Original subtitles

*Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

*Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

* Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

* Dingy castles, Daring knights

* Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

* Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times!

* Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

* Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

* Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages

* Mean and measly Middle Ages

* Gory stories, we do that

* And your host a talking rat

* The past is no longer a mystery

* Welcome to Horrible Histories *

(MAN READING)

(SHIVERING) it's freezing!

Tell me about it. I made this cup of tea

two minutes ago, and now look at. It's like a tea lollipop!

I think I'm getting frostbite. I've lost the feeling in my toes.

Come here, then. Let's huddle

Ooh! You are cold, ain't ya?

It's these th-thin uniforms.

-MAN: Somme Times! -Newspaper? Brilliant!

-I'll take a couple. Thanks, mate. -Newspaper?

-I'm shaking too much to read a newspaper. -No, it's not for reading.

You stick it up your shirt.

It's like an extra layer of insulation. There. Are you warmer?

-No. -Oh.

When I had frostbite last year, the doctor told me to strip off,

and then he rubbed me down with a cloth covered in snow.

Did it help?

-No. Made it much worse, come to think of it. -At ease, men.

Ooh, what you got there, then, Sir?

-Something to warm you up. -Oh! Is it a Lancashire hotpot?

-No, it's whale oil. -Oh, that stinks.

-I'm not eating that. -Don't be ridiculous.

Don't eat it. I want you to smear it over your bodies.

-Weird. -Army orders, lads.

Before going out on patrol in cold weather,

each man must be stripped and coatedin melted down whale fat.

Well, I suppose If it keeps a whale warm...

OK? Now, smear away. That's it.

-Are you feeling any warmer? -Not at all.

Lads, well, grab your guns, and let's head out on patrol.

It's slipping.

I can't... (GUN FIRES)

-MAN: Watch it! -Sorry.

It could get really cold in the trenches,

and there wasn't much food to eat either,

so nothing went to waste. Ha!

ANNOUNCER: Four eager chefs, four historical heroes for just one prize.

Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

Whoever wins this competition, it will change their ives!

What he said.

ANNOUNCER: Ernie is a World War I soldier who has to prepare his own meals

from limited rations.

Mate, mate, mate, mate, you can't do that. That's unhygienic.

Aw, but it feels so good.

I've been stuck in those freezing cold trenches for months!

You can't leave these... Ugh!

Yeah, my socks are a bit riddled with lice, I'm afraid.

-Don't worry, mate. You get used to the itching. -Do you?

No. Still, waste not, want not,

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

-The red ones are more juicy. -(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

ANNOUNCER: With Gregg deloused, it's time to find out what Ernie will serve up.

OK, everyone, time's up.

Stop cooking meals of food.

Well, first up, I've made dog And maggot.

Not actual dog and maggot?

Oh, no, no, no, that's just trench talk for bread and cheese.

-I'm following that with baby's head. -What? Not actual babies.

No, no, not actual babies. That's trench talk for meat pudding.

It's called that 'cause it looks bit like a baby's head.

And, lastly, my piece de resistance, messenger peigeon pie!

-Now you're talking! -Just to double check,

not actual messenger pigeon?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, actual. Well, we weren't sending any messages,

so waste not, want not.

(SPITTING)

Talking of which...

Not bad.

Ernie, your food was disgusting.

However, we admired your resourcefulness, and for that reason,

we're putting you through to the next round.

-Congratulations, mate. -Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.

-Ugh. What is this? -Tea.

From stale rainwater I scooped out a dirty shell hole.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Does tend to give you bad diarrhoea if you're not used to it.

(FARTS) Ugh, I don't think I'm going to make it!

Waste not, want not, eh?

(FARTS) Ugh, still not used to it, still not used to it!

(LAUGHS)

Did you know, when World War I soldiers finished off tins of jam,

they'd sometimes fill the tins with explosives and use them as grenades?

Imagine if they lobbed the wrong one, eh?

