All language subtitles for Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.S02E04 Vomit

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish Download
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,792 ♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink 2 00:00:07,793 --> 00:00:11,184 ♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it 3 00:00:13,508 --> 00:00:17,440 ♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now 4 00:00:17,442 --> 00:00:19,241 ♪ Just think I'll wait a while 5 00:00:19,242 --> 00:00:23,082 ♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please! 6 00:00:23,083 --> 00:00:26,281 ♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪ 7 00:00:31,006 --> 00:00:32,598 Jonny? 8 00:00:34,206 --> 00:00:35,606 Jonny? 9 00:00:39,848 --> 00:00:42,728 Donna, I'm gettin' off now. 10 00:00:42,729 --> 00:00:47,249 Jonny, come on! Get up! You've got that job interview today. 11 00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:51,210 I'm dyin'! Help me. 12 00:00:51,679 --> 00:00:54,508 - Feel my forehead. - Why? Is it hot? 13 00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:57,630 No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it. 14 00:00:57,631 --> 00:01:00,988 - Jonny, why do you always do this? - Do what? 15 00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:04,704 Oh, my God! 16 00:01:05,873 --> 00:01:11,274 I can see many... many penguins. I think I'm hallucinating, Janet! 17 00:01:11,275 --> 00:01:14,995 No, you're faking to get out of another job interview. 18 00:01:14,996 --> 00:01:18,831 It's like when you were meeting my mother and had Swarfega fever. 19 00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:22,277 My glands are massive. 20 00:01:22,278 --> 00:01:24,270 Feel my testicles. 21 00:01:25,639 --> 00:01:28,712 - Why? Are they swollen? - No, I just like it. 22 00:01:35,202 --> 00:01:38,001 (SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT) 23 00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:41,359 Hello, little puppy. What's your name? 24 00:01:42,844 --> 00:01:45,153 Oh, Chesney, you say? 25 00:01:47,325 --> 00:01:50,525 Well, Chesney, my name's Louise, 26 00:01:50,526 --> 00:01:54,839 and I'm going to spend the last of my fag money on you. 27 00:01:59,569 --> 00:02:02,288 Donna. Donna, you all right? You look great. 28 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:06,842 You wanna move in or what? Eh? Eh? Eh? Bit direct. 29 00:02:07,851 --> 00:02:09,930 Yo! 30 00:02:09,931 --> 00:02:15,052 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Yo, Donna. You're lookin' fine, girl... girlfriend. 31 00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:18,293 You wanna be my bitch in my ghetto? 32 00:02:18,294 --> 00:02:20,894 I think that's a bit obscure. 33 00:02:20,895 --> 00:02:22,965 Bit knobby, as well. Erm... 34 00:02:24,656 --> 00:02:27,135 Donna... 35 00:02:27,136 --> 00:02:29,456 Donna... 36 00:02:29,457 --> 00:02:31,449 Donna, you look... 37 00:02:33,498 --> 00:02:35,296 beautiful. 38 00:02:36,819 --> 00:02:41,416 Do you wanna be my Pop Tart and live in my toaster of love? 39 00:02:42,781 --> 00:02:45,421 Yeah, that makes sense. 40 00:02:45,422 --> 00:02:48,380 It's perfect that, lad. Bring it on! 41 00:02:52,864 --> 00:02:57,302 You're back! My eldest has returned to my wonderfully pert bosom. 42 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:09,867 Look at you. Come to Mama, my bambino! 43 00:03:09,868 --> 00:03:13,148 - I actually forgot I'd moved out. - You forgot? 44 00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:16,109 Yeah. This is scary. 45 00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:18,630 - You know what this is? - No. 46 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,951 Early menopause. 47 00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:24,151 Have you had an overwhelming urge for unbridled sex yet? 48 00:03:24,152 --> 00:03:27,232 Well, no, but I've not had bridled sex yet, 49 00:03:27,233 --> 00:03:31,786 unless you count the monstrous things I used to do with My Little Pony. 50 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,395 - This is worryin'. - Worry? That's another symptom. 51 00:03:35,396 --> 00:03:39,076 Have your periods stopped or become light or heavy or clumpy? 