Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, Daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times!

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories ♪

[MAN READING]

If you were very rich in Tudor times,

then your diet tended to be, well, very rich.

Would you like a body like this?

I'll bet you would! Well, now you can, Thanks to...

[READING]

Just seven hours dedicated to feasting a day,

and you too could have a body to die for.

[READING]

With the Henry VIII Tudor Diet Plan, you get all of your five

a day- that's five massive portions of meat!

Ho-ho-ho! Of course, it's also important

to consume the right amount of vegetables.

That's none at all.

Rarr! Rah! Vegetables are for peasants!

Sometimes I get so hungry, I eat the plate. Mm!

Obviously, it's not a real plate. This one's made of pure sugar.

Water's important too.

It's important that you avoid it like the plague.

It's filthy! Seriously, Tudor water is filthy! Blah!

And finally, it's vitally important you don't take any exercise at all.

With all the rich food, you'll find it very difficult

to move around. Just sit on your throne and take it easy. PARP!

The Henry VIII's Tudor Diet Plan for weight watchers everywhere.

Just watch your weight go up and up!

[NARRATOR SPEAKING]

Posh Tudors believed uncooked vegetables were indigestible

and carried disease. Huh, as if!

Me, I always eat my greens.

Well, green slugs and caterpillars, anyway. Yummy!

Henry's dreadful diet meant he got massively overweight,

and he suffered from gout and diabetes,

and you really didn't want to get sick in the Tudor era.

Don't worry. Help's on its way.

BELL RINGING -I think that's probably them now.

-Make way! Make way!

-Historical paramedics. -Look, Jeff, a lady. -I concur.

-Shall I take her pulse? -No, she might need it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm sorry, are you sure you're qualified?

Even better. We're Tudors. Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I don't know. She said she didn't feel well in the supermarket,

and then we got outside, and she just fainted.

It sounds like she's suffering from... Sickness!

I concur we must act fast. You, sir!

-Are you a villain, a scoundrel, a rapscallion? - What?

We urgently need a criminal. This woman's life may depend upon it.

-Well, I stole a packet of biscuits once. -Ooh!

-Can we cut off your head, dry your skull,

and feed its powdered scrapings

to this lady?

Blast! He ran away before we could get an answer!

We've no time to lose. Shall we use spiders?

-Yes! -Do you have any butter?

Er, I have this low-fat cholesterol-busting olive oil spread.

I don't know what that means, but it'll have to do.

We simply cover the live spiders in butter,

and feed them to the patient, and bang! The sickness is gone!

-Oh, Jeff. -What?

-I forgot to feed the spiders. -Are you insane in ye brain?

We can't feed her dead, buttered spiders. That's just crazy.

-I know, I'm so sorry. -What else do you have?

-I do have this human bone. -Excellent! Bone marrow and

sweat, is a sure tonic for sickness. Madam,

may I rub this bone onto your armpit? Oh, she's gone.

Honestly, it's like these people don't want her to get better!

There's only one thing for it.

BOTH: Fustigation!

What's fustigation?

It's a very technical procedure. You may want to stand back.

We literally beat the sickness out of her.

But that's ridiculous!

-You can't do that! -Wait, wait!

-I hear wheezing. -Yes, she's got asthma.

-Do you have a frog in your throat? -No...

-Why ever not Madam? Nigel, put a frog in this lady's throat!

-What do you mean, a frog? -Don't worry, a dead frog in the

windpipe is the best cure for asthma! -Stop being so stupid!

This is all she needs. Here you are.

Oh! 'Tis witchcraft!

-Back away, witch! -Back away from the witch.

-I'll take the spread. -Use not your black magic on me, witch.

-Now run away! Run away! -Run away!

Oh no! Jane, bring the sponges.

Looks like they've tried the buttered spiders again.

[MAN READING]

Hello, and welcome to the Horrible Points of View.

We've a bit of a backlog here at the BBC,

and we've just got round to the correspondence from the Celtic era.

So let's have a look-see what's in the bulging postbag.

Oh, it's a severed Roman head! Why would you do that?

Thanks to whoever sent that in.

Actually, there are hardly any letters in the bag,

because in Celtic times, most people didn't write.

Stories were handed down by word of mouth,

usually in the form of poetry,

but we do have a couple here

from viewers who went along to see one Celtic poet perform.

[MAN READING]

A three hour poem!? Still, I suppose it's better than some of

the acts on Britain's Got Talent!

[HE SNIGGERS]

Other viewers wanted to know...

[WOMAN READING]

Well, who better to ask than the man himself.

To learn all my poems took twelve years or more.

My teacher would make me lie on the floor,

with a stone on my belly, a weird old sensation

and a bag on my head to aid concentration.

So why spend so long being treated like trash?

Cos a qualified poet earns loads of cash.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week and it's half price on Thursdays!

Imagine having to make everything rhyme?

I'd do it myself, but I haven't the time.

Come on, that was worth a smile.

Tough crowd. What?

Celtic poets really did take 12 years to learn all their poems.

Imagine their school timetable.

Poetry, poetry followed by double poetry, triple poetry and poetry.

The poets were the rock stars of their day

and they were well looked after wherever they went.

Shame the Celts weren't as nice to their animals.

I don't care if he does make a woolly jumper,

You shouldn't be conducting the kind of genetic research

that leads to crossing a sheep with a kangaroo.

Hello. Can I have a horse please, a fast one?

-For racing? -No, for eating. I'm an ancient

Celt, and we believe that by eating a fast horse it makes us faster runners.

Look, I'm sorry. This is a pet shop not the butcher's.

We sell smallish animals for the family.

Can I have a dog, please?

There you go! Certainly! What kind you after?

Oh, Labradoodles are very popular at the moment.

They're very affectionate, great for people without a GF.

-No, I'm after one that can tell me the future. -You want a talking dog?

No! Dogs don't talk, love, no.

But if you kill them and then eat their flesh, they will talk to you in a vision.

Yeah, go on, out you go! Go on! Walkies!

If I promise not to hurt it, can I have a dog, please?

-Do you promise? -Yeah.

I cross my heart and hope to die in battle,

and then be reborn, and then die again in battle.

Eurgh! And then be reborn, and then die again in battle.

No, look you shouldn't be in charge of scissors let alone pets!

Can I have a dog, please?

What kind are you after?

One with a massive tongue, so it'll lick this. Ah!

Yeah, well, Celts believe it'll heal the wound.

Well we're all out of dogs, sorry. Goodbye.

Can I have a cat, please?

I'm not going to sell you any pet that

you're either going to eat, kill, tell the future with,

-or get to lick your wounds. -No, I won't!

We think cats are lucky.

If I sell you a cat, will you clear off and never come back?

Yeah. As long as it's a quiet one,

cos I'm gonna to take it home, and I am gonna brick it up in the house walls.

What?

Oh, come on! You know the saying,

"Lucky cat in the walls, lucky home!"

[MAN READING]

Hello and welcome to The News At When.

When? The 1400s, when the kings of England ended up fighting

a gruesome war with their own relatives

for the right to the crown.

Here with more details is Bob Hale with the War of the Roses Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1453, and that right there is Henry the VI.

Though he could be called Henry The Sick, because, mentally he's rather ill.

So unwell in fact, that he can't run the country any more.

So his cousin, Richard Sillyname, turns up

and says he'll become Lord Protector, meaning he'll run

the country while the King is ill. What a lovely chap! Or is he?

You see, 50 years ago, Richard's great-great-grandpa, Richard II,

was kicked off the throne by Henry's great-great grandpa, Henry the IV.

So these two sides of the family aren't exactly best buddies.

Which is why the second Henry gets better, he takes back his

crown and, fearing that cousin Dicky might still be bearing a

bit of a grudge, has him kicked out of court. Boom! Good shot!

So what does Dicky do? Well, since Henry is from the

House of Lancaster, whose symbol is a red rose,

and since cousin Dicky is from the House of York,

whose symbol is a white rose, and since this report is on

the War of the Roses, well you can probably see where this

is going. Yep, it's war!

Dicky's men, the Yorkies, win the first battle

where Henry's Lancastrian Army run away. So fast, in fact,

that they leave poor old King Henry sitting all alone

in a tent having once again fallen ill. So once again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector,

and once again Henry gets better and once again, Dicky is kicked out of court.

Boom! Good shot.

Luckily, the Archbishop of Canterbury steps in

and sorts the whole thing out by inventing 'Love Day'

where the Yorkies and the Lancastrians walk through the

High Street holding hands. I'm not even making that bit up!

So now it's all peace and love and harmony and kissing,

Well, they're probably not the last one. And that is the end of that!

Or so we thought! 1459 and Dicky tries again but fails.

Yes, this is the Yorkies' turn to run away this time,

but clearly not all that far away, because the very next year they try yet again!

The Battle of Northampton this time, where the Yorkies win,

and the Lancastrians run away, leaving Henry behind, again,

and he's found alone in his tent, again.

And guess what? He's ill again.

So once again, Dicky becomes Lord Protector meaning the

final victory goes to the Yorkies, and that really is

the end of that! Huh! Or so we thought!

Henry might be ill, but his wife refuses to give up.

So she nips up to Scotland and borrows an army

and, what do you know, restarts the whole war.

She really socks it to the Yorkies at the Battle of

Wakefield, which has this effect on old Dicky Boy.

He's fainted! No, not really! He's only dead.

Killed in battle, leaving his son Eddy to pick up

where Daddy left off, which is getting beaten by Mrs. Henry.

But Eddy's in luck. The people are suspicious of Mrs. Henry's

Scottish army and decide they'd rather have young Eddy in charge.

So he's crowned and the Yorkies win, the Lancastrians lose,

and that's the end of that. Really, really honestly.

This time, I promise. Or so we thought!

Time for the biggest battle of the entire war though.

It's bigger than that! It's bigger that that! Yeah, that's about right.

80,000 soldiers, 20,000 killed. It's a massive, horrible bloodbath

that sees final victory go to...

the Yorkies, yes!

Mr. and Mrs. Henry run away, Eddy has his coronation,

becoming King Edward IV and the country is filled with peace

and rainbows and prancing lambs and pretty coloured flags.

But not for long! Eddy falls out with his chief advisor,

the Earl of Warwick, which is a bad move,

because Warwick is also known as the king-maker, and he probably

makes a king. He brings back, yep, you've guessed it,

Henry the VI! Remember him? Well, you can't forget about him

because it's 1471 and Warwick is killed in battle then Henry is executed, which means that

Edward can take back the crown for the Yorkies and rule the country very nicely for years,

and that's the end of the War of the Roses.

Really, really, honestly this time, properly and forever, I swear.

Unless you count the bit where Eddy dies and his father Richard III takes over, and

then loses the crown to Henry Tudor at the Battle of Bosworth.

But that bit is not important! Who's ever heard of the Tudors?

AUDIENCE: Everybody's heard of the Tudors!

All right, all right I know, everyone has, it was only a joke!

Honestly, what is it with you people?

Richard III third was a mean old murderous monster.

Or was he?

♪ I was sure that you'd love me to that hope I did cling

♪ Cos' I'm Richard III, and everybody loves a king.

♪ Thought I did a good job. Why do you disagree?

♪ There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours about me

♪ Every word is a lie, so I'm singing this song

♪ Cos the history books have been telling it wrong.

♪ Never had a limp. Always walked my full height.

♪ Never had a hump, and my arm was all right.

♪ Never took the crown with illegal power.

♪ Never killed my nephews, the princes, in the tower.

♪ Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd.

♪ Time to tell the truth about King Richard III.

♪ My brother Edward died. His kids too young to rule.

♪ So I took the throne. Why not? I'm nobody's fool.

♪ Thomas More wrote a history. Said I murdered Edward's boys.

♪ Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy.

♪ But I say those two are historical vandals.

♪ They've ruined my image. I mean, what a scandal!

♪ Never bumped off those harmless young heirs.

♪ Never buried them under the Tower of London stairs.

♪ Never poisoned my wife, Bumped off her Daddy.

♪ This is me, Sweet Richard. Do I look like a baddie?

♪ Never was two-faced. Sure you'll agree.

♪ I was misunderstood, King Richard three.

♪ Can you imagine it? I'm the last Plantagenet.

♪ Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses.

♪ The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me.

♪ Now I'm painted as a baddie. That's why one supposes.

♪ Never forget when you hear of my crimes,

♪ Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine.

♪ Never said "A horse My kingdom for a horse!"

♪ Who made that up? Why, William Shakespeare, of course!

♪ Now my tale is told. You won't hear a bad word.

♪ About a special ruler King Richard III. ♪

I'm a nice guy.

[BUZZING]

Oh, there's a wasp!

Ah! There's a wasp!

Yes, people think Richard III was a monster

because of how he was portrayed by Shakespeare

in the play, Richard III.

But Shakespeare was out to please Queen Elizabeth I,

and by making Richard III a monster, he showed that her

grandfather, Henry Tudor, was right to take the throne.

So Richard probably wasn't really all that bad.

[LAUGHS] Suddenly came across all brainy. Do you know what?

I feel quite faint.

[MAN READING]

In ancient Mexico, us Aztecs ate all sorts of unusual stuff

like monkeys, frogs and lizards, but at a certain time

of the year, our diet wasn't nearly as interesting.

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Aztec Come Dine With Me,

Memexi served up a meal of maize and beans.

Ooh! Thank you.

Come here, maize and beans!

Chantico prepared a dish of maize and beans.

-So, it's maize and beans. -Can I get you one of these?

-Oh, yes. -Everyone for beans?

Oh, yes, please.

And Tenook cooked maize and beans

with a side order of beans.

Quelle surprise!

[ALL LAUGH]

Yes it's, er...

[BREAKS WIND]

It's the final dinner party. Can't wait to find out

what Atzi's going to be cooking for her guests tonight.

Um, I've decided to cook maize and beans.

Oh!

Cos I don't have any choice.

In the Aztec calendar, it's the days of eating maize and beans

when we just eat maize and beans.

PARP!

For 19 days.

It's to celebrate the end of the dry season.

Yes, and the beginning of the windy one! PARP!

It's hot and sticky in the kitchen and Atzi hasn't even started cooking,

and now the guests are arriving. That's no good!

-Can I take your blanket? -Yeah.

You look fabulous. Really nice.

Oh, so do you. You look fantastic!

Now, I'm just in the kitchen, so just help yourselves to some cactus wine.

Thank you. Oh, right!

Cactus wine? I hope they've taken the spikes out!

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Atzi prepares the sacred maize

in the traditional Aztec manner, by blowing on it.

[BREAKS WIND] Well, that's one way of doing it.

Oh, no!

Oh please tell me you're not gonna use that maize - it's been on the floor!

Maize is sacred to us Aztecs, so not a single grain must be wasted.

PARP!

Is it me or is it a bit draughty in here?

It's you!

It's time for dinner and before the main course of maize and

beans, Atzi has prepared a surprise starter.

-Wow! -It's maize and beans!

-Ooh! -Love it.

-That is my favourite. -Mine too.

Several plates of maize and beans later it is time for Atzi

to entertain her guests by playing a tune on her Aztec Pipes.

[PANPIPE MUSIC]

While the other guests give a blast on their Aztec Pipes!

[BREAKS WIND]

Go on, fella!

Time for the all-important scores!

A three from Memexi.

Seven from Chantico.

And a big fat one from Tenook.

PARP!

Who gives Atzi ten out of ten.

Which means that Atzi is the winner of this week's cash prize

1,000 beans!

1,000 beans?

Relax, relax, they're cocoa beans for making chocolate. It's Aztec money.

-Aah! - Yeah!

PARP!

Yeah, when I said relax...

Next week on Aztec Come Dine With Me,

it's the days of swallowing water snakes and frogs. Can't wait!

[WOMAN READING]

The answer is...

B. The Aztecs held ceremonies where they stretched children's

necks to make them taller.

[WOMAN READING]

[MAN READING]

Grr, get back here! Come on! [SHEEP BLEATING]

Grr!

What are you doing, man?

These woods are teeming with wildlife. You're not going to catch just standing there.

Come on, let's get hunting. Woo! Rarr!

No thanks. I'm not a hunter.

Woah! Back up, give a brother room. What do you mean you're not a hunter?

We're Stone Age. It's what we do.

We chase after wild animals, day in, day out

until finally they get exhausted and we skewer 'em!

Well, I'm not a hunter. I'm a farmer.

-A fah-ma? -Yes, a farmer, I farm stuff.

Basically, I just got fed up of chasing animals about the country side.

Never staying in the same place twice,

so I set myself up a home here.

A hoom?

Yeah, a home. This could take a while.

Yes, I live here.

I have plenty of livestock in my paddock,

and whenever I need meat I just go over and kill it.

What, you don't have to chase after it?

-No. It's tied up. -That's cool!

I quite like the sound of being a fah-ma with a hoom.

And I plant and grow all my own vegetables.

Vegballs?

-Vegetables. -Ve-ge-tibbles.

Like cabbage and spinach and onions and carrots and garlic.

-Look, try this! -No, I don't like it.

No, I don't like it.

Here, wash it down with this.

It's milk from the animals.

It is a little hard to swallow.

I think I'am gonna stick to being a hunter, thanks mate!

Okay then. More for me!

Yeah, keep it down now, keep it down!

Ha-ha! When Stone Age men first started drinking animal milk,

their bodies hadn't learnt how to digest it properly

so they would have been sick a lot.

Anyone fancy a nice bowl of puke-o-pops? [LAUGHS]

Yes, it was a key moment in the evolution of Stone Age man

as, believe it or not, was the invention of string.

Hi, I'm a shouty man, and I'm here to tell you about...

[SHOUTY MAN READING]

It's the exciting, technological breakthrough

that's set to revolutionise the Stone Age.

Are you tired of hunting with rocks?

Yeah!

SHOUTY MAN: Then simply use new multi-purpose string

to tie a sharp flint to a long stick, and

you've got yourself a spear!

It should be the pointy end first.

You can also use new multipurpose string to make this bow and arrow.

You're supposed to fire the pointy end!

Sorry, mate. SHOUTY MAN: And that's not all.

New multi-purpose string can also be used

to make this tasteful shell necklace.

Wurrgh! Necklace nice.

Ho-ho! Flowers nice.

Flowers not for you. Flowers to make string.

SHOUTY MAN: That's right! New multi-purpose string is made from the flowering plant, flax,

so it's a 100% organic.

Here's the not-so-sciencey bit!

NARRATOR: Flax is a tough plant, full of strong, woody fibres.

Simply extract these fibres from the stem of the plant

and twist them with other fibres for added stringy strength.

Honey, I'm home! Me bring meat.

SHOUTY MAN: And why not use new multi-purpose string to make yourself a string bag.

It's up to a bit percent better at carrying stuff

than using your bare hands.

Honey, I'm home! Me bring more meat!

SHOUTY MAN: Warning, do not use string bag to carry berries.

What else string do?

SHOUTY MAN: How long is a piece of string?

Easy. 1, 20, 32...

New multi-purpose string. Available from all leading fields.

29, 30... Ooh! No, it is difficult, actually.

[MAN READING]

We Georgians all loved our great naval Commander, Lord Nelson.

The Battle of Trafalgar was his finest hour

but also, sadly, his last.

Quick as you can, Dr. Beatty.

It's Lord Nelson, he's been shot. I think he may be dying.

Ah, Dr. Beatty. Sorry to have to drag you down here.

Hardy's a bit of a fusspot. I trust you are well?

Never better, but I'm sure it's your health we should be worrying about.

[EXPLOSION]

Ah, stuff and nonsense, Dr. Beatty!

Just a trifling fatal injury from a French sniper rifle.

Heaven knows how the blighter managed to pick me out on the crowded deck.

Well, with all due respect, you do stand out a little bit.

You may as well have "Shoot Me" written on your forehead.

Bullet ripped through my shoulder

passed thorugh my chest and then lodged somewhere into my spine.

You ask me, the whole thing is a darn inconvenience!

[EXPLOSION]

Doctor, isn't there anything you can do for him?

I'm just a ship surgeon,

bit out of my depth with internal bleeding and spinal injuries.

Hacking off damaged limbs is more my forte.

[CHEERING]

Sounds like another French ship has surrendered, sir.

You're about to win Trafalgar. The greatest sea battle of all time.

Just as well, Hardy.

I'd look pretty stupid after naming my flagship The Victory- what!

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, good. Yes!

Admiral, we're losing him!

Kiss me, Hardy.

Sorry, did he just say, "Kiss me, Hardy?"

-It sounded more like "Kismet." -Sorry, what's Kismet?

Well, I think it means fate or destiny or something.

Oh, yeah. Well, I might just kiss him anyway. Just in case that's what he wanted.

Really? No, no.

It's just, if he was saying that this was his destiny, and you do kiss him

then forever more, people will think that

Britain's greatest ever naval hero, on his deathbed,

asked his right-hand man for a bit of a snog, when he didn't.

Well, um, how about I split the difference and give him a hug?

Yeah, give him a hug. Everyone loves a hug.

Finished?

Not yet.

Yep, we're good.

Hardy did actually kiss Nelson, twice on the cheek.

The Battle of Trafalgar was a famous British victory,

but on receiving news of Nelson's death,

King George III is believed to have said, "We have lost more than we have gained!"

That is such a sad death.

I thought this was supposed to be a funny show?

What's that?

We've got a stupid one up next? Oh, goody!

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ They're funny cos they're true

♪ Wooh! Stupid deaths, Stupid deaths,

♪ Hope next time it's not you. Hee-hee!

Well, yes, I do use conditioner. Is it that obvious?

What do you use?

Oh, look lively, we've got company. And you are...

Maria, Countess of Coventry.

All right then, Grandma. Tell us your story.

Grandma? I'm only 27!

Only 27? What happened to you? Some kind of an explosion in a white paint shop?

No. Actually, I used to be something of a society beauty,

but I was prone to the odd spot.

-Oh, yes. -So I covered them up with ceruse,

which is a Georgian make-up, and that worked a treat.

But I kept getting more blemishes, so I applied more make-up.

Really? Well, you would. Wouldn't you?

Turns out that the Georgian make-up contains white lead.

Ooh! That can't be good for you.

No, it's poisonous and it causes blemishes on the skin.

Which you needed to cover up with more white lead make-up.

Exactly.

More blemishes, more make-up, More blemishes, more make-up,

-more blemishes, more make-up. -Uh-huh, yes?

Until I died of lead poisoning.

You did?

[HE LAUGHS]

You're as thick as your make-up!

Ooh! If looks could kill- and they did. You!

[HE LAUGHS]

You're through to the afterlife, Maria, you numpty!

Off you go. Honestly, oh!

Is this a wig or... Hm. Next!

-Name? -Kitty Fisher.

Hm, now don't tell me. Let me guess...

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ Hope next time it's not you. ♪

And so dies Lord Nelson, Britain's greatest naval leader.

Hero of the Battle of the Nile, the Battle of Copenhagen

and now the Battle of Trafalgar. The People's Admiral.

His body should be carried back home in honour, so that the men

and women of Britain can pay their respects.

What did you do with the body, by the way?

Oh, we wanted to make sure it was preserved,

so we popped it in the barrel of brandy.

It's good stuff.

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts

♪ We gave you all the fearsome facts.

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glee,

♪ We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel,

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories ♪