Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless ♪

♪ Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages ♪

♪ Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that ♪

♪ And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories ♪

[narrator] Smashing Saxons.

Hi, I'm a surprisingly handsome Anglo Saxon scientist

and I'm gonna tell you about the wonders of the Anglo Saxon Universe.

It's amazing!

Some people think that just because it was sometimes called the Dark Ages

us Anglo Saxons were all stupid and didn't know anything.

They hadn't got a clue.

I bet they're not as handsome as me either?

The Venerable Bede was an amazing Anglo Saxon monk

and he wrote a book called, On the Reckoning of Time.

It's a book like Harry Potter.

Bede explained how the length of daylight changes

because the earth is round and he showed

how the tides were affected by the motion of the moon.

See? He wasn't stupid, was he?

He knew loads. Amazing.

OK, thanks, Brian, that's great, thank you.

Oh, no, hang on, I've got another brilliant Saxon scientific fact.

Are you sure you don't wanna quit?

No, it's amazing.

Great, well, you can't say we didn't warn you.

We Anglo Saxon's were the first people anywhere in the world

to discover the scientific fact that storms are caused by people

from a cloud country in the sky called, Magonia.

[producer] Oh, here we go.

They'd use the bad weather as cover to come in their giant airships

and steal our crops.

That's why we have to pay a weather wizard to keep them away.

OK fellows, usual routine, let's go come on.

No, no, no it's true. We've even caught a Magonian spy.

Well you know, a woman picking fruit off a tree, after a storm.

It's a shame they weren't all as smart as that Bede fellow, hey?

It's an Anglo Saxon scientific fact.

[narrator] The term Anglo Saxon comes from two tribes who settled in England.

The Angles and the Saxons, but there were also other tribes like the Jutes.

They believed in magic so when the Pope sent a monk called Augustine

to convert them to Christianity, King Aethelbert thought he was a wizard.

Have heart men, our enemy may have mystical powers beyond our imagining

but he made his first mistake by agreeing to meet us out here.

The open air will limit his magical powers.

Sire, the dread wizard approaches.

I am Aethelbert, King of Kent, speak.

Brother Augustine, Saint Augustine one day

fingers crossed, try not to be too big headed.

Oh, slap wrists, naughty. Anyhow I have a message.

Where's the rest of them?

He's the least scary person I've ever seen in my life.

Do not be fooled by this man's puny body and silly face.

Erm, hello, I can hear you both actually.

Quite hurtful. Now when you're ready, I have a message from the Pope.

Nice and slow.

Has been most interested in the Angles

ever since he saw one in the market place in Rome.

-[laughs] -It's funny actually.

He said, who's this strange looking blonde person and his assistant said

"that's an Angle," and the Pope said, "an Angle, more like an angel."

[laughs]

Sorry which was the funny bit?

Well, he's a Pope, isn't he?

He's not a professional comedian, what do you expect?

Anyway, he's so keen on you, Angles, that he sent me on my mission to Britain.

-An invasion? -Oh, no, he doesn't want us to take over.

He just wants us to convert you to Christianity.

-Oh, is that it? Alright, I'm in. -Oh, what! That's a miracle.

Well not really, my wife's a Christian

and I've been thinking about it for a while, so.

Would she like to build a church in Canterbury? Already built one of those for the wife.

Right then, just er, carry on. God be with you.

-Oh, what does he want to be god of? -I'm sorry.

It's just we've got loads of gods we've been worshiping for years

so we're not gonna stop worshiping them.

-Our god is the god of everything. -It's a bit greedy isn't it?

Don't think you're quite getting the hang of this. Maybe I should stick around.

Er, I'll call myself, the Archbishop of Canterbury, how's about that?

You could be god of something if you want?

-No, no, there only is one god. Right? -Ah!

-And that's you? -No, no, that's him.

-Me? -No not you. God, the god of everything.

-Like dreams? -Yeah, dreams.

-And smells? -If you like yeah, yeah.

[narrator] Slimy Stuarts.

[narrator] Introducing the latest weapon in the war against the plague.

The Whiffy jar.

Hello, I'm a Stuart doctor.

Now we all know that the plague is spread by bad smells.

Well there's only one way to stop it. That's right, with more bad smells.

-Makes sense doesn't it? -Not really.

It makes sense.

You simply take a jar and collect as many guffs as possible in it.

[farts]

There. Then as soon as anyone is feeling unwell

you simply give them a whiff of it.

There you go old boy, feeling any better now?

-No, if anything I feel worse. -Oh! That's worse than his.

Seriously, are we doing this now?

-I'm ill. -Sorry.

[narrator] Here's how we think it works. The bad air of the trump.

Fights off the bad air that's carrying the plague.

Leaving you hundred per cent plague free.

In tests the Whiffy jar proved just as effective

as wiping a chicken's bottom against your plague sores.

-[narrator] The Whiffy jar. -Now with a new easy refill system.

[narrator] Buy now while you last.

-Oh dear, I think we better. -No.

[sniffs] Argh. Better safe than sorry.

[narrator] The Whiffy jar. Available from all good bottoms.

We Stuarts may have had some slightly odd ideas about medicine

but we did have some great scientific thinkers.

So, Charles II established the Royal Society

as a place for clever folk to meet.

People like diarist Samuel Pepys, and astronomer Edmund Halley.

-Here is your tea, Pepys. -I thank you.

Britain's favourite diarist enjoyed a cup of tea with Mr Halley.

Must you write everything down Pepys?

If a man is to keep a diary of everything that happens in London town

he must keep a diary of everything that happens in London town.

Replied the quick witted diarist to the bumbling astronomer.

It's finished, it's finished, it's finally finished.

Sir Isaac Newton did enter the Royal Society in high spirits.

-Must you write everything down, Pepys? -Oh, if a man is to keep a diary...

Don't get him started. So what have you finished, Newton?

Only the single most important literary work in the history of science.

The Principia.

It contains the law of universal gravitation, the laws of motion,

the very foundations of classical mechanics.

Blah, blah, blah, boring.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, yawn.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Why this is brilliant.

This will change the way people understand the mechanical workings of the universe.

Er, Pepys, the Royal Society must publish this forthwith.

-Er... -Is there a problem?

It's just possible that I may have spent all of the Royal Society's money.

-On what? -On publishing this.

The History of Fishes.

At which point everyone did agree

The History of Fishes was the most marvelous book ever.

Who on earth needs to read a massive book on the history of fishes?

Why fish historians of course.

Countered the razor-sharp diarist.

But how many fish historians do you know?

-One. -Apart from the bloke who wrote the book.

-None. -You're an idiot.

Write that down.

-Don't want to. -Write that down.

-Don't... -"I am an idiot", wrote the idiot Pepys.

-My quill er... -Alright, alright.

There's a way we can work this out, Newton.

-There is? -I am not without means myself,

loaded yeah, pretty loaded.

So perhaps I could advance you the £50 you need to publish your Principia.

But Halley, thanks to fish brain here,

the Royal Society is now penniless, how will it ever pay you back?

With unsold copies of The History of Fishes.

Useful in winter I suppose.

Good to read in front of an open log fire.

Agreed the popular diarist.

Good to use instead of the logs.

It's true. Sir Isaac Newton, the man who discovered gravity,

nearly didn't have his most important book published at all

because of a big book about fish.

I squid you not.

Alright, you come up with a better fishy pun then, mull it over and let minnow.

Bam, bam.

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

[narrator] Are you morally opposed to battle?

[narrator] Do you think fighting people is wrong even in war?

[narrator] Do you still want to do your bit for the war effort?

Then come to the Sorby Research Institute and let me experiment on you.

I'm Dr Kenneth Mellanby

and here in this ordinary suburban house in Sheffield

I'd like to give you a horrible parasitic infection

for which there is no known cure.

-Great. -Come on.

[narrator] Why not help us cure scabies.

Scabies affects millions of soldiers and, by being a human guinea pig,

you can help us cure it. Just wear some scabies invested pants and uniform.

And let the microscopic mites burrow into your skin.

-It's so itchy. -Isn't it just.

Sadly we haven't found a cure yet.

But don't worry, we promise we won't stop experimenting on you until we do.

Actually that does feel a bit better.

Wow. Who'd have thought that all we had to do

was paint you from head to toe in Benzyl Benzoate.

But don't worry, the suffering doesn't end there.

You'll really work up a thirst with our water deprivation programme.

Open wide.

Hm, or see how long you can go without taking Vitamin C! Not for you.

And if you're feeling really brave, you can take the Malaria challenge.

All our boys out in Africa have it.

Now you can too.

Oh, and possibly help us find a cure. Probably not.

The Sorby Research Institute, where the only person you'll hurt is yourself?

Is it too late to sign up for battle?

-You'll never pass the medical. -Yeah.

To win World War Two, everybody did their bit.

And when I say everybody, I mean everybody.

Even Princess Elizabeth, you know, the one who went on

to be Queen Elizabeth II.

That's the spirit.

♪ Each army mechanic has to go to school ♪

♪There's a war on ladies Learn to use a tool ♪

♪ All our figures have to be first class ♪

♪ And one is Royal blue ♪

♪ The young princess Who's changing this tyre ♪

♪ Is future Queen Liz II ♪

One's gloves are ruined.

♪ You can't get quicker than Queen-fit fitter ♪

One's the one to trust.

♪ At Queen-fit fitters We get the job done ♪

♪ We'll fix your truck right away ♪

Whatever you need, you can count on Brian.

♪ Princess Elizabeth rules okay ♪

One doesn't rule yet.

♪ You can't get quicker than Queen-fit fitter ♪

♪ You can't get posher than A Queen-fit fitter ♪

♪ You can't get better than A Queen-fit fitter ♪

One's the one to trust.

When Queen Elizabeth II was a young Princess

she worked as a mechanic and ambulance driver. Yeah!

Less 999 and more 111. Hm.

[narrator] Groovy Greeks.

We Spartans got into a lot of trouble if we were ever cowardly.

And a sure sign of being a coward was to throw away your shield. Go Sparta!

-Altheus. -Oh!

You're still alive you old dog.

No Persian soldier is gonna get the better of me. [laughs]

I didn't think for a mom... Where's your shield?

What?

Erm, well I certainly did not throw it away

so I could run away from a Persian soldier and I resent you even suggesting it.

I didn't.

Right well anyway I, I didn't throw it down

and, and run away like a coward. No, no. Not me.

-I should hope not. -Good.

You're shield doesn't just protect you.

It protects the Spartan beside you in the phalanx.

To lose your shield is put their lives at risk.

Every Spartan should return from battle either holding his shield

or be carried home dead upon it.

-Yeah. -So tell me Altheus.

-How exactly did you lose your shield? -[clears his throat] Well it er,

it would take quite a long time to explain.

-I've got time. -Of course you have.

Er, well it's quite complicated actually.

I'll tell you, why don't you lend me your shield

and I can show you what happened?

-Oh yeah, yeah. -Yeah. Okay.

-Right well erm, er. [laughs] -Hey. Hey.

[laughs]

Oh, you think you know someone.

Hi, everything alright? Where's your shield?

Well it's just that--

I'll tell you what, lend me your shield and I'll show you?

Yeah, alright.

-You're it'! [laughs] -Oh, you. You're kidding me.

[laughs]

Spartan mothers used to say to their sons:

"Come back with your shield or upon it."

Basically they meant, come back victorious or come back dead.

Thanks mum, I'll miss you too.

Yes, the Spartan women were just as tough as the men.

[narrator] Who wants to play with that doll

when you can play with new Spartan Girl?

[woman narrator] Yes, now available in her adorable wedding outfit.

A shaved head and men's clothes.

Spartan Girl takes part in all sorts of exciting activities alongside the boys.

Each with a fabulous outfit. There's gymnastics.

-[narrator] With no clothes. -[woman narrator] Wrestling.

-[narrator] Still no clothes. -[woman narrator] Races.

[narrator] Yes, you guessed it.

Can I dress her up?

[woman narrator] No! Spartan Girl doesn't wear clothes while she's training.

But she does have all her Spartan girlie accessories.

Hooray.

[woman narrator] Sword, javelin, hunting knife and a Chihuahua in a handbag.

-Huh, hooray. -[woman narrator] Not the last one.

And also available, Spartan Baby.

Oh, you're so cute.

[woman narrator] But make sure they're strong and fit or else

-they're left on a mountainside to die. -[narrator] Mountainside not included.

Spartan Girl and all new Spartan Baby available now.

-Can I have my pretty dolly back? -[narrator] No.

[cries]

[narrator] Do you want to be left out on a mountainside?

That's better.

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

A locked door, a prison cell and a desperate prisoner

hell-bent on breaking out.

That can only mean one thing.

You're watching History's Greatest Escapes.

I'm Gary Chubb

and I've come all the way to the year 1716 in the Georgian era

to witness an escape so audacious,

-so dramatic, so breathtaking-- -[snoring]

Sorry, can we wake him up, please?

[snoring]

It's just completely going against what I'm doing.

I mean...

So, Lord Nithsdale,

tell us how you ended up imprisoned here in the Tower of London?

Well I was involved in the Jacobite Risings

trying to return the Stuart blood line to the English throne.

But I was captured, and King George,

who is really touchy about people trying to kill him, threw me in the Tower.

I'm due to be executed tomorrow.

So what we thinking escape wise?

A frontal assault on the guards,

levering out the window bars or the classic tunnel under the wall thing?

None of the above. This is the Tower of London.

Escape's impossible.

I thought I'd just have a nice chicken dinner, a wee sleep and then...

Right. Yeah it's just erm, someone from our show spoke to your wife

and she assured us there'd be an exciting escape attempt.

Also I've cut short a holiday in France for this.

You've got five minutes.

-Darling. Oh! -Snookums. Oh!

Sorry, I'm Winifred, his wife.

Oh right, so the escape attempt's still on, yeah?

-Oh, yes! -Right, so what we thinking?

Blow down this wall and let loose your secret Ninjas on the panicked guard

while you two leap 200 feet into the icy river below, yeah?

No, I'm dressing him as a woman.

Right. There is a show called World's Stupidest Escapes.

-I can give you their number if you like. -Ladies, get to work.

You see I told the guards that my friends

and I wanted to come and say goodbye to my husband

banking on them not counting how many of us came into the cell.

[Lord Nithsdale] Oh! Corset. Oh!

Then we dress him up as a woman and

we sneak him out in the middle of the group just like he's one of the girls.

-You look lovely, snookums. -I look ridiculous.

Watch this.

See you later.

Alright so, your husband's clear of the Tower, but how are you gonna get out?

Easy.

Er, anyway, I think I need to be alone now so I can do a nice wee pray.

I understand completely, my lover. Erm, see you in the next life, bye.

We've said our goodbyes, but I beg you

please don't disturb my husband's final prayers.

-Yes, of course, Countess Nithsdale. -Thanks.

Wow.

Well it didn't sound like much of a plan, but what an escape that was.

Next time on Histories Greatest Escapes

I'll be in the Middle Ages with Matilda, daughter of Henry I,

who'll be trying to escape from Oxford Castle in a snowstorm

by wearing nothing but white.

Yeah, pretty cool.

I'll see you then.

If I can work out how to get out of this Tower. [laughs] No probs.

Yeah, excuse me, can you let me out, please?

-Shut up, Nithsdale. -No, I'm not Nithsdale.

Yeah, right. Do you think we're all stupid or something?

I'm from the television.

Can you let me out please? I'm from the television.

[woman narrator] Another extraordinary Georgian escape attempt

was when Louis XVI of France and his wife Marie Antoinette

tried to escape Paris in disguise during the French Revolution of 1789.

But what went wrong?

A, their guards betrayed them.

B, the King was recognised by his face on a coin

or C, their coach got a flat tyre.

The answer is, B!

The King was recognised by his face on a coin!

They were captured and eventually executed.

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

[narrator] Tudor Wildlife Magazine, it's the new must have magazine

for all animal and bird enthusiasts.

If you love wildlife, you'll love Tudor Wildlife Magazine.

[narrator] Become an expert in how and where to spot all the fantastic animals

living in the Tudor countryside

and learn how much you'll be paid to kill them.

Excuse me? Paid to kill them.

That's right, thanks to my most excellent new law.

The Preservation of Grain Act.

All these animals are now categorised as vermin

so you'll be paid a bounty for each and every one that you kill.

-[laughs] Nah. -[narrator] In issue one,

we've got a list of how much you'll get for each dead creature

from the red kite at one pence to the badger at an incredible 12 pence.

Hold on, hold on, your majesty why do you wanna kill all these animals?

Because of the poor harvest and the shortage of food.

Every man, woman and child has to get as many of these vermin as possible

to stop them eating your crops. [laughs]

Well, red kites don't eat crops, don't they eat the real vermin

er, the mice and the rats that do eat the crops?

-Are you calling me stupid? -No.

Because I can have you put on the official vermin list you know.

[narrator] Buy issue one on the red kite and get issue

two on the hedgehog absolutely free.

Plus find out how hedgehogs suck milk from cow's udders at night, it's true.

It's a well-known Tudor fact. Yeah, little horrors. Oh, there's one now.

Come here, you spiky little milk thief. Yeah, yeah. [narrator] Tudor Wildlife Magazine, buy it now while species last.

Price four pence or one squashed hedgehog.

Those poor animals, such a terrible waste of life.

But they weren't the only stupid deaths in Tudor times.

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you, ha hee ♪

Oh, oh you've got something on your chin there.

Oh it's a beard, sorry, looks totally stupid. Suits you. Next!

Woo, hold the sausage, now that's a beard, that is a beard.

Tell me it's not fake?

Of course not, it's my pride and joy. Almost one and a half metres long.

-Wowsers, and you are? -Hans Steininger.

Beardy, beardy. Do you mind, I'm very proud of my beard.

Oh sorry, sorry, how very rude of me. Now, I'm trying to place your accent.

Where are you from, is it weirdy beardy land?

-[laughs] -I'm from Austria.

Alright, alright keep your facial hair on. Come on then, tell us your stupid death?

Well, there was a huge fire in my home town and I had to run for my life. Now normally when I run I roll my beard up into a ball, like this.

-And then hop, I hop along. -Ah, hah.

But as the flames licked around me, I panicked and ran.

And you forgot to roll your beard up?

Exactly, I tripped over my beard and broke my neck.

[laughs]

That wasn't a close shave.

-Yah. -Because you died and,

-and you have a beard and... -Yah.

Anyway you're through to the afterlife.

[laughs] Wonderful. Don't forget to roll your beard up.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

You better stop growing that. Might be the death of you.

[laughs] You can talk. [laughs]

Zing, zing, zing, zing. I'm on fire. [laughs] Next!

♪ Stupid death, stupid death ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you, hoo, hoo ♪

[narrator] Fabulous French.

In the Hundred Years War

we French were getting a real pasting from the English.

But you won't believe who came to our rescue.

-[talking French] -Oh wow, congratulations, huh, not.

Because that was a joke, because it was awful.

They call it the Hundred Years War, if feels like the Thousand Years War.

The English they beat us again.

So I am Le Dauphin, I am heir to the throne of France

so I have decided we need a new manager.

We need someone to come in with new ideas

ideas that come straight from God.

-That sounds like exactly what we need. -Oh, yeah.

Soldiers of France, I give you your new leader.

-Joan of Arc. -Pardon.

Hiya. This is gonna be so amazing, cos like I told Raquel

I was gonna be in charge of the army and she was like, no way.

But I said God told me to and everything. She was like, whatever.

So she's gonna be so jealous when I tell her, actually.

Pardon monsieur, who is this little girl?

Er, I'm not little actually.

I'm four foot ten, which is quite tall for my age.

Anyway I'd rather be a bit short than stinky like you.

She's er, a little bit er, annoying er.

I'm not taking that from a dolphin.

It the Dauphin, it means Prince, I am heir to the throne of France.

It also means dolphin.

She told me that God speak to her,

to tell her to help win some of the battles,

-so now we give her a chance. -But what does she know about war?

John Claudsey, I want you up front with your crossbow men.

Gerard, you're on the right wing.

I want the cavalry in wedge formation, destrier's only.

-Actually she's quite good. -Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna be leading from the front. Last one to kill an Englishman

-smells of poo. [laughs] -But still really annoying.

-[talking in French] -[shouts]

It's true, Joan of Arc really was an ordinary teenage girl

who turned the French army from loser to winners.

So if you've got a big sister, do be nice to her

she might end up commanding an army.

Hm. Yes, Joan's story really was a remarkable one.

♪ OK ♪

♪ Pamplemousse ♪

♪ Baguette and brie ♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ I'm Joan of Arc from Domremy ♪

♪ Religious visions came to me ♪

♪ God said save France from the English ♪

♪ And make Dauphin Charles king' ♪

♪ Dauphin' means heir to the throne' ♪

♪ But England claimed the crown As their own ♪

♪ We'd had 100 years of war This girl had to do something ♪

♪ So I did it like a dude, cut my hair ♪

♪ Gave up wearing dresses bought a pair ♪

♪ Of trousers no blouses said I wanna fight Angleterre! ♪

♪ Charles let me join The army, army, army ♪

♪ Though that might sound Barmy, barmy, barmy

♪ I proved impressive ♪

♪ Hit by an arrow and lived ♪

♪ English troops I over Ranny, ranny, ranny ♪

♪ Defeated them at Patay, Patay, Patay ♪

♪ We saved Orleans ♪

♪ And Charles was crowned tres bon ♪

♪ Me leading troops a long shot ♪

♪ But I was a lucky mascot ♪

♪ Inspired soldiers with bravery Fought injured and survived ♪

♪ But in 1430 ♪

♪ Burgundians captured me ♪

♪ King Charles wouldn't pay my ransom ♪

♪ No one told me why? ♪

♪ Being prisoner was not my style ♪

♪ Tried escaping from my captors vile ♪

♪ But then the English who'd fought me Bought me, made me stand trial ♪

♪ So where was King Charlie, Charlie, Charlie? ♪

♪ He'd given up and Left me, left me, left me ♪

♪ In the English snare ♪

♪ Whole thing so unfair ♪

♪ Said Put me in a a-huh n-nunnery' ♪

♪ They said Don't be uh-uh f-funnery ♪

♪ If you dress like a male ♪

♪ We'll put you in men's jail ♪

Joan of Arc you're charged with sorcery.

You're just jealous, cos God speaks to me.

You say you speak to saints in this discourse?

What language do they speak?

French of course!

Pah! Now you're in prison they have failed yer.

I say it's God's plan that you're my jailer! Here's a trick question in that case.

Do you think that you are in God's grace?

If I am not, may God put me there.

And if I am, may God so keep me.

Oh, your smart remarks go round the houses.

You're guilty of heresy and wearing men's trousers.

♪ Despite my testimony mony, mony ♪

♪ Condemned for reasons Phoney, phoney, phoney ♪

♪ But my will did not break ♪

♪ So they tied me to a stake ♪

♪ Burned alive was my destiny tiny, tiny ♪

♪ And here is the irony rony, rony ♪

♪ My death led France To put on war paint ♪

♪ And crush the English So now I'm a saint ♪