Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories ♪

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

[lip synching police vehicle siren]

Sergeant Bones, Historical Road Traffic Accident Squad.

I got demoted, I don't wanna talk about it. Major cycling incident,

two people involved.

I'm talking into a tape recorder, so it doesn't look like I'm talking to self.

[groans] I say.

It's pretty obvious what happened here, your two bicycles crashed into each other.

Two bicycles, no, no, we were on a velocipede.

You were riding together on one bike, but there's four wheels.

A velocipede has four wheels.

I was on the passenger seat at the front.

Oh yes I see, there are two seats here, hang on a minute, what's this?

The drawing board.

We hired it from Crystal Palace,

they're all fitted with drawing boards there.

She's good at it, aren't you dear?

Oh, Arthur.

And quick, by the look of it.

Hold on, there's an umbrella here.

You've clearly hit a pedestrian?

No, that was the parasol, you can't carry an umbrella on a bicycle.

You mean, it's fitted with a sunshade.

-Of course! -We don't wanna get sunburned, do we?

Uh-huh. Foul play, just as I suspected.

Your velocipede has had its brakes removed.

-Velocipedes don't have brakes. -What!

To stop them you have to jump off and run alongside.

Crashing it into a tree does pretty much the same job, though.

You mean to tell me you ride around on this thing with four wheels, two seats,

a drawing board and a sunshade, but no brakes?

Why, yes.

Note to self. I quit.

That's it, I'm gonna write that novel.

In Victorian times, jobs could also be very dangerous,

especially in the coal mines, and that wasn't just for the miners.

Happy birthday, Lilly.

[gasps] Just what I always wanted.

♪ My Little Pit Pony! ♪

[narrator woman] My Little Pit Pony fits perfectly

in the coal mine tunnel.

In fact, she fits so perfectly that she can't even turn around.

But she doesn't know, she's got a big leather hat on

that only let's her see straight ahead.

♪ My Little Pit Pony! ♪

Careful Lilly, you don't want your My Little Pit Pony

to get hurt in a rock fall or an explosion in the mine.

Don't be silly mummy,

it's just what happens to pit ponies.

[narrator woman] My Little Pit Pony comes in all colours,

black, grey and blacky grey.

Mummy, can I have a pink one?

Well, that is a pink one, underneath all the coaly muck.

[narrator woman] My Little Pit Pony mine tunnel is sold separately

and comes with channels in the floor for My Little Pit Pony's feet

and a groove in the ceiling for My Little Pit Pony's head.

I love you, My Little Pit Pony.

[narrator] Buy now, while pony's last.

[narrator] Awful Egyptians.

In ancient Egypt, we took great care in preparing the dead

for their journey to the afterlife,

so there was a lot to do when organising a funeral.

[narrator woman] This week on Don't tell the Corpse

we meet Fadil, who's been given the challenge of planning the funeral of his wife's relative.

But does she think he'll be able to pull it off? [Fadil's wife] I do hope Fadil thinks of everything

for my uncle Amon's journey into the afterlife.

But, he didn't like my uncle much.

Actually, if I'm honest, nobody liked him.

[narrator woman] With no previous experience of organising funerals,

Fadil has enlisted the help of ancient Egyptian funeral planner, Tutmose.

And, if it's mummification you're after, we've processes to suit everybody.

At the top end, you can have the deceased intestines

removed by a professional embalmer.

At the bottom end, so to speak,

we can dissolve their guts with the injection of cedar oil,

you know, right up the--

Thank you, I'd worked that out already.

I think we'll go with the professional embalmer.

Excellent choice. Sorry.

I don't know why I'm saying sorry, he's dead.

[narrator woman] Fadil has nearly blown all his budget on embalming,

and there's still loads to sort out.

Oh no, uncle Amon. Who's gonna be there for me? [cries]

There, there love, don't, don't cry.

-It's gonna be alright. -That'll do beset.

-Huh? -She's one of our professional moaners.

You can hire them for the funeral.

Uncle Amon, bring him back.

Well, she certainly is very convincing.

Our professional mourners

can make even the most loathsome individuals seem popular.

-I'll take half a dozen. -Good choice.

[narrator woman] With the congregation hired, Fadil must now buy items

to put in uncle Amon's tomb for his journey to the afterlife.

Now, what do you get for the corpse who's got everything?

I bet he hasn't got one of these?

He wasn't a child, she'll kill me if I buy him a toy.

This is no toy.

This is the very latest in underworld transport.

In the afterlife, it turns into a full-sized boat

and these model slaves become real slaves to do the hard work for you.

Wow, I'll take it. Right, that's that sorted.

And the journey is a long one, he'll be needing some food.

This mummified meat comes in its own coffin.

-Oh, alright, but that's definitely it. -Wax hair gel.

Especially made for mummies.

The afterlife is forever, you want your uncle to look his best.

I didn't actually like him that much,

-but, you know. -Mummified cat, they're very popular.

Ushabtiu dolls. Musical instruments, magical bricks.

[narrator woman] Finally, it's the day of the funeral. But, will Fadil's wife approve of his choices?

And will her unpopular uncle get the send off he deserves?

That Fadil, you've actually done a great job.

To think, I thought uncle Amon was really unpopular.

This is his burial chamber.

Uncle Amon had a massive ornate burial tomb made for himself over there.

We're going the wrong way?

Oh no, there's been a slight change of plan.

You see, I rather like the look of uncle Amon's tomb,

so I thought we'd move him to this smaller underground hole

and then we can have his one when we die.

-[crowd mourning] -[woman] Uncle Amon! [cries]

If we steal his tomb, won't all his friends be furious?

Oh no, no, that's not a problem, no, watch this.

Okay, thanks very much everyone, you can go now. All the best.

Oh, right, I see, well, in that case let's bung him in the hole.

[Fadil laughs]

Oh.

[both grunting]

Much of what we know about the ancient Egyptians

comes from their tombs and temples,

and from the complicated hieroglyphic writing on the walls.

[narrator] Hieroglabble,

it's the great new hieroglyph based word game for all the family.

-Your go. -I can't go.

-Why not? -I can't read hieroglyphs.

Me neither, and neither can virtually anyone else in ancient Egypt.

[narrator] Hieroglabble, it's ancient Egyptian word game

for virtually no one except the priesthood,

because they're the only people who can understand it.

Your go.

Oh. Owl,

lion, basket,

horned viper. 24 points, please.

You can't just go chucking any picture down just because it's sounds like a word.

Have you not read the rules?

[narrator] Warning, rules will take years to learn.

I've done nothing but learn hieroglyphics since the age of five

and I end up playing with you. You're a waste of time, you, shove off.

[narrator] And coming soon, new Advanced Hieroglabble,

with all the glyphs from the later Greco Roman period.

Meaning you can play with around 5000 different tiles!

We're gonna need a bigger board.

[narrator] Hieroglabble, the new game from Nile Valley

that almost no-one can play.

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪

[laughs]

Your brain was removed through your nose, hm.

It certainly explains a lot. Next!

And you are?

Pliny the Elder,

Roman Military Commander, author, philosopher and naturalist.

I am greatly interested in natural and geographic phenomenon,

so much so that I've actually written my own scroll, Naturalis Historia.

-No book plugs on my show. -Available in all good scroll shops.

-And now! -Anyway,

I was in charge of a Roman fleet based near the volcano, Mount Vesuvius.

[imitates buzzer]

Isn't Mount Vesuvius the volcano that erupted

and destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii?

The very same.

He shoots, he scores a goal. [laughs]

I felt the tremors from the volcano

and I took my fleet to investigate.

We were greeted by most spectacular sight of the volcano erupting.

-Have you ever seen one? -No.

But, er, mummy here does have a bit of a temper. What?

Well, it is absolutely breathtaking.

I ordered my galley to evacuate the locals

when I received a message from a friend of mine

asking to be rescued.

So, I took a smaller, faster vessel

in order to try to reach the shore as quickly as possible.

Uh-huh.

Cinders and pumice began to rain down upon us,

so much so that my helmsman feared for our safety

and advised us to turn around.

To which I said,

"Fortune favours the brave."

Oh! I know that saying, now, who was it that said it?

-Me, I said it. -[imitates buzzer] You, you said it.

I knew that, I did. Shh.

Once we were ashore, the wind became so strong that we couldn't leave.

And I died of toxic poisoning from the volcano fumes.

[laughs]

Fortune favours the brave.

-Volcanoes favour the cowardly, mate. [laughs]

[stutters] Well, yes they do.

Pliny the Elder, Pliny the plonker more like.

Oh, I'm on fire today.

No offence. [laughs]

You're through to the afterlife.

I'll just leave this here, it's a copy of my scroll.

Naturalis Historia.

Thanks, mate.

Now, get out before I change my mind.

-Alright, I'm running. -Run faster.

Honestly, I don't think you're the only one

who's had their brain removed.

Him, him, I was talking about him. Next.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪ [laughs]

[narrator woman] There were also lots of stupid ways to die in the Roman arena.

Emperor Commodus liked pretending he was a gladiator,

but while he fought with a sword, he’d arm his opponents with what?

A, sponges,

B, sticks,

or C, stones?

The answer is, A.

They didn't stand a chance.

Real Roman gladiators were highly trained and very valuable.

[yelling in anger]

Calm it down. Maximus, you calm it down.

-Good morning. -Morning.

Simple challenge this week, I gave both teams a highly trained gladiator,

and all you lot had to do was to use him to make as much money as possible.

So, what was your strategy, Team Maximus?

-Well, Lord Sugar, what we-- -Er, Emperor, Emperor Sugar.

I like the sound of it.

Well, Emperor Sugar,

knowing how valuable a trained gladiator is,

we made sure the Maximus started fighting untrained and unarmed slaves.

Good plan, minimise the risk of serious injury.

Then, as soon as he gained a reputation for chopping people up

we let him fight trained gladiators, but we made sure

that the wounds they inflicted on Maximus here were not lethal.

That way, we could spill plenty of blood, but Maximus here lived to fight another day.

So, basically Karen, your team fixed their fights.

-In a way, yes. -Disgraceful, I like your style.

Well, Maximus' reputation now guarantees sell-out crowds

wherever he fights, and they've also got him to do

some rather lucrative product endorsements. Have a look at this.

Oh, right, yeah.

I am Maximus Decimus Meridius,

Commander of the armies of the north,

father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,

and I will only ever wash with Jupiter's Olive Oil.

Hm, so smooth.

No. I like it, right you lot, what did you do with your gladiator?

Our strategy was, let's think big, huh?

Yeah, we wanted to put on a real spectacle for the crowds,

man versus beast.

So, our gladiator versus a tiger.

Yeah, and how did that work out for you?

-We sold out the arena, sir. -And what happened to the gladiator?

Oh, he's right here. Well, what's left of him anyway.

Are you having a giraffe?

Can I just say that man versus beast was actually his idea?

Yeah, I didn't mean a tiger did I? I meant like a badger or something.

-You never said badger. -Well you should--

Alright, alright, shut it, alright?

The only person I wanna hear talking right now is me.

I like my own voice. Let me get this straight.

You took a very expensive gladiator

and got him killed in his first arena fight?

Not only that, but they also failed to sell his blood.

You, what?

Gladiator blood is a well-known Roman medicine, thought to cure epilepsy,

they could have sold it for a tidy profit.

Team Maximus on the other hand,

have been bottling their gladiators' sweat.

Romans believed it made you young and powerful.

-You should try some. -Do I look like I need any of that stuff?

You can give some to Nick. Right, I've heard enough,

Team Maximus, you've created a hugely profitable one man industry,

whereas Team Minimus here

all you've got left is a dead gladiator and a tiger with the runs.

It doesn't take a genius to work out what I'm gonna say next.

Team Minimus.

You're fired. Team Maximus, congratulations!

You've got yourself two ringside seats to the next gladiator games,

where you'll get to see Maximus here decimate these two idiots.

In fact, do you know what? Let's just do it now. Maximus, get them.

[indistinct yelling]

Oh, it's exciting.

-I love a blood sport, don't you, Karen? -Absolutely.

It's true! Roman gladiators were very famous

and were often used to advertise products.

In many ways, gladiators were the footballers of their day.

Although, they'd only roll about on the floor screaming

if they'd had their leg ripped off by a tiger. [narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

In Georgian times our jails were so overcrowded

we decided to ship the smelly convicts far, far away.

But, setting up a colony in Australia that turned out to be rather hard work.

As you know Finch, when we landed our ships we only carry enough food

to provide for us until we can start to farm the land, so how's that going?

Not good, sir, and we really should have bought

more skilled farmers and livestock.

We've got to sort this out, man,

without food supplies, more people are going to die.

[groans]

My point, exactly. Well, I suppose no one said setting up

Australia's first ever British Colony was going to be easy.

Still, I'm sure the second fleet will show up any day now.

Stuffed to the gunnels with supplies. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

-Governor Philip. -Yes.

Captain Hill, second fleet.

[both in synch] Boy, am I glad to see you.

[both laughing]

[both] I'm afraid conditions which we are in are rather dire.

[both] Well we've had it worse, we've lost half our people to disease.

[both] What? You too? Then there's the lice and the starvation.

[both] But, we thought you'd be our salvation.

[both] Us? No, we thought you would.

[both] Well, what are we gonna do?

I guess we'll just have to wait for the third fleet.

I was just going to say that.

-How weird. -Yeah.

The long journey to Australia was tough going

and conditions on board ship were disgusting.

So the rats must have loved it.

[laughs]

And things got even worse when you arrived.

Oh yes, in Georgian times you really wouldn't want to go down under.

♪ In Britain's Georgian times ♪

♪ There were so many crimes ♪

♪ No time to hang each crook Guilty of a felony ♪

♪ Cos there's no room to jail you ♪ ♪ They'd send you to Australia ♪

♪ To live in a new fangled penal colony ♪

♪ Think that sounds like heaven? ♪

♪ In 1787 ♪

♪ It wasn't that kinda Once in a lifetime trip ♪

♪ First fleet took the journey ♪

♪ Months at sea so churny ♪

♪ Over forty died while They were on the ship ♪

♪ Those that lived were plucky ♪

♪ Plucky, plucky, plucky ♪

♪ Crammed on board with rats and vermin ♪

♪ Cockroaches in bed ♪

♪ Stench inside was sicky ♪

♪ Yucky, yucky icky ♪

♪ Lice not very nice Can't get them out of my head ♪

♪ Landed Bay of Botany ♪

♪ Convicts' life was rotten-y ♪

♪ Needed food and shelter But everything failed ♪

♪ Trees too strong for felling ♪

♪ Stagnant water smelling ♪

♪ A real step back in time In New South Wales ♪

♪ Soil too poor for budding ♪

♪ Huts washed up by flooding ♪

♪ Plans for building houses Came to sticky ends ♪

♪ The best of all their labours ♪

♪ Attacked by local neighbours ♪

♪ And that is when your neighbours Don't become good friends ♪

♪ Situation tricky ♪

♪ Tricky, tricky, tricky ♪

♪ Then a second fleet of ships Was due aground ♪

♪ Some thought this was lucky ♪

♪ But illness had struck-y ♪

♪ Half were dead or ill, fever was Spinning around ♪

♪ After seven years ♪

♪ Convict record clears ♪

♪ Just one catch, you gotta Pay your own way back ♪

♪ No wages meant no money ♪

♪ No choice but what's funny ♪

♪ Many stayed, became farmers And made a stack ♪

♪ Original arrivers ♪ ♪ Proved hardy survivors ♪

♪ Sydney turned into a place You'd choose to go ♪

♪ Think that they'd be fairer ♪

♪ To convicts who were sent there ♪

♪ No way, they built prisons Even more remote ♪

♪ Port Arthur was one of the jails ♪

♪ Where every escape attempt fails ♪

♪ Was one man who nearly got through ♪

♪ Billy Hunt dressed as a kangaroo ♪

♪ Inmate's life still sucky ♪

♪ Sucky, sucky, sucky ♪

♪ Life behind bars was not very nice ♪

♪ Hideous and messy ♪

♪ Who would ever guessy ♪ ♪ This hellhole would become a ♪

Holiday paradise?

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

[humming]

[humming]

Back from Munich. Very nice curry-wurst.

Oh, and good meeting with Hitler.

I think it’s peace for our time.

Just send that.

Oh responses already. Well done. Wonderful news.

Hm, Winston Churchill. I bet he wants to congratulate me as well.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Hello, I think you'll find I've just averted another world war.

Hitler has signed this piece of paper

saying that if we let him have the Sudetenland

he promises not to expand into any other countries.

You can't trust Adolf Hitler, he's already forced Austria to unify with Germany,

plus he has a ridiculous moustache.

Hitler says no one wants another world war, not even Germany.

I mean, they lost the first one.

And it's not as if it's best of three, is it?

Appeasement is the right choice.

War is the right choice.

Hitler is planning an invasion, mark my words.

Whatever.

Oh, what's this? Invasion advisor review of Czechoslovakia

by A. Hitler33.

Slightly worrying.

"Delighted we chose to invade

this beautiful and politically unstable country.

Definitely worth invading if you’re in the area."

Oh! No need to panic Neville,

a lot of these invasion advisor reviews are fake.

Still, better just check who's on our side, just in case.

Good, eh, good.

What! Nazi Germany has allied itself with fascist Italy.

Oh no, better make some more allies, quick.

Ah! Poland, perfect. We'll agree to protect them.

So maybe in the future they'll repay us with reasonably priced builders.

Oh, not again.

Don't, don't say it.

-Told you so. -Look, I'm strengthening out alliances.

I've already got Poland, I'm waiting for Russia to...

What? We're not getting involved.

-Oh, dear. -What's the problem with that?

Well, it means that Germany doesn't have to defend its Russian border.

They can throw all of their troops in our direction. What are you doing?

Er, nothing, nothing. Look, Hitler promised.

-There's no way he's going to-- -Invade our new ally Poland?

By golly, this fellow's so hard not to declare war against.

You were given the choice between war and dishonour,

you chose dishonour and you will have war.

I think I preferred "I told you so".

Ah, war. Are you sure? Yes.

Are you sure you're sure? Yes.

What you need now is a canny politician.

One who was in the war cabinet during the First World War,

and has the top score on minesweeper in the Foreign Office. Me!

Okay, Winston, I'll make you First Lord of the Admiralty.

I thought you'd never ask.

Budge up. Oh, it's the latest House of Commons opinion poll.

Do you still support Chamberlain?

-Do you want to be prime minister, then? -Yes, please.

You still here.

Ugh, and fetch me a cigar. In fact, make it two.

Oh, I like it.

Might come in useful one day.

Churchill may have been one of Britain's best wartime leaders,

but he was also very witty.

Take a look at some of his funniest jokes. At ease.

[narrator] Out now on DVD, it's Britain's Wittiest Man.

-It's Prime Minister Winston Churchill. -[crowd clapping]

Yes, really.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you

and fails and then asks you not to kill him.

-[crowd laughing] -[narrator] Britain's wartime genius

is also a comedy genius.

[Churchill] Eating my own words has never given me indigestion.

[narrator] Featuring all the legendary quips

of the original master of the one liner.

-I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks. -[crowd laughing]

[narrator] Enjoy the king of the put down in action.

-My baby looks like you. -All babies look like me.

-Sir, you are drunk. -Madam, you are ugly.

In the morning, I shall be sober.

Get off, you're rubbish.

Er, stop interrupting me while I'm interrupting you.

[crowd chatter]

I'm here all week, then I'm in my bunker.

[narrator] Yes, it's Britain's favourite sit down, stand-up.

-[crowd applause] -Why stand, when you can sit?

[narrator] Out now, price two shillings and sixpence and two rationing coupons.

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

When the Normans conquered England,

let's just say they didn't always see eye to eye with the locals.

I'm out of here, argh.

Welcome to Great Historical Country Walks.

Today, we'll be taking a gentle stroll

through the Northern English countryside of 1070,

a period made famous for the Harrowing of the North.

A lovely sounding thing which I imagine has something to do with farming.

Just look at the beautiful rolling hills,

the lush green pastures and just around the corner

the picturesque medieval Yorkshire village... I think we might have taken a wrong turn.

Um, left at the tree, right at the river.

No, this seems to be the right place, It's just strange,

there's supposed to be a village of 200 people here.

Um, let's just go and ask this local.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Winthorpe.

The Normans, they killed everybody. Destroyed the village.

Oh, dear me, um, we'd best press on to York.

Could you point that out to me, please?

[groans]

Right, so, York is over there by that massive bonfire.

Actually, I think York is that massive bonfire.

[screaming] The Normans are coming. They're destroying the town.

They're killing everyone.

They're completely harrowing the place. [screaming]

So, that's what harrowing means.

Um, that's all from Great Historical Country Walks.

Time for Great Historical Country Runs.

When Northern earls rebelled against William the Conqueror

he took his revenge. He destroyed much of the north

and was responsible for the deaths of over a 100,000 people.

It was called The Harrowing of the North.

The ground was also sown with salt so nothing would grow.

Which was called The Harrowing of the Slugs.

[laughs]

No wonder Saxons were desperate to fit in with their new Norman rulers.

Well, this is er, tres pleasant.

[laughs]

This is fabulous food.

Er, any chance you could pass the cow?

Oh, non, non, non.

Cows are dirty things with udders.

What we're eating here is boeuf.

Isn't that right, cherie?

Whatever.

-Any chance you could pass the boeuf? -Bravo. [laughs]

-Thank you, Mary. -Oh, Marie. [laughs]

Oh, okay.

Is there any more of the pig?

Oh really, Lawrence, tout alors?

Do please excuse my husband's Anglo Saxon, its pork.

Since when?

Since 1066 when William the Conqueror invaded England

and we educated people, started talking French

or rather slipping the odd word, or should I say mot in here and there.

Just to show we're not complete peasants.

Or churls as Lawrence still insists on calling them.

Well, er, we both think it's a fabulous idea to

um, impresse the new Francais,

don't we, Jerry?

Oh yes, we certainly do.

Any chance you could pass the mouton?

-Bravo encore. -[Mary and Jerry laugh]

That's the sheep.

-Do you always have to embarrasse me? -You what?

-It's pardon. -Does anyone else need a drink?

Oh, could you not at least try and say beverage?

No, I couldn't Mary,

because I'm an Anglo Saxon. I eat food, not dinner.

And I hunt, I don't chase.

And when I break wind...

[Lawrence farts]

-Oh. -It makes a smell, not an odour.

Lawrence.

Well, listen, I think we'd best beat the traffic, er--

Oh no, oh please, don't departe.

But, you haven't had any pudding, I mean dessert?

Oh well, thanks a lot.

Mon plesure, cherie.