Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

Elizabeth I was as frightening as she was powerful.

So at the royal court you had to be careful what you said and what you did.

[Master of Arms] The Earl of Oxford, Edward De Vere.

My Queen, I am as ever at your service.

Did what I think just happen, just happen?

Yes, I rather fear it did, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, I don't know what to say.

Cecil, what is the punishment for passing wind in front of the Queen?

We don't have one your Majesty, no one has ever dared do such a thing before.

Or if they have, they've had least had the decency to cover it up

with a well timed cough.

Couldn't we just pretend that this never happened?

Oh would that we could De Vere, would that we could.

If memory serves, Your Majesty, you did once banish your godson,

John Harrington, from court for a rude joke.

-And for how long did I banish him? -Six years.

And would you say passing wind was better or worse than a rude joke?

Well surely that would depend on the rudeness of the joke

and the stinkiness of the far...

We've had quite enough of you, De Vere, from both ends.

I would say that passing wind in front or Your Majesty

-was definitely worse by at least a year. -And so would I.

Before you banish me, Your Majesty,

I will do the gentlemanly thing, banish myself from court for seven years.

Thus saving a shred of my dignity and honour, Your Majesty.

I am, as ever, your humble servant.

Oh do not bow, I dread to think what may happen.

Now off you go, and mind you clench your buttocks.

[music playing]

It is for the best, Your Majesty.

[farts]

That was the chair, Your Majesty. The chair.

A likely story. Oh!

[laughs] Some people think that Shakespeare didn't write his plays

and that they were actually written by Edward De Vere.

That's right, windy De Vere.

What would his plays have been called?

Henry IV Fart Two, [laughing] Much Ado about Trumping.

[laughs] Romeo Windybum. [laughs]

[clears throat] And there was some stupid goings on

at the royal court in France as well.

[music playing]

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ They're funny 'cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you. Ha hee ♪

What do you think, I made them for you out of ping pong balls.

Woo, alright, keep your hair on. I definitely think they suit you. Next.

-[Death] Name? -Diane De Poitiers.

Occupation?

How dare you insult me? I do not need an occupation.

Oh, am I treading on eggshells today or what?

Sorry Diane, what do you do with your time love?

I am a French Noblewoman and the girlfriend of King Henry II of France.

And you, stop staring at me or I will have you flogged.

Oh let me sort that for you.

Right, everybody happy now? Then let's continue.

To get noticed at the Kings court in France one has to look one's best.

I can imagine.

I have my own special method to keep myself looking so youthful.

-[Death] Which was? -Gold leaf.

-Oh you wore it? -Oh no, no I ate it.

Sorry, you ate it?

Oui, I had a spoonful of golf leaf every day for years.

-And what happened? -I died of heavy metal poisoning.

[laughs]

That's brilliant, Diane, you're through to the afterlife.

Oh hey, let's hope they don't play any heavy metal music there.

Stupid man.

That was a good one, I thought. What did you think?

Comedy gold. Phew, don't get it. Yes, I do. I was gonna say that, in fact, I will. Comedy gold. Whatever!

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you. Hoo, hoo ♪

[narrator] Vicious Vikings.

Hi, I'm a shouty man, and I'm here to tell you about the new Runic Alphabet.

The easy to carve writing system that's taking the Viking world by storm.

Do you have a bad memory? Or perhaps you have a bad memory?

Or maybe you even have a bad memory.

Then the old Viking system of learning things off by heart is not for you.

But don't worry! Help is at hand with a sensational new Runic Alphabet.

The simple angular letters can be quickly carved into any wall rock or twig.

Making writing things down, the new not writing things down.

Yes! Using new Viking runes means that this simple stick can be turned into...

A prayer to God. A personal message. A business letter.

Or an expression of affection.

Thank you, Joe. I feel a bit the same way.

And when you're finished, it makes an excellent dog toy.

Fetch boy. And that's not all.

The new Runic Alphabet was discovered by the Viking God Odin,

so it has mystical powers. Hm.

Simply carve healing charms into a whale bone to help heal the sick.

Now read that four times a day. That's shouty man junior.

And why not let people know where you've been

with some good old Viking Runic graffiti.

Olaf was here.

To be honest, I think they already knew you were here, mate.

So, order new Runic Alphabet today because the writing's on the wall

for not writing on the wall!

We Vikings used to write runes on stones called, wait for it, Rune Stones.

Some tell of how we embraced a new religion.

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for something for my wife.

Oh, very nice too, sir. And what did you have in mind?

Well she's quite religious, so I was thinking some sort of amulet.

Ah, I have the very thing.

How about this delightful Thor's Hammer amulet, cast in solid silver

from this handcrafted soapstone mould.

It's the ideal way to honour the Norse God of Thunder.

Ah, actually my wife and I don't worship the Norse Gods anymore.

We've converted to Christianity.

I see. Well, in that case I highly recommend...

this Christian crucifix amulet, cast in solid silver

from this handcrafted soapstone mould.

It's the ideal way to honour your Christian God, Father and Son.

Come off it, that's just the hammer one the other way up.

Clearly cast from exactly the same mould.

[laughs] Oh no, no, not at all, sir.

For as you can see, the Thor's Hammer amulet is mould number 66.

And the crucifix one...

is mould number 99.

I see, well that's my mistake then. I'll take the crucifix one, please.

That'll be nine silver clippings, sir.

There you go. Thank you very much.

Oh, er, wait a minute, sir. I said nine and this is only a six?

Turn it up the other way.

It's true!

Archaeologist have found a mould that made both pagan Thor Hammers

and Christian crucifixes, so the devious merchant could use the one mould

for both pagans and Christians.

[laughs] Actually I have some cheese with mould in the shape of a cross.

Or is it Thor's Hammer? Hm.

[narrator] Troublesome 20th Century.

[music playing]

You're watching HH TV Sport

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Today is football, and time to go over to the 1950's to join our reporter

who's about to meet a very special player.

I've come to 1951

where I'm here to interview the greatest English football striker of all time.

Sorry, do you mind moving along please love, you just clear off.

I'm here to interview the all time greatest English football striker.

Well, you're looking at her.

[laughs]

-What really? -Yeah. My name's Lily Parr.

I scored over 900 goals in my career.

I scored 43 goals in me first season and I were only 14 at the time.

Wow, that's impressive.

In 1920, 53,000 people turned up at a ladies match at Goodison Park

and I was star attraction.

Well, shall we carry on the interview then?

Let's do this, okay. So Lily, tell us how did your career start?

Well when all the men went off to fight in First World War

women's football came right popular.

I worked at a munitions factory and I played for the ladies football team.

We used to draw huge crowds.

I see, but er, when the war ended and the men came back

I imagine everyone went back to watching men's football?

No. No, you see the ladies game was still really popular.

So popular in fact that in 1921, the Football Association got nervous

that we were threatening the male game,

so they banned women from playing at official league grounds.

Oh that is a shame, isn't it?

Well let's be honest, men are better at football than women, aren't they?

Listen, mate, I've played against men at exhibition matches

and I'm telling you, I've got harder shot than any of them.

-[laughs] I don't think so. -[nervous laughs] I do think so.

Well, I don't. This is Tony Codger reporting for HH TV News.

Oh, she's not wrong, she's got a kick like a flipping mule. Oh!

Lily was a great role model for young footballers,

but not that great because she used to smoke lots of cigarettes. Silly Lily.

Time now though for a fanfare to introduce our next popular performer.

[farts]

Le Petomane.

[narrator] It's the DVD, the earlier 20th century has been waiting for.

Joseph Pujol's explosive act that's been selling out

to the Moulin Rouge Cabaret in Paris.

Just wait until you hear which instrument he's playing.

-[farts] -Oh!

-[farts] -[applause]

[narrator] It's Le Petomane's windy performance on the pump cannon

live at the Moulin Rouge Cabaret club in Paris.

[farts]

[narrator] Every performance is a blast.

The show always goes down a storm, even with royalty in the audience.

[Prince of Wales] I'm a big fan.

[narrator] Don't miss his famous farmyard impressions.

Oh, a [farts] and a hee and a

[farts] there, here a [farts] there a [farts] everywhere a [farts].

Old Macdonald had a farm. Hee hi, hee hi [farts] oh!

[narrator] His sell-out show

that's now touring the biggest theatres in Europe.

[Freud] I love watching this show.

Merci, thank you and good night. [farts] Oh!

Available now on DVD. The actor that everyone's gassing about.

[narrator] Potty Pioneers.

One of our great Georgian inventors was George Stevenson.

He wanted to build a network of railways for his locomotive.

But first he had to persuade some powerful politicians

including the Duke of Wellington.

Confound it, the man is late.

Nobody keeps the Duke of Wellington waiting, least of all this idiot.

Mr Stevenson, you're late.

Well I wouldn't have been, if I'd been able to travel to London by train like.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

Yes, his Northern accent is somewhat amusing.

I meant the idea of travelling by train.

-Er, yes of course, quite ridiculous. -Well locomotives are the future.

