Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Savage Songs.

Hello there.

Welcome to the Savage Songs special which has given me a brilliant idea.

All I've got to do is write a catchy song

and I'll be as famous as the great Greek leader, Alexander the Great.

[audience cheering]

♪ Alexander is my name Macedonia's most famous commander ♪

♪ History calls "The Great" But I prefer "The Greatest" ♪

♪ A king aged only 20 When my dad assassinated ♪

♪ Advisors called for calm But frankly peace is overrated ♪

♪ Crushed rebels in Greek city states ♪

♪ So thousands of them martyrs ♪

♪ Made short labour of my neighbours ♪

♪ And that was just for starters ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ Full-time fighter ♪

♪ Made my home rule secure But that wasn't enough ♪

♪ I wanted more, more, more! ♪

♪ And so began my master plan To conquer by invasion ♪

♪ Started with dad's enemy The famous Persian nation ♪

♪ Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience ♪

♪ But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius ♪

♪ Founded Egypt's Alexandria ♪

♪ Named for the greatest man alive ♪ ♪ I was now Pharaoh and King of Persia ♪

♪ Not bad for 25 ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ Victorious fighter ♪

♪ "The Greatest" sounds flat How about "The Living God"? ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll buy that ♪

♪ My loyal followers said That's the stuff ♪

♪ But I, a born warrior, said It's not enough ♪

♪ Let's take India Last man there is a fool ♪

♪ Started wearing Persian clothes Boy, I looked so cool ♪

♪ But made my troops suspicious ♪

♪ Men called me too ambitious ♪

♪ Said they wouldn't follow me ♪

♪ Guitar solo, Ptolemy ♪

[guitar solo]

♪ Because of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far ♪

♪ He'll found the dynasty That ends with Cleopatra ♪

♪ Then there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course ♪

♪ Unless you count Bucephalus But he's a horse ♪

♪ Why the long face, my friend? ♪

[neighing]

♪ Anyway, together it was going grand ♪

♪ Till Heph and Bucy died And my men took a stand ♪

♪ I wanted to continue But my hands were tied ♪

♪ So I sat in my tent and I cried ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ No more a fighter ♪

♪ Adventures had to stop ♪

♪ Cos 323 B.C. ♪

♪ Saw me drop ♪

♪ Dead ♪

Alexander the Great may have been famous,

but was he as rich as Roman politician

Marcus Licinius Crassus? I doubt it.

[techno music playing]

♪ I'm Marcus Licinius Crassus ♪

♪ No rich man could ever surpass us ♪

♪ Wanted people to say I was brave ♪

♪ But lost my first fight And hid in a cave ♪

♪ Living there could be A pauper's nightmare ♪

♪ But if you're rich like me Then you don't care ♪

♪ I called my slave to the cave To ask it ♪

♪ To cook a feast and lower in a basket ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted ♪

♪ But they ain't rich like me ♪ ♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪

♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪

♪ I'm minted! I backed General Sulla ♪

♪ Every day my wallet got fuller ♪

♪ Took the land off our enemies To flog it ♪

♪ Used to the cash to fill my pocket If I heard of a house on fire ♪

♪ I'd rush over, be a quick cash buyer ♪

♪ My firemen would then douse the flames Boom! Another big house to my name ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me ♪

♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪

♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪

♪ I'm minted! I bought an army for fighting Spartacus ♪

♪ At the start, my men lost heart-acus ♪

♪ I killed one in ten in a killing spree ♪

♪ So they were more scared of me Than the enemy ♪

♪ Smashed the slaves, it got real gory ♪

♪ But then Pompey stole my glory ♪

♪ To show it was me That crushed the horde ♪

♪ Nailed up the slaves Like on a billboard ♪

♪ They're splinted! Not enough to be a politician ♪

♪ Wanted triumph Took my army on a mission ♪

♪ Got owned by the Parthian Persians ♪

♪ They killed me But you'll hear two versions ♪

♪ The famous one's quite hard to follow They gave me boiling gold to swallow ♪

♪ But the true way they made me pay? ♪

♪ They used my head as a prop in a play ♪

♪ Embarrassing ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted ♪

♪ But they ain't rich like me ♪

♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪

♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪

[laughing] I love it! Tell me you don't love it.

I haven't written the song yet.

This is a list of some of the things I plan to do

when I'm a rock 'n' roll star.

[laughs] Mainly, touring the world and trashing places.

A bit like being a Viking.

Although, Vikings weren't just violent invaders.

