Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories! ♪

[narrator] Smashing Saxons.

We Saxons believed our Gods were really tough, just like superheroes.

[groans]

[narrator] In an age of darkness.

[groans]

[laughs]

[narrator] A time of Saxon Gods,

[Saxon man 1] Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you prisoner right now?

[groans] Good reason.

[narrator] Only one could unite them to save the day.

-I am Woden, Chief of all the Gods. -Oh okay.

I'm putting a team together.

-You'll only mess it up. -Probably.

-You need someone to save the day. -Definitely.

I'm putting a team together and I'd hate to do it without my pretty wife.

Let's go.

[narrator] Starring Tiw, God of war.

Thunor, God of thunder.

And Frige, God of fertility.

Apart they were worshipped, together, they became legend.

So what's this superhero team called Woden?

We are "Days of the week".

Sorry, what! We're gonna be "Days of the week"?

Yeah you know like, Tiw's day, Woden's day, Thunor's day, Frige's day.

And what are we meant to do exactly?

Nothing really, just look butch for the posters.

Tiw's day.

Woden's day.

Thunor's day.

Frige's day.

And Saturn's day.

Sorry! Do you mind, you're a Roman God, this is Saxon God week

only for Saxons.

Yeah well what about Moon day and Sun day?

Yeah we're a four day week team.

[narrator] Witness the incredible story of how the greatest Gods of the Saxon age

came together to become almost one week. -Weekdays assemble. -Some of.

Some of the weekdays assemble.

[heroic music playing]

It's true. Some Saxon Gods had a day of the week named after them.

But that's nothing! In China, we have a whole year named after us, yeah.

The year of the rat. [laughs]

The Saxons had lots of unusual gods

in fact they believed in all sorts of weird stuff.

[music playing]

-Morning Graham. -Oh hello Keith, how's tricks?

Oh fantastic, bumper crop this year.

Gonna be my best harvest ever I reckon, yours?

Well it's a little bit sparse if I'm honest, not a patch on yours.

Well you know what they say

the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

unless you're me, 'cos that's not. [laughs]

I just don't understand it you know

I've ploughed it, I've watered it, nothing.

You tried charming it?

What you mean like paying it a compliment? Taking it out for a drink?

No, no actually charming it, performing a land ceremonies charm, yeah.

A blessing to make the ground fertile. Turned my farm around.

-Really? -Oh yeah, it's dead simple.

All you do is, dig a hole in every corner of your field.

Well that does sound very simple.

[Keith] Then you take a sample of every grass, herb

and leaf that's growing within the field

and mix it with milk from every cow in your herd.

And that's supposed to make the--

[Keith] And then you add honey from every bee in your hive

mix that with holy water and pour the mixture into the holes

whilst singing an incantation, and then the Lord's prayer.

Our Father who art in heaven.

[Keith] And then take the dug up clumps of earth to the church

and get the priest to sing Mass to each one of them.

And then four crucifixes, write Matthew, Mark, Luke and John on them

place them in the holes, shout, grow! Nine times.

Grow, grow, grow, grow.

-[Keith] Say the Lord's prayer again. -Lord in heaven.

[Keith] Turn east, bow, say another prayer.

Hallowed be thy name.

[Keith] Turn around three times, lie on the ground, do a chant.

Stand up. Bless the plough, bless the seeds, dig a furrow

bake a cake, bless the cake, bury the cake and then bingo,

your field's fertile. Now you do that next time before you sow your seeds.

Seeds, of course, oh!

No wonder my crops weren't growing

I forgot to sow my seeds. What a muppet.

-You're such a numb brain. -Alright.

Right, I'm gonna finish this cake and then get sowing.

I don't suppose you've got a spare slice have you,

I can't remember where I buried mine.

[narrator] Slimy Stuarts.

[woman narrator] The great plague of London in 1665 killed about 100,000 people.

The grimy unsanitary conditions people lived in meant

the plague spread very quickly.

To avoid catching the disease, many rich Londoners fled the city.

[narrator] It's 1665 and historical grimefighters

Lou and Dave have been called to a property in Oxford.

Apparently there's a bit of a smell coming from this property

so Dave and I thought we'd try and track the problem down.

Woo, ho, ho, don't tell me, students?

No Stuarts, Charles II, hi, er, normally I live down in London

but there's this dreadful plague business going on there.

Ruining my parties, so I moved the royal court up here to Oxford.

Come on in, loving the outfits by the way.

[Lou] Oh thanks very much. Oh, don't bring that in mate.

Leave it out there.

[indistinct chattering, laughing]

Oh, would you look at this Dave, absolutely disgusting.

They're dropping food all over the place.

Talk about the stinking rich, this one hasn't had a bath in weeks.

Well baths are actually very bad for you, so.

-Says who? -Says my doctor.

Hello, I'm the Senior physician to the King

and I can confirm it's a well-known scientific fact.

[coughs] Bathing relaxes the muscles and er, it makes you dizzy

-and that is how you catch the Plague. -No it isn't, that's nonsense. Well I'm not taking any risks, that's why I've stopped having baths

I've, taken up smoking. And I'm wearing a dead toad around my neck.

Disgusting.

[laughing]

Dave and I...

That's human. Right, seriously, who's been dumping in the chimney place?

Well it certainly wasn't me, I use that corner.

Oh that's rank,

-at least I use the coal house. -The coal house?

Well it beats queuing up for the study, that's where everyone else goes.

Right that's it, everybody out.

Oh come on, don't be such a party pooper.

It's you who's the party pooper mate

leaving your little presents all over the place

I mean honestly, don't you know anything.

Being this unhygienic will only help spread the Plague.

-It doesn't matter anyway. -What do you mean, it doesn't matter?

We're moving back to London soon.

Come on everyone, party back at the Palace, yeah!

[cheering]

Oh, not you Dave.

Alright er, you're just gonna walk out and leave all your little piles of poo

for everyone else to clean up are you?

-Yeah. -You're an animal mate.

A party animal. [laughs]

Right come on then Dave

you best stop your nattering get your pooper scooper out and get going.

Dirty rotten Stuarts.

[narrator] Groovy Greeks.

[narrator] HH games presents. Ultimate city defender.

The Greek world faces a new threat.

Your mission is to save the ancient Greek colony of Syracuse from the up and coming power in the region known as, the Romans.

Remember the name, we're going to be big.

[game v/o] Select defender. Old man selected.

Good choice, I'm not just any old man, I'm Archimedes.

Greek mathematician and inventor.

"Brains not brawn", I always say. [laughs]

Let's see what you've got old man. [laughs] [game v/o] Select weapon. Giant mirror selected.

A mirror, what are you gonna do with that?

Scare me with my own reflection?

[game v/o] Round one, begin battle.

It's my new invention. The burning mirrors of Archimedes.

They reflect the rays of the hot Mediterranean sun

and focus them onto the sails of the Roman ships.

Oh right, that's what you're gonna do with it.

Brains one, brawn nil. [laughs]

[game v/o] Round two.

Let's see what else you've got old man.

[game v/o] Select weapon. Giant crane selected.

A giant crane, how bad can that be? [laughs]

[Archimedes] I've come up with a sort of huge crane device

-to deal with enemy ships. -[groans]

I don't like to make a big deal about inventing it

so I've just called it, "The Claw of Archimedes". [laughs]

[game v/o] Congratulations. City defended.

-Yeah. Well we'll be back again. -Whatever.

[game v/o] Game over.

Have I told you about a device for moving water up into irrigation ditches?

-It's called "The Archimedes screw". -[game v/o] No really, game over.

I'll give you three guesses who invented it? [laughs]

It was me.

The Romans did eventually manage to get into Syracuse

and Archimedes was killed whilst working on a maths problem.

Roman plus sword equals death.

And here's the story of another famous Greek who came to a sticky end. [laughs]

-People of Delphi, I am Aesop. -[Greek man 1] Who?

-Aesop, famous fables writer. -[Greek man 2] No never heard of you.

What you've not heard the story about the hare and the tortoise?

The one with the race where tortoise ends up beating the hare about how speed is not always best?

-Not interested. -Alright anyway

I Aesop, famous fables writer, have been tasked by King Croesus

with distributing money to you, the people of Delphi

oh you're interested now isn't you.

Alright, no need to rush.

Remember the story of the hare and the tortoise.

Now that's snatching and you've had some.

-No I haven't? -Liar, don't you know

my story about the boy who cried wolf?

-Never heard of it. -It's a moral tale about

how liars get their just desserts. Come on!

Form an orderly queue. No you've definitely had some.

-No, I'm my identical twin brother. -Really?

Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan of all your work Aesop

loved that one about the boy and the tortoise with the fish

and I wanna say grasshopper?

Nice try, you obviously haven't heard my story about the fox and the crow?

It's a moral tale about never trusting flatterers.

-[scoffs] -Honestly behave you lot

you've obviously not heard my story about the goose with the golden egg

it's a moral tale about greed.

No more money, you don't deserve it, you're all too greedy.

Have you ever heard the story

-about the fable writer and the cliff? -No it doesn't sound like one of mine

mine usually feature creatures of some sort.

It's a story about a highly annoying fable writer

who gets thrown off a cliff by an angry mob.

It's a moral tale about not annoying an angry mob.

No I, don't--

You remember my story about the goose with the golden egg.

According to Greek historian, Herodotus

the people of Delphi threw Aesop off a cliff

but soon afterwards a plague hit Delphi.

So the moral of this tale actually turned out to be

don't throw a fable writer off a cliff. [laughs]

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

In Victorian times we had some odd ideas

about how to look your best, good day.

[music playing]

Oh my gosh Alexandra, you look really nice.

-Shut up. -No you do

you look really pale and pasty, is it natural?

-Lillian you're bang out of order. -Admit it, you must use fake no tan?

Well to be totally honest with you

from time to time I do top up my whiteness with some zinc oxide.

Shut up.

And I'll let you into another secret. These veins on the side of my forehead.

-Yeah. -Painted on with a brush.

-Shut up. -I know babe, amazing isn't it?

-They make my skin even paler. -Almost see-through?

Yeah babe.

Oh don't look now, Gertie's on her way.

That is well awkward, you know she's been courting that Lord Pelpera.

-I know babe, its bang out of order. -She knows I'm after him, he gets me.

They even went on a walk at the weekend without a chaperone.

-No. -She was showing an ankle.

-Oh shut up. -Oh watch out here she comes.

-Hello babe, you alright? -Huh! Oh my gosh!

Gertie, what happened to your face?

-You look well orange. -100%.

It's so embarrassing, I went for a walk in the sun and forgot my parasol.

Now just look at me.

-Suntan. -So vulgar.

You look well common babe.

Like you've been working outdoors.

I know, sobs.

You better shut yourself in a dark room until that tan goes away.

-[Gertie] Oh! [crying] -[Lilian laughs]

Oh my God, so funny.

It's so funny.

-Right let's have a drink to celebrate. -Cheers.

Ergh, ergh it tastes like vinegar.

Oh that's because it is vinegar. It makes your skin even paler.

So random.

It's true, posh Victorians used to frown on anyone with a suntan.

It was a sign of being a poor person who had to work outdoors. Hm.

I've got a great sun block. It's called fur.

Yes in Victorian times people liked to be properly covered

even when on the beach.

[music playing]

[narrator] It's 9am and the gentleman of the Victorian Beach Patrol

are ready for action.

And they won't have to wait long as Victorian bathing costumes

are extremely cumbersome and difficult to swim in.

Oh, oh, what's this? Someone's in trouble.

A cry for help and the men of the Victorian Beach Patrol spring into action.

A quick change into their streamline rescue clothes

is the first stage of the rescue.

The amazing Victorian Beach Patrol can get changed in a matter minutes.

25 minutes that is.

Now, appropriately dressed in their woolly Victorian swimwear

the Victorian Beach Patrol are ready to roll.

Roll their bathing box into the water of course.

It wouldn't be seemly just to walk into the sea.

What's this, it looks like the struggling swimmer

has managed to make it to the shore!

And the good news is, he looks healthy and full of life.

It looks like another success for the men of the Victorian Beach Patrol.

[narrator] Troublesome 20th Century.

The 1960's were groovy baby and one of the grooviest things to happen

and was in 1969 when man landed on the moon.

It was far out, really far out.

[music playing]

Hi, I'm Neil Armstrong and I'm here to tell you

the secret behind my remarkable weight loss.

It's being on the moon.

I went from being the weight of a normal man to weighing virtually nothing.

And now you can too.

[Neil] All you need to do is follow my unique Apollo 11 weight loss programme.

Here's me before landing on the moon, and here's me after.

An amazing 83% lighter.

Here's how it works.

The gravity on the moon is much less than the gravity on the earth.

Which means that when you walk on the moon you feel far, far lighter.

You'll be able to bound around like an overexcited kangaroo. Woo.

Here's what you'll need. A rocket, just like mine, The Saturn V.

It needs to be taller than a 36 storey building

and weigh about the same as 400 elephants.

When you first arrive on the surface of the moon

make sure you're the first person out of the lunar module.

If you're the first man on the moon, everyone will remember your name.

Take this guy, he came out second and his name is... it's gone.

Buzz, Buzz Aldrin.

-His name is Bass Alldrain. -Buzz Aldrin.

You see what I mean.

You also need something cool to say when you first walk on the moon.

I'd recommend something like this.

[Neil] That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Shouldn't it be, that's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind?

Well when you're the first man to walk on the moon, maybe you could try that.

Oh sorry my mistake, I was the first man on the moon, Bass.

Buzz.

And don't forget to plant your American flag. That'll really annoy the Ruskies.

Try my Apollo 11 weight loss programme.

-It's mine too. -It's not rocket science.

Technically it is.

-Who asked you Bass. -Buzz, Buzz, Buzz!

-Is there a wasp in there with you? -What?

He hates it when I say that.

[woman narrator] True or false.

The astronaut Alan Shepard Jr

delayed the launch of his space flight to go to the loo.

The answer is...

false.

They couldn’t delay the take-off so he weed in his space suit instead!

In the 1950's, landing on the moon had seemed impossible.

But then so had the struggle for black Americans to be treated equally.

It took a very brave woman to do something about that.

[music playing]

♪ I'm Rosa Parks ♪

♪ My story marks ♪

♪ The first step towards civil rights ♪

♪ Racial inequality, American policy ♪

♪ Til I kicked off a fight ♪

♪ What act of mine left havoc to ensue? ♪

♪ How come I caused such fuss? ♪

♪ What shocking behaviour did I do? ♪

♪ We-e-e-e-ll ♪

♪ I sat on a bus ♪

♪ -You sat on a bus? -I sat on a bus ♪

♪ You sat on a bus? ♪

♪ You wanna know why? ♪

♪ Go ahead tell us ♪

♪ -I sat on that bus -You sat on the bus ♪

♪ In the 50's all buses divided ♪

♪ Whites in front, black behind ♪

♪ You serious? ♪

♪ If the bus filled up ♪

We had to give up our seats or We'd be fined ♪

♪ That's Ludi-cruss ♪

♪ I made a stand in my hometown ♪

♪ Montgomery, Alabama ♪

♪ That's danger-uss ♪

♪ Refused to stand for a white man ♪

♪ So they put me in the slammer ♪

♪ Discourte-uss! ♪

♪ December five, 1955 My trial notorious ♪

♪ Black people stood side by side ♪

♪ And no-o-o-o-o one! ♪

♪ Got on the bus ♪

♪ We stayed off the bus ♪

♪ -They stayed off the bus -We stayed off the bus ♪

♪ I meant busin-uss! ♪

♪ -She inspired us! -So they stayed off the bus ♪

♪ We stayed off the bus ♪

♪ We organised a boycott Of public transportation ♪

♪ To win R E S P E C T And force new legislation ♪

♪ Dreamed of the day The USA had no implementation ♪

♪ Of S E G R E G A T I O N ♪

♪ Spells segregation ♪

♪ From that day on we walked or cabbed ♪

♪ Led by Martin Luther King ♪

♪ Attacked by mobs, our houses bombed ♪

♪ Though peace was our thing ♪

♪ Our plight, it made the national news ♪

♪ Which was mighty strange ♪

♪ Mysteri-uss ♪

♪ When word reached the President ♪

♪ He had to make a change ♪

♪ Deliri-uss ♪

♪ One year on we'd finally won ♪

♪ A victory momen-tuss ♪

♪ The fight for national Civil Rights was begun ♪

♪ 'Cause I sat on a bus ♪

♪ -She sat on a bus -I sat on a bus ♪

♪ She sat on a bus ♪

♪ I sat on a bus ♪

♪ Got on the bus ♪

♪ -I sat on a bus -She sat on a bus ♪

♪ -I sat, I sat, I sat, I sat on the bus -Our story owes a ♪

♪ Huge debt to Rosa ♪

♪ -I sat, I sat, I sat on the bus -We all agree ♪

♪ -I sat on that bus -She made history ♪

♪ She sat on the bus ♪

♪ For all of us ♪

♪ -I sat on that bus -She sat on the bus ♪

♪ -I sat on the bus. Yeah! -She sat on the bus ♪

♪ -I sat on the bus -On the bus ♪

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

[Rose] Just come back safe darling, that's all I ask.

Alas that is a promise I cannot make my sweet Rose.

But I will fight bravely for you and think of you

every time I viciously hack an enemy soldier to pieces.

Huh, darling you say the sweetest things.

Rose, as a sign of my devotion to you

I shall not open this eye that you have kissed until the battle is won.

Oh! That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

[music playing]

Right well, you understand this places me in quite a tricky situation.

To battle.

[battle horn playing]

-Oh, oh. -Oh, erm, my love?

No it's fine.

Next time, how about just a nice peck on the cheek, huh? [laughs]

-Take care sweetheart. -Oh!

[knight] It's alright, I'm okay.

There really was a Knight who went to battle with one eye closed

after it had been kissed by a lady.

Going off to fight often meant leaving England

and one man who was more than happy to do that was Richard I.

[narrator] And you join us here for the climax

of today's historic Coronation ceremony

which sees Richard Plantagenet crowned, King Richard I of England.

I hereby appoint you King Richard I, Ruler of the English.

[music playing]

Bonne, merci beaucoup,

merci le Bishop. I go home to France now, I leave this dump.

Dump your Majesty? Well we've just had the roof done.

Oh no, no, no not the Abbey, the country.

I cannot stand England, it's so cold and it's always raining.

And don't get me started on London

honestly I would sell it if I could find a buyer, who wants to buy London

although I should warn you it's in England. Ergh.

But Sire, you're the King of England.

Oui, oui and I love my loyal English subjects.

Every last taxpaying one of them. Come on cough up.

But the place itself, well let's just say it's no South of France.

You mean you only wanted England for the taxes?

And the wonderful food. [laughs]

I'm joking of course.

I'm in it for the money, you too Bishop let's see it

fighting these Crusades isn't cheap you know.

Which reminds me - I should be off to the Holy Land soon.

Who put a button in the collection plate, that's cheating?

This is for a good cause you know.

But if you're off crusading, who will tend to our affairs?

Don't worry, I will leave a suitable deputy in my place. Mother!

Oui.

I need you to look after England for a tiny little bit while I got off crusading.

Without me? But what will my baby boy do without his mamma.

I think I'll manage somehow.

Oh, and I've knitted a scarf for you.

It's in the Middle East.

-Oh and I have some nice warm milk. -Mamma I'm 31.

You stop, stop. You have some dirt on your face.

No, no mamma.

Oh hah, hah. You're so embarrassing.

King Richard I is perhaps better known as Richard the Lionheart.

So called because he was a great warrior and military leader

and not because he actually had the heart of a lion.

Though that would have been cool though wouldn't it? Eh, eh, eh!

[narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

Hi, I'm Johnny Toughnut

and I'm here to teach you how to survive in a hostile environment.

[music playing]

This week we've come to Georgian England

where in the towns and cities trouble lurks round every corner. Let's go.

I'm with posh Georgian, Lord Posh. Tell me how posh are you?

I'm so posh I'm making George look common.

Oh that is quite posh.

[laughs] Oh! Right we're under fire, take cover, move, move.

Argh, someone's just thrown a dead cat at you.

Who's throwing dead cats at me? I shall have you flogged.

Eh, right we need to stay calm and take control of the situation.

-Oh! -They threw a dead dog at me.

Right we need to get you indoors, move, move, move.

In all my years of military training

well the two months I done before I got chucked out

I've never seen anything like it.

Georgian aristocrats only need to go outside to have unpleasant stuff

chucked at them by poor people.

Hm, for some reason poor people don't like us. I can't think why, the filthy scum.

-[glass shattering] -Oh!

[Johnny] First rule of living in a hostile environment, avoid detection. Right...

I'm must gonna check for poor people.

The coast is clear, time to move, we cross the road in three, two, one.

Go, go, go, go.

Some nasty urchin's just nailed my jacket to this barrel.

Oh! I shall have you flogged, you see if I don't.

This is proving to be a tough challenge, there's only one thing for it.

To get around town safely

Lord Posh is gonna need to get into a securer vehicle.

And here it is. Curtains so they can't see you inside, it's perfect.

-You'll be safer in here Posh. -I can't possibly travel around in that.

-My wig's far too big for it. -Well why don't you just take it off?

-What and look ridiculous. No thanks. -Oh, not me, I'm not posh.

Next week I'll be in the Viking era where I'll be showing women

how to stop a fight between feuding Vikings by chucking clothes on them.

Right, take it away boys, let's go, go, go.

Mind that horse.

Poor people really did throw dead dogs and dead cats at rich people.

Huh, it's raining cats and dogs, oh, literally. [laughs]

Although there were far more serious criminals at work in Georgian times.

[music playing]

[Georgian man] A fine mess we've got here and no mistake Dr. Motson.

Fear not your grace, my friend is the greatest detective in London

his powers of reason and deduction are second to none.

True enough Dr. Motson and he has been worth every penny we

and the government have paid him

but I fear this crime maybe beyond even the skills of Jonathan Wilde.

Greetings gentleman, shall we go to lunch.

For goodness sake Wilde there's a crime to be solved.

-Is the usual £40 fee available? -Oh course Wilde.

In which case he's cowering in that very cupboard.

But Wilde, how could you have known?

No one was seen leaving the building so the thief had to still be inside.

The thief had emptied all the drawers but the cupboard was closed.

Brilliant, you made a mistake when you crossed swords with Jonathan Wilde

[Motson] Thief Taker General.

Well I might not even when I let him tell me where to hide.

It was him what planned the whole robbery.

Then why on earth would he tell us where you were hiding?

-I believe you owe me £40 your Grace. -Of course Wilde.

Can't you see he's ripping you off.

He's running every criminal in London then turning them in and collecting the reward.

Us thieves are all too scared to say anything

because he'll have us arrested and then collect another reward.

Do you take me for an idiot? Take him away.

Goodbye Sid, or whatever your name is.

Since you've became Thief Taker General

we've caught more criminals than ever before.

True enough, but I think we can do better.

We need a higher fee for catching them. Say £140 instead of just £40.

Done.

In fact using my powers of deduction I believe I can catch a few more.

Pat's under the desk, Mickey's hiding behind the bookshelf

and Dave is robbing someone in the street. Or he will be in a minute. I'm guessing about the names.

-[screaming] -Yes, brilliant Wilde.

It's almost as if you knew where they were hiding all along.

Three more finder's fees your Grace, at the higher rate.

Come Motson, the game is afoot

someone's about to attempt to steal the Crown Jewels.

-Who Wilde? -I don't know, I haven't hired him yet.

The money is waiting Wilde. Oh, Oh goodness, my wallet's gone.

I assume there's a finder's fee?

Oh. Wilde.