Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories!♪

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

During the reign of Emperor Augustus

we Romans formed an alliance with some Germanic barbarians.

But trusting them was another matter, as this general found out.

General, I've been thinking.

I did specifically ask you not to do that, Eggius.

Yeah, I know, sir. Sorry, sir. Only I couldn't help thinking.

Is it really wise to march in single file along a narrow path through dense forest?

Your point being?

Well, might we not be ambushed by barbarians?

Why on earth would you think that, Eggius?

Two things, really.

One, this is the perfect place for barbarians to ambush a Roman legion

and two, a spy has warned us that

barbarians are going to ambush a Roman legion, specifically us.

Poppycock, Eggius. The secret to great leadership is

being able to tell the difference between what's true and what's poppycock

and that is poppycock.

The barbarians in this region are our allies.

That said, might it not be a good idea

to send a reconnaissance party out in front?

Yeah, good idea, you go ahead, at least then I won't be able to listen

to all your bellyaching. Take a couple of the men with you.

-Er, sir. -What is it now, Eggius?

Um...

Right, I see. Er, just keep walking, Eggius.

Maybe they haven't seen us.

-A bit faster? -Yeah, a bit faster would be good.

Oh! Oh! [both scream]

Three Roman Legions were annihilated in the ambush. 15,000 soldiers!

That's more Romans than I've got lice.

When Emperor Augustus heard of the disaster

he repeatedly hit his head against the walls of his palace, saying:

"Give me back my legions." Old Augustus wasn't used to failure.

I really shouldn't have done that.

[narrator] In a time of conflict.

Sire, we have Mark Antony and Cleopatra cornered at Actium.

Could end the Civil War with one blow.

[narrator] Only one man could defeat Mark Antony, a powerful Roman general

and Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt.

I am Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar

Octavianus Divi Filius Augustus

Augustus, I'm Emperor Augustus.

And I shall have a victory at Actium that will echo through history.

[narrator] The story of Rome's greatest military leader.

-What's your name? -Agrippa.

Bless you. I'd like you to take care of the details for me.

-Sorry, when you say details... -You know, the battle,

the fighting. I'd like you to go and win the battle for me.

It's likely to be sunny and I don't want to get sunburnt, so...

Right, so I go and...

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Fine.

[narrator] Augustus, he rebuilt a city and founded an empire.

Sire, through your leadership we have destroyed the enemy.

-Yeah. -It wasn't really his leadership, I...

-You know what, fine, carry on. -Yes.

I shall build Rome anew,

creating the greatest city the world has ever seen.

-Yes. -Can you sort the details, um, thingy?

-Agrippa. -Bless you.

You know, the buildings, the roads, the sewers, the baths, that sort of thing.

I don't want to go outside, I'm worried I might be hit by lightening.

-Right, so I go and... -Oh, and can you pay for the food

and bathing for the people out of your own pocket?

-Yeah. -Emperor, you are too generous.

Really? He...

[narrator] Augustus, his achievements would be remembered through all eternity.

That's nice, new?

Yes.

Um, Arthur?

-Agrippa. -Bless you.

I'm having it copied and placed in every major city in the empire.

I call it the "Res Gestae",

it's a list of my achievements.

How I won battles, built Rome and created an empire.

You didn't do that, I did that.

Not what it says here.

[narrator] Augustus, the story of the greatest leader

ancient Rome ever had and his friend, um, uh, Tissue.

Now, read me a bedtime story, you know I can't sleep without one.

Once upon a time, there was a famous king

who made his best friend do all the actual work

and his name was, Agrippa.

-Bless you. -Oh!

[narrator] Augustus, the movie.

[Augustus] I found Rome a city of brick and left it a city of marble.

[narrator] Well, with a bit of help from what's his name.

What's wrong with Adrian?

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

[narrator woman] You may have heard of the Princes in the Tower.

When Edward IV died, his brother, Richard III, took the crown

and had Edward's two young sons locked up in the Tower of London

and possibly killed.

But then, Henry Tudor beat Richard III in battle and became Henry VII.

