Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

[narrator] This week in Good Day Magazine, it's our Brunel Special.

Oye, down here. Hello.

We've got an exclusive interview with a little giant.

Hey, less of the little. I'm six foot tall if you include the hat.

Yes, it's Isambard Kingdom Brunel

the man behind the Clifton Suspension bridge,

The Great Western Railway

and the Transatlantic Steamship the SS Great Britain.

Read how the most famous engineer

in Victorian Britain is also an amateur magician.

Watch as I make this half Sovereign disappear before your very eyes.

Find out how Brunel got a Half Sovereign coin caught in his throat

and then invented a machine to dislodge it.

It's not working.

And read how Brunel's father saved the day.

Dad, you're so embarrassing, I'm still choking.

His dad invented a machine that

turned him upside down to dislodge the coin.

Oh look at that, it worked. Well done, dad.

Plus the miraculous story of a lucky escape from one of Brunel's bridges.

I fell from Clifton Suspension Bridge,

but my huge Victorian skirt acted as a parachute and I survived.

Though my dress didn't. I landed in a ton of mud.

[inhales] Read my shocking story only in Good Day Magazine.

-So don't be caught short. -I'm not short.

Buy your copy of Good Day Magazine today

price only a Half Sovereign coin.

But be careful not to get it stuck in your throat. Like me.

Brunel was a Victorian engineering genius.

But it took his dad's brains to dislodge a coin he swallowed.

Brunel knew the coin was missing when he checked his change

and realised he was a, a little short.

I heard that.

Sorry. Another brainy Victorian was a certain Mary Anning.

-[clears throat] Excuse me. -Yeah.

I'm looking for a Mary Anning. She sells shells.

-Sea shells? -On the seashore.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure she sells sea shells on the seashore.

Are you sure that the shells she sells are sea shells?

Yes, the shells she sells on the seashore are sea shells

I'm sure, have you seen her?

No. But there is a woman down there selling fossils, look.

Thank you.

Good day, young lady.

I'm what they call a geologist, I study old rocks and fossils and so on.

Yeah, I do know what a geologist is.

I'm sure you do, you clever thing. I say, look at this everyone!

An incredibly rare and important fossil I found right here on Lyme Regis beach.

Er, I think you mean that I found.

Why yes, you picked it up off the beach,

because it looked nice and pretty, no doubt.

But it takes a proper geologist like me to recognise it for what it really is.

The tail of a plesiosaur.

-No, the wing of a terrorsaur. -Really? I know more about dinosaurs than virtually anyone else in the world.

I've been discovering their bones down here for years.

If I wasn't a woman, I'd be rich and famous now cos of my finds. Instead I'm down here on the beach with my brother selling my collection

-to make ends meet. -[laughs] What an imagination you have!

No, it was me who discovered the first ichthyosaur skeleton

and worked out it was a dolphin like dinosaur, so.

Now, I know for a fact that isn't true.

As this Royal Society Paper is published by a very famous scientist

said it was erm... Well, it doesn't say who it was who found it,

but finding it is the easy bit. It's cleaning it

and preparing it that's the really hard work.

Well, that was me as well.

Look love, just cos you found the odd fossil

doesn't make you some sort of expert or something.

Er, the odd fossil, I've been discovering fossils my whole life, I found ammonites,

I found bellamites, I found coprolites.

-Coprolites, what are they? -Fossilized dinosaur poo.

Oh, goodness.

Yeah, I was the first to identify all of these, so.

Look, if this were true I'm sure I'd have met you

in London at the Geological Society.

Well, I'm not allowed to join am I, cos I'm a woman?

-Alright, calm down. -Oh, no, I am calm

cos I discovered another dinosaur today.

-Really which one? -You.

That is an ammonite.

That's a ballamite, and that is a coprolite.

Oh, and have another ballamite while you're at it.

[narrator] Groovy Greeks.

[narrator] Words we get from the Greeks.

Politics. Democracy. Throne.

