Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Slimy Stuarts!

Travelling around in Stuart Britain can be very dangerous.

I think I'll just stay at home.

[playing the flageolet]

Darling, must you?

It calms my nerves, you know how dangerous

coach travel can be nowadays what with all the highwaymen on the road.

-[gunshot] -Oh, what was that?

Just a rut in the road I expect.

-[gunshot] -Oh, what was that?

Just a branch hitting the roof.

-[neighing] -[deep breaths] What's happening?

Just a quick stop to feed the horses I can imagine.

Oh!

And that's just a highwayman pointing a loaded pistol at us. Huh!

-Oh! -Stand and deliver.

By which I mean stay seated and give me stuff. [chuckles]

I reckon a couple of toffs like you carry at least £400 in cash

so if you hand it over calmly there is no need to...

A flageolet. Tell me, do you play?

-I do indeed. -Shall we?

[playing the flageolet]

Sorry, just to check, are you still holding us up?

You know it is so nice to meet a fellow musician.

-Er, do you know "Jackdaws in Spring"? -I do.

Well, this couldn't get any weirder if it--

[playing]

My mistake. Yeah, look, sorry to be a party pooper,

but could we possibly get back to the holdup, we have dinner at six.

Of course, of course.

Enchanté.

Now where were we? Oh yes, [chuckles] armed robbery.

Now since you are kind enough to allow me to dance -with your very talented wife. -Oh you.

I shall do a special knockdown rate.

Say £100 for the whole crime, what do you think? -Oh, very decent of you. -Not a problem, least I can do.

-There you are. -Ah! Thank you.

Have you considered getting into the music business?

No, between you and I, I hear it is full of crooks.

What's the difference between Claude Duval and Strictly Come Dancing?

One's a dancing criminal, the others got criminal dancing.

[laughs] Alright, suit yourself.

When Claude Duval was eventually caught, Charles II liked him so much

he tried to get him released. But poor Claude was hanged all the same.

[narrator] Woeful Second World War!

[woman narrator] During World War Two, all sorts of weird and unlikely

new weapons were developed.

But none perhaps as weird and unlikely as the Bat Bomb.

Yes, the Americans came up with a plan to glue firebombs to bats.

And release them over Japan.

The idea was the bats would go and roost in Japanese wooden buildings

and then explode and set fire to their cities.

It was a brilliant plan.

But there was just one slight problem.

Some of the Bat Bombs escaped.

Come back here, come back here now! That's an order.

And blew an American airbase to pieces.

It was very much back to the drawing board.

Which had also been blown to pieces.

In World War Two, British Air Command started using radar

to see German planes at night.

But radar was a big secret.

So to stop the Germans finding out,

the British cooked up a rather unusual cover story. Carry on.

-Well, how did the bombing raid go? -Not very well.

-We got shot down. -[both] Again!

Ah! This keeps happening. Even though we attack them at night.

I know. It's as though they have some sort of ground-breaking new technology

that allows them to scan the skies for aircraft

and plot our exact position on some sort of screen?

That is exactly what it's like.

And do you know what my intelligence reports tell me it is?

Carrots.

They have trained carrots to scan the sky for aircraft and--

No, no, no. Apparently eating lots of carrots

improves their ability to see in the dark.

That is how they can see us even on night raids.

And this is not some vile rumour, there is a leak.

-Is it carrots or leeks? -No, no, there is a source.

A leek sauce?

No, no, there is an informer inside the British Air Ministry

who has let us know that it is eating lots of carrots

that allows their pilots to see in the dark.

-Yah! Could it not be a bluff? -Well if it is, it's a very good one.

They have even started to tell the British people that eating the carrots

will allow them to see better during the blackouts.

There is a poster and everything.

Then there is only one thing for it.

We build a weapon to destroy the world's carrots!

And to be safe, any other brightly coloured root vegetable.

Dumkoffs! We give ourselves the same advantage.

If we also start eating the carrots then we too will be able to see in the dark.

The table will be turned.

It's brilliant.

Now darkness is our ally.

-To your planes. -Jawohl!

[crashing]

-Yeah, I don't think it's the carrots. -Yeah, possibly not carrots.

[laughs] Yes, it was in fact radar that helped British pilots to see in the dark,

not carrots. Er, although the vitamins in carrots are good for your eyes.

Carrots are also good for a nose, if you're a snowman. [laughs]

[narrator] Groovy Greeks!

[narrator] Now, that's what they called Greek battle music.

Pumping music to motivate, focus and help you get fired up for battle.

Featuring this track for Athenian Troops.

Oh yeah, love it! Now well psyched up.

Woo, let's do this thing, come on.

This hit for Theban Warriors.

Oh, I'll be the warrior who has to face me today.

I pity him! That man has problems in his head! Oh! Bring it on!

[narrator] And music for Spartan warriors.

Oh, I'm so pumped!

-[soft music playing] -Hey, hey, hey guys, chillax, yeah?

Dude, this music isn't gonna get you fired up.

Us Spartans are permanently fired up and ready for battle.

So much so that before we fight,

we need music just to calm us down yeah, can you dig?

So you're trying not to get psyched up?

Of course, you don't want the fun of battle to be over too quickly, do you?

-[calming music ends] -No.

Who wants a fight?

I'll knock your head off! Yeah!

[narrator] Now, that's what they called Greek battle music.

Hit after hit, after hit.

Sparta! [coughs] Argh!

Buy now while enemies last.

It's true. Spartan men were full time warriors.

So battle ready, they preferred to listen to flutes and panpipes.

You really wouldn't want to face them.

I guess the good thing about wearing a tunic was

if you wee'd yourself, it wasn't so obvious. [laughs]

And every Spartan warrior needed a Spartan bride.

[woman narrator] Tomorrow is this Spartan bride's

wedding day, perhaps the biggest day of her life.

-Ouch. -Will you hold still, I'm nearly done.

But she has let her fiancé, Actayon, plan every single detail of their wedding.

Well, I've chosen her outfit, planned the ceremony, even picked her hairstyle.

I just hope she likes it.

So will it be a day to remember, or one she'd rather forget?

Oh, dear!

There, just like he asked for. What do you think?

Well, I think...

it's wonderful, you're the best bridesmaid ever.

Oh.

Oh yeah sorry, this is Don't Tell the Spartan Bride.

With her fiancé's choice of haircut having gone down surprisingly well,

Crayosa is now waiting for the delivery

of the wedding outfit Actayon has picked for her.

Knock, knock, I've got your bridal wear.

[Actayon] I've gone pretty traditional with the outfit.

I mean, all me army buddies went for the same thing with their brides,

so you know, if it ain't broke...

[woman narrator] So will Actayon's traditional outfit be everything

that Crayosa ever dreamed of?

Ta-da!

Oh no! Actayon has dressed his wife up like a Spartan man.

He's going to be in so much trouble now.

-What do you think? -Stunning.

-I know. -You look like a man!

[growls]

[Crayosa] As a Spartan Warrior,

Actayon's devotion to the men in his unit is absolute.

So making me look like a man on our big day,

it just shows how much he loves me. It's so romantic.

[narrator] Who'd have thought! Well with her wedding outfit complete, apparently,

Crayosa has just one more night as a single woman

before she finally sees the ceremony Actayon has spent so long planning.

A-ha!

Oh right, it seems Actayon is kidnapping his fiancée.

Is no one else finding this a bit weird? No? Okay. Actayon has delivered Crayosa back to her mother's house. Great!

So now it must be time for the ceremony.

-Right, I'm off to war. -Yeah, see you, babe.

-Yeah, see you in ten years, -Ta dah.

[woman narrator] What! That was it? She shaves her head, dresses like a man,

he kidnaps her and then leaves her straight away to go off to war?

