Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about all new Roman Baths.

After a hard day watching your slave do all the work,

why not de-stress in a range of temperature controlled baths.

It's freezing. [inhales]

It's supposed to be. It's called the "Frigidarium".

Now, this room is boiling.

Of course it is, this is the steam room or "Caldarium".

Where's the nice temperature area?

-You mean "Tepidarium"? -Yeah, that one.

Not telling you.

-You're starting to get annoying, mate. -I get that a lot.

Or you can relax in the library.

-Shh! -Or you can relax in the library.

And there's a state of the art security system

to make sure your clothes aren't stolen.

It's a slave.

[exhales] I didn't have enough change for the slave, someone's nicked my toga.

At least the library's useful for something.

Oh, oh.

Whether you're meeting your friends, meeting for business

or just doing your business.

-Tell me you're not? -I most certainly am. [grunts]

The Roman baths is the place to come and just look at the results.

Before slightly dirty.

After, covered in blood, excrement, pus and wee.

I'm covered in what?

So come to the Roman Baths today.

And when I say today, I mean this morning.

The water isn't changed all day.

So by the afternoon, it's disgustingly dirty.

And don't miss your chance to get 25% off.

Just take a Roman Bath with an open wound on your leg

catch gangrene from the dirty water and get 25% off.

Yes, get your leg chopped off to prevent the gangrene from spreading.

You can find it all in new Roman Baths.

Yeah I've just been for a Roman Bath, now I need a good wash.

Get away from me, Marco.

[laughs]

Did you know, Romans didn't use soap? Hm, something we have in common.

Instead they used to clean themselves with olive oil

which they'd scrape off with a small metal tool called a stridgel.

Hm. Romans were a really advanced society, but they were surprisingly superstitious.

[music playing]

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you. Ha hee ♪

No, no a pine nut, it's very nice in salads. Next!

I said next! Anybody there?

Come on we haven't got forever, well we have actually, but that's not the point.

Oh, there you are. Look we can see you mate, you may as well come on out.

There's nobody to fear here, it's just me, Death and a couple of skeletons.

Sorry, I'm just a bit paranoid about people trying to kill me. What was that?

Well, I've got some good news for you, mate.

Your worries are over, you're already dead, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

-Oh, yeah. -So, who are you anyway?

Oh, oh, Domitian, Roman Emperor Domitian.

And you're paranoid someone wants to kill you, yeah?

-Who told you that? -You did just then.

Oh yeah, I suppose I did, yeah.

Yeah, I had all of the marble in my palace cleaned so shiny it was like a mirror.

So, I could see any strangers approaching.

-Watch out, behind you! -Oh!

[laughs] I'm messing with you mate, I do that sometimes.

So, what made you so paranoid?

When I was younger, soothsayers foretold the exact year,

day and hour when I would die.

Hey, I'm a fortune teller, too. I predict that this death is gonna be stupid.

Yes, very good. As you can imagine, when the predicted day came

-I was like super duper paranoid. -As you would be.

It was foretold that I would be killed at midday,

so I spent the whole morning in dread,

until my attendants came and told me that 12 o'clock had long passed.

The soothsayer was wrong.

I was so much relieved, I went for a bath and...

Oh, and er, you were scalded to death?

Erm, drowned in the bath, in the toilets,

slipped on the soap, er, swallowed a loofah? No, no, I was killed by an assassin.

But I thought it was long gone midday?

So, did I. It turns out my attendants had lied about the time.

The soothsayers were right, I was killed at 12 on the dot.

You, they lied to you. [laughs]

Oh, what time did you think it was? 12 hurty.

-Well around then, yeah. -Not 12:30, hurty, 12 hurty.

-[laughs] You're through to the afterlife. -Thanks very much.

-Assassin. -Ah!

-[laughs] I'm messing with you, mate. -Quite a joker.

You're already dead, chillax man.

Oh, sometimes I love my job, I do though, I really do.

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪

Hoo, hoo!

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

Factory bosses in Victorian times could be very mean

and working conditions were appalling.

But it wasn't all bad, a few employers

actually wanted to improve the lives of their workers. It was jolly good.

[narrator] In this week's episode of Victorian Undercover Proprietor.

Sir Titus Salt has gone into the mills where he made his fortune.

He's disguised as one of the workers

to see what life is really like for his employees.

So, what's it like to work in my, this factory?

-Noisy. -Sorry I can't here you, it's too noisy.

I know, it's noisy. It's smoggy too, it gets into the lungs.

Sorry.

[sneeze]

I see, the smog gets into your lungs.

-No, it gets into the lungs. -What?

What?

