Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

The famous Battle of Hastings took place in 1066,

and if you want to know what happened

you just have to look at the Bayeux Tapestry.

It tells the whole story.

-Then she fell over. -[CHUCKLING]

You're watching the news at 1066 with me, Dagburt Broadaxe.

And me, Matilda Highwimple.

And we bring you news of a major battle at Hastings on the Sussex coast.

Reports of the battle are only just beginning to reach us,

live by tapestry.

I must apologise for the time delay,

but these scenes have taken a while to embroider.

It all seems to have started with the funeral of King Edward,

after which, of course, Harold became King of England

and this annoyed William of Normandy,

who thought the crown had been promised to him.

These exclusive pictures show the Normans building their invasion fleet,

stockpiling weapons, and setting sail for England.

No resistance when they landed, of course,

as Harold was away fighting Vikings in Yorkshire at the time.

Dagburt, do we know yet what the Normans did after they landed?

Well, Matilda, they do come from France,

so naturally they cooked themselves a massive meal.

Let's take a look now at the war zone itself.

This report contains scenes of violence which some viewers may find disturbing.

We're in the thick of battle and it looks like the English infantry

have left the safety of the high ground

and been trapped by the Norman cavalry.

Sorry to interrupt, Matilda, but we're getting some breaking news.

It looks like King Harold has been killed.

That's what we're hearing, yes, King Harold has been killed.

We don't know yet whether King Harold is the one you can see

with the arrow in his eye or the one on the right

being chopped down by the sword, it could be either.

It looks like it's all over.

So, William is now officially the conqueror,

and the Normans have taken over Anglo-Saxon England.

It's a truly sad day for us all.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] What's that you are saying?

Well, I was actually going to say it was a very happy day.

O happy day. Isn't that right, Matilda?

Yes, Dagburt. Whoo-hoo! Yipee.

Yes. Bonjour.

Most historians think the Bayeux Tapestry

was made in Canterbury, in Kent, a few years after 1066.

Today it is in a museum in Bayeux, in France.

Tickets are 8 euros for adults, four for children,

and rats go free if they shimmy down the drainpipe. [LAUGHING]

And it wasn't just tapestries.

War provided the inspiration for songs in the Middle Ages as well.

WOMAN: Out now, the latest album from Middle Ages French troubadour

Bertran De Born,Now That's What I Call Miserable, Volume 3.

Featuring the unforgettable...

[SINGING IN FRENCH ACCENT]

The enigmatic...

And the haunting ballad...

Lyre solo.

Also featuring all his other best ever lyrics.

[ANNOUNCER READING]

Buy it now before Bertran gives up and becomes a monk.

Listen, kiddo, you were dreadful, just dreadful.

How dare you!

When you become a monk, I hope you take a vow of silence.

That Simon Cowell is so nasty and horrible.

I must write a song about him.

# Simon Cowell, Simon Cowell

# Your trousers are too high and everybody prefers Sharon #

[NARRATOR READING]

Victorian Britain was a very dangerous place to grow up.

In fact, only half of Victorian children lived to the age of five.

Good day.

Right, better give these dishes a good clean.

[GROANING]

Oh, hello, love. You're back early.

How was the factory?

You are not going to believe this.

The managers wound the clock forward half hour,

then fined us for being half hour late.

-Oh, honestly. -Unbelievable.

Dad?

-What is it, seventh child? -It's my birthday.

-Is it? -Well, how old are you?

-Five. -Five! Well done, lad.

So, you haven't got me a birthday present?

We didn't think you'd make it this far.

-Well, what would you like? -I'd like a name.

A name?

Well, the thing is, son,

coming up with good names is very tricky,

and given you only had a 50% chance

of surviving as far as you have,

we just thought we wouldn't bother.

That's why we call you seventh child, seventh child.

Oh, well, I suppose he could have a name.

I mean, it is his birthday, after all.

Okay, um... Oh, what about Jack?

Oh! Well, Jack it is, then.

Oh, and I've got an even better present for you.

-What is it? -A job.

-[GASPING IN AWE] -Now you're five years old,

you can come and work in the factory with your old dad.

You start tomorrow, 6:00 sharp.

Actually, best make it 5:30,

in case they try and pull that clocks trick again.

How are we going to top this present for his next birthday?

Well, he's going to be cleaning the cogs in the new machine at the factory,

so I don't think we need to worry about his next birthday.

It's true. In Victorian times,

many poor children went to work in dangerous factories

from the age of five. Five!

Some people got to work in nice, posh houses instead.

But then, that wasn't much fun, either.

Hi! I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Maid,

the labour-saving revolution.

[SHOUTY MAN READING]

And what's more, it works for 16 solid hours

without needing a break, or at least without getting a break.

Is there no end to what Victorian Maid can do?

Not if you give it a long enough list.

And what's more... [SHOUTY MAN READING]

...then we'll replace it with a younger model

for the same low, low price.

Buy now

and we'll include this unique honesty test, free of charge.

Simply place the coin under a rug, and if it's not found,

that's bad cleaning. Time to replace Victorian Maid.

Or if it is found and it's not given back to you,

that's dishonest. Time to replace Victorian Maid.

New Victorian Maid can be yours for the incredible low, low price

of just £6 a year. Now, that's a bargain!

Try new Victorian Maid today.

[SHOUTY MAN READING]

[WOMAN READING WARNING]

So, I think we've established

we Victorians were pretty vile to each other.

Well, we were pretty vile to other creatures, too.

Oh, yes, we were.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Greetings, terror lovers.

I am Vincenzo Larfoff.

And this week's scary story is from the Victorian times.

It's called The Freaks.

It was in the reign of Queen Victoria, a most eerie era of fearful years,

where a dark new trend came to grip the world,

the freak show.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, that could not be less like the music I had in mind.

-Try track seven. -[CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING]

-Track eight. -[OMINOUS ORGAN CHORDS PLAYING]

The freak show was a most vulgar place

where those with unusual bodies or unique gifts

were made to perform as freaks for the amusement of a gasping public.

But in amongst the bearded ladies and pinheaded men

lurked a creature truly deserving of the name "freak".

The Fiji mermaid!

The crazed creature had a head and arms almost human in appearance,

but from the waist down

its body was that of a fish.

But this mermaid was not alive.

Just imagine the shock, the fear, the revulsion

felt by those that witnessed a true, living, breathing freak.

-The pig-faced lady! -[PIG SQUEALING]

You see, that... That just isn't very scary, is it?

Can we try slowing it down or something?

[PIG SQUEALING SLOWLY]

That'll have to do.

As the eager public entered her tent, there was the lady.

Her eyes dark and hooded, her face wide and grizzled,

her nose pushed forward into a wet, wrinkled snout.

And from her cavernous mouth came not a voice,

but growls and snorts that shook the tent around her.

What was this pig-faced lady?

-And the answer. It was a shaved bear... -[SQUEALING STOPS]

What?

The pig-faced lady wasn't a lady at all,

It was a drunk bear with its fur shaved off?

And the mermaid was a dead monkey sewn onto a fish

and covered in papier-mache?

Can someone on this production please get a dictionary

and look up the word "scary"?

I turned down a film premiere to do this, you know.

But where am I? I'm here, reading some rubbish about dead monkeys.

That's it, I'm burning the book. Don't try and stop me.

No, no, get off, get off, I'm burning it.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hiya, fashion fans and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix.

This week I'll be making over a smelly Celtic farmer,

so best take some precautions.

Let's meet Drostan.

You look perfectly clean.

[SNIFFING] You smell good, too.

Well, Celts do use soap.

My apologies, Drostan, let's start over.

-Tell us a bit about yourself. -I hate Romans.

-Okay, and any hobbies? -Hating Romans.

Well, you're in luck, because this week, I'll be making you over

as the ultimate Celtic warrior, a Roman-killing psycho.

Yes!

First things first, let's do something about that ridiculous moustache.

It isn't nearly ridiculous enough. [SNAPS FINGERS]

There, shorter hair and a longer moustache,

that really says "Celtic warrior".

The hair is spiked and bleached using crushed-up limestone.

It's nature's all-in-one bleach and hair gel.

-Nice. -You go, Drostan.

So, can I go and kill me some Romans now?

Soon. First, we have to get you out of those clothes.

All right.

-So, what am I going to wear? -Nothing.

-What? -Well, you do get to wear this.

There.

What, is that it?

Well, your neckband is carved with signs to bring you good luck in battle.

I'm going to need it, aren't I, mate,

if I'm going to fight the Romans in my birthday suit.

I'm in the nude, look at me. I'm naked, I'm in the nude.

All right. Going to have some trouble with this one.

We've got some woad leaves here,

and I've squished up the seeds into a lovely blue dye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you going to do with that?

There, every inch the Celtic warrior.

-I look ridiculous. -The flowers were my idea.

What? What flowers? Oh!

[GRUNTING]

What's he doing?

-[SNARLING] -What are you doing?

I'm working my way up into a Celtic warrior battle frenzy.

I go absolutely bananas and then kill everything in my path.

Not on my show, sister.

That's it for this week. Join us next time,

when I'll be teaching a Saxon monk how to jazz up his cassock

with a Viking's axe in his head. See you then.

-I'm really sorry about the... -It's okay.

It's true. Some Celtic warriors fought naked, yeah.

They believed that if the gods had decided today was their day to die,

then all the armour in the world wasn't going to protect them.

And did you know, one of the most famous Celtic warriors

was actually a woman.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

# Gonna cause a stink Won't be the first to blink

# I'm not who you think Don't mess with me

# I'm Boudicca

# My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king

# I was his queen so due to me was half of everything

# Roman law gave half to me So half was what they got

# Until their nasty soldiers came and took the blessed lot

# Hey, mister, I say you got the wrong end of the stick

# His answer turned this sister into one angry chick

# No man Roman'll push around this woman

# You won't get far with Boudicca

# Bowmen, yeomen Smash the Roman foe-man

# All say yah # Yah

# Boudicca

# I built a massive army Headed straight for the city

# Beat them all with ease Unlike me it wasn't pretty

# Chopped them and hacked But what made their red blood curl

# It's bad enough being beaten But being beaten by a girl?

# Whacked 'em, smacked 'em Boy, how we attacked 'em

# Near and far, ha ha ha

# Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em

# Boudicca, toughest by far

# Colchester, London, St Albans Everybody talk about dead Romans

# We marched on up the Roman road that's known as Watling Street

# They trapped us in the forest, then thrashed us to a defeat

# By now you've guessed I'm not the kind of gal who'll sit and cry

# Be sold a slave to Romans? You know I'd rather die

# They tried to take me prisoner So I led the Roman boys on

# Instead of giving in to them I swallowed special poison

# Martyr, smarter, capture a non-starter

# This was our last hurrah

# Slaughtered, dismembered Our tribe always remembered

# Boudicca, superstar

# Boudicca # Superstar #

Don't diss this miss.

[NARRATOR READING]

Everyone knows that weddings can be a bit boring,

but King Charles I certainly made sure

that his bride would never forget their wedding day.

[CHOIR SINGING HYMN]

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry, I am the Duke de Chevreuse,

I'm going to marry you today, enchante.

What? Where's King Charles I?

I'm supposed to marry him, not you.

You could do worse.

-I'm a duke. -He's a king.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I suppose he is.

Anyway, he said to say he's very sorry but he's a bit busy,

so would you mind if I sort of

stood in for him for the whole wedding thing?

Stood in?

Yeah, well, you know, it's a bit difficult for him.

There's this whole tricky business with religion,

you're Catholic, he's not, plus of course, you're in France, he's not.

So, in the end, I just thought it might be easier

to pop down and sort of get married for him.

Does he not want to marry me, then?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He's got this whole second wedding plan

when you get to England next month.

Yeah, a big church in Canterbury, a nice Protestant ceremony,

-big silly cake. -[GIGGLING]

-Okay, then. -Magnifique.

Ready when you are.

Do you, Henrietta Maria take a man who is not here

but somehow knows this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And does, er, King Charles I

take this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah, apparently he does.

Then I now pronounce you friend of the husband

and somebody else's wife. You may kiss the other fellow's bride.

How dare you!

I'm the wife of King Charles I, I think, sort of.

I'm so sorry, I always cry at weddings.

[SOBBING]

It's true. Charles I didn't want a Catholic wedding in a foreign country,

so he got the Duke de Chevreuse to stand in for him.

In fact, thanks to King Charles,

there were lots of crazy goings on in church in the Stuart era.

-Here endeth the lesson. -ALL: Amen.

Now, before we begin prayers today,

I have to inform you there's to be a wee change to the proceedings.

A wee change? I don't like the sound of that, no.

Please, it's a decree from our King, Charles I,

which demands we now use these new Church of England prayer books.

So, if we could just turn to page 109...

What? We're Scottish, we don't need

-some prayer book from England. -MAN: Aye.

We're happy with our own