Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, Daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times!

♪ Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories ♪

[MAN READING]

Once upon a time a loving king married a beautiful queen,

and they lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately this isn't that story.

It's the story of Philip II of Spain and Mary I of England.

[MAN READING]

Mm, if I marry the Queen of England,

I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world,

the Spain and England.

Great plan, Sir. Though I should warn you

I have seen the Queen of England in an oil painting,

and she's no oil painting.

I don't care what she looks like It's the power I am after.

Oh, aren't I bad!

[MAN READING]

We are gathered here today

to join this Queen and this King in holy matrimony.

Oh, happy day.

[MAN READING]

Time out.

Your Majesty, remember the plan!

If you marry Mary, you could be the most powerful man in the world.

But look at the state of her! Hang on.

I suppose I could marry her then run back to Spain,

then I'd have all the power and never have to see her again.

Ooh, I'm so bad! Go on, you can boo if you like.

Right, I'm back.

I now pronounce you man and wife

How about a kiss?

Why not?

I'm off.

[MAN READING]

Has anyone got any matches? I fancy burning some Protestants

[MAN READING]

All right, how's it going?

Oh, my life, is that the time? Later.

[MAN READING]

[MAN READING]

Sir, your wife is dead.

Oh, that is a weight off.

Seriously, shall we have a party?

It's too soon. Ooh! I can go to England now and claim the kingdom.

There is a slight problem with that you see,

Because you'd hardly ever been there, and your catholic and your foreign

they decided to give the crown to your wife's sister.

Oh, the cheek of it.

[MAN READING]

If I marry the new Queen of England,

I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world.

Spain and England

Ooh! Aren't I bad?

[MAN READING]

Philip did propose marriage to Mary's half sister Queen Elizabeth I,

but she turned him down.

I'm not sure he would have found her that much more attractive.

As a famous monarch I'm always being asked

how I keep my teeth looking so bright, white and healthy.

Truly, you have the most beautiful teeth in the land, your majesty.

I know. And it's thanks to all new Tudor Sugar-Paste tooth paste.

ANNOUNCER: The sugary paste in all new Tudor Sugar Paste tooth paste

is made up of sugar in a paste.

Just rub the sugary paste all over your teeth and gums

and watch all that sugary goodness get to work.

Yes, use all new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste on your teeth

and you too could have teeth just like Queen Elizabeth's!

And the best thing is, sugar is so expensive in Tudor times,

that only posh people can afford it.

Plus, buy all-new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste now

and get this sugar mouth wash absolutely free.

For sugary rotten teeth that say "I'm stinking rich."

I'm stinking rich.

[MAN READING]

Argh! When you spend months at sea like us pirates,

you can't be too picky about what you eat now.

Four eager chefs, four historical eras.

But just one prize. Who will be crowned Historical Master Chef?

I like eating nice food.

And so do I. Ha ha ha!

One-eyed Bart became ships cook on board pirate vessel,

the Black Pigafter he lost his arm.

He could no longer climb the rigging or fight in battles

I like to think of it as not so much lose in a hand as gain in a utensil.

Ha ha haaa!

Lost it to a cutlass, so I did. What about your eye?

Oh, no, that was my fault. I got an inch in it and forgot about the hand.

Ha ha ha ha!

For his first course, Bart has prepared a traditional pirate soup.

Well, the no-frills presentation is certainly original.

What sort of meat is it exactly?

It's turtle.

Can't eat turtle! Oh, sure you can, man.

They're the best type of food for a long voyage.

You flip them on to their backs so they can't, you know, scamper away

and then you got all the fresh meat you want.

But, aren't they endangered?

They are when I'm around.

For his main course, Bart has prepared a spicy pirate stew.

It's called salmagundi. Dig in, fellas, dig in.

Unusual taste combination. What's in it?

You got your pork, chicken, duck, pigeon,

er, your whale, your seagull, your dolphin.

I wondered where he'd got to.

Yeah, we just keep the stew boiling away throughout the voyage,

and throw in any meat we lay our hands on.

Do you mean to tell me that some of the meat in there,

has been stewing away for weeks? No, no. Months.

John, get me some water to get the taste out.

Can we get some water please?

[TRICKLING OF WATER] What are you doing?

Bart, what are you doing? Oh, that's happened.

Well, when you run out of water aboard a pirate ship, it's drink wee or die!

Mind you, some of my shipmates drank wee and died.

And some went mad. Hurrgh! Not me though, no.

I'm not going to drink your wee, mate.

Does this mean I've not got through?

Bart, not in a million, billion years have you got...

Congratulations, you are through to the next round. Well done, mate.

That's wonderful news!

Cheers! Mm...

[HE GROANS]

Tchuh! You'd have to be pretty hungry to eat a rat. Ow!

Unless, of course... ow! you were a flee... ow! Stop it Marcus.

As well as some strange eating habits,

pirates had some truly bizarre superstitions.

Ow! Enough already! Huh!

Pirate weather forecast with Captain Saltybeard.

Ahoy my hearties, and welcome to the pirate weather forecast,

predicting the weather using the very latest pirate superstitions.

Arrr! Now a black cat was seen on a boat today,

so tomorrow should be dry and sunny.

Unless some scurvy land-lubbing knave has thrown that black cat

out of the ship, in which case there will be wind and rain.

Though not if you can see an albatross!

Because if you can, it'll be lovely and sunny.

Unless some weevil-eyed bilge for brain shoots that albatross out of the sky!

As that'll cause thunder and lightning,

and a storm of hail stones, which could make for a bit of a rough voyage.

You'll be as sick as a parrot! As was my parrot.

Looking ahead for the rest of the week,

if you're sailing on Friday,

Don't! That's unlucky, it's when evil witches gather!

And remember, if you're out on the high seas,

then do please watch out for pirates.

Cos we're coming to get ya! Good night.

[MAN READING]

Some of the things poor Victorians did for money,

were pretty horrible to say the least. Good day.

MUSIC: EASTENDERS THEME

Oh! You're home early, how was your day at work?

Yeah, not bad, Mummy. Mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.

It certainly smells like you collected enough dog poo for the leather tanner

Yeah, and then the boss told me to stir all the poo in the tub.

Oh, you're moving up in the world darling

Before you know it, he'll be paying you as well.

Cor, imagine! Hello kids! Oh, there she is! Come here, you

Father, really! I've only just washed this outfit today.

All right, sorry. Though tonight we have something to celebrate.

Feast your mince pies on this.

It's a handful of poo.

Well, yeah. But look closer

Wow, a penny! Oh, ain't you clever

Your old man has been out tossing

There I was traipsing my way through mile after miles of poo filled sewer

looking for coins, dropped by the posh people of London,

when suddenly there it was, glinting away at me in the darkness.

Woah! Well, after that hard day's work, what you both need

is a nice hot bath.

Oh, that's what I love about you is your sense of humour

As if we have hot water. Or a bath. Ha ha ha!

Oh, and that's not the only good news.

I've only gone and got myself an evening job, as a night soilman.

Cor! From now on, your old man's going to spend his evenings

collecting buckets of poo from other people's outside lavvies.

Oh, and to think my father told me not to marry you,

cos he said, you'd never amount to anything!

Come here. [BABY CRIES]

Oh, hey up.

Think her nappy needs changing. I think it must be your turn.

No, no way. That is disgusting.

The practice of toshing for coins was only possible after 1865.

When Joseph Bazalgette invented the London sewer system,

or as I like to call it, home.

Before then, living conditions were even more unhealthy.

Fortunately Victorian medicine was highly sophisticated.

Yeah, right!

Don't worry, Jenny. I've called an ambulance,

they'll be here any minute.

Make way, make way, make way! Historical paramedics.

You're paramedics? Even better. We're historical paramedics.

All the way from Victorian England. God save the Queen! God save the Queen!

Now what appears to be the ailment?

It's my sister, we were coming back from town

and she has these terrible stomach pains.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking

That top hats are fabulous? No. They are.

I'm thinking that this lady has tapeworm.

I concur. Nigel, fetch me our sharpest blade.

You need to operate? No. I simply need to cut up this bacon,

and fry it in close proximity to the patient.

The smell of the bacon should tempt the tapeworm out of her stomach.

because it wants to eat the bacon, thus curing the patient.

And, does this bacon cure work? Infrequently.

How infrequently? Never. Jeff, look!

She has some inflammation on her throat. Looks like a boil. I concur.

Nigel, apply the warm porridge. It's not a boil. She's always had that.

A wart, then. Nigel, this lady, this women,

is riddled with warts. Bury some string in the ground immediately.

It's not a wart, it's a birth mark. Is it?

Hang on, I hear wheezing and congestion.

She's got a cold. BOTH: A cold?

Nigel, fetch me a sock. A sock?

Don't worry, sir. A sweaty sock tied about the throat

is thought to be the best cure for even the most persistent of colds.

And that one is really sweaty.

I only change them once a week in case their needed.

Sugar...

sugar and... is an excellent cure for a cough.

Mixed, of course, with beer, rum and vinegar.

Open up. Get it down you, girl. In there.

What about the stomach pains? SHOUTS: Does your tummy still hurt?

Oh, looks like ear ache. Nigel, fetch me a potato.

What potato?

The topical application of a potato makes an excellent cure for ear ache.

There we are, right as rain.

No need to thank us, sir. Your smile is thanks enough.

SIREN WAILS That sounds like a proper ambulance!

Soon they will be upon us, we must flee this place.

Run away. Run away. Run away!

Hop away!

Those historical ones have been here again.

Jane! Bring some sponges.

Oh, and maybe a pan. I think there's some bacon going.

[MAN READING]

ANNOUNCER: This is Stone Age Dragon's Den.

It's about 1.5 million years ago

and an early homo sapien thinks his amazing new invention,

might interest the Dragons.

Hello Dragon, me name Ugg.

Me present this.

Oh, not again. How many times...

we already have stone, it's Stone Age. Me out.

Me out. No, no, wait.

Looky, watch.

Ugg's running out of time to try and impress the Dragons.

Can his new use of stone win them over?

Heh, heh... me call it fire.

Oh. Fire! Fire!

ALL: Fire!

It looks like the Dragons have declared themselves out.

Aaahh!

Oh, me invent burnt finger.

What we call the Stone Age actually covers lots of different sub eras

There's the Palaeolithic, the Mesolithic, the Neolithic.

It's really quite complicated, what's the best way of explaining it?

Oh, I know, a song!

♪ I'm sure you've heard the Stone Age occurred

♪ For 2.5 million years

♪ But there's more of Stone Age to engage

♪ Than maybe it first appears

♪ Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, let's make this clearer

♪ Didn't live together, came from different eras

♪ That's not all I can tell ya so much more to be known

♪ About the many phases in the ages of Stone

♪ Shooby dooby do wah, it's all the rage

♪ To skiddly-bup do wah Brush up on you Stone Age, oh, yeah

♪ All right

♪ It's fine to define an era Palaeolithic

♪ But you're gonna have to be a little more specific

♪ Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools

♪ Or Middle Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled

♪ That's when homo sapien starts to emerge

♪ But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge

♪ Not till Upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago

♪ Did Neanderthal and homo sapiens, say hello

♪ The Neanderthal and homo sapi

♪ Living in cave man harmony

♪ Language was invented, cave painting art

♪ Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start

♪ Of phase two-be-doobu-do-wop Turn a new page

♪ Skiddly bup doo wah Bug up on the Stone Age

♪ Oh yeah, all right

♪ This is where it starts to get all scientific

♪ Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic

♪ Then Neanderthals are wiped out

♪ After which the Neolithic age was terrific

♪ Man learned to farm, build homes so big and settle

♪ Then some other folks turned up, and they discovered metal

♪ Bigger men from Europe found bronze and

♪ The simple and traditional ways of stone

♪ Bronze age was invented By now man was flying

♪ Cos hot on its heels came the age of iron

♪ Celts, druids, religion then Rome

♪ By now a distance memory, those ages of stone

♪ Shooby dooby do wah Since that metallic stage

♪ Skiddly bup do wah There was no more Stone Age

♪ Shooby dooby do wah Now you know what is known

♪ About the many phases of the ages of stone

♪ Yeah... All right! ♪

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Stone Age Dragon's Den.

It's nearly a million and a half years later.

Not much has been invented since fire,

but Stone Age man has had a sudden burst of creativity.

It's time for Arg to enter the Den.

Hello, Dragons.

Me name Arg.

Me invent this, right.

What is? It change world. OK? It wheel, you wheel things right?

What wrong with drag things? No! Me out.

Have you invented anything useful? I'm a busy man.

Arg has one last chance to impress the Dragons.

Me also invent this, right?

What is? Is beer. Me make from barley.

It grown-up drink. Not for kids.

It make me feel very dizzy.

Argh! Me invent big headache.

SLURS: We give you plenty money.

Yes! Light weights.

Arg's beer has made a big impact

and for the first time in the den all the dragons are in

Now all Arg needs to invent is a cure for the headache.

[MAN READING]

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

bringing you live sporting events from the past.

Today we've got exclusive coverage of the Olympics from Ancient Greece

so let's go over to our commentary team in the year 400BC.

Good afternoon, welcome to this afternoon's coverage.

We're all set here for the finals of the sprint

which should be taking place in a couple of minutes.

The athletes are naked... They're naked.

The athletes are actually naked! Ha ha ha ha...

They're not ready, they're not ready. No, we are ready we run naked.

Over to you, Tanni. So, we run man. It's an Ancient Greek thing.

OK! Over to you, Tanni, with the women's events please.

Hi, I'll be covering all the women's events of these Olympics

Oh, erm... I'm just hearing there are no women's events.

Women aren't allowed to take part at these Olympic Games.

Apparently, they're not even allowed to watch!

I guess it's an Ancient Greek thing, back to the studio.

Right. Well, while we wait for something we can actually cover,

let's just catch up with the Olympic medal table so far.

Greece doing pretty well there, as you'd expect,

no-one else is competing.

So Greece top of the table there and indeed bottom.

Speaking of bottoms, let's go back to John.

Hello again. I'm pleased to say I'm standing with

the fully clothed Euphemius.

Er, shouldn't you be getting ready? You're on in a minute.

I am ready. This is how we race.

I thought you guys ran in the nude

No, no, no. This race is the hoplomachi.

We run the whole thing in full armour like,

show off our military prowess.

But it's just a running race. Why do you need a shield?

It's an ancient Greek thing.

When you're this close to the javelin area, it comes in handy.

Over to you, Richard.

Thank you, John. I'm here for an update on the pankration.

So what is that, I hear you ask?

It's two men fighting, only with no gloves and even fewer rules.

Here to tell me all about it is the winner, Krugas.

I'm Daxemonos, the loser. Erm, that's Krugas, he's the winner.

Ah! Isn't he, erm... well, dead?

Yes. Hes' dead.

See, the thing is in pankration, you're not suppose to kill your opponent.

I did, and, er... so I got disqualified.

So technically Krugas is the winner.

Don't tell me, it's an ancient Greek thing.

So why don't you talk us through

Well, thing is, I've got pretty sharp nails on my hand.

When I hit him in the stomach I sort of pulled his guts out.

Coming up next... my lunch.

Back to the studio. You all right, mate?

[WOMAN READING]

It's true.

"Be careful" would have been good advice for this Greek sportsman.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ They're funny cos they're true

♪ Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪ Ha-hee.

Yes! Finished my Sudoku. I'm a genius.

Er, yes, well, it did take me eight hours.

You couldn't just let me have my moment of glory, could you?

Hmm? Had to undermine me.

Next!

Hello, looks like we've caught a big one. And you are?

Milo of Croton, six times Olympic wrestling champion

and famous all-round strongman if you can believe that.

And what sort of things do you do?

One time I picked up and carried a fully grown bull on my shoulders.

Oh, very impressive. But can you finish a Sudoku?

Thought not.

I could pick you all up and carry you in one hand though.

Well, that's a very generous offer but perhaps some other time

Right then, come on, let's hear it

You know, the stupid death.

As in the jingle... ♪ Stupid death, stupid death

Oh, the thing, yeah. Well, I was walking through a forest one day,

and I came across this, this big tree trunk

with this split down the middle.

Yes. I can't resist an opportunity to show off

my tremendous physical strength, so I pushed my arms into the hole

to, like, pull the tree in two with my bare hands.

Yes. Turns out it's quite a narrow gap

and I got my arms stuck in the hole, couldn't move.

Yes. Long story short, I got eaten alive by wolves.

Ha ha ha ha!

You got, he got...

Argh! Ha ha! You plonker.

You spent too much time working on these muscles

and not enough time working on this muscle. I don't get it.

The brain and things like Sudoku

Oh, forget it. My talents are wasted on these people, honestly

You're through to the afterlife. Yeah, it's through the door there.

The door, the gap in the wall.

The thing you can move through. Go through it, go.

Honestly, ho-ho-ho... Next!

♪ Stupid death, stupid death

♪ Hope next time it's not you! Hoo hoo!

[MAN READING]

Everyone knows a man's best friend is his dog.

Never was this more true than for Cavalier Prince Rupert.

I don't know what you call a fly without wings.

But I suggest you either put it out of it's

A walk?

Is this some kind of joke?

Good day to you, madam.

Prince Rupert, general in his majesty's Cavalier army,

at your service. Oooh!

I'm usually a bit suspicious of you historical types,

but you seem like a proper gentleman.

Nephew of King Charles I, no less

How can I help you? I would like to buy a poodle.

Oh, shouldn't be a problem. Any particular kind of poodle?

A white one that does a dance

anytime it hears the name of my uncle, King Charles I.

He's my uncle, did I mention? You did mention

Poodles are highly intelligent so that shouldn't be a problem.

And I'd like him to cock his leg and do a little pee

every time he hears the name Pim

Pim?

Roundhead commander, my sworn enemy

My old dog boy used to be able to do both those tricks.

And what happened to him?

I used to take him into battle with me,

and he sort of got shot.

Battles are no places for dogs! Out of here before I set mine on you.

And this one doesn't pee when you say the word Pim.

[WATER TRICKLES]

Oh, will you look at that! Can he dance?

That's 100% accu-rat!

Whenever someone said the word Pim, Prince Rupert's poodle did a pee.

Or did his peedle do a poo? One or the other.

So we're done with the silly sketch of a dead dog. What's up next?

Hm, what's that? A sketch featuring a dead horse?

Nice.

This is the biggest day of Alodia's life.

Sadly no bridesmaid. She's a bit under the weather, plague.

She's about to get married to her fiancé Dagle

who has planned the entire wedding himself,

without any input from his young bride.

Is this on straight?

But will it be a day to remember or one she'd rather forget?

Right then, let's do it.

This is Historical Don't Tell The Bride.

Since Alodia's parents don't approve of Dagle,

they've refused to give her away

So she's made her way to the church alone.

Darling, you look wonderful. So do you. Is everything ready?

Absolutely. Right then. Shall we?

Where are you going? Into the church to get married.

Yeah, probably should have said,

there's been a bit of a change of plan. What?

Without their parents' blessings

Dagle found that a church wedding was out of question

so in a break from family tradition,

Dagle and Alodia are to be married...by a tramp.

Darling, this is our new priest.

He looks like a tramp. I am a tramp.

He said "I am a tramp". I heard what he said, why are we getting married by a tramp?

Oh, he's a priest as well, sort of...

He's just a travelling tramp.

They call themselves stroller priests. He's really good value.

Good value? Is it even legal?

That is a very good question,

and in answer to that I'd like to say your hair looks lovely.

What? It does! I'm not...

While stroller weddings aren't recognised by law,

many young couples feel that such a ceremony in some way

cements their union in the eyes of God.

Though some elements of the stroller ceremony are a little unusual

What's that? Some leaves.

Underneath the leaves. Oh, that?

That's a dead horse.

Why is there a dead horse at my wedding?

It's fine, it's fine. it's part of the ceremony.

Can we just get on with it

Do you?

Oh, yes, I do. What about you?

'Spose so.

Right, shake hands over the dead horse. What?

You heard.

There we are, very nice.

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You can have a kiss or whatever.

One for the priest?

There. Wasn't that better than some stuffy church wedding?

No. Oh, come on! At least it was memorable.

Believe me, every time you look at my face you'll remember this day.

When you put it that way!

'Excuse me, do you by any chance do stroller divorces?

♪ Tall tales, Atrocious acts,

♪ We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth no glam or glee

♪ We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories ♪