Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, Daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times!

♪ Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories ♪

[NARRATOR READING]

The English Civil War pitted the Royalist supporters

of the King against the Roundhead supporters of Parliament.

Everyone took sides, even highwaymen, like James Hind.

I just don't know why we can't take the main road. It's making me nervous.

'Cause it's quicker this way on foot, isn't it?

Look, you don't need to worry, it's perfectly safe.

-Stand and deliver, your money or your life! -Take my wedding ring.

-Hang on, let's not get ahead of ourselves. -What?

Well, before we go into the actual robbery,

there's a just a few quick questions I need to ask.

Are you, or have you ever, been a Parliamentarian

or in any other way opposed to King Charles?

-Absolutely not. -No, we're Royalists.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Something of a Royalist myself, actually.

-Really? -Small world.

Yeah, isn't it? Would you consider yourself to be enjoying good fortunes,

suffering bad fortunes, or don't know?

My entire estate has just been taken over by Roundheads,

half of my family have been killed and my carriage has been burnt to the ground.

Bad fortunes, then. Honestly, it's terrible around here, all this crime.

Oh, last but not least, would you say that you were really rich,

a bit rich, quite poor or very poor?

Well, this is my last sixpence.

Very poor, righto!

So, to summarise, you're down on your luck and you don't have any money.

-So then, I guess there's only one thing for it. -Oh!

Here's a bag of gold coins to tide you over.

Sorry, it's just traditionally,

in my experience, robberies don't work this way.

No. If you were a Parliamentarian, it'd be a very different story indeed,

but the thing is, I've got a bit of a soft spot for fellow Royalists,

especially if they're having a hard time. So come on, fill your boots.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

No problem.

Well, suppose I better shoot, so to speak.

[ALL LAUGH]

See what I did then? Yeah, well mind how you go now.

-Well, he seemed nice. -Absolutely charming.

Stand and deliver, your money or your life.

No, thank you, we're Royalists.

[LAUGHS]

That's right, James Hind was a Royalist highwayman

who stole from the supporters of Parliament,

and eventually was killed by them too.

So he didn't survive to see the crowning

of the next King Charles II, but if he had,

I bet he would have wanted a souvenir.

When he comes, you do the talking, to start with and then I'll pick it up from there.

He's coming, he's coming.

I simply can't wait to see what you've made to celebrate my coronations.

-Aye, you will not be disappointed. -Ooh, what is it?

An oil painting of me by world renowned Dutch artist Rembrandt.

-It's better than that, your Majesty. -Ooh!

Is it an image of me in a massive new stained glass window in Westminster Abbey?

Even better! Oh, you haven't?

It's a diamond and ruby encrusted solid gold statue of me.

-I love it, show me! -Ta-da!

It is the first ever royal coronation mug, Your Majesty.

-A mug? -A mug of your mug.

-A mug with my face on it? -Indeed.

[MUG SHATTERS]

Oh, dear! There appears to have been an accident.

-That went well. -No.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix.

This week, I'll be making over a Middle Ages peasant

and here he is, Gilbert.

-Hi. -Oh, stop filming, stop filming!

It smells like we've got a blocked drain in here. -That might be me, sorry.

Oh, Gilbert, my love. Do you never wash your clothes?

Oh, no. My lovely wife, Pat, she washes them in the best stuff.

-What's that? -Old wee.

[LOUD THUD]

MAN: Smelling salts for the star and a skinny mocha!

Can I get one of those?

Right, Gilbert, let's see if we can't turn you into a Middle Ages noble.

But first things first, let's get you cleaned up, darling.

[SNIFFING]

-Well, that is so much better. -Feels better, Lee.

-Great! -Only, is this all I get?

-Because I feel a little exposed. -Of course not.

You'll be wearing a tunic too.

Tunic's a bit short.

Short tunics are the very latest Middle Ages fashion.

And these shoes?

They're called poulaines, as they originated in Poland.

They're the very latest thing.

-Quite hard to walk in. If I... -Oh! You okay?

-Yeah. You all right? -Yeah, I'm all right.

We'll fix the... Can we get the shoes fixed? We'll get the shoes fixed.

A chain fastens the point of the shoe to the knee,

tres chic and no more tripping.

Let's remind ourselves just how disgusting Gilbert looked before.

Wow, that is a vast improvement.

I know it sounds cheesy, but what the heck, I'm going to say it anyway,

I don't just look like a Middle Ages nobleman,

I feel like a Middle Ages nobleman. Thanks, Lee.

-Come here, peasant! I'm arresting you. -What for?

-That outfit, it's criminal! -Oh, that's weak.

It is actually criminal.

Only nobleman are allowed to wear fine clothes in the Middle Ages.

-What? Come along, princess. Did you know about this?

-Come here! -Why didn't you say?

I didn't know. Stop being so hideous! Both of you.

Well, that's it for this week.

Join us next time when I'll be teaching a Roman slave

how to look fierce in fur, by being swallowed by a lion.

See you then.

It's true! In the Middle Ages,

us peasants could be arrested for wearing fine clothes. It's not fair.

And some of the jobs we had to do were pretty measly, too.

Morning, Mick. Geoff.

Can't help but notice you're stood in the middle of a pond there, Geoff.

-Oh, yeah. I've got a new job, haven't I? -Oh, right?

Duck inspector? Scare toad?

No, no. I'm a leech collector.

-Oh, right? -Yeah.

The medical profession use leeches to treat just about everything these days.

So, there's money to be made from collecting the leeches, selling them to the doctors.

I suppose there is. So what are you using as bait, then?

I tried all sorts of things. I tell you what they really love.

-What? Me! Oh! Oh, that hurts! Like a thousand tiny needles

in a single inch of flesh!

-And voila! One leech. Easy, really. -Ah!

-You enjoy this line of work then, do you? -Ah, you know, mustn't grumble.

[SCREAMS IN PAIN] Oh, that hurts so bad! It's more than a man can endure!

There's another one. Yeah, you know, can't complain.

[SCREAMS IN PAIN] Oh, that stings like crazy. Oh, for the love of what's good and pure!

-It got away. Well, I've got to say, Geoff, -it looks like it sucks!

[LAUGHING]

Not sure I quite get that one, Mick.

[SCREAMS] Come on, boys, one at a time.

Oh, and that's not sporting!

That's right, slimy leeches were used for medical cures in the Middle Ages.

Wouldn't happen nowadays, right? Wrong!

Some hospitals still use the little bloodsuckers for cleaning out infected wounds.

If only there was a market for fleas, I'd be a millionaire.

Oh, easy boys.

[NARRATOR READING]

Freeze! DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.

[GASPS] Oh, Detective, thank goodness you're here!

I am the Emperor Caligula and I've been scared out of my wits.

No need to worry, Emperor. Leave this to the professionals.

Victim is male. Severe mutilations.

I'll soon get my hands on the animal who tortured and killed this man.

Oh, him? Oh, don't worry, that was me.

That's just a friend that I got bored of.

Now, let me tell you about this crime.

No need to, I can see for myself.

Ah! Victim has had his hands chopped off and a sign put about his neck,

encouraging people to laugh and jeer.

What kind of madman would do this?

Yup, that'll be me again!

-You did it? -Such a fun party. Now, about this crime.

Oh, mother! What kind of sick-minded madman would attack a priest with a hammer?

Mmm, you're really not getting the hang of this, are you? That was me, too.

He was trying to sacrifice a bull, but he gave me the hammer, to do the honours

and then I hit him with it instead!

[GIGGLES] Priceless!

All these bodies were me.

So, why exactly did you call me here?

-I think someone's trying to kill me. -You don't say.

Believe it or not, I think there's one or two people out there

who, for some unknown reason, don't seem to like me.

One or two? I imagine half the empire would like to see you dead.

Really? You think so?

Well, in which case I'd better bump off anyone acting suspiciously.

Victims were all killed by one paranoid and clearly psychotic Roman emperor.

Talking into a small box? Talk about acting suspiciously.

What do you think, Whackus Bonkus?

[SINISTER TONE] "Kill him!" Ooh!

You naughty Whackus Bonkus! What a good idea.

[GIGGLES] Detective?

That Emperor Caligula really did have criminals killed at his dinner parties for fun,

and that wasn't the only way law breakers could come to a sticky end in Roman times.

[ANNOUNCER READING]

You are a Noxius, a Roman criminal condemned to fight in the Roman arena.

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Player one, select opponent. Gaius the Gladiator selected.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out.

Listen, I know I'm just a criminal and that, but I can't fight

a highly-trained, heavily-armed professional gladiator, you know?

I mean, it's just not fair.

Can you select someone else, please?

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Player one, select new opponent.

Cheers. Thanks. Much appreciated.

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Brutus the Bear selected.

[BEAR GROWLS]

Seriously? How is that any better, huh?

He's going to tear me to pieces.

Can you not select a player that's a bit more in my league?

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Player one, select new opponent. Unarmed Noxius selected.

An unarmed criminal? Now you're talking!

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Fight begins.

[GRUNTING]

Yes! Get in!

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: Player one wins. Play again.

No, thanks. I'll pass.

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: You have to play again. It's winner stays on.

Player one, select new opponent.

- Noxius selected. -Another Noxius?

I could kill these idiots all day.

Hang on, where's my weapon gone?

COMPUTERISED FEMALE VOICE: It's winner stays on, only without the weapons.

ANNOUNCER: Arena Fighter. How long can you survive?

About 30 seconds, I reckon. No, no, no...

[MAKING FIGHTING NOISES] Oh, hello. You're there.

Fights in the Roman arena were hugely popular spectator sports,

a bit like the football of their day, only with a lot more injury time.

If you lost your fight and you were lying on the sand,

not moving, two blokes were sent out dressed as Roman gods

to make sure you were dead.

Ave, Flavius. I see you're playing Mercury the Messenger God today.

Ave, Marcus, or should I say Dis, God of the Dead?

[LAUGHING] Ooh, I'm liking the new wings.

I thank you. Yes, the old ones were getting a bit manky.

I thought these made me look more godlike.

[CROWD CHEERS]

-Oh, looks like you're on. -Back in a tick.

I am Mercury, Messenger God.

[HEAVY BLOW]

-Is he dead? -I think so, yeah.

Put my red hot poker in and he didn't make a sound.

Well, better make sure. Oh, by the way you got a little...

-Oh. Oh, right. -On your cheek.

I am Dis, God of the Dead, come to claim this man.

[HEAVY BLOW]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, if he wasn't dead then, he sure is now.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ooh, you've got a bit of, um... On your ear.

-Oh, right. Have I got it? -Not quite, no.

[CROWD CHEERING]

-Oh, you're on again. -Busy day.

I am Mercury, Messenger God.

[SIZZLING SOUND]

[MAN SCREAMS]

-Not dead then? -Not quite and he didn't like the red hot poker very much.

-I think you've got a little bit of, sword. -Ah.

Might have to take tomorrow off.

[NARRATOR READING]

[WOMAN READING]

The answer is, C, four years old.

It really could be hard work being a child in Victorian times.

♪ In good old Queen Victoria's day

♪ Industrial revolution

♪ Meant bosses said please we need more employees

♪ We needed a solution.

♪ Who will climb our chimneys? Who will power our grids?

♪ Victorian families so desperately poor

♪ They'll let us employ their kids for...

♪ Work, terrible work

♪ From very young ages

♪ Up chimneys to clean

♪ Paid pitiful wages

♪ Work, terrible work

♪ Pins make you work faster

♪ If we grew too big

♪ Get sacked by the master

♪ Now you're all in my employ

♪ Cleaning in the factory

♪ We're not very strong And the hours are long

♪ This work is unsatisfactory

♪ Dare not to get caught in spokes

♪ Or trap our hands in gauges

♪ To stop machines and get you out

♪ Will cost you a week's wages

♪ Work, terrible work

♪ There's no health or safety

♪ So if we get hurt

♪ They will just replace me

♪ Work, terrible work

Sorry.

[WHISTLES]

♪ Now that I am short of cash I have to pick pockets

♪ Wallets from gentlemen and ladies lockets

♪ Small enough to get away hardly ever caught

♪ And if we are, we're kids, you see to cry is what we're taught

Boo hoo!

♪ Work, terrible work

♪ Dangerous and demeaning

♪ No time to complain

♪ Get back to your cleaning

♪ Work, terrible work

♪ Guess what we are dreaming?

♪ School, glorious school

♪ Wonderful school marvellous school

♪ Wish we went to school

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello, I'm Dominic Duckworth and this is the age of chivalry.

An age of gallant knights and fair play.

Am I right? No! I'm absolutely wrong.

Today on HHTV Investigates, I'll be lifting the lid

on the corrupt rule-breaking that is changing the face

of chivalric tournaments.

One traumatised knight agreed to speak to me.

Before the joust, there's a thing called the melee,

where all of the knights have this big fight.

There's only really one rule, try not to kill anybody.

Anyway, there was this brute of a knight, Sir Henry Belvedere and he, um...

DOMINIC: Go on.

MAN: He tried to kill me. DOMINIC: What evidence do you have?

[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN] Well, he did this.

This is the safe area, where during the melee,

knights can take a time-out without fear of being attacked.

Oh, sorry.

Now, the safe area is indeed an area that is safe. Am I right?

No, I'm absolutely wrong. This is exactly where Sir Henry

broke the "try-not-to-kill-anyone" rule.

With corruption and law breaking rife in a once clean sport,

it's time for Dom to go undercover.

Right, so Brother Dom is ready for action. Got my bible cam,

let's go and find Sir Henry, ask him some questions.

Sir Henry, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning the tournament.

Thank you, Brother I won this big fish. Bit weird, I know, but...

DOMINIC: I couldn't help noticing outside, your lance,

-It's a bit longer than regulation,isn't it? -What?

DOMINIC: Must make it easier for you to knock people off their horses in a joust.

What are you suggesting, Brother?

DOMINIC: What about this saddle of yours?

Which screws into your armour to ensure you can't be knocked off your horse.

You know, I don't like what you're insinuating.

DOMINIC: Back off, Sir Henry. Knights aren't allowed to attack religious people,

so you're not going to hit me, am I right?

[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN] He hit me with a fish!

That stinks! Oh, no!

Next week, we'll be looking into the Middle Ages

counterfeiting rackets that's rocking the world trade of holy relics.

And we'll be asking, "Is there really three heads of John the Baptist?"

See you then. I need to go to hospital.

It's true! Some knights really did cheat in tournaments.

Another method was to get a gang of squires with wooden clubs

to jump on their opponents on the way to a contest and beat him up.

Think I'll stick to tiddlywinks.

But even that might be better than what happened to these knights.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ They're funny 'cause they're true.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths,

♪ Hope next time it's not you

I'm thinking of getting my teeth done. Yeah.

Oh, you have a spare set? Oh, you are a love. Let's talk later. Next!

Ooh look, a boy band. And who might you be?

We are the Knights Templar.

Yes, I agree. It'll never work.

You'll have to think of a new name. Barron Knights, perhaps?

No, we are Knights Templar. Knights from the sacred Order of the Temple.

One of the most skilled and feared Christian fighting units in the Crusades.

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST] What, feared because of your dreadful smell?

-Yes, I think that might be me. -Yeah, that's him all right.

-All right, well, don't be like that. -Well, you stink.

Ooh, I sense a story here. Go on.

Yes, we were doing a night time raid on a Saracen camp.

It was all going terribly well. We managed to sneak in unnoticed.

The element of surprise was very much on our side.

But as we were making our way through the tents,

I tripped over a tent pole.

Yes, and?

-And fell head first into a hole. -Uh-huh?

Which unfortunately turned out to be their toilet.

Oh, hence the "Whoo!"

Yes, I got stuck and drowned in the, um...

[LAUGHING] You fell head first into a toilet and then you drowned!

That is priceless!

-And that's not all. -Ooh, goody! There's more.

He made such a noise, he woke all the Saracens in the camp,

and they swiftly surrounded and killed the rest of us.

-I have said sorry about that. -You nincompoop!

"Poop" being the operative word! All right!

Well, guys, congratulations, you're through to the afterlife.

The showers are on the left just as you go in.

-After poo -I love my job sometimes.

No, you can't mentor them. You don't have the bands this year.

Next!

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

♪ Hope next time it's not you!

[NARRATOR READING]

[MAN READING]

[BREAKS WIND]

And we get the word Spartan, which means strict or disciplined, from us Spartans.

Yeah.

I don't care if you were hungry, you shouldn't have been stealing.

Is Mrs J going to make me pay for it?

Well, I'm afraid, it's not Mrs Jones, today.

[PHONE RINGING]

We have another of our substitute head teachers from the past.

-Oh, no. -Mr Brasidas from Ancient Sparta will see you now.

MAN: ...get defensive about it,

I'm simply telling you no one wants kedgeree two days in a row.

Sorry.

Ah, I can see why you're in trouble straight away. A boy wearing shoes on his feet?

Criminal! I shall have to beat you.

Actually, Mr Brasidas, Lewis has been stealing.

What? Stealing? Well done, lad!

That's exactly the kind of behaviour we encourage at Spartan school.

Maybe we'll forget about the whole shoe thing, shall we? Off you pop.

I knew reducing the food portions would lead to behaviour like this.

But, Mr Brasidas, stealing is wrong. It should be punished.

Nonsense! It's a great lesson for any warrior, win by any means.

We need to teach children to be sneaky if they're going to win battles.

That's a relief. I thought I was in trouble when they caught me.

What? Caught you?

Stealing may not be frowned upon, but being caught stealing certainly is.

Well, I shall have to beat you after all.

Actually, Mr Brasidas, I don't think you're allowed to do this.

I'm pretty sure it came up in a governor's meeting and it was a no-no.

Completely ridiculous! Next thing, you'll be telling me

I can't line up boys in front of a statue of Artemis

and whip them till they drop, to find our who's strongest.

No, I'm pretty sure you can't do that, either.

But we have a play at Christmas. Is that the same kind of thing?

No, not really.

No, I shall have to beat you. Prepare for your beating, boy.

Now, where's my beating stick.

Have you stolen it?

No, sir! I'm hurt you'd even suggest it.

There's hope for you yet. Off you go.

Yes, it's true!

Spartan boys were beaten, whipped, starved and bullied at school,

which was great for turning out fearsome warriors.

Probably not so good for turning out creative geniuses like me.

Do you like it? It's my latest. I call it Homage To Fromage.

I'm putting it on Fleabay with a reserve of 5p.

What do you mean, too high?

[WOMAN READING]

The prickling of the thistles supposedly gave them a feeling of warmth in the winter.

[NARRATOR READING]

In 1813, repair work was carried out on the royal tombs at Windsor

and George IV was actually there when some of them were opened.

Well, I suppose that's one way of getting to know your ancestors.

MAN: King George IV is well known for his love of art, fashion,

architecture, Catholic women and food.

Vast amounts of food.

I can hear you. I can hear you when you say that.

MAN: But today, we aim to find out the truth about his past,

tracing his family tree as we ask the question...

We've enlisted the help of leading family historian Sir Francis Guesswork,

who has come here to Windsor Castle to meet the King himself.

Well, from the records I have found so far, birth certificates

and that sort of thing, I think there's a very strong possibility

that you are descended from royalty.

Well, of course I'm descended from royalty.

I'm King!

Oh, so you knew?

Well, my dad was King, my great-grandfather was King

and his father was King, so, yeah, I had an inkling.

Oh. Ah! But did you know that your great, great,

great uncle's father was also a king?

Yes! King Charles I. Beheaded by the Puritans.

Right. Ah, but did you know that your great, great, great, great, great, great, great...

-Oh, this is boring! -What are you doing?

How am I meant to research your relatives without my notes?

-Well, we can go and pay them a visit if you'd like. -How? They're dead.

The family tombs in a little chapel on the castle grounds.

Come on, let's have a look.

MAN: In an unusual twist on what normally happens in this show,

the King of England has taken our historian

into St George's Chapel, to prod some of his dead relatives.

It's all gone a bit weird, really.

Here we are. Who would you like to see first?

I don't really want to see anyone.

Oh, you big girl! Look, Henry VIII.

[GRUNTING]

Yes, he was a big lad, 6'3" or just under. Do you know how I know that?

[LAUGHING] I got drunk and measured him.

Right, who shall we look at next? I know! Charles I.

I found his tomb the other day but I haven't opened it yet.

I thought he was beheaded.

No. They stitched his head back on and they buried him here.

Ooh, this one's sealed nice and tight.

[GRUNTING]

There he is. There's old Charlie.

Well, he's very well preserved.

Well, it's a well-built tomb, you see, still had its airtight seal.

Fascinating.

Trouble is, of course, the body disintegrates rather quickly once the air gets to it.

You know, bones crumbling, skin cracking, eyes popping.

-Eyes popping? -Oh, yes. Yeah.

[POPPING SOUND]

[GROANS IN DISGUST]

[LAUGHING] Oh, I guess you could say that King Charles has got his eye on you.

[RETCHES]

Honestly, some people have no respect for the dead.

♪ Tall tales, Atrocious acts,

♪ We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth no glam or glee

♪ We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories ♪