Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages # Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

Us cavemen had lots of unusual traditions.

You wouldn't believe some of them if you saw them today.

Ow! Who did that?

DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.

Deceased is a male, Stone Age cave dweller.

Early 30s. Cause of death, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Seventeen arrows fired directly into the chest.

[SOBBING]

Oh, no, no, sorry. Sorry, that was us. We did that when we found him.

You fired 17 arrows into the corpse of your loved one?

It's just an old Stone Age mark of respect.

Okay, well, we'll ignore the arrows.

Oh, probable cause of death

is the victim having his head sliced open and his brains removed.

[CAVEWOMAN SOBBING]

Oh, no, sorry. Sorry, we did that, too.

You sliced his head open and removed his brains?

Just our little tribute.

Another Stone Age ritual for the dead, you know.

Also present, a piece of raw, rotting meat.

Could be poisoned.

Sorry. Sorry, we left that for him as well.

It's to keep him going through the afterlife,

till he catches some food.

Never mind the afterlife, love,

I'm trying to work out what sent him there.

A-ha! Traces of a suspect red powder.

Yeah, that'd be make-up. Us again. Sorry.

We wanted him to look his best.

Oh, well, he looks great with 17 arrows poking out of his chest

and half his head lopped off.

It's what he would've wanted.

I suppose the dead dog was you as well?

We thought he might get lonely in the afterlife.

-And, uh, what's the big bear for? -[BEAR GROWLING]

Oh, no. No, that wasn't us.

-That's what killed him. -Ah.

[BEAR GROWLING]

Cause of death was the big... Big bear!

Big bear. Big bear. Big bear. Big bear. Big bear. Big bear.

[LAUGHING]

Do you know, it's true,

some cavemen did slice open dead people's heads to remove the brains.

[CHUCKLES] They may have even cooked and eaten them, too. Mmm.

Here's a brain I prepared earlier. As you can see, it's from a PE teacher.

[CACKLING]

Lots of what we know about Stone Age people

comes from what's been found in burial pits like that one.

And also from prehistoric cave paintings.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

Hello, and welcome to the Caveman Art Show.

-I'm Ugg, and this is Grunt. -Grunt.

Today we're going to be showing you how to paint like a caveman.

Now, Grunt's already made a start with his picture,

so let's have a look and see how he's doing.

-Come on. -Grunt paint picture.

That's a lovely prehistoric picture, Grunt.

-And who are these two fellows here? -Grunt.

-That's you, is it? -Grung.

-That's Grung. -Dead.

Grung's dead.

And who's this chap here, being chased by the mammoth?

That Ugg.

[GRUNTING]

Excuse me, what? What?

You know I'm sensitive about my weight.

-Sorry. -There's a line.

I just got carried away.

I'm also going to show you an ancient caveman painting technique.

Now, for this you're going to have to make your own paint.

Now, what I like to use is iron minerals, like these.

Now, we take our minerals, put them into our pot...

And you need to mix them with a certain kind of liquid.

Personally, I think blood works best.

-Grunt, I need some blood. -[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS] Don't be silly, I'm not going to use your blood.

Just pass us the blood we've already got.

[LAUGHING]

Idiot.

Now, I'm just going to pour some of this in the pot

and mix it together to make a paint.

Once you've done that, you'll need a bone.

-Grunt, I need a bone. -[GRUNTS]

The one we've already got.

[CHUCKLES] You thought I was going to hit you then, didn't you?

Well, I am.

Once you've got your bone,

you need to get all the marrow out from the inside,

so it makes a hollow tube, like this.

Then you take your bone tube

and stick it in your paint and you suck it up.

[GASPS]

[COUGHING]

[SPITTING] I'm okay.

Okay, carry on?

Make sure you suck gently now,

you don't want the paint going up into your mouth, do you, Grunt?

-No. -No.

So once you've got some paint in your bone tube,

you need to go over to the wall and place your hand on the wall.

Then you can blow the paint all over your hand.

Then, when you take your hand away,

it makes a lovely handprint, like so.

-[CHUCKLES] Grunt paint hand. -Well done, Grunt.

Grunt do foot.

No, I don't think you should do that, Grunt.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, where's the door?

See you all next week.

[NARRATOR READING]

During World War Two, there could be spies anywhere.

You had to watch what you said and what you wrote.

So to pass on secret messages,

the Army had to use secret codes.

So my idea is we write everything backwards,

so to the enemy it will look like complete gobbledegook.

It's brilliant! Um, for example, if we were to write the word "eye",

we would do it backwards, like so.

Eye!

Oh.

Um, bad example.

If we were writing the word "madam", we'd do it backwards, like this.

[SPELLING]

Oh.

If we were writing the word "racecar",

then we'd spell it backwards, which would be...

Yes, I think it might be back to the drawing board

with that one, old bean.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

I tell you, this secret code lark is a darn tricky business.

Isn't it just.

Well, thanks for nothing!

My word! Agent Saunders?

We thought you were in that prison camp at Drancy.

No, I escaped.

No thanks to you idiots.

-Steady on now, chap. -Steady on?

I've just crossed the whole of occupied France with no money and no map.

Did you even get my letter?

Some time ago, I'm afraid it didn't make a great deal of sense.

I used Sergeant Hall's code, just like you said.

"Escape planned January 2nd, send map and money."

You just read every word after the punctuation,

just like we discussed.

Ah, every word after the punctuation.

See, we were reading every word before the punctuation.

"Please prepare the old goat for wedding."

Why on earth would I say that?

Well, we were rather confused.

As was the goat.

[BLEATING]

So, it turns out you're better at this secret code lark than we are.

Would you mind helping us with this one, old boy?

Ah, yes, now we got this letter from Agent Blenkinsopp

about three weeks ago.

And so far we've been unable to work out which code he's been using.

"Trapped in Paris, please send help."

Now, what is he trying to tell us?

There's a message in there somewhere.

[SIGHS] I'm going for a bath.

Do you actually think he's trapped in Paris, do you?

Where's Paris?

[NARRATOR READING]

[READING]

When the paper was heated, the wee writing became visible.

Yes, British spies had lots of cunning devices

and all the gadgets you're about to see really were used in World War Two.

MAN: Psst! Are you Agent Sophie?

[WHISPERING] Yes, I am she.

Agent Sophie, welcome to France.

I am Claude, your contact in the French Resistance.

I understand you have some instructions for me?

Yes, they're in my suitcase.

-Here you go. -Uh, wait a minute.

You come all the way to German-occupied France

to tell me I need a wash and to brush my teeth?

No, of course not.

Although...

The secret instructions are hidden inside the soap and the toothpaste.

They're written on silk.

Oh, this is very clever.

So if the Germans search your suitcase, they won't find anything.

-[CHUCKLES] Ingenious. -We thought so.

So, tell me, what do you have hidden inside these things?

Well, the hairbrush contains some spare money

and the chess set has a map of France hidden in it,

just in case I lose my way.

Amazing! You British secret agents

have so many things hidden inside other things.

It is wonderful.

Oh, but I see you also have brought some dinner, and what's this?

Ooh la la, a bottle of wine.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Be careful with that.

The bottle of wine is actually a bomb.

Of course it is. I should have guessed.

Next you'll be telling me

that you have hidden a machine gun inside this fish.

Yes. Is it that obvious?

I'll have to tell the boffins in London to work on that.

They really are geniuses, you know.

They've even made mines that look just like animal poo.

Ah. So you are telling me

that this cowpat is actually a landmine.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, it even smells like the real thing.

No, no, no. That is an actual cowpat.

I didn't bring that with me.

Will you pass me the soap, please?

[NARRATOR READING]

We Romans loved to watch gory gladiators.

Some fought with a net and trident,

some with a spear and a shield, others with two swords.

And then there were the gladiators who fought with...

[LAUGHING]

Well, just watch this.

I want you to go out there and wipe the floor with him.

You want me to wipe the floor with him?

Don't literally wipe the floor with him. That's gonna take ages and look silly.

But go out there and show him who's boss.

Show him who's boss? Right, I'm...

No, no, don't try and give him a job.

Just go out there and give him a good licking.

You want me to lick him?

Just go out there and kill him, you big lug.

Kill him! Yeah!

-Yeah! Now are you ready? -Yes.

No... Oi! No, no, no, are you ready?

[YELLING] Yes!

Well, there's your sword.

You've got your shield and there's your blindfold.

-Now, you go and get him. -Come on...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Blindfold?

Yeah, well, you're an Andabatae now.

That's a very special sort of gladiator

and they fight with a sword, a shield and a blindfold.

Can I not just have a sword and a shield and then...

Well, that'd make you a Secutores.

Right, I'd like to be one of those, please.

Problem is, Geoff,

they've already kind of announced you as an Andabatae,

so it's a bit awkward.

I mean, your opponent's an Andabatae as well.

-He'll be wearing a blindfold. -Oh, that's fair enough, then.

-I'll cut him to pieces! -Yeah.

-If I can find him. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

Right, well, go on then, give him hell.

Yeah. Come on then!

Wait, left a bit. There you go.

Oh.

[SPECTATORS CHEERING]

Left a bit. Left a bit. Little bit more.

Get... Oh, not as far as... Oh, oh.

I do not want to see that.

Anyone got a blindfold?

That's 100% accu-rat.

Andabatae were blindfolded and pushed towards each other

by people with sticks.

That's right... [GRUNTING] Excuse me!

Until one of them managed to kill their opponent,

wherever they were.

The worst thing about it? It was winner stays on.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, yeah.

And there were even sillier ways to die in Roman times.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny 'cause they're true, whoo!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee-hee #

[SIGHS] Next!

Hello, I'm Diodorus. Um, the Hunchback.

You don't look much like a hunchback.

Oh, yes, um, that's why I'm here, really.

Ooh, interesting.

I'm all ears. Entertain me.

Well, I'd been a hunchback for years, so I'd given up all hope of any cure,

but then I met Dr Socles and he's a Greek medical expert.

And he said that he could fix my crooked spine.

Ooh, this sounds like it's gonna be good.

He told me to lie on my stomach and hold my breath and close my eyes,

and then he put three massive stones on my back.

[CHUCKLES] And?

And when I opened my eyes, I was cured.

Oh, dear.

But unfortunately, I was also dead.

Hooray! [LAUGHING]

Squished by Dr Socles' stones. They'd crushed my spine.

[LAUGHING] That's hilarious.

Ooh, have you met my flatmate, Diodorus?

"Flat mate", get it?

Oh, dear, you're through to the afterlife.

-Oh, thank you. -Well done.

-[PATTING BACK] Off you pop. -Ah! Ow!

Do you know, oh, I love my job sometimes.

I do, I really do.

Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo #

[NARRATOR READING]

Ow, my head.

[SHOUTING] Do you suffer from headaches?

Yes, I do, and you're not helping.

[SOFTLY] Do you suffer from headaches?

That's better. Yes, yes, I do.

Need something fast and effective to relieve the pain?

Yes, I do.

[SHOUTING] Then why not try the latest Saxon cure,

Bag-O-Swallow-Chick- Stomach-Stones. Yes!

It's simple.

Just find a couple of swallow chicks,

cut them open and look for little stones in their stomach.

Ugh, this is disgusting.

-Now what? -Obvious!

Just sew them into a little bag and pop it on your head.

-Are you sure about this? -Sure I'm sure.

Just keep the bag on till the headache's gone.

And no sudden movements or the bag may fall off.

MAN: Vikings are coming. Run for your life!

[READING]

Uh, the Vikings are coming.

It'll even cure people plagued by goblins.

Yes, but will they cure Vikings?

[MAN READING]

No. Run away!

[SCREAMING]

I've still got that headache, you know.

VIKING: Soon you won't have a head to ache.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is B

Horse droppings, baked dry and rubbed into a powder.

And if you think that's weird,

Saxons also believed having a pig on your battle helmet

would bring you good luck.

Helmets, get your shiny helmets.

All right, mate?

I'd like a refund for this helmet you sold me.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I bought it because it's got a pig on the top.

Yeah, well, it's a very popular choice.

Pig is a favourite animal of our Saxon god Frey.

But you assured me...

I mean, this helmet would bring me good luck.

-Yeah, well, it does. -Yeah?

Well, explain this.

Oh. Oh, that is nasty.

Tell you what, I'll get you a refund.

Where did he go?

[WOMAN READING]

[MAN READING]

[FARTS]

The word "Wednesday" is named after Woden, the chief Saxon god.

He's also the god of poets.

Now, here's something odd.

He owned a horse with eight legs and wings so it flew.

The weather forecast for tomorrow,

downpours of horse poo.

[LAUGHING]

[NARRATOR READING]

In 1520, King Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France

in a celebration of peace between the two countries.

What could possibly go wrong?

MAN: Welcome toHorrible Histories World Wrestling.

We are ringside at the Field of the Cloth of Gold,

live from France in 1520 AD.

Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head,

King versus King, in a really royal rumble.

So let's meet the wrestlers.

King Francis I of France, King of bling.

He may not be big, but he's fast and he sure is pretty.

Pardon. Is there going to be a fight?

It was my understanding that we were all here to celebrate the peace

between our two great nations,

with the music, art, dancing.

MAN: And fighting!

Okay. Uh, normally I have soldiers to do that sort of thing for me, so...

MAN: Well, not today,

because you're going one on one with Henry VIII, reigning King of England.

He's six foot two inches, a little over 120 kilos

and not all of it muscle.

Oi, I heard that.

And if you think Henry's stats are impressive,

just check out his tent for the event.

It's as big as a palace, 100 metres long, 100 metres wide.

It's got its own chapel, 35 priests and two fountains flowing with wine.

I've been fighting all my life,

but this is the big one.

I am going to take you down.

I am going to tear you apart.

I'm going to rip your legs off.

Is this really necessary?

Aren't we meant to be celebrating the long, historic friendship

between our two peoples?

What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight?

MAN: Well, the tension here is almost unbearable.

-[BELL DINGS] -And here we go,

for the biggest, longest, most gruelling wrestling match in history.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

It's all over.

Alors,who's for some art, music and dancing?

Best of three.

Bon!

It's true! Francis I beat Henry by tripping him up. Ha!

Henry was a really bad loser.

He always liked to get his own way, did Henry.

So just imagine how well it went down

when the Pope told him he couldn't get a divorce. Ooh.

I'm imagining it. I'm imagining it. I'm imagining it!

HENRY VIII: Oh.

[HUMMING]

Oh, yes.[LAUGHS]

-Yes, I'm still a handsome devil. -[DINGS]

Oh, what's this?

Could it be that my dear wife Catherine has given birth?

Oh, she has. Please be a boy.

Please be a boy. Please be a boy.

-[FANFARE ON COMPUTER] -Oh, no!

Oh, no.

Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies?

No, I must have a male heir.

A queen on the English throne would be disastrous.

I mean, girls are too silly to rule countries.

This is all my wife's fault.

I'm going to divorce her. No, worse.

I'm going to drop her from my top eight on Yebo

and then I'm going to divorce her.

Yes, see how she likes that.

-There we go. Take that, you... -[DINGS]

Oh, no. That's put the King of France in my top eight.

And he's an idiot.

Right, I'm going to have to completely rearrange my friends list now.

[RINGING]

[GRUNTS] The Pope.

What does he want?

Ah, Your Holiness. Hello to you.

Uh, I thought you were languishing in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon.

[LAUGHS]

I am, but it has excellent wi-fi coverage.

Henry, is it true?

You dropped the Queen from your top eight on Yebo?

Yes, it's true.

She bore me the wrong kind of baby.

I specifically asked for a boy. Mmm.

So I'd like to divorce her, if that's okay with you.

What? No! No, absolutely not!

HENRY VIII: Well, it's too late.

I'm looking on tudorbrides.com as we speak.

-But Henry, now listen to me. -There we go. Here's one.

[READING]

Well, I must marry her right away.

Henry, the Catholic Church unremittingly refuses your request for a divorce.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm just going to set up my own church,

if you're going to be like that.

What are you talking about? You can't set up your own church.

You need scriptures and a dogma.

[LAUGHING]

That is...so 1529.

You can do it all online now. Yeah.

Yep, there we go.[LAUGHS]

Church of Henry. Yes, that's it.

Oh, it's gone.

Henry, I implore you,

please, think of the...

Think of the implications, the damage it will cause, Henry.

Church of England, yep, that'll do. [LAUGHS]

Henry, please, listen to me.

I'm the Pope.

Henry! Henry!

-Sorry, Your Holiness. -I'm the Pope.

Gotta go, email just popped in. It might be from Anne Boleyn.

Well, see you later.

Oh, what does this idiot want?

King of France, indeed.

Oh, he sent me a virus. Very clever.

Well done, yeah. [EXHALES] Idiot!

[NARRATOR READING]

We Incas were discovered in South America

in the 1500s by Spanish explorers,

and it turned out they were after more than just our friendship.

Hola. Welcome to Very Rough Guides.

It's 1526, and I am Spanish explorer Francisco Pizzaro.

-This is my right-hand man, Pedro. -Hola.

Today's programme is all about visiting Peru.

-And stealing all of their gold. -Pedro, please.

Don't talk about stealing the gold, okay? [LAUGHS]

-Sorry, boss. -Okay.

The journey here was very simple.

All we had to do was sail 5,000 miles from Spain to Panama,

travel over land through the dense jungle,

then build a whole new boat and sail down the coast to Peru.

It only took us two and a half years.

Easy peasy, squeeze the lemon.

And now we are going to meet some local Incas,

see how they live and find out about their magnificent culture.

-And steal all their gold. -Pedro, please.

Don't mention the stealing the gold, okay?

When we met them, the local Incas couldn't have been more welcoming.

-Children of the sun. -Oh, yeah!

-Hello. -Welcome.

PIZZARO: They thought we were sun gods because of the way the sun

reflected off our steel armour.

Why not take us sun gods to see all your lovely gold,

so we can steal it?

Pedro, I told you not to mention the gold, okay?

What is wrong with you?

Do you want to pop in? Follow us.

PIZZARO: The Incans have some very unusual attitudes to wealth.

I'm an Incan Chief. I'm very rich.

Wonderful. How very rich, exactly?

Very rich. I have many wives, many children, many grandchildren.

-What about gold? -Pedro, please.

Yes, we've got lots of gold,

but I don't see what that's got to do with being rich.

Oh, nothing at all. Don't worry about it.

It's not a problem. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. No, I...

It's brilliant. In Peru, there is so much gold

the Incans don't really value it. [LAUGHING]

For them, your family, your followers are your real riches, huh.

No, no, don't... Okay. Gold is worthless.

-Okay, we're going to go now, so bye. -Bye.

-Bye-bye. -Nice to meet you.

-Ta-ta. -Okay.

Walk, don't run.

Well, they seem very nice.

PIZZARO: I really recommend a visit to Peru.

My first trip has only cost me 100,000 pesos,

but next time I will bring extra troops and I will make millions, huh,

from stealing all their gold.

-Shh! -What? Don't you push me.

-Yeah, but you said... -What? It's okay now. Huh?

Do you see Incas around? No.

-What is wrong with you all the time? -Why do you have to push me...

Pizzaro grew up in Spain as a poor boy whose job it was to look after the pigs.

It's said that his parents ran away and left him,

and he was brought up by a sow.

Imagine that.

Eh, Pizzaro, your room looks like a pigsty.

Well done, son. [SNORTS]

[LAUGHING]

But it wasn't just the Spaniards who were ruthless,

so were some of the Incas.

WOMAN: And now on Horrible Histories, a music video exclusive.

It's the Incan Lord Pachacuti withThe Pachacuti Song.

# I'm Pachacuti, the Incan Lord

# All other tribes dread it

# My name means "he who shakes the earth"

# Not that I'm big-headed

# When it comes to claiming nearby lands

# I was the type to risk it

# But it's how I treat dead enemies that really took the biscuit

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Turn teeth into charms # Do the Pachacuti

# And make flutes out of their arms # Pachacuti

# Once on a hillside, my troops hid to cause a rival strife

# And when they jumped out it looked like

# The ground had come to life

# "The rocks, they are my warriors," I then used to boast

# And that little lie helped us win wars

# But violence helped the most

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Turn teeth into charms # Do the Pachacuti

# Make flutes out of their arms # Pachacuti

# If you were a rival chief

# We'd kill you first and then

# We'd stuff you like a scarecrow

# But one for scaring men

[SCREAMS]

# Then we'd rest your bony fingers on the stretched skin of your belly

# And in the breeze, they'd tap that tum

# Like a drummer, but more smelly

# I drink from their skull # Do the Pachacuti

# Pull out their teeth whole # Do the Pachacuti

# Use their skin as a drum # Do the Pachacuti

# I've never had so much fun # Pachacuti #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #