Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome to my disco par-tay. We've got nibbles and everything.

Oh, look at that! Mouldy cheese, rotten cabbage, cocktail worms.

[EXCLAIMS] Scrummy.

Coming up, we've got some of my favourite Horrible Historiessavage songs.

So let's get things started in the ancient Greek city of Sparta.

Hey, all you Helots, you Zealots, you Peloponnesians,

you Lacedaemons, all of Leonidas' army,

let's get barmy for the Spartan School Musical.

ALL: Go Sparta!

[WHOOPING]

Whoo!

Come on!

# Today I'm starting high school, where boys are turned to men

# I've packed my sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen

# Everyone's a jock here # We don't have Spartan nerds

# The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds

# We're taught to love a fight We're taught not to be meek

# And if we're good they feed us three square meals every week

# Let's go fighting now Fighting is exciting now

# Rockin' at the Spartan School

Come on. Whoo!

# At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss, that's understood

# I smack 'em if they're naughty and I thwack 'em if they're good

# I'm feeling rather peckish, I'm gonna steal some food

# Caught, I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood

# We promise not to steal We're not the thieving sort

# Stealing is considered good, what's wrong is getting caught

# Let's get beaten now Learn lies and cheatin' now

# Rollin' at the Spartan School

# We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best

# The meanest, leanest, toughest, roughest Spartan contest

# This one is my favourite game, lashings of good fun

# Didn't feel a thing I want my mum

# We pass our last exam and it's Spartan graduation

# Straight away we go to work, no time for celebration

# Ten years active service in the army, no diversion

# There's only job for a Spartan, killing loads of Persians

# If you're wondering about love it's banned until you're 30

# High school doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty

# Let's go fighting now Fighting is exciting now

# Rockin' at the Spartan School

# Let's get beaten now Learn lies and cheatin' now

# Rollin' at the Spartan School #

Ooh, uh, sorry if you didn't get any nibbles.

They seem to have all disappeared.

I don't know where they could have gone. [BURPS]

Yes, the Spartans were indeed fearsome warriors,

and so were the Celts.

# Gonna cause a stink Won't be the first to blink

# I'm not who you think Don't mess with me, I'm Boudicca

# My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king

# I was his queen, so due to me was half of everything

# Roman law gave half to me, so half was what they got

# Till their nasty soldiers came and took the blessed lot

# Hey, mister! I say you got the wrong end of the stick

# His answer turned this sister into one angry chick

# No man Roman'll push around this woman

# You won't get far with Boudicca

# Bowmen, yeomen Smash the Roman foe-man

# All say yah # Yah!

# Boudicca

# I built a massive army, headed straight for the city

# Beat 'em all with ease Unlike me, it wasn't pretty

# Chopped 'em and hacked, but what made their red blood curl

# It's bad enough being beaten, but beaten by a girl?

# Whacked 'em, smacked 'em Boy, how we attacked 'em

# Near and far, ha ha ha

# Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em

# Boudicca

# The toughest by far

# Colchester, London, St Albans Everybody talk about dead Romans

# We marched on up the Roman road that's known as Watling Street

# They trapped us in the forest, then thrashed us to a defeat

# By now you've guessed I'm not the kind of gal who'll sit and cry

# Be sold as slave to Romans? You know I'd rather die

# They tried to take me prisoner, so I led the Roman boys on

# Instead of giving in to them I swallowed special poison

# Martyr, smarter, capture a non-starter

# This was our last hurrah

# Slaughtered, dismembered Our tribe always remembered

# Boudicca, superstar

# Boudicca # Superstar! #

It wasn't just Romans who invaded Britain, you know,

us Vikings did it, too.

I love this band.

# Was the summer of 793

# When we sailed across the great North Sea

# Comets crossed the skies that night

# You must have known something wasn't right

# We arrived upon your English shore

# And you offered friendship but we wanted more

# Yeah, so much more

# We're tearing up this place tonight

# Literally

# We're gonna set this sleepy town alight

# Literally

# We'll kill and steal and burn and drink

# 'Cause us Viking don't care what you think

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# Let me in now, won't you, please?

# We're here to raid your monastery

# We're primed and ready to attack

# And we love how monks just don't fight back

# You'll die or become a slave to me

# Though our slaves often get chucked in the sea, yeah

# If the boat's heavy, yeah, yeah!

# You're gonna lose your head, my friend

# Literally

# We're gonna get ya in the end

# Literally

# Then I'll drink a toast from your skull

# 'Cause we're Vikings and that's how we roll

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

Play that axe, Ragnar!

# We're gonna paint the whole town red

# Literally

# With the blood of the dead

# Literally

# We'll take everything that you own

# And get back on our ship and go back home

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# We're going home # Home

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# We're going home # Home

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# We are going home # Home

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# We are going home # Home #

It's true, you know,

the Vikings did used to drink out of the skulls of their enemies,

but they weren't the only ones to do it.

So did some people called Incas,

over in South America, in around 1450 AD,

when this bloke was in charge.

# I'm Pachacuti, the Incan Lord

# All other tribes dread it

# My name means "he who shapes the earth"

# Not that I'm big-headed

# When it comes to claiming nearby lands

# I was the type to risk it

# But it's how I treat dead enemies that really took the biscuit

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Turn teeth into charms # Do the Pachacuti

# Make flutes out of their arms # Pachacuti

# Once on a hillside my troops hid to cause a rival strife

# And when they jumped out it looked like

# The ground had come to life

# "The rocks, they are my warriors," I then used to boast

# And that little lie helped us win wars

# But violence helped the most

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Turn teeth into charms # Do the Pachacuti

# Make flutes out of their arms # Pachacuti

# If you were a rival chief

# We'd kill you first and then we'd stuff you like a scarecrow

# But one for scaring men

[SCREAMS]

# Then we'd rest your bony fingers on the stretched skin of your belly

# And in the breeze, they'd tap that tum

# Like a drummer, but more smelly

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Use their skin as a drum # Do the Pachacuti

# I've never had so much fun # Pachacuti #

# Do the Pachacuti #

[LAUGHS]

I love a good party, me.

Eh, and no one loved a good party more than the Stuart king

who came to power in 1661.

# My name is

# My name is

# My name is Charles II

# I love the people and the people love me

# So much that they restored the English monarchy

# I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane

# But 100% party animal

# Champagne!

# Spaniels I adored Named after me, too

# Like me, they were fun with a nutty hairdo

# Is today my birthday? I can't recall

# Let's have a party anyway because I love a masked ball

# All hail the king of bling

# Let's sing Bells ring, ding ding

# I'm the King who brought back partying

# King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne and kings were banned

# They chopped off his head then Ollie Cromwell ruled the land

# Old Ollie wasn't jolly He was glum and he was proud

# Would be miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed

# When Ollie died, the people said, "Charlie, me hearty

# "Get rid of his dull laws Come back, we'd rather party"

# This action's what they called the Monarchy Restoration

# Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration

# The King of Eng... # ...land say

# No sin to sing

# Okay # Or anything

# All say I'm the King who brought back partying

# Great London Fire was a whopper in my reign

# London City came a cropper

# So this King did what was right and proper

# Fought the fire, proved I'm more than a bopper

# I'm a fire-stopper!

# Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true

# There would never be another Well, maybe one or two

# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynne, Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

# You think that's bad, but her name's not as silly as

# Hortense Mancini

# As King, I must admit I broke the wedding rules

# But who cares when I brought back the crown jewels?

# I reinstated Christmas, make-up, sports and even plays

# I was the merry monarch They were good old days

# When said and done

# King Charles did run England for fun # That's me

# I was the King loved by everyone My song is done #

Party, anyone?

Ahh. I was parched. Anyone else fancy a drink?

It's squash. Squashed beetle squash.

Now, here's another famous man from the end of the Stuart era.

But he's one you really wouldn't want to meet.

# When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper

# Sailed the seas as a goods importer, oh!

# Edward Teach is my name

# But I earned my fame as Blackbeard, the pirate of the water, oh

# What a jolly chap With a jaunty cap

# Always gave my crew good quarter, oh

# But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh!

# Best known for blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh!

# Left my home in Bristol With a sword and pistol

# Bid a fond farewell to old Blighty, oh

# What my enemies feared Was my thick black beard

# Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh!

# Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring

# That shone like a jewel in the nighty, oh!

# When the man said no I just said oh

# And chopped off his hand and said righty-o

# Man said no He said oh

# Chopped off his hand and said righty-o

# Oh, I love to sail the ocean

# With my flag that inspired emotion

# With its smiling pile of skull and bones

# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion

# And I loved to escape detection and to win my crew's affection

# Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore on his belt

# That were for protection

# I was awfully nice, but I had the odd vice

# Which occasionally caused a commotion

# The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# Once when very irate, I shot my first mate

# Israel Hands, for a bit of pleasure, oh

# And when my debts grew, killed half of my crew

# To increase my share of the treasure, oh!

# Was doing well then seemed to run out of men

# My captors boarded at their leisure, oh

# Smoked me dead Then cut off my head

# And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh!

# Smoked him dead Chopped off his head

# Displayed it on the mast for good measure, oh! #

Blackbeard really was a bad-tempered sort.

But then so was our last Georgian King, about a century later.

I don't think he liked waiting nearly 60 years to take the throne.

# I'm George IV, the Regent King

# Which means I was just standing in

# Acting King because my dad, George III, had gone barking mad

Banana!

# Great palaces I did design Buckingham was one of mine

# Art and fashion I so rated

And wives?

# That's more complicated

# Actresses and Duchesses, the great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies

# But I couldn't stand my wife

# He couldn't stand his wife

Go away.

# I only married Queen Caroline

# When my debts began to climb

# 'Cause if I agreed to tie the knot

# I said I'd pay off the lot

# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife

# 'Cause I already had a wife

A divorced Catholic?

# Dad did sigh, but the mad old goat just wouldn't die

Still here! Oh! Spoke too soon.

At last, I can go solo!

# As true King my reign began

# Though I was now older than your nan

# But as the ruler of our nation

# I banned my wife from my coronation

# And knowing now that I did hate her

# She promptly died just three weeks later

# But all those pies that I got through

# Meant 10 years later I died, too

Hello, have we met? I'm a kangaroo.

# Actresses, Duchesses, the great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies

# But I couldn't stand my wife

# I had just 10 years on the throne

# Do you remember that?

# No, all that you remember is

# I was really fat #

Yee-ha! We're having ourselves a fancy dress par-tay.

In 1866, cowboys ruled the range in America.

But the real cowboys weren't much like the ones you see in the movies.

Oh, no.

# Well, I'm a real-life cowboy Just a quiet humble fella

# That's what we're like, apart from Mike

# Yeah, I'm more of a yeller

# Sing songs to pass the evenings

# And because it soothes the herd so they won't stampede

# Unless Mike sings lead # And shouts every single word

-Mike! -Sorry.

# 'Cause we're cowboys Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen on your TV

# We've never held up banks at all

# We're poorly paid # And kinda small

# If you still wanna be a cowboy

# Stick with me

# On your horse for 18 hours

# And that saddle sore's a curse

# Then feed your horse # And yourself, of course

# Though beans just make it worse

[FARTS]

# Then you're back driving cattle

# That's what being a cowboy means

# Moving those beasts from west to east

[FARTS] # Sorry, it's the beans

# 'Cause we're cowboys Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen in the movies

# We're not big hunks like that John Wayne

# 'Cause our horses would complain

# If you still wanna be a cowboy

# Join us, please

# You should be aware we have some customs that are strange

# Like saying "Howdy", not "Hello" When you're out here on the range

# Never touch a cowboy's hat

# Never ride his horse

# So what if I took your old mare?

# Well, I'd shoot you, of course # Fair enough

# Cowboys Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you see on silver screens

# We didn't go out starting fights

# 'Cause unions fought for our rights

# Now Mike will do a solo thanks to beans

[FARTING MELODY]

-How was that? -It stunk!

# And now my friends I fear that the end is drawing near

# 'Cause we only ruled the range for 20 years #

ALL: Yee-ha!

That's right, the cowboy era only lasted for about 20 years.

But over in Britain, many of the things the Victorians invented

are still with us today.

# Twas the age of Queen Victoria's A period notorious

# So many brand-new goods we did create

# Our list is long and glorious Though I don't intend to bore yas

# Was a time of great invention

Was it really? What did we invent then?

# Well, I'm just about to mention

# Drum roll, please Let's raise the tension

-[CLEARING THROAT] -[DRUM ROLL]

# We invented this Music hall

# Is that all?

# Well...

[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING]

# A chap called Henry Bessemer invented molten steel

# Which led to other chaps creating the automobile

# Which led to petrol, tyres and bikes So all that was required

# Was roads so concrete came and tarmac thought up, too

# You're hired!

# Oh, concrete, tarmac, steel

# The automobile

# Seal of rubber wheel # Such inventive zeal

# Still there's plenty to reveal

# Victorian brains worked overtime to come up with ideas

# We invented light bulbs

# Nice one # Cheers

# Typewriters and radios Now news was fast conveyed

Hello.

# A telephone was no good Till a second phone was made

Hello.

# Our inventors did not snooze

# Always had another ruse

# The latest flushing loos

# Films that did amuse

# Flashbulb cameras to use

# What a picture! What a picture!

# Vacuum cleaners, toilet paper, post boxes and stamps

# Toilets, aspirin, anaesthetics, locks, electric lamps

# Sewing machines, x-rays, comics, ice cream in a pot

# Easter eggs and rockets

# We invented the whole lot

# Oh...

Oh, hang on. There's more.

# Trains and lines and bridges and the Underground as well

# Paddle steamers, prams and disinfectant for their smell

# Sterile doctors' instruments One last unmentioned brand

# Victorians invented the world's first conveyer band

Cuddly toy?

Invented 1902, the year after Victoria died.

# Oh, barometers were new

# Iron ships were cool

# What genius! # Thank you

# Seems we're almost through

# Just one little oversight #

[COUGHS]

We invented dynamite.

Talking of dynamite, let's finish the show

with a bit of 1939-style girl power.

Carry on.

# We're girlies from the '30s Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

# When all of a sudden Our hubbies went to war

# Did you think we'd shrink In England's needy hour?

-You what? -Course not.

# 'Cause we got girl power

# Our men are fighting World War Two

# But we're not gonna boo-hoo-hoo

# It's our World War Two, too, girls Plenty we can do, girls

# We're the World War Two girls Our war begins right here

# I make weapons in the factory

# Drill and bolt and screw

# With rules so strict they even time you when you're on the loo

# Making bombs and bullets means I'm always mucky

# I've put my name down for a bath

# I'll get one if I'm lucky

# There is no job that we can't do It wasn't long till our roles grew

# Your country needs you, girls Army, Navy, too, girls

# We're the World War Two girls This is our career

# I'm a plane-fixing, plain-speaking

# Photo-taking, code-breaking Air Force miss

# Radar-manning, lorry-driving

# Weather-guessing, foreign-spying I do all this

# I took the role of Land Girl while our men fight far away

# Farming on the home front Helping save the day

# Tending crops and animals Manual labour hurts

# In the field, my uniform's this scratchy tie and shirt

# When World War Two is over though We'll be proud 'cause we will know

# Thanks to us is due, girls Came to the rescue, girls

# We're the World War Two girls Original girl power #

Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.

Uh, what's that? Encore? Oh, okay, just one more.

But don't tell anyone. Get ready to scream, girls.

[LAUGHS]

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to Horrible Histories

the four King Georges of the Georgian era withBorn 2 Rule.

# I took the throne of England Just 'cause I was Protestant

# A German prince whose English stank King George number one

# I liked to argue, now that's clear especially with my father here

# And when he died of diarrhoea I fought with my son

# I broke records with my 60-year reign

# And I broke the scales with my giant frame

# Born to rule over you

# King George

# Four # Three

# One # And two

# You had to do what we told you to

# Just because our blood was blue

# I was a hunk, girls adored me Ladies all swooned before me

# They would do anything for me Or I'd have their husbands killed

# Had a war with Prince Charles Bonnie

# Everyone said that I was fu-fu-funny

# I spent everyone's money

# Our subjects were not thrilled

# I was the sad one

# And I was the bad one

# I was the mad one

# And I was the fat one

# We were born to rule over you

# Georges

# One # Three

# Four # And two

# England's kings

# Though we were German, too

# Him # Then him

# Then me # Then you

# We were born to rule over you

# Born to rule

# Gorged on fruit Then I died on the loo

# People hated us

# And we hated them, too

# Born to rule over you

# Born to rule over you

# Me, I was as batty as a bonkers kangaroo-oo

# Me, I would have been more at home in a zoo

# And now Now our song is through

# Yeah #

-ALL: Georges. -Banana.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #