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1
00:00:02,767 --> 00:00:05,467
*Terrible Tudors, gorgeous
Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile
Victorians
2
00:00:05,467 --> 00:00:08,267
*Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
3
00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:10,800
*Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful
Egyptians
4
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,500
*Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
5
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,567
*Romans, rotten, rank and
ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce
and toothless
6
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:19,200
*Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:24,333
*Gory stories, we do that
And your host, a talking rat
8
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:27,867
*The past is no longer a
mystery Welcome to...
9
00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:32,000
*Horrible Histories.
10
00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:42,467
(MALE CHORAL SINGING)
11
00:00:42,467 --> 00:00:44,367
-Could you pass me the ink pot,
please, Brother Terry.
-Shh!
12
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:49,033
-Thank you very much indeed.
-SHHH!
13
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,267
AAARGH!
14
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:54,433
SHHH!
15
00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:55,600
Sorry.
16
00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:01,533
(ALL SHOUT IN ATTACK)
17
00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:04,867
Whoa, you don't want to do that!
Give me one good reason why not.
18
00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:07,633
-I'm writing a history book
about our island monastery.
-A history book?!
19
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:09,900
Er, boring.
20
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,533
-Boredom!
-Actually, it's very important.
21
00:01:12,533 --> 00:01:15,233
This book is going to
be handed down for
generations to come.
22
00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:18,267
If you kill me now no-one will
know of your heroic exploits.
23
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:20,267
-You want to be famous,
don't you?
-Yeah... i mean...
24
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:20,767
-You're Eric, right?
-Yep.
25
00:01:22,733 --> 00:01:28,433
That's just not going to cut it.
How about, "Eric The Fierce..."
Yeah?
26
00:01:28,433 --> 00:01:33,567
Like it."..Tore into the monk's
room, over six feet tall."
27
00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,733
That's good!
28
00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:38,600
Write about my biceps.
All right.
29
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:42,133
"Rippling biceps..."
30
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:47,167
Do me, do some stuff about me.
"Swiftly followed by..."
31
00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:51,167
Olaf The Terrifying, I think.
"..Olaf The Terrifying.
32
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:54,333
"Also six foot tall."
33
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:57,500
Er, make, make me bigger,
put seven foot. What?!
34
00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,267
That's not true,
he's clearly not seven foot.
35
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:03,367
He is now, cos I've just written
it down in the history book,
mate.
36
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:06,300
All right, write, "Eric The
Fierce killed the most monks."
37
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,333
Well, that's not true either.
Oh...well, it might be.
38
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:13,967
Did he get that last bit down?
Erm...
39
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:17,867
Who am I kidding?
Vikings can't read.
40
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:21,533
Some lovely pictures though,
look at that! Oh, look at the
little bunny.
41
00:02:21,533 --> 00:02:25,767
It's true. Vikings didn't write
things down, so much of what
42
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:29,433
we know about famous Viking
warriors comes from books
written by monks.
43
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:32,267
Monks were the only people who
could read and write,
44
00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:35,233
which also meant that
were highly prized as slaves.
45
00:02:35,233 --> 00:02:38,200
Hi there, we've just come
back from a Viking raid where
46
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,967
we nicked loads of monks,
which is great news for you
47
00:02:40,967 --> 00:02:45,600
if you're looking for a nice,
well-behaved monk slave
because...
48
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,533
(MUSIC)
*We sell any monk
Any, any, any, any, any monk
49
00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:50,733
*We sell any monk
50
00:02:50,733 --> 00:02:52,167
*Fat ones, slim ones
Bright ones, dim ones
51
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:54,100
*We sell any monk.
52
00:02:56,467 --> 00:03:00,367
Yes, and you can use your monk
slave for all sorts of everyday
chores,
53
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:02,867
such as wall building
to manure spreading,
54
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:07,467
from peat digging to manure
spreading, and don't forget...
55
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:10,567
*We sell any monk
Any, any, any, any, any monk
56
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,833
*We sell any monk
57
00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:16,000
*One to read, one to write
Not much good in a fight
58
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,700
*We sell any monk.
59
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:24,533
Based in the new
Viking city of Dublin,
60
00:03:24,533 --> 00:03:28,033
our market place offers an
extensive range of top quality
monk slaves.
61
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:31,633
From Scotland, Ireland
and Cornwall and we sell
62
00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:36,233
to satisfied customers all over
Europe and as far away as Italy.
63
00:03:36,233 --> 00:03:39,500
*We sell any monk
Any, any, any, any, any monk.
64
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,167
*Nice ones, grim ones,
Chopped off a limb ones.*
65
00:03:41,167 --> 00:03:43,400
-Aa-oww!
-Sorry.
66
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:48,767
We sell any monk, any size,
any age, any look, any price
67
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,800
from five silver coins to a big
gold plate, we sell any monk.
68
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,700
And cut!
69
00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:56,700
Aa-oow!
70
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:57,867
Erm, I meant, "That's a wrap."
71
00:03:57,867 --> 00:03:59,800
Oh! Sorry.
72
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:08,800
No, I don't know why your dog
can't dance...
73
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,033
Because he's got two left feet.
All dogs have two left feet.
74
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,100
Is this some kind of joke?
75
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,367
Good day to you, madam.
Hello, how can I help you?
76
00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:19,367
I require a dozen pigeons.
77
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:22,100
Right, that shouldn't be
a problem, any particular type?
78
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:25,500
I care not, but could you
break their wings so they
can't fly, properly
79
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,167
makes them an awful lot easier
to shoot! I find.
80
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,867
(HE IMITATES GUNFIRE)
81
00:04:28,867 --> 00:04:31,133
Look, I sell pets,
I don't hurt them first.
82
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:33,767
Shame, as I also require a dog.
83
00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:37,433
To cook it, I suppose, for some
horrible Victorian dinner party.
84
00:04:37,433 --> 00:04:40,567
How dare you, I assure you the
dog would be very well looked
after.
85
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:42,700
All right then, fine.
86
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,067
After all, it would need to be
in peak condition if it's going
87
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,067
to fight a box of rats for
money.
88
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:49,400
Oh, and I need a box of rats.
No!
89
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,400
Fine!
90
00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:55,733
I don't suppose you have a bear
whose face I could shave
91
00:04:55,733 --> 00:04:58,600
so I could sell it to a
fairground as a pig-faced lady?
92
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:03,733
No pigeons, no dogs, no rats,
no pig-faced lady bears.
93
00:05:03,733 --> 00:05:05,633
Do you stock anything?
94
00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:08,300
Hello, sir.
95
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:10,400
Good day, madam, I require a...
96
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,367
Now look get out!
I've had enough trouble
with him.
97
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:15,800
I'm not selling any more animals
to Victorians to be mistreated.
98
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,000
How dare you?! I am the second
Baron Rothschild,
99
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,867
I am famous for my GOOD
treatment of animals.
100
00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:25,467
Am I not the man whose carriage
is drawn by four much-loved
Zebras?
101
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:29,100
Who shares his supper
with 12 pet chimpanzees?
102
00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:33,000
Who allows snakes free
run of his ornamental staircase?
103
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,100
Well, in which case,
what can I get you?
104
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:39,733
Do you have a bear that
slaps ladies' bottoms?
105
00:05:39,733 --> 00:05:43,267
No. But I do have a frog...
106
00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:46,200
-Interesting creature.
-That slaps Victorians' faces!
107
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,867
How dare you, madam?
108
00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:50,900
Go on, get out the pair of you.
109
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,833
I have never been so insulted
by a woman with a frog!
110
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:54,333
Get out.
111
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,067
I have once.
112
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,133
The second Baron Rothschild's
mansion
113
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,733
really did feature pet chimps,
114
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:05,700
a bear who slapped ladies
bottoms, snakes around the
banisters
115
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:08,233
and a carriage pulled by zebras.
116
00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:11,300
"Oh, see you later, darling,
I'm just off to the zoo.
117
00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:13,333
"Oh, hold on,
I already live in the zoo!"
118
00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:15,700
(HE LAUGHS)
119
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:19,300
Of course, most Victorian
carriages were pulled by horses
120
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,900
and that had its own problems.
121
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:25,933
'The Victorian traffic report
now. Here's Abigail
Tightcorset.'
122
00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:29,300
It's bad news, I'm afraid, if
you're planning to travel in
London today
123
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:31,633
as the conditions in the road
are very hazardous.
124
00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:34,833
It's the 1890s and the narrow
streets of the city are packed
125
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:37,833
with buses and cabs, all of
which are pulled by horses,
126
00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:40,733
so you can expect to see
massive pile-ups of horse dung
127
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,667
here, here and here.
128
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:46,600
In fact, hundreds of tons
of horse dung
129
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,767
will pour all over the streets
of London over the next 24 hours
130
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:54,867
leading to very slippery
conditions underfoot, so please
do be careful.
131
00:06:54,867 --> 00:06:58,400
The authorities are doing what
they can to clear up the
situation
132
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,133
and you should be seeing young
boys,
133
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:04,633
all over the city shovelling
up that horse poo.
134
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,333
You should be able to see
them because they'll be
wearing red jumpers,
135
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:10,633
so they'll be easy to spot
and won't get run over.
136
00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:13,667
I say red, but by now, those
jumpers are going to be brown
137
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,833
or reddy-brown, at least.
138
00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:19,500
There are reports of an
overflowing sewer on Regent
Street,
139
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,433
so at least that road will be
a bit cleaner now.
140
00:07:22,433 --> 00:07:23,467
Good night.
141
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,200
Our Tudor money system
was very complicated,
142
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,100
very, very complicated indeed.
143
00:07:40,233 --> 00:07:43,400
-Hello!
-Hi, mate.
144
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,300
IN A FRENCH ACCENT:
I'd like to buy some
English money please.
145
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,433
-Oh, straight off the boat are
we?
-How can you tell?
146
00:07:48,967 --> 00:07:49,633
Oh, it's a gift.
147
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:54,567
Right, how many sovereigns,
pounds, crowns, shillings,
148
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:57,900
angels, farthings, groats
and pennies would you like, sir?
149
00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:02,967
-Pardon?
-It's quite simple, you
got your penny, halfpenny,
150
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:05,233
you got your farthing - a
quarter of a penny.
Four pennies is a groat.
151
00:08:05,233 --> 00:08:07,800
-A goat?
-A groat.
152
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,833
Two pennies is half a groat,
12 pennies is a shilling.
153
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:13,533
So six pennies is half a
shilling, no?
154
00:08:13,533 --> 00:08:18,400
No, six pennies is sixpence,
obviously. Or three half groats.
155
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,267
-Now, this is your half crown.
-Which is two shillings?
156
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:24,300
No, it's two shillings and
sixpence. Or a quarter angel,
157
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,067
which is a 120 pennies,
which is ten shillings, yeah?
158
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,233
Half an angel, that's 60
pennies, which is a crown,
159
00:08:29,233 --> 00:08:31,333
which is five shillings.
160
00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:34,833
-Now, ten shillings...
-Is an angel?
-No, it's half a pound.
161
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:38,400
-A pound?
-No, half a pound,
it's also an angel, yeah,
162
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,967
but it's 120 pennies,
which is half of 240 pennies
163
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:44,133
which is a pound.
It's also 20 shillings.
164
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,500
It's simple, I don't
know what the problem is. Here.
165
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:50,433
OK, well, I will take, um,
30 shillings. Right.
166
00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:53,100
-There you go.
-What,
what is that?
167
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:56,767
It's a sovereign.
It's worth 30 shillings.
168
00:08:56,767 --> 00:09:00,133
-Er, I, er...
-Do you want me
to go over it again?
169
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:03,133
-Oui, I think that would
be best.
-Right...
170
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,433
Did you know, decimalised money,
171
00:09:06,433 --> 00:09:08,900
where you count in tens
and hundreds,
172
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,700
didn't come to Britain until
1971?
173
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:15,100
I wouldn't like to do the sums
for Tudor money, maths is not my
thirte.
174
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,500
Oh, I mean forte. Haha!
175
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,433
Huh yes, there were lots of
weird Tudor coins
176
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,667
and lots of weird Tudor laws,
as well.
177
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:27,833
Sir William is here to see you,
Your Majesty. Then send him in.
178
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:29,767
Enter!
179
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,867
-Good day to you, Your Majesty.
-Guard! Arrest this man.
180
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:38,500
On what charge?
181
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:42,333
-Not wearing a woolly hat.
-You're not wearing a
woolly hat.
182
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:46,033
Of course I'm not wearing a
woolly hat, they look
ridiculous.
183
00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:50,300
I have passed a law stating that
everybody should wear woolly
hats on Sundays.
184
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,467
It is to support
the English wool trade.
185
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,600
I happen to have a spare, my
lady.
186
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,900
Ta-dah!
187
00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:00,200
Oh, Cecil,
what would we do without you?
188
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:09,267
I'll start again. Good day to
you, Your Majesty. Guard!
What now?
189
00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:13,267
-Arrest this man.
-On what charge?
-Wearing a cloak.
190
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:18,167
-You're wearing a cloak.
-Yes, I'mwearing a clock,
it's cold.
191
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:21,767
I have passed a law banning
cloaks, so that my courtiers
192
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,133
can reach their swords quicker,
should anyone wish to attack me.
193
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:30,967
Is everybody happy now?
194
00:10:30,967 --> 00:10:32,333
-Good day to you.
-Guard!
-Odds bodkins!
195
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,867
-Arrest this man.
-On what charge?!
196
00:10:37,867 --> 00:10:41,733
-Wearing purple.
-I thought it was
rather fetching.
197
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:45,800
I have passed a law stating that
purple cloth or any other cloth
198
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:51,067
embroidered with gold or silver
can only be worn by Barons,
Viscounts
199
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,900
or higher nobility.
200
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:57,400
And you, SIR William
are only a knight.
201
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,167
Happy now?
202
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:07,067
Cecil, there appears to be a
naked man in my throne room.
203
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:10,033
-There does indeed,
Your Majesty.
-Is there a law against it?
204
00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:12,667
Not yet, Your Majesty, not yet.
205
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,867
Hello and welcome
to Aztec Gardeners World.
206
00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:30,733
So today we're going to be
showing you a sure-fire way
207
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,333
to make your crops flourish
with the Aztec sprinkler system.
208
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,267
Sounds boring if you ask me!
209
00:11:35,267 --> 00:11:38,300
Yeah, but nobody asked you
though, did they?
210
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:42,467
So we're going to need some
tools. (HE YAWNS)
211
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:46,333
You need a bow and plenty of
arrows. Oh, that's more like it!
212
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,233
We're going to need some red
paint
213
00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:51,167
and of course,
a person to sacrifice.
214
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:55,367
An enemy warrior is best, but an
annoying assistant will do.
215
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,467
You're kidding...
You're kidding, right?
216
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,400
So, first of all,
217
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,733
you need to paint a nice, big,
red spot directly over his
heart.
218
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,100
OK...
219
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,800
This is important because you
don't want an arrow to hit his
heart.
220
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,600
Right!
221
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,433
That way,
he would die far too quickly.
222
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,067
What you need is the first dozen
or so arrows
223
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:18,700
to hit different parts
of his body,
224
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,400
ethat way the blood from the
wounds will spray out in all
different directions,
225
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,400
a bit like an Aztec sprinkler
system,
226
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,500
making the earth richer
for your crops.
227
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:29,733
He's gone, hasn't he?
228
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,467
Join me next week when
I'll be telling you how to get
229
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:37,033
the sun to shine directly
onto your garden,
230
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:40,700
by sacrificing 10,000 people
to the sun god.
231
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:43,700
We all know who's going to be
first, in line.
232
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,633
Bye-bye for now.
233
00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:51,433
Angry Aztec priests would
sacrifice about 50,000 victims a
year!
234
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:54,633
That's nothing - I can kill that
many fleas just by having a
bath.
235
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:57,800
Ou-ou-ou-ouch! Just kidding,
guys, you know I'd never have a
wash!
236
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,000
Yes, those Aztecs did
an awful lot of sacrificing.
237
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,300
'Don't miss this year's
must-have board game, Aztec
Whodunnit-o.
238
00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:11,100
'See if you can work who's
to blame for the murder.'
239
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,567
Was it the high priest,
with the sacrificial dagger,
240
00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:15,400
on top of the pyramid?
241
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,867
Yes, it was!
242
00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:18,800
Not over yet.
243
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,400
'With thousands of sacrifices
to the sun god every week,
244
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,667
it's a game you can play
again...'
245
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:25,967
Was it the high priest,
with the sacrificial dagger,
246
00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:27,000
on top of the pyramid?
247
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,333
Yes, it was!
248
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,667
I'll go out on a limb here -
was it the high priest,
249
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:35,233
with the sacrificial dagger,
on top of the pyramid?
250
00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:38,167
-Yes, it was.
-Get in!
251
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,200
-Come on, Mum.
-Come on, Linda.
252
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,533
OK, don't hurry me.
253
00:13:42,533 --> 00:13:46,500
Was it the emperor, with
the club, in the throne room?
254
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:49,200
No, it was the...
255
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:53,900
ALL: High priest, with the
sacrificial dagger,
on top of the pyramid!
256
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,367
Silly mummy.
257
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,033
'Aztec Whodunnit-o. Hours of
gruesome fun for all the family.
258
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:13,200
*We're Aztec priests
So mind your head.
259
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,600
*Our prisoners always wind up
dead Our favourite colour is
blood-red
260
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,567
*We're not nice
261
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,100
*At an Aztec temple's opening
day
262
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,433
*We priests would please
Our gods this way
263
00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:27,233
*Hearts of venom means we'd
slay Mass sacrifice
264
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:29,367
*To win at war,
may crops grow more
265
00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:31,500
*To cure our kids when ill
266
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,667
*The sun to shine
This song to rhyme
267
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,433
*More victims we must kill
268
00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:38,200
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
269
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,900
*You won't survive
You won't survive
270
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,433
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
271
00:14:42,433 --> 00:14:44,033
*Ain't stayin' alive
Ain't stayin' alive
272
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:46,467
*Yeah
273
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:48,500
*We'll sacrifice
We priests appease
274
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:51,033
*Our gods each powerful
big cheese
275
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:52,633
*Let's hear it for your
Favourites please
276
00:14:52,633 --> 00:14:54,967
*Ahh-ahhh
277
00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:57,367
*We're doing it for Toci!
278
00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:59,267
*The Aztec goddess
of the earth's heart
279
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:01,900
*We're doing it for Chantico!
280
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,700
*Goddess who makes volcanoes
start
281
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,700
*We're doing it for Itzli!
282
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,933
*The goddess of stone knives
283
00:15:07,933 --> 00:15:10,000
*We're doing it for...
284
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,167
(THEY SING GARBLED NAMES)
285
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,133
*Some other gods great lives
286
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:18,400
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
287
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,433
*Don't cross us
Aztecs we advise ya
288
00:15:20,433 --> 00:15:22,667
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
289
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,800
*Or you'll end up as fertiliser
290
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,700
*Yeah
291
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:29,200
*Our year starts in November
292
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,367
*When every priestly member
293
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:32,833
*Is asked if they'll remember
294
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,433
*Our Aztec dead
295
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:37,467
*We do this if you haven't
guessed
296
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:39,767
*By getting something
off your chest
297
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:43,800
*Your heart would probably be
best Or else your head
298
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,800
*And then on our year planners
299
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,700
*It's the raising
of the banners
300
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,067
*And it's only polite manners
301
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:53,100
*To kill more guys
302
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:57,133
*December and January
Dismembering methods vary
303
00:15:57,133 --> 00:16:01,333
*All you need to know
Is that we pile 'em high
304
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:05,467
*May and June it's summertime
The killing is easy
305
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,167
*It's only halfway
through the year
306
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,900
*Bet your feeling queasy
307
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:14,367
*In autumn time we sweep our
homes And kill some more but
then
308
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:18,133
*By late October the killings
over Then it starts up again
309
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:20,400
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
310
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,933
*You won't survive
You won't survive
311
00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:24,467
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
312
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,633
*Ain't stayin' alive
Ain't stayin' alive
313
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:28,733
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
314
00:16:28,733 --> 00:16:30,500
*Want to live until you're old
315
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,000
*Ha, ha, ha, ha
316
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,033
*Avoid us priests
You've been told.*
317
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,167
Not all of the troops fighting
in the trenches in World War One
318
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,467
were quite what you'd expect.
319
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:53,300
Sergeant, I thought I'd make a
quick spot inspection while
it's, erm...
320
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:57,433
Nice and safe while the enemy
aren't shooting at us, sir?
321
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,400
Well, yes. I thought I'd take a
look at our front line troops.
322
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,900
British fighting man's
the best in the world!
What?
323
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:06,733
Yes, indeed, sir. Well, the,
erm, MEN are ready for you, sir.
324
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:07,767
Oh, very good.
325
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:13,567
Attention!
326
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:19,467
Sergeant, they appear to be
women and a boy.
327
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:22,833
Yes, sir, but only physically
sir. Legally they're men.
328
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,267
I've seen their sign-up papers.
329
00:17:25,267 --> 00:17:27,500
They all clearly lied
when they signed up, then.
Didn't they?
330
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:30,200
I mean, this one here's
practically a child.
331
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,600
According to his papers he's 36
and married with three children.
332
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:39,133
Let's face it sir, the British
army's so desperate for soldiers
we'll let anyone in.
333
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:42,633
Well, what happens when a great
strapping German division
attacks? Mm? What happens then?
334
00:17:42,633 --> 00:17:44,800
We're about to find out, sir,
they're in the trench.
335
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,900
Here they come.
336
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,467
What on earth is going on,
sergeant?
337
00:17:52,467 --> 00:17:55,867
It seems the Germans
have a similar situation,
338
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,033
their army's packed
full of pensioners.
339
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:04,767
I think he died of old age.
340
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:08,767
Well, keep up the good work.
Carry on men...women...boys.
341
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:10,333
That's the spirit, sir.
342
00:18:13,433 --> 00:18:16,000
(WOMAN SPEAKING)
343
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:29,733
The answer is C...
344
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,633
..and lice weren't the only
problem
345
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:37,100
in the trenches.
346
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:41,400
HHTV games presents, the
ultimate World War One trench
experience,
347
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,267
Splat That Rat.
348
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,567
Your trench is infested with
rats, carrying disease
349
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:46,900
and stealing your food.
350
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:50,267
It's time to Splat That Rat.
351
00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:53,967
'Level one. Select bait -
processed meat, cheese,
352
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,233
'manky old stale bread.
353
00:18:56,233 --> 00:18:59,033
'Manky old stale bread selected.
354
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:03,333
'Level one. Weapon - spade.
Bonus gadget - torch.'
355
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:06,600
It's night time. Scatter the
bait on the ground and wait till
356
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,333
you hear the rats arrive, then
turn on the torch and Splat That
Rat.
357
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,033
Gotcha!
358
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:16,433
Oh, that's my foot!
359
00:19:16,433 --> 00:19:19,867
'Level two. Bonus weapon -
cordite explosive.'
360
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,933
This time you have to smoke 'em
out.
361
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:25,500
Put the cordite at the entrance
to the rat hole and light it.
362
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:28,300
The smoke will drive out those
rats so you can splat 'em!
363
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,067
'Warning - do not use too much
cordite.'
364
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:32,967
Now she tells me.
365
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:36,767
'Level three.
Select bait - cheese selected.
366
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:40,533
'Level three. Weapon - rifle.
Bonus weapon - bayonet.'
367
00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:43,333
Place the bayonet
on the end of your rifle,
368
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:45,667
put the cheese on the end
of the bayonet,
369
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,733
then wait till a rat begins
to nibble on the cheese
370
00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,833
and pull the trigger.
371
00:19:49,833 --> 00:19:52,267
'Warning, make sure rifle isn't
aimed at fellow soldier.'
372
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:54,767
ARGH! That's my foot!
373
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,900
Sorry.
374
00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:59,100
Right stop this sketch,
stop the sketch!
375
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:01,433
That's huge!
376
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,967
Honestly, who wants to hear how
they killed rats in the
trenches?
377
00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:06,233
You might well run away!
378
00:20:06,233 --> 00:20:08,833
A line of decency has most
definitely been crossed here,
379
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,900
if there's any more nonsense
like this,
380
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,767
I shall be writing a stiff
letter of complaint to the Daily
Mail!
381
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:15,367
You know I will. You know I
will!
382
00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:25,133
In today's busy Roman Empire,
383
00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,167
nothing is more important
than staying in touch,
384
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,367
which is why you need...
385
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,033
Tabellarii Messenger,
da-da-da-da, what is your
message?
386
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:41,967
"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R
smiley face."
387
00:20:41,967 --> 00:20:46,033
"Hi Hels my BFF TLK L8R
smiley face."
388
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:49,533
Perfect. Send.
389
00:20:49,533 --> 00:20:53,100
Our unique network of straight
roads reaching around the Roman
Empire,
390
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:56,400
means with Tabellarii it's never
been quicker to connect with
people.
391
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,667
Tabellarii Messenger,
da-da-da-da.
392
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:05,033
Message reads, "Hi Hels my BFF
TLK L8R smiley face."
393
00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:07,533
Reply with, "GR8."
394
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:10,633
Is that it? Yeah, send.
395
00:21:10,633 --> 00:21:13,400
So whether it's business...
396
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,133
"Enemy's approaching. Send help.
Send reinforcements." Send!
397
00:21:17,133 --> 00:21:18,833
..or just a friendly chat.
398
00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:23,200
"OMG YG2BK winking smiley..."
399
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,500
The Tabellarii are always
there at the bargain price
400
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,733
of a little food and water a
month for unlimited messages.
401
00:21:28,733 --> 00:21:30,600
Tabellarius!
402
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,000
Tabellarius!
403
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,367
And like all slaves, the
Tabellarii come with a life-long
contract.
404
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:39,533
Oh, no! Heart attack, sad face.
405
00:21:39,533 --> 00:21:42,367
Which expires once
you've worked them to death.
406
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:45,000
Oh, no. I think he's
run out of juice.
407
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,100
Who are you?
408
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,133
Bing-bong-bung-bing, free
upgrade. Smiley face.
409
00:21:55,533 --> 00:21:58,333
As well as our sophisticated
Tabellarii messaging system,
410
00:21:58,333 --> 00:22:00,467
us Romans were also hot on
security.
411
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:04,600
So to help keep the peace, the
gates of Rome were heavily
guarded.
412
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:09,667
Stop looking so nervous, you'll
draw attention to yourself.
413
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,400
Easy for you to say, you're not
smuggling weapons into the city.
414
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,433
We've got to get them
in there somehow.
I mean
415
00:22:16,433 --> 00:22:18,767
How else will we overthrow
the Emperor without weapons?!
416
00:22:18,767 --> 00:22:19,633
If they catch me they'll kill
me.
417
00:22:21,333 --> 00:22:24,833
Listen, you'll be fine, no-one's
going to know you're a soldier,
418
00:22:24,833 --> 00:22:26,967
the guards won't
give you a second look.
419
00:22:26,967 --> 00:22:30,367
-Now, are you ready?
-No.
-Good lad.
420
00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:37,833
Spot check, sir.
421
00:22:37,833 --> 00:22:40,200
-Sorry?
-Spot check,
Emperor Constantine's orders.
422
00:22:41,767 --> 00:22:44,733
Apparently some dangerous
elementsare attempting
to gain entry
423
00:22:44,733 --> 00:22:48,367
to the great city of Rome, so
we're just doing a few
random checks.
424
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,000
-You don't mind if I look in the
bag, sir?
-Erm, actually...
425
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:55,567
It won't take a moment.
(HE WHISTLES)
426
00:22:55,567 --> 00:22:58,733
Hello, what have we here?
Swords?
427
00:22:58,733 --> 00:23:00,867
I can explain.
428
00:23:00,867 --> 00:23:04,333
-Spear tips!
-Yeah, about those.
-And daggers as well!
429
00:23:04,333 --> 00:23:06,400
It's not what it looks like.
430
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,933
You're not, by any chance,
in the army, are we, sir?
431
00:23:09,933 --> 00:23:11,367
No, honestly, I'm not.
432
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:17,567
-Well, that's all right then.
-What?
-That's all right.
433
00:23:17,567 --> 00:23:20,833
As long as you're not in the
army, no armed soldiers are
allowed
434
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:24,267
inside the city walls in case
they start some sort
of military rebellion,
435
00:23:24,267 --> 00:23:26,367
last thing we want is the
Emperor being overthrown, eh?
436
00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:28,033
(HE LAUGHS)
437
00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:30,367
So I'm guessing this lot is,
438
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,233
what is that, like self-defence
or something?
439
00:23:32,233 --> 00:23:34,700
Yeah, self-defence.
440
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:37,400
Right! Well you can be on your
way, unless you've anything
else to declare?
441
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,033
No, no, just these offensive
weapons.
442
00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:43,000
Unless I'm supposed
to declare my lunch?
443
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,667
Oh, don't tempt me sir,
don't temp me,
444
00:23:44,667 --> 00:23:47,667
on a long shift like this
I would murder a chicken leg.
445
00:23:47,667 --> 00:23:50,233
-Can't help you there, all I've
got is this sausage.
-Sausage!
446
00:23:50,233 --> 00:23:53,833
-You're under arrest, traitor.
-What?!
447
00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:56,667
Trying to bring sausages
into a civilised city like Rome
448
00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:59,467
is strictly forbidden
by Emperor Constantine himself!
449
00:23:59,467 --> 00:24:03,533
That is food of the barbarians,
it is beneath us.
450
00:24:03,533 --> 00:24:06,300
Falco, take this sausage
smuggler away and put him in a
cell.
451
00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:08,800
Wait, wait,
it's not really a sausage,
452
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:14,200
it's more of a frankfurter.
Think of it as a tubular burger.
Please!
453
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,533
It's true! Weapons were allowed
to be carried by body guards,
454
00:24:17,533 --> 00:24:20,067
so they could be taken into
Rome.
455
00:24:20,067 --> 00:24:24,367
But sometimes sausages were
banned! It was believed this
barbarian food
456
00:24:24,367 --> 00:24:28,367
would turn civilised
Romans into hairy barbarians.
457
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:30,533
Not that there's anything wrong
with being hairy.
458
00:24:36,467 --> 00:24:41,000
It's day one of
Medieval Come Dine With Me
459
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:45,267
and wealthy castlewife, Lady
Cranky Portcullis is finishing
her medieval banquet.
460
00:24:45,267 --> 00:24:48,267
Right, I've gone for the classic
meat and two meats,
461
00:24:48,267 --> 00:24:51,200
lamb, beef and hedgehog.
462
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,667
Hm, hm, hm, meaty!
There's just one problem.
463
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:55,267
It's not Friday today, is it?
464
00:24:55,267 --> 00:24:57,500
Doh!
465
00:24:57,500 --> 00:24:59,633
We can't eat meat on a Friday,
the church has banned it.
466
00:24:59,633 --> 00:25:01,233
Huh, silly, silly me!
467
00:25:04,233 --> 00:25:08,267
Right, where can one get some
fresh fish at such short notice?
468
00:25:08,267 --> 00:25:11,467
Oh, I know, the castle moat,
huh.
469
00:25:11,467 --> 00:25:13,833
A net should do it.
470
00:25:13,833 --> 00:25:17,567
Most of the fish are floating on
the surface for some reason,
anyway.
471
00:25:17,567 --> 00:25:21,533
Come on Lady Cranky,
the guests will be here soon.
Oh, they are here!
472
00:25:21,533 --> 00:25:24,433
And first in is lowly peasant
Cybil.
473
00:25:24,433 --> 00:25:27,600
-Hello!
-Can I just say,
I love your castle.
474
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:31,433
Oh! Oh! You've got an outdoor
shower!
475
00:25:31,433 --> 00:25:34,300
Oh! No, no, that'll be
one of the guards
476
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:37,133
weeing from the battlements.
Come on.
477
00:25:37,133 --> 00:25:39,333
Next is Marcus, a student monk.
478
00:25:39,333 --> 00:25:42,433
-Hello!
-Hello. H...
479
00:25:42,433 --> 00:25:45,700
Oh, dear...have you just
broken your vow of silence? Oh.
480
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:47,800
Oh, that is disgusting, I, oh...
481
00:25:50,833 --> 00:25:54,833
Last to arrive is Derek, who
commits the ultimate social faux
pas,
482
00:25:54,833 --> 00:25:56,967
of dying of the plague the
moment he steps through the
door.
483
00:25:56,967 --> 00:25:58,267
What an idiot.
484
00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:02,267
Oh! Get him off me, oh!
485
00:26:02,267 --> 00:26:05,833
Before dinner, Lady Cranky takes
Cybil on a tour of the castle.
486
00:26:05,833 --> 00:26:08,600
And this is the guardrobe.
487
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,800
Oh, what's one of those?
488
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,200
Oh, every good castle has one,
it's a sort of walk-in wardrobe,
489
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,767
kitted out with a special device
to keep the moths away.
490
00:26:16,767 --> 00:26:18,567
-A toilet.
-Do you mind?!
491
00:26:19,933 --> 00:26:23,067
Oh, fancy.
492
00:26:23,067 --> 00:26:25,767
Apparently, the moths can't
stand the smell so they keep
away
493
00:26:25,767 --> 00:26:27,933
and your clothes don't get
nibbled.
494
00:26:27,933 --> 00:26:30,900
Do you see, no more
embarrassing holes.
495
00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:32,867
No, just an embarrassing stink!
496
00:26:32,867 --> 00:26:34,633
Right, bon appetit!
497
00:26:37,933 --> 00:26:40,067
First impressions?
498
00:26:40,067 --> 00:26:43,667
Well, it does look and smell a
bit..
499
00:26:43,667 --> 00:26:47,133
-..pooey.
-This fish is fresh from
our moat.
500
00:26:47,133 --> 00:26:49,733
Yes, where it's been eating all
the sewage from the toilet, you
numpty.
501
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:51,167
-Marcus.
-Yes?
502
00:26:51,167 --> 00:26:52,700
Come on, say when.
503
00:26:54,667 --> 00:26:56,567
When. When!
504
00:26:56,567 --> 00:26:57,733
Good man!
505
00:26:57,733 --> 00:26:59,767
Erm, when! WHEN!
506
00:27:04,067 --> 00:27:06,600
Marcus, lost for words there.
507
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,967
Time for those all-important
scores.
508
00:27:08,967 --> 00:27:10,767
Well, I thought the food was...
509
00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:15,667
It's a two from Marcus.
510
00:27:15,667 --> 00:27:18,267
A nought from Cybil,
which just leaves Derek.
511
00:27:18,267 --> 00:27:22,167
It's a ten! Sort of.
512
00:27:22,167 --> 00:27:26,000
Marcus the monk's turn tomorrow
night. Hope everyone likes
bread and water.
513
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,567
* Tall tales,
Atrocious acts,
514
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:28,833
* We gave you all
the fearsome facts
515
00:27:28,833 --> 00:27:30,367
* The ugly truth no glam or glee
516
00:27:30,367 --> 00:27:30,567
* We showed you all
the juicy bits
517
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,700
* Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
518
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:37,167
* Stuff they don't teach you
at school
519
00:27:37,167 --> 00:27:40,267
* The past is no longer
a mystery
520
00:27:40,267 --> 00:27:44,067
* Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories *
42548
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