(YELLS) I'm wounded and I've been hit by a grenade!

Oh, no, hold on, it's just jam.

(MAN READING)

Hello, and welcome to the News At When. When? The Saxon era,

when Britain was being shaped by invaders from mainland Europe.

To find out more, we go over now Bob Hale with the Anglo-Saxon Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 400 AD.

That right there is Britain, and here comes the King,

in a bed sheet! No, not really.

It's a Roman emperor, because Britain is under Roman rule,

just as it has been for more than 350 years.

But that is about to change,

because in the year 410, the unthinkable happens,

so unthinkable, in fact, that I can't think of it. What was it now?

Oh, I know! The Roman Empire crumbles. The Romans leave Britain

with the immortal line, "Don't forget to put the cat out." Or something like that.

And that's when the problems really started.

The Picts from up in Scotland decide to invade England,

so the king of the Britons, Vortigern, hires a load of warriors

from Denmark and Germany to help him fight the Picts.

Amongst these warriors are Hengist and Horsa, who decide that

they like Britain so much, they'd like to keep some of it.

Luckily, Hengist has a beautiful daughter,

so, in one of the weirdest deals in history,

he offers King Vortigern his daughter's hand in marriage

in return for Kent, yep, Kent, and that's just the start of it.

So, seeing how easy it is to get your hands on English lands,

there are Danes and Germans everywhere.

Invaders from the German district of Angeln take over the Midlands and the North.

Invaders from Saxony take over huge chunks of the south.

Yes, England gets overrun with Angles and Saxons, making it officially Anglo-Saxon

and you thought we'd just made that term up!

So there we have it.

That's that. End of the story. End of the line. End of the pier.

Last dance. Last chance. Light's off. Cat's out. Done.

But not for long! Under Anglo-Saxon rule, Britain changes shape entirely,

although obviously not around the edges. Inside, though,

it's all changes. The Anglo-Saxon invaders shape their newly-won lands into

seven major kingdoms called Wessex and Essex and Sussex and so on.

But's not all plain sailing for the Anglo-Saxons, oh no.

Despite their best efforts, they can't conquer Scotland for toffee.

A shame, as Scotland's got great toffee.

While the other unconquered kingdoms in the west aren't exactly thrilled

about the new neighbours.

Relations get so bad that Kind Arthur of Mercia

an Anglo-Saxon Kingdom shown here in puce

whatever colour that is, builds a giant ditch cutting off

west of Britain from the rest of Britain creating the border of what we call Wales.

Scotland, Wales, Anglo-Saxon England all sitting side by side in perfect harmony,

bar a little name-calling and the odd local war.

But not for long. It's 865,

and lock up your monasteries, because here come the Vikings!

In no time, they take over every major Anglo-Saxon kingdom

except for this one, Wessex, home of Alfred the Great,

who clearly has a high opinion of himself. And for good reason,

because Alfie and his family actually managed to hold back the Vikings.

But not for long! Well, it's for quite a while.

But that's not the point. No, eventually Aethelred the Unready becomes the King

and gets so sick of the constant Viking attacks that he's presumably never ready for

that he decides to kill every Viking in England,

including the King of Norway's sister, which unsurprisingly doesn't go down

too well with the King of Norway who promptly invades England,

takes Aethelred's crown and becomes first in the line of Vikings Kings.

There's Canute, there's Harthacanute, there's a quarter of a Canute.

Except not the last one until, in 1042, an Englishman gets the throne.

It's Edward the Confessor. Hurray! And then he goes and dies. Boo.

Three people fight over who should replace him.

An Englishman, a Norman and a Viking which sounds like the start of the joke,

but it really isn't, especially for the Englishman, Harold Godwinson,

who takes the crown and is immediately set upon by the other two.

While he's fighting off the Viking one here,

the Norman one, a certain William the Conqueror, attacks down there.

