Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

Queen Victoria's Coronation was a truly grand occasion, as you'd expect.

But there were a few hiccups. Good day.

[narrator] You join us on a splendid summer's day

in 1838 in London's Westminster Abbey

to celebrate the Coronation of our new Queen Victoria at the tender age of 18.

...now the ring.

The Archbishop now moves to place the Coronation ring on Victoria's finger.

-Ouch, that's the wrong finger. -Sorry.

[narrator] Oh, dear, the ring would seem to be...

-Argh. -...well and truly stuck.

-Argh, Archbishop you're hurting me. -Terribly sorry.

And now with the ring on the right finger Victoria receives the Royal Crown.

I now pronounce you Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain

and Ireland. The Duke of Lancaster and the Duke of Cornwall.

-Really? -That's what it says here.

And next in accordance with the great traditions of the land

it's time for the British Lords to touch the new Queen's crown.

-Congratulations, ma'am. -Thank you, now get lost.

And coming up the stairs it's 82 year old, Lord Rolle.

Congratulations, Ma'am. Oh!

And there goes Lord Rolle, rolling down the stairs.

And now as is customary, the Queen's Treasurer scatters

gold and silver medals amongst the Lordly congregation.

-[Rolle] Oh! -[narrator] Touching scenes indeed.

One is most terribly amused. [laughs]

As a child, Victoria suffered from episcophobia, a fear of Bishops.

Just as well she got over it before she was crowned

or her coronation would have been even sillier.

Oh, help, it's a Bishop, help, it's a Bishop, oh, oh.

Calm, calm, calm dear.

Hm. In 1840, Victoria married Prince Albert

and he wasn't a very popular choice, oh no.

[laughs]

Cedric, look, have you ever seen anything so ridiculous in your entire life?

Oh, my giddy aunt, don't these people have mirrors?

-And he's married to the Queen. -Maybe moustaches are big in Germany.

They're certainly not over here.

He wonders why he's so unpopular with the British public.

Wondering around with that ludicrous bogey buffer stretched across his face.

[laughs]

Oh, look, army types, they're always up for a laugh, come on.

I say chaps, have you seen Prince Albert's ludicrous moustaaaa. Ah.

-I beg your pardon? -I said, how are you?

No, you didn't. Do I look like an idiot to you?

-A little bit. Around the lips. -True.

And this area round here sort of thing...

For your information gentleman, a moustache is the very height of fashion.

[both laugh]

Clearly you chaps haven't been involved in the Crimean campaign.

Skin infections caused by razor cuts have our soldiers

dropping like flies over there, so us officers stopped shaving

grew our facial hair, soon the men followed suit

and now we're back here the craze is spreading like wildfire.

You were saying? [laughs]

[man 1] Dear Cedric,

it would appear that you and I are suddenly deeply unfashionable.

Speak for yourself, mate. Gentlemen.

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about new Roman dog.

The cuddly companion who puts the fur into multifurpose.

So you have a wart? Oh! I'll take that as a yes.

But don't worry, help is at paw.

[shouty man] Simply mix some wee wee from New Roman Dog with some mud

apply to the affected abomination and your wart will disappear.

Meaning urine great shape. I made a joke with words.

-It's still there. -It's only a little dog mate.

And if your affliction is more serious than a wart.

Then Roman Dog is here to help.

An all over body rub down with a puppy

is the perfect canine cure for all manner of illness. Feeling better love?

Actually I do feel a bit better for that.

That's because Gavin here has cured you. Oh, that's wonderful. [coughs]

And New Roman Dog doesn't stop at curing illness.

Oh no, he'll also howl if someone has died.

-[coughs] -[dog barks]

Either you cured her or you didn't, Gavin, you can't have it both ways. [laughs]

And even when your doggy dies, he's still as useful as ever.

[shouty man] In fact, the gallbladder of a black dog

is a valued ingredient in all sorts of magic.

Mystical spirits, bring my dog back to life.

Huh. Probably shouldn't have taken his gallbladder out.