-Poppycock. -Now, Wellington,

we did say we would give Mr Stevenson a fair hearing

before deciding on the fate of his so called railways.

Indeed, we did.

Well, my railway system's totally gonna change where we are...

Permission denied, I've heard enough.

Locomotives haring up and down the countryside, well you'll terrify the cows.

In fact it will probably make their milk curdle.

If it doesn't just make them die of shock. Isn't that right, Sir Robert? Hm, hm.

Eh, it's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

Well put, sir.

Well, away man, the locomotives are gonna revolutionise transport.

People are gonna be able to get up to speeds of 20 miles an hour.

Can you even survive at such outstanding speeds?

Their eyes would get sucked from their very skulls.

A man on horseback can go at twice that speed.

Well then they'll be shaken silly by the vibrations.

No, my railway system's totally safe.

And it'll give ordinary folk the freedom to go quickly round the country

you know what I mean?

Well then how do we keep the poor people in their place?

-Eh? Eh? Eh. -It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

Well put that man, and it'll mean the criminals

will be able to escape from the law.

Well that's if they don't die

-going 20 miles an hour. -Precisely.

Wellington does make a strong case I'm afraid.

And there is nothing you can possibly say to convince us.

Your railways will never be built. Now, do you have anything else to add

before I wellington boot you out the door?

My railway system's gonna be phenomenally popular, right.

So if you invest in my company, you'll make train loads of cash.

Well, I think your railway sounds like a marvellous idea.

-Well, I've always been in favour. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

Ignore him, he doesn't know what he's saying.

Go back to sleep, go back to sleep. Ba, ba, ba, ba.

There were lots of objections to Stevenson's railway proposals

which meant the trains were delayed. The trains were delayed!

Well, you mean like they always are. [laughs]

[laughs] Anyway, there were a number of transport pioneers

who really changed the way we get around.

♪ With imagination ♪

♪ Inspiration ♪

♪ Innovation ♪

♪ And perspiration ♪

♪ We revolutionised transportation ♪

♪ Stephenson's the name and My steam engine's the best you will find ♪

♪ It was the Rocket It was called the Rocket ♪

♪ It pulled a train to carry passengers And was the first of its kind ♪

♪ Caused a commotion Doing the locomotion ♪

♪ Was best by miles ♪

♪ And won top prize ♪

♪ At the Rainhill trials ♪

♪ The Lords said it was dangerous ♪

♪ Then saw how many tickets could sell ♪

♪ The toffs were off it, 'til ♪ They saw a profit ♪

♪ And so he paved the way for me ♪

♪ I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel ♪

♪ An engineer, and famous pioneer ♪

♪ Railways off pat ♪

♪ A massive hat ♪

♪ And to top that ♪

♪ I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating Hard-grafting ship-crafting ♪

♪ Polymath in search of a way ♪

♪ To take my train through my tunnel 'cross my bridge to my ship ♪

♪ Ship and sail me fastest to the USA ♪

♪ My steam ship it made the trip In just 14 days ♪

♪ There across the ocean was Clever old me ♪

♪ I'm quite a star ♪

♪ He's Henry Ford, yes That's what he's called ♪

♪ My assembly line's the first to Make it cheap to buy a motor car ♪

♪ From Henry Ford, cars you can afford ♪

♪ I think you'll find ♪

♪ Made just one kind ♪

♪ But never mind ♪

♪ I was the fastest rating Car creating introducing mass producing ♪

♪ Original "Model T" guy ♪

♪ We took his engine a bird wing Some bike skills worked until ♪

♪ We found out how machines could fly ♪

♪ Not just a hop ♪

♪ But non stop ♪

♪ Gonna get high, high, high ♪

♪ I'm Orville was the brains ♪

♪ The brawn my brother Wilbur Wright ♪

♪ We refined the plane that Made the first sustained flight ♪

♪ Our engine small ♪

♪ But powerful ♪

♪ Propelled to a great height! ♪

[rock and roll music playing]

♪ They were supreme ♪

♪ Our mean machines ♪

♪ The stuff of dreams ♪

♪ We were creative inventive Progress our incentive ♪

♪ Always searching for a solution ♪

♪ We took some steel and a wheel Made a plane car and train ♪

♪ And created a revolution ♪

♪ Hard to believe What we achieved ♪

♪ Looking back ♪

♪ We helped change tack ♪

♪ Transport was duller ♪ ♪ We added colour ♪

♪ Well, as long as it's black ♪

[piano music playing]

[narrator] Shocking Scotland.

Your Lordship, the siege had been long and hard.

For five months now, your army has battered these walls

and starved the inhabitants.