52 00:03:39,077 --> 00:03:41,272 Urgh! Mum! No! 53 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:47,878 You're probably all right. As long as they're like a Slush Puppy - cherry flavoured. 54 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:51,399 I've suddenly remembered why I moved out. Bye, Mum. 55 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,360 OK, fine, if you don't love me. My God! 56 00:03:55,361 --> 00:04:00,442 I pushed you through my super-special sphincter for nothin'. 57 00:04:00,443 --> 00:04:03,162 All right. I'm sorry, Mum. 'Course I love you. 58 00:04:04,604 --> 00:04:07,844 - That's all I wanted to hear. Off you go. - Sorry? 59 00:04:07,845 --> 00:04:12,442 Go on, then. I'm turning your room into a one-man YMCA anyway. 60 00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:29,210 Hello? 61 00:04:29,211 --> 00:04:30,530 Donna? 62 00:04:32,092 --> 00:04:33,411 Donna? 63 00:04:35,573 --> 00:04:37,643 (HIGH-PITCHED) Donna? 64 00:04:44,055 --> 00:04:46,495 - Arghh! - Arghh! 65 00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:48,695 What you doin' in there? 66 00:04:48,696 --> 00:04:50,336 (MOANS) 67 00:04:50,337 --> 00:04:52,897 Jonny, you're less attractive than ever. 68 00:04:52,898 --> 00:04:57,258 (MOANS) Gaz, you brought me some flowers. 69 00:04:57,259 --> 00:04:59,578 - That's dead kind. - No, they're for Donna. 70 00:04:59,579 --> 00:05:05,260 - I'm gonna ask her to move in with me. - Oh, Gaz. I'm so ill. 71 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,581 Where's Janet? Why isn't she here? 72 00:05:07,582 --> 00:05:11,502 She doesn't love me. I think I'm gonna die. 73 00:05:11,503 --> 00:05:15,663 - Can I have your stereo, then? - Help me. 74 00:05:15,664 --> 00:05:18,704 Are you scrumpy ill or madras ill? 75 00:05:18,705 --> 00:05:24,986 Neither. I just woke up in the night and felt like something was living in me. 76 00:05:24,987 --> 00:05:29,982 Then I started hallucinating that mould was growing on my face and I was paralysed. 77 00:05:31,028 --> 00:05:33,748 And then Kelly Brook came in, 78 00:05:33,749 --> 00:05:36,789 and she started stroking me forehead. 79 00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:38,462 Oh, yeah? 80 00:05:39,871 --> 00:05:46,192 Then she turned into Sid Waddell off the darts and did unspeakable things to my bottom! 81 00:05:46,193 --> 00:05:48,392 Listen, have you seen Donna? 82 00:05:48,393 --> 00:05:52,193 - I need some water. - Fizzy or still? 83 00:05:52,194 --> 00:05:55,394 Tap, Gaz. We're not in friggin' Surrey. 84 00:05:55,395 --> 00:05:58,388 And scrape some ice off the freezer into it. 85 00:06:00,477 --> 00:06:02,556 Oh... Oh... 86 00:06:02,557 --> 00:06:04,757 Bucket! Bucket now! 87 00:06:04,758 --> 00:06:06,989 - Oh! Er... - I'm gonna be sick. 88 00:06:09,359 --> 00:06:10,959 Go on! Go on! 89 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,951 (RETCHES) 90 00:06:22,203 --> 00:06:24,194 (GAGS) 91 00:06:25,684 --> 00:06:29,084 J-J-Jonny, there's blood in it. There's blood in it! 92 00:06:29,085 --> 00:06:31,925 Bollocks, I have to get you to hospital! 93 00:06:31,926 --> 00:06:34,838 You're gonna die, and I'll be Billy No-Mates. 94 00:06:35,887 --> 00:06:39,567 Gaz, Gaz, just relax. It's tomato ketchup. 95 00:06:39,568 --> 00:06:43,528 I had a swig of it when I was delirious. 96 00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:50,289 You have to really suck to get any, but once you do, you know your toil wasn't in vain. 97 00:06:51,331 --> 00:06:55,331 Do you want some water or some HP? 98 00:06:55,332 --> 00:07:00,053 Is there any chicken soup? That's what they give to the sick and the dying... 99 00:07:00,054 --> 00:07:02,373 and those without teeth. 100 00:07:02,374 --> 00:07:05,374 I think so. Do you want a cold compress? 101 00:07:05,375 --> 00:07:08,527 - That'd be lovely. - (MOUTHS) 102 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,900 Shouldn't you check he's all right? 103 00:07:25,901 --> 00:07:31,340 Donna, he does it all the time - jobseekers' meetings, anniversaries, bath night... 104 00:07:32,543 --> 00:07:37,063 - He's just faking. - I don't think he was faking when I left. 105 00:07:37,064 --> 00:07:39,704 He couldn't even throw up by then. Poor lad. 106 00:07:40,785 --> 00:07:43,305 He had nowt left. He was just goin'... 107 00:07:43,306 --> 00:07:45,905 (RETCHES) 108 00:07:45,906 --> 00:07:51,667 - He's faking to get out of an interview. - I just can't imagine someone doing that. 109 00:07:51,668 --> 00:07:54,428 Unless the job was pigeon de-beaker... 