Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪ ♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Awful Egyptians.

Out of the Battle of Pelusium in 525BC

the Persians faced the might of our Egyptian army

and they used a sneaky trick to beat us.

Great. Look, I don't care if we are the elite of the Persian army

I don't fancy our chances against the Egyptians.

Look at them, there must be thousands of them.

Relax man, we're being led by Cambyses the Conqueror,

the Butcher of Memphis.

Imagine how many Egyptians you gotta kill to get a nickname like that.

Besides, I've heard we've got a secret weapon too.

Warriors, with our new secret weapon we shall be invulnerable.

I present the weapon that will defeat the Egyptians.

[drum rolls]

-[cat meows] -Right, um, does it explode?

No, it's just a cat. It works like this. Present cat!

[drum rolls]

-You see. -We're gonna get creamed.

They're shooting. Get out of here.

Wait! Allow me a chance to demonstrate how our secret cat weapon works.

-Ridiculous. -Present cat!

-[cat meows] -It stopped.

They're retreating. How does it work?

Simples! Egyptians love cats.

They have cat cults, cat festivals, whole cities dedicated to cats.

They wouldn't dare risk hurting one.

As long as we hold the cats between us and them, they shan't dare attack.

There's one problem with your plan.

-What's that? -What if you're allergic?

[sneezing]

-Sorry, you've got a really weird sneeze. -I know.

-Sounds like you're just saying "Wazoo". -Wazoo.

-Sounds like wazoo, extraordinary. -Please stop it. Wazoo.

Bless you! Ancient Egyptians offered mummified cats to the goddess Bastet.

One tomb, built in around 2000BC was discovered with the remains

80,000 cat mummies.

I'd like us all just to take a moment to think about all those dead cats.

[laughs] Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats!

[Egyptian advert v/o] Do you heart cats? Then you'll love I Love Cats Magazine

because we Ancient Egyptians don't just love cats

we worship them, literally.

Don't miss our special offer on moggie mummification.

When your beloved pusscat passes on

why not treat them to their own special sarcophagus. Purr-fect!

You'll love our special report on the Festival of Bastet, Goddess of Cats.

700,000 visited her temple at Babastis

honouring her by singing and dancing and drinking loads and loads of wine.

Festival of Bastet's brilliant.

Meow! And don't miss this month's special feature on hunting with cats.

Find out how I taught my cat how to help me hunt.

All I have to do is throw this boomerang

and try and catch a flying bird.

Yes, got one! Now Tiddles will help me retrieve it.

Tiddles, fetch! Go on, Tiddles, fetch the... no, you're going the wrong way.

She needs a bit more training. I wish you were a dog!

-[slamming] -Ugh, every time!

[Egyptian advert v/o] Cat-tastrophe!

And enter this month's cat caption competition

and you could win a cat pendant

which comes with a lifetime guarantee of protection

from the cat goddess herself.

Check out last month's winner.

[cat v/o] I can haz mummification.

[Egyptian advert v/o] So buy I Love Cats Magazine,

out Meow!

Yours for three cloves of garlic or one clove of garlic

if you're good at bartering.

[narrator] Shocking Scotland.

Famous Scot, Bonnie Prince Charlie, thought he should be King of Britain

so he led a rebellion against George II, but his army was heavily defeated

at the Battle of Culloden and Charlie needed help to escape.

[music playing]

[Prince Charlie] Hello. I'm just canvassing opinion

on the young pretender, Bonnie Prince Charlie,

who recently failed in his attempt to overthrow King George II.

Do you think he's...

A, absolutely awful and you'd turn him in in a heartbeat.

B, basically alright, but you wouldn't wanna meet him.

Or C, a good Scottish lad who you'd definitely help

if he came to your door doing a silly voice.

C.

Ah, thank goodness for that.

Bonnie Prince Charlie!

The very same.

What on earth are you doing out here in the Hebrides.

I'm on the run. King George II wants me dead.

He didn't like me going to war against him.

I can't imagine why.

No, nor I, given I am the last legitimate heir to the House of Stuart

and so the rightful heir to the throne of Britain.

-If you say so. -[Prince Charlie] Now,

I can go safe to France from the Isle of Skye but I cannot get to Skye on me own.

So, what do you say? Will you help a handsome prince?

-Maybe, what's his name? -Er, I meant me.

Oh, right! Of course.

Now, the King has put a £30,000 price on my head

so the challenge is going to be getting me to Skye without being spotted.

Don't you worry, I have everything we need.

Oh great, thanks. Honestly, it's been a nightmare, all this running and hiding.

Can you think of anything more humiliating

than a man of royal blood having to skulk around the...

Apparently you can.

If anyone asks, your name is Betty Burke and you're my Irish maid.

-Can you do an Irish accent? -[Charlie] Top of the morning to you.

-Maybes I'll do the talking. -Well, what do you think?

Think you make a more convincing Irish maid than you would a King.

Well, people do say I'm bonnie.

[music playing]

After Bonnie Prince Charlie's rebellion

a law made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts.

Though it said nothing about wearing dresses.

The ban remained in force until 1782.

One famous Scot who had more luck against the English

was Robert the Bruce.

[thrilling music playing]

Okay, hit me!

I am Robert the Bruce and this is the tale

of how I defeated the English King

at the Battle of Bannockburn and won the throne of Scotland.

-Isn't er, Scoterland part of Engerland. -Not exactly.

Now where have I heard of you before?

Perhaps you've heard tales of my courage and skills in battle?

-That's it! You're the spider guy. -The what what guy?

Yes! You hid in a cave watching a spider and that inspired you to fight on.

Every time the web snapped the spider started to build it again.

-If at first you don't succeed, try again. -Not in the movie business.

No, that never actually happened, that's just a story people tell

to explain why I never gave up, no matter what.

What if he got bitten by the spider and turned into a superhero?

-Spiderguy. -Spiderguy 2.

-Now we're getting somewhere. -Well enough about the spiders men, okay?

This film is about how we Scots defeated the English King Edward in battle.

-Braveheart, I love that movie. -Seen it, bought the face paint.

-Hang on, that was the other chap. -Mel Gibson?

-William Wallace. -So who's this clown? I'm Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland.

William Wallace had been dead nine years

when we defeated the English at Bannockburn.

He wasn't even fighting the same King Edward.

Yes, but he won you the throne.

Aye, he won some battles, yes, but then he was defeated

and had to hide for several years. I won my own throne.

I can't believe me ears. Are you suggesting that

the Hollywood film Braveheart is not 100% historically accurate?

-I think I'm gonna faint. -I think we're gonna go with Spiderguy.

No! I will not have it.

I will not have you take my life and make a mockery of it.

You may take our lives...

-[groans] -...but you'll never take our freedom!

-Freedom! -Pathetic.

-Great guy. I love the Irish. -Scottish.

-Not if Colin Farrell's gonna play him. -Colin Farrell!

[laughs]

[narrator] Savage Stone Age.

[woman narrator] Stone Age invention number 28,

wearing clothes.

[music playing]

-You want to buy clothes? -What clothes?

-This clothes. -Ugh, clothes look stupid.

Clothes latest thing. Good for keep warm. This winter clothes.

-Ugh. -This summer clothes.

Oh! Clothes stinky.

Oh, this clothes better. So soft.

Previous owner not finished with those clothes.

-[bear roars] -Argh!

[laughs] Funny.

Yes, stone age man make lots of clever inven...

inventons, in, ugh, things.

This one make hunting much easier.

[up-tempo music playing]

Hello and welcome to Historical Top Gear.

Now, if you wanna go somewhere fast, we've got the answer

because today we're looking at the very latest in transportation devices:

the horse.

I know what you're thinking, horses have been around

for even longer than this prehistoric presenter, but up until now

they've been tricky to ride and almost impossible to steer.

That is until boffins in the Ukraine came up with a brand new piece of technology

which makes it far easier to ride on horses' backs, and here it is.