And the blood from New Roman Dog placed

under the threshold of your house will keep away evil spirits.

[howling]

Sorry, mate, we've got dog's blood. Try next door.

See.

So get your New Roman Dog today. You'd be barking mad not to.

And don't worry, the dog's fine. Never leave me, Gavin.

Romans also believed that if you've been bitten by a mad dog

then you could be cured by using the hair of the dog that bit you.

Though just how you're meant to get a hair off the mad dog

without getting bitten again is anyone's guess.

Yes, those Romans believed in some pretty crazy cures.

Oh, come in.

Thank you. I seek the wisdom of the wisest Roman of all,

Marcus Porcius Cato.

Revered soldier, esteemed statesman and venerated thinker.

And cabbage farmer, what's the problem?

Well I'm looking for a cure for my ill son.

-Hm, yes, he does look a bit peaky. -Yes, his glands are up around his neck.

Well you know what's good for that, don't you? A cabbage.

Get that down you boy. That'll soon stop the swelling.

Ah, see... I'm not sure that's going to work.

Oh it looks like he's got the sweats too. A cabbage should cool him down.

-Ah. Actually I'm not sure. -Best thing for it. Ah.

Do you know, I don't think this was actually a very good idea.

Oh, has he got a rash on his neck?

To get rid of that, take one cabbage after every meal. Breakfast.

Lunch.

Dinner.

And one before you go to bed, help you get off to sleep.

Everyone knows that cabbages are good for insomnia.

I think we're actually going to leave it there.

Oh hey now.

Are you casting doubt on the wonder drug powers of the cabbage?

Yes, I am, and I think all of the great medics of Rome

-would share that opinion. -Well they're idiots.

And in the case of my son, we were strongly advised against cabbages.

And why in Jupiter's name would they do that?

-He's allergic. To cabbages. -I think I have a cure for that.

-Huh! -Soup. Hot cabbage soup.

-I'll go and make him up a pot. -Oh. You dropped one.

Yeah, sorry about that, er, it's all the cabbages I've been eating.

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

[woman narrator] In Georgian times guests at a dinner party would think

it was normal behaviour to do what when they needed a wee?

A, wee outside. B, wee in the dining room or C, hold it until they got home?

The answer is... B.

They stayed in the dining room and wee'd in a potty

whilst still joining in the conversation.

Yes, Georgian dinner parties really could be pretty strange.

[narrator] Previously on Georgian Come Dine With Me.

George III served up a plate of branches.

Welcome to my dining room, now who wants a steak from my beef tree?

Oh! Of all the fathers in all the world, he had to be mine.

[narrator] Friend of the Prince Regent and dandy, Beau Brummel,

didn't have time to serve anything at all, but looked absolutely gorgeous

after taking his usual five hours to get dressed.

Ta dah. Oh! I don't believe it.

One of my cuffs is a millimetre longer than the other.

-Do you chaps mind if I change? -[all] Yes.

Oh!

[narrator] And famous traveller, surgeon and entrepreneur, Dean Mahomed,

brought the others to the first ever Indian restaurant in London.

Where they experienced a rare treat called curry.

I fear the taste may be a little strong for the British palate.

[coughs] It's unlikely to find many fans over here.

Are you gonna finish that?

[narrator] It's day four and with his guests on the way the Prince Regent

and future George IV, heads down to the kitchen.

But he's got some bad news for his chef.

Basically everyone's favourite Prince is horribly in debt

so tonight if you could just give us the absolute basic minimum.

Okay.

60 courses of the finest European cuisine.

Got to tighten one's belt while the money's short.

And dad's still got control of the royal purse.

Knowing my luck, he's probably eaten it.

[narrator] George's personal cook is celebrity chef Antonim Careme,

the man who invented haute cuisine.

Yes, Antonim's worked for all the greats, me, Napoleon

The Tsar of Russia, and me.

Good food can be very simple.

-Take my vol-au-vent. -Don't mind if I do.

Breadcrumbs, mushrooms, nutmeg, cream, lobster tails, chicken jellies,

calves udders, lambs glands, sheep's brain.

[narrator] What simple dish isn't complete without a bit of sheep's brain?

I don't think George likes it.

The Prince Regent's guests have arrived and are ready to eat.

Although King George is having trouble parking his invisible kangaroo.

Woo hoo, kangaroo. Down, boy.

[narrator] As usual the meal is served à la française, which means

put everything on the table and grab whatever you possibly can.

Oye! Save some for me.

[narrator] Chillax George, there are 60 courses.

Time for those all important scores.

It's a stylish seven from Beau Brummel.

The food was awful.

But as he'll be needing help from the Prince Regent to open a bath house

in Brighton, Dean Mahomed's given him a ten.

Argh!

And it's a chicken from George III, meaning the winner of the £1,000 is...

It's me, I won. Yes, get in so much. Yes, I can finally start paying off my debts. Oh, thank you.

I promise to use this money responsibly.

Or we can all go for supper. On me.

Dean Mahomed opened some steam baths in Brighton

where he treated people for all sorts of ailments using herbs and vapours.

He even treated George IV.

He was known as a pooing surgeon.

No, no wait a minute, sorry, that's not right, is it?

I meant to say shampooing surgeon. Actually, shall we just take that again?

[narrator] Groovy Greeks.

Alexander the Great of Macedonia really didn't hand around.

By the age of 22 he'd conquered virtually the whole of Greece.

But he just couldn't stop expanding his Empire. Some people are never happy.

[narrator] Are you fed up now you've finished

Alexander's conquest of Greece board game?

Why stop there?

Keep adding to your Empire with the all new Persia expansion.

The new Persia expansion game is awesome.

I'm gonna fight an army of one million men.

A million, it sounds a bit hard.

Yes, eat my army. I've come from Persia, game over.

Oh, no.

Wait a minute, guys, the game's not over yet.

[narrator] That's right. Just when you think you can pack up and go home.

You'll be made to play Alexander's new conquest.

The Egypt expansion board.

Are you sure? It's just getting late.

Yeah, maybe we should quit while it's still fun.

Well I'm having fun. And it's my game.

-Y-yes, fun game. -Yah.

Oh, look, I've just conquered Egypt.

-Oh no, game over. -No.

No. That's right er.

[narrator] Alexander's conquest of Greece, Persia and Egypt expansion comes

with the conquest of India expansion board too.

Oh, come on.

I only really came round to conquer Persia, so.

I want to conquer India now.

Yeah, that could take a while.

I did say I'd pick my sister up from the swimming pool.

We've just been attacked by elephants.

What is an elephant?

Once we conquer India, can we go home because--

What do you think?

[narrator] You've guessed it. Alexander's conquest of Greece, Persian Egypt

and India expansion comes

with the 'To the ends of the earth expansion' board.

We are going to keep playing this game until this board covers the whole world.

Guys?

Alexander's conquest of Greece, Persia, Egypt and India

with the "To the ends of the earth expansion' board game.

Play it until no one will play with you anymore.

Right. Who is that voice?

Alexander's Empire was huge and stretched over

five million square kilometres, which is massive.

Almost as big as Alexander's ego.

Yes, that Alexander really was quite a character.

[applause, soft music]

♪Alexander is my name Macedonia's most famous ♪

♪ Commander history calls "The Great" but I prefer "The Greatest" ♪

♪ A King aged only 20 When my dad assassinated ♪

♪ Advisors called for calm but frankly Peace is over-rated ♪

♪ Crushed rebels in Greek city states ♪

♪ So thousands of them martyrs ♪

♪ Made short labour of my neighbours ♪

♪ And that was just for starters ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ Full-time fighter ♪

♪ Made my home rule secure ♪

♪ But that wasn't enough ♪

♪ I wanted more, more, more! ♪

♪ And so began my master-plan To conquer by invasion ♪

♪ Started with dad's enemy The famous Persian nation ♪ ♪ Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience ♪

♪ But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius ♪

♪ Founded Egypt's Alexandria ♪

♪ Named for the greatest man alive ♪

♪ I was now Pharoah and King of Persia ♪

♪ Not bad for 25 ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ Victorious fighter ♪

♪ "The Greatest" sounds flat ♪

♪ How about "The living God"? ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll buy that ♪

♪ My loyal followers said "That's the stuff" ♪

♪ But I, a born warrior Said "it's not enough" ♪

♪ "Let's take India Last man there's a fool" ♪

♪ Started wearing Persian clothes boy I looked so cool ♪

♪ But made my troops suspicious ♪

♪ Men called me too ambitious ♪

♪ Said they wouldn't follow me ♪

♪ Guitar solo, Ptolemy ♪

[guitar playing]

♪ Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far ♪

♪ He'll found the dynasty That ends with Cleopatra ♪

♪ Then there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course ♪

♪ Unless you count Bucephalus But he's a horse ♪

Why the long face, my friend?

[horse whinnying]

♪ Anyway, together it was going grand ♪

♪ Til Heph and Bucy died And my men took a stand ♪

♪ I wanted to continue But my hands were tied ♪

♪ So I sat in my tent and I cried ♪

♪ Oooh! ♪

♪ Alexander ♪

♪ No more a fighter ♪

♪ Adventures had to stop ♪

♪ Cos 323 BC ♪

♪ Saw me drop ♪

♪ Dead ♪

[narrator] Potty Pioneers.

[narrator] It's 1928 and historical grime fighters, Louis and Dave

have come to the laboratory of scientist Alexander Fleming

in St. Mary's Hospital, London.

Yeah, we've had problems with Mr Fleming before.

He's a brilliant scientist, supposedly.

But he's not a brilliant tidy upper, I can tell you that for nothing.

Oh, crikey, this is worse than your bedroom, this is Dave.

There's dirty pots and dishes everywhere.

Full of highly infectious bacteria.

Oh, I don't believe this Dave!

He's been experimenting with bacteria

and he's gone on holiday without tidying up after himself first.

There's mould in that Petri dish.

-Oh, here he comes, Dr Doolittle. -What's going on?

Tell you what's going on, you're gonna clean up this laboratory

-starting with that mould there. -Extraordinary.

Not really, mate, that's what happens

when you go on holiday and leave your dirty dishes.

Look, look. The Staphylococci bacteria on this is completely normal, right?

Whereas in this dish, it's been destroyed by the mould.

-Do you know what this means? -Blooming strong mould.

Exactly. I must grow some more.

Er, I don't think so, mate. Dave, the mould killer.

No, stop, look, you don't understand, right?

This mould stops other bacteria from growing.

I mean, this could be a really important medical discovery.

One day we could use this to treat infections.

Oh, right, doctor, I'm feeling really ill, that's alright here's some mould.

I reckon I'll win a prize for this one day.

Yeah, you will mate. The Filthiest Laboratory Award, 1928.

Here's your reward. Right, come, come on, Dave, let's get out of here.

I'd like to thank me mum for, for never making me clean my room.

Disgusting.

That's enough of your jibber jabber, Dave.

Dr Fleming had actually discovered penicillin,

an antibiotic which is still widely used today.

And in 1945 he shared a Nobel Prize.

I've grown plenty of mould and I've never been given a prize for it.

Back in the early 1900's, another potty pioneer was making his name.

[thrilling music playing]

Hello, I'm here to pitch one of the greatest adventure stories in history.

My team's journey to Antarctica.

Listen, Scotty of the Antarctic, the last thing we wanna hear

is a boring story about a bunch of guys who got to the South Pole

and then all froze to death on the way home.

-Talk about a story without any warmth. -Depressing.

No, no, I think there's been some confusion. I'm not Scott.

Scott died on his way back from the South Pole in 1912.

Ah, you must be Amundsen, the Norwegian guy

who got there 33 days before Scott.

Now that's more interesting. Apparently he used dogs to pull the sledges.

Are these talking dogs?

Lady and the Tramp goes skiing. That's a yes from me.

No, no, I'm not Amundsen either. I'm Ernest Shackleton.

So you weren't first or second to the South Pole?

No, actually my team never made it at all.

Great! Because films about massive losers

who don't achieve anything make such big hits.

-How close did you get? -About 200 miles.

-Is this a comedy? -No it's a thrilling adventure.

Oh, beam me up, Scotty of Arctic, I want out of this meeting.

Out voyage of discovery was something of a failure

but it's what happened next, that's the amazing story.

Our ship, the Endurance, got stuck in the ice for nine months.

Eventually the force of the ice cracked the hull of the ship

and we had to abandon it, leaving most of the men behind on the frozen beach,

six of us went for help in a small rowing boat.

Okay, you've got my attention.

We travelled for 800 miles, in two weeks, in the most horrendous conditions.

And then what happened?

We landed on the island of South Georgia where we knew there was a whaling station

but we were on the wrong side of the island.

-[moans] -In our way was a huge mountain range.

Incredibly three of us managed to make it across

and charter a boat to rescue the rest of the men.

Amazingly every single one of them survived.

-Yes. -Hooray.

They're alive, they're alive.

-Here you get yourself a movie deal. -Oh, thank you.

I assume everybody lived happily ever after?

Actually, no.

Most of them were called up and killed a couple of years later

in the First World War.

-Well there goes the sequel. -It's a no from me.

And you got three no's.

-Thanks for coming. -Right, fine, I'm off. Better hurry up or the Norwegian team will beat you!

That was the other guy!

He's going outside for a walk, he may be some time.

-The other guy. -I find him very cold.

Hm. Chilling.

[narrator] Savage Stone Age.

I am man, good at music.

Neanderthal even make flute 40,000 year ago.

[narrator] Available at last from Neanderthal Records

"Now that's what me call music".

The first ever musical notes played on the first ever musical instrument.

A hollowed out animal bone. Collected together on one unforgettable album.

Now that what me call music.

Music good, me like it.

Featuring the ground breaking three notes in any old order.

Oh, beautiful.

[narrator] The remarkable four notes in any old order.

Oh! Very good.

[narrator] And the smash hit, "Smash Hit".

Oh! Broken.

[narrator] "Now that's what me call music", available while Neanderthals last.

What do you mean, "while Neanderthals last"?

What this?

[groans]

It's true. A flute made from animal bone is thought to be

the oldest musical instrument in the world.

That's if you don't count the bum trumpet. [farts]

Ah, sweet music.

Stone Age man had many uses for animal bones

and they came from some very unusual animals.

[acoustic music playing]

Hello, I'm an over excitable wildlife presenter.

And I'm an even more over excitable wildlife presenter.

And I'm really excited today.

But not as excited as me.

Because we're here in Stone Age times

for a really special edition of Historical Springwatch. [presenter 1] We're in the Pleistocene era where we've got hidden cameras

deep inside the habitats of this era's most extraordinary animals.

-They really are extraordinary. -I just said that.

-Sorry. -Let's take a look at the Toxodon.

[presenter 1] The Toxodon is a giant three toed mammal.

It's a sort of a cross between the hippopotamus and a gerbil.

Imagine that, a sort of giant hairy hippo.

Well, you don't have to imagine it

because we're going to see one any second now.

Oh! It seems the Toxodon's been eaten by an early man.

[presenter 2] That's exciting to see too.

Homosapien's surviving by making use of any food available to him.

Not to worry, we've got plenty of other breathtaking giant mammals for you.

[presenter 1] So let's take a look at the Megatherium we've been following.

This sloth can grow up to 6 metres long.

[presenter 1] And we've been following this guy for more than...

-Oh! He's done it again. -Can we check out the other cameras.

-[presenter 2] He's scoffed the lot. -If he carries on like this

early man's going to end up killing off all these fantastic mega animals.

Well, not on my Springwatch, let me tell you.

Oy, you there, did you never stop to think that people in the future

might actually want to see giant panthers

giant sloths, even giant sabre toothed tigers?

[animal roaring]

Actually you have my permission to kill this one.

Where are you going?

[presenter 1] Oh! What extraordinary teeth you have.

[laughs] Well, er, join me tomorrow when we'll, er, I'll be looking at a bull

that's the size of a small elephant

and then early man will be turning it into hamburgers. See you then.

[narrator] Putrid Pirates.

Us pirates could be dead hard to understand.

Especially for those people we held captive. Argh.

Do they know who I am? I mean, who's in charge here?

-Ah, heave to me, hearties. -Are you the man in charge?

-That be me, you landlubber. -I'm sorry, what was that?

Er, I am reasonably familiar with er, pirate parlance.

-Perhaps I could translate? -Er, proceed.

A landlubber basically means someone who is clumsy while aboard a ship.

If that's what you mean, why don't you just speak properly?

-Silence, scurvy knave. -Oh, he's at it again. Translation please!

Scurvy is a nasty disease you can get at sea.

And knave, well he's basically calling you a villain, Sir. If he wants to call me a scabby villain, why didn't he just say so?

Well shiver me timbers, I'll have this bilge rat keelhauled.

[sighs]

Well if a ship gets a sudden blast from a cannon then the wooden masts

or timbers are shaken or shivered. It's kind of an expression of surprise.

And bilge is the very bottom of a ship, dirty stinking place filled with rats.

-Hence bilge rat. -And keelhauled?

A traditional pirate punishment where your feet are tied

and you are dragged under the water

rubbing against the barnacled bottom of the ship.

You'd be torn to pieces.

That threat certainly would have had me quaking in my boots.

If I'd had any idea what it meant. Speak English.

-Ah, Paul, sew his mouth up. -Huh, translation please?

Sew his mouth up.

Oh, shiver me timbers. I think I've just filled my keel with bilge.

Now you're getting the hang of it mate. Ah, Ah! [laughs]

[TV theme music playing]

Hello and welcome to HH TV Sport,

bringing you live sport direct from the past.

Today, we've got a truly extraordinary sporting spectacle lined up for you.

The Pirate Races.

To find out more, I hand you over to our commentary team in the Georgian era.

So here we are at the Pirate Race course,

a recently captured merchant ship.

[John] This promises to be the most amazing race

the riders and their jockeys now taking their positions at the starting line.

[John] And here they are, three experienced pirate jockeys

and three captured monks.

Well as you know pirates are a twisted lot.

They take particular pleasure in tormenting these religious men.

[John] And they're under starters orders.

[seagull crying]

And they're off.

[presenter] Well, it's a cracking start to a race.

[John] They're approaching the first obstacle now which is a board of nails.

[presenter] This race course is a recently captured merchant ship.

The merchants have tried to prevent the pirates capturing the ship

by putting down a board full of nails right across the deck. [John] Oh dear, Brother Carlos has trodden on one.

Oh and there goes his vow of silence, that is unfortunate.

[John] Oh and just look at this, Brother Miguel's jockey is making him

drink rum at gunpoint. Is that normal?

[presenter] I'm afraid so.

Some pirates amuse themselves by forcing monks to get drunk.

But this is the first time I've actually seen it used in an actual race.

[presenter] Brother Miguel really feeling the effects of the rum there.

[John] And here's the next obstacle

the merchants have put butter and peas on the deck?

That's to make the deck slippy for the pirates.

[John] And the riders certainly struggling with this one.

[John] Slipping into the lead there is Father Xavier.

Lazy monk, come on.

Whose jockey is making judicious use of the cat o' nine tails.

Well that's the pirate's whip of choice.

[presenter] And they're coming up to the finishing line

and it's Father Xavier who wins by a bald head.

[John] And his jockey receives his well deserved winner's trophy,

his to treasure.

No, not for long, John.

Well that's pirates for you. [laughs]

Back to the studio.

[both laugh]