110 00:07:54,429 --> 00:07:57,189 or spinster scraper. 111 00:07:57,190 --> 00:08:00,550 - What's he applying for? - Post room operator. 112 00:08:00,551 --> 00:08:05,945 That's a great job. He can't be faking. You even get the undelivered mail. 113 00:08:07,513 --> 00:08:11,233 So that's where me mail-order swan went to. 114 00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:14,193 - He must have been up for worse jobs. - I suppose. 115 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:18,515 - Barman. - Said his tits weren't big enough. 116 00:08:18,516 --> 00:08:20,995 - Binman. - Ditto. 117 00:08:20,996 --> 00:08:24,316 So post room boy seems well better than that. 118 00:08:24,317 --> 00:08:28,277 OK, I'll call him. Just to make sure he's not dead, mind. 119 00:08:28,278 --> 00:08:31,396 Comatose or gangrenous, I'm havin' another pint. 120 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,118 Andy. 121 00:08:39,842 --> 00:08:41,481 (WAILS) 122 00:08:41,482 --> 00:08:44,602 All right! All right! All right! All right! 123 00:08:44,603 --> 00:08:46,799 Look. Evil Mr Shoe all gone. 124 00:08:49,204 --> 00:08:54,645 Listen, you get some sleep, and I can ask my girlfriend to live with me. 125 00:08:54,646 --> 00:08:57,320 Gaz? Will you sing to me? 126 00:08:59,007 --> 00:09:02,847 - What? - When I was little, if I was ill, 127 00:09:02,848 --> 00:09:06,848 my mum used to sing me to sleep, and I think it made me feel better. 128 00:09:06,849 --> 00:09:09,205 No! That's just too gay for words! 129 00:09:15,652 --> 00:09:19,052 - What did she sing? - Lots of things. 130 00:09:19,053 --> 00:09:21,412 She'd sometimes make them up, 131 00:09:21,413 --> 00:09:27,094 but my favourite was always the theme from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". 132 00:09:27,095 --> 00:09:31,495 - Can't remember that one. - (WEAKLY) # Heroes in a half-shell 133 00:09:31,496 --> 00:09:33,647 ♪ Turtle power! ♪ 134 00:09:35,577 --> 00:09:38,737 No, I really can't remember that one. No. 135 00:09:38,738 --> 00:09:42,658 Well, what about "Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds"? 136 00:09:42,659 --> 00:09:45,579 I can't believe Dogtanian turned out to be a girl. 137 00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:49,340 He was gonna shag that cat queen. She was fit. 138 00:09:49,341 --> 00:09:52,221 Did any of this happen or are you delirious? 139 00:09:52,222 --> 00:09:57,543 No, it did happen. What were you doing while the rest of us was watching TV? 140 00:09:57,544 --> 00:10:01,064 I was just climbing trees and scrumping for apples. 141 00:10:01,065 --> 00:10:04,785 Jesus, Gaz, did you grow up in the '40s? 142 00:10:04,786 --> 00:10:07,254 Seein' as your ill, I'll let that go. 143 00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:12,787 All right, what about the theme music from "The Tweenies"? 144 00:10:12,788 --> 00:10:15,588 Your mum couldn't have sang that. It weren't invented! 145 00:10:15,589 --> 00:10:19,789 I know. I just really like the song. 146 00:10:19,790 --> 00:10:22,305 (WHIMPERS) Please? 147 00:10:30,953 --> 00:10:35,186 ♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play? 148 00:10:36,475 --> 00:10:39,114 ♪ Come along and play with the Tweenies 149 00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:46,997 ♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play? 150 00:10:46,998 --> 00:10:50,838 ♪ So come along and play with the Tweenies 151 00:10:50,839 --> 00:10:53,959 ♪ You can play with us, play games with us 152 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,960 ♪ You can run about and scream and shout 153 00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:01,477 ♪ Every day, hey ♪ 154 00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:11,364 And you'll be a vegetarian dog, and you're going to be nice to old people 155 00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:13,401 and you won't poo indoors. 156 00:11:15,246 --> 00:11:20,086 And you'll have a built-in sunroof and CD system. 157 00:11:20,087 --> 00:11:23,887 Oh, sorry, Chesney. That's just the new car that I want. 158 00:11:23,888 --> 00:11:29,089 Oh, my God! What have you done?! Go on! Clear it up! 159 00:11:33,451 --> 00:11:35,806 Hi, Donna. Look what I bought. 160 00:11:39,613 --> 00:11:41,932 It's a rat, Louise. 161 00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:45,813 He's a dog, actually. I got him today. 162 00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:49,334 Did you win him in the small ugly dog raffle? 163 00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:52,615 His name's Chesney. Say hello, Chesney. 164 00:11:52,616 --> 00:11:55,689 (SILLY VOICE) Hello, Donna. I'm your new friend. 165 00:11:57,178 --> 00:12:00,177 Well, that's amazing. It's a talking dog. 166 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,858 I saw him in the pet shop window. 167 00:12:02,859 --> 00:12:08,540 He looked so lonely sat there with just six or seven siblings for company. 168 00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:13,461 - I just had to have him. - How will you look after him? 169 00:12:13,462 --> 00:12:16,582 I'll find dogsitters. Loads of people love puppies. 170 00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:19,383 They're no trouble and hardly eat a thing. 171 00:12:19,384 --> 00:12:23,219 Who would think they could poo so much? Look! 172 00:12:27,066 --> 00:12:30,186 Are you hanging onto that for a reason? 173 00:12:30,187 --> 00:12:35,182 Yes, Donna, I'm going spread it on Ryvita. God, you're so stupid sometimes. 174 00:12:36,509 --> 00:12:41,349 I'm just being a conscientious dog owner. I don't like getting covered in poo. 175 00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:43,990 I can't think of anyone who would. 176 00:12:43,991 --> 00:12:47,551 Except those German students I met in Bootle. 177 00:12:47,552 --> 00:12:52,149 - Yeah, it's better to put it in your pocket. - I couldn't find a bin. 178 00:12:53,313 --> 00:12:56,433 'Ere y'are, stick it in Janet's bag. 179 00:12:56,434 --> 00:13:00,274 I can't. She'd kill me. 180 00:13:00,275 --> 00:13:02,835 Or worse, she'd kill Chesney. 181 00:13:02,836 --> 00:13:06,996 - She wouldn't know it was you. - I'm the only one with a dog. 182 00:13:06,997 --> 00:13:10,477 It'd either be me or she goes to one twisted grocer. 183 00:13:10,478 --> 00:13:12,868 Just do it. Go on. 184 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:19,879 That was fun! 185 00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:24,321 (JANET GIGGLES) 186 00:13:24,322 --> 00:13:26,762 - Oh, my God! Look! - What? 187 00:13:26,763 --> 00:13:30,363 Janet is actually talking to a man who isn't wearing Crimplene. 188 00:13:30,364 --> 00:13:33,124 No, that's Andy, her ex-boyfriend. 189 00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:35,604 - Why did he dump her? - She dumped him. 190 00:13:35,605 --> 00:13:37,965 - Why? - She fell in love with Jonny. 191 00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:43,126 - Why? - And he was too big down there. 192 00:13:43,127 --> 00:13:46,527 - Why? - Well, it was doomed from the beginning, 193 00:13:46,528 --> 00:13:49,888 with him being so rich, with that flash car. 194 00:13:49,889 --> 00:13:53,049 Do you think he could love me? 195 00:13:53,050 --> 00:13:58,451 I don't think so. He's been hung up on Janet ever since. Not that she notices. 196 00:13:58,452 --> 00:14:00,091 (GIGGLES) 197 00:14:00,092 --> 00:14:02,532 - Jonny's ill. - I'm sorry to hear that. 198 00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:06,773 - Nothing serious, I hope. Nothing deadly? - I think it's flu. (GIGGLES) 199 00:14:06,774 --> 00:14:09,654 Shame. Tell me if he does pop his clogs. 200 00:14:09,655 --> 00:14:12,895 I'll be straight over with some powerful aphrodisiacs. 201 00:14:12,896 --> 00:14:15,736 - We can always hope. - Beg your pardon? 202 00:14:15,737 --> 00:14:19,737 - Nothing. Erm... I better get back to Donna. - Donna's here? 203 00:14:19,738 --> 00:14:23,498 I've not seen her for weeks. I'll just say hello. 204 00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:28,179 - He's coming over. - I told you he loved me. It's the dog. 205 00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:31,860 - Donna, hiya. How are you? - Hello, Andy! 206 00:14:31,861 --> 00:14:35,821 - I don't think we've met. - Louise. I'm the educated one. 207 00:14:35,822 --> 00:14:39,422 I have a dog, so I don't have a commitment problem. 208 00:14:39,423 --> 00:14:43,744 Good for you. That's the most too-much-information greeting ever. 209 00:14:43,745 --> 00:14:48,105 I've moved into Janet and Jonny's till I find me own place. 