:26:43,734 --> 00:26:46,132 Janet, can I ask you a question? 376 00:26:46,133 --> 00:26:51,692 Oh, Jonny, for the last time, Andy didn't touch your two missiles of jubbly. 377 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:55,732 No, no. It's not that. It's just, erm... 378 00:26:55,733 --> 00:26:58,412 - Janet... - Oh, my God! 379 00:26:58,413 --> 00:27:00,607 Will you marry me? 380 00:27:03,692 --> 00:27:06,411 Jonny, it's beautiful. 381 00:27:09,172 --> 00:27:12,291 Who the fuck are Mo Mo and Pigsy?! 382 00:27:12,292 --> 00:27:14,680 ♪ Every time I try and rise above 383 00:27:15,731 --> 00:27:19,490 ♪ I'm swept away by love 384 00:27:19,491 --> 00:27:22,370 ♪ Baby, I can't help it 385 00:27:22,371 --> 00:27:31,847 ♪ You keep me drowning in your love... 386 00:27:35,890 --> 00:27:39,769 ♪ You keep me drowning in your love 387 00:27:39,770 --> 00:27:46,608 ♪ Oh, I need you to keep me drowning in your love 388 00:27:46,609 --> 00:27:49,568 ♪ Baby, I can't help it 389 00:27:49,569 --> 00:27:52,448 ♪ I can't help it, no, no 390 00:27:52,449 --> 00:27:56,327 ♪ Every time I breathe, I take you in 391 00:27:56,328 --> 00:27:59,081 ♪ And my heart beats again 392 00:28:00,288 --> 00:28:03,367 ♪ Baby, I can't help it 393 00:28:03,368 --> 00:28:05,967 ♪ I'm drowning in your love 394 00:28:05,968 --> 00:28:09,407 ♪ Every time I try to rise above 395 00:28:09,408 --> 00:28:13,606 ♪ I'm swept away by love 396 00:28:13,607 --> 00:28:17,286 ♪ Baby, I can't help it 397 00:28:17,287 --> 00:28:24,204 ♪ I'm drowning in your love ♪ 33929

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