Oh, no.

[calming guitar music playing]

♪ We Vikings have an awful reputation With your nation ♪

♪ But when we'd finished Plundering and pillages ♪

♪ Made nice villages ♪

♪ Any place name ending Thorpe or Kirk or By was us you see ♪

♪ Scunthorpe, Ormskirk, Wetherby ♪

♪ Scarborough fair ♪

♪ We named them, yeah ♪

♪ We split your isles diagonally ♪

♪ From South East to North West ♪

♪ Our section called the Danelaw ♪

♪ King Alfred ruled the rest ♪

♪ Think we're scary? No, don't flee ♪

♪ Conquered Saxons would find we ♪

♪ Settled and lived in ♪

♪ Harmony ♪

♪ Vike-Eng-Land ♪

♪ Though we began as raiders ♪

♪ So well planned ♪

♪ You accepted us as traders ♪

♪ We introduced some new terms ♪

♪ Husband, Gasp, Egg, Awkward, Nag, Leg ♪

♪ More than 50 words to leave your lingo ♪

♪ To your liking, thank a Viking ♪

♪ Your little town of Swansea City ♪

♪ Named for our King Sweyn ♪

♪ Waterford and Dublin ♪

♪ Us old Norse Vikings again ♪

♪ As farmers, we made doubly sure ♪

♪ To respect agriculture ♪

♪ With us, locals felt secure ♪

♪ Norse-Scot-Land ♪

♪ Large parts of that whole region ♪ ♪ Norse got land ♪

♪ Were improved by Norwegians ♪

♪ London Bridge is falling down ♪

♪ The nursery rhyme comes from our time ♪

♪ Vikings played key roles ♪

♪ In 1014, it was pulled down ♪ ♪ By Olafr Haraldsson ♪

♪ You can call him Ol ♪

♪ In a dispute with King Canute ♪

♪ Olafr's side won ♪

♪ Ethelred returned as King ♪

♪ And could be heard proclaiming ♪

♪ Here's to you, Olafr Haraldsson ♪

♪ Vike-Eng-Land ♪

♪ We swapped our life of violence ♪

♪ Norse-Scot-Land ♪

♪ To enjoy the sound of silence ♪

♪ There's no doubt under Viking rule ♪ ♪ Britain did improv-y ♪

♪ Feelin' groovy ♪

♪ And that's no Lie, la, lie, la, la, lie ♪

[humming]

Oh!

You know, writing a hit song may not be all that easy.

I really need to concentrate on this.

Look, you watch the story of a remarkable French teenage girl

and I'll get on.

-[up-tempo beat] -Okay.

Pamplemousse.

Baguette and brie.

Are you ready?

♪ I'm Joan of Arc from Domremy ♪

♪ Religious visions came to me ♪

♪ God said save France from the English ♪

♪ And make Dauphin Charles king ♪

♪ Dauphin means heir to the throne ♪

♪ But England claimed The crown as their own ♪

♪ We'd had 100 years of war This girl had to do something ♪

♪ So I did it like a dude, cut my hair ♪

♪ Gave up wearing dresses, bought a pair ♪

♪ Of trousers, no blouses said I wanna fight Angleterre! ♪

♪ Charles let me join The army, army, army ♪

♪ Though that might sound Barmy, barmy, barmy ♪

♪ I proved impressive ♪

♪ Hit by an arrow and lived ♪

♪ English troops are Over-ranny, ranny, ranny ♪

♪ Defeated them at Patay, Patay, Patay ♪

♪ We saved Orléans ♪

♪ And Charles was crowned tres bon ♪

♪ Me leading troops a long shot ♪

♪ But I was a lucky mascot ♪

♪ Inspired soldiers with bravery Fought injured and survived ♪

♪ But in 1430 ♪

♪ Burgundians captured me ♪

♪ King Charles wouldn't pay my ransom ♪

♪ No one told me why ♪

♪ Being a prisoner was not my style ♪

♪ Tried escaping from my captors vile ♪

♪ But then the English who'd fought me Bought me, made me stand trial ♪

♪ So where was King Charlie, Charlie, Charlie? ♪

♪ He'd given up And left me, left me, left me ♪

♪ In the English snare ♪

♪ Whole thing so unfair ♪

♪ Said, put me in uh-huh, nunnery ♪

♪ They said, don't be uh-uh, funnery ♪

♪ If you dress like a male ♪

♪ We'll put you in men's jail ♪

♪ Joan of Arc You're charged with sorcery ♪

♪ You're just jealous Cos God speaks to me ♪

♪ You say you speak to saints In this discourse? ♪

♪ What language do they speak? ♪

♪ French, of course! ♪

♪ Pah! Now you're in prison They have failed yer ♪

♪ I say it's God's plan That you're my jailer! ♪ ♪ Here's a trick question, in that case ♪