210 00:14:48,106 --> 00:14:51,706 Wish I'd thought of that. You all sharing the same bed? 211 00:14:51,707 --> 00:14:55,227 - (ALL GIGGLE) - Andy, you're terrible! 212 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,788 But loveable with it, I might add. 213 00:14:57,789 --> 00:15:02,029 Well, thanks, Louise, but I've only got eyes for one woman. 214 00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:05,830 It's that flippin' Nigella Lawson, isn't it? 215 00:15:05,831 --> 00:15:09,671 No, Louise, it's not. She's sat not too far away now. 216 00:15:09,672 --> 00:15:14,592 - Oh. Janet. She's got a boyfriend, you know? - Painfully aware of that. 217 00:15:14,593 --> 00:15:17,193 - You've got a boyfriend, you know? - I know. 218 00:15:17,194 --> 00:15:19,714 And so have you, Donna. 219 00:15:19,715 --> 00:15:22,875 I'm the only one with no baggage, really. 220 00:15:22,876 --> 00:15:26,076 Apart from years of student debt building higher and higher. 221 00:15:26,077 --> 00:15:28,876 Donna, nobody pays those back. 222 00:15:28,877 --> 00:15:33,558 If you move three times, they can't catch you. It's like your telly license. 223 00:15:33,559 --> 00:15:38,479 Oh, God. I have to take a book back to the library. 224 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,960 - See you later. - And then I'll be at home. 225 00:15:42,961 --> 00:15:46,641 Home - Number 12 Nesbith Avenue, 226 00:15:46,642 --> 00:15:52,241 which is my home, and my parents will be out, and there'll be lots of vodka. 227 00:15:55,725 --> 00:15:59,719 - It's nice of you to be friends with her. - Urgh! What's that?! 228 00:16:00,846 --> 00:16:03,606 God, it's Louise's dog. She just bought him. 229 00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:08,007 - What's she left it here for? Go after her. - Why me? 230 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:11,208 - Because you're the closest. - To what? 231 00:16:11,209 --> 00:16:16,170 - To heaven, my child. Just do it. - How was Jonny when you phoned? 232 00:16:16,171 --> 00:16:18,931 What? Oops. 233 00:16:18,932 --> 00:16:21,931 I was heading out to the phone, then poof! 234 00:16:21,932 --> 00:16:24,128 Yeah, can't argue with "poof!" 235 00:16:25,653 --> 00:16:31,334 Right. Fine. I'll go. I'll check on your boyfriend as well, shall I? 236 00:16:31,335 --> 00:16:33,292 Cheers. 237 00:16:35,736 --> 00:16:37,853 Now everybody's happy. 238 00:16:40,218 --> 00:16:42,377 Where's Janet with some medicine? 239 00:16:42,378 --> 00:16:44,658 I don't know. She's not phoned. 240 00:16:44,659 --> 00:16:47,579 I'm getting worried about Donna, so I'll get off. 241 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:51,500 Just five more minutes. I could die, then it'd be your fault, 242 00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:55,581 and you'd feel so guilty you'd kill yourself and Janet and Donna, too. 243 00:16:55,582 --> 00:17:00,422 Then my ghost'd feel guilty and I wouldn't get into Heaven and meet Jimmy Savile. 244 00:17:00,423 --> 00:17:02,263 He's not dead. 245 00:17:02,264 --> 00:17:06,824 - I know, but it can't be long. - Why do you want to meet him? 246 00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:11,065 I wrote to "Jim'll Fix It" asking to be a horse. 247 00:17:11,066 --> 00:17:14,582 They never replied, and I want to know why, damn it! 248 00:17:16,348 --> 00:17:20,468 Donna! What's that? If you can't eat it, keep it away from me. 249 00:17:20,469 --> 00:17:26,190 Come here. Oh, hello, you little coochy, poochy, cuddle, snuggle... 250 00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:29,991 - How did you find him? - Louise left him in the pub. 251 00:17:29,992 --> 00:17:33,190 It's a he. He can slime you with his lipstick. 252 00:17:34,273 --> 00:17:37,793 He wouldn't do that to his Uncle Jonny. What's his name? 253 00:17:37,794 --> 00:17:41,234 - Chesney. - Chesney loves his Uncle Jonny. 254 00:17:41,235 --> 00:17:44,115 Chesney makes Uncle Jonny feel better. 255 00:17:44,116 --> 00:17:47,195 - I want to talk to you. - We can't leave him. 256 00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,950 - Where's Janet? - She's in the pub with... 257 00:17:51,038 --> 00:17:54,030 - With who? - She's in the pub with frostbite. 258 00:17:55,039 --> 00:17:57,198 She's got frostbite? 