We have never faced such a fearsome valiant foe, let us offer them terms.

-You there, noble enemy. -Who is it?

[clears throat]

It is I, Earl Salisbury, you foe in this siege.

Oh, is there a siege on? I hadn't noticed.

Alright, cut it out now, Black Agnes, Countess of Moray.

There is no shame in surrender.

Open the gates to your castle and you and your people will leave without harm.

Thanks for the offer, but I didnea think I'll bother.

I admire your spirit Black Agnes,

but your husband has taken your soldiers off to war.

I mean look at the damage my catapults have done to your wall.

Aye, I've been meaning to speak to you about that.

It's making it awful dusty up here. Morag, you've missed a bit.

The crazy woman's dusting the walls now.

I don't think you've quite got the handle on how badly you're losing.

We cut off your food supply five months ago. You must be starving!

Aye, you know I haven't eaten since elevenses, so.

Oh, did I not mention our secret agents?

We're been getting fresh food in here all the time.

There's plenty to go round if you'd like some.

I've had enough of this, send in the battering ram.

[screaming]

Thanks for the big stones.

This has gone on long enough.

It ends now. I have your brother.

[laughs] Oh, yes, sir. Surrender your castle or I will kill him at dawn.

Could you do it right now? I'd sorely love to inherit his money and lands.

Much appreciated.

Right that's it, we're going home.

A full army besieging a virtually defenceless lady,

and we can't take the castle in five months.

If anyone asks, we've been on a walking holiday in the Highlands.

Oh, and don't forget your packed lunch.

-[man screams] -Hey, now! Rude!

[heroic music playing]

[woman narrator] Another Scot who outwitted the English was James Douglas

who broke into Roxborough Castle in 1314,

but was he disguised as, A, a cow, B, a sheep or C, a dragon?

The answer is, A.

Douglas and his men wore cow skins to get close to the castle

without being seen. And then, overpowered the English garrison.

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

Between World War One and World War Two,

Germany suffered from hyperinflation

which is when money loses its value very, very quickly. Carry on.

Wilkommen back to Who wants to be a German Millionaire.

Before the break, we asked Heinrich here

why is the German economy in so much trouble?

He answered C,

because Germany has to pay massive compensation costs

to the Allied forces who won the war. The answer is...

-C. -[gasps]

-Congratulations, Heinrich. -Danke.

You've won 64 million German Marks.

Unfortunately due to the state of the German economy

that's probably only enough to buy you a wheelbarrow.

But I will need to buy a wheelbarrow just to carry that much cash.

Well, we don't want to give you that. We want to give you this.

128 million German Marks.

That's enough cash to buy you a wheelbarrow.

But you just said I could get a wheelbarrow for 64 million Marks.

Unfortunately the German economy is in such a bad way

that prices for everything are rising very, very quickly.

In fact, I'm just hearing in my ears that from now on

one German Mark will now be worth, 1000 German Marks. So, you're actually playing for 128 billion German Marks.

-And what can I buy for that? -A wheelbarrow!

-Thanks. -Next question.

By November 1st 1923,

how much will a loaf of bread cost?

D, 3 billion Marks.

-3 billion Marks for a loaf of bread? -Yeah.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

-Final answer? -Yeah, get on with it.

Herr Heinrich, I can tell you the answer is...

-[screams] -D, 3 billion Marks.

You have won yourself 128 billion, no trillion Marks.

I missed counted the noughts. How will you spend your winnings?

-I'm buying a wheelbarrow. -You can't afford one.

I hate this show, I should have gone on Deal or nein Deal.

Imagine that, the money in your pocket becoming worthless overnight.

An angry German public started to support Adolf Hitler's Nazi party

and the rest, as they say, is history.

When the American GI's joined World War Two, they certainly liked

to flash their cash around.

[woman narrator] This month in Gals Magazine, we're going Yankee crazy.

The Americans have joined the war.

That's right boy.

[woman narrator] Now their gorgeous GI's are here, and they here to stay.

Well, for a bit anyway, until they get sent to the front line.

In this week's issue, we compare an average British squaddie.

-Hello! -[narrator] With the average American GI.

Howdy.

Check out that slick back hair that deep tan and those great teeth.

GI's have to brush their teeth every day.

I don't brush every day, there's nothing wrong with my teeth.

And there's more, we look at all the latest trends

they're bringing from across the Atlantic.

Wow, you really can dance.

What's that funny thing you're doing with your mouth?

-I'm chewing gum. -Chewing gum. Wow, he's so classy.

Plus, don't miss our handy guide to speaking American.

-Look, Beryl, I can dance good, too. -Okay.

Okay, well what's that supposed to mean?

-It's kind of like your English, right ho. -That'll never catch on.

Plus every GI comes with free gifts.

Nylons. Wow.

No more stockings made out of gravy for me.

Get off.

Yes, you can no longer get nylons in the shops over here

but the American's have bought loads of them.

-We got lots of chocolate, too. -Oh, you just get better.

All that and more. Well actually not more, but all that.

Only in this month's Gals' Magazine.

And better still, Gals' Magazine is absolutely free because

a rich GI will buy one for you.

Oh! He's so dreamy.

[exhales]

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

When we Romans invaded Britain,

we got all the way to Scotland where the Caledonians fought back.

Well, as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them

build a massive wall to keep them out.

[music playing]

Yes?

-Oh, hello. -Alright.

Oh, hail, Emperor Trageon.

It's Emperor Hadrian, now, Trageon's dead.

-Murdered? -No, no natural causes.

Oh, well, that's nice. So, what can I do for you fellas then?

It's more a case of what we can do for you today, sir?

You see, Emperor Hadrian would like to build a brand new wall

on your land, completely free of charge.

I could do with a new wall.

So it's gonna be nice and big this wall is it?

Three metres wide and six metres high.

Well, me sheep won't be jumping over there in a hurry, will they?

[laughs]

No, they won't. You see, Emperor Hadrian wants a nice new defensive wall

stretching right across the country from the Tyne to the Firth

to mark the Northern Edge of the Roman Empire, since you ask.

Plus, it'll help to keep out those awful Caledonians.

-Oye, I heard that. -Get out of here.

-Animals. We're calling it Hadrian's wall. -A working title.

So, where exactly is it gonna go this wall?

Erm, right along here.

That's right through the middle of my land.

-So it is. -Well, won't my house be in the way?

-Not for long, it won't. -Hey, hey, wait, no.

I protest. I'm not moving.

As you like, mate.

-Eh? -It saves a stake I suppose.

I don't believe this.

Did you know, Hadrian had his famous wall painted white,

so it would glisten majestically in the bright sunlight?

[laughs] He obviously didn't get up north much. [laughs]

The Roman General who first invaded Britain was Julius Caesar,

and his is an interesting story.

[thrilling movie music playing]

Ave, Gaius Julius Caesar, Dictator of Rome, Consort of Cleopatra,

and conqueror of Gaul.

Well in this room, you're just a guy with a big nose and a plant on his head.

Okay, eh. I would like to pitch the story of my rise to power

from the young adventurer who was kidnapped by pirates,

to the General who invaded Britain. Crushed the Gauls.

Crossed the Rubicon river, took control of Rome and forged it

into the greatest Empire the world had ever seen.

-Okay, we're interested. -In the pirates.

-Well, pirates are very big right now. -Johnny Depp.

Ahoy, Captain Caesar, you got yourself a hit.

Who do you see playing the talking parrot?

-Sorry, what parrot? -All pirates have a parrot.

-It's in the contract. -Sorry, look,

me being kidnapped by pirates was just a small part of the story,

before I became the greatest General and Statesman of the Roman age.

Yeah, you see, what I just heard was pirates, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

-I conquered Spain. -Blah.

-France. -Blah.

-Egypt. -Blah.

So are we making a pirate movie or are you gonna walk the plank

to the Roman province of loserville?

Okay, I was captured by pirates near Turkey.

They wanted money for my return.

Pirates of the Mediterranean, Caesars Gold.

I was actually quite furious. Er, not because I'd been kidnapped,

but because they'd asked for too little ransom. I told them

-to ask for more money. -It's a comedy.

Yeah, it was actually quite funny, you know.

Because despite being their prisoner

I actually ordered them around all the time.

I used to shout at them and tell them to stop being noisy

when I was trying to sleep. That was hilar...

Actually in the end, we became quite good friends.

Even better, it's a buddy, buddy movie with heart.

Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your Oscars, we got a hit.

Yeah, so, anyway, in the end, they paid the ransom

I returned home and then I hired a fleet of ships.

So, you wouldn't miss hanging out with your friends

the pirates and that's our happy ending.

No, no, no, no. So, I could hunt them down and torture them to death.

Which I did, I killed them all.

Pretty brilliant twist, right? [laughs]

Yeah, the whole torturing to death thing, er, plays quite badly with families.

You may need an alternate ending here.

The talking parrot saves everyone

-and sings a song. -Works for me.

Big nose, you came, you saw, you got yourself a movie deal.

[laughing, applause]

-Don't rest on your laurels. -Eh, oh!

That guy can rock a skirt.