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1
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♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
2
00:00:08,015 --> 00:00:11,405
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
3
00:00:13,735 --> 00:00:18,094
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
4
00:00:18,095 --> 00:00:19,894
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
5
00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:23,205
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
6
00:00:24,335 --> 00:00:26,929
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
7
00:00:31,535 --> 00:00:35,323
(WHISPERS) Janet? Janet?
8
00:00:41,055 --> 00:00:42,852
Janet?
9
00:00:50,335 --> 00:00:52,326
(RUSTLING)
10
00:00:56,415 --> 00:00:58,007
Janet!
11
00:01:04,495 --> 00:01:07,646
Why is that tree attacking our house?
12
00:01:13,775 --> 00:01:16,767
Janet! Janet!
13
00:01:18,175 --> 00:01:20,534
(GLASS SMASHES)
14
00:01:20,535 --> 00:01:23,134
That's Donna.
15
00:01:23,135 --> 00:01:25,968
- You think we should approach her?
- Well...
16
00:01:29,535 --> 00:01:31,730
(BOTH YELL IN SURPRISE)
17
00:01:36,615 --> 00:01:38,294
Gaz!
18
00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:39,694
Gaz!
19
00:01:42,815 --> 00:01:47,786
What's the matter? Why've you been crying?
Why was Gaz running down the road naked?
20
00:01:47,788 --> 00:01:52,547
- Why didn't I get a proper look?
- God, Janet. It's awful.
21
00:01:52,548 --> 00:01:54,539
You better come in.
22
00:01:55,828 --> 00:01:58,467
(JONNY) Gaz! Gaz!
23
00:01:58,468 --> 00:02:01,067
Gaz, will you stop?
24
00:02:01,068 --> 00:02:04,503
Gaz, what's wrong?
What's the matter with you?
25
00:02:04,505 --> 00:02:09,304
Gaz! Will you cover yourself up?
You'll get frostbite in your nipples.
26
00:02:09,305 --> 00:02:12,344
They'll drop off
and you'll look like Action Man.
27
00:02:12,345 --> 00:02:16,184
- What's wrong?
- You know how Janet isn't pregnant?
28
00:02:16,185 --> 00:02:20,304
Yeah. I'm happy, but I don't
run around in me undercrackers.
29
00:02:20,305 --> 00:02:23,944
- I just found out the opposite.
- Janet IS pregnant?
30
00:02:23,945 --> 00:02:28,824
- No, Donna is.
- Well, that's not the opposite.
31
00:02:28,825 --> 00:02:34,024
- Did you not hear what I said?
- I know, Donna's pregnant, but...
32
00:02:34,025 --> 00:02:36,016
Oh, bugger.
33
00:02:38,785 --> 00:02:41,253
There you go. A cup of tea'll sort you out.
34
00:02:42,385 --> 00:02:47,024
- Janet, I'm in serious trouble.
- Why? You been caught shoplifting?
35
00:02:47,025 --> 00:02:50,184
That was years ago, and it was only a prawn.
36
00:02:50,185 --> 00:02:53,575
What, then? You're not pregnant, are you?
37
00:02:55,265 --> 00:02:57,256
Bingo.
38
00:02:58,665 --> 00:03:00,656
Oh, bugger.
39
00:03:07,465 --> 00:03:10,024
She's definitely pregnant?
40
00:03:10,025 --> 00:03:13,704
I think so. She's definitely hinting at it.
41
00:03:13,705 --> 00:03:18,540
Well... maybe she's faking it
to get you to marry her.
42
00:03:25,385 --> 00:03:30,944
Oh, right. And when it's due,
she just takes a dump on the delivery table.
43
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:34,264
"Sorry. It appears Mr Kipling's the father."
44
00:03:34,265 --> 00:03:36,460
She could hide her periods from you.
45
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,744
Where's she gonna hide
her periods? In the fridge?
46
00:03:40,745 --> 00:03:44,344
That's one black pudding
you don't want to come across.
47
00:03:44,345 --> 00:03:48,864
She could just wear really big pants -
gigantapants.
48
00:03:48,865 --> 00:03:52,699
- I should start marketing them.
- What are you talking about?!
49
00:03:54,185 --> 00:03:59,464
Well, I'm just thinking,
if Janet really was pregnant, I'd have to...
50
00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:02,504
Stop sponging off society like a skanky whore?
51
00:04:02,505 --> 00:04:05,784
I was gonna say "get a job", but that covers it.
52
00:04:05,785 --> 00:04:08,544
You haven't got any qualifications.
53
00:04:08,545 --> 00:04:12,094
I have a degree in fun
and a masters in hellraising.
54
00:04:13,305 --> 00:04:17,344
- Friggin' fool.
- Your girlfriend's up the duff. Nerr!
55
00:04:18,945 --> 00:04:21,784
- What is a duff?
- I'm not sure.
56
00:04:21,785 --> 00:04:25,784
I think it's a cross between a puff and a duck.
57
00:04:25,785 --> 00:04:28,224
Like a gay mallard.
58
00:04:28,225 --> 00:04:31,501
"Up the gay mallard"
doesn't have the same ring.
59
00:04:32,625 --> 00:04:36,144
- You have to talk to Gaz.
- Have you tried?
60
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:39,824
It's just grunting and farting,
then he falls asleep.
61
00:04:39,825 --> 00:04:43,144
Just sounds like sex to me.
62
00:04:43,145 --> 00:04:46,184
That's just it. We never got round to talking.
63
00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:49,384
- What do you use? Semaphore?
- No.
64
00:04:49,385 --> 00:04:52,464
I go to his flat, and we do it.
65
00:04:52,465 --> 00:04:57,224
I have a cheese barm,
he cleans up the cream, and I go home.
66
00:04:57,225 --> 00:05:00,304
- So all you do is have sex?
- Yeah.
67
00:05:00,305 --> 00:05:02,904
- He does all the cleaning?
- Yeah.
68
00:05:02,905 --> 00:05:06,384
- You don't have to watch football.
- He insists I don't.
69
00:05:06,385 --> 00:05:08,421
You lucky wanker!
70
00:05:15,025 --> 00:05:17,459
Rock me, Amadeus!
71
00:05:32,905 --> 00:05:35,064
(BOTH YELL)
72
00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:40,744
Get off me, man! Am I that irresistible?
Free me from this web of beauty!
73
00:05:40,745 --> 00:05:44,944
- You were cuddling me!
- Your hair smells like macadamia nuts.
74
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,144
- It's very inviting.
- Gaz!
75
00:05:47,145 --> 00:05:49,984
You're very cuddly. Like a bear. You are.
76
00:05:49,985 --> 00:05:55,184
All right, a big heterosexual bear
with teeth and claws... and a moustache.
77
00:05:55,185 --> 00:05:57,864
Gaz! Let's forget this ever happened.
78
00:05:57,865 --> 00:06:02,824
We aren't confused. We've both got girlfriends.
It was a sleepy accident.
79
00:06:02,825 --> 00:06:06,384
- Right, OK... sweetie.
- Get off!
80
00:06:06,385 --> 00:06:11,144
I say we've both got girlfriends.
Yours has run away, 'cause you're a big baby.
81
00:06:11,145 --> 00:06:14,544
- Well, you haven't got a job.
- I'm gonna get one.
82
00:06:14,545 --> 00:06:19,064
- Where?
- I need something physical yet creative.
83
00:06:19,065 --> 00:06:22,944
Challenging yet... bootilicious.
84
00:06:24,265 --> 00:06:26,704
You're gonna strip, aren't you?
85
00:06:26,705 --> 00:06:31,024
You won't get a job. You love "Kilroy"
and "Watercolour Challenge" too much.
86
00:06:31,025 --> 00:06:37,304
Well, you won't phone Donna 'cause you
like being a cowardy custard too much.
87
00:06:37,305 --> 00:06:41,464
- You think I should phone her?
- When I thought Janet was pregnant,
88
00:06:41,465 --> 00:06:43,740
I ignored it, and it went away.
89
00:06:46,065 --> 00:06:51,304
- That's a good rule for most problems.
- It sounds good to me.
90
00:06:51,305 --> 00:06:54,944
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- It's Donna!
91
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:58,142
Hide me, Jonny! Hide me, man!
92
00:07:01,225 --> 00:07:04,183
- Get in there.
- Don't be stupid, man!
93
00:07:07,065 --> 00:07:10,904
I can't have this baby.
It's gonna ruin my life forever.
94
00:07:10,905 --> 00:07:13,704
Think of the benefits of having a baby.