-Organisation. -Hippopotamus.

Xylophone.

Strategy.

Monarchy.

Purple.

Rhinoceros.

Pantomime. Academic.

Thesis.

Elephant. Catapult.

Elephant catapult?

[elephant noises]

[crashing noises] -Huh?

Comedian.

Yes, us ancient Greeks came up with a lot of new words

and they helped us explain our ground breaking ideas.

[music playing]

Hello there, I'm an ancient Greek scientist. Science, it's all Greek to me.

Of course it is, I'm Greek.

That's why I'm able to tell you about the wonders of the ancient Greek universe.

It's amazing.

Even though we ancient Greeks lived a very long time ago,

we were amazing scientists.

It was us that worked out that rainbows are a natural phenomenon

and not the work of the Gods.

They're not made of magic, they're natural like waterfalls and hamsters.

It's amazing!

It was an ancient Greek called Xenophanes

who worked out that because we find seaside fossils

on the tops of mountains, the surface of the earth must have risen

and fallen over the years. It's ancient Greek scientific fact.

How else did they get there? They can't walk, they're fossils.

It was us ancient Greeks who first worked out

that the nervous system is linked to the brain, all matter is made up of atoms

and the sun is the centre of the Milky Way.

They were all ancient Greek scientific facts.

All of them, look at the big brain on us!

Pow!

We're amazing! We even invented steam power and vending machines.

Well, that's all for this week. Thanks for watching and...

Sorry, Brian. Sorry, where's all the crazy stuff?

What you talking about?

Normally, you tell all the crazy stuff and then I've gotta get these folks

to come in a cart you away. So come on, let's hear all this mad scientific rubbish

-that you ancient Greeks believed in? -Well, there isn't any, just really smart.

Oh, right. That's lunch, everybody. Thanks, lads. Erm, cheers Brian.

-Okay. -Alright.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

We also believed that the planet earth is floating in water.

Okay lads, usual business.

And that in India there are ants as big as dogs that dig up gold and eat camels.

It's ancient Greek scientific fact! Amazing!

[narrator] Awful Egyptians. You've probably heard of Tutankhamun.

But have you heard of this mighty pharaoh?

[thrilling movie music playing]

Hello, I have come to pitch the story of the greatest pharaoh of all time.

You must be King Tut.

-King Tut. I am Ramesses the Great. -Oh! Big head alert.

We'll be the judge of who's great around here, Mr Ramalamadingdong.

My name is Ramesses.

-So, is King Tut like just a nickname? -I'm not King Tut, I am Ramesses II.

The second, you were the Great a minute ago.

I ruled Egypt for 66 years, Tutankhamun died when he was just 18.

A boy pharaoh, I like that.

We could give him a pet like a talking sphinx. Is Robin Williams available?

-I love Robbie Williams. -Robin Williams!

I love Robbie Williams.

I am not the boy pharaoh, I am Ramesses the Great. [screams]

-Would you please stop doing that? -Tantrum. Did anyone say diva?

In the short reign Tutankhamun achieved nothing.

I made Egypt the richest most powerful place on the planet.

I waged great wars that changed the course of history.

I built countless gigantic monuments.

Oh, now, we're getting somewhere. So, you built the pyramids?

Well, no, er, they'd been there for a long time before I became pharaoh.

-So, you built the Sphinx? -Huh, yeah, again,

that was somebody else way before my time. But I made loads of other stuff.

The Temples at Abu-Simbel, the entire new city of Pi-Ramesses

and of course my incredible mortuary temple, The Ramesseum.

Did you have a famous tomb like King Tut?

I've heard of that, it was filled with incredible treasure.

His tomb was rubbish, it was all hidden underground

it was nothing compared to mine. I'm telling you it's my story you want.

Okay, we're on board. We are so totally not on board.

Did King Tut by any chance have a talking camel?

-Why not, Eddie Murphy. -Eddie Murphy.

Will you stop going on about King Tut.

I am the greatest pharaoh of all time. Me, me, me.

Aruba, aruba, aruba.

Why has nobody heard of me? It's so unfair.

-Oh, temper, temper. -Tut, tut, tut.

-Oh! So annoying people! -Bye, bye Rambo,

Rampelstiltskin, what, what is his name?

Er, who cares.

It was quite common for posh Egyptian tombs to be stolen.

When Tutankhamun died, his fancy tomb was nicked by his uncle

who had him shoved in a hidden underground one instead.

But this meant it wasn't easy for grave robbers to find it.

So, it remained intact, with its treasures until it was discovered in the 1920's.

Which is why Tutankhamun is so famous today?

Yes, those ancient Egyptians loved fancy buildings,

so, there was an awful lot of construction work.

Stonemason, yeah?

Alright, go and join the crew working on the Sphinx, cheers mate.

Oh, I can't wait, imagine actually being part of the team

that builds Egypt's brand new capital city Pi-Ramesses from virtually nothing.

Seven Square miles of mansions, temples, canals, lakes, statues

and houses for 300,000 people. I hope I get on a pyramid team.

Alright pharaoh statue, cheers mate.

Or a needle, some of those needles are amazing.

50 foot high, 200 tons, I can't wait to tell everyone back home about this.

Temple of Ra. Thanks mate, next.

Alright chief, I am raring to go.

So, just put a hammer in my hand and point me in the direction of the...

-Horse toilets. -Horse toilets?

-Horse toilets. -Horse toilet.

-It's where horses-- -I know what it is mate.

I left my family hundreds of miles away and walked here.

I, I had to hire slaves to look after my farm

so I could be part of Ramesses II magnificent project

-and you want me to build a... -Horse toilet.

I'll be a laughing stock.

There's nothing wrong with building a horse toilet, right.

Come and have a look at the first one we done. Come on.

Look at that, heh.

Years of engineering and genius have gone into designing that, yeah.

The pillars hold the horse in place, perfectly positioning it

so, it can do its business in the hole. Imagine it, yeah.

The pharaoh's cavalry.

10,000 horses all going to the toilet at once in front of us.

-I'd rather not. -Yeah, well, not only is it cleaner,

but we're also collecting all the horse wee to help tan the leather,

to make the armour, the weapons.

Your horse toilet mate is helping make Egypt the powerhouse of the world.

I've never thought of it like that. These horse toilets are amazing

-I'll do it. -Good on ya, mate.

Thanks. Only if anyone asks.

I'll tell them you're working on the Sphinx.

-Thank you. Cheers. -Alright, ta, ta.

Alright. Alright. I can get started. Oh, horses only.

-Oh, sorry. -Unbelievable.

[narrator] Troublesome 20th Century.

[news theme music playing]

Hello and welcome to the News at When, when?

Around 70 years ago, when the United States of America and the Soviet Union

centred around modern day Russia, decided to try

and settle the growing argument over who was superior in a way

that was quite literally out of this world.

Here with more details on this starry story is our very own Space Cadet

Bob Hale, with his Space Race report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well the year is 1945,

World War II has just ended and after years of having to be battle buddies,

America and the Soviet Union can now finally embrace the fact

that they don't much like each other.

You see these two superpowers

run their countries in very different ways called, chalk and cheese.

I mean Communism and Capitalism.

So, have grown to distrust each other intensely.

But luckily, both of them captured some German rocket scientists

who built Hitler's wartime missiles

which suggest a rather exciting way to settle which superpower is best.

Rocket back javelin.

No? Okay, then how about using missile technology to put a man into space?

Yes, the space race is on with an early lead going to... America.

Who find out if it's possible for living creatures to survive space travel,

start firing monkeys, dogs, mice and rhinos into outer space

though not rhinos. And with the Soviet's following suit,

soon loads of animals are sent off into starry skies

with many of them never coming back. I guess they liked it up there or what?

Oh, right. Rest in peace, guys.

Anyway, now the race really starts hotting up,

as both sides rush towards the next major milestone,

putting an unmanned craft into orbit around the earth

with the points this time going to... the Soviets.

Yes, in 1957 Sputnik One,

a radio beacon the size of a beach ball, becomes the

thank you. Really helpful, honestly.

Yes, Sputnik becomes the first ever satellite.

But, America's not far behind and in 1958, they launched Explorer One

which is about the size of a grapefruit. Don't even think about it.

And while it's even Stevens score wise, the Soviets are not on a roll.

They send an unmanned rocket right round the Moon

launch a probe to photograph it's surface and

in 1961 after successful test using a dummy... Yes, very funny.

Russia's Yuri Gagarin becomes the first ever man in space.

And America starts getting pretty sick of second place.

So, in 1961, US President, John F. Kennedy announces that

America will attempt the impossible. To put a man on the Moon.

"Not because it is easy, but because it is hard."

The exact same reason why I keep trying to set the clock on my oven. So, a new series of rockets, known as the Apollo Programme

are dedicated to mooning. I mean the Moon landing.

But disaster strikes when a fire during launch simulation

kills the crew of Apollo One. Meaning Apollo's two, three

four, five, six become unmanned flights to perfect the design.

Until finally in 1968, the USA gets some badly needed points

when the crew of Apollo Eight

become the first men in history to orbit the Moon.

And just one year later,

America is finally ready to do what mankind has always dreamt of.

Teaching a pig to tap dance.

Huh? Oh, moon landing.

That makes more sense with all this. I see.

So, Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong climb aboard Apollo Eleven

with the aim of beating the Soviets once and for all.

Their mission is simple, fly to the Moon,

land, walk on, leave the Moon, fly home and Bob's your uncle...

Though only if you're my nephews. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, since the navigation computer was about as powerful as a chip inside

a modern toaster, I'd say pretty much anything.

But the date's been set, the cameras are primed

and the eyes of the world watch with bated breath, which is difficult for eyes.

On July the 20th 1969, Lunar Module Eagle

separate from the command module, Columbia, and land on the Moon.

Yes, the space race is finally won.

A scoreboard shattering victory to the US of A,

as Neil Armstrong takes one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind.

The Soviets accept defeat, wave goodbye to the Moon

they never reached and turn their attention to building space stations.

Leaving America

to build a Moon colony with a burger bar and a coffee shop, right? Wrong, in fact only 12 people ever set foot on the Moon

and no one's been there since 1972.

A tragic oversight that I'm going to rectify right now.

Yes, it's time to take one small step for Bob Hale, but one giant leap

with the good people at Bob Hale's Space Rocket Industries.

Goodbye, Sam, I've always loved you. Will you wait for me?

-No. -I'm not going then.

Fine.

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

[Randamp;B music playing]

Bonched, bonched, bom, bom!

What's going on? There's a horse in the hospital.

You, you, you welcome to me make show.

This week we is in the Middle Ages...

Leave it!

And we is gonna be making some gold, yeah?

Yeah!

Ah! Showing us how it's done is my main man, all the way from Italy

the alchemist, Bernard De Treviso.

-Give it up! -Bonjourno.

Oh, okay. Oh, we're going for three. Bernie, tell us about yourself man.

Well, I've travelled the world,

and spent my entire fortune studying the ancient art of alchemy.

What is that, like hocus pocus sort of...

It's Middle Ages science.

Okay, we're cool brov, we're cool.

I bought a secret er, recipe for making gold off a monk in er, France.

First of all, you're going to need some eggs.

Whoah, hang on, we's gonna be making gold out of egg?

Which I'm cool with by the way.

Then you're going to need to mix er, the eggs with the horse dung.

Dench!

-And leave it to rot for a little while. -Yeah.

And then you're going need to heat the mixture.

So here's some I prepared earlier.

Oh man, no seriously that smells like my sister's kid's nappy. Ugh!

Oh! Oh is that, and is that supposed to turn into gold?

Don't be ridiculous, no. You take er, some lead.

-Yeah. -And you put the lead in the mixture.

-For real. -And then the lead turns into the gold.

-Right. And it works? -Well, you see for yourself.

I made er, this nice necklace for you.

Er, no, thanks, but no thanks. I ain't wearing that.

You know, I don't believe you've ever made gold out of this recipe for sure.

Well, give me a chance. I've only been trying for eight years.

Right, listen to me, you can't make gold out of egg and poo and lead and tin.

What was I thinking?

-I should have tried eggs and vinegar. -Shut up!

That's what a Belgian alchemist told me. I bought his recipe as well.

Now listen, hold up man. Hold up mate, yeah. Get real.

Look at me in my eye, yeah. No one is ever gonna get minted out of this.

Well, you say that, you should see how much I paid the monk for the recipe.

-Alright, then. -Woo, woo what you doing er?

-Costume, I've only got one of these. -So annoying.

It's true, that Italian fella really tried to make gold out of horse poo.

Ew! Yes, in the Middle Ages some people did some really stupid things.

[music playing]

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪

Blah, blah, blah you're talking rubbish, you two. I'm the star of this show, me.

You two are nobody's.

Oh! I did a funny, nobody's, cos you've got no bodies. [laughs]

I just can't turn it off. Next. Oh goody, three for the price of one. And you are?

Who said that?

-Erm, I did. -And you are?

I asked you first.

How dare you? Answer the question of the King.

-Which King? -I am John, King of Bohemia.

Oh, right, got you. I'm Death by the way.

I would have thought my general look was a dead giveaway.

I'm also known as King John the blind.

Oh, that's embarrassing. But never mind, tell us your story.

So, it is, er, start of hundred year's war, I've allied myself with the French.

It is 1346, we are lining up against the English

and the Welsh at the Battle of Crecy.

Sounds crazy.

Okay, it's a bit of a disadvantage being blind in battle as you can imagine.

As I can imagine.

So I asked my bodyguards to tie their horses to my horse with horse reins.

-[laughs] -And then I can be directed at the enemy

so I charged full headlong into the battle.

-And, how did that work out for you? -Not so good, we were all slain.

[laughs]

Oh, sorry, I'm late for battle, I got a bit tied up. You know with the reins.

-Er, we weren't late. -Whatever!

-You're through to the afterlife. -Yeah, it doesn't work.

Alright, alright, I was a bit strapped for a joke. Oh!

Strapped like you're strapped to them.

-That kind of works. -Show him out you two.

Now which way are we going guys, you gotta tell me?

I like this guy. [laughs] I like...

Yeah, it's true, my tied up joke was a bit ropey.

[laughs]

I'm like a laugh machinegun, laugh, laugh.

Reload, laugh, laugh, laugh. No. Oh!

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you. Hoo, hoo! ♪

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

Morning Chivers, riffing hot day, what, I need a swim.

Er, madam I'm not sure you should...

Oh stuff and nonsense, I'm a member of the Carlton Ladies Club

and I will go for a swim in my club's pool when I blooming well want to. -But, madam have you not heard? -Room for a small one.

-[woman] Oh! -They've drained the pool.

They're keeping pigs in it to help the war effort.

Good for them.

[pig farts]

Oh, does this mean they're members?

I don't know what the fuss is all about? I love swimming in poo. [laughs]

It's true though, the ladies Carlton Club did keep pigs in the swimming pool.

With a war on, the government needed everybody to help produce food.

Welcome to Homefront Gardening with me, Alan Smallbog.

And what a delightful ornamental garden we find ourselves in today.

It's the proud work of one Margery Brighton Belle. Hello, Margery.

Good morning, Alan, it's a pleasure to have you here. Thank you. Now, what we're going to be doing today

is making some small changes to your garden.

To bring it up to date with what's going on in the wartime gardening scene.

We want to see the sort of thing that you might find

in the gardens of Buckingham Palace itself.

Well, that sounds lovely.

Well take these gorgeous roses and chrysanthemums.

Well, that has taken eight years of tender loving

and care to get them blooming just right.

So, let's just get rid of them

and replace them with these.

Carrots and turnips.

But that won't work at all, the whole garden will be completely unbalanced.

You can't plant carrots and turnips in my ornamental flower bed?

You're not wrong Margery, best just dig them all up.

That'll look horrible.

That's as maybe, but just think of all the food you'll be growing.

There's a war on, people are hungry.

You said it was going to be like the King's garden at Buckingham Palace.

-It is, it's what he's doing there. -What?

He's setting an example.

The country needs food and you can't eat chrysanthemums.

Just follow the details on this handy government "Dig for Victory" pamphlet

and plant veg where your posh flowers used to be.

But this is the wrong time of year to be planting these vegetables.

And these need to be spaced further apart.

This government pamphlet is giving people completely the wrong instructions.

Huh, so it is, we needn't have dug up your beautiful flowers.

Are you sure you can't eat chrysanthemums,

-Alan? -Why?

'Cos you're going to eat these.

-What? -Come here you.

-That's a... -You've ruined our garden.

[narrator] Potty Pioneers.

History really was horrible. Especially, in the Stone Age.

Now if you want horrible, check us Romans out.

No, Saxon times were the worst.

I think you'll find we Stuarts had it really bad.

Oh, chill out guys, there's always been horrible history. Get a load of this.

[soft music playing]

♪ Stone Age brought you speech ♪

[Stone Age lady] ♪ Farms, the wheel and fire ♪

♪ Then metal was explored Which meant we could make swords ♪

♪ To kill and build empires ♪

♪ Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? ♪

♪ Pharaoh's tombs lovely shrines? ♪

♪ But some were living graves For hundreds of poor slaves ♪

♪ And pig's eye was our cure For the blind ♪

♪ Greek Civilisation our creation ♪

♪ Drama and philosophy ♪

♪ But, Sparta praised lying Celebrated dying ♪

♪ And Hippocrates drank wee ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We brought you bloodshed ♪

♪ Greek excursions To battle the Persians ♪

♪ Disembowelling our dead ♪

♪ Together we made the world A little bit grim ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Could be fairly dim ♪

♪ We Romans brought you roads ♪

♪ And public medicine ♪

♪ Gladiator fighting Feeding men to Lions ♪

♪ Burning Christians That kinda thing you know ♪ ♪ Then came the Middle Ages ♪

♪ Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts ♪

♪ A time of invasion Feudalism, Famine and ♪

♪ Black Death, bubos and welts ♪

♪ 1066 saw Harold in a fix As William Conquered all ♪

♪ What was the bettin' An arrow in his retina ♪

♪ Would lead to his downfall? ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We brought invasion and strife ♪

♪ We attacked monasteries ♪

♪ Said give us gold please ♪

♪ Then we took your life ♪

♪ Our crusades manslaughter Wherever we'd go ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Was it pretty? No ♪

♪ Tudor Stuart Georgian monarchs Next in line ♪

♪ Brought progress in science and art ♪

♪ Also beheadings, burnings, Civil War ♪

♪ Greed and colonies for a start ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ We gave you plague and disease ♪

♪ Travelled, found the Incans ♪

♪ Spread smallpox in a blink ♪

♪ And brought them to their knees ♪

♪ Dogs, Cats and the French blamed ♪

♪ For Plague along the way ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Not such happy days ♪ ♪ Victorian technology went Hand in hand with poverty ♪

♪ Kids up chimneys and down mines ♪

♪ Improvements to the world did pick up Despite some violent hiccups ♪

♪ Two World Wars, millions died ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ Our times smelly and gory ♪

♪ We reigned over you And told you what to do ♪

♪ And that is this story ♪

♪ Thought we were amazing ♪

♪ Though you may quibble ♪

♪ We're history ♪

♪ And we made it horrible ♪

♪ We're history ♪