This clever piece of kit is called a bit.

A bit? They might as well have called it a thingy.

[laughs]

Anyway, enough chat, it's time for a test ride.

[music playing]

[James] And just look at the Stig out on track. Here's how it works.

The bit works by applying pressure to the horse's lip

so when I pull on this rein the horse turns left

and when I pull on this rein the horse turns right. Clever stuff.

My horse now handles beautifully, especially on tight corners.

I can see how this Ukrainian gizmo is really going to revolutionise hunting.

[music playing]

These horses are pretty powerful.

How many horse power does one horse put out?

-Um, one. -Woof!

[James] Next week on Historical Top Gear in the Stone Age

we'll be looking at how the boffins are getting on inventing the wheel.

Well that's never gonna work. I mean how are the gonna fit it on the horses' legs?

No idea.

Well on that bombshell, goodbye.

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

Today on Victorian Word Battles, it's Charles Dickens versus Lewis Carroll.

The authors of Alice in Wonderland

and Oliver Twist going head to head in a word off.

Who can come up with the best new words? This is about to go down.

-Messiness. -Burble.

-Unpromisingly. -Chortle.

Fancy-dressed.

Slithy galumphing bandersnatch.

I'm sorry, actually I let "burble" and "chortle" go

but "slithy galumphing bandersnatch" aren't real words.

-Yes they are, I just created them. -Oh, bah humbug!

Now who's making stuff up?

Did you know, Lewis Carroll wasn't the author's real name?

His real name was Charles Dodson.

Lots of authors use a so called "pen name" to write their books.

Mine's J. K. Rowling.

Lewis Carroll loved imagining crazy fantasy stories

whereas Charles Dickens preferred telling stories about gritty real life.

[music playing]

[screams]

[music playing]

♪ I lived a happy life 'til I was 10 years old ♪

♪ When debt landed Dad in prison And our country house was sold ♪

♪ Lodged with a lady in her London flat so cold ♪

♪ Worked at a boot polish factory Labelling jars - quite dull all told ♪

♪ Goodness only knows ♪

♪ I was a miserable so-oh-oul ♪

♪ For a time I went to school But then I found a job ♪

♪ As a clerk to a lawyer, oh It made my poor head throb ♪ ♪ I failed to be an actor Despite my loud gob ♪

♪ Ended up reporting speeches Of the Parliamentary mob ♪

♪ Then as everybody knows ♪

♪ I started writing pro-oh-ose ♪

♪ Put my life into my books ♪

♪ Friends and enemies and crooks ♪

♪ Legal bosses, up they crop ♪

♪ In the Old Curiosity Shop ♪

♪ Fagin in Oliver Twist? ♪

♪ "A factory pal" you get the gist ♪

♪ And although my memory's quite foggy ♪

♪ Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer ♪

♪ Scroggie ♪

♪ My first book was an Overnight sensation ♪

♪ But I drove myself too hard to Enjoy the adulation ♪

♪ Despite my wealth my family Begged for money ♪

♪ I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit Which people said was funny ♪

♪ Didn't sell like books before ♪

♪ My family still asked for mo-oh-ore ♪

♪ Little Dorrit is a tale ♪ ♪ About my dad in debtors' jail ♪

♪ While Hard Times tells my life ♪

♪ About when I tried to leave my wife ♪

♪ Little Nell's death was my poor ♪

♪ Dear departed sister-in-law ♪

♪ And David Copperfield Working in a factory ♪

♪ I must confess that that was Really me ♪

♪ In my life, felt shame 'bout Poverty in childhood ♪

♪ Wrote about sadness Suffering and fears ♪

♪ Also wrote about People with funny names ♪

♪ Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge, Uriah Heep ♪

♪ And Wackford Squeers ♪

♪ Whilst writing Edwin Drood ♪

♪ A train crash didn't help my mood ♪

♪ Still I drove myself on ♪

♪ With readings far across the pond ♪

♪ Died before I wrote Drood's end ♪

♪ This sort of thing drove me Round the bend ♪

♪ So Dickens take a, Dickens take a bow ♪

♪ And Heaven knows I'm miserable ♪

♪ Now ♪

[narrator] Groovy Greeks.

We Greeks loved a bit of philosophy.

It's the study of the most puzzling questions in life, like why are we here?

What is reality? And how come all philosophers are so weird?

Welcome back to Historical Come Dine With Me

where we brought together four Ancient Greek philosophers.

Wacky mathematician Pythagoras served up some interested theorems. A squared plus B squared equalled C squared. Do you see?

That is absolute genius.

And the other thing is, that after you've died, you come back as animals.

No, I know this because the other day I heard a dog barking

and it definitely was the voice of my friend.

[narrator] Having given up all possessions and clothing,

hippy philosopher Diogenes invited everyone back to his barrel.

Yes, barrel!

Well er, make yourselves at home lads

this is the dining room, the living room and the bedroom.

-Ooh! -And the toilet.

[narrator] Well that's charming.

And know it all biologist Aristotle sliced up a duck a goose, an octopus and a swan.

-Oh, thank you very much. -Sounds delicious.

Oh, I'm not cooking them.

I'm just chopping them into bits to see how their bodies work.

Hummus? Hummus?

[narrator] And now it's time for greedy poet Philoxenus to host a meal

for his fellow contestants.

I do love cooking, um, well, other people's cooking.

[laughs] When I'm feeling a bit peckish, what I like to do is wander the streets

until I smell something good, then I knock on the door

go inside and join'em at the table for dinner. Fantastic. And cheap.

[narrator] Yes, you're what we'd call a cheeky beggar.

-Be careful, that's boiling hot. -Perfect. Thank you cook.

[narrator] Hang on, what do you think you're doing?

-Ah! -What you doing? What you doing?

I need to gargle with hot water, to strengthen my resistance to heat.

[narrator] It seems as if Philoxenus is so greedy

he's training himself to eat all the hot food

before anyone else gets a look in.

Lovely. You will remember to make all the food piping hot, won't you? Okay.

Come in.

[narrator] It's time for Philoxenus to welcome his guests to a memorable feast.

But how will they get on with his piping hot food?

[all screaming]

[narrator] Looks like a bad day to give up clothes.

Scores, please.

It's a nought from Aristotle.

A nought from Pythagoras and from Diogenes, it's a...

[farts]

Oh dear, I think that might be a number two.

[narrator] True or false?

Diogenes drowned in a barrel of his own poo!

It's false. He's said to have died from eating raw octopus.

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

Queen Elizabeth I had a spy master called Francis Walsingham

his mission to catch Catholics plotting against the Queen.

His method, a brand new postal service.

Then you need... Sorry, I just said spy, didn't I?

I just said spy. I really shouldn't mention the whole spy thing, should I? No.

Okay, let's go again, one more time.

Hi, I'm Francis Walsingham and my new royal approved postal service

is said to transform the way that you communicate.

Now you can send your letters and messages from any of our new postal offices.

From there, they'll be collected, sorted, read by a spy and hand delivered to--

I said it again!

The fact that I have every letter read by a spy should be a secret

that's the point Francis! Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Okay, let's do it.

My new postal service is 100% safe and secure

meaning your mail definitely won't be read by spies

looking evidence of Catholic conspiracies against Queen Elizabeth.

Hold on.

Hold on. By denying we're using spies

it's pretty clear that we are using spies, isn't it? Am I wrong?

I should probably just avoid using the word spies altogether really.

Hi, I'm Sir Francis Walsingham and if you're looking for a safer way

to get your letters delivered then try the new royal approved mail service today.

We're reading your mail.

We should probably change that last line.

Walsingham and his spies were very effective.

They stopped the Babington Plot

to put Mary Queen of Scots on Elizabeth's throne.

Mary never did have much luck. [laughs]

[news theme music]

Hello and welcome the News at When. When? Nearly 500 years ago

when perhaps the unluckiest royal in history started

a brand new job at a very young age.

For more details on this incredible story

we go over to Bob Hail with the Mary Queen of Scots report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam.

Well the year is 1542 and a child is about to be born who's the...

-wait for it, wait for it... -[baby cries]

Yes, there she is. Mary Stuart, a daughter to James V of Scotland,

a confident king who'd ruled the Scots

since he was just one year old, and would go on ruling them

-until he was old and grey... -[buzzing]

Oh no, my mistake, he's dead. Aged just 30, leaving six day old

Mary as the new Queen of Scotland

a role that would almost certainly have eaten into naptime.

So various regents were brought in to run Scotland

on Mary's behalf until she was old enough to rule alone

or at the very least, hold her own cutlery.

But she soon grows up, masters cutlery and, in a slightly unusual move

for a Scottish monarch, moves to France. Yes, seeing how nice France is

she marries France's Prince Francis who then becomes France's King Francis

with whom she shares a long and happy life, filled...

-[buzzing] -Oh no, my mistake, he's dead too.

Killed be an ear infection, I think we can assume got quiet bad.

So, Mary is ousted from France, returns to Scotland

and decides to marry her cousin this time, a certain Lord Darnley,

who despite being about as popular with the Scottish nobles as a dust covered cat

in an allergy clinic, enjoys a long and happy marriage with...

-[buzzing] -No, no!

Scratch that. It seems that rumours start circulating of a romance

between the married queen and her private secretary, David Rizzio.

Luckily though, Mary completely denies these rumours, which means that

Rizzio can go on to live a long and happy life, filled with...

No, didn't think so. Yes, despite bravely hiding behind the new pregnant queen,

Rizzio is dragged away by a mob of Lord Darnley's friends, stabbed 56 times

and thrown down some stairs, leaving him very likely dead.

But, with Rizzio out of the picture, the way is clear for Mary and Lord Darnley

to enjoy that long and happy marriage, which I mentioned a few short...

[buzzing]

But, should have guessed, Darnley's dead too,

killed in a very weird explosion at his house,

the sort of weird explosion that also strangles you

and dumps your body in the garden,

which if we look at suspicious death-o-meter, yes, highly suspicious

and for good reason, because it turns out that Darnley was probably murdered

by a Scottish noble called the Earl of Bothwell

who I imagine the now widowed Mary hates more than anyone...

[buzzing]

No! My mistake, she's married him. Did not see that coming.

But, marrying her dead husband's murderer

does not go too well with the Scottish people

who force Mary to hand her crown to her baby son James VI,

and run away to England.

Luckily, Mary's cousin, Elizabeth I welcomes her to England

-with opens arms... -[buzzing]

I cannot get a break today.

No, it seems that Elizabeth throws Mary in jail

because she's worried that Mary might try and murder her

and steal the English crown,

which is something that would never happen in a million...

-[buzzing] -No, no. Oh, come on now.

I mean yes, there is a plot to place Mary on Elizabeth's throne,

but that's hatched by an Italian banker called Ridolfi

and the Duke of Norfolk, so it's nothing to do with Mary herself

who would never do anything as awful as hatch a plot

-to kill her own cousin in cold... -[buzzing]

Will you please just... Okay, yes fine, I mean I suppose Mary does have a hand

in the next plot to kill Elizabeth, Babington Plot,

because it's Mary's own letters about it that leads to the plan being discovered.

But I'm sure Queen Elizabeth will react in a calm and maje--

I was joking! It was a joke!

Elizabeth reacts to the discovery of the plot by signing Mary's death warrant

and despite a last minute wobble over whether or not to go through with it,

Elizabeth finally has Mary Queen of Scots executed on 8th February 1587,

at which point the executioner discovers she wears a wig

when he tries to pick her head up by the hair.

-[buzzing] -That happened. That actually happened.

-[buzzing continues] -It did. That... ugh, honestly.

And her lips kept moving for a quarter of an hour after she died.

Well, that's an eye witness account.

-[buzzing] -I'm telling you that...

Stop making the... Right, that's it, I'm turning that off.

No, I've had enough with it.

We'll see who the clever man is now, won't we?

Probably should have turned the power off. Back to you, Sam.

[news theme music playing] [narrator] Ruthless Rulers.

[music playing]

Hi, welcome to Gross Designs.

I'm here in Middle Ages Romania to meet a man with a truly awe inspiring

new design project to defend his country.

His name is Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia.

Please, my friends call me Dracula.

You're not gonna bite my neck and suck out all the blood, are you?

-[laughs] No, I'm not vampire. -You're not some crazed killer. [laughs]

Mm, well, I'm not vampire anyway.

No, Dracula means son of Dracul, the dragon.

Dracul was my father's name, so I am Dracul-a.

Glad we've cleared that up. Why don't you tell us about your design?

So the basic plan is to defend my country from invasion

with 20,000 sharpened wooden poles.

[presenter] Vlad has been having a dispute with his neighbour

the massive Ottoman Empire, which wants to invade his country

and conquer it, as they've done with many other countries.

Vlad's solution is to build a large fence all the way around the border.

So it's an interesting nickname you've got, Vlad the Impala.

Forgive me for saying, but you don't seem like the kind of man

who'd be named after a small gazelle.

No, no, it's Vlad the Impaler, Kevin.

The army is out there right now, rounding up 20,000 volunteers

to impale on these sharp poles.

Ugh! Like shish kebab. [laughs]

You know what the Ottomans will say when they see

the bodies of 20,000 of my own people spiked on the border?

-You're insane! -Agh! Exactly.

We'll have a little sign which says "Welcome to Wallachia,

stick around and end up around a stick."

Eh! They'll be too terrified to invade.

[laughs] It is genius and it will work.

Has he gone? [exhales]

Vlad the Impaler really did have 20,000 of his own people

impaled on stakes to scare away invaders.

It worked too! They thought if he'd do that to his own people

what will he do to us?

Rulers really can't get much more rotten than that. Or can they?

[cheerful music playing]

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ They're funny cause They're true! ♪

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪

That was delicious, but I couldn't eat another thing.

Do you want a chip? Oh, I see you've already eaten.

Right, best get on. Ugh, next!

-And you are? -Ivan the Terrible.

Ooh, Ivan the Terrible!

And what's so "terrible" about you? Hope it's not wind. [laughs]

I once gouged out the eyes of two architects.

Oh yes, and what crime had they committed?

They had built me the most beautiful church the world had ever seen,

Saint Basil's in Moscow, the one with the multi-coloured onion domes, very pretty.

And you rewarded them by gouging their eyes out.

Of course, to ensure that they never built anything better for anybody else.

Yeah, that is quite "terrible" actually.

I once had an archbishop sewn into a bearskin and hunted down

and killed by wild dogs.

-[Ivan laughs] -Yep. That's pretty terrible too.

I also had people buried alive, roasted on a spit, boiled in oil

and my enemies' ribs pulled out by hot pincers. [laughs]

Alright mate, steady on, I've just had me lunch. [burps] I also tipped scolding soup over my jester.

Just how bad were his jokes? [laughs]

Put it this way, that was the only time he made me laugh.

I then stabbed him to death.

Alright mate, you've made your point, it's official, you are terrible.

So come on then, let's hear it, what terrible way did Ivan the Terrible die?

Ooh, let me guess, were you covered in honey and eaten alive by ants.

-Net. -Mm, ripped apart by wild horses.

-Negative. -Ugh. Well?

I died playing chess.

You, the most blood thirsty man on the planet died playing a board game!

Alright, laugh it up, skeletor.

Hey, who won? Or, was it a dead heat!

Dead! I said a dead heat.

I once killed my jester, remember.

I'm already dead mate. Keep up.

Well done, you're through to the afterlife. Don't stay in touch.

See you later crocodile.

No, it's see you later alligator, because it... oh, never mind. What's that?

Yes, you're quite right. Terrible man. Next!

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