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♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous GeorgiansSlimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪
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♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious FightsDingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪
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♪ Horrors that defy descriptionCut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪
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♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel CrimePunishments from ancient times ♪
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♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthlessCavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪
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♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stagesMean and Measley Middle Ages ♪
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♪ Gory Stories we do thatAnd your host a talking rat ♪
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪
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♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪
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[narrator] Vile Victorians.
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Queen Victoria's Coronation was a truly
grand occasion, as you'd expect.
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But there were a few hiccups. Good day.
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[narrator] You join us ona splendid summer's day
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in 1838 in London's Westminster Abbey
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to celebrate the Coronation of our newQueen Victoria at the tender age of 18.
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...now the ring.
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The Archbishop now moves to placethe Coronation ring on Victoria's finger.
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-Ouch, that's the wrong finger.
-Sorry.
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[narrator] Oh, dear, the ringwould seem to be...
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-Argh.
-...well and truly stuck.
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-Argh, Archbishop you're hurting me.
-Terribly sorry.
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And now with the ring on the right fingerVictoria receives the Royal Crown.
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I now pronounce you Queen
of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
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and Ireland. The Duke of Lancaster
and the Duke of Cornwall.
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-Really?
-That's what it says here.
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And next in accordancewith the great traditions of the land
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it's time for the British Lordsto touch the new Queen's crown.
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-Congratulations, ma'am.
-Thank you, now get lost.
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And coming up the stairsit's 82 year old, Lord Rolle.
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Congratulations, Ma'am. Oh!
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And there goes Lord Rolle,rolling down the stairs.
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And now as is customary,the Queen's Treasurer scatters
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gold and silver medalsamongst the Lordly congregation.
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-[Rolle] Oh!-[narrator] Touching scenes indeed.
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One is most terribly amused. [laughs]
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As a child, Victoria suffered
from episcophobia, a fear of Bishops.
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Just as well she got over it
before she was crowned
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or her coronation would
have been even sillier.
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Oh, help, it's a Bishop,
help, it's a Bishop, oh, oh.
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Calm, calm, calm dear.
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Hm. In 1840,
Victoria married Prince Albert
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and he wasn't a very popular
choice, oh no.
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[laughs]
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Cedric, look, have you ever seen anything
so ridiculous in your entire life?
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Oh, my giddy aunt,
don't these people have mirrors?
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-And he's married to the Queen.
-Maybe moustaches are big in Germany.
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They're certainly not over here.
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He wonders why he's so unpopular
with the British public.
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Wondering around with that ludicrous
bogey buffer stretched across his face.
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[laughs]
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Oh, look, army types, they're
always up for a laugh, come on.
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I say chaps, have you seen Prince
Albert's ludicrous moustaaaa. Ah.
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-I beg your pardon?
-I said, how are you?
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No, you didn't.
Do I look like an idiot to you?
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-A little bit. Around the lips.
-True.
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And this area round here sort of thing...
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For your information gentleman,
a moustache is the very height of fashion.
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[both laugh]
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Clearly you chaps haven't been involved
in the Crimean campaign.
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Skin infections caused
by razor cuts have our soldiers
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dropping like flies over there,
so us officers stopped shaving
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grew our facial hair,
soon the men followed suit
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and now we're back here
the craze is spreading like wildfire.
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You were saying? [laughs]
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[man 1] Dear Cedric,
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it would appear that you and I are
suddenly deeply unfashionable.
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Speak for yourself, mate. Gentlemen.
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[narrator] Rotten Romans.
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Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here
to tell you about new Roman dog.
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The cuddly companion who puts
the fur into multifurpose.
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So you have a wart?
Oh! I'll take that as a yes.
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But don't worry, help is at paw.
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[shouty man] Simply mix some wee wee fromNew Roman Dog with some mud
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apply to the affected abomination
and your wart will disappear.
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Meaning urine great shape.
I made a joke with words.
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-It's still there.
-It's only a little dog mate.
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And if your affliction
is more serious than a wart.
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Then Roman Dog is here to help.
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An all over body rub down with a puppy
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is the perfect canine cure for all
manner of illness. Feeling better love?
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Actually I do feel a bit better for that.
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That's because Gavin here has cured you. Oh, that's wonderful. [coughs]
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And New Roman Dog
doesn't stop at curing illness.
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Oh no, he'll also howl
if someone has died.
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-[coughs]
-[dog barks]
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Either you cured her or you didn't, Gavin,
you can't have it both ways. [laughs]
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And even when your doggy dies,
he's still as useful as ever.
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[shouty man] In fact,the gallbladder of a black dog
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is a valued ingredientin all sorts of magic.
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Mystical spirits,
bring my dog back to life.
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Huh. Probably shouldn't
have taken his gallbladder out.
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And the blood from New Roman Dog placed
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under the threshold of your house
will keep away evil spirits.
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[howling]
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Sorry, mate, we've got dog's blood.
Try next door.
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See.
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So get your New Roman Dog today.
You'd be barking mad not to.
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And don't worry, the dog's fine.
Never leave me, Gavin.
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Romans also believed
that if you've been bitten by a mad dog
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then you could be cured by using
the hair of the dog that bit you.
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Though just how you're meant to get
a hair off the mad dog
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without getting bitten again
is anyone's guess.
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Yes, those Romans believed
in some pretty crazy cures.
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Oh, come in.
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Thank you. I seek the wisdom
of the wisest Roman of all,
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Marcus Porcius Cato.
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Revered soldier, esteemed
statesman and venerated thinker.
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And cabbage farmer, what's the problem?
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Well I'm looking
for a cure for my ill son.
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-Hm, yes, he does look a bit peaky.
-Yes, his glands are up around his neck.
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Well you know what's good
for that, don't you? A cabbage.
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Get that down you boy.
That'll soon stop the swelling.
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Ah, see... I'm not sure
that's going to work.
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Oh it looks like he's got the sweats too.
A cabbage should cool him down.
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-Ah. Actually I'm not sure.
-Best thing for it. Ah.
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Do you know, I don't think
this was actually a very good idea.
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Oh, has he got a rash on his neck?
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To get rid of that, take one cabbage
after every meal. Breakfast.
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Lunch.
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Dinner.
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And one before you go to bed,
help you get off to sleep.
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Everyone knows that cabbages
are good for insomnia.
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I think we're actually going
to leave it there.
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Oh hey now.
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Are you casting doubt on the wonder
drug powers of the cabbage?
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Yes, I am, and I think all
of the great medics of Rome
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-would share that opinion.
-Well they're idiots.
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And in the case of my son, we were
strongly advised against cabbages.
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And why in Jupiter's name
would they do that?
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-He's allergic. To cabbages.
-I think I have a cure for that.
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-Huh!
-Soup. Hot cabbage soup.
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-I'll go and make him up a pot.
-Oh. You dropped one.
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Yeah, sorry about that, er, it's all
the cabbages I've been eating.
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[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.
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[woman narrator] In Georgian times guestsat a dinner party would think
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it was normal behaviour to do whatwhen they needed a wee?
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A, wee outside. B, wee in the dining roomor C, hold it until they got home?
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The answer is... B.
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They stayed in the dining roomand wee'd in a potty
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whilst still joining in the conversation.
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Yes, Georgian dinner parties reallycould be pretty strange.
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[narrator]
Previously on Georgian Come Dine With Me.
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George III served up a plate of branches.
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Welcome to my dining room, now who
wants a steak from my beef tree?
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Oh! Of all the fathers in all the world,
he had to be mine.
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[narrator] Friend of the Prince Regentand dandy, Beau Brummel,
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didn't have time to serve anything at all,but looked absolutely gorgeous
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after taking his usual five hoursto get dressed.
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Ta dah. Oh! I don't believe it.
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One of my cuffs is a millimetre
longer than the other.
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-Do you chaps mind if I change?
-[all] Yes.
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Oh!
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[narrator] And famous traveller, surgeonand entrepreneur, Dean Mahomed,
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brought the others to the first everIndian restaurant in London.
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Where they experienceda rare treat called curry.
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I fear the taste may be a little strong
for the British palate.
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[coughs] It's unlikely to find
many fans over here.
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Are you gonna finish that?
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[narrator] It's day four and with hisguests on the way the Prince Regent
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and future George IV,heads down to the kitchen.
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But he's got some bad news for his chef.
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Basically everyone's favourite
Prince is horribly in debt
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so tonight if you could just give
us the absolute basic minimum.
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Okay.
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60 courses of the finest European cuisine.
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Got to tighten one's belt
while the money's short.
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And dad's still got control
of the royal purse.
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Knowing my luck, he's probably eaten it.
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[narrator] George's personal cookis celebrity chef Antonim Careme,
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the man who invented haute cuisine.
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Yes, Antonim's worked
for all the greats, me, Napoleon
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The Tsar of Russia, and me.
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Good food can be very simple.
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-Take my vol-au-vent.
-Don't mind if I do.
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Breadcrumbs, mushrooms, nutmeg,
cream, lobster tails, chicken jellies,
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calves udders, lambs glands,
sheep's brain.
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[narrator] What simple dish isn'tcomplete without a bit of sheep's brain?
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I don't think George likes it.
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The Prince Regent's guests have arrivedand are ready to eat.
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Although King George is havingtrouble parking his invisible kangaroo.
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Woo hoo, kangaroo. Down, boy.
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[narrator] As usual the meal is served
à la française, which means
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put everything on the table andgrab whatever you possibly can.
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Oye! Save some for me.
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[narrator]
Chillax George, there are 60 courses.
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Time for those all important scores.
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It's a stylish seven from Beau Brummel.
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The food was awful.
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But as he'll be needing help from thePrince Regent to open a bath house
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in Brighton, Dean Mahomed'sgiven him a ten.
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Argh!
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00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:23,400
And it's a chicken from George III,meaning the winner of the £1,000 is...
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It's me, I won. Yes, get in so much. Yes, I can finally start
paying off my debts. Oh, thank you.
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I promise to use this money responsibly.
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Or we can all go for supper. On me.
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Dean Mahomed opened some
steam baths in Brighton
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where he treated people for all sorts
of ailments using herbs and vapours.
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He even treated George IV.
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He was known as a pooing surgeon.
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No, no wait a minute, sorry,
that's not right, is it?
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I meant to say shampooing surgeon.
Actually, shall we just take that again?
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[narrator] Groovy Greeks.
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Alexander the Great of Macedonia
really didn't hand around.
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By the age of 22 he'd conquered
virtually the whole of Greece.
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00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,640
But he just couldn't stop expanding
his Empire. Some people are never happy.
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00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,200
[narrator] Are you fed up nowyou've finished
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00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,400
Alexander's conquest of Greece board game?
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00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,480
Why stop there?
209
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,200
Keep adding to your Empirewith the all new Persia expansion.
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00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,040
The new Persia expansion game is awesome.
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I'm gonna fight an army
of one million men.
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A million, it sounds a bit hard.
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00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,840
Yes, eat my army.
I've come from Persia, game over.
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00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:42,800
Oh, no.
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00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,320
Wait a minute, guys,
the game's not over yet.
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00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,640
[narrator] That's right. Just whenyou think you can pack up and go home.
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00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,200
You'll be made to playAlexander's new conquest.
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00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,640
The Egypt expansion board.
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Are you sure? It's just getting late.
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00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,080
Yeah, maybe we should quit
while it's still fun.
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00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,760
Well I'm having fun. And it's my game.
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00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,680
-Y-yes, fun game.
-Yah.
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00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,320
Oh, look, I've just conquered Egypt.
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00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,320
-Oh no, game over.
-No.
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00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,040
No. That's right er.
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00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,600
[narrator] Alexander's conquest ofGreece, Persia and Egypt expansion comes
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00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,800
with the conquestof India expansion board too.
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00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280
Oh, come on.
229
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,840
I only really came round
to conquer Persia, so.
230
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,520
I want to conquer India now.
231
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,880
Yeah, that could take a while.
232
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,480
I did say I'd pick my sister up
from the swimming pool.
233
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,320
We've just been attacked by elephants.
234
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,800
What is an elephant?
235
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,880
Once we conquer India,
can we go home because--
236
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,320
What do you think?
237
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,720
[narrator] You've guessed it. Alexander'sconquest of Greece, Persian Egypt
238
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,440
and India expansion comes
239
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,760
with the 'To the ends of the earthexpansion' board.
240
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:49,640
We are going to keep playing this game
until this board covers the whole world.
241
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:52,560
Guys?
242
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,760
Alexander's conquestof Greece, Persia, Egypt and India
243
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,280
with the "To the ends of the earthexpansion' board game.
244
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,480
Play it until no one will playwith you anymore.
245
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,400
Right. Who is that voice?
246
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:07,360
Alexander's Empire was huge
and stretched over
247
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,640
five million square kilometres,
which is massive.
248
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,360
Almost as big as Alexander's ego.
249
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,520
Yes, that Alexander really was
quite a character.