And, remember those princes in the tower?

One of them, Richard, Duke of York, mysteriously reappeared

to claim his crown.

[narrator] This is father Richard Simons, an Oxford trained priest and scholar

who has asked for help to confirm his royal ancestry in--

No, no, not me, the boy, the boy.

[narrator] Oh, oh, right. This is a, um...

-13 year old. -[narrator] Really? Looks a lot younger.

-No, 13. -[narrator] Okay.

[narrator] So, this is a 13 year old boy

who this priest has asked us to confirm that he, the boy,

has royal ancestry, is that right?

Yes, that's right, that's right.

[narrator] So, join us as we trace back his family tree and ask the question.

13 year old boy,

who on earth are you?

To help search the boy's ancestry for any royal link

we enlisted the help of leading family historian,

Sir Francis Guesswork.

So then, first things first, what's your name?

-La-- -Richard, Duke of York.

-He's Richard, Duke of York, aren't you? -Um...

-See? -Well then, this is quite a discovery.

You were believed to have been murdered in the Tower of London

as a child, one of the infamous princes in the Tower.

And you most certainly have a royal bloodline,

in fact, as the son of Edward IV, you'd--

Be the rightful king with all the fame, money, power

and influence that goes with it, which you would no doubt share with me

being your loyal friend and tutor.

Do you know that thought hadn't even crossed our minds, had it, Lambert?

I mean, Prince Richard.

Right then, let's go and claim that crown of his.

I mean, yours.

Oh, no, you, you can't just go and claim the crown.

-Why not? -You need proof,

documentation, testimonies, supporters.

Alright, alright.

You know, it's fascinating, really,

because one of the other claimants to the throne recently went missing.

Oh! Er, who was that?

Edward Plantagenet, Earl of Warwick,

he hasn't been seen since Henry VII had him locked up in the Tower.

-How old would he be? -12.

That's him.

-What? -Shhh!

But, you said he was 13?

And you said he looks younger, he is, he's 12.

Er, he escaped from the Tower and I found him.

But I thought he was the Duke of York?

You must have made a spelling mistake, this is definitely the Earl of Warwick.

Let's go and claim that crown.

I'll rally some supporters

-and we'll see you at the palace. -Yeah, I don't think that's such a good...

Oh.

[narrator] In an attempt to verify father Simons' claim,

Francis has brought in royalty expert, King Henry VII.

Sorry we're late, had to gather some supporters

and then we stopped for lunch and...

Anyway, this is the Earl of Kildare.

Head of the Irish Government and may I say Your Majesty

that we are so convinced

that this little guy is the rightful King of England

that we've just gone ahead and crowned him King Edward VI,

so we have. So there.

Well, Your Majesty, he clearly has the Irish on side, which does make

a pretty convincing case for this being the real Edward, Earl of Warwick.

Yes, yeah, I can totally see why you think this is the real Edward, Earl of Warwick,

but I'll tell you why I'm not completely convinced.

And why is that?

Because, this is the real Edward, Earl of Warwick.

He didn't die and he certainly didn't escape.

I've had him locked up in the Tower the whole time.

So, what do you say to that, father Simons?

Ah, is there anyone else in line for the throne

aged between sort of nine and 14?

-Guards, take this fraud away. -Bye.

So then, lad, what's your real name?

Lambert Simnel, sir.

Well, young Lambert, you're for the chop.

Oh!

And the rib and the fillet and the shank.

I'm going to give you a job cooking meat in the royal kitchens.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I don't suppose you need someone to do veg?

Shut up, you.

Henry VII fought off all of the claims to his thrown.

If he hadn't, Henry VIII would never have been king.

And this weird contraption would never have been invented.

Hello, I'm Henry VIII. I'm not getting any younger, or smaller.

Can't work out why. I'm even having difficulty getting up the stairs.

Luckily, I've discovered this.

The all new Tudor King Lift.

The ultimate mobility aid for tubby monarchs.