95
00:07:13,705 --> 00:07:16,664
I have.
Love and satisfaction and pride, even.
96
00:07:16,665 --> 00:07:20,384
No, the benefits. Child benefit,
family credit, housing benefit...
97
00:07:20,385 --> 00:07:23,144
- It's just waiting for you.
- That's just wrong.
98
00:07:23,145 --> 00:07:27,144
Everybody does it.
We've given plenty to our country.
99
00:07:27,145 --> 00:07:30,104
Do you know what the tax is on fags and beer?
100
00:07:30,105 --> 00:07:34,464
- I'll have to talk to me mum.
- There's a council house in it.
101
00:07:34,465 --> 00:07:40,024
You can get an inside bog with twins.
Different fathers and the sky's the limit.
102
00:07:40,025 --> 00:07:42,493
Very nice. See you later.
103
00:07:49,185 --> 00:07:51,744
Gaz! I know you're in there.
104
00:07:51,745 --> 00:07:54,896
Your pheromones are interfering with me.
105
00:07:56,905 --> 00:07:58,896
(YELPS)
106
00:08:00,585 --> 00:08:02,864
- All right, Louise?
- Hello, Jonny.
107
00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:05,015
Hand, please.
108
00:08:08,025 --> 00:08:10,704
(GASPS) The poverty!
109
00:08:10,705 --> 00:08:12,944
What do you want, Louise?
110
00:08:12,945 --> 00:08:15,864
I came to see Donna. Is she here?
111
00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:19,824
- No, she's not.
- Oh, you'll do, then.
112
00:08:19,825 --> 00:08:25,184
I had this weird dream last night
that Donna had a baby and...
113
00:08:25,185 --> 00:08:27,024
What?
114
00:08:27,025 --> 00:08:30,424
You're psychic! Oh, my God. This is amazing!
115
00:08:30,425 --> 00:08:34,344
Man, that's well scary.
Wait. Wait. The baby was cute, wasn't it?
116
00:08:34,345 --> 00:08:37,744
It had the head of a walrus.
117
00:08:37,745 --> 00:08:41,984
So it's not mine. Donna's doing it
with marine life behind my back.
118
00:08:41,985 --> 00:08:46,784
This has happened before.
I always knew my gift would return.
119
00:08:46,785 --> 00:08:51,864
Ever since I was 13
and I dreamed I saw cornflakes and milk,
120
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,902
and there was
an overpowering smell of ammonia.
121
00:08:57,345 --> 00:09:01,144
- So?
- Well, the next morning I awoke,
122
00:09:01,145 --> 00:09:06,744
drifted down for breakfast,
and on the table was cornflakes...
123
00:09:06,745 --> 00:09:09,904
and guess what else?
124
00:09:09,905 --> 00:09:14,664
- Kriss Akabusi?
- No. Milk!
125
00:09:14,665 --> 00:09:19,264
- What about the smell of ammonia?
- Oh, my great aunt was visiting.
126
00:09:19,265 --> 00:09:22,860
She's always pissing herself. Such a character!
127
00:09:31,265 --> 00:09:35,544
- Well, you've really done it this time.
- I know I've failed you.
128
00:09:35,545 --> 00:09:39,743
No, I mean you've really done it.
I thought you were a virgin! Well done!
129
00:09:40,825 --> 00:09:43,064
Mum!
130
00:09:43,065 --> 00:09:45,344
I bet he's into S & M.
131
00:09:45,345 --> 00:09:51,224
I could lend you my rubber catsuit.
You'd just have to disinfect it first.
132
00:09:51,225 --> 00:09:54,544
Did you not hear what I said? I'm pregnant.
133
00:09:54,545 --> 00:09:59,184
Did you not hear what I said.
It's rubber. It'll stretch.
134
00:09:59,185 --> 00:10:03,781
This is deadly serious.
I need you to be there for me.
135
00:10:06,345 --> 00:10:09,744
- What do you think of my hair?
- Mum.
136
00:10:09,745 --> 00:10:13,215
All right. It is lovely, though, in't it?
137
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:18,184
Right... Do you know your due date?
138
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:23,104
- I've not seen the doctor yet.
- You need it for when your waters break.
139
00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:28,744
- Really?
- That Wimpy's still got a slippery floor.
140
00:10:28,745 --> 00:10:30,824
Urgh, Mum!
141
00:10:30,825 --> 00:10:33,784
Bit of advice. Never trust the salad bar.
142
00:10:33,785 --> 00:10:37,778
They may have a sneeze-guard,
but it's no match for embryotic fluid.
143
00:10:41,985 --> 00:10:43,782
Ooh-ooh!
144
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,624
(BOTH) Ooh-ooh!
145
00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:50,014
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
146
00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:54,904
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
147
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:57,703
- (GASPS)
- Ooh, 'ere y'are!
148
00:10:59,585 --> 00:11:02,344
- Hiya.
- Hiya. Shh!
149
00:11:02,345 --> 00:11:06,024
What you all doing?
Gaz, why aren't you with Donna?
150
00:11:06,025 --> 00:11:10,576
I had to come here. Quick.
Louise, do it again. This is amazing.
151
00:11:13,145 --> 00:11:16,104
- Oh, God, is she gonna dance?
- Just watch.
152
00:11:16,105 --> 00:11:19,893
Last night I dreamed that Donna was pregnant.
153
00:11:21,185 --> 00:11:26,384
- Oh, my God! How'd you know that?
- I'm psychic. I often suspected I was,
154
00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:30,503
ever since an old gypsy woman
said that I was gifted.
155
00:11:32,185 --> 00:11:38,544
That was my nan. She didn't say
you were gifted. She said you were a git.
156
00:11:38,545 --> 00:11:42,224
She is psychic!
Predict next week's lottery numbers.
157
00:11:42,225 --> 00:11:46,624
- I bet she can.
- That's one thing us psychics cannot do.
158
00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:52,744
- Why's that, then?
- Because it's 14 million-to-one odds!
159
00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,944
I'll prove it.
160
00:11:54,945 --> 00:11:57,778
Louise, tell me what I'm thinking.
161
00:12:02,825 --> 00:12:05,384
- You dirty Gerty!
- See?
162
00:12:05,385 --> 00:12:07,584
All right. What am I thinking?
163
00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:11,944
That you should stop being such a scruffy tramp
164
00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:14,744
and get yourself a job, you big scav.
165
00:12:14,745 --> 00:12:19,184
- See?
- Spirits work in strange ways.
166
00:12:19,185 --> 00:12:21,944
You're getting a job? Thank God.
167
00:12:21,945 --> 00:12:26,384
- I'm thinking about it...
- Shut up! What did Donna say last night?
168
00:12:26,385 --> 00:12:28,744
- About what?
- About go-karts.
169
00:12:28,745 --> 00:12:33,614
The spirits are telling me
he's asking about the baby, Janet.
170
00:12:35,425 --> 00:12:38,576
And are these spirits
called "Ner" and "Obviously", Louise?
171
00:12:40,505 --> 00:12:42,744
Did she say anything about me?
172
00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:45,904
- Well, you're definitely the father.
- She's sure?
173
00:12:45,905 --> 00:12:49,584
She could have sat on something by accident.
174
00:12:49,585 --> 00:12:53,578
No, she didn't mention
sitting on an ejaculating man recently.
175
00:12:54,905 --> 00:12:58,104
- Did she say what she'll do?
- You don't know?!
176
00:12:58,105 --> 00:13:00,704
- She's the woman!
- You're the man!
177
00:13:00,705 --> 00:13:03,583
Janet, that's pronounced "you da man".
178
00:13:04,945 --> 00:13:10,424
Gaz, she's had to go
to her mum for support on this one.
179
00:13:10,425 --> 00:13:14,224
Can you remember the last time
you communicated with Donna?
180
00:13:14,225 --> 00:13:17,304
Yeah, I can remember the exact conversation.
181
00:13:17,305 --> 00:13:19,704
Well, I said, "Yes."
182
00:13:19,705 --> 00:13:22,024
She said, "Yes. Yes."
183
00:13:22,025 --> 00:13:24,380
Then I said, "Oh, baby, yes."
184
00:13:25,665 --> 00:13:29,784
Then she said, "Yes."
Then I rebuttaled with, "Yes."
185
00:13:29,785 --> 00:13:34,184
Then she said, "Yes. Yes! Yes!"
186
00:13:34,185 --> 00:13:38,144
I said, "Can you pass the tissues?"
She said, "Yes."
187
00:13:39,265 --> 00:13:41,904
Not the deepest of relationships.
188
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:46,504
- Have you ever taken her on a date?
- She's never taken me on one.
189
00:13:46,505 --> 00:13:50,224
Oh, the equality card. Well played, Gaz.
190
00:13:50,225 --> 00:13:53,664
- Jonny, do the ironing.
- Damn you, equality card.
191
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:59,624
Jonny, wait! I have a message
for you from the other side.
192
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:03,064
- Oh, yeah?
- It's about your job.
193
00:14:03,065 --> 00:14:08,304
I see you dressed in a black suit,
and there is a crowd around you.
194
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:13,299
People are giving you money,
and your face is solemn and ashen.
195
00:14:14,705 --> 00:14:18,184
- What, like a bank manager?
- No, no. Hold on.
196
00:14:18,185 --> 00:14:21,504
I know what Louise is saying. Yeah.
197
00:14:21,505 --> 00:14:25,984
The spirits have spoken, and I must follow.
198
00:14:25,985 --> 00:14:28,744
You big tosser!
199
00:14:28,745 --> 00:14:31,904
- Go and see Donna. She's with her mum.
- Why?!
200
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:35,984
You need to know the mother
of your child a bit better...
201
00:14:35,985 --> 00:14:37,976
you big tosser!
202
00:14:44,785 --> 00:14:47,744
There was a time
you could smoke near pregnant women.
203
00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:53,584
- Well, it's frowned upon now.
- My mother smoked. Never harmed her.
204
00:14:53,585 --> 00:14:56,053
You've got six toes on each foot.
205
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:02,899
- How long does this thing take?
- Two minutes. One line for no, two for yeah.
206
00:15:04,105 --> 00:15:08,584
- I can tell you're pregnant. You can see it.
- What, the glow already?
207
00:15:08,585 --> 00:15:11,864
No, your ankles.
I've never seen anything so puffy.
208
00:15:11,865 --> 00:15:14,184
You need draining.
209
00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:16,540
- Mother!
- Like grapefruits on a knitting needle.
210
00:15:17,545 --> 00:15:19,744
It must be ready. Have a look.
211
00:15:19,745 --> 00:15:25,536
I've had nothing to do with your urine
for 20 years! I'm not starting now!
212
00:15:30,545 --> 00:15:33,378
- I can't tell.
- Oh, let's see.
213
00:15:34,865 --> 00:15:38,384
No, I can't either. That could be a water line.
214
00:15:38,385 --> 00:15:40,819
- Yeah.
- Or you could be a bit pregnant.
215
00:15:42,825 --> 00:15:47,104
- Just the inciest bit.
- I'm gonna have to go to the doctor's.
216
00:15:47,105 --> 00:15:50,624
No... No...
217
00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:53,824
No. When did you last have sex?
218
00:15:53,825 --> 00:15:58,224
- I'm not telling you.
- I'll work it out for meself, then.
219
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:01,979
You waxed your bikini line
two Wednesdays past...
220
00:16:03,465 --> 00:16:06,824
- How'd you know that?
- I've no special interest,
221
00:16:06,825 --> 00:16:10,224
but your Imac strips
stick to the waste paper bin.
222
00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:13,979
- Mum...
- It's like spiders revolting against wicker.
223
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:21,984
- So?
- So... if you waxed,
224
00:16:21,985 --> 00:16:24,180
you planned to have sex the following night.
225
00:16:26,225 --> 00:16:28,984
- Hmm.
- You could be onto something there.
226
00:16:28,985 --> 00:16:33,984
- How's your bikini line now?
- Right. Let me think.
227
00:16:33,985 --> 00:16:37,102
When did I last see my own clout?
228
00:16:40,905 --> 00:16:45,384
Well, this morning,
I was thinking, "What pants?"
229
00:16:45,385 --> 00:16:48,741
- What Pants? That a fetish mag?
- Shh!
230
00:16:50,265 --> 00:16:54,744
And I remember thinking, "They've got
to be nice, because I'm going out...
231
00:16:54,745 --> 00:16:58,504
"but they've also
got to be big and black because..."
232
00:16:58,505 --> 00:17:02,214
- Yes?
- Because I'm due on my period today.
233
00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:07,903
So you're not pregnant, then?
You bloody idiot! Give us a fag!
234
00:17:30,945 --> 00:17:33,424
Jonny?
235
00:17:33,425 --> 00:17:35,700
Pub now!
236
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,735
Oh, you look a twat!
237
00:17:54,705 --> 00:17:59,301
Jonny, sit down! This is worse
than when you called yourself Daddy Cool.
238
00:18:03,465 --> 00:18:07,344
I haven't a clue what you're doing,
so I'm gonna kill you.
239
00:18:07,345 --> 00:18:10,304
- I'm a mime artist!
- A what?!
240
00:18:10,305 --> 00:18:15,704
- Do you remember what Louise said?
- That you'd wear black and... Oh, my God!
241
00:18:15,705 --> 00:18:18,173
Got it in one, matey.
242
00:18:21,265 --> 00:18:24,224
Jonny, everybody's laughin'. It looks bad on me.
243
00:18:24,225 --> 00:18:27,424
They won't be laughin'
when I'm performing for children.
244
00:18:27,425 --> 00:18:31,338
Wearing an outfit that tight,
you shouldn't be allowed near children.
245
00:18:37,145 --> 00:18:41,024
- I don't know how Donna is.
- See? You understood.
246
00:18:41,025 --> 00:18:46,544
- I'm getting good. I could go on telly.
- Yeah, you could advertise men's leotards.
247
00:18:46,545 --> 00:18:51,464
- There's a huge demand for them!
- Well, you should be with Donna.
248
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,824
Dutch courage. I'll go after this Guinness.
249
00:18:53,825 --> 00:18:56,544
Ooh, ooh! Guinness.
250
00:19:02,185 --> 00:19:05,184
Do I look like a pint of Guinness?
251
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:07,824
No, you still look like a twat.
252
00:19:07,825 --> 00:19:10,544
I'm just trying to take responsibility.
253
00:19:10,545 --> 00:19:15,264
After the pregnancy scare,
I realised I need to get more stable.
254
00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:19,304
You know,
get meself a job an' that. Get serious.
255
00:19:21,025 --> 00:19:25,144
Look at the state of you, though!
You need a proper job.
256
00:19:25,145 --> 00:19:28,384
I'm being responsible.
If Donna keeps this baby,
257
00:19:28,385 --> 00:19:31,544
I'm gonna have to dress like you.
258
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,424
A mime artist? We could perform together.
259
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,584
I'm talking about taking responsibility,
260
00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:40,338
not wearing something
so tight it kills me sperm.
261
00:19:42,225 --> 00:19:44,455
- Cheers.
- Shut it.
262
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:53,384
- Cheers for comin' over.
- Thanks for inviting me.
263
00:19:53,385 --> 00:19:55,660
- There you go.
- Thank you.
264
00:19:57,705 --> 00:20:00,219
- So...
- So...
265
00:20:03,345 --> 00:20:07,784
- You gonna ask me or what, Gaz?
- Er, yeah. Um...
266
00:20:07,785 --> 00:20:09,776
OK. Um...
267
00:20:11,745 --> 00:20:14,864
Are? Are you?
268
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:17,744
Are you? Are you?
269
00:20:17,745 --> 00:20:22,344
Am? I mean, am I? Am I gonna be a...
270
00:20:22,345 --> 00:20:24,336
...a cake?
271
00:20:25,385 --> 00:20:28,024
- Gaz.
- Sorry. I'm just a bit nervous.
272
00:20:28,025 --> 00:20:32,264
- I don't know you that well.
- Well enough to sleep with me.
273
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:36,104
I know a tub of Utterly Butterly
well enough to sleep with.
274
00:20:36,105 --> 00:20:38,704
Just relax, then ask me. Ready?
275
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:42,104
- OK, hang on.
- Right. Go on.
276
00:20:42,105 --> 00:20:44,944
Aaaa...
277
00:20:44,945 --> 00:20:47,698
- Aaaa...
- Are you having a stroke?
278
00:20:51,065 --> 00:20:55,184
- Are y?
- Either ask me or I inflict pain.
279
00:20:55,185 --> 00:21:00,104
Not the nice, spanky kind of pain,
the inserting things into you kind of pain.
280
00:21:00,105 --> 00:21:03,222
All right. All right. Um... OK. Um...
281
00:21:05,505 --> 00:21:10,056
- What you gonna do with the baby?
- What do you think I should do?
282
00:21:12,025 --> 00:21:15,504
I respect your decision.
Whatever you want is fine by me.
283
00:21:15,505 --> 00:21:18,099
I'm a responsible adult who doesn't mime.
284
00:21:20,585 --> 00:21:22,576
Good for you.
285
00:21:24,305 --> 00:21:28,944
- What if I wanted to keep it?
- That'd be good and, um...
286
00:21:28,945 --> 00:21:30,936
and decisive, and it'd be good.
287
00:21:32,185 --> 00:21:35,904
- If I wanted to get rid of it?
- Well, I'd support you
288
00:21:35,905 --> 00:21:38,544
and wouldn't judge you for murdering my son.
289
00:21:38,545 --> 00:21:40,695
That's nice.
290
00:21:42,785 --> 00:21:47,063
- And your intentions would be?
- Honourable.
291
00:21:49,345 --> 00:21:53,704
- Honourable?
- I'd have to adjust a bit, but I...
292
00:21:53,705 --> 00:21:56,304
I could probably marry you.
293
00:21:56,305 --> 00:22:00,537
- Are you askin' me?
- Well, that's what they do in "Heartbeat".
294
00:22:02,865 --> 00:22:05,384
- Gaz.
- All right. Not marriage, then,
295
00:22:05,385 --> 00:22:08,064
but I could take responsibility for you.
296
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:12,504
You could move in here.
I'd work double shifts to make it work,
297
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:15,781
and you'd stay at home
with the baby and bake.
298
00:22:17,185 --> 00:22:21,497
- Bake?
- Yeah... No, that's "Heartbeat" again.
299
00:22:22,785 --> 00:22:24,304
Gary...
300
00:22:24,305 --> 00:22:29,184
I could be a proper father figure,
like the one I never had.
301
00:22:29,185 --> 00:22:32,904
- I could be Patrick Duffy.
- Oh!
302
00:22:32,905 --> 00:22:36,375
I got my dates mixed up.
I'm not pregnant. At all.
303
00:22:41,665 --> 00:22:45,104
Jonny, will you please take that stupid suit off?
304
00:22:45,105 --> 00:22:50,824
I'm sure the spirits didn't mean
for you to bulge so unpleasantly.
305
00:22:50,825 --> 00:22:53,344
Blblblblb!
306
00:22:53,345 --> 00:22:57,941
Shut up! If you're a psychic,
tell me something about me I never told you.
307
00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:04,944
- You had a turbulent childhood.
- My God, you are psychic.
308
00:23:04,945 --> 00:23:08,944
- You are also at a crossroads in your life.
- I am.
309
00:23:08,945 --> 00:23:11,937
And your boyfriend eats cat food.
310
00:23:13,185 --> 00:23:15,983
No. No, that one's not true... is it?
311
00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:23,064
- Jonny?
- Ooh! I'm scaring myself now!
312
00:23:23,065 --> 00:23:26,944
Why would you have cat food?
You don't have a cat.
313
00:23:26,945 --> 00:23:32,622
- You're the psychic.
- Because there was a two-for-one offer?
314
00:23:33,665 --> 00:23:37,784
- No.
- You bought a tin without a label.
315
00:23:37,785 --> 00:23:39,944
- Just drop it, OK?
- It's because...
316
00:23:39,945 --> 00:23:42,264
I like the taste, OK?
317
00:23:42,265 --> 00:23:46,064
It's the meaty chunks in jelly. I can't resist!
318
00:23:46,065 --> 00:23:49,784
Between collecting toenail clippings
and cat food consumption,
319
00:23:49,785 --> 00:23:52,904
you're the most disgusting couple I've met.
320
00:23:52,905 --> 00:23:56,784
Where's Gaz and Donna?
Look into the crystal ashtray.
321
00:23:59,185 --> 00:24:01,864
OK. I can see them.
322
00:24:01,865 --> 00:24:05,384
They're in Gaz's flat. They're laughing.
323
00:24:05,385 --> 00:24:09,060
They're so happy,
and they're eating fried chicken.
324
00:24:10,145 --> 00:24:13,704
So happy about their new baby. Over the moon.
325
00:24:13,705 --> 00:24:16,139
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
326
00:24:18,985 --> 00:24:20,944
(SOBS)
327
00:24:20,945 --> 00:24:24,494
Gaz! He was like this this morning.
He's insatiable for Jonny.
328
00:24:26,425 --> 00:24:29,104
- Is he still crying?
- What happened?
329
00:24:29,105 --> 00:24:32,184
Well... I started my period.
330
00:24:32,185 --> 00:24:35,184
For the first time? Are you 12 or something?
331
00:24:35,185 --> 00:24:37,944
Donna, that is brilliant! Well done!
332
00:24:37,945 --> 00:24:42,144
No, it's not. I really wanted to be a dad.
333
00:24:42,145 --> 00:24:45,944
I wanted to be a responsible adult... manly man.
334
00:24:45,945 --> 00:24:48,504
I started looking forward to it.
335
00:24:48,505 --> 00:24:51,781
The birth and... the afterbirth.
336
00:24:54,905 --> 00:25:01,264
My gifts have been removed from me.
Stolen. This is so upsetting.
337
00:25:01,265 --> 00:25:06,897
Cheer up. The spirits might not have said it,
but you made Jonny look like a wanker.
338
00:25:08,505 --> 00:25:15,058
I just wanted a bit of stability in me booze,
babes and... bassoon lifestyle.
339
00:25:16,665 --> 00:25:20,024
I want responsibility.
I want to be like Patrick Duffy.
340
00:25:20,025 --> 00:25:23,664
You can get that from a loving relationship.
341
00:25:23,665 --> 00:25:25,462
Yeah?
342
00:25:28,465 --> 00:25:32,024
- Will you marry me?
- Will I buggery!
343
00:25:32,025 --> 00:25:35,664
- Will you marry me?
- I'm promised to my father's cousin.
344
00:25:35,665 --> 00:25:38,624
- Arranged marriage.
- You're Church of England.
345
00:25:38,625 --> 00:25:42,220
Shh! It's my only way
of getting rid of thick blokes.
346
00:25:43,465 --> 00:25:46,944
Gaz, you don't need to get married to grow up.
347
00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:50,544
Get to know your girlfriend
before you marry someone else.
348
00:25:50,545 --> 00:25:52,854
Like Prince Charles.
349
00:25:54,985 --> 00:25:58,264
- You think that'd work?
- It's worth a try.
350
00:25:58,265 --> 00:26:00,062
OK.
351
00:26:04,665 --> 00:26:08,704
Um... I've never asked you this,
and it'll sound a bit weird,
352
00:26:08,705 --> 00:26:11,384
'cause we've been shagging for a month,
353
00:26:11,385 --> 00:26:15,824
but, um... would you like to go
for a drink with me some time?
354
00:26:15,825 --> 00:26:19,104
- God, that sounded old.
- I'd love to, Gaz.
355
00:26:19,105 --> 00:26:23,744
Yeah? Well, I'll meet you
at the garage at eight o'clock on Tuesday,
356
00:26:23,745 --> 00:26:27,824
and I'll escort you to the finest
drinking establishment there is.
357
00:26:27,825 --> 00:26:31,664
- Wear that pearl necklace I gave you.
- Oh, Gaz!
358
00:26:31,665 --> 00:26:35,824
What?! It's a special gift
from the bottom of me sack.
359
00:26:35,825 --> 00:26:39,864
Ah! Like Father Christmas!
360
00:26:48,345 --> 00:26:51,104
- Hello.
- All right, love?
361
00:26:51,105 --> 00:26:56,304
So, where you taking me tonight, then?
Somewhere grown-up and sophisticated.
362
00:26:58,665 --> 00:27:04,024
- You what?
- Well, we're having a grown-up relationship.
363
00:27:04,025 --> 00:27:07,264
That means wine bars and stuff.
364
00:27:07,265 --> 00:27:11,543
No. I've just got to talk
to you as well as give you one.
365
00:27:12,745 --> 00:27:16,340
Probably save time doing both at once. Pringle?
366
00:27:25,025 --> 00:27:28,415
One thousand pounds.
367
00:27:29,465 --> 00:27:32,624
One thousand pounds!
368
00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:37,184
A thousand pounds! Oh, my God!
He's buying me an engagement ring.
369
00:27:37,185 --> 00:27:40,704
Do you think
we'll get married and have some sex?
370
00:27:40,705 --> 00:27:43,944
I'm not sure about the first.
We hardly know each other.
371
00:27:43,945 --> 00:27:49,258
But the second one's
a dead cert, is it? Come on, my son!
30940
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