Original subtitles

gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome to my disco par-tay. We've got nibbles and everything.

Oh, look at that! Mouldy cheese, rotten cabbage, cocktail worms.

[EXCLAIMS] Scrummy.

Coming up, we've got some of my favourite Horrible Historiessavage songs.

So let's get things started in the ancient Greek city of Sparta.

Hey, all you Helots, you Zealots, you Peloponnesians,

you Lacedaemons, all of Leonidas' army,

let's get barmy for the Spartan School Musical.

ALL: Go Sparta!

[WHOOPING]

Whoo!

Come on!

starting high school, where boys are turned to men

sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen

were left to die as breakfast for the birds

We're taught not to be meek

good they feed us three square meals every week

Fighting is exciting now

the Spartan School

Come on. Whoo!

I'm the boss, that's understood

naughty and I thwack 'em if they're good

I'm gonna steal some food

I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood

We're not the thieving sort

what's wrong is getting caught

Learn lies and cheatin' now

the Spartan School

to see who is the best

leanest, toughest, roughest Spartan contest

favourite game, lashings of good fun

I want my mum

and it's Spartan graduation

no time for celebration

in the army, no diversion

job for a Spartan, killing loads of Persians

wondering about love it's banned until you're 30

doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty

Fighting is exciting now

the Spartan School

Learn lies and cheatin' now

the Spartan School

Ooh, uh, sorry if you didn't get any nibbles.

They seem to have all disappeared.

I don't know where they could have gone. [BURPS]

Yes, the Spartans were indeed fearsome warriors,

and so were the Celts.

Won't be the first to blink

Don't mess with me, I'm Boudicca

He was a Celtic king

so due to me was half of everything

so half was what they got

nasty soldiers came and took the blessed lot

the wrong end of the stick

turned this sister into one angry chick

push around this woman

far with Boudicca

Smash the Roman foe-man

headed straight for the city

Unlike me, it wasn't pretty

but what made their red blood curl

enough being beaten, but beaten by a girl?

Boy, how we attacked 'em

Up and down parade 'em

St Albans Everybody talk about dead Romans

up the Roman road that's known as Watling Street

us in the forest, then thrashed us to a defeat

not the kind of gal who'll sit and cry

You know I'd rather die

take me prisoner, so I led the Roman boys on

I swallowed special poison

capture a non-starter

Our tribe always remembered

It wasn't just Romans who invaded Britain, you know,

us Vikings did it, too.

I love this band.

the great North Sea

the skies that night

something wasn't right

your English shore

but we wanted more

this place tonight

sleepy town alight

and burn and drink

what you think

won't you, please?

raid your monastery

and ready to attack

just don't fight back

become a slave to me

get chucked in the sea, yeah

yeah, yeah!

your head, my friend

get ya in the end

from your skull

and that's how we roll

Play that axe, Ragnar!

the whole town red

everything that you own

and go back home

It's true, you know,

the Vikings did used to drink out of the skulls of their enemies,

but they weren't the only ones to do it.

So did some people called Incas,

over in South America, in around 1450 AD,

when this bloke was in charge.

the Incan Lord

"he who shapes the earth"

claiming nearby lands

treat dead enemies that really took the biscuit

out of their arms

a hillside my troops hid to cause a rival strife

it looked like

they are my warriors," I then used to boast

helped us win wars

out of their arms

we'd stuff you like a scarecrow

[SCREAMS]

fingers on the stretched skin of your belly

they'd tap that tum

but more smelly

[LAUGHS]

I love a good party, me.

Eh, and no one loved a good party more than the Stuart king

who came to power in 1661.

and the people love me

the English monarchy

French, Italian A little bit Dane

Named after me, too

with a nutty hairdo

I can't recall

because I love a masked ball

Bells ring, ding ding

who brought back partying

his throne and kings were banned

then Ollie Cromwell ruled the land

He was glum and he was proud

Only sinning's not allowed

the people said, "Charlie, me hearty

Come back, we'd rather party"

what they called the Monarchy Restoration

by a huge celebration

who brought back partying

Fire was a whopper in my reign

did what was right and proper

proved I'm more than a bopper

She was a love so true

Well, maybe one or two

Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

but her name's not as silly as

I broke the wedding rules

when I brought back the crown jewels?

make-up, sports and even plays

They were good old days

run England for fun

loved by everyone My song is done

Party, anyone?

Ahh. I was parched. Anyone else fancy a drink?

It's squash. Squashed beetle squash.

Now, here's another famous man from the end of the Stuart era.

But he's one you really wouldn't want to meet.

I boarded a clipper

as a goods importer, oh!

fame as Blackbeard, the pirate of the water, oh

With a jaunty cap

crew good quarter, oh

blood and guts and gore

of murdering and slaughter, oh!

blood and guts and gore

of murdering and slaughter, oh!

With a sword and pistol

farewell to old Blighty, oh

Was my thick black beard

enjoyed setting light to, oh!

for a captive's lovely ring

in the nighty, oh!

I just said oh

and said righty-o

He said oh

and said righty-o

that inspired emotion

of skull and bones

with a violent stabbing motion

escape detection and to win my crew's affection

the 12 guns he wore on his belt

but I had the odd vice

caused a commotion

was shoot members of my crew

show enough devotion

was shoot members of the crew

show enough devotion

I shot my first mate

for a bit of pleasure, oh

killed half of my crew

of the treasure, oh!

then seemed to run out of men

at their leisure, oh

Then cut off my head

for good measure, oh!

Chopped off his head

for good measure, oh!

Blackbeard really was a bad-tempered sort.

But then so was our last Georgian King, about a century later.

I don't think he liked waiting nearly 60 years to take the throne.

the Regent King

was just standing in

George III, had gone barking mad

Banana!

Buckingham was one of mine

And wives?

the great loves of my life

girls than I ate pies

Go away.

married Queen Caroline

agreed to tie the knot

all sorts of strife

A divorced Catholic?

but the mad old goat just wouldn't die

Still here! Oh! Spoke too soon.

At last, I can go solo!

older than your nan

the ruler of our nation

from my coronation

that I did hate her

just three weeks later

pies that I got through

later I died, too

Hello, have we met? I'm a kangaroo.

the great loves of my life

girls than I ate pies

years on the throne

Yee-ha! We're having ourselves a fancy dress par-tay.

In 1866, cowboys ruled the range in America.

But the real cowboys weren't much like the ones you see in the movies.

Oh, no.

Just a quiet humble fella

apart from Mike

pass the evenings

soothes the herd so they won't stampede

-Mike! -Sorry.

Real-life cowboys

the ones you've seen on your TV

held up banks at all

wanna be a cowboy

saddle sore's a curse

just make it worse

[FARTS]

back driving cattle

being a cowboy means

beasts from west to east

[FARTS] it's the beans

Real-life cowboys

you've seen in the movies

like that John Wayne

horses would complain

wanna be a cowboy

some customs that are strange

not "Hello" When you're out here on the range

took your old mare?

I'd shoot you, of course

Real-life cowboys

on silver screens

out starting fights

fought for our rights

thanks to beans

[FARTING MELODY]

-How was that? -It stunk!

that the end is drawing near

ruled the range for 20 years

ALL: Yee-ha!

That's right, the cowboy era only lasted for about 20 years.

But over in Britain, many of the things the Victorians invented

are still with us today.

Queen Victoria's A period notorious

goods we did create

glorious Though I don't intend to bore yas

great invention

Was it really? What did we invent then?

I'm just about to mention

Let's raise the tension

-[CLEARING THROAT] -[DRUM ROLL]

Music hall

[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING]

invented molten steel

creating the automobile

tyres and bikes So all that was required

and tarmac thought up, too

plenty to reveal

brains worked overtime to come up with ideas

Now news was fast conveyed

Hello.

Till a second phone was made

Hello.

What a picture!

toilet paper, post boxes and stamps

aspirin, anaesthetics, locks, electric lamps

x-rays, comics, ice cream in a pot

Oh, hang on. There's more.

and the Underground as well

and disinfectant for their smell

One last unmentioned brand

the world's first conveyer band

Cuddly toy?

Invented 1902, the year after Victoria died.

[COUGHS]

We invented dynamite.

Talking of dynamite, let's finish the show

with a bit of 1939-style girl power.

Carry on.

Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

Our hubbies went to war

In England's needy hour?

-You what? -Course not.

fighting World War Two

gonna boo-hoo-hoo

War Two, too, girls Plenty we can do, girls

the World War Two girls Our war begins right here

weapons in the factory

even time you when you're on the loo

means I'm always mucky

name down for a bath

can't do It wasn't long till our roles grew

needs you, girls Army, Navy, too, girls

the World War Two girls This is our career

plain-speaking

Air Force miss

foreign-spying I do all this

while our men fight far away

Helping save the day

Manual labour hurts

this scratchy tie and shirt

though We'll be proud 'cause we will know

Came to the rescue, girls

the World War Two girls Original girl power

Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.

Uh, what's that? Encore? Oh, okay, just one more.

But don't tell anyone. Get ready to scream, girls.

[LAUGHS]

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to Horrible Histories

the four King Georges of the Georgian era withBorn 2 Rule.

Just 'cause I was Protestant

whose English stank King George number one

now that's clear especially with my father here

died of diarrhoea I fought with my son

with my 60-year reign

with my giant frame

what we told you to

our blood was blue

girls adored me Ladies all swooned before me

me Or I'd have their husbands killed

Prince Charles Bonnie

that I was fu-fu-funny

were not thrilled

to rule over you

to rule over you

Then I died on the loo

as a bonkers kangaroo-oo

more at home in a zoo

Now our song is through

-ALL: Georges. -Banana.

We gave you all the fearsome facts

or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

ghastly, mean and cruel

teach you at school

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories