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♪Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,400
♪Slimy Stuarts,
Vile Victorians
3
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:06,640
♪Woeful wars,
Ferocious fights,
4
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,600
♪ Dingy castles,
Daring knights
5
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,600
♪Horrors that defy description.
Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,600
♪Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
7
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,080
♪ Roman, rotten,
rank and ruthless
8
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,160
♪Caveman, savage,
fierce and toothless
9
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,920
♪ Groovy Greeks,
Brainy sages
10
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,280
♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages
11
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,680
♪Gory stories we do just that
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00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,200
♪And your host a talking rat
13
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:27,320
♪The past is no
longer a mystery
14
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,680
♪Welcome to
Horrible Histories♪
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00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,440
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
16
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,360
Brothers, if we mean to capture
this heavily fortified castle,
17
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,640
it's vitally important
we stick rigidly to my plan.
18
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,320
On my mark, we will rush up
the steep hill here,
19
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,560
avoiding the flurry of arrows
raining down on us
from the battlements up here.
20
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,600
Those who survive
will cross the drawbridge,
21
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,480
if it hasn't already been
hauled up, while trying to
22
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,720
avoid the boiling oil being
poured on us from the gatehouse.
23
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,880
We will then pass under
the razor-sharp portcullis,
24
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,160
which may or may not
be dropped upon us, resulting
in some light head loss.
25
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,160
Then we will take on
the 50 or so armed guards
within the castle grounds.
26
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,000
Should we defeat them,
then and only then,
27
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,480
the castle will be ours!
28
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,040
Barring any unforeseen
difficulties.
29
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,400
- Any questions?
- Yes, Davis.
30
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,800
-That is completely insane!
-That's not really a question.
31
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,640
You're not seriously suggesting
that? What with the arrows
and the boiling oil
32
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,520
and the razor-sharp thingy
and t-t-the boiling oil?
33
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:37,600
-And the guards.
-And the guards, yes.
Thanks Jeff.
34
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,880
It's suicide!
35
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,360
Why did you two become knights
in the first place?
36
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,880
Anyways, that's not the
only plan. There is a plan B,
brothers.
37
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,280
Let's hear it, then.
38
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:52,640
We sneak around the back of the
castle and enter the building
at this point here,
39
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,960
where I have discovered
a shaft, that leads directly
from the edge of the moat
40
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,720
to His Lordship's
living quarters.
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00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,280
We shimmy up the shaft,
capture his lordship, and then
42
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,120
the castle is ours!
43
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,480
Well, then, plan B
sounds perfect.
44
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,760
Wait a minute.
45
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:12,400
-Are you sure there's no boiling
oil poured down the shaft?
-No
46
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,040
-What about the
razor-sharp thingys?
-That's a negative.
47
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,360
-Archers? Any archers?
-No. No, no, no, no, no.
48
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,920
Plan B it is, then!
49
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:25,600
-Are you sure it's unguarded?
-Listen, I sent Sir Royston on a
mission to check the routes.
50
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,880
This shaft is completely
unguarded. Am I right, Royston?
51
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,120
Yeah, It's completely unguarded.
All the way from the bottom
of the shaft
52
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,160
right up to the castle toilets.
53
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,120
I don't know what you guys
are planning to do.
I'll probably do plan A.
54
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,600
-I think I'll stick with plan A.
-Yep.
55
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,400
Plan A was my plan,
so I'm A-OK with plan A.
56
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,400
-Thanks, anyway, Royston!
-Cheers, mate.
-Thanks.
57
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:48,800
You took one for the team.
[HE GAGS]
58
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,920
That's right!
59
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,880
People in the Middle Ages
were known to sneak into
a castle via the toilet chute.
60
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,760
So there is something worse
than having a sewer rat
pop out of your toilet.
61
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,600
A knight with a sword
popping out!
62
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,200
If you couldn't get inside
the castle that way,
63
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,240
there were other ways
of capturing it.
64
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,480
And now the Siege Forecast
with Matilda Never-Wash.
65
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,960
Well, we're four weeks
into the siege now,
66
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,960
and the hot weather is set to
continue over the next few days.
67
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,680
Good news if you're here,
outside the medieval castle
attacking it.
68
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,560
but bad news if you're here,
inside the castle walls
defending it.
69
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,080
As for rain,
the outlook is grim.
There won't be a single drop,
70
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,080
which means you lot in here
71
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:38,240
will soon run out of water,
as well as food.
72
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:42,040
And there's more bad news
for those of you
in the castle tower,
73
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:47,200
as we expect temperatures
to soar thanks
to these flaming arrows,
74
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,880
which should burn down
any remaining wooden structures
by about mid day.
75
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,680
The afternoon should also see
some heavy downpours of rocks
76
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,160
from enemy catapults.
77
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,600
These will be landing here,
here and here,
78
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,840
and there's a high likelihood
we'll be seeing some
rotten horse corpses as well.
79
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:10,440
These are being catapulted in
to cause an outbreak of disease.
80
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:15,360
This may well be followed by
some light showers
of human heads.
81
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:19,080
These are most likely the heads
of other defenders
who have been captured.
82
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,160
They've been lobbed over
the castle walls
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00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,840
to terrify those of you
who are still inside.
84
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,840
So, in summary, the forecast for
those of you defending
the castle is
85
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:33,080
you'll die of thirst, starve,
be burnt to death, get squashed,
86
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,640
catch a terminal disease
or have your head chopped off.
87
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,280
That's all from me.
Have a lovely siege. Cheery-bye.
88
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:51,400
'Four eager chefs,
four historical errors but just
one prize.
89
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,800
'Who will be crowned
historical Master Chef?'
90
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:58,000
I want one of these
historical chefs to cook some
food for me
91
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,560
and for me to really like it.
92
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,320
Mmm.
93
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:09,000
'Ann is from the Stuart era and
is head cook in a manor house
in Yorkshire.
94
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,320
Excuse me.
I can't figure out
how this works.
95
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,680
- Where's the dog?
- The dog? Yeah.
96
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,600
In our Stuart house, I cook meat
over a fire on a spit,
97
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,640
turned by a dog
walking around a wheel.
98
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,880
- There you go, love.
- That's the work of a witch!
[SHE SCREAMS]
99
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,000
[HE LAUGHS]
Ahh...
100
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:35,000
OK, people, five minutes
remaining. Five minutes.
101
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,800
Three minutes!
102
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,240
Two minutes!
103
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:45,000
Eight minutes!
104
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,680
Eight minutes.
105
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,240
You're looking
very relaxed, Ann.
106
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,200
Of course I am. I've got
this competition sewn up, love.
107
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,000
- Today, I will be serving this.
It's called a...
- A banana.
108
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,920
- You've seen one before?
- Yeah, it's a banana.
109
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,840
- They're new and exciting
in Stuart times.
- They're not now.
110
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,200
I'd seriously think about
serving something up with that.
111
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,920
- Maybe a pineapple.
- Are you out of your mind?
112
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,880
You can't just eat pineapple!
It's far too expensive.
113
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,280
- It smells a bit rotten.
- It's been on the
lord's mantelpiece.
114
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,280
- He puts it there to show off
how rich he is.
- Three minutes!
115
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,120
I'd seriously start thinking
about something else to serve,
Ann. And fast.
116
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,160
[SHE SCREAMS]
117
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,920
'Ann is going all out to impress
118
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,360
'and serves up a range of
food stuffs new t
o the Stuart era.
119
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,400
- So, Ann, what do you have for
us?
- Well...
120
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,160
This is a brand-new brewed
beverage that we Stuart's like
to call...
121
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,000
- It's tea.
- You know it?
122
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,080
OK. Well, we'll move straight on
to the bold new flavour
of coffee...
123
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:47,880
Coffee.
124
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,880
In that case, maybe we'll just
cut chase to the ground breaking
new desert...
125
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:53,520
It's ice cream.
126
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,080
I'm sorry, Ann,
we've seen all this before.
127
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,800
Hold on, John. That looks new!
128
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,680
Hm.
129
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,160
Sweet-smelling. Jelly-like
consistency. It's very
interesting.
130
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,360
That's hardly new.
131
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,160
It's an old Stuart delicacy
that Charles II likes to have
for breakfast.
132
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,720
- It's called ambergris.
- What is ambergris?
133
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,800
Regurgitated whale phlegm.
134
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:24,960
Ann, that is exciting,
it's unusual. ???
135
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,000
We're putting you through
to the next round.
Congratulations.
136
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,240
Yes!
137
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,440
Don't worry,
we'll get you another one.
138
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,400
It's true, posh Stuarts
really did eat whale phlegm.
139
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,160
And that's not the weirdest
140
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,120
that you might find on
the dinner table in
the Stuart era!
141
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,120
I can't believe you said yes
to supper with the Raleighs.
142
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,880
I can't keep saying no.
It's embarrassing!
143
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:53,080
Last time, it was a total
nightmare. And I bet you she
sits me next to Walter again.
144
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,520
He's impossible to make
conversation with.
145
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,480
Supper is served. Shall we sit?
146
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,560
Geoffrey, you're next to me.
Miranda, I put you
next to Walter.
147
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,600
- Ah, isn't this nice?
- Yes. It's wonderful.
148
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,320
So, Walter,
149
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,640
are you well?
150
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,160
Sorry. Silly question!
151
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,120
Erm, I must say, that's a nice
cut of beef.
152
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,880
I-It's a nice cut of beef!
153
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,960
- So, how have you been?
- Well. Yes, thank you.
154
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,560
So, er, been anywhere nice
recently?
155
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,560
I don't suppose you get
to travel so much.
156
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,320
Oh, silly me! I've forgotten
the horseradish!
Won't be a tick.
157
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,600
When we get home,
you're so dead.
Deader than him.
158
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,040
[HE LAUGHS]
159
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:54,120
After James the First
had famous explorer Walter
Raleigh executed in 1618,
160
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,680
Walter's wife kept his severed
head in a red bag for another
29 years
161
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,160
and showed it off to people.
162
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,280
"Have you met my better half?
Well, actually, he's more
like a quarter."
163
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,280
[HE LAUGHS]
164
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,920
[HE VOMITS]
165
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,120
[HE TRUMPS]
166
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,200
[HE LAUGHS]
167
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,040
[CHEERING]
168
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:47,080
The word idiot comes from
Idiotus.
169
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,120
which was the name us Ancient
Greeks gave to people who didn't
bother to vote in elections.
170
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,360
Over time, it just came to mean
"stupid", like this idiot...
171
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,720
♪Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
172
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,040
♪They're funny cos they're true
Whoo
173
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:07,480
♪Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
Hope next time it's not you.♪
174
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,760
What? I don't get it.
Don't laugh at his jokes.
You'll only encourage him.
175
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,160
- Next!
- [HE PANTS]
176
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,800
- And who might you be?
- I'm a boxer, yeah?
177
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,120
Oh, no kidding!
178
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,280
From Ancient Greece.
179
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,120
Are you that famous Greek boxer
???
180
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,920
- Don't say that name!
- All right, keep your beard on.
181
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,440
I promise
I won't say that name again.
182
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,080
- The name Theagenes.
- Stop it!
183
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,840
Oop! Did I say Theagenes?
Did I say Theagenes?
184
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,720
Sorry, it turns out
I did say Theagenes.
185
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,240
- Stop it, yeah?
- Come on, then. Let's get on
with your stupid death.
186
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,200
Ooh, does it by any chance
involve a certain you-know-who?
187
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,440
- And by that, I mean Theagenes.
- Yeah, it does!
188
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,280
Right, I hated Theagenes of
???
189
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,520
I really hated him, yeah. Cos he
was, like, the champion boxer.
190
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:59,000
I fought him loads of times,
but he always beat me.
191
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,640
And he was famous throughout
Greece but anyone heard of me?
No.
192
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,840
- And you are?
- Exactly my point, yeah?
193
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,840
And guess what happens next.
He dies before I can beat him
194
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,680
and then the people of Thasos
build a huge statue of him!
195
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,840
Yes?
196
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,560
So every night, yeah,
I creep down with a big stick
197
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,320
and I would beat the statue
of Theagenes of Thasos.
198
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:25,240
Like, "Ha-ha, I'm beating him,
I'm beating Theagenes." It made
me feel so much better.
199
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,320
Have you any idea where he's
going with this?
I'm absolutely clueless.
200
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,560
So, anyway, one night, yeah,
I crept down with my stick
201
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,840
and I beat the statue
of Theagenes of Thasos so hard
202
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,680
that it fell down on top of me
and it killed me.
203
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,640
[HE LAUGHS]
204
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,680
I didn't see that coming!
205
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,320
But then, neither did you!
206
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,560
Was the boxer's statue
a heavyweight? Get it?
207
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,560
A heavyweight boxer... [statue]!
208
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,520
Yeah, I don't get it.
209
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,160
Honestly, my humour is wasted
on these idiots!
210
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,480
All right, whatever-your-
name-is. Off you go to the
afterlife.
211
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,520
Nice one, yeah?
I'll see you later.
212
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,440
Yeah.
213
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,160
Knockout. Next!
214
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,880
♪Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
215
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,080
♪Hope next time it's not you
Hoo-hoo♪
216
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,360
Yes, we do crosses. We have
a labradoodle and a cockapoo.
217
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,360
That's a cross between
a cocker spaniel and a poodle.
218
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,360
Do we have a collywobble?
What's that a cross between?
219
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,040
A sheep dog and a jelly!
Goodbye!
220
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,280
Good day, madam. I wonder if you
might render me your assistance.
221
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:42,920
I require two of your finest
geese
222
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,000
I've had trouble with you
hysterical people before.
Go on then. Why?
223
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,200
I intend to smuggle lace!
224
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,840
I will force-feed the one
this fine lace,
225
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,040
smuggle it into the country
226
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,520
and then have him vomit it up
on t'other side!
227
00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:00,440
Not going to happen.
What do you want
the other one for?
228
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,120
I intend to grease t'other's
head and hang him upside down
229
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:08,600
so as my friends and I
can gallop underneath on
horseback and pull his head off.
230
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:13,360
It's called greased goose
grabbing. Georgian games,
don't you know?
231
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,000
I know what you're thinking.
We kill them first.
We're not savages.
232
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,560
We are definitely out of geese.
233
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,200
In the modern era,
we actually like animals.
234
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,840
Love 'em meself, me lady,
love 'em meself!
235
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:28,200
How's about I purchase this
kitty for two shillings?
236
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,800
Do you have another?
This one's quite fat. Couldn't
possibly eat the whole thing.
237
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,280
Cats are not food!
[CAT MEOWS]
238
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,600
Precisely! That is why it shall
prove such
excellent entertainment
239
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,200
when I eat a dead one whole
at the Georgian village fete.
240
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,000
Really? Go on, out you go.
Otherwise, I'll get my
dog on you.
241
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,120
All right,
no need to release the hound!
242
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,440
You'd lick him to death,
wouldn't you?
243
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,280
Do you know of a place
that sells nails? I need
something to feed my ostrich.
244
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,440
Out!
[TOY SQUEAKS]
245
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,760
How dare you!
[DOG BARKS]
246
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:02,080
There really was an ostrich that
was fed nails In Georgian times.
247
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,400
It was kept at the Tower of
London. And it's keepers clearly
didn't know
248
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,000
what it should've been fed.
249
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,200
Thanks to its dodgy diet,
it died.
250
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,520
If a Georgian fed an ostrich
nails and it got diarrhea
251
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,240
would he have invented
the first ever nail gun?
252
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,360
But they did come up with
some more acceptable ways
of entertaining themselves.
253
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,280
Hello, I'm John Jo...
254
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,680
[HE CRASHES]
255
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,680
Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin
256
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,600
and I'm here to tell you...
257
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,840
Hello, I'm John Joseph Merlin.
258
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,320
and I'm here to tell you about
my brand new invention
roller skate.
259
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,640
The fun, fast way to travel.
260
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,720
Whoa!
261
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,640
My unique skate design
features smooth metal rollers
attached to a flat metal plate
262
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,760
that simply straps to your
existing shoe or boot or shoe.
263
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,560
Just like skating on ice,
only much safer!
264
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,960
Whoa!
265
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,040
Once fitted, you can roll your
way into any fancy function.
266
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,680
and you'll be the
talk of the room.
267
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,680
Look, darling, that man glides
as if he is floating.
268
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:22,760
No. He's wearing
John Joseph Merlin's
brand-new roller skates.
269
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,400
Oh, well, that is better, then.
Mm.
270
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,840
It's perfect for playing the
violin while on the move.
271
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,480
[HE CRASHES]
272
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:34,360
So try John Joseph Merlin's
new roller skates today
273
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,120
and you'll be on a roll!
274
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,320
Brakes! I knew I forgot
something.
275
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,400
Hello and welcome
to the News At When.
276
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:04,360
When? 991 AD, when a huge Viking
invasion landed on the
Essex coast
277
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,920
and a brave army of Anglo-Saxons
tried to hold them off.
278
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:12,000
Saxon battles are often recorded
in poems by monks,
279
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:16,320
and I think one of them
is with our war correspondent,
Mike Peabody, now. Mike...
280
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,720
Thanks, Sam. You join me
in the thick of the battle.
281
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,960
The Vikings, over there,
282
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,960
outnumbering Saxons on this side
of the river by two-to-one.
283
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,880
I'm joined now by
Brother Thomas.
284
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,880
Brother Thomas, how do you rate
the Saxons' chances?
285
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,120
If the Vikings get across,
they'll squash us like ants
286
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,080
and one thing's for sure,
I'll wet my pants.
287
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,600
T-Thank you.
288
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:42,000
I've just seen the leader
of the Saxons, Byrthnoth,
the Earl of Essex.
289
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:46,280
I'm Mike Peabody, HHTV News.
Can you give us an update
on how the battle's going?
290
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,960
Well, there's only one
narrow crossing on the river,
291
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,680
so I position my very best
warriors to defend it.
292
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,040
If the Viking chaps
can't get across,
293
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,120
they won't be able
to exploit their
superior numbers,
294
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,840
- and victory will be ours.
- Thank you.
295
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,880
I must say,
that sounds
like an excellent plan,
296
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,840
nice one, Byrthnoth, you da man.
297
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:09,800
Oh, well, thanks, old boot.
Anyway, I'd better be...
298
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,120
It looks like the heroic Saxons
will successfully hold off
the Viking hoards.
299
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,560
That's fantastic news
for the underdogs.
300
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,800
It looks like
there's been a development.
301
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,840
The Viking leader, Olaf,
is having a parlay
with Byrthnoth.
302
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,120
[HE SIGHS]
Brythnoth, hello again.
303
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,960
Can you tell me what
Olaf's asking for?
304
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,800
Well, he said the situation
is all a bit unsporting
305
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,440
because the Vikings can't get
their army over here
for a proper battle.
306
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,680
so he's asked me if I'll let
them across the river
for a fair fight.
307
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,800
As if.
308
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,160
So, naturally, I said yes.
309
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,480
- You said what?
- I said yes. Not giving
them a proper chance
310
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,040
simply wouldn't be
311
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,560
- Cheers, mate. No problem.
- Thanks. OK. Much appreciated.
312
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,440
Sorry, isn't that like opening
the castle gates to let
the enemy in?
313
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,840
Er... Well, in many ways, yes.
Well...
314
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,680
I think you'd better hold
your nose, because I need a
change of clothes.
315
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,480
Ohh!
316
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,680
Mike Peabody, HHTV News, really
wishing he was somewhere else.
317
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,520
You get back or
I will tickle you.
318
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,840
[SCREAMING]
319
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:17,280
We know about the Battle Of
Moulden, thanks to a famous poem
written soon afterwards.
320
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,840
though the poet probably
wasn't at the battle himself!
321
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:24,680
In Saxon times, monks wrote
322
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,000
They were very much the
?? of their time.
323
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:32,160
Whilst they could only copy
a day, they had very few paper
???
324
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,160
'In this month's Monk Magazine,
everything for the Saxon monk.'
325
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,880
'We've an exclusive on
St Cutbert, the lightning ship
of ???
326
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:42,160
Find out how we prevented
327
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,680
getting their hands on
St Cuthbert's dead body when
they attacked our monastery.
328
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,720
We carried him round
for seven years!
329
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:48,680
If I'm honest, he's not as fresh
as he was.
330
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,080
He's a lot lighter, though.
331
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,520
Oh, his arm's dropped off.
332
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,520
- Read our story only in
Monk Magazine!
- Monk's Magazine!
333
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,240
His arm's dropped off, Steve.
Gone, innit?
334
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,800
Right, I'll get it.
335
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,240
That's handy!
336
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,400
No 'arm done!
337
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,520
'Plus, are you fed up
with your quills breaking
338
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,640
'when you're copying out
manuscripts?'
339
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,040
'Help is at hand with our sturdy
goose-feather quill,
340
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,200
'free with Monk Magazine.'
341
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,600
'Don't miss the crazy theories
from our wacky columnist,
342
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,880
'historian, scientist and
theologian,
the Venerable Bede.'
343
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,680
- I believe the world is round.
- 'He's c-c-c-crazy!'
344
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,120
According to my calculations,
the moon affects the tides.
345
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,520
'What a crackpot!'
346
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:37,920
I'll have you know I'm the
smartest man in Britain!
347
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:42,800
'Only in Monk Magazine, the only
monthly monk magazine, written
by monks, for monks, aboutmonks.
348
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,400
- 'First copy out now.'
- Section one available as soon
as I've finished copying it.
349
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,920
[APPLAUSE]
350
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,920
Ladies and gentlemen...
351
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,840
Well, gentlemen certainly.
This is no place for a lady.
352
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,840
[MEN SNIGGER]
353
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,840
It gives me great pleasure,
and no small amount of relief,
354
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:13,120
to declare this, the first ever
flushing public lavatory, open.
355
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,800
[APPLAUSE]
356
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,600
[HE WHISTLES]
357
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,120
Might want to leave it five
minutes.
358
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,720
[HE GASPS]
Oh, my goodness!
359
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,200
A year previously, in 1851,
360
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,240
temporary toilets were exhibited
at the Great Exhibition
in London's Hyde Park
361
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,720
and visitors were charged
a penny to use them.
362
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,280
That is thought to be the origin
of the phrase
"to spend a penny".
363
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,600
And this is the origin
of the Nobel Peace Prize.
364
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,720
Hm, interesting.
365
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,160
But that's not what's supposed
to happen.
366
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,000
Darling, I don't want to worry
you or anything,
367
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,240
but I think you might be dead.
Hm?
368
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,120
I don't think so, darling.
369
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,640
This newspaper seems to think
you are, and it's always been
very reliable in the past.
370
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,160
"Doctor Alfred Nobel, the
Swedish chemist and inventor
of dynamite
371
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,720
died yesterday
in the French resort of Cannes."
372
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,120
Let me see that.
373
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,080
Good grief, it does say I'm
374
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,640
Look what they're calling me,
"the merchant of death".
375
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,720
It says here,
"Dr Alfred Nobel became rich
376
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,680
"by finding ways to kill more
people even faster
than ever before."
377
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,920
You'd think that just because
I'd invented dynamite,
378
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,920
I am personally responsible for
the death of
thousands of people!
379
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,480
Have you ever heard such
nonesense.
380
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,240
I said, have you ever heard
such rubbish?
381
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,960
Sophie, if you have something
to say...
382
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,080
Well, you did invent what is,
at this point in time,
383
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,600
the most powerful explosive
on earth.
384
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,760
And it has gone on to kill
thousands and thousands
of people.
385
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:11,360
All I'm saying is,
you have to accept when
hear the word "Nobel",
386
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,160
they're always going to think
of dynamite.
387
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,160
I knew I should've called it
Nobel's Safety Powder.
388
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,160
Do you really think
that when I actually do go that
this is how I'll beremembered?
389
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,480
Oh, sweetheart, of course it is,
my furry-cheeked
little death merchant.
390
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,640
Well, not if I can help it!
391
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,200
I shall reinvent my own image.
392
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,960
I shall use my massive fortune
to establish a special prize.
393
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,800
One that rewards positive human
endeavours in the
pursuit of peace
394
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,160
so that when I do die, I won't
just be linked to explosives!
395
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:48,000
And I, Alfred Nobel, will call
this special peace prize...
396
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,840
...Prize-A-Mite!
397
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,720
Darling, why don't you call it
the Nobel Peace Prize?
398
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:02,120
[HE CHUCKLES]
399
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:05,480
I love you, darling,
but you have absolutely no idea
when it comes to marketing.
400
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,280
- A-hem! Tea!
- Certainly.
401
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:18,360
William the Conqueror
became King of England in 1066
402
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,920
and he was the first in a long
line of ???
403
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:25,520
There is William II, Henry I,
Stephen...
404
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,920
Do you know what,
I'll let them tell you
themselves.
405
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,080
♪I'm William the Conqueror
My enemies stood no chance
406
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,160
♪They call me
the first English king
407
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,840
♪Although I come from France
408
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,360
♪1066
the Doomsday Book I gave
to history
409
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,600
♪So fat on death, my body burst
But enough about me
410
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:51,120
♪To help remember all your
411
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:56,200
♪A simple rhyme and ditty
For you all to sing along, oh...
412
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,960
♪William...
413
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,200
Bit short, isn't it?
We need more kings.
Who came next?
414
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,840
♪William Second, cheeks were
415
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,000
♪I took over, Henry One
416
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,200
♪That's my next eldest son
417
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,680
♪Then King Stephen
It's true, check it
418
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,360
♪I, Henry Two, killed Thomas
419
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:18,400
♪Richard Lionheart, that's right
Always ready for a fight
420
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,240
♪Oh, King John, what a disaster
We're all restrained
by Magna Carta
421
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:25,640
♪William, William, Henry,
422
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,560
♪Time for my mate King Henry
to take up this song
423
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,320
♪Henry Three built the abbey
424
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,160
♪Ed One hated Scots
425
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,800
♪A red-hot poker killed Ed Two
That must've hurt him lots
426
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,320
♪Edward Third was a chivalry
and began the hundred years war
427
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:43,600
♪Then Richard Two was king aged
428
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,520
♪King Henry Four, floods galore
Not least from Henry Five! Why?
429
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:51,200
♪Killed ten score at Agincourt
Then Henry Six arrived
430
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,840
♪Edward Four, Edward Five
Richard the Third, he's bad
431
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,920
♪Cos he fought wars with
Henry Seven, first Tudor
and my dad
432
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,440
♪So Henry Eight, I was great
Six wives, two were beheaded
433
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,600
♪Edward the Sixth came next
But he died young
and so my dreaded
434
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,440
♪Daughter Mary ruled, so scary,
Then along came# Me
435
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,240
♪I'm Liz the First, I had no
436
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,520
♪So Tudors RIP...
437
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:19,200
♪William, William, Henry,
438
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,080
♪Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more
Henrys join our song
439
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,920
♪ Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
440
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,920
♪Mary One, Good Queen Bess
♪That's me, time for more men
441
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,560
♪James Sixth of Scotland next
English James the First he led
442
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,160
♪Then Stuarts ruled
So Charles the First
443
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,040
♪The one who lost his head
444
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,280
♪ No monarchy until came me
Charles Two, I like to party
445
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,680
♪King Jimmy Two was scary, whoo
Then Mary was a smarty
446
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,280
♪She ruled with Phil
Their shoes were filled
447
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:45,920
♪By sourpuss Queen Anne Gloria
448
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,480
♪And so from then
You were ruled by men
449
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:52,120
♪Till along came me, Victoria!
450
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:56,440
♪William, William, Henry,
451
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,200
♪Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys
join our song
452
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,960
♪Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
453
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,240
♪Mary One, Good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles
and Charles and then
454
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,760
♪Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
455
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,160
♪Still to come it's
QueenVictoria
456
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,000
♪And so began the Hanover Gang
George One and George Two
457
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,160
♪George the Third was quite
458
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,360
♪King George the Fourth and
????
459
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,000
♪It's true you beat Napoleon
But were mostly a dead loss
Bang on
460
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,600
♪William the Four was a sailor
♪A-hoy
461
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,320
♪It's nearly the end
of the story
462
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:29,480
♪As onto the scene
comes the best-loved queen
463
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:34,400
♪Hail to Queen Victoria!
464
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:38,400
♪William, William, Henry,
465
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,200
♪Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more Henrys
join our song
466
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,720
♪Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
467
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,040
♪Mary One, Good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles and
Charles and then
468
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,000
♪Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
469
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,160
♪George, George, George,
470
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,960
♪Victoria...
471
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:59,280
♪Victoria...Victoria...
472
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:03,200
I ruled for 64 years, you know.
473
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:06,080
♪Ed 7, George 5, Ed 8, George 6
Liz 2 then reigned and how
474
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:10,240
♪And so our Famous Monarchs
???
475
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,720
♪Oh...
476
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,320
♪William, William, Henry,
Steven, Henry, Richard, John
477
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:19,080
♪Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich Two
Then three more
Henrys join our song
478
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,360
♪Edward, Edward, Rich the Third
Henry, Henry, Ed again
479
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,800
♪Mary One, Good Queen Bess
Jimmy, Charles
and Charles and then
480
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,040
♪Jim, Will, Mary, Anna Gloria
481
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,120
♪George, George, George, George
Will, Victoria
482
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,880
♪Edward, George, Edward, George
483
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,840
♪And Queen Liz Two
completes the mix
484
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,840
♪That's all the English
kings and queens
485
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:48,960
♪Since William First
that there have been♪
486
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,360
♪ Tall tales,
Atrocious acts,
487
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:51,800
♪ We gave you all
the fearsome facts
488
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,240
♪ The ugly truth no glam or glee
489
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:53,520
♪ We showed you all
the juicy bits
490
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,520
♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
491
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:58,880
a♪ Stuff they don't teach you
at school
492
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,600
♪ The past is no longer
a mystery
493
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,080
♪Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Hostories♪
42270
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