250
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:24,080
[applause, soft music]
251
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,000
♪Alexander is my nameMacedonia's most famous ♪
252
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,560
♪ Commander history calls"The Great" but I prefer "The Greatest" ♪
253
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,840
♪ A King aged only 20When my dad assassinated ♪
254
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,160
♪ Advisors called for calm but franklyPeace is over-rated ♪
255
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,360
♪ Crushed rebels in Greek city states ♪
256
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,080
♪ So thousands of them martyrs ♪
257
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,560
♪ Made short labour of my neighbours ♪
258
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,800
♪ And that was just for starters ♪
259
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,000
♪ Alexander ♪
260
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,360
♪ Full-time fighter ♪
261
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,040
♪ Made my home rule secure ♪
262
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,400
♪ But that wasn't enough ♪
263
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,600
♪ I wanted more, more, more! ♪
264
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,160
♪ And so began my master-planTo conquer by invasion ♪
265
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,560
♪ Started with dad's enemyThe famous Persian nation ♪♪ Ruler Darius had far more troopsAn inconvenience ♪
266
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,400
♪ But I won, then thrashed EgyptI'm a military genius ♪
267
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,560
♪ Founded Egypt's Alexandria ♪
268
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,680
♪ Named for the greatest man alive ♪
269
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,600
♪ I was now Pharoah and King of Persia ♪
270
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,840
♪ Not bad for 25 ♪
271
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,880
♪ Alexander ♪
272
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,520
♪ Victorious fighter ♪
273
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,080
♪ "The Greatest" sounds flat ♪
274
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,800
♪ How about "The living God"? ♪
275
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:49,480
♪ Yeah, I'll buy that ♪
276
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,800
♪ My loyal followers said"That's the stuff" ♪
277
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,160
♪ But I, a born warriorSaid "it's not enough" ♪
278
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,800
♪ "Let's take IndiaLast man there's a fool" ♪
279
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,760
♪ Started wearing Persian clothes boyI looked so cool ♪
280
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,160
♪ But made my troops suspicious ♪
281
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,240
♪ Men called me too ambitious ♪
282
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,720
♪ Said they wouldn't follow me ♪
283
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,880
♪ Guitar solo, Ptolemy ♪
284
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:17,720
[guitar playing]
285
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,960
♪ Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far ♪
286
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,960
♪ He'll found the dynastyThat ends with Cleopatra ♪
287
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,960
♪ Then there's HephaestianMy best friend, of course ♪
288
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,840
♪ Unless you count BucephalusBut he's a horse ♪
289
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:33,960
Why the long face, my friend?
290
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,440
[horse whinnying]
291
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,440
♪ Anyway, together it was going grand ♪
292
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,800
♪ Til Heph and Bucy diedAnd my men took a stand ♪
293
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,560
♪ I wanted to continueBut my hands were tied ♪
294
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:50,800
♪ So I sat in my tent and I cried ♪
295
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:58,840
♪ Oooh! ♪
296
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,800
♪ Alexander ♪
297
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,640
♪ No more a fighter ♪
298
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,120
♪ Adventures had to stop ♪
299
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,280
♪ Cos 323 BC ♪
300
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,000
♪ Saw me drop ♪
301
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,840
♪ Dead ♪
302
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,040
[narrator] Potty Pioneers.
303
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,680
[narrator] It's 1928 and historicalgrime fighters, Louis and Dave
304
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,680
have come to the laboratoryof scientist Alexander Fleming
305
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,760
in St. Mary's Hospital, London.
306
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,280
Yeah, we've had problems
with Mr Fleming before.
307
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,120
He's a brilliant scientist, supposedly.
308
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,800
But he's not a brilliant tidy upper,
I can tell you that for nothing.
309
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:47,000
Oh, crikey, this is worse
than your bedroom, this is Dave.
310
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,080
There's dirty pots and dishes everywhere.
311
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,440
Full of highly infectious bacteria.
312
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,320
Oh, I don't believe this Dave!
313
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,440
He's been experimenting with bacteria
314
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,480
and he's gone on holiday
without tidying up after himself first.
315
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,280
There's mould in that Petri dish.
316
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,200
-Oh, here he comes, Dr Doolittle.
-What's going on?
317
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,920
Tell you what's going on,
you're gonna clean up this laboratory
318
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,079
-starting with that mould there.
-Extraordinary.
319
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,680
Not really, mate, that's what happens
320
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,839
when you go on holiday
and leave your dirty dishes.
321
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,079
Look, look. The Staphylococci bacteria
on this is completely normal, right?
322
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:23,119
Whereas in this dish,
it's been destroyed by the mould.
323
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,640
-Do you know what this means?
-Blooming strong mould.
324
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,280
Exactly. I must grow some more.
325
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:31,400
Er, I don't think so, mate.
Dave, the mould killer.
326
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,240
No, stop, look, you don't understand,
right?
327
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,800
This mould stops
other bacteria from growing.
328
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,320
I mean, this could be a really important
medical discovery.
329
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,640
One day we could use this
to treat infections.
330
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:46,800
Oh, right, doctor, I'm feeling really ill,
that's alright here's some mould.
331
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,120
I reckon I'll win a prize
for this one day.
332
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,840
Yeah, you will mate.
The Filthiest Laboratory Award, 1928.
333
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,880
Here's your reward. Right, come,
come on, Dave, let's get out of here.
334
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:01,240
I'd like to thank me mum for,
for never making me clean my room.
335
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,680
Disgusting.
336
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,680
That's enough of your jibber jabber, Dave.
337
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,240
Dr Fleming had actually
discovered penicillin,
338
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,760
an antibiotic which
is still widely used today.
339
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:19,080
And in 1945 he shared a Nobel Prize.
340
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:23,280
I've grown plenty of mould
and I've never been given a prize for it.
341
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:29,040
Back in the early 1900's, another
potty pioneer was making his name.
342
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,280
[thrilling music playing]
343
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,680
Hello, I'm here to pitch one of the
greatest adventure stories in history.
344
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,200
My team's journey to Antarctica.
345
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,280
Listen, Scotty of the Antarctic,
the last thing we wanna hear
346
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,280
is a boring story about a bunch of guys
who got to the South Pole
347
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,840
and then all froze to death
on the way home.
348
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,040
-Talk about a story without any warmth.
-Depressing.
349
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,920
No, no, I think there's been some
confusion. I'm not Scott.
350
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,280
Scott died on his way back
from the South Pole in 1912.
351
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,240
Ah, you must be Amundsen,
the Norwegian guy
352
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,280
who got there 33 days before Scott.
353
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,480
Now that's more interesting. Apparently
he used dogs to pull the sledges.
354
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:08,600
Are these talking dogs?
355
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,480
Lady and the Tramp goes skiing.
That's a yes from me.
356
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,800
No, no, I'm not Amundsen either.
I'm Ernest Shackleton.
357
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,640
So you weren't first or second
to the South Pole?
358
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,560
No, actually my team never made it at all.
359
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,240
Great! Because films about massive losers
360
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,440
who don't achieve anything
make such big hits.
361
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,160
-How close did you get?
-About 200 miles.
362
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,040
-Is this a comedy?
-No it's a thrilling adventure.
363
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,880
Oh, beam me up, Scotty of Arctic,
I want out of this meeting.
364
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,040
Out voyage of discovery was
something of a failure
365
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,400
but it's what happened next,
that's the amazing story.
366
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,160
Our ship, the Endurance,
got stuck in the ice for nine months.
367
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,960
Eventually the force
of the ice cracked the hull of the ship
368
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,120
and we had to abandon it, leaving most
of the men behind on the frozen beach,
369
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,880
six of us went for help
in a small rowing boat.
370
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,520
Okay, you've got my attention.
371
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,640
We travelled for 800 miles, in two weeks,
in the most horrendous conditions.
372
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:57,720
And then what happened?
373
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,280
We landed on the island of South Georgia
where we knew there was a whaling station
374
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,800
but we were on the wrong side
of the island.
375
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,600
-[moans]
-In our way was a huge mountain range.
376
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,280
Incredibly three of us
managed to make it across
377
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,160
and charter a boat to rescue
the rest of the men.
378
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,120
Amazingly every single one of them
survived.
379
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,880
-Yes.
-Hooray.
380
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,560
They're alive, they're alive.
381
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,800
-Here you get yourself a movie deal.
-Oh, thank you.
382
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,840
I assume everybody
lived happily ever after?
383
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,040
Actually, no.
384
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,680
Most of them were called up
and killed a couple of years later
385
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,760
in the First World War.
386
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,120
-Well there goes the sequel.
-It's a no from me.
387
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,320
And you got three no's.
388
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,520
-Thanks for coming.
-Right, fine, I'm off. Better hurry up
or the Norwegian team will beat you!
389
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:38,760
That was the other guy!
390
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,480
He's going outside for a walk,
he may be some time.
391
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,960
-The other guy.
-I find him very cold.
392
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,480
Hm. Chilling.
393
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,760
[narrator] Savage Stone Age.
394
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,960
I am man, good at music.
395
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,960
Neanderthal even make flute
40,000 year ago.
396
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,040
[narrator] Available at lastfrom Neanderthal Records
397
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,880
"Now that's what me call music".
398
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,120
The first ever musical notes playedon the first ever musical instrument.
399
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:09,000
A hollowed out animal bone. Collectedtogether on one unforgettable album.
400
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,280
Now that what me call music.
401
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,520
Music good, me like it.
402
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,840
Featuring the ground breakingthree notes in any old order.
403
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,480
Oh, beautiful.
404
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,680
[narrator] The remarkablefour notes in any old order.
405
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,600
Oh! Very good.
406
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,720
[narrator] And the smash hit, "Smash Hit".
407
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,120
Oh! Broken.
408
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,920
[narrator] "Now that's what me callmusic", available while Neanderthals last.
409
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,560
What do you mean,
"while Neanderthals last"?
410
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:44,960
What this?
411
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,440
[groans]
412
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,720
It's true. A flute made
from animal bone is thought to be
413
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,640
the oldest musical instrument
in the world.
414
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,640
That's if you don't count
the bum trumpet. [farts]
415
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,040
Ah, sweet music.
416
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,520
Stone Age man had
many uses for animal bones
417
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,960
and they came from some
very unusual animals.
418
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,520
[acoustic music playing]
419
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,040
Hello, I'm an over excitable
wildlife presenter.
420
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:15,120
And I'm an even more over
excitable wildlife presenter.
421
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,120
And I'm really excited today.
422
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,800
But not as excited as me.
423
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,160
Because we're here in Stone Age times
424
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,800
for a really special edition
of Historical Springwatch. [presenter 1] We're in the Pleistoceneera where we've got hidden cameras
425
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:32,960
deep inside the habitats of thisera's most extraordinary animals.
426
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,800
-They really are extraordinary.
-I just said that.
427
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,240
-Sorry.
-Let's take a look at the Toxodon.
428
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,240
[presenter 1] The Toxodonis a giant three toed mammal.
429
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,720
It's a sort of a cross betweenthe hippopotamus and a gerbil.
430
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,360
Imagine that, a sort of giant hairy hippo.
431
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,240
Well, you don't have to imagine it
432
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,200
because we're going to see one
any second now.
433
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,640
Oh! It seems the Toxodon's
been eaten by an early man.
434
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,440
[presenter 2] That's exciting to see too.
435
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,240
Homosapien's surviving by making
use of any food available to him.
436
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,680
Not to worry, we've got plenty of
other breathtaking giant mammals for you.
437
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,360
[presenter 1] So let's take a lookat the Megatherium we've been following.
438
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,960
This sloth can grow up to 6 metres long.
439
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,720
[presenter 1] And we've been followingthis guy for more than...
440
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,680
-Oh! He's done it again.
-Can we check out the other cameras.
441
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,720
-[presenter 2] He's scoffed the lot.
-If he carries on like this
442
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,320
early man's going to end up killing off
all these fantastic mega animals.
443
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,080
Well, not on my Springwatch,
let me tell you.
444
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,840
Oy, you there, did you never stop
to think that people in the future
445
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,840
might actually want to see giant panthers
446
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,320
giant sloths,
even giant sabre toothed tigers?
447
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,720
[animal roaring]
448
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,400
Actually you have my permission
to kill this one.
449
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,640
Where are you going?
450
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,400
[presenter 1]
Oh! What extraordinary teeth you have.
451
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:58,560
[laughs] Well, er, join me tomorrow
when we'll, er, I'll be looking at a bull
452
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,480
that's the size of a small elephant
453
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,480
and then early man will be turning it
into hamburgers. See you then.
454
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,160
[narrator] Putrid Pirates.
455
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,400
Us pirates could be dead
hard to understand.
456
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:16,880
Especially for those people
we held captive. Argh.
457
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,280
Do they know who I am?
I mean, who's in charge here?
458
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:23,840
-Ah, heave to me, hearties.
-Are you the man in charge?
459
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,520
-That be me, you landlubber.
-I'm sorry, what was that?
460
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,000
Er, I am reasonably familiar with er,
pirate parlance.
461
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,400
-Perhaps I could translate?
-Er, proceed.
462
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:36,560
A landlubber basically means someone
who is clumsy while aboard a ship.
463
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,080
If that's what you mean,
why don't you just speak properly?
464
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:43,360
-Silence, scurvy knave.
-Oh, he's at it again. Translation please!
465
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,240
Scurvy is a nasty disease
you can get at sea.
466
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,800
And knave, well he's basically
calling you a villain, Sir. If he wants to call me a scabby villain,
why didn't he just say so?
467
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:57,800
Well shiver me timbers,
I'll have this bilge rat keelhauled.
468
00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:58,720
[sighs]
469
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,560
Well if a ship gets a sudden blast
from a cannon then the wooden masts
470
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:07,040
or timbers are shaken or shivered.
It's kind of an expression of surprise.
471
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:12,160
And bilge is the very bottom of a ship,
dirty stinking place filled with rats.
472
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:16,080
-Hence bilge rat.
-And keelhauled?
473
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,000
A traditional pirate punishment
where your feet are tied
474
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,520
and you are dragged under the water
475
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,280
rubbing against the barnacled bottom
of the ship.
476
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,720
You'd be torn to pieces.
477
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,600
That threat certainly would have
had me quaking in my boots.
478
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,760
If I'd had any idea what it meant.
Speak English.
479
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:36,440
-Ah, Paul, sew his mouth up.
-Huh, translation please?
480
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,360
Sew his mouth up.
481
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,720
Oh, shiver me timbers. I think
I've just filled my keel with bilge.
482
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,320
Now you're getting the hang of it mate.
Ah, Ah! [laughs]
483
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,240
[TV theme music playing]
484
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,080
Hello and welcome to HH TV Sport,
485
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,040
bringing you live sport
direct from the past.
486
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,320
Today, we've got a truly extraordinary
sporting spectacle lined up for you.
487
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:02,960
The Pirate Races.
488
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,160
To find out more, I hand you over to our
commentary team in the Georgian era.
489
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,920
So here we are at the Pirate Race course,
490
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,000
a recently captured merchant ship.
491
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:14,720
[John] This promisesto be the most amazing race
492
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,440
the riders and their jockeys now taking
their positions at the starting line.
493
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,680
[John] And here they are,three experienced pirate jockeys
494
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,360
and three captured monks.
495
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,640
Well as you know pirates are a twisted
lot.
496
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,320
They take particular pleasure
in tormenting these religious men.
497
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,320
[John] And they're under starters orders.
498
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:33,480
[seagull crying]
499
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:34,400
And they're off.
500
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,880
[presenter]
Well, it's a cracking start to a race.
501
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,960
[John] They're approaching the firstobstacle now which is a board of nails.
502
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,560
[presenter] This race course is arecently captured merchant ship.
503
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,080
The merchants have tried to prevent
the pirates capturing the ship
504
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,800
by putting down a board full of nails
right across the deck. [John] Oh dear, Brother Carloshas trodden on one.
505
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,200
Oh and there goes his vow of silence,
that is unfortunate.
506
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,560
[John] Oh and just look at this,Brother Miguel's jockey is making him
507
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,400
drink rum at gunpoint. Is that normal?
508
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:02,880
[presenter] I'm afraid so.
509
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,840
Some pirates amuse themselvesby forcing monks to get drunk.
510
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,200
But this is the first time I've actually
seen it used in an actual race.
511
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,720
[presenter] Brother Miguel really feelingthe effects of the rum there.
512
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,280
[John] And here's the next obstacle
513
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,600
the merchants have put butterand peas on the deck?
514
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,160
That's to make the deck
slippy for the pirates.
515
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,840
[John] And the riders certainlystruggling with this one.
516
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:25,640
[John] Slipping into thelead there is Father Xavier.
517
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,280
Lazy monk, come on.
518
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:31,040
Whose jockey is making judicious
use of the cat o' nine tails.
519
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,840
Well that's the pirate's whip of choice.
520
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,280
[presenter] And they're comingup to the finishing line
521
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:38,400
and it's Father Xavier
who wins by a bald head.
522
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,600
[John] And his jockey receives his welldeserved winner's trophy,
523
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,080
his to treasure.
524
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:44,680
No, not for long, John.
525
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,120
Well that's pirates for you. [laughs]
526
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,240
Back to the studio.
527
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,880
[both laugh]
48023
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