[narrator] Titus has finally got the message about the terrible conditions

his employees work in, and their living conditions aren't much better.

Wife, kids, here's the new bloke I was telling you about. New bloke, wife, kids.

Pleased to meet you. Could I possibly use your lavatory?

Our what atory?

A lavatory, a small room outside you use to er, do your business.

-Your business. -No, it's not my business, er.

I'm just a humble worker.

Oh you said er, do your business?

Yes, er, toilet, er, small room you use to poo in?

Oh!

Disgusting, just go in the back yard like everybody else.

-Okay. -Oh, will you not stay for your tea?

I'd love to, oh, what is for tea?

I think it's, er, nothing tonight. We can't afford it.

Luckily we're not that hungry,

cos all the cotton fluff from the mill gets in our bellies. [heavily sneeze]

-I wish you wouldn't do that. -I am sorry.

[narrator] Not wanting to spend any longer living with them than he absolutely has to

Titus has decided it's already time to reveal his true identity to the family.

I expect you're wondering why I brought you here?

I'm not a humble mill worker.

I am in fact the owner of these here mills, Sir Titus Salt.

-No! -I knew it.

I knew that were a disguise, as soon as I saw the daft fake beard.

-Ouch. -So sorry.

It's alright. Over this past week, well day,

I've experienced first hand the hardships of working in one of my mills.

I've seen how tough it is for you to live in such a horrible,

dirty, filthy, cramped, disgusting little hovel.

-Steady on. -So, I'm going to build a new village.

And I'm going to call it, Saltaire. And it'll be a model village.

-We'll never fit in. -Not that sort of model village!

It'll be the model of all a village should be.

Everything you could possible want

will be there - fresh air, a hospital, a church. Even a reading room.

-We can't read. -Aye!

But your children will be able to. For there will be a school there.

-Oh! -And you'll even have your own lavatory.

Why would anyone want a small room to poo in?

And I shall build a new cleaner mill nearby where you can work for me.

I'm not being funny, but what's in it for you?

Well happy healthy people make better workers.

-You got yourself a deal. -Alright.

-Just one question. -Fire away my friend.

-Are you sure that's not a fake beard? -Don't push it. [narrator] Next week on Victorian Undercover Proprietor

Lord Lever reveals his plans to build his factory workers houses

which have bathrooms.

-What's a bathroom? -It's a small room with a bath in it.

-What's a bath? -It's where you wash yourself with soap.

What's soap?

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

A number of Victorian bosses, er, Sir Titus Salt, the Lever Brothers,

Joseph Rowntree and George Cadbury, created cleaner, better accommodation

for their factory employees.

But did any of them spare a thought for how this would affect the factory rats?

Not one, it's an absolute scandal.

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

Report, Corporal.

The battle is fierce, sir, we've lost a thousand men.

1001. But then, so have the enemy. So, it's pretty much even Steven.

-Then we fight on to victory. -To victory.

-We will never give up. -Never give up.

With one final push, we will reclaim our bucket.

Reclaim our... Sorry, it sounded like you said reclaim our bucket.

-Yes, reclaim our bucket. -Right, what bucket?

Well, a couple of guys from Modena stole our town's bucket.

In order to get it back, the Pope has insisted we launch a full scale war.

-Over a bucket. -It's a ceremonial bucket.

I don't care if it's a magic bucket, we've lost a thousand men.

-1001. -Sorry mate, 1001.

I thought this was a Holy War, church against Empire,

not some squabble over a bucket.

[grunts]

-Captain, any luck? -No sign of the bucket, sir.

But I did find this cup.

Oh, Liza, I told you,

-it has to be the bucket. -Well, what does it look like?

Well, it's about so big, erm, made of solid oak, it's got a, an opening--

Well, it looks like a bucket!

Well, can't we just buy a new one?

No, this bucket is a symbol of Bologna's civic pride

and we cannot allow those dogs from Modena to take it from us. That is why the Pope has commanded that we get out there and get it back.

-So, get out there and get it back. -As you command.

And make sure you don't damage it.

I don't want a hole in my bucket, dear Liza. [laughs]

Okay, right, on my command then. Charge.

[yelling]

It looks like he kicked the bucket.

Do you think?

Fancy going to war over a bucket.

This next lot were fighting over the Crown of England.

Yes, when Henry I died, his daughter, Matilda wanted to be Queen,

but her cousin Stephen had other ideas. Let battle commence.

[music playing]

♪ Here's the tale of me Matilda ♪

♪ And my fight with cousin Stephen To succeed Henry first's throne ♪

♪ My wife's also called Matilda ♪

♪ Quite confusing cos we choose To claim Matilda's throne's our own ♪

♪ I'm Henry, that Matilda's son ♪

♪ You got that? ♪

♪ Here's the story of our spat ♪

♪ Starts in 1135 ♪

♪ When King Henry, my father, died ♪

♪ And I think you'll find named me ♪

♪ Matilda as his heir ♪

♪ But his nephew Stephen said ♪

♪ That crown should be upon my head ♪

♪ I'm a man and men come first What? ♪

♪ It's only fair ♪

♪ Had married Geoffrey of Anjou ♪

♪ Stuck in France, not Waterloo ♪

♪ When Steve, without a voulez-vous ♪

♪ Took throne from me ♪

♪ Should be Dancing Queen ♪

♪ Oh stop causing such a scene ♪

♪ Gimme gimme crown And take a chance on me ♪

♪ I'm heir to the throne, not you ♪

♪ Aha! ♪

♪ Think you'll get it back Now that I'd like to see ♪

♪ Oh, I do, I do, I do ♪

♪ Fought in Lincoln ♪

♪ She caught me ♪

♪ Was proclaimed first English Lady ♪

♪ But she made many enemies ♪

♪ Remember me? ♪

♪ I'm Stephen's wife ♪

♪ Made Royal counsellors agree ♪

♪ That she lacked femininity ♪

♪ Took Stephen's army and besieged her ♪

♪ Ugh, more strife ♪

♪ I was trapped, so faked my death Hid in coffin, held my breath ♪

♪ -Escaped! -You think that I'm impressed? ♪

♪ Well, I'm not ♪

♪ Just look who I've got ♪

♪ Your half brother ♪

♪ Want to swap? ♪

♪ Gimme gimme hubbie ♪

♪ And we'll fight again ♪

♪ The winner takes it all, ahaa ♪

♪ In Oxford I'll besiege ♪

♪ And I'll escape and then ♪

♪ I'll join the battle call ♪

♪ Age 14, I fought but lost ♪

♪ So uncle Stephen stayed as boss ♪

♪ Who should be ruler, mamma? ♪

♪ Me-a! ♪

♪ Here we go again ♪

♪ Sadly my darling Matilda ♪

♪ Caught a fever and it killed er ♪

♪ I gave up my dream to build-a ♪

♪ Royal dynasty ♪

♪ When my son died ♪

♪ Had no heir which was a bind ♪

♪ Gimme gimme crown Cos next in line it's me ♪

♪ You can have it when I'm done ♪

♪ A-ha! ♪

♪ So Empress Matilda Never did make Queen ♪

♪ The throne went to my son ♪

♪ Knowing mum, knowing you ♪

♪ Everybody happy? Good ♪

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

The Georgian era saw a revolution in industry.

You might call it an Industrial Revolution.

Why make textiles by hand when you can invent a machine

to make them for you.

[dramatic music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

Morning.

-Morning, Lord Sugar. -Hi.

This week's task was all about making dosh,

which is all our tasks are about, so I'll be more specific, Karen.

I asked you to made dosh from textiles. So what's the name of your team, Karen?

-Yes, that's right. -No, what's the name?

-Indeed, it is. -No, what is it called?

-It's what. -I asked first.

No, as in team Watt, as in James Watt the Scottish inventor and engineer.

That's my name, don't wear it out.

-Well, don't I look stupid? -Aye.

No, I don't. You're the one that looks stupid cos you got a stupid name.

Nick, please tell me your team's got a more sensible name?

-Team Jenny. -Oh, that's much better.

So, I'm guessing you're Jenny?

No, I'm Mary, er, the jenny refers to our spinning jenny.

-What? -Eh.

Sorry, can I get a rewind? Is it me or is she talking nonsense?

The spinning jenny is a machine, Lord Sugar.

A multi spool spinning frame.

Is it me or is he talking nonsense?

Basically, erm, it's a, a fancy machine we've just bought which enables me

to make more yarn in less time than ever before.

Hm, I then take Mary's yarn and turn it into fabric on my hand loom

in our little family business is making more fabric than ever before.

Point of fact, Lord Sugar, with the help of the spinning jenny,

this family is massively increased its weekly textile production

-to a whopping three kilos. -Three kilos, that's impressive.

What have you got to say about that, Watt?

The spinning jenny is all well, and good up to a point

but there's a limit to what you can do without more power.

That's where I come in. You heat water, create steam which makes pressure.

Now, I've perfected an engine to harness that power to drive machines.

It's called the Watt Steam engine, named after my good self.

-You, sir, have a massive ego. -Correct.

-You're gonna go far. -Thank you.

What's your story handsome?

I own a textile factory, Lord Sugar.

We use Watt's steam engine to power bigger, faster machines called

spinning mules, to make the yarn

and er, power looms to er, weave the material.

My factory is making even more fabric than ever before actually. It's true, Lord Sugar, with the help of the Watt Steam Engine

the factory business has produced 300 kilos of textiles

that's a staggering 100 times as much as the other team.

So what have you got to say about that, team Mary?

-Team Jenny. -What?

-Eh. -Ours is a family business,

we lovingly craft our textiles.

These factories are just wrong, my wife and I will have nothing to do with them

isn't that right--

-Mind if I come and work for you? -Welcome on board, bump the fist.

-Bomb. -Sorry love, you can't stop progress.

Oh dear, oh dear. So what's left of team Jenny...

-Beep, beep, beep, oh, oh, you're fired. -What?

-Eh. -What?

-What? -Aye, no. What?

[woman narrator] People were very inventive in Georgian times.

What useful thing did the watchmaker Alexander Cummings invent in 1775

that we still use today?

A, a stink trap. B, roller skates, or C, Knicker elastic?

The answer is, A.

A stink trap is a bend in the toilet pipe

that stops smells coming up through the drains. It was a clever idea.

But not all Georgians were quite so sensible.

Check out this politician.

Do you think something needs to be done

about the appalling levels of poverty in Britain today?

Do you worry about healthcare and hospitals and whatnot?

Do you think poor people should be educated

to give them a better chance in life?

No, neither do I.

My name's Mad Jack Mytton and I want you to elect me MP for Shrewsbury.

So I can ride expensive race horses out of windows. Argh nnn...

But that's not all!

If you vote for me, I guarantee I will go naked duck hunting at night.

[animal noises]

[clears throat] But why else should you vote for me?

Well, I'm just an ordinary guy like you.

But, yes, I set myself on fire when I've got the hiccups. Who doesn't?

Worth a try, and like you I also enjoy riding bears. Giddy up.

So, if you want someone honest.

[Jack] Someone with integrity and someone connected with real people

then vote for someone else. Don't care. Work's boring.

Vote for who you like, it won't make any difference, I own the seat

and I'm gonna fix the result anyway.

[yells]

My name's Mad Jack Mytton and I will be MP for Shrewsbury

whether you like it or not. Saddle the bear.

I'm leaving.

[narrator] Troublesome 20th Century.

[news theme music playing]

Hello, and welcome to the News at When, when?

1911 when most of Britain seemed to be on strike.

Including the miners, the dockers and the Transport Union.

We sent our reporter, Jennifer Townsend, to investigate

one of the more unusual strikes.

Oh, sorry, I'm late, the train was delayed

obviously because the transport workers are on strike.

Now, I've got to find the strike leader.

-Hello. -Clear off sonny,

I need to find the strike leader.

Us schoolboys are on strike as well. What do we want?

-Shorter school days. -When do we want them?

-Monday to Friday, ideally. -So your school's come out on strike?

Not just our school, school boys are striking in 60 cities around the country.

If everybody else is striking for better working conditions we should as well.

I see, I've heard that you want better school hours

what are your other demands?

-What do we want? -More holidays.

-When do we want them? -Somewhere sunny would be nice.

We also want to talk about the school leaving age.

Ah, it seems all your demands are about spending less time at school working.

Isn't that what everybody wants?

No, you haven't heard our main demands yet?

Two, four, eight, six, we want more mathematics.

-Shush. -Sorry.

That was just his demand. This is the main one.

Two, four, six, eight, no more canning would be great.

We've had enough of being beaten.

Well, we're not taking anymore, we're making a stand.

Griffiths, you've made your point.

Now, get back to school or they'll be serious trouble.

And that goes for the rest of you as well, come on.

Write out 100 times, I must not strike.

This is Jennifer Townsend reporting for HH TV News

demanding better pay and shorter hours.

See me afterwards, Townsend.

What do I want? More rotten food. When do I want it? Now.

[laughs] Yes, the first schoolboy strike was in Llanelli in Wales.

It didn't last very long, but set off copycat school strikes all round Britain.

Yeah, they loved a good protest in the early 1900's.

[music playing]

-May I help you? -Er, 10 Downing Street?

-Er, yeah. -Delivery for Prime Minister Asquith.

Prime Minister Asquith. So what have you got for the PM?

-Er, just these two packages. -Let me guess,

it's a couple of suffragettes trying to pull another publicity stunt?

[women] No we're not, votes for women, votes for women, votes for women.

I thought so.

Suffragettes, I should have you both locked up.

Well you can't, it's perfectly legal

to have oneself posted via Royal Mail, isn't it?

-Yeah. And.... -You see, perfectly legal.

Anyway, we needed to engineer a meeting with the PM somehow,

in order to speak to him about getting the law changed,

so that women have the right to vote.

Votes for women.

Votes for women, votes for women, votes for women.

If you want a meeting with the Prime Minister,

you have to apply through the correct channels.

What, so he can refuse to see us?

Of course, you're women!

What would be the point in the Prime Minister keeping you happy?

Can't get him re-elected, you haven't got the right to vote.

-Well that's the whole point. -Votes for women.

Votes for women, votes for women, votes for women.

Actually you know what, you are going to get the law changed.

Seriously?

We're going to make it illegal to send people in the mail.

Ugh! Oh!

Ugh!

Posty, return to sender please.

[woman 1] Oh well, it was worth a try.

[women] Votes for women, votes for... Ouch, ouch. Oh!

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

[music playing]

I'm a villain.

I'm a vagrant.

And I used to be a pickpocket.

Until they caught him and chopped his hands off.

-[laughing] -Bring that up, why don't you?

And this is, Real Tudor Hustle.

The show where real Tudor criminals show you real Tudor scams.

-What you doing? -What you doing?

Supposed to be my mate.

[narrator] Coming up. This doodle thinks she's bought herself a nice plump chicken.

Nice and plump cos I sewed its bottom up, so now it's full of poo.

[laughs] Fit to eat. It's fit to burst.

[Tudor lady 1] Oye.

[music playing]

These cod's heads make it all too easy, when we pull this classic Tudor scam. Erm, ladies and gentleman there are pickpockets operating in the area,

so could you all check your valuables, please? Alright.

Now, the thieves know exactly where everyone's keeping their valuables.

[music playing]

A strange woman calls at your house

and says she's friends with the Fairy Queen

sounds too good to be true. It is.

This is Judith Doll Phillips, a notorious Tudor con artist

and she's about to call on her next victim.

Hello, I'm a friend of the Fairy Queen.

Oh, well I suppose you better come in then.

Having easily talked her way into the house, next, Judith has a proposition.

Oh now, I'm sensing there is gold in the house?

Yes, yes there is, I've got lots of gold things.

Yes, but I'm sensing there is secret gold.

There is gold here that you don't know about.

[Tudor lady 2] Oh!

Now I could find it for you, but I'll need you to go and get all the gold

that you do know about and put it in a pile on the floor. Okay?

[music playing]

Just go and sit over there and close your eyes, alright?

Okay.

[door slams]

Can I open them yet?

So remember, with no law keepers around,

you gotta keep your glaziers open, cos if someone's trying to sell you a chicken

and they've got a big "F" on their forehead

it probably don't stand for free range.

-[laughs] Isn't that right me old, what you doing?

-What you doing? -No, no, no.

[yelling]

Crime was rife in Tudor times.

There were even criminal training schools

where you could be taught how to be a pickpocket.

Hey, imagine that, a school for criminals.

You get in trouble for not being naughty. [laughs]

Anyway, if you were caught committing a crime

the Tudor authorities really left their mark.

Come.

-And you are? -Edward Doit.

Edward, you do realise that the job that your applying for

Steward to Lord Buckingham is a very responsible one.

One that requires complete trust?

Well, you're alright there then, cos I am completely trustworthy.

-You're in no way a liar? -No, what makes you think that?

The "P" on your face.

Oh! Well, actually, it's just a birthmark.

I see, it's just having a "P" branded on your forehead

is a well-known Tudor punishment for being a perjurer.

Somebody who lied in court.

Right. Well you're alright, cos as I say it's just a birthmark.

It's just it looks very much like a scar left

by a branding iron on the forehead of a liar?

No, I admit it. It was caused by a branding iron.

-Well, Edward, I'm afraid we can't-- -But, I'm not a perjurer.

And, I'm not a liar, absolutely not no, erm,

I used to work for a blacksmith and he was working on some perjurers one day

and I pulled the branding iron out of the fire and I slipped.

Do you really expect me to believe

that you accidentally branded yourself in the middle of the forehead?

Okay, no that's fine, both my hands are up, it wasn't an accident.

Okay, but the "P" doesn't stand for perjurer. It erm, it stands for a...

Perfect employee.

-Okay, Edward, both hands up, get out. -Okay.

Come.

I thought we'd been through all this.

No, no, no, you are confusing me with my twin brother.

He has a "P" on his head for perjurer

and I have a "B" on my head for... brilliant.

Well, you're exactly the type of person we're looking for.

Congratulations, you've got the job.

Sweet. I mean, sweet. As a nut.