That was a Spartan wedding?

Actayon was amazing. I mean, our wedding was perfect in every detail.

It was just perfect.

[woman narrator] Oh, I give up!

I wonder if that nice antique show needs a voice over person.

[narrator] Troublesome 20th century!

When the titanic set sail in 1912,

it was thought to be practically unsinkable.

This might explain why everyone on board was so badly off when disaster struck.

Imagine if the crew had got together to discuss how ill-prepared they were.

Right gentlemen, as you know,

we've got over 2,000 passengers on board the Titanic for this trip

and we're sailing into an area well-known for its icebergs.

So I thought it only prudent to go through a few safety checks.

-How did today's lifeboat drill go? -It was cancelled Captain Smith,

as per your orders.

Good work Murdoch! Who needs a lifeboat drill

when you're on a ship this size? [laughs] I mean surely it's unsinkable, right?

-You'd have thought so, Sir. -Hm, best be on the safe side though.

Have you checked that there are enough lifeboats for everyone on board?

Of course we have, Sir. There aren't.

We've only got 20, not nearly enough for all of our passengers.

-Is that wise? -I don't really know, Sir,

nobody's ever made a ship this big, so regulations don't really cover it.

Oh, only the regulations are regulations even if there aren't any regulations.

And do we know how to use these lifeboats?

No idea, Sir. Most of us haven't had the necessary training.

Oh well, I'm sure it'll be fine anyway.

Wireless operator,

have we received any warnings of any icebergs in the area?

Yes, we've had a number of warnings from other ships.

Ha. Don't suppose there's anything to worry about.

-Probably not, Sir. -Good, who is on the lookout tonight?

-I am, Sir. -And have you got your binoculars?

-No, Sir. -Oh!

Won't you need them when you're manning the searchlight?

There isn't a searchlight.

Just testing, seaman. This is all just precautionary stuff anyway.

I've been at sea 40 years and I've never had a problem.

We might as well increase the ship's speed to maximum.

That way we'll arrive in New York earlier than expected.

Oh, who's the most experienced officer on the bridge?

-Erm, you are, Sir. -I'm off to bed then.

Murdoch, you're in charge, don't worry about a thing.

It's not as if the Titanic's going to sink.

[all laugh]

-Funny. -Right then, I think I deserve a nightcap.

Oh, anyone know where I can get any ice?

Oh, I'm sure some will show up.

The Titanic was meant to be unsinkable,

so there weren't enough safety measures put in place.

And when it did hit an iceberg, well, the result was a tragedy.

1,502 people died and only around 700 survived.

But some of the survivor stories... Well, they're amazing.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ They're funny 'cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪ Hmm, new hairdo, is it? It looks like you've seen a ghost.

Boo! [laughs]

Oh, cheer up, just trying to help you out. Next!

-Name? -Arthur John Priest.

-Occupation? -I worked stoking boilers on ships.

You know, basically shovelling coal into furnaces.

-Any ships I might have heard of? -Well, the Titanic.

Hmm, no, never heard of it. [laughs] I'm kidding, of course I have.

-So you drowned on the Titanic, did you? -No, I survived.

Hmm, but you worked in the engine room, which means you must have been

in the very bowels of the ship when the iceberg hit?

Oh, yes, I was, and I had to make my way up through a maze of gangways

to get onto the top deck.

Once I eventually got there, the lifeboats had almost all gone,

-so I had to dive into the ocean. -Oh, it must have been freezing?

Well, you're not kidding, and 'cos it was so hot in the boiler room,

all I was wearing was shorts and a vest.

A lifeboat did pick me up eventually, but not before I got frostbite.

Listen mate, if you've only lost a couple of tootsies,

you're not gonna impress anyone here, you follow?

So anyway, the Titanic must have put you off ships for good, did it?

No, I later went on to serve on the Alcantara in the First World War.