♪ Do you think that you are In God's grace? ♪

♪ If I am not, may God put me there ♪

♪ And if I am, may God so keep me ♪

♪ Oh, your smart remarks Go round the houses ♪

♪ You're guilty of heresy And wearing men's trousers ♪

♪ Despite my testimony, mony, mony ♪ ♪ Condemned for reasons Phoney, phoney, phoney ♪

♪ But my will did not break ♪

♪ So they tied me to a stake ♪

♪ Burned alive was My destiny, tiny, tiny ♪

♪ And here is the irony, rony, rony ♪

♪ My death led France To put on war paint ♪

♪ And crush the English So now, I'm a saint ♪

I've got it! I've got the first line at last!

♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪

Hang on, that sounds vaguely familiar.

Oh! Time for a song about a monarch.

Here's Henry VII, the father of the whole Tudor dynasty.

Of all the Kings called Henry, I'm the one you've rarely heard.

Shakespeare wrote IV, V, VI, VIII, but VII? Not a word.

People think I'm dreary.

To some extent I am.

But look a little closer...

♪ Glam bam, thank you, ma'am! ♪

[slow rock music playing]

♪ I didn't agree with King Richard three ♪

♪ So I fought him at Bosworth Field And won victory ♪

♪ How cool does this sound? ♪

♪ I'm the King who found ♪

♪ Rich's crown in a hedge On the winning battleground ♪

♪ The only way to end war And avert further disaster ♪

♪ There's got to be a way to unite York and Lancaster ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ Founder of that dynasty ♪

♪ The man who closes The Wars of the Roses ♪

That's right, that's right, that's me

♪ I launched attacks On Lords who earned stacks ♪

♪ Mine was a noble cause To tap them all for tax ♪

♪ They paid their share, was only fair ♪

♪ To make England rich And, me a millionaire ♪

♪ Elizabeth York became my wife for life That make me a bore? ♪

♪ Joined our family seat, that's neat Made my rule secure ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ Returning power to the state ♪

♪ Seemed quite toothless ♪ ♪ But actually ruthless ♪

♪ I make the monarchy great ♪

♪ Spent a long time fighting ♪

♪ Pretenders to the throne ♪

♪ Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck ♪

♪ Said my throne was their own ♪

♪ They claimed they'd been princes ♪

♪ In the tower, their rule delayed ♪

♪ I said this crown ain't big enough For the three of us and had one slayed ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ King of foreign policy ♪

♪ To end hostile relations ♪

♪ With enemy nations ♪

♪ I asked them to make friends with me ♪

♪ Yeah, the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ They say dullness's my main trait ♪

♪ Well, that's a sad indictment ♪

♪ Cos if you're looking for excitement ♪

♪ My son was Henry the Eighth ♪

I'm getting there, I'm getting there!

Time for some more inventive types.

♪ With imagination ♪

♪ Inspiration ♪

♪ Innovation ♪

♪ And perspiration ♪

♪ We revolutionised transportation ♪

♪ Stephenson's the name ♪

♪ And my steam engine's the best You will find ♪

♪ It was the Rocket It was called the Rocket ♪

♪ It pulled a train to carry passengers And was the first of its kind ♪

♪ Caused a commotion Doing the locomotion ♪

♪ Was best by miles ♪

♪ And won top prize ♪

♪ At the Rainhill trials ♪

♪ The Lords said it was dangerous Then saw how many tickets could sell ♪

♪ The toffs were off it Till they saw a profit ♪

♪ And so he paved the way for me ♪

♪ I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel ♪

♪ An engineer, and famous pioneer ♪

♪ Railways off pat ♪

♪ A massive hat ♪

♪ And to top that ♪

♪ I was a tunnel-building, bridge-creating Hard-grafting, ship-crafting ♪

♪ Polymath in search of a way ♪

♪ To take my train through my tunnel Across my bridge to my ship ♪

♪ And sail me fastest to the USA ♪

♪ My steam ship It made the trip in just 14 days ♪

♪ There across the ocean was Clever old me, I'm quite a star ♪

♪ He's Henry Ford, yes That's what he's called ♪

♪ My assembly line's the first To make it cheap to buy a motor car ♪

♪ From Henry Ford, cars you can afford ♪

♪ I think you'll find Made just one kind ♪

♪ But never mind ♪

♪ I was the fastest rating car Creating introducing mass producing ♪

♪ Original Model T guy ♪

♪ We took his engine a bird wing Some bike skills worked ♪

♪ Until we found out How machines could fly ♪

♪ Not just a hop ♪

♪ But non-stop ♪

♪ Gonna get high, high, high ♪

♪ I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright ♪

♪ We refined the plane That made the first sustained flight ♪

♪ Our engine small, but powerful ♪

♪ Propelled to a great height! ♪

[instrumental]

♪ They were supreme, our mean machines ♪

♪ The stuff of dreams ♪

♪ We were creative, inventive Progress our incentive ♪

♪ Always searching for a solution ♪

♪ We took some steel and a wheel Made a plane car and train ♪

♪ And created a revolution ♪

♪ Hard to believe what we achieved ♪

♪ Looking back, we helped change tack ♪

♪ Transport was duller ♪

♪ We added colour ♪

♪ Well, as long as it's black ♪

Time to meet someone who could really write. Good day.

[up-beat music playing]

♪ I lived a happy life Till I was 10 years old ♪

♪ When debt landed Dad in prison And our country house was sold ♪

♪ Lodged with a lady In her London flat so cold ♪

♪ Worked at a boot polish factory Labelling jars, quite dull all told ♪

♪ Goodness only knows ♪

♪ I was a miserable soul ♪

♪ For a time, I went to school But then I found a job ♪

♪ As a clerk to a lawyer Oh, it made my poor head throb ♪

♪ I failed to be an actor Despite my loud gob ♪

♪ Ended up reporting speeches Of the Parliamentary mob ♪

♪ Then as everybody knows ♪

♪ I started writing prose ♪

♪ Put my life into my books ♪

♪ Friends and enemies and crooks ♪ ♪ Legal bosses, up they crop ♪

♪ In the Old Curiosity Shop ♪

♪ Fagin in Oliver Twist ♪

♪ A factory pal, you get the gist ♪

♪ And although my memory's quite foggy ♪

♪ Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer ♪

♪ Scroggie ♪

♪ My first book was An overnight sensation ♪

♪ But I drove myself Too hard to enjoy the adulation ♪

♪ Despite my wealth My family begged for money ♪

♪ I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit Which people said was funny ♪

♪ Didn't sell like books before ♪

♪ My family still asked for more ♪

♪ Little Dorrit is a tale ♪

♪ About my dad in debtors' jail ♪

♪ While Hard Times tells my life ♪

♪ About when I tried to leave my wife ♪

♪ Little Nell's death was My poor dear departed sister-in-law ♪

♪ And David Copperfield Working in a factory ♪

♪ I must confess that That was really me! ♪

♪ In my life, felt shame About poverty in childhood ♪

♪ Wrote about sadness Suffering and fears ♪

♪ Also wrote about people With funny names ♪

♪ Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge, Uriah Heep ♪

♪ And Wackford Squeers! ♪

♪ Whilst writing Edwin Drood ♪

♪ A train crash didn't help my mood ♪

♪ Still I drove myself on ♪

♪ With readings far across the pond ♪

♪ Died before I wrote Drood's end ♪

♪ This sort of thing Drove me round the bend ♪

♪ So Dickens take a, Dickens take a bow ♪

♪ And Heaven knows I'm miserable ♪

♪ Now ♪

Alright, I give up!

Unlike American heroine, Rosa Parks, who simply refused to.

[jazz music playing]

♪ I'm Rosa Parks ♪

♪ My story marks The first step towards civil rights ♪

♪ Racial inequality, American policy ♪

♪ Till I kicked off a fight ♪

♪ What act of mine left havoc to ensue? ♪

♪ How come I caused such fuss? ♪

♪ What shocking behaviour did I do? ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ I sat on a bus You sat on a bus? ♪

