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♪ Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,080
♪ Slimy Stuarts,
Vile Victorians
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00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:06,240
♪ Woeful wars,
Ferocious fights
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00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,480
♪ Dingy castles,
Daring knights
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00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:11,200
♪ Horrors that defy description,
Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,320
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes,
Punishment from ancient times!
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00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,960
♪ Roman, rotten,
rank and ruthless
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00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:15,880
♪ Cavemen, savage,
fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,440
♪ Groovy Greeks,
Brainy sages
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00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:18,760
♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,200
♪ Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,960
♪ And your host a talking rat
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00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,200
♪ The past is no longer
a mystery
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00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:31,600
♪ Welcome to
Horrible Histories ♪
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00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,320
[MAN READING]
16
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,480
Once upon a time a loving king
married a beautiful queen,
17
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:42,600
and they lived happily
ever after.
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00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,880
Unfortunately this isn't
that story.
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00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,840
It's the story of Philip II
of Spain and Mary I of England.
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00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,680
[MAN READING]
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00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,600
Mm, if I marry
the Queen of England,
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00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,400
I'll rule the two greatest
powers in the world,
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00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,280
the Spain and England.
24
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,360
Great plan, Sir.
Though I should warn you
25
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,240
I have seen the Queen of England
in an oil painting,
26
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,680
and she's no oil painting.
27
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,760
I don't care what she looks like
It's the power I am after.
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00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,280
Oh, aren't I bad!
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00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,600
[MAN READING]
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00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,880
We are gathered here today
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00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,200
to join this Queen and this King
in holy matrimony.
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Oh, happy day.
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00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,120
[MAN READING]
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00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:33,560
Time out.
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00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,320
Your Majesty, remember the plan!
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00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,000
If you marry Mary, you could be
the most powerful man
in the world.
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00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,200
But look at the state of her!
Hang on.
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00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,840
I suppose I could marry her
then run back to Spain,
39
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,360
then I'd have all the power
and never have to see her again.
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00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,640
Ooh, I'm so bad!
Go on, you can boo if you like.
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00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,640
Right, I'm back.
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I now pronounce you man and wife
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00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,000
How about a kiss?
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00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:11,560
Why not?
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I'm off.
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00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,880
[MAN READING]
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00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,200
Has anyone got any matches?
I fancy burning some Protestants
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00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,480
[MAN READING]
49
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:27,920
All right, how's it going?
50
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,440
Oh, my life,
is that the time? Later.
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00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,680
[MAN READING]
52
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,440
[MAN READING]
53
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,080
Sir, your wife is dead.
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00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,040
Oh, that is a weight off.
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00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,760
Seriously, shall we have
a party?
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00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,280
It's too soon. Ooh! I can go to
England now and claim
the kingdom.
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00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,880
There is a slight problem
with that you see,
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00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,600
Because you'd hardly ever
been there, and your catholic
and your foreign
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00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,200
they decided to give the crown
to your wife's sister.
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00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,600
Oh, the cheek of it.
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00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,560
[MAN READING]
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00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,120
If I marry the new Queen
of England,
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00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,960
I'll rule the two greatest
powers in the world.
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00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,800
Spain and England
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00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,480
Ooh! Aren't I bad?
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00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,000
[MAN READING]
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00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,160
Philip did propose marriage
to Mary's half sister
Queen Elizabeth I,
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00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,080
but she turned him down.
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00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:32,920
I'm not sure he would have
found her that much
more attractive.
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00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,720
As a famous monarch I'm always
being asked
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00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,600
how I keep my teeth looking
so bright, white and healthy.
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00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,320
Truly, you have the most
beautiful teeth in the land,
your majesty.
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00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,720
I know. And it's thanks to all
new Tudor Sugar-Paste
tooth paste.
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00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,720
ANNOUNCER: The sugary paste
in all new Tudor Sugar Paste
tooth paste
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00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,320
is made up of sugar in a paste.