Next, it's 1066, the Battle of Hastings which signals not only the end of Harold,

but also the end of Anglo-Saxon England altogether.

The end of the Pier Show, the end of the line, the end of the road,

the end of the world as we know it, and unless I calm down,

in the next few seconds it might well be the end of dear old Bob. Oh, it's too late!

(GROANS)

My mistake, it's just heartburn. Back to you, Sam.

We Saxons were defeated by Norman duke William the Conqueror.

He was a pretty ruthless character. And he always got his own way.

ANNOUNCER: He was the vicious, arrogant Norman Duke, who would one day rule Englannd.

Oh, really? Good, I like England.

Apart from the weather. Oh, and the food. And the people.

ANNOUNCER: She was the beautiful grandaughter of the French king.

Grandpapa, can I have a pony?

-Yes, have a 100 ponies. -I love you, Grandpapa.

ANNOUNCER: And when William asked for her hand in marriage,

there was only ever going to be one answer.

No way. I'm way too posh for that stinky Duke William.

I'm going to marry a prince or something.

ANNOUNCER: But William wouldn't take non for an answer.

He set off on a journey to win the heart of the beautiful princess.

-Stand up. -I am standing up.

Wow, you're very small.

Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?

I want you to marry me.

I will never marry you.

Hmm, we'll see about that.

ANNOUNCER: Duke William used all his charm to make Mathilda fall in love with him.

Marry me!

No!

(THUD)

Marry me!

No!

(THUD)

Marry me!

-OK! -Great.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, whoa, whoa, now, hang on a minute.

-What was all that about? -All what?

ANNOUNCER: All that, you pulling her hair and pushing her in the mud and stuff.

It's just what happens. She said no,

so I pulled her hair and then I pushed her in the mud and...

ANNOUNCER: But you can't do that.

I know, was terrible, but he turned out to be a really good husband.

Yeah, we were together 30 years.

We had 11 beautiful children.

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, but it's kind of... But... I...

-BOTH: What? -ANNOUNCER: Ah, forget it. So, where were we?

Coming soon to a cinema near you. Mud and Mathilda, a tale of loving and shoving.

Oi! I already said yes!

Oh, sorry.

My bad.

ANNOUNCER: Rated unreasonable.

(MAN READING)

(BOTH READING)

(THUD)

(MAN READING)

Us Georgians loved a good day out, but some of the things

we went to see could be considered very cruel.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe,

reporting from the hottest ticket in Georgian England.

It's London's latest attraction, London Bedlam, a fun day out for

all the family, and with entrance costing just one penny,

it's a sell-out.

I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.

And here it is, the first exhibit, and it's...

He's... I'm sorry, I'm confused.

-Who is he? -Oh, I don't know. He's just a mad person.

-Don't go near him, Anne. He may bite you. -What, this man is mad?

-Yes, he's clinically insane. -Shouldn't he be in hospital?

-This is a hospital. -Brilliant, isn't it?

Ah, it seems that Georgians are paying money

to go to a mental institution to laugh at the afflicted.

He's not doing anything. Throw something at him, Augustus.

Rubbish. Who else is there?

There's John Frith, the madman who tried to kill George III,

James Hadfield, the madman who tried to kill George III

and Margaret Nicholson, the mad woman who tried to kill George the III.

Seems like a lot of people want to kill George III.

I'm not surprised if he lets this vile practice go on.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe reporting from

the most unpleasant spectacle in Georgian Britain.

Oh, I'm bored now. Shall we go and see the public hanging?

Oh, lovely.

Or perhaps the number two.

(WOMAN READING)

The answer is...

C. 96,000 visitors went along to have a look

at those less fortunate than themselves.

Georgian entertainment could be pretty strange,

as were some of the things they thought were good for you.

ANNOUNCER: Introducing new Solomon's

the Georgian tonic for health and wellbeing,

made from the purest spring water, except with mercury in it.