I think 1916 it was, yes. She sunk in a sea battle.

-And then you drowned? -No, I survived.

Surely that must have put you off sailing?

No, my next ship was the Britannic, which was even bigger than the Titanic.

During the First World War, they used it as a hospital ship.

-Don't tell me that sunk as well. -It certainly did, got hit by a mine.

-And then you drowned? -No, I survived.

You survived the sinking of three ships? Incredible!

Don't tell me, fourth time lucky?

Well, in 1917 I worked on another hospital ship, the Donegal.

-She was hit by a torpedo and sunk. -And then you drowned?

-No, I survived. -What, again? So when did you drown?

I didn't, I died decades later on land, of pneumonia

as it happens, in a nice warm bed.

Heavens above! That's not a stupid death, that's a boring death!

You want the queue next door, can't miss it. It's the long and boring one.

Go on, hop it, you time waster.

Oh, you mean I don't get to go through the... the whatsit?

You don't go through the whatsit.

There's a first for everything.

Honestly, where do they find them?

Not at the bottom of the ocean, that's for sure. [laughs]

Come on.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪

[narrator] Vicious Vikings! -This is our patch. -It's ours.

Your turf ends at waterfall. This land is ours.

Was yours.

Don't push your luck, Radnor, you might not live to regret it.

-We have a claim to this land. -You're disrespecting me?

-So what if I am? -You're disrespecting my whole family.

-So what are you gonna do about it? -There's only one thing we can do.

That's right. We settle this the Viking way.

We settle it the Viking way.

With reasoned discussion and democratic debate.

Agreed. We need to discuss this land dispute in a Viking parliament.

Agreed.

Yeah. Well I'll see you there next Saturday.

-Lovely. -I'll look forward to it.

-How's Pat? -Very well, how's Judith?

-She's wonderful. -Good. Have you lost weight?

Oh, you know, a bit of the old.

Roar!

It's true, we Vikings did discuss disputes

in a Viking parliament, called an Old Thing.

Yes, we were more peaceful than you might think.

[soft guitar music]

♪ We Vikings have an awful reputation With your nation ♪

♪ But when we'd finished Plundering and pillages ♪

♪ Made nice villages ♪

♪ Any place name ending "thorpe" Or "kirk" or "by" was us you see ♪

♪ Scunthorpe, Ormskirk, Wetherby ♪

♪ Scarborough fair, we named them, yeah ♪

♪ We split your isles diagonally ♪

♪ From South East to North West ♪

♪ Our section called the Danelaw ♪

♪ King Alfred ruled the rest ♪

♪ Think we're scary? No, don't flee ♪

♪ Conquered Saxons would find we ♪

♪ Settled and lived in ♪

♪ Harmony ♪

♪ Vike-Eng-Land ♪

♪ Though we began as raiders ♪

♪ So well planned ♪

♪ You accepted us as traders ♪

♪ We introduced some new terms "Husband", "Gasp" ♪

♪ "Egg", "Awkward", "Nag", "Leg" ♪

♪ More than 50 words to leave your lingo ♪

♪ To your liking thank a Viking ♪

♪ Your little town of Swansea City Named for our King Sweyn ♪

♪ Waterford and Dublin ♪

♪ Us old Norse Vikings again ♪

♪ As farmers we made doubly sure ♪

♪ To respect agriculture ♪

♪ With us, locals ♪

♪ Felt secure ♪

♪ Norse-Scot-Land ♪

♪ Large parts of that whole region ♪ ♪ Norse got land ♪

♪ Were improved by Norwegians ♪

♪ London Bridge is falling down ♪

♪ The nursery rhyme comes from our time ♪

♪ Vikings played key roles ♪

♪ In 1014, it was pulled down ♪ ♪ By Olaf Haraldsson ♪

♪ You can call him Ol ♪

♪ In a dispute with King Canute ♪

♪ Olafr's side won ♪

♪ Ethelred returned as King ♪

♪ And could be heard proclaiming ♪

♪ Here's to you Olafr ♪

♪ Haraldsson ♪ ♪ Vike-Eng-Land ♪

♪ We swapped our life of violence ♪

♪ Norse-Scot-Land ♪

♪ To enjoy the sound of silence ♪

♪ There's no doubt under Viking rule ♪

♪ Britain did improv-y ♪

♪ Feelin' groovy ♪

♪ And that's no Lie, la, lie, la, la, lie ♪

[narrator] Terrible Tudors.

In order to get a divorce from his first wife, Catherine of Aragon,

Henry VIII broke away from the Catholic church

and that meant a big change for everyone.

[woman narrator] It's time to say goodbye to your Catholic religion.

The Religious Switchover is coming to England.

From 1534, you'll no longer be able to receive your religious services

from the Pope. Instead you'll have to get them from King Henry VIII,

head of the all new Church of England.

But don't worry, it's easy to convert. There are no forms to fill in.

You can even keep your old Bible.

But if you're a monk, you'll have to hand over everything of any value.

What?

Here's a monk before religious switchover.

And here he is after.

Actually, I think I might take the Bible as well.

Looks like it might be worth something. Yeah.

In fact, the only difference you'll really notice is

the King's now got a lovely new wife.

And I'm quite a lot richer.

As if I wasn't attractive enough already, eh Anne?

Mmm-- [farts]

Oops, sorry about that, had rather a heavy lunch.

[narrator] Yes, switching really is that simple.

Just tick the box that says you accept the supreme authority of the King

and you'll be able to carry on as normal.

But if like Royal Counsellor, Sir Thomas Moore,

you refuse to acknowledge the new powers of the Church of England,

then you can just talk to one of our special advisors

-about the other options available. -[man panicking]

So don't let your head get left behind.

[axe hits surface]

Right, who's next?

The great Religious Switchover is coming, are you ready?

Did you know Anne Boleyn had a bird as her emblem, a white falcon.

Though a headless chicken might have been more appropriate. [laughs]

Sorry. [clears throat]

Anne was executed with one clinical blow from an expert swordsman,

but some Tudor executions, well, they were a lot messier.

[gameshow music playing]

[narrator] Yeah, here we are at the execution

of Mary, Queen of Scots, yeah.

A solemn moment that'll go down in history.

[crowd] Hooray.

Behold, the head of Mary, Queen of--

Uh, oh. Yeah, didn't know she wore a wig.

Yeah, luckily, that's the only time anything embarrassing

happened in an execution.

Well, maybe not the only time.

Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury, do you have any last words?

Yes.

You can't catch me. Oh!

Yeah, talk about running for your life!

He does catch her, but it takes 11 swings of the axe.

Young Henry VIII here demonstrating an early form of the pole vault, yeah.

He was always up to mischief when he was younger.

-Are you sure this is wise, your majesty? -Oh, stop fussing, Wolsey.

Keep filming, you! Right, I'm gonna own this stream.

[narrator] You've got your run up, your dump...

Yeah, and your plummet headfirst into a muddy stream.

Text book! Looks like he missed the other side by two feet. Yeah.

Parting can be such sweet sorrow.

It can be a pain too, especially when you follow the Tudor tradition of

throwing a shoe after the traveller.

Alright love, steady on. It's good luck to throw one shoe, not hundreds. Heh.

Join us after the break when Henry VIII nearly causes

a diplomatic incident by shaving his beard off.

Gorgeous Georgians.

In Georgian times, there were lots of great poets and authors,

like Jane Austen, Lord Byron, and the brilliant Mary Shelley.

Hello, my name's Mary Shelley,

and I have written a book which would make a great movie.

Oh please, don't waste your time.

We had a woman in here called JK Rowling saying the same thing.

We threw her out, she never worked again.

Actually they made them, it's the most successful film series of all time.

I love Lord Voldemort. I said his name!

Okay, maybe we should listen then. Okay, shoot Shelley Mary!

-Mary Shelley. -[all] Whatever.

Right, I was spending the weekend with my soon to be husband at a house in Lake Geneva in Switzerland, as a guest of Lord Byron.

-Uh, oh! Name dropper. -Clang.

I hate name droppers, so does my good friend, Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt!

Well, anyway, a huge volcano had recently erupted

in the Far East, causing freak weather and an ominous darkness across Europe

which was the perfect conditions for telly horror stories.

I got a horror story for you, this meeting.

No, no, no. One night we had a competition to see

who could make up the scariest horror story, and one guest

Mr Polladory, came up with the first vampire story in English.

But my story was even better than his story,

so I called it the Modern Prometheus, or to call it it's more common name, Frankenstein.

You wrote Frankenstein?

-"I am Frankenstein!" -"He's alive!"

You've heard my story?

It has been made into a film already.

-Like about a zillion times. -There's Frankenstein.

-Frankenstein. -Frankenstein.

-Young Frankenstein. -Bride of Frankenstein.

-Count Dracula. -That's the other guy.

Everyone is sick and tired of your monster, Frankenstein.

But my monster isn't called Frankenstein,

that's the doctor's name, Victor Von Frankenstein.

-What's your monster called? -Voldemort. Oh, I said it again!

-Yeah, it's Adam. -Adam?

-Adam the monster? -I'm not scared.

-I'm not scared. -I'm a bit scared.

Would it play as a romcom, Adam the friendly neighbourhood monster?

Girls scream wherever he goes, I'm thinking Justin Bieber.

Justin, Justin!

My book is a serious work of literature, about man playing God,

about the soul, and this new exciting thing called electricity.

You know the problem with your movie.

-A Frankenstein. -It's a flopenstein.

I don't have to put up with this actually. I'm leaving.

You... you're all monsters.

-"You'll never leave this castle." -[growls]

-"She's getting away!" -Don't touch the suit.

Sorry.

[women narrator] Mary Shelley's good friend, the famous poet Lord Byron

was an animal lover, but which of these did have as a pet?

A, a badger. B, an eagle. Or C, a bear.

The answer is...

all three.

Byron also kept peacocks, geese and monkeys as pets.

He was a strange man. Pale, aristocratic,

and interested in dark gothic things.

A bit like a vampire.

[narrator] When danger lurks in a world of darkness,

it's right to be scared of the twilight.

Hello, is there anybody there?

[wolves howling]

I'm looking for the house of the Lord Byron.

Ah, close the curtains. The light, it hurts me.

Lord Byron, you frightened me.

-Good. -[gasps]

Is Lord Byron a creature of the night?

Why, Lord Byron, you've turned into a wolf.

-No, it's an actual wolf. -[gasps]

-He's my pet. -Oh, that's so dangerous.

-He's called Lion. -That's so stupid.

In a time when life is short, can love last forever?

Bite me and make me like you.

-Say it. -I can't.

Say it.

A vampire!

-[dramatic music ends] -A what?

No, no a poet.

But I thought, you know, you're pale, aristocratic,

you drink from skulls, you're a vampire.

No, I'm just a really pretentious poet.

But you said the light hurts you?

It does, it makes me look awful. I mean look, I'm so overweight

I have to wear several waistcoats just to sweat the fat off.

Oh!

You're not exactly an oil painting yourself.

Rude!

[narrator] Twit Light, the dark and mysterious story of Lord Byron.

It's been lovely meeting you,

must do it again sometime, maybe next year.

-Don't wanna stick around for the poetry? -No.

-Yeah. -Warning, some scenes

may contain romantic poetry, crammy.

And let thy gentle fingers fling,

it's melting murmurs o'er mine ear.

[wolves howling]

Everyone's a critic, aren't they?