♪ I sat on a bus ♪

♪ You sat on a bus? ♪

♪ You wanna know why? ♪

♪ Go ahead tell us ♪

♪ I sat on that bus You sat on the bus ♪

♪ In the 50s all buses divided ♪

♪ Whites in front, blacks behind ♪

♪ You serious? If the bus filled up ♪

♪ We had to give up Our seats or we'd be fined ♪

♪ That's ludicrous ♪

♪ I made a stand in my hometown ♪

♪ Montgomery, Alabama ♪

♪ That's dangerous ♪

♪ Refused to stand for a white man ♪

♪ So they put me in the slammer ♪

♪ Discourteous! ♪

♪ December five, 1955 My trial notorious ♪

♪ Black people stood side by side ♪

♪ And no one ♪

♪ Got on the bus ♪

♪ We stayed off the bus ♪

♪ They stayed off the bus ♪

♪ We stayed off the bus I meant business! ♪

♪ She inspired us! So they stayed off the bus ♪

♪ We stayed off the bus ♪

♪ We organised a boycott Of public transportation ♪

♪ To win R-E-S-P-E-C-T And force new legislation ♪

♪ Dreamed of the day The USA had no implementation ♪

♪ Of S-E-G-R-E-G-A-T-I-O-N ♪

♪ Spells segregation ♪

♪ From that day on, we walked or cabbed ♪

♪ Led by Martin Luther King ♪

♪ Attacked by mobs, our houses bombed ♪

♪ Though, peace was our thing ♪

♪ Our plight, it made the national news ♪

♪ Which was mighty strange ♪

♪ Mysterious ♪

♪ When word reached the President ♪

♪ He had to make a change ♪

♪ Delirious ♪

♪ One year on, we'd finally won ♪

♪ A victory momen-tuss ♪

♪ The fight for national civil rights Was begun ♪

♪ 'Cause I sat on a bus ♪

♪ -She sat on a bus -I sat on a bus ♪

♪ -She sat on a bus -I sat on a bus ♪

♪ Got on the bus ♪

♪ -I sat on a bus -She sat on a bus ♪

♪ Our story owes a huge debt to Rosa ♪

♪ We all agree ♪

♪ She made history ♪

♪ She sat on the bus ♪

♪ For all of us ♪

♪ -I sat on that bus -She sat on the bus ♪

♪ -I sat on the bus -She sat on the bus ♪

♪ She sat on the bus ♪

I think I'll leave the songwriting to Gary Barlow.

I'll try something a bit easier.

Like writing a bestselling novel. Cue the big finale.

[soft piano music playing]

♪ Stone Age brought you speech ♪

♪ Farms, the wheel and fire ♪

♪ Then metal was explored ♪

♪ Which meant we could make swords To kill and build empires ♪

♪ Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? ♪

♪ Pharaoh's tombs, lovely shrines ♪

♪ But some were living graves For hundreds of poor slaves ♪

♪ And pig's eye was our cure For the blind ♪

♪ Greek Civilisation, our creation ♪

♪ Drama and philosophy ♪

♪ But Sparta praised lying Celebrated dying ♪

♪ And Hippocrates drank wee ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We brought you bloodshed ♪

♪ Greek excursions To battle the Persians ♪

♪ Disembowelling our dead ♪

♪ Together we made the world A little bit grim ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Could be fairly dim ♪

♪ We Romans brought you roads ♪

♪ And public medicine ♪

♪ Gladiator fighting Feeding men to lions ♪

♪ Burning Christians That kinda thing, you know ♪

♪ Then came the Middle Ages ♪

♪ Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts ♪

♪ A time of invasion, feudalism, famine And Black Death, bubos and welts ♪

♪ 1066 saw Harold in a fix As William conquered all ♪

♪ What was the bettin' An arrow in his retina ♪

♪ Would lead to his downfall? ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We brought invasion and strife ♪

♪ We attacked monasteries ♪

♪ Said, give us gold please ♪

♪ Then we took your life ♪

♪ Our crusades meant slaughter Wherever we'd go ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Was it pretty? No ♪

♪ Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs Next in line ♪

♪ Brought progress in science and art ♪

♪ Also beheadings, burnings, civil war ♪

♪ Greed and colonies for a start ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We gave you plague and disease ♪

♪ Travelled, found the Incans ♪

♪ Spread smallpox in a blink ♪

♪ And brought them to their knees ♪

♪ Dogs, cats and the French blamed ♪

♪ For plague along the way ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Not such happy days ♪

♪ Victorian technology went Hand in hand with poverty ♪

♪ Kids up chimneys and down mines ♪ ♪ Improvements to the world did pick up Despite some violent hiccups ♪

♪ Two World Wars, millions died ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Our times smelly and gory ♪

♪ We reigned over you And told you what to do ♪ ♪ And that is this story ♪

♪ Thought we were amazing ♪ ♪ Though you may quibble ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ And we made it horrible! ♪

♪ We're history ♪