Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Slimy Stuarts!

Oh, hello. Are you a searcher for the dead?

Yes, I am indeed, yeah.

Right. Could I be your apprentice, please?

Erm, yeah, I don't see why not, yeah. Oh, great. I hear it pays well.

You get a four pence finder's fee for every plague victim you identify.

And there's a lot of plague victims.

-[laughs] Yes. -Business has never been better, really.

How do you spot a plague victim then?

You're just looking for a big nasty plague sore, you know.

-What, you mean like, that one there? -Yeah, a bit like that one, yeah.

[coughs]

He's dead!

He's dead from plague!

This is easy. I never-- [gasps]

-Are you the searcher for the dead? -I am now. I just spotted my first deady.

Oh, yeah. Can I be your apprentice, please?

-Yeah, I don't see why not. -I hear it's well paid.

Yes, you get a four pence finder's fee for-- [coughs]

-[laughs] I've got four pence, I got-- -Excuse me.

-Hello. -Are you a searcher for the dead?

I might be. [choking]

Well, you get the idea.

The plague was so serious that public meeting places

including the new Stuart coffee houses were closed down to stop it spreading.

Ten years later, Charles II wanted them closed down again

for another reason altogether.

-Good morning. -Hello.

-I'd like a cup of coffee, please. -What kind of coffee would you like, sir?

-What kinds do you have? -Well, we've got coffee...

-Okay, what sizes do you do? -Well, we do standard...

-One standard sized coffee then, please. -Good choice, coming right up.

Not so fast. Step away from the coffee, please, sir.

I'm sorry?

King Charles II has just had coffee houses banned.

He seems to think people only go to coffee houses

to plot against the monarchy and write rebellious poetry.

I still need something hot.

-What else have you got? -A tea?

That'll do me.

That wasn't rebellious, but it was criminal.

-It's okay to serve tea then? -I suppose so,

but coffee houses are banned. Do I make myself clear?

-Yes. -I'll see you tomorrow then.

-See you tomorrow, Frank. -Love to Gina.

Righty ho. What kind of tea would you like?

-What kind do you have? -Got tea...

One standard sized cup of tea, please.

Very good, sir. What's your name? I'll just write it on this mug.

-I'm the only person in the shop. -"The only person in the shop."

[squeaking]

-You're making that noise with your mouth. -[clears throat]

-That'll be a month's salary. -For a cup of tea?

-It doesn't grow on trees. -Well, it does grow on bushes.

It still has to be shipped from a very long way away.

I just want a hot beverage.

Well, then you'll be pleased to hear that King Charles has changed his mind

and lifted the ban. He was worried that it might make him unpopular.

And we all know what happened to his dad when he became unpopular.

Well, tell the King he's very smart and in no way at all a silly old--

Don't push your luck.

...farmer.

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

Hi, I'm a gorgeous Roman scientist

and I'm gonna tell you about the wonders of the ancient Roman universe.

It's amazing.

We, Roman scientists, perfected complex architectural aids,

like concrete and arches, and that meant we could make buildings

with vast domes, like the Pantheon in Rome

that lasted thousands of years. Imagine that!

Not four, not three, not 12... Thousands of years!

And we understood how the universe worked, too.

It was Julius Caesar who decided that a year would last 365 days

with an extra day every four years for a leap year.

Yeah, that Julius Caesar.

No wonder Cleopatra fancied him. Amazing!

And we knew all about Mercury and Neptune and Venus and Saturn

and Uranus and Mars and Pluto and Jupiter.

-Really? -Yeah.

That's actually impressive. You knew all about planets.

Yeah, but they're not just planets, they're all gods.

Giant beings who played games deciding the fates of everyone in the world.

It's ancient Roman scientific fact.

You know, Brian, it always starts so well.

But luckily, we can work out what the gods are planning

by cutting open animals and looking at their insides.

-It's how we predict the future. -Alright, fellows, if we could...

There's one bloke called a haruspex who cut open a chicken to find out what Saturn, the God of Agriculture, is planning.

It's ancient Roman scientific fact. Amazing!

It's true. We Romans used to slice open animals.

But that wasn't the only way we could predict the future.

Argh. Didn't see that coming. Ironic.

Men of Rome!

Today is a day of glory, for today we shall fight the Carthaginians

-and we shall be victorious. -[men] Hooray!

But do not take my word for it.

Listen to the pronouncements of she who has been blessed by the Gods

with the power to see the future.

All hail the sacred chicken!

Hai--

Did you just say "chicken"?

I will feed seed to the chicken

and by her actions, we will know our fate.

If the sacred chicken eats the seed, then we shall be victorious.

[men] Hooray!

What happens if the chicken doesn't eat the seed?

Trust me, she will.

Oh, sacred chicken. Show us our fate!

I thought I told you to starve her for a few days.

I did. I think she might be a bit seasick.

-[scoffs] -The sacred chicken has spoken,

we're doomed!

[men panicking]

Men, I pray you, do not let your warrior spirit

be downcast by a non-hungry hen.

It's no good, sir. They're panicking, what do we do?

Right, take this.

-No, da, da, da! -[clucks]

Right. Clearly, the chicken was not hungry.

But maybe she is thirsty.

Look, she is drinking.

She is drowning.

Granted, she is drinking quite a lot.

-Yeah. -He's killed the sacred chicken.

We're even more doomed than before.

-No! I have a plan. -[men] Huh?

Don't do it. I will pay you not to do it.

-Don't do-- Oh. -[clucks]

-[clucking] I am a sacred chicken. -[sighs]

When the "sacred" chicken was thrown into the sea,

the crew panicked and the Romans lost the battle.

I often use chickens to predict the future myself. Yeah.

If I eat a whole one, I predict I'll have a stomach ache.

[laughs]

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages!

Welcome to Middle Ages Antiques Roadshow at Carnarvon Castle.

Hundreds of people have come down here to see

if they're sitting on a small fortune.

So let's find out what our expert, Martin Ballpark,

has made of today's offerings.

[Iona] And the first thing that has caught his eye

is rather curious Middle Ages metalloid.

Now, it looks like lead, doesn't it?

If I'm not much mistaken, it is in fact antimony. Am I right?

You are. That's quite correct, yes.

I thought as much. Now, antimony is

a well-known Middle Ages disease cure.

-Hm, hm. -It's very rare.

It's much sought after.

So it's actually worth a lot of money.

-I was hoping you'd say that. -[laughs]

-How long has it been in the family, John? -In total, it's hard to say.

It's been in my grandparents a few times, my parents, too.

-And it's just been inside me. -Sorry? [laughs]

See, the great thing about antimony is it doesn't dissolve in the gut,

so once you've swallowed it you can just rummage through your poo

to find it and use it again.

-Are you okay? -I feel a bit sick, actually.

Want to borrow some of my antimony?

Just make sure you give it back when it comes out the other end, please.

[vomits]

-That's an antique. -I'll be the judge of that--

[Iona] Oh, Martin, but here he is with the next hopeful

who's bought along an intriguing Middle Ages concoction.

-So what have you got for me? -I've brought some gold.

Get the hands dirty, shall we? And the gold's in here, is it?

No. No, that is the gold.

Or rather, it should be.

It's an older monk's recipe for making gold,

but I've put the chicken's eggs in with the rotting dung for ages

and it doesn't seem to have turned into gold yet. Weird.

[bellows] -Not again. -Sure you don't want some of my anti--

No! [vomits]

[sobbing] So sorry everyone.

Antimony is actually a toxic metal

which makes you sick and gives you diarrhoea.

The people of the Middle Ages swallowed it

because they thought it got rid of the bad stuff inside you.

Like the toxic metal, for instance.

In the Middle Ages, they also believed... in magic!

[narrator] It's the Middle Ages Magic Set for all the family.

Three great tricks in one box.

Amaze your family by turning water into wine.

[mother] Look, a glass of water.

Then I simply add the secret ingredient.

-Ta-da! -Wow, how did you do that?

It's magic.

[narrator] Well, no, it's not.

The bread she used was soaked in strong red wine.

I can make the apple move all by itself.

[narrator] With a bit of help from a beetle hidden inside the apple.

Brilliant! Oh!

Oh, that is rotten. Got a bit of beetle in there, as well. And best of all, you can learn how to make an egg fly.

-[both] Wow. -That's magic.

Or has he just tied a very long hair round the egg?

It's all here in the instruction book and there's loads more tricks, too.

The people who came up with them must be amazing magicians.

Actually, they're not magicians at all. They're monks.

No, I'm sorry. Cut!

When we wrote the book, we didn't intend for people to have fun.

It was meant to be a serious exposé of con artistes in the Medieval world,

not a manual for doing magic tricks.

Oh, what is that smell? Have you done one?

It's your egg. Put a fresh one in your box when you sell your...

great magic tricks!

[narrator] Brilliant so called magic tricks written by monks!

No, not that, not that. We wrote it to stop people doing them.

Right, what's going on here?

Did you write the book of magic tricks that teaches people

how to turn water into wine and make eggs float?

Yes, and I was just explaining to these good people

that we were attempting to show people how these tricks are used in--

-Witchcraft? -Yes, exactly.

-Right, take him away, have him hanged. -What?

[narrator] New Middle Ages Magic Set, well, sort of.

Warning. Performing magic tricks in the Middle Ages

could get you executed.

-[soldier] What's going on here? -Nothing.

Just hanging out with the family. Just sitting.

You guffed? It smells very eggy in here.

Think about opening a window.

[narrator] Terrible Tudors!

The last major battle of the War of the Roses

was the famous battle of Bosworth Field between King Richard III

and Henry Tudor. It was after he was crowned.

Powerful nobleman Lord Stanley found himself stuck in the middle.

Gentlemen, your actions on this day will change the course of history itself.

For this battle, here on this humble Bosworth field, will decide

whether the Crown of England is to remain with Richard III

and the House of York

or is to be taken by the young Lancastrian, Henry Tudor.

So let us fight.

[knights] Yes!

[clears throat] My Lord, just one tiny thing.

Which side are we actually on?

Ah, well, I haven't entirely decided yet,

but the second I do, I'll let you know.

Right, it's just that the battle's already started

and it would be really handy tactic-wise

to know which way to charge.

My head says Richard III's the favourite right.

And we do have quite a long history. I held the mace at his coronation.

He made me Lord High Constable of England

and [laughs] I've literally lost track of the amount of land he's given me.

It's embarrassing.

Men, we fight for the House of York. On my mark!

But there's a lot to be said for the plucky underdog, isn't there?

And Henry Tudor's royal bloodline does stretch back to Edward III.

[laughs] Let's not forget, I am married to his mum.

If I side with the other guy,

well, imagine how awkward Christmas is gonna be.

[laughs] No, thank you, sir.

Very good, my Lord.

House of Lancaster it is! Men, on my mark.

-But... -Oh!

My Lord, we must make a decision.

-Alright, alright. -Let's toss a coin.

Heads, King Richard because, uhm, well, his head's on it.

Or we could just see which side looks like they're going to win

and then just, sort of, join them.

That sounds like a pretty good plan.

The House of Lancaster's looking a pretty good bet to me.

Right then, we side with Henry Tudor.

Very good my Lord. Charge!

[knights cheering]

No, not that way, not that way. They're on our side.

Lord Stanley finally decided to fight for Henry Tudor

and they won the battle.

Richard III was killed, but where were his bones recently found?

A, in a bin.

B, in a bush.

Or C, in a car park.

The answer is... C.

His grave was recently discovered under a car park in Leicester.

When Richard died, Henry VII took over

and became the first King of the Tudor dynasty.

Take it away, Henry.

Of all the kings called Henry, I'm the one you've rarely heard.

-[drum beats] -Shakespeare wrote

IV, V, VI, VIII, but VII? Not a word.

People think I'm dreary.

To some extent, I am.

But look a little closer,

glam, bam, thank you, ma'am!

[rock music playing]

♪ I didn't agree ♪

♪ With King Richard three ♪

♪ So I fought him at Bosworth Field And won victory ♪

♪ How cool does this sound? ♪

♪ I'm the King who found ♪

♪ Rich's crown in a hedge On the winning battleground ♪

♪ The only way to end war And avert further disaster ♪

♪ There's got to be a way to unite York and Lancaster ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ Founder of that dynasty ♪

♪ The man who closes The Wars of the Roses ♪

♪ That's right, that's right, that's me ♪

♪ I launched attacks On Lords who earned stacks ♪

♪ Mine was a noble cause To tap them all for tax ♪

♪ They paid their share, was only fair ♪

♪ To make England rich And me a millionaire ♪

♪ Elizabeth York became my wife for life That make me a bore? ♪

♪ Joined our family seat, that's neat Made my rule secure ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ Returning power to the state ♪

♪ Seemed quite toothless ♪

♪ But actually ruthless ♪

♪ I make the monarchy great ♪

♪ Spent a long time fighting ♪

♪ Pretenders to the throne ♪

♪ Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck ♪

♪ Said my throne was their own ♪

♪ They claimed they'd been princes ♪

♪ In the tower, their rule delayed ♪

♪ I said this crown ain't big enough For the three of us ♪

♪ And had one slayed ♪

♪ I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ King of foreign policy ♪

♪ To end hostile relations With enemy nations ♪

♪ I asked them to make friends with me ♪

♪ Yeah, the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor ♪

♪ They say dullness's my main trait ♪

♪ Well, that's a sad indictment Cos if you're looking for excitement ♪

♪ My son was Henry the Eighth ♪

[narrator] Awful Egyptians!

This week on Historical Wife Swap,

these Egyptian peasants will be doing the wife swap with...

Pharaoh Ramesses II and his wife Nefertari.

So how will these different ancient Egyptian couples get on?

-Oh! Who are you? -Mrs Pharaoh.

-Shouldn't you be at my house? -Mrs Pharaoh is at your house.

I'm Mrs Pharaoh number two. Ramesses II has got six wives.

-A bit greedy. -And 200 girlfriends.

I am great Pharaoh Bon of Rah,

chosen of Rah, for powerful is the truth of Rah,

half king, half God, master of all I survey,

Ramesses II, glory be to my name.

-And you are? -Susan.

An honour for you to meet me.

[narrator] So what will Nefertari,

the Pharaoh's number one wife, make of Mr Peasant?

-Oh, your majesty. -Get up, peasant, but don't look at me.

-Oh, what's that terrible smell? -It could be me, your majesty.

-Oh. -I've been dragging two ton boulders

around the desert to help build your husband's temple.

No, you do stink, peasant, but it's much worse than that.

Oh, it could be the gazelle dung I've put on the floor.

Oh! Why on earth would you do that?

-Keeps the rats away from food. -Oh, rats?

Or it could be the walls.

They're made of manure and the Nile flooded the hut last month,

so they're still a bit, how shall I put it, sweaty.

I can tell I'm going to just love it here.

Great.

[narrator] Meanwhile, over at the palace, it's dinnertime.

-Here, peasant, try one of these. -What is it, my Pharaoh?

-Locust in honey. -That's delicious.

[yawns] I feel I'm going to grab an early night.

I have to be up before the sun comes up.

Well, obviously, I do.

I'm the one who gets the sun up.

I done a joke.

[laughter]

That's more like it.

You won't believe this. The royal palace has got beds

with comfy pillows made of stone.

And a sort of seat thing that you sit on to go to toilet.

What will they think of next?

It's also dinner time in the peasant hut.

-[buzzing] -Oh!

Sorry, your majesty.

We do get a lot of mosquitoes.

That's the downside of living near the Nile.

The plus side is that the Nile floods, so the soil here is very fertile.

And when it does flood, we farmers get a few months off

to go to desert and drag around two ton boulders for Pharaoh.

Ow! Well, at least, it gets you away from all these mosquitoes.

And nearer the deadly scorpions. [laughs]

-Do you not want your onion? -Don't look at me!

You're not going to believe where I had to sleep.

On some straw on the floor. Yeah, that's right.

On the floor with all the gazelle poop.

I swear I've got nits. Oh! Oh! Oh, look, there's one. I'll have to throw this wig away.

The wife swap is at an end.

And it's time for the royal couple and the peasant couple

to discuss their experiences.

I understand you've been helping build my temple, the Ramessium.

What an honour for you. How looks the 19 metre statue of me?

Oh, it is magnificent, Pharaoh.

Although not as impressive as the real thing. [Pharaoh] Your work is done. But I have some good news for you.

I would like you to build another massive temple alongside

for my favourite wife.

[laughs] Oh, Romy baby, that's so sweet.

Oh, you want one, too, do you? [scoffs]

-Don't book any holidays. -We did actually discuss this Romy.

Did we? I don't remember.

-You had a lot of palm wine to drink. -Well, you don't speak up.

Do you think we can get up now, love?

-I wouldn't risk it. -No.

Queen Nefertari suffered from alopecia, so she wore a wig.

Expensive Egyptian wigs were made of 120,000 human hairs

held in place by beeswax.

-"Is that a wig, your majesty?" -"Oh! Mind your own beeswax."

[laughs]

[narrator] Vile Victorians!

One of the most famous Victorian inventors was Alexander Graham Bell

who came up with the telephone, ring a bell? [laughs]

But his design was to be improved by American inventor, Thomas Edison.

Good day to you.

-[man] Mr Edison, telephone for you. -Thank you.

What does that even mean?

No, I bought you a telephone. It's a new invention

by this guy, Alexander Graham Bell. I thought it might interest you.

It ties in nicely with the experiments we're doing on the transmission of sound.

Really?

It allows you to talk somebody down a cable.

You can talk to somebody in a different room

and maybe, who knows, one day, in a different building. Extraordinary! Well, can we try it?

Of course, but Mr Bell insists that we use the official telephone greeting.

-Which is? -Ahoy hoy.

As the caller, I have to say ahoy hoy to you, you say ahoy hoy back.

That way we know we're receiving each other.

Understood.

Are you ready, sir?

-Oh, yes indeed. -Here we go.

-Ahoy hoy. -Hello.

No, sir, you have to say, "Ahoy hoy" back to me.

Yes, I was just shocked that it actually worked.

So the Victorian expression of surprise crept out. "Hello!" as in "Wow!".

-Ahem. Shall we try it again? -Yeah!

-Ahoy hoy. -Hello!

-Hello, you said it again. -So did you.

Well, I was surprised.

-Well, I'm still surprised it works. -[growls]

Okay, shall we try it one more time?

-Ahoy hoy. -Hello!

Hello, you just said hello.

Of course, I said hello, I was surprised that you said ahoy hoy.

I thought I was gonna say ahoy hoy first and then you said ahoy hoy.

-That's why I said hello. -Hello.

Ah! Sir, you have to...

It doesn't matter I'll take these away.

I was just getting the hang of it!

In fact, I think I can improve on the design.

I very much doubt it, sir.

You cannot even grasp the official telephone greeting. [laughs]

Imagine a world where people say into the telephone "Hello".

Goodbye.

Hello.

Hello? I think I have a problem.

Another Victorian invention was photography.

Say cheese, I always do.

[narrator] You!

Kiss goodbye to time consuming painting because photography is here.

-What? -Yes and we've got everything you need

to know in our new Photographic Monthly Chronicle.

Hello, I'm Henry Fox Talbot,

one of the great Victorian pioneers of photography.

And with my handy tips,

you'll be able to take photographs like this.

And this.

And even this.

With exposure times of several minutes,

best opt for an expression you can easily keep up.

That's why we Victorians looked so miserable in photos.

And remember, whatever you do, don't try and maintain a smile.

I'm Prince Albert!

-I can smile if I like. -As you like, your Highness.

-Okay, hold it. -Hah.

Just hold it there.

-It's starting to hurt. -Shh.

[narrator] We've got all the very latest accessories.

These rigid neck irons and body braces make movement blurs

a thing of the past, don't they? He's trying to nod.

And subscribe now to receive a voucher for a free photo session

with a recently deceased loved one of your choice.

Well, being photographed with a dead relative

is the latest craze, isn't it, darling?

[deep voice] Yes, it is, and I love you.

Oh, darling.

So get your copy of Photographic Monthly Chronicle today.

The pastime with royal approval!

-It hurts so much. -I did say not to smile.

You have started now, yeah?

[narrator] Savage Stone Age!

[narrator] Words we get from the Stone Age.

What?

"Words we get from the Stone Age"? Well, that's ridiculous.

How many words could we possibly get from the Stone Age?

-Two. -Really, what are they?

-Three. -We'll make up your mind.

-Five. -Oh, I see. You're an idiot.

-Who? -You.

-Thou. -No, not me, you.

I?

You know what, I'm an idiot for even trying to talk to you.

-We. -Yes, we're both idiots.

Wait a second. We, thou, who, I, five, three, two.

All actual words that date back to the Stone Age.

Amazing.

Maybe, you early men weren't so dumb after all.

Oh, no. I was right the first time.

Not only did we invent words, we invented the idea of having a home.

For the first time, we Stone Age people settled in one place.

Hello and welcome to Historical, A Place in the Sun.

The show where we find people who want a place in the sun

a place in the sun.

This week, I'm joined by Carl and Natalie.

Two hardworking Mesolithic hunters looking for a place in the sun.

So what kind of home are you after?

Er, we're not really sure what...

-What "home" mean? -Yeah.

Okay, a home is somewhere you live. It's a permanent dwelling.

Permabum dwelling?

We don't have home.

We move from cave to cave, find best hunting.

Well, hopefully, I'll be able to show you somewhere

that will encourage you to get on the property ladder.

-Pro-probably ladder? -This is gonna take a while.

I'm taking Carl and Natalie to see Star Carr.

A brand new development

on the shore of Lake Flickston in North Yorkshire.

So, first impressions, guys?

Why cave not in cliff face?

Oh, this isn't a cave, this is a house.

Instead of being constrained by the location of caves,

you can simply pick where you want to live and put your house there.

These babies were the first in Europe.

And I think they're gonna spread like wildfire.

My uncle die in wildfire.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

[host] Star Carr's beautiful lakeside location

and purpose built wooden quay

means residents can enjoy a wide range of water sports,

including harpoon fishing and...

Harpoon fishing!

And the surrounding countryside is perfect for hunting.

Hedgehog.

A Mesolithic delicacy so I'm led to believe.

So, guys, what do you think of Star Carr?

Well, we like it.

And it would be nice to have a permabum base.

But stay forever, too long.

Well, that's the great thing about Starr Carr.

It's only inhabited for half the year,

so you'd only be looking at a six month commitment.

-In that case, we'll take it. -We'll take it.

Wonderful.

So there you have it.

Mesolithic hunters, Carl and Natalie,

have abandoned cave dwelling

in favour of a new home, here at Star Carr.

We found another couple their place in the sun.

About that, there doesn't seem to be much sun, does there?

It's Yorkshire. What do you expect, it's Yorkshire.