Here's how it works. Using a series of pulleys

known as the block and tackle system

my new Tudor King Lift makes getting up the massive staircase

at Whitehall Palace as easy as beheading a loved one.

There, that's so much easier.

No effort required at all.

-[rope comes off] -[the King grunts]

Right, can somebody design a King picker-upper?

Quickly.

Oh no, oh I'm too fat. Oh!

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

Hello and welcome to the News at When. When?

About 75 years ago,

when Germany, a country still reeling from the effects of the First World War,

find itself with a leader who's about to start another one.

Here, with more details on this rather unwelcome sequel is Bob Hail

with the World War Two report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam, well, the year is 1938,

that behind me is the world and hold onto your helmets

because it's about to go to war. Again.

Yes, it's 20 years since Germany lost the first World War

and had a load of land taken off them.

And their leader, Adolf Hitler, yeah, that one,

has decided he wants it back, so he just takes it.

I know, he's like that.

Which does not go down well with Britain and France

who send their prime ministers to talk to him.

So, Hitler promises he won't take over anymore territories,

peace is guaranteed, everyone lives happily ever after

in candy floss houses with gingerbread roofs.

But not for long, now, it turns out

Hitler has a memory much like his moustache, very short.

He forgets about this peace treaty and promptly invades Czechoslovakia,

allies with Italy and turns his eye towards Poland,

followed by tanks and his guns.

But, just the week before, Britain signed an agreement with Poland

promising to fight anyone who tries to invade them.

Which can mean only one thing. Group hug.

Oh, no, my mistake, all out war!

Yes, in September 1939, Britain and France along with Australia,

New Zealand and Canada, declare war on Germany and Italy

and the Second World War has begun.

An event which if we look at a dramaometer is precisely this exciting.

Yes, for nine long months nothing really happens

as Allies place all their troops behind this wall, the Maginot Line,

and wait for Hitler to come and get them. Which he never does.

Instead, he began invading Norway, Denmark and Netherlands

before sneaking past the Maginot Line through Belgium

-and invading France by the back door. -[crowd] Booo!

Wow, there's a lot of you in today.

So, now with France under Nazi rule,

Britain is on the front line, which means there's suddenly more drama

that our thingy can handle. As World War Two takes to the skies.

Yes, no sooner had RAF prevented a German invasion in the Battle of Britain

then Hitler starts dropping bombs on British cities.

And a huge blitz known on the unimaginably as The Blitz.

And while Britain stays strong, Germany grows even stronger.

As Japan, Hungary and Romania all join Hitler's side,

which then takes over Yugoslavia, Greece and North Africa.

Yes, Adolf's got invasion fever and despite promising

that he'd never invade Russia, he then invades Russia.

It's like you can't trust him or something.

And it seems that this invasion fever is catching

as Japan is now bitten by the bug.

Yes! After attacking the US Navy at Pearl Harbour,

a Hawaiian island and terrible movie, the Japanese take over Thailand

Burma, Philippians, Borneo, Hong Kong and Singapore.

They even have a crack at Australia.

In fact, if we look at the countryometer or map, as some people like to call it,

it's quite clear Hitler's going to win

there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. Right?

Wrong, you see, the Russians

have already started fighting back the Germans on a new Eastern front.

And America, angered by Pearl Harbour, the attack, not the movie,

have joined the allies, too.

Yes, now Nazi's are facing more troops

from more directions than ever before and the tide begins to turn.

The Americans beat back the Japanese over the Pacific,

while the British forces push the Nazi's out of North Africa.

The Russians push back from the east and Allies push up from the south.

Whilst over in the Far East, the allies win back Burma.

In fact, with one big push, those Nazi's could be forced into a retreat.

And do you know what? Here comes one big push,

yes, it's D-Day where everyone with a name beginning with D

gets to invade France and the, what?

Oh, right, sorry, my mistake.

It's where 160,000 Allied troops with various names invade

the French coast of Normandy to start forcing the Nazi's back across Europe.

Yes, now Hitler is facing a war on three fronts,

or one bottom and two sides, depending on how you want to look at it.