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00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,720
Just rub the sugary paste
all over your teeth and gums
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00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,760
and watch all that sugary
goodness get to work.
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00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,320
Yes, use all new Tudor
Sugar-Paste toothpaste
on your teeth
79
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,520
and you too could have teeth
just like Queen Elizabeth's!
80
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,560
And the best thing is, sugar
is so expensive in Tudor times,
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00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,520
that only posh people
can afford it.
82
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,360
Plus, buy all-new Tudor
Sugar-Paste toothpaste now
83
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,040
and get this sugar mouth wash
absolutely free.
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00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,400
For sugary rotten teeth that say
"I'm stinking rich."
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00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:22,880
I'm stinking rich.
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00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,360
[MAN READING]
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00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,240
Argh! When you spend months at
sea like us pirates,
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00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,000
you can't be too picky
about what you eat now.
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00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,880
Four eager chefs,
four historical eras.
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00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,320
But just one prize. Who will be
crowned Historical Master Chef?
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00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,680
I like eating nice food.
92
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,080
And so do I. Ha ha ha!
93
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,400
One-eyed Bart became ships cook
on board pirate vessel,
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00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,680
the Black Pigafter
he lost his arm.
95
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,120
He could no longer climb
the rigging or fight in battles
96
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,880
I like to think of it as not
so much lose in a hand
as gain in a utensil.
97
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,080
Ha ha haaa!
98
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,640
Lost it to a cutlass, so I did.
What about your eye?
99
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,200
Oh, no, that was my fault.
I got an inch in it and forgot
about the hand.
100
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,160
Ha ha ha ha!
101
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,160
For his first course, Bart has
prepared a traditional
pirate soup.
102
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,160
Well, the no-frills presentation
is certainly original.
103
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,200
What sort of meat is it exactly?
104
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,040
It's turtle.
105
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,520
Can't eat turtle!
Oh, sure you can, man.
106
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,360
They're the best type of food
for a long voyage.
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00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,560
You flip them on to their backs
so they can't, you know,
scamper away
108
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,880
and then you got all the
fresh meat you want.
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00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,240
But, aren't they endangered?
110
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:49,200
They are when I'm around.
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00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,640
For his main course, Bart has
prepared a spicy pirate stew.
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00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,120
It's called salmagundi.
Dig in, fellas, dig in.
113
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,400
Unusual taste combination.
What's in it?
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00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,920
You got your pork, chicken,
duck, pigeon,
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00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,720
er, your whale,
your seagull, your dolphin.
116
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:14,760
I wondered where he'd got to.
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00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,120
Yeah, we just keep the stew
boiling away throughout
the voyage,
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00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,720
and throw in any meat
we lay our hands on.
119
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:26,360
Do you mean to tell me
that some of the meat in there,
120
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,440
has been stewing away for weeks?
No, no. Months.
121
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,560
John, get me some water
to get the taste out.
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00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,080
Can we get some water please?
123
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,040
[TRICKLING OF WATER]
What are you doing?
124
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,920
Bart, what are you doing?
Oh, that's happened.
125
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:42,200
Well, when you run out of water
aboard a pirate ship,
it's drink wee or die!
126
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,880
Mind you, some of my shipmates
drank wee and died.
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00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,800
And some went mad. Hurrgh!
Not me though, no.
128
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:48,160
I'm not going to
drink your wee, mate.
129
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,120
Does this mean
I've not got through?
130
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,280
Bart, not in a million,
billion years have you got...
131
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,280
Congratulations, you are through
to the next round.
Well done, mate.
132
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,160
That's wonderful news!
133
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,240
Cheers! Mm...
134
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,600
[HE GROANS]
135
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,760
Tchuh! You'd have to be
pretty hungry to eat a rat. Ow!
136
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,880
Unless, of course... ow!
you were a flee... ow!
Stop it Marcus.
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00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,440
As well as some strange
eating habits,
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00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,160
pirates had some
truly bizarre superstitions.
139
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,280
Ow! Enough already! Huh!
140
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,200
Pirate weather forecast
with Captain Saltybeard.
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00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,760
Ahoy my hearties, and welcome to
the pirate weather forecast,
142
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,040
predicting the weather using
the very latest
pirate superstitions.
143
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,000
Arrr! Now a black cat
was seen on a boat today,
144
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,080
so tomorrow should be
dry and sunny.
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00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,200
Unless some scurvy land-lubbing
knave has thrown that black cat
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00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,480
out of the ship, in which case
there will be wind and rain.
147
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,040
Though not if you can see
an albatross!
148
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:57,920
Because if you can,
it'll be lovely and sunny.
149
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:01,920
Unless some weevil-eyed bilge
for brain shoots that albatross
out of the sky!
150
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,240
As that'll cause
thunder and lightning,
151
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,560
and a storm of hail stones,
which could make for a
bit of a rough voyage.
152
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,960
You'll be as sick as a parrot!
As was my parrot.
153
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,560
Looking ahead for
the rest of the week,
154
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,800
if you're sailing on Friday,
155
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,080
Don't! That's unlucky,
it's when evil witches gather!
156
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,640
And remember,
if you're out on the high seas,
157
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,400
then do please watch out
for pirates.
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00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,520
Cos we're coming to get ya!
Good night.
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00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,920
[MAN READING]
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00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,640
Some of the things poor
Victorians did for money,
161
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,640
were pretty horrible
to say the least. Good day.
162
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,920
MUSIC: EASTENDERS THEME
163
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,800
Oh! You're home early,
how was your day at work?
164
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:51,880
Yeah, not bad, Mummy.
Mustn't grumble,
mustn't grumble.
165
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,240
It certainly smells like
you collected enough dog poo for
the leather tanner
166
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,640
Yeah, and then the boss told me
to stir all the poo in the tub.
167
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,000
Oh, you're moving up
in the world darling
168
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,720
Before you know it,
he'll be paying you as well.
169
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:10,160
Cor, imagine! Hello kids!
Oh, there she is! Come here, you
170
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,560
Father, really! I've only just
washed this outfit today.
171
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,480
All right, sorry. Though tonight
we have something to celebrate.
172
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,680
Feast your mince pies on this.
173
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,200
It's a handful of poo.
174
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,600
Well, yeah. But look closer
175
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,680
Wow, a penny!
Oh, ain't you clever
176
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,880
Your old man has been
out tossing
177
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:39,320
There I was traipsing my way
through mile after miles
of poo filled sewer
178
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,680
looking for coins, dropped
by the posh people of London,
179
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,720
when suddenly there it was,
glinting away at me
in the darkness.
180
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,000
Woah! Well, after that hard
day's work, what you both need
181
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,240
is a nice hot bath.
182
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,720
Oh, that's what I love about you
is your sense of humour
183
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,280
As if we have hot water.
Or a bath. Ha ha ha!
184
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,880
Oh, and that's not the only
good news.
185
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,240
I've only gone and got myself
an evening job,
as a night soilman.
186
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,280
Cor! From now on, your old man's
going to spend his evenings
187
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,600
collecting buckets of poo from
other people's outside lavvies.
188
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,760
Oh, and to think my father told
me not to marry you,
189
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:20,520
cos he said, you'd never
amount to anything!
190
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,720
Come here.
[BABY CRIES]
191
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:24,520
Oh, hey up.
192
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,120
Think her nappy needs changing.
I think it must be your turn.
193
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,920
No, no way. That is disgusting.
194
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:39,040
The practice of toshing for
coins was only possible
after 1865.
195
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,760
When Joseph Bazalgette
invented the London
sewer system,
196
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,440
or as I like to call it, home.
197
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,800
Before then, living conditions
were even more unhealthy.
198
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,240
Fortunately Victorian medicine
was highly sophisticated.
199
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:52,800
Yeah, right!
200
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,560
Don't worry, Jenny.
I've called an ambulance,
201
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,400
they'll be here any minute.
202
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,280
Make way, make way, make way!
Historical paramedics.
203
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:06,040
You're paramedics? Even better.
We're historical paramedics.
204
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,760
All the way from Victorian
England. God save the Queen!
God save the Queen!
205
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:10,800
Now what appears
to be the ailment?
206
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,520
It's my sister,
we were coming back from town
207
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,640
and she has these
terrible stomach pains.
208
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,320
Are you thinking what
I'm thinking
209
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,920
That top hats are fabulous?
No. They are.
210
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,520
I'm thinking that this lady
has tapeworm.
211
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,920
I concur. Nigel, fetch me our
sharpest blade.
212
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,760
You need to operate? No.
I simply need to cut up
this bacon,
213
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,160
and fry it in close proximity
to the patient.
214
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,480
The smell of the bacon should
tempt the tapeworm out of
her stomach.
215
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,000
because it wants to eat the
bacon, thus curing the patient.
216
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,360
And, does this bacon
cure work? Infrequently.
217
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,680
How infrequently? Never.
Jeff, look!
218
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,720
She has some inflammation
on her throat. Looks like
a boil. I concur.
219
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,560
Nigel, apply the warm porridge.
It's not a boil. She's always
had that.
220
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,840
A wart, then.
Nigel, this lady, this women,
221
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,760
is riddled with warts.
Bury some string in the
ground immediately.
222
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,360
It's not a wart,
it's a birth mark. Is it?
223
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,640
Hang on, I hear wheezing
and congestion.
224
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,880
She's got a cold.
BOTH: A cold?
225
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,360
Nigel, fetch me a sock. A sock?
226
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,800
Don't worry, sir. A sweaty sock
tied about the throat
227
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,480
is thought to be the best cure
for even the most persistent
of colds.
228
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,120
And that one is really sweaty.
229
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,760
I only change them once a week
in case their needed.
230
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,040
Sugar...
231
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,120
sugar and... is an excellent
cure for a cough.
232
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,440
Mixed, of course,
with beer, rum and vinegar.
233
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:28,720
Open up. Get it down you, girl.
In there.
234
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,840
What about the stomach pains?
SHOUTS: Does your tummy
still hurt?
235
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,200
Oh, looks like ear ache.
Nigel, fetch me a potato.
236
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,920
What potato?
237
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,080
The topical application of a
potato makes an excellent cure
for ear ache.
238
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,480
There we are, right as rain.
239
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,160
No need to thank us, sir.
Your smile is thanks enough.
240
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,560
SIREN WAILS
That sounds like a
proper ambulance!
241
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,280
Soon they will be upon us,
we must flee this place.
242
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,840
Run away. Run away. Run away!
243
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:51,560
Hop away!
244
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,000
Those historical ones
have been here again.
245
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,000
Jane! Bring some sponges.
246
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,000
Oh, and maybe a pan.
I think there's some
bacon going.
247
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,880
[MAN READING]
248
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,600
ANNOUNCER: This is Stone Age
Dragon's Den.
249
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,360
It's about 1.5 million years ago
250
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,960
and an early homo sapien thinks
his amazing new invention,
251
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:16,880
might interest the Dragons.
252
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,760
Hello Dragon, me name Ugg.
253
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,880
Me present this.
254
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,320
Oh, not again. How many times...
255
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,080
we already have stone,
it's Stone Age. Me out.
256
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,760
Me out. No, no, wait.
257
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,040
Looky, watch.
258
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,880
Ugg's running out of time to try
and impress the Dragons.
259
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,560
Can his new use of stone
win them over?
260
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:47,080
Heh, heh... me call it fire.
261
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,680
Oh. Fire! Fire!
262
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,840
ALL: Fire!
263
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,320
It looks like the Dragons
have declared themselves out.
264
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,960
Aaahh!
265
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,480
Oh, me invent burnt finger.