259 00:17:57,199 --> 00:18:01,119 Listen, stay with Jonny. I'll get Janet. There's summat I need you to do. 260 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:05,681 I did that in the car park of the Red Lion not 20 hours ago. 261 00:18:05,682 --> 00:18:08,562 Not that. Stay here. I'll be back in two shakes. 262 00:18:08,563 --> 00:18:13,163 - I'll go. Will you be all right? - No, I'm dyin'. Bring me my blankie. 263 00:18:13,164 --> 00:18:16,760 I've got to go after Gaz... You have a blankie? 264 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:21,085 No. I didn't say blankie, I said... 265 00:18:22,526 --> 00:18:23,846 ...whip. 266 00:18:24,927 --> 00:18:27,687 - Right. - No, don't leave me. 267 00:18:27,688 --> 00:18:30,928 I could die, and you'd feel so guilty. 268 00:18:30,929 --> 00:18:33,204 What would little Chesney say? 269 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,721 (MUSIC PLAYS) 270 00:18:40,892 --> 00:18:43,171 (SCREAMS) 271 00:18:43,172 --> 00:18:45,448 (BRAKES SCREECH) 272 00:18:47,013 --> 00:18:50,213 What do you think you're doin', you... big Greek?! 273 00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:53,814 I've lost Chesney. I think I left him on the bus. 274 00:18:53,815 --> 00:18:58,096 And you know bus drivers sell dogs as slaves to celebrities. 275 00:18:58,097 --> 00:19:01,136 Haven't you seen the fear in Harry Halliwell's eyes? 276 00:19:01,137 --> 00:19:04,097 Chesney's with Jonny. You left him in the pub. 277 00:19:04,098 --> 00:19:08,578 - I'll give you a lift, you stupid bimbo. - OK. 278 00:19:08,579 --> 00:19:13,660 - You can go, Andy. I'll be fine. - I can't leave you in the rain on your own. 279 00:19:13,661 --> 00:19:15,821 Andy, it's not raining. 280 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,892 It is in my heart. 281 00:19:19,503 --> 00:19:23,743 Honestly, my taxi'll be here in a sec. You don't have to wait. 282 00:19:23,744 --> 00:19:26,384 It were really nice seeing you tonight. 283 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:31,385 - Listen, Janet... - Look, I've heard that line before. 284 00:19:31,386 --> 00:19:33,377 I'm just gonna go... 285 00:19:36,907 --> 00:19:39,107 Oh, my friggin' giddy aunt! 286 00:19:39,108 --> 00:19:41,948 What?! Is it my hair? 287 00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:43,746 Look! 288 00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:49,870 - Janet! - I'm not Janet! I'm her twin sister, Colin! 289 00:19:49,871 --> 00:19:52,791 - Who's this? - I no know. He no speak English. 290 00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,832 I'm Andy. Who's he? You carryin' on with three of us? 291 00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:58,593 Although I could live with that if I got Tuesdays. 292 00:19:58,594 --> 00:20:02,714 What are you doin'?! What happened to loyalty? What about Jonny? 293 00:20:02,715 --> 00:20:07,744 I suppose I'll have to sort it. I don't know who you are, but you better sling your... 294 00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:13,517 Oh, you want it, do you? OK. 295 00:20:13,518 --> 00:20:16,998 - Come on, then! - No! Neither of you is worth it! 296 00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:20,239 - 'Ere, is that your van? - Yeah, loser. Why, loser? 297 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,840 - There's a child pissing on it. - What? 298 00:20:23,841 --> 00:20:27,441 - Twat! - Gaz, are you OK? Did he hit you hard? 299 00:20:27,442 --> 00:20:30,882 - Is Andy harder than you? - What are you playin' at? 300 00:20:30,883 --> 00:20:34,083 - I better find Andy. He forgot his car. - Which one's his? 301 00:20:34,084 --> 00:20:37,604 - The Lexus. Why? - Because I've got a full bladder. 302 00:20:37,605 --> 00:20:40,845 God, you still speak like that even when you're angry? 303 00:20:40,846 --> 00:20:43,045 - Get in the van! Go on! - All right! 304 00:20:43,046 --> 00:20:46,084 You slutty... slutster! Get in! 305 00:20:57,050 --> 00:20:58,848 (SNIFFS) 306 00:21:00,211 --> 00:21:02,731 What's that smell? 307 00:21:02,732 --> 00:21:04,484 It's gorgeous. 308 00:21:06,013 --> 00:21:10,853 - It's dog poo, Jonny. - Makes you hungry, don't it? 309 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:13,085 No, not in the slightest. 310 00:21:14,615 --> 00:21:18,375 I wish Janet'd come home. She'd look after me properly. 311 00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:22,848 I bet she knows the theme music to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". 312 00:21:24,178 --> 00:21:27,138 - Oh, Janet. - Jonny. 313 00:21:27,139 --> 00:21:31,019 - How are you? Feeling any better? - Like you care. 314 00:21:31,020 --> 00:21:36,660 Well, yeah, a bit better, but I could do with some medicine. Did you bring any? 315 00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:41,262 Yes. Yes. 'Course I did. Erm... Let's have a look. 316 00:21:41,263 --> 00:21:45,943 I got you some mints for indigestion. 317 00:21:45,944 --> 00:21:49,301 And there's a lip balm for chafing. 318 00:21:50,825 --> 00:21:53,135 And a bus timetable. 319 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,106 And, er... what else? Ooh... 320 00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:59,668 Urrgh! What's that?! 321 00:22:00,988 --> 00:22:03,828 Who's put dog shit in my bag? 322 00:22:03,829 --> 00:22:07,789 Oh, Janet. You've brought me dog poo. 323 00:22:07,790 --> 00:22:12,110 That's dead kind, but we've already got loads here. 324 00:22:12,111 --> 00:22:15,871 Oh, my God! Louise, your dog's wrecked our house! 325 00:22:15,872 --> 00:22:21,473 I know. You're so irresponsible. Real dog owners clean up after their pets. 326 00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:25,434 - You're not sensible enough for a dog. - I'm cold. 327 00:22:25,435 --> 00:22:28,395 - Where is Chesney? - So, so cold. 328 00:22:28,396 --> 00:22:30,716 Probably 'cause the door's open. 329 00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:32,956 Chesney! 330 00:22:32,957 --> 00:22:36,117 Oh, God! Shall we help her look for it? 331 00:22:36,118 --> 00:22:40,158 - Yeah, I can talk to you properly. - Gaz! Let me tell him. 332 00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:43,516 It's got nothing to do with you, you skanky skankbag. 333 00:22:44,841 --> 00:22:47,320 - What is it? - It's private. 334 00:22:47,321 --> 00:22:52,113 If you've given me the clap, I'll have your guts for garters. 335 00:22:58,124 --> 00:23:00,844 - You stink of beer. - I only popped in for... 336 00:23:00,845 --> 00:23:03,925 It's all right. I like it. 337 00:23:03,926 --> 00:23:08,366 Especially with eau de dog cronk hangin' in the air. 338 00:23:08,367 --> 00:23:11,047 What's Gaz gonna say to Donna? 339 00:23:11,048 --> 00:23:14,608 He's gonna ask her to live with him in his flat. 340 00:23:14,609 --> 00:23:18,159 - I think he wants what we've got. - Yeah? 341 00:23:19,330 --> 00:23:23,290 Come here and give us a kiss. I missed you. 342 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:29,405 I detect a hint of honey-roasted peanut. 343 00:23:32,254 --> 00:23:34,246 And the aroma of ashtray. 344 00:23:36,335 --> 00:23:39,255 With a dash of CK One. 345 00:23:39,256 --> 00:23:44,456 Yeah? So? You smell of sick! CK One is for a man or a woman. So? 346 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:48,738 - Janet, are you feeling ill? - My stomach feels knotty. 347 00:23:48,739 --> 00:23:54,979 God, that's how mine started. You lie down. I'll get you some chicken soup for the soul. 348 00:23:54,980 --> 00:24:00,579 - There's nothing wrong with my soul. - Shh! You feel hot. Jonny make it better. 349 00:24:02,423 --> 00:24:04,662 What's it like living with them two? 350 00:24:04,663 --> 00:24:08,983 Well, we take drugs, and me and Janet lez up for Jonny's pleasure. 351 00:24:08,984 --> 00:24:11,904 - I thought so. - It's awful, Gaz. 352 00:24:11,905 --> 00:24:16,906 I have to sleep on a pile of coats. They were just there when they moved in. 353 00:24:16,907 --> 00:24:19,666 - And they smell funny. - Janet and Jonny? I know. 354 00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:22,347 - Not them. The coats. - Oh. 355 00:24:22,348 --> 00:24:26,868 I can't move around too much in case an old poo falls out. 356 00:24:26,869 --> 00:24:29,789 - Are you eating properly? - They don't even have meals, 357 00:24:29,790 --> 00:24:34,422 just beans and spaghetti that they keep in the fridge and take a bit as and when. 358 00:24:35,472 --> 00:24:37,269 Genius. 359 00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:45,154 I really don't know what I'm gonna do. 360 00:24:45,155 --> 00:24:48,715 - Well, you could live with me. - We talked about this. 361 00:24:48,716 --> 00:24:52,356 You like your independence and your nudie posters too much. 362 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:56,437 No, really, I want you to. It's cheap where I live, innit? 363 00:24:56,438 --> 00:24:59,558 - Yes. - It'd be half as cheap again. 364 00:24:59,559 --> 00:25:01,758 - True. - And it's a bit of a mess. 365 00:25:01,759 --> 00:25:05,599 - Yes. - And you're a girl. What do girls do? 366 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,240 Clean! 367 00:25:08,241 --> 00:25:11,921 Appreciating your honesty and trying not to gouge your eye out. 368 00:25:11,922 --> 00:25:15,202 - Get this. This is a belter. - Not gonna say you love me? 369 00:25:15,203 --> 00:25:17,363 No. Jesus. No, no. 370 00:25:17,364 --> 00:25:21,164 Listen. I can't iron, and you can't fix things. 371 00:25:21,165 --> 00:25:24,565 - Yes... - Together we could do anything. We... 372 00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:26,965 We could fix and iron, couldn't we? 373 00:25:26,966 --> 00:25:29,646 - So this is a business arrangement? - Absolutely. 374 00:25:29,647 --> 00:25:33,167 And you get a sex monster to boot. Come on. 375 00:25:33,168 --> 00:25:37,208 It's... Go on, then. You're on. When do you want me? 376 00:25:37,209 --> 00:25:40,089 - Tomorrow'd be wicked. - Is that your day off? 377 00:25:40,090 --> 00:25:44,323 No, I've got a shirt I want to wear on Saturday. It's as creased as a testicle. 378 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:54,133 ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 379 00:25:54,134 --> 00:25:56,854 ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 380 00:25:56,855 --> 00:25:59,615 ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 381 00:25:59,616 --> 00:26:01,455 ♪ Heroes in a half-shell 382 00:26:01,456 --> 00:26:03,607 ♪ Turtle power! ♪ 383 00:26:05,017 --> 00:26:08,617 - You needn't have. - Would you prefer "Dogtanian"? 384 00:26:08,618 --> 00:26:10,778 ♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof 385 00:26:10,779 --> 00:26:12,778 ♪ Muskahounds are always ready 386 00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:14,739 ♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof 387 00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:16,936 ♪ Helping everybody... ♪ 388 00:26:18,101 --> 00:26:22,541 That's all I know of that one. "Mysterious Cities of Gold" on the other hand... 389 00:26:22,542 --> 00:26:25,222 ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah! 390 00:26:25,223 --> 00:26:30,944 ♪ Some day we will find the cities of gold 391 00:26:30,945 --> 00:26:33,344 - # Ah... # - Jonny? 392 00:26:33,345 --> 00:26:36,985 - I need to talk to you - Don't. I tried with Gaz. 393 00:26:36,986 --> 00:26:40,066 It just came out a load of purple bile. 394 00:26:40,067 --> 00:26:44,627 You just lie there. Your wish is my command, Princess Janetina. 395 00:26:44,628 --> 00:26:46,426 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 396 00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:53,622 Oh! Oh, Jonny! It's awful! 397 00:26:54,751 --> 00:26:57,631 - What's up? Have you been attacked? - No. 398 00:26:57,632 --> 00:27:02,192 You know those lorries that go past on the way to the factory? 399 00:27:02,193 --> 00:27:03,673 Yeah. 400 00:27:03,674 --> 00:27:05,793 Look. 401 00:27:05,794 --> 00:27:07,592 Chesney. 402 00:27:13,357 --> 00:27:16,837 He looks like a hand muff. 403 00:27:16,838 --> 00:27:20,918 I need to bury him in a proper ceremony. 404 00:27:20,919 --> 00:27:24,439 Don't worry. I've got a shovel and a doggy prayer book. 405 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,840 - Jonny... - You'll be OK. You've got chicken soup. 406 00:27:28,841 --> 00:27:31,201 I really need to talk to you. 407 00:27:31,202 --> 00:27:36,482 Burying my dog is more important than you being unfaithful to Jonny. 408 00:27:36,483 --> 00:27:39,083 She's right. Let's take care of this first. 409 00:27:39,084 --> 00:27:41,075 Turtle power, Janet. 410 00:27:56,529 --> 00:27:59,889 (SOBS) I can't do this any more. You're being 'orrible! 411 00:27:59,890 --> 00:28:04,601 If you won't talk to me, I'm leavin' to find someone who will! 412 00:28:06,131 --> 00:28:08,566 You have nice breasts. 413 00:28:17,815 --> 00:28:19,534 Ooh! 414 00:28:19,535 --> 00:28:22,175 Hi, Gaz. Is your missus home? 415 00:28:22,176 --> 00:28:23,575 Louise. 34090

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.