When his Italian counterpart, Mussolini, is overthrown and killed

the writing's on the wall for Hitler,

which says, you’re finished mate. But, in German.

So, on May 8th 1945, Germany surrenders and the war is finally over.

Except, not really, because back over in the east

Japan and the USA are still battling it out

until the Japanese are forced to surrender

by two bombs so big they wiped out entire cities.

So, after six years and 60 million deaths

World War II finally found a fittingly foul finale.

Yes, war is over, and ladies and gentlemen

all I am saying is give peace a chance. Because when you, ouch.

You pricked me.

Well, say you're sorry.

Oh! Silent treatment, is it?

Well, you know what? This means war!

[grunts]

[indistinct yelling by Bob Hail]

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

There was some most unusual people around in Georgian times

and none more so than a certain Reverend Harvest.

And thus we finish our reading from Corinthians.

I must say I'm very disappointed with the turnout this morning.

Well, it could be that last week you chased everybody out of here

with a shotgun and accused them of being squatters.

Well, if they weren't, Roger,

then what were they doing in the church at that time, huh?

Well, they come to the church at the same time every week,

because that's when the service is. [laughs]

Oh.

Well, that's where I got confused.

It's lack of sleep.

Last night, someone was shaking me all night.

That was me. You were sleeping in my bed, you were in the wrong house.

Ah, well, one is entitled to make one or two small mistakes.

But, when it comes to the big stuff, Roger, I am always on the ball.

Reverend Harvest, you're meant to be at a wedding this morning.

Oh, really, whose?

Yours, you idiot.

We are supposed to be getting married.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's the second time I've missed my own wedding.

[gasps] Have you organised the honeymoon? I'll need horses for the buggy.

My father, the Bishop, lent you some horses yesterday.

I've lost them I'm afraid. Could you lend me a horse, please?

-Not after hearing that, no. -It looks like we're walking.

Shall we go to France?

I know my way around France, well, I don't, really,

but what I do know is, is that if you lose your hotel

you can find it by putting a silver coin in your mouth and roaring.

-I've done it before. -What about the wedding?

Is somebody getting married?

I'd rather not.

Reverend Harvest was a total eccentric. He once showed a posh lady the stars in the sky

and half way through talking, had a wee.

Hm, well, what's wrong with that, huh?

-[wee drop sounds] -It's only a little one. Huh. A wee wee.

There was some right characters around in Georgian times, oh yes.

Alright, I'll clear it up. Hah.

Hi, I'm Penny Bell and you're watching Georgian Showbiz News.

We've got all the latest news on all the latest stars.

Coming up later we've got Samuel Bishop. Awesome!

Yes, the Georgian entertainer who taught his dog to dance with a monkey

is back with his new act. A Tortoise who can fetch like a dog. Cute.

Fetch, fetch. Get the ball.

And we've got an exclusive report

on the death of circus exhibit, Daniel Lambert.

Sad Face.

The 52 stone man mountain passed away last week

and there were tears at his funeral.

[cries]

Oh no, I'm not a relative. No, I didn't even know the man.

I just put me back out carrying his coffin.

But, first you won't believe it. I got to meet Daniel Wildman.

That's right, the Daniel Wildman,

London beekeeper and showman extraordinaire. Check me out.

[Penny Bell] Daniel's act involves riding a horse whilst wearing a mask of bees

and he's certainly got the whole of Georgian Britain buzzing.

Daniel, hi. I was gonna give you a showbiz kiss

but I think I better keep my distance. [laughs]

Don't worry, my bees won't sting you. I've got them well trained. Watch this.

[bees buzzing]

Awesome. How do you do it?

I tied a thread around the queen bee.

Haul her around and the others just follow. Simple.

Are you sure they won't sting? They sound kinda angry?

Relax. If they do get out of control...

-[gun cocks] -Are you gonna shoot them?

No, no, no, one shot from this

and I can send them all back to their hive.

-[gunshot noise] -[bees flying away]

-Ta-da! -Great!

Now Daniel, you've got a new book out

Complete Guide for the Management of Bees Throughout the Year.

What's it about?

[bee buzzing]

Ouch. I thought you said you're bees wouldn't sting me.

That's not one of my bees.

Hm, this is Penny Bell with bee man, Daniel Wildman, and I've just been stung.

Oh, that's five shillings for the book.

Twice. [sighs]

[narrator] Awful Egyptians.

In ancient Egypt, we really liked to look good. I mean check me out.

But, for everyone else it wasn't always so easy.

[humming]

Hello.

Have you got anything to help with this?

With what, there's nothing there. [laughs]

That's really funny.

I know.

Do you have a cure for baldness?

Er, yes sir, certainly I can mix you up a cure.

Let me just check and see if I've got the right ingredients.

Great. Let's have a look.

So, I need the fat of a hippo. Check.

The fat of a Tom cat. Check.

And the fat, oh dear, I seem to be missing some ingredients.

-What's that? -I need the fat of a snake.

I've got one living in my store. Shall I go and check it out?

Yeah great, okay, thank you.

-See you, see you in a sec. -Yeah.

Argh. [groans]

-Oh! [shouts] -I found him.

Argh! [groans]

Thank you.

Right, all I need now is the fat of a Nubian ibex.

As in an ibex that lives on the lands of our mortal enemies, the Nubians?

-Yes, indeed. -Great, well I'll just go and...

-It's your head, mate. -Cheers.

-Huh. [sighs] -Oh careful,

you almost spilt me snake fat.

You've have had to go and get some more.

All I need now is some crocodile fat.

Do you think we could not do this one at a time,

just give me the whole list now.

That's it, all we need is crocodile fat.

-You sure? -Absolutely.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Crocodile. All done.

Yep. We've er, oh no, I forgot to read the other side of the list.

We need lion fat.

[sighs]

Do you sell wigs?

[narrator woman] In some medical scrolls,

ancient Egyptians describe how to make medicine

using 19 different types of what?

A, pee,

B, poo,

or C, plums.

The answer is, B.

Medicines were made from all sorts of poo in ancient Egypt

from fly droppings to ostrich poo.

And number two's were used in beauty treatments as well. Ergh!

[narrator woman] This season, treat yourself to the all in one

ancient Egyptian beauty set, eyeliner, face makeup and moisturiser

in one easy to use pack.

It's got to be, only for men.

What? Men?

[narrator] That's right, it's got everything

an Egyptian man needs to look his best.

Stunning black lead eyeliner.

Luscious clay makeup for cheeks and lips and there's more.

Buy The Only For Men beauty kit today

and get this Only For Men leg hair removal cream absolutely free.

[narrator woman] Only for men.

[narrator] Yes, with our new improved formula

of oil, bird bones, cucumber and gum, now with the added fly dung.

You can make embarrassing leg hair a thing of the past.

Simply heat the cream,

apply to the affected area and wait for it to set.

Then pull it off, bringing all the unwanted hair with it.

[screams in pain]

[narrator] Just look at the difference. Before, no pain. After, lots of pain.

[narrator woman] Only for men.

[narrator] Look like a man

with the Only For Men ancient Egyptian beauty set, only for men.

[narrator woman] Only for men.

[narrator] Now, that's what I call macho.

Does my bottom look big in this?

[narrator woman] Only for men.

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

I'm here in Middle Ages England on my way to meet a man

who's planning to build a massive extension

and all this while he's working full time as King of England.

His name is Edward I.

Hello.

And just how big is this extension of yours gonna be?

Around 8,000 square miles, give or take.

It really is massive and what would you call that, a conservatory,

-a garden room? -Well, I call it Wales.

[narrator] Edward's plan is to extend his current home of England

out to the West to incorporate all of the neighbouring country of Wales,

where the Welsh live.

He plans to underpin this new extension

with an ambitious building programme

that includes several of the largest castles ever built,

including Beaumarais, Harlech, Caernarvon and Conway.

And how is the project going down with the neighbours?

Good, I think, yeah, good.

[Welshman] Excuse me, I don't mean to be any bother,

but you seem to be building a giant castle in the back of my garden,

-and I was just wondering-- -Take that, you Welsh scum.

[Welshman screams in pain]

You wouldn't say there were any tensions?

Oh, you're talking about the budget. Because, I'm proud to say that

despite this being one of the most extensive

castle building projects in history, we're well within budget.

Mainly, because there isn't one.

I'm so rich, I've told my architect, Master James of St George. [laughs]

I don't care what it costs. And of course

we're stealing only the best locally sourced materials for the stonework.

I can't help noticing your relationship with the locals could be better?

Oh really, how?

-[Edward I roars] -[Welshman screams]

You could stop killing them for a start.

Well, that's what all the castles are for, you see,

once they've been built we won't have any of this unpleasantness.

There'll be an army there to keep them quiet.

For me, it's all about sustainability.

The castles can sustain an English army in Wales.

[roaring]

You see, they're getting it already.

-I like him. -Do you think

you're gonna be able to bring this project in on time, Edward?

Yes, I hope to be finished within two years.

And then you can put your feet up and enjoy your new extension.

[laughs] Oh, no, then I start extending out the back.

-Out the back? -Out the back.

Here.

You don't mean Scotland?

You say potato, I say potato.

You say Scotland,

I say excellent potential for an extension to my English Kingdom.

Edward's project may be controversial,

but you've got to admire its scale and ambition.

Although, his plans to build a new extension in Scotland

have come to a halt due to a dispute with neighbour, William Wallace.

You may take our lives,

but you will never get planning permission to build all those castles in Scotland.

-Really? -No.

It's just not gonna happen. Completely no.

Yes, Edward I fought the Scottish and the Welsh very aggressively.

William Wallace defended the Scots

but it would be over 100 years

before a Welsh man would rise up against the English.

♪ I'm a Welsh noble I mobilised Wales 'gainst the English ♪

♪ He is Owain Glyndwr! ♪

♪ Fought King Henry IV because Wales abhorred English rule ♪

♪ It's not unusual! ♪

♪ But my uprising ♪

♪ It went a bit wrong and this song Tells the surprising tale ♪

♪ Wo wo wo Owain Glyndwr ♪

♪ Welsh hero of the hour ♪

♪ It all began ♪

♪ Cos my neighbour, a vindictive man ♪

♪ Baron Grey de Ruthyn was Spreading untrue things about me ♪

♪ Said I was a rebel who planned To repel England's king ♪

♪ From the green grass of home ♪

♪ Not really true, but then more than A few were convinced ♪

♪ We were ready to fight ♪

♪ So I decided ♪

♪ To take up the mantle Was given the handle of ♪

♪ Prince of Wales ♪

♪ You don't have to be Welsh To feel Welsh pride ♪ ♪ Even King's man Henry Hotspur Ended up on my side ♪

♪ We claimed Welsh ground ♪

♪ Then in Hereford rain meant ♪

♪ The King nearly drowned ♪

♪ Washed away in his tent ♪

♪ So partly thanks to Welsh weather I was crowned ♪

♪ Think I'm gonna dance now! ♪

♪ I had great plans for new government New law and churches ♪

♪ So what's new pussycat? ♪

♪ But Henry IV had dried off And revenge was his game ♪

♪ Thought that he'd help himself! ♪

♪ We were defeated ♪

♪ He blocked supplies to Wales ♪

♪ Our crops failed and starvation came ♪

♪ Wo wo wo Owain Glyndwr ♪

♪ My family sent to the Tower ♪

♪ As Welsh towns fell ♪

♪ And we all know that never ends well ♪

♪ So I disappeared, but my name is Revered throughout Wales ♪

♪ Wo wo wo Owain Glyndwr ♪

♪ Father of the fight for Welsh power ♪

♪ Welsh legend holds ♪

♪ That should Wales ever need Someone bold ♪

♪ I'll rise up to help them ♪

♪ Mind you, I'm six hundred years old ♪

♪ Henffych well i'r arwr mawr Cymru Owain Glyndwr! ♪