266
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:08,720
What we call the Stone Age
actually covers lots of
different sub eras
267
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,080
There's the Palaeolithic,
the Mesolithic, the Neolithic.
268
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,600
It's really quite complicated,
what's the best way of
explaining it?
269
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:16,920
Oh, I know, a song!
270
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,560
♪ I'm sure you've heard
the Stone Age occurred
271
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,560
♪ For 2.5 million years
272
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,160
♪ But there's more of Stone Age
to engage
273
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,440
♪ Than maybe it first appears
274
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,560
♪ Dinosaurs, Neanderthals,
let's make this clearer
275
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,520
♪ Didn't live together,
came from different eras
276
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,120
♪ That's not all I can tell ya
so much more to be known
277
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:44,120
♪ About the many phases
in the ages of Stone
278
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,520
♪ Shooby dooby do wah,
it's all the rage
279
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,880
♪ To skiddly-bup do wah
Brush up on you Stone Age,
oh, yeah
280
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,840
♪ All right
281
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,160
♪ It's fine to define
an era Palaeolithic
282
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,120
♪ But you're gonna have to be
a little more specific
283
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,040
♪ Do you mean lower
when ancient beings
first used tools
284
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,920
♪ Or Middle Palaeolithic
when Neanderthal ruled
285
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,040
♪ That's when homo sapien
starts to emerge
286
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,840
♪ But just in Africa,
it's long before the
global surge
287
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,800
♪ Not till Upper Palaeolithic
40,000 years ago
288
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,640
♪ Did Neanderthal and
homo sapiens, say hello
289
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,440
♪ The Neanderthal and homo sapi
290
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,640
♪ Living in cave man harmony
291
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,840
♪ Language was invented,
cave painting art
292
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,560
♪ Then Palaeolithic ended
which meant the start
293
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,600
♪ Of phase two-be-doobu-do-wop
Turn a new page
294
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,920
♪ Skiddly bup doo wah
Bug up on the Stone Age
295
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,480
♪ Oh yeah, all right
296
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,760
♪ This is where it starts to get
all scientific
297
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,400
♪ Palaeolithic's followed by
the era Mesolithic
298
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,440
♪ Then Neanderthals
are wiped out
299
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,640
♪ After which the Neolithic age
was terrific
300
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,640
♪ Man learned to farm,
build homes so big and settle
301
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,280
♪ Then some other folks turned
up, and they discovered metal
302
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,240
♪ Bigger men from Europe
found bronze and
303
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,200
♪ The simple and traditional
ways of stone
304
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,240
♪ Bronze age was invented
By now man was flying
305
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,160
♪ Cos hot on its heels
came the age of iron
306
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,360
♪ Celts, druids, religion
then Rome
307
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,280
♪ By now a distance memory,
those ages of stone
308
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,280
♪ Shooby dooby do wah
Since that metallic stage
309
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,120
♪ Skiddly bup do wah
There was no more Stone Age
310
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,840
♪ Shooby dooby do wah
Now you know what is known
311
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,520
♪ About the many phases
of the ages of stone
312
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,960
♪ Yeah...
All right! ♪
313
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,000
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back
to Stone Age Dragon's Den.
314
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,560
It's nearly a million
and a half years later.
315
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,560
Not much has been invented
since fire,
316
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,240
but Stone Age man has had
a sudden burst of creativity.
317
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,680
It's time for Arg to enter
the Den.
318
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:45,960
Hello, Dragons.
319
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,720
Me name Arg.
320
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,720
Me invent this, right.
321
00:16:55,080 --> 00:17:00,000
What is? It change world.
OK? It wheel,
you wheel things right?
322
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,440
What wrong with drag things?
No! Me out.
323
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,400
Have you invented
anything useful? I'm a busy man.
324
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,360
Arg has one last chance
to impress the Dragons.
325
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,200
Me also invent this, right?
326
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,320
What is? Is beer.
Me make from barley.
327
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,760
It grown-up drink. Not for kids.
328
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,760
It make me feel very dizzy.
329
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,600
Argh! Me invent big headache.
330
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,080
SLURS: We give you plenty money.
331
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,320
Yes! Light weights.
332
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,800
Arg's beer has made a big impact
333
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:40,520
and for the first time in the
den all the dragons are in
334
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,480
Now all Arg needs to invent
is a cure for the headache.
335
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,920
[MAN READING]
336
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,360
Welcome back to HHTV Sport,
337
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,520
bringing you live sporting
events from the past.
338
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,960
Today we've got exclusive
coverage of the Olympics
from Ancient Greece
339
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,800
so let's go over to our
commentary team in
the year 400BC.
340
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,720
Good afternoon, welcome to
this afternoon's coverage.
341
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,320
We're all set here
for the finals of the sprint
342
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,880
which should be taking place
in a couple of minutes.
343
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,880
The athletes are naked...
They're naked.
344
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,440
The athletes are actually naked!
Ha ha ha ha...
345
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,240
They're not ready, they're not
ready. No, we are ready
we run naked.
346
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,360
Over to you, Tanni.
So, we run man.
It's an Ancient Greek thing.
347
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,120
OK! Over to you, Tanni,
with the women's events please.
348
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,880
Hi, I'll be covering all the
women's events of these Olympics
349
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,720
Oh, erm... I'm just hearing
there are no women's events.
350
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,320
Women aren't allowed to take
part at these Olympic Games.
351
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,600
Apparently, they're not even
allowed to watch!
352
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,440
I guess it's an Ancient Greek
thing, back to the studio.
353
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,920
Right. Well, while we wait for
something we can actually cover,
354
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,680
let's just catch up with
the Olympic medal table so far.
355
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,880
Greece doing pretty well there,
as you'd expect,
356
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,560
no-one else is competing.
357
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,240
So Greece top of the table there
and indeed bottom.
358
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,160
Speaking of bottoms,
let's go back to John.
359
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,480
Hello again. I'm pleased to say
I'm standing with
360
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160
the fully clothed Euphemius.
361
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,280
Er, shouldn't you be getting
ready? You're on in a minute.
362
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,320
I am ready. This is how we race.
363
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,080
I thought you guys ran
in the nude
364
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,920
No, no, no.
This race is the hoplomachi.
365
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,560
We run the whole thing
in full armour like,
366
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,600
show off our military prowess.
367
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,280
But it's just a running race.
Why do you need a shield?
368
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,600
It's an ancient Greek thing.
369
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,080
When you're this close to the
javelin area, it comes in handy.
370
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:35,600
Over to you, Richard.
371
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,680
Thank you, John. I'm here
for an update on the pankration.
372
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,840
So what is that, I hear you ask?
373
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,320
It's two men fighting, only with
no gloves and even fewer rules.
374
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,920
Here to tell me all about it
is the winner, Krugas.
375
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,320
I'm Daxemonos, the loser.
Erm, that's Krugas,
he's the winner.
376
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,360
Ah! Isn't he, erm... well, dead?
377
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,800
Yes. Hes' dead.
378
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,920
See, the thing is in pankration,
you're not suppose to kill
your opponent.
379
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,320
I did, and, er...
so I got disqualified.
380
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,400
So technically Krugas is
the winner.
381
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,640
Don't tell me,
it's an ancient Greek thing.
382
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,120
So why don't you talk us through
383
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,240
Well, thing is, I've got
pretty sharp nails on my hand.
384
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,560
When I hit him in the stomach
I sort of pulled his guts out.
385
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,480
Coming up next... my lunch.
386
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,320
Back to the studio.
You all right, mate?
387
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,120
[WOMAN READING]
388
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,280
It's true.
389
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,320
"Be careful" would have been
good advice for this
Greek sportsman.
390
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,760
♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
391
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,840
♪ They're funny cos they're true
392
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,600
♪ Woo!
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
393
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,680
♪ Hope next time it's
not you! ♪ Ha-hee.
394
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,480
Yes! Finished my Sudoku.
I'm a genius.
395
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,040
Er, yes, well,
it did take me eight hours.
396
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,640
You couldn't just let me have
my moment of glory, could you?
397
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,160
Hmm? Had to undermine me.
398
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,720
Next!
399
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,240
Hello, looks like we've caught
a big one. And you are?
400
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,600
Milo of Croton, six times
Olympic wrestling champion
401
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,400
and famous all-round strongman
if you can believe that.
402
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,080
And what sort of things
do you do?
403
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,480
One time I picked up and carried
a fully grown bull on
my shoulders.
404
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,640
Oh, very impressive.
But can you finish a Sudoku?
405
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,720
Thought not.
406
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,760
I could pick you all up
and carry you in one
hand though.
407
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,400
Well, that's a very generous
offer but perhaps
some other time
408
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,680
Right then, come on,
let's hear it
409
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,160
You know, the stupid death.
410
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,120
As in the jingle...
♪ Stupid death, stupid death
411
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,640
Oh, the thing, yeah. Well, I was
walking through a forest
one day,
412
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,600
and I came across this,
this big tree trunk
413
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,520
with this split down the middle.
414
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:58,000
Yes. I can't resist an
opportunity to show off
415
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:02,640
my tremendous physical strength,
so I pushed my arms into
the hole
416
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,960
to, like, pull the tree in two
with my bare hands.
417
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,800
Yes. Turns out
it's quite a narrow gap
418
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,720
and I got my arms stuck
in the hole, couldn't move.
419
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,680
Yes. Long story short,
I got eaten alive by wolves.
420
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,760
Ha ha ha ha!
421
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,400
You got, he got...
422
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,560
Argh! Ha ha! You plonker.
423
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,800
You spent too much time
working on these muscles
424
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,120
and not enough time working on
this muscle. I don't get it.
425
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,840
The brain and things like Sudoku
426
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,240
Oh, forget it. My talents are
wasted on these people, honestly
427
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,480
You're through to the afterlife.
Yeah, it's through the
door there.
428
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,960
The door, the gap in the wall.
429
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,480
The thing you can move through.
Go through it, go.
430
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,840
Honestly, ho-ho-ho... Next!
431
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,320
♪ Stupid death, stupid death
432
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,720
♪ Hope next time it's not you!
Hoo hoo!
433
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,160
[MAN READING]
434
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,320
Everyone knows a man's best
friend is his dog.
435
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,720
Never was this more true
than for Cavalier Prince Rupert.
436
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,480
I don't know what you call
a fly without wings.
437
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,200
But I suggest you either put it
out of it's
438
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:16,360
A walk?
439
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,160
Is this some kind of joke?
440
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,880
Good day to you, madam.
441
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,920
Prince Rupert, general in his
majesty's Cavalier army,
442
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:30,560
at your service. Oooh!
443
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,800
I'm usually a bit suspicious of
you historical types,
444
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,240
but you seem like
a proper gentleman.
445
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,400
Nephew of King Charles I,
no less
446
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,640
How can I help you?
I would like to buy a poodle.
447
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,240
Oh, shouldn't be a problem.
Any particular kind of poodle?
448
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,640
A white one that does a dance
449
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,480
anytime it hears the name
of my uncle, King Charles I.
450
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:50,240
He's my uncle, did I mention?
You did mention
451
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,080
Poodles are highly intelligent
so that shouldn't be a problem.
452
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,760
And I'd like him to cock his leg
and do a little pee
453
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:58,680
every time he hears the name Pim
454
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:00,480
Pim?
455
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,400
Roundhead commander,
my sworn enemy
456
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,920
My old dog boy used to be able
to do both those tricks.
457
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,560
And what happened to him?
458
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:09,840
I used to take him into battle
with me,
459
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,120
and he sort of got shot.
460
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,560
Battles are no places for dogs!
Out of here before
I set mine on you.
461
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,200
And this one doesn't pee
when you say the word Pim.
462
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,400
[WATER TRICKLES]
463
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,160
Oh, will you look at that!
Can he dance?
464
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,920
That's 100% accu-rat!
465
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,840
Whenever someone said the word
Pim, Prince Rupert's poodle
did a pee.
466
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,840
Or did his peedle do a poo?
One or the other.
467
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,960
So we're done with the silly
sketch of a dead dog.
What's up next?
468
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,960
Hm, what's that?
A sketch featuring a dead horse?
469
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:42,680
Nice.
470
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,480
This is the biggest day
of Alodia's life.
471
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:52,600
Sadly no bridesmaid. She's a
bit under the weather, plague.
472
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,120
She's about to get married
to her fiancé Dagle
473
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,160
who has planned the entire
wedding himself,
474
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,120
without any input
from his young bride.
475
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,080
Is this on straight?
476
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,520
But will it be a day to remember
or one she'd rather forget?
477
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,760
Right then, let's do it.
478
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,560
This is Historical
Don't Tell The Bride.
479
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,720
Since Alodia's parents
don't approve of Dagle,
480
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,040
they've refused to give her away
481
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,880
So she's made her way
to the church alone.
482
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,200
Darling, you look wonderful.
So do you. Is everything ready?
483
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,520
Absolutely. Right then.
Shall we?
484
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,960
Where are you going?
Into the church to get married.
485
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,120
Yeah, probably should have said,
486
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,240
there's been a bit of
a change of plan. What?
487
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:41,600
Without their parents' blessings
488
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,240
Dagle found that a church
wedding was out of question
489
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,560
so in a break from
family tradition,
490
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,760
Dagle and Alodia
are to be married...by a tramp.
491
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,000
Darling, this is our new priest.
492
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,640
He looks like a tramp.
I am a tramp.
493
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,600
He said "I am a tramp".
I heard what he said, why are
we getting married by a tramp?
494
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,000
Oh, he's a priest as well,
sort of...
495
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,480
He's just a travelling tramp.
496
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,880
They call themselves stroller
priests. He's really good value.
497
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,240
Good value? Is it even legal?
498
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,840
That is a very good question,
499
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,560
and in answer to that I'd like
to say your hair looks lovely.
500
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,160
What? It does! I'm not...
501
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,000
While stroller weddings
aren't recognised by law,
502
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,840
many young couples feel that
such a ceremony in some way
503
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:33,320
cements their union
in the eyes of God.
504
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:36,040
Though some elements of the
stroller ceremony are
a little unusual
505
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,320
What's that? Some leaves.
506
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,280
Underneath the leaves. Oh, that?
507
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:42,200
That's a dead horse.
508
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,560
Why is there a dead horse
at my wedding?
509
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,280
It's fine, it's fine.
it's part of the ceremony.
510
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,440
Can we just get on with it
511
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:49,880
Do you?
512
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,520
Oh, yes, I do. What about you?
513
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,560
'Spose so.
514
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,080
Right, shake hands
over the dead horse. What?
515
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:00,920
You heard.
516
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,440
There we are, very nice.
517
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,600
By the power invested in me, I
now pronounce you man and wife.
518
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:10,680
You can have a kiss or whatever.
519
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,000
One for the priest?
520
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,040
There. Wasn't that better than
some stuffy church wedding?
521
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,880
No. Oh, come on!
At least it was memorable.
522
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,680
Believe me, every time you look
at my face you'll remember
this day.
523
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,000
When you put it that way!
524
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,320
'Excuse me, do you by any chance
do stroller divorces?
525
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,920
♪ Tall tales,
Atrocious acts,
526
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,160
♪ We gave you all
the fearsome facts
527
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,760
♪ The ugly truth no glam or glee
528
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:40,800
♪ We showed you all
the juicy bits
529
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,720
♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
530
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,960
♪ Stuff they don't teach you
at school
531
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,240
♪ The past is no longer
a mystery
532
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:53,000
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories ♪
43810
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