Crisp and clear as a mountain stream,

apart from the poisonous metal content. Hang on.

I drink Solomon's Water everyday and I've never felt better.

Oh, dear, can't see, can't hear, can't stand.

(SCREAMS)

It's the mercury that lends new Solomon's Water

that unique metallic taste,

and we Georgians are pretty sure it's good for you.

The loss of sight, hearing, balance,

sensation and, occasionally, life, are just a coincidence.

-WOMAN: Help! -Probably.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Are you sure we should be

telling people to drink this stuff, Leonard?

(MAN READING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Greetings, my denizens of death.

I am Vincenzo Larfoff,

and this week's scary story is The Mystery of Motecuhzoma!

The year was...

(MOUTHS) 1519.

A year so terrifying, I dare not speak it,

when an eerie series of strange and unnerving events unfolded

in the distant South American capital of Tenochtitlan.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Yes, Tenochtitlan.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

And mighty Emperor Motecuhzoma had no idea of the fate that was about to

befall him when haunting visions began to curse his land.

First, in the ocean off the Aztec coast, a mysterious house

appeared in the turbulent waves, somehow moving towards the land.

Then, ghostly figures appeared on the shoreline, pale creatures

that looked like men but acted like gods,

and, from this house of horror,

-from its very bowels... -(FART)

-I don't think we need a sound effect for the word bowels. -(FART)

No, I don't want to hear that particular sound effect ever again, OK?

(CHITTERING)

And, from this house of horror, from its very bowels,

unearthly monsters were unleashed. Demons with the body wild deer,

but the arms and heads of men, each of them gripping a silver wand

that smashed flames, striking the Aztecs dead.

And as Motecuhzoma watched the carnage he wailed,

"What are these demonic creatures?"

Well, little did he know the chilling truth.

These unearthly creatures were not

demons or monsters nor aliens nor gods.

They were Spaniards!

What?

(CLEARS THROAT)

And the house in the sea was a Spanish galleon.

The ghostly figures were just invading Spanish soldiers,

the flaming wands were guns and the half deer, half men, they were just people on horses.

Let's clear this up once and for all.

Ghosts, scary.

Vampires, scary.

Spanish blokes on horses, not scary.

You're just making me look like an idiot.

Ow! Right, either the sound girl goes or I do.

Right, fine, I'll go.

The minute I finish lunch.

Yes, to us Aztecs, the invading Spaniards were very scary,

but the way they fought was really unfair.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Warrior, fight your way through history.

(COMPUTERISED VOICE READING)

GAME ANNOUNCER: Be a Spanish conquistador determined to conquer

the tribes of Central America and run off with their treasure.

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Spanish conquistador, selected.

(COMPUTERISED VOICE READING)

GAME ANNOUNCER: Or, be a battle-hardened Aztec warrior,

fearless defender of a proud nation.

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Aztec warrior, selected.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Warrior! Which warrior is mightier?

- COMPUTERISED VOICE: Play begins. -Ow, ow, ow...

(GUN FIRES)

(COMPUTERISED VOICE READING)

GAME ANNOUNCER: Choose a weapon the Aztecs have never seen before...

-COMPUTERISED VOICE: Cannon. -(AZTECS EXCLAIM)

-COMPUTERISED VOICE: Horse. -(HORSE NEIGHS)

Warning, smallpox virus outbreak.

GAME ANNOUNCER: And spread diseases the Aztec's have never experiencded!

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Ten million Aztecs wiped out. Game over.

(GAME ANNOUNCER READING)

It's true, the Aztecs didn't stand much of a chance against

the superior Spanish weaponry, but they stood no chance whatsoever

against the Spanish germs.

Their bodies had no defence against smallpox,

and it practically wiped the Aztecs out.

Do you know, if I am honest, I'd rather just do the funnies.

Can we not get a badger or something to do the serious stuff.

(MAN READING)

We Romans had enemies all over Europe.

We couldn't understand what they were saying

because we didn't speak the same language. To us, when they talk,

they just sounded like, "Bah, bah, bah..."

So we called them all Barbarians

even though there were lots of different tribes.

ANNOUNCER: In this week's Danke Magazine it's our barbarian fashion special.

Find out what's in and what's and what's out for all the leading German tribes.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Red hair is definitely in!

Not only is my red hair beautiful, but it is also a sign of fierceness.

Plus keeping it long gives me magic powers! How sassy!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

We Franks like to shave our hair at the back

and have a fringe at the front. Well, it's important to

look your best when you're the last thing

a Roman soldier is ever going to see. (LAUGHS)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Yo, yo. For a design that's

going to get you noticed at the parties,

why not accessorise your belts, like us Alans do,

with the severed heads of your enemies?

Let me show you how. Only in this week's Danke Magazine.

ANNOUNCER: And grooming tips you thoughtthe Burgundians wouldn't tell.

How do I keep my hair so glossy?

I put butter in it. That's why I look good enough to eat. Ouch!

And there's more. I'll show you how to keep your horse warm

with this designer Alan blanket, made from the skin of your enemies.

-Mm, smells good. -ANNOUNCER: Wow, that sounds great. Thanks, Alan.

No, my name is not Alan. My name Frank. I'm from the Alan tribe.

-ANNOUNCER: Sorry. -It's OK.

And I'm Alan the Frank.

Really? No, I make the joke!

(LAUGHS) My name's actually Helmut,

-You want to go on the belt? I have room. -Oh, he's hideous.

ANNOUNCER: All this and lots, lots more, only in this week's Danke Magazine.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

(WOMAN READING)

The answer is...

Emperor Honourius hid in his country mansion with his pet chickens

when Rome finally fell. But the invading Goths turned out

not to be as destructive as he might have feared.

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh, come on, Lucius.

Rome will have fallen by the time you make your move.

Rome has fallen!

-What did I just say? -The days of the Roman empire, are finally at an end.

Now, the Goth tribes rule Rome.

-(ALL CHEERING) -Yeah! Et cetera.

Soon, we shall be tearing down the great buildings of your empire,

filling it with crudely-built mud huts.

-(ALL CHEERING) -Although, now that you say it out loud,

-it just feels like a waste. -Could we not at least have kept the Colosseum?

Yeah, I suppose we could keep that.

The aqueduct is handy for carrying the fresh water around the city.

Yeah, I was going to say aqueduct, actually, you know.

We need a fresh water supply. We're not animals. Is that not right, Neil?

So, we're just tearing down the houses, then?

-Of course we are! -(ALL CHEER)

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What is this? Er, it is stone, yeah?

-Mm. -You know, I like it.

I have an idea. Isn't it easier just to move into

these houses rather than smash them down ad build new mud ones, yeah?

So let me get this straight, we are only going to smash the statues, then.

-Yeah, of course, smash them. -(ALL CHEERING)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, I like the statues, they really hold the room together.

I tell you what, we're going to keep the arenas,

the plumbing, the freshwater works, of course, the houses, the statues

and anything else of artistic and cultural significance, yeah?

Er, so what are you going to be destroying then, exactly?

I tell you what we are going to be destroying exactly.

Neil, the jug. (LAUGHS EVILLY)

No, no, no, no, no, no, not the big one, I like the big one. The little one.

-(CLATTERING) -Whoops.

(GOTHS SNICKERING)

So we're just stealing stuff?

Of course we're going to steal stuff! But first of all...

Wow, I stin. Hot sausage!

-Who's for a Roman bath? -Yeah!

Your face!

Goth buffoons.

Still, your go, Lucius.

(EXCLAIMS)

(MAN READING)

In Stuart times, we had some pretty odd ways of

finding out how the human body works.

-(KNOCKING) -Come in.

Am I not in already?

-No, no, anything this side of the tree is in. -Ah, fair enough.

Ah, hello there.

-You must be my new apprentice. -Indeed, and you must be Dr Harvey.

Indeed I am, indeed I am. Welcome to my surgery.

Yes, it's, um...

It's very...

It's a field.

Indeed it is, but not just any old field, it's a battlefield.

What? Well, there is a civil war going on, you know.

In fact, I think the battle should be starting any moment.

-(EXPLOSION) -Ah, there it is.

Well, don't just stand there, get down, you fool!

What, and miss all the action?

(LAUGHS) No, I don't think so.

The battlefield is one of the very best places to study

the inner workings of the human body.

-You can't be serious! -For example, take this arm here.

See how the blood runs through it. And spurts out of it.

This entirely supports my theory that the blood is pumped around

the body in a continuous loop, a circulatory system if you like,

powered by the heart, it's absolutely fascinating.

You spend the battle studying anatomy?

Oh, of course not, no.

No, most of the time, ah, I like to read.

Now then, where was I?

This is madness, I'm getting out of here.

Taking a little break, are you? Oh, good idea.

Hm, could do with a little nap myself.

Ah. Ah, hmm, no blankets, that's a shame.

Oh, that's much better, yes, nice and warm.

Sorry, chaps, would you mind keeping the noise down?

Some of us are trying to sleep

(SOLDIERS CLAMOURING)

That's true, Dr William Harvey really did prove

that blood circulates round the body, from studying the body parts

left over after English Civil War battles.

So, a big hand for Dr William Harvey, please.

And a severed arm and a couple of legs! (LAUGHS)

And if you want to find out more about the English Civil War,

check out this lot.

(RHYTHMIC FINGER SNAPPING)

* We are the Roundheads We don't want kings no more

* That's why we started the English Civil War

* People say we're no fun But we disagree

* Especially when explaining Parliamentary democracy!

* We are particularly excited by notions of jurisprudence

* That's enough dullness, we're the Cavalier crew

* Supporting King Charles and everything that he'll do

* Puritans bore us, it's really a crime

* When your parliamentary business cuts are partying time

* Roundheads, soundheads, keep the music down heads,

* Rules and regulations led, dull but fair

* Cavaliers three cheers, wackier head gears,

* We live to boogie with our peers Unfair? Don't care!

* I am the king, I can do what I like

* Start up a war, or a big tax hike.

* Got a French wife, she's a catholic

* Oh, law!

* Really King Charles, we're not quite sure!

* Insolence! Is that how you talk to the Crown,

* I am the King, I'll just close Parliament down

* I'll think you find, that's in breach of due process

* Here's what we say to that Now clear up this mess!

* Roundheads, soundheads, witches should be drowned heads,

* Don't believe in crowned heads, Parliament's our thing

* Cavaliers three cheers, your superiors,

* We're all toffs who cry "Here, Here" and "God Save The King"

* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

* Cavaliers! Roundheads! The English Civil War!

-* Why is it called "civil" -* May I kill you, please?

* Sure!

* Love civil wars, to be fought on this land,

* If I get to power, Christmas will be banned

* No chance Cromwell, victory will be mine,

* You'll never pass a ban on mince pies and mulled wine

* That's what you think, just wait 'til you're caught,

* I'll also scrap theatre, music and sport.

* Your pathetic war will finish even before it's begun,

* We've taken Charles prisoner, the Roundheads have won!

-Oh. -* Victory, three cheers

* Cavaliers in tears

* No power for years, I'm the leader of the pack!

* Charles head Roundhead, hurrah now the king's dead,

* Sins binned, instead a righteous track.

* But we'll be back!

* Tall tales, Atrocious acts,

* We gave you all the fearsome facts

* The ugly truth no glam or glee

* We showed you all the juicy bits

* Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

* Stuff they don't teach you at school

* The past is no longer a mystery

* Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories *