Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Slimy Stuarts.

There were a lot of nasty diseases around in Stuart Britain,

and some pretty crazy ideas on how they could be cured.

I've come back to Stuart times

to look into the disastrous state of their healthcare system.

These poor people are all sick with scrofula.

-Excuse me? -Get away from me.

A disease that causes fever and swelling of the neck.

A-are you deaf? I told you to get from me.

I thought you were trying to jump the queue.

-Do I look sick? -You do look a bit swollen.

Some people have waited up to a year for treatment.

-How long have you been waiting, Sir? -Oh, not long. Two days.

Two da-- Can we get someone who's waited a year, please?

How long have you been waiting here, Tim?

I've been waiting for about a year.

That's excellent. I mean that's dreadful, it's terrible.

Oh, dear, someone's died!

Have you got this? Good.

That's dreadful. Did she die from the disease?

Oh no, scrofula isn't fatal.

She died of her injuries waiting in the crush to be seen.

Someone's gonna have to answer to this.

I demand to see the man in charge.

-Who is he? -Well, it's him. Charles II.

You're cured.

You're cured.

-You're cured. -No, I'm not sick.

-Are you sure, you look a bit swollen. -Is this a joke?

I've been blessed with the royal touch, you know.

I have only to touch you with my hand and your scrofula will be cured.

That's it's called the King's Evil.

But you're not even touching them with your hand.

No, because they're sick.

[whispers] And some of them are really rather smelly. So I just touch a gold coin and give that to them.

And all of a sudden they're magically cured?

Yes.

You're cured.

-Are you actually cured? -Er, no.

-But do you feel any better? -Yeah, I've got a gold coin.

And what do you do? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Can I just ask, why have some of these people

waited up to a year to be seen for treatment?

Well, there's only one of me and I only do this once a year.

I mean a man's got parties to go to. [chuckles]

Now are you sure you don't want that scrofula cured?

For the last time, I do not have scrofula. But I am getting a headache.

I've got just the thing. Powdered mummy.

I use it to keep myself wise and strong.

No need to thank me.

This is Dom Duckworth in Stuart England,

covered in the remains of an ancient Egyptian Mummy.

A sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.

It's in my eyes.

Can we get a nurse? Dead man in my eye.

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

During World War Two, the Germans recruited some very unusual spies.

At ease!

I think you will be very happy with the new recruits.

I believe they will turn out to be some of the finest spies in the German army.

Very good work, Frau Schmitt.

May I present Private Curvenon.

[barks]

-He says hello. -[barks]

-"Hello, Sir." He's very formal. -You're sure he isn't just... barking?

Nein. His speech is based on barking,

but I have learnt to recognise the different words

and am able to translate.

Now Frau Schmitt, are you just making this up?

Well, General, as you know, Adolf Hitler himself has also authorised

the setting up of the animal talking school.

Are you suggesting that his idea is not entirely a good one?

In no way, Frau Schmitt.

Perhaps, you'll be more easily impressed by Private Rolf.

He taps his paw in a different way for each letter.

That is more like it.

Do you have anything you wish to say to the General, Rolf?

W, O, O, F.

-Woof? -Do not bark at the General. Bad soldier!

We are also carrying out experiments

to see if dogs can communicate telepathically with humans.

Oh, what's that, Rolf? You want a bone?

You don't have to be a mind reader to know that, he's a dog.

Perhaps, you'll be more impressed by Private Axel.

-And how does he communicate? -Well, ask him a question.

-Any question? -Yah, any question.

So long as it is, who is Adolf Hitler.

Erm, who is Adolf Hitler?

-Mein Führer! -Now that is good.

Our research is coming on leaps and bounds, sits and play deads.

Soon, we will have a spy network of dogs.

Well, the Allied forces certainly won't be expecting that.

There is just one small problem with our new recruits.

-What's that? -[steps on goo]

There are some hygiene issues.

-Yah. -[dog barks]

Oh! Rolf says sorry.

-[chuckles] -I bet he does.

Bizarrely, Hitler was an animal lover and was convinced by scientists

that animals might make good spies.

So he approved the animal talking school.

Animals talking? Huh, as if that's possible.

Yes, many animals were put to work during World War Two.

We need more ammo. Corporal Voychek!

You can't ask someone with a senior rank to fetch your ammo!

You can ask this Corporal.

-[growls] -[screams]

A bear! There's a bear, there's a bear.

-Yes, that's Corporal Voychek. -[stutters] It's a bear.

Of course, but according to his paperwork, he's a Polish Corporal. My unit adopted him as bear cub in Iran, but when we were moved,

the only way he was allowed on the ship was if he was enlisted.

-So now he's Corporal Voychek. -But he's still a bear.

Don't worry, Voychek's harmless, he just carries ammunition around.

He won't hurt you, unless he drops a shell obviously.

-[screams] Oh, you had me then. -[bear laughs]

[narrator] Vicious Vikings!

We Vikings lived in some pretty remote places

and food could be scarce, so we ate all sorts of unusual stuff.

Tuck's up boys.

-I thought we'd run out of butter. -We did, this is seal blubber.

-Oh, it tastes like fish. -Isn't it great? Guess what we called it.

I can't believe you got me eating seal blubber.

That's right, "I can't believe you've got me eating seal blubber!"

Hang on. This bacon tastes funny.

That's because it's been fried in...

I can't believe you fried my food in seal blubber!

That's right. "I can't believe you fried my food in seal blubber!"

That's it, I'm skipping lunch, going back to work.

Covering the bottom of the boats to prevent woodworm, come on, Bob.

You know what you're gonna need?

Not, "I can't believe I'm covering the bottom of my longship

in seal blubber to prevent woodworm!"

That's right. Seal blubber!

You can eat it, fry things in it and cover the bottom of your boat in it.

Warning. Seals were hurt in manufacturing of these products. Lots and lots of seals.

We don't even eat the meat. It tastes even worse than the blubber.

[women narrator] Vikings ate seal blubber in settlements, like their one in Iceland.

So named because it was, well, icy.

When Eric the Red was exiled and wanted to start his own settlement,

somewhere even icier, he had to fool other Vikings into joining him.

[blows] Hi, I'm Eric the Red.

Then why not move to the sun-drenched paradise

that's so green and fertile we've called it, Greenland.

We only moved here because you were exiled from Iceland

and wanted to be the chieftain of somewhere else.

Mum!

What's the point of being chieftain of Greenland

unless you find some people to rule?

Don't listen to her. Magnus just moved here and he lo-loves it.

I lo-love it.

We're looking for young Vikings to come

and join the p-party here in Greenland. Pour me a drink, Magnus.

I can't, the beer is frozen. And look, the jug is frozen to my hand.

-I got a jug hand. -[chuckles]

Don't believe what you've heard, the weather here is great

and the land is so f-fertile.

Why else would we call it Greenland?

To encourage people to move here even though it's freezing and there's no food?

Mum!

I lost a thumb!

It must have got so hot it went to find some shade.

We are so lucky to live here, that's why mums go to Greenland.

Oh, you stupid boy.

Give me my furs, I'm freezing.

It's true, Eric the Red was banished from Iceland

and founded a colony on Greenland instead.

He called it that to fool people into living there,

even though the winters were actually very, very cold.

Making Eric the Red more Eric the B-b-b-b-b-blue. [laughs]

[narrator] Rotten Romans!

It's the Thou Hast Been Framed! Roman special, yeah.

Welcome to the battle of Zama, Hannibal of Carthage

versus Scipio of Rome.

Here's Hannibal getting ready to rumble.

I'm sending my elephants to attack the Romans.

Orsa, charge!

[trumpet]

[soldier] The Romans have scared the elephants with trumpets.

-They're coming back. -Let's get out of here. Who'd think I'd get chased by my own elephants?

[narrator] That's what I call Carthage Carnage. Or Catharnage.

Or Carnathage. Oh, you get the point.

A solemn moment, Caesar Augustus himself

visiting the tomb of Alexander the Great.

Two of the greatest men in history under one roof, a day to remember.

Alexander of Macedonia,

I honour your memory.

[cracking]

[narrator] Dah, what have you done?

I... pulled his nose off by accident.

Yeah, Caesar Augustus there winning the most famous general in a room

by a nose.

Oh dear, I don't like the look of this. What's that crazy Emperor Nero doing?

Some kind of torture, no doubt.

Setting fire to someone? Cutting them in half?

Setting wolves on them? Naughty boy.

I wrote this one myself. It's called, "By the bonny, bonny banks of the Tiber."

Just when you thought it couldn't get any crueller,

you find out he plays the bagpipes. Mercy!

After the break, the Roman General of Pompey leads his parade into Rome

and gets his elephant trapped in a triumphal arch. Oh!

In 60 BC, before Rome was ruled by Emperors,

it was run by an alliance of the three most powerful Romans,

General Pompey, Julius Caesar, and the richest Roman of all time,

Marcus Licinius Crassus, he was a rascal.

[techno music playing]

♪ I'm Marcus Licinius Crassus ♪

♪ No rich man could ever surpass us ♪

♪ Wanted people to say I was brave ♪

♪ But lost my first fight And hid in a cave ♪

♪ Living there could be A pauper's nightmare ♪

♪ But if you're rich like me Then you don't care ♪

♪ I called my slave to the cave To ask it ♪

♪ To cook a feast and lower in a basket ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted ♪

♪ But they ain't rich like me ♪

♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪

♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪

♪ I'm minted! I back General Sulla ♪

♪ Every day my wallet got fuller ♪

♪ Took the land off our enemies To flog it ♪

♪ Used to the cash to fill my pocket If I heard of a house on fire ♪

♪ I'd rush over, be a quick cash buyer ♪

♪ My firemen would then douse the flames ♪

♪ Boom! Another big house to my name ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted ♪

♪ But they ain't rich like me ♪

♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪ ♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪ ♪ I'm minted! I bought an army for fighting Spartacus ♪

♪ At the start my men lost heart-acus ♪

♪ I killed one in ten in a killing spree ♪

♪ So they were more scared of me Than the enemy ♪

♪ Smashed the slaves It got real gory ♪

♪ But then Pompey stole my glory ♪

♪ To show it was me That crushed the horde ♪

♪ Nailed up the slaves Like on a billboard ♪

♪ They're splinted! Not enough to be a politician ♪

♪ Wanted triumph Took my army on a mission ♪

♪ Got owned by the Parthian Persians ♪

♪ They killed me But you'll hear two versions ♪

♪ The famous one's quite hard to follow They gave me boiling gold to swallow ♪

♪ But the true way they made me pay ♪

♪ They used my head as a prop in a play ♪

♪ Embarrassing ♪

♪ There's Romans think they're minted ♪

♪ But they ain't rich like me ♪

♪ You can't call yourself loaded ♪

♪ Till you can buy an army ♪

♪ Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar ♪

♪ They're more famous than me ♪

♪ But I'm the world's richest geezer ♪

♪ There's no one richer than me ♪

♪ Ha, ha, love it Tell me you don't love it! Ha, ha ♪

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

One of our finest Georgian philosophers was called Jeremy Bentham.

He was quite brilliant, but somewhat,

well, how shall I put this, unusual.

-Good afternoon, Sir. -Ah, Jennings.

I've just finished my new design for a panopticon prison,

in which one guard can watch all inmates

without their being able to tell whether or not they're being watched.

Brilliant as ever, Sir. Now I trust you haven't forgotten

you invited your new neighbour over for tea.

You won't do anything to embarrass him, will you?

No, Jennings, of course I won't.

Sir, what on earth are you wearing?

Well, I'm just trying out my new invention.

They're called underpants.

What do you think?

I think they should be under something, Sir.

-Yes, you're quite right. [laughs] -[knocks on door]

Ah.

Mr-- Good gracious!

-They're underpants, Sir. -I see.

Would you care for some tea?

I believe the Reverend, Sir John Lambourne will be joining us shortly.

If a Reverend is joining us, should you not be wearing breeches, Sir?

He won't mind.

Oh, here he is now.

-[meows] -The Reverend is a cat?

Yes, of course. Come on, Reverend.

There we are.

Tell me Sir, do all your pets have such unusual names?

Of course not, my other pet's called Dickie.

-A pet dog? -A pet teapot.

Who's a good teapot? Who's a good teapot? Yes, you are!

Mr Bentham, I'm a very busy man, you are a very busy man, clearly.

So I shall not beat about the bush.

I intend to have a summer house built in my garden

and I was hoping you would be agreeable to this.

Of course, an Englishman should be able to do

whatever he likes in his own garden.

I intend to decorate mine with varnished corpses.

-I beg your pardon? -We must demystify death, Sir,

surround ourselves with it and we will lose our fear of mortality.

But you can't keep corpses in a garden!

Yeah, maybe you're right. The weather would rot them.

Maybe I'll just exhibit some preserved heads

in a specially modified cabinet.

You Sir, are a very unusual man.

Oh! Right, I'm off to walk Dapple and Dobbin.

-Here they are, Sir. -Thank you, Jennings.

Come on boys! [imitates neighing]

Ride like the wind. Oh, Dapple.

[narrator] Words we get from Jeremy Bentham!

International! Detachable! Minimise, maximise!

Submergible. Lengthiness.

Exhaustive. Collaborator.

Swallowable. Repeatable.

Repeatable. Repeatable.

Antagonising.

Eccentric.

[woman narrator] True or false?

After he died, Jeremy Bentham's body was put on display.

His skeleton was dressed in his own clothes,

stuffed with straw and topped off with a replica wax head.

It's...

true!

It was what he wanted!

And you can still see it to this day in the University of London.

Here's another colourful Georgian character. ♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪

Happy birthday.

Come on then, blow the candle out.

Oh! We'll be here all day.

Next!

Bonjour. Je m'apelle Madame Blanchard.

Oh! A French lady. I'll take this.

[speaking in French]

Je m'apelle Madame Blanchard.

-I just told you, no? -Alright it's the only French I know.

And what brings you here, [exaggerating] Madame Blanchard?

You may have heard of my husband, John Pierre Blanchard?

-No. -The famous balloonist?

Oh right, well, you should feel right at home here.

In 1785, my husband became the first man

to ever cross the channel in a balloon

and I am something of a pioneer of aeronautics myself

being the first woman to ever work as a professional balloonist.

[helium voice] Oh well, that's amazing, well done you, Madame Blanchard.

"But too much helium can be bad for you." [normal] I'm already dead, keep up.

Sorry, do continue.

[deflating]

It was the balloon.

Well, after the death of my dear beloved husband,

I continued ballooning and in 1819, I did an ascent over Paris.

I wanted it to be a sight that no one would ever forget.

So I set off some fireworks at a great height.

Oh! Rewind. You let off some fireworks in a balloon?

Probably not my best idea.

One of the fireworks ignited the balloon gas and... [imitates deflating]

[laughs]

When a firework display ends, it can leave you feeling a little flat.

Do you get it? Splat, flat, you.

[laughs] You're through to the afterlife.

Merci.

Oh, mind the step, there's a bit of a drop,

but I suppose you're used to that. [laughs]

Sometimes I love this job. I do though, I do.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages!

[woman narrator] Much of what we know about the early Middle Ages

is thanks to monks

who wrote a chronicle of all the important events of each year.

There's a lot going on in the Saxon world.

And for years, it's been almost impossible to keep up.

We've got invasions.

Civil War.

-Saxons. -Angles.

-Dukes. -Danes.

-Vikings. -Normans.

And goodness knows what else.

And now you won't have to miss a thing, thanks to...

[all] Anglo Saxon Chronicle Magazine from Worcester, Abingdon, Peterborough.

Yes, you can read the Anglo Saxon Chronicle

in any of these five locations in Middle Ages England.

We heard Earl Aelfgar was outlawed for admitting being a traitor.

Well hang on. According to my Worcester version,

he was outlawed despite having done very little wrong.

Our Abingdon issue says he didn't do anything wrong at all.

Is someone checking we're all telling the same story here?

I'm not.

-We just write whatever we want. -Us, too.

What happens when everyone finds this out?

Not much.

-They're not allowed to read it. -It's for monks only.

Cool, cool. Well, I won't tell anyone if you won't.

I definitely won't, I'm taking a vow of silence.

There goes the key.

Anglo Saxon Chronicle! The magazine everyone in Saxon England should read.

-As long as they're monks. -What happened to the vow?

Starting now.

Those monks were the copying machines of their day

until the invention of the printing press.

-Good morning. -Good morning, Lord Sugar.

Now, which one of you is Team Monk?

That was a joke! I'm joking. It's a tough crowd.

This week's task was perfectly simple.

All I asked you lot to do was to make as many copies as possible

of this bestseller, the Bible.

So Team Monk, who was your project manager? Look, I know this boardroom's intimidating, but I won't bite.

Although I might bite if one of you doesn't start talking.

They've all taken a vow of silence, Lord Sugar.

Of course, sorry, Karen.

So how did team baldy get on then?

Well, they copied the Bible, by hand, using quill pens.

Sounds a bit rude one to me, Karen.

How about Team Gutenberg here, who was your project manager?

I was. I'm Johannes Gutenberg.

Yeah, I know, I was joking again. How did you approach the challenge?

Well, Lord Sugar, I created a whole new printing process.

The old process involves carving out whole pages onto these blocks of wood

which are just thrown away

-when the book's printed. -[glass shatters]

Sorry. So I created a whole new movable typeface

using these individual metal letters

which can be arranged to spell anything you like

and reused again and again and again to create any number of different books.

-Or a bill for a broken window? -Quite so.

I needed a printing press so that I didn't have to do anything by hand anymore.

Well, what idiot would do it all by hand?

Oh, you make the joke? That's very funny.

The printing press is based on the screw press as used in wine making.

Ingenious! How did the other team get on?

Well in one day, Team Monk, between them, managed to reproduce

-just 25 pages of the Bible. -25 pages?

Well, they did spend an awful lot of time on their opening letters.

Yeah, but 25 pages is a disgrace.

It's gonna take you months to make a copy, isn't it?

How did Team Gutenberg get on?

Well the Gutenberg press printed 3,500 pages in a single day.

That's more like it, highly efficient. So just to recap.

Team Gutenberg single handedly started a revolution in communication,

enabling knowledge to spread throughout the masses.

And Team Monk here gave us a few pretty letters.

Team Monk, what have you got to say?

They've taken a vow of silence.

I know Karen, it was another joke! Not you on all?

-Sorry. -Team Monk,

I've only got one thing to say to you, well actually two things.

[laughs]

You're fired. Team Gutenberg, congratulations.

You've won yourself a five star Cordon Bleu dinner of a lifetime.

Team Monk, you're getting bread and water.

Without the bread and water.

That should shut them up, Mick.

Gutenberg changed the world with his printing press.

It meant ordinary people had access to books

and knowledge was spread around.

It's one of the most important inventions of all time.

Right up there with the Whoopie Cushion.

[imitates fart noise and laughs]

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

Grace Darling, darling, you've got a fan letter.

A fan letter for me, father? Oh, it hardly seems possible. Nonsense, everybody's talking about how you rowed that little boat

out to the wrecked ship off the Farne Islands to rescue those people.

Darling, you're the darling, Darling of the newspapers.

Of course, it was actually me who rowed the boat out to the wrecked ship.

All you did was keep it steady while I carried the injured people aboard,

but nobody seemed very interested in me.

"Dear Grace, I was so inspired by your strength and bravery

that I've painted a picture of you and put it on my wall.

Might I have a lock of your hair?"

Oh, what a charming letter, of course you may.

A couple more fan letters.

Oh really, people are so kind.

"Dear Grace, you are my heroine, you're so brave and fearless.

I'd have been too scared to go out all on me own like that."

Of course you weren't on your own, I was there,

but nobody cares about that 'cos I'm a big bloke with a lighthouse

and you're a heroic little girl.

Although you were actually nearly 23 when we rescued those people,

but who's counting? Luckily, I'm not bitter.

She wants a lock of your hair.

This one wants a lock of me hair, as well.

Well, you can't give them all hair.

Oh, it's just three letters.

[man knocks on door] Postman!

"Thank you so much for your letter and request for a lock of my hair.

Sadly, it is the two thousandth such request

and I am no longer able to honour it.

Do you think you could write again in a couple of months when it's grown back?

And in the meantime, here's a toenail clipping."

Oh, she'll be delighted with that, it's a beauty.

Grace Darling was so famous people kept asking for locks of her hair

and she nearly went bald.

People never ask me for locks of my hair.

What's that?

Probably 'cos it's covered in poo?

The problem being?

Time now to meet another famous Victoria woman.

Welcome to HH TV Sport, and I'm just hearing that Emma Sharp,

an ordinary woman from Bradford,

is about to complete an extraordinary challenge.

If you think the marathon looked like hard work,

imagine having to do 38 of them, back to back.

Let's go live to 1864. Gary.

Yes, great excitement here at Quarry Gap Hotel Sports Ground

in Bradford where a crowd of 25,000 people have come

to watch this humble housewife as she nears the end of her incredible attempt

to walk a 1,000 miles in a 1,000 hours.

In fact, the events generated so much interest,

they've been selling tickets.

She's been walking up and down this racetrack for the last 42 days

and nights, and now there's just a few hundred yards to go

and here she comes now! And just listen to that crowd.

[crowd booing]

Actually, let's listen to that crowd.

What is she doing? Boo! Somebody stop her.

What do you mean, somebody stop her? She's about to do something extraordinary.

I've heard of men doing it.

Whoever heard of a woman doing something so physically demanding,

it shouldn't be possible. Also, I bet ten quid that she couldn't.

Yeah, she's costing us a fortune, that woman.

Get her off.

Right, it seems that many people in this largely male crowd

have actually been betting that she's not going to make it.

-[crowd cheering] -I don't believe it, he tripped her up.

-[crowd booing] -She's back on her feet.

Oh, she's amazing! Let's see if we can grab a quick word with her.

Mrs Sharp, you're nearly there, how do you feel?

I'd just like to thank me husband for inspiring me every step of the way.

So he's believed in you from the start?

No, he said no woman was capable of such a thing.

So I'm doing it to prove the smug idiot wrong.

Well, I think that's... And there are still people trying to stop her.

She's pulled a gun. Breaking news here, Emma Sharp's just pulled a gun.

But there she goes towards the finishing line armed with a pistol

and accompanied by 18 policemen and a man with a loaded musket.

Oh, she's done it!

Yes, a 1,000 miles in a 1,000 hours, and that is one in the eye

to all those chauvinist pigs who said she'd never make it. Back to the studio.

She must have cheated. There's no way a woman could...

We're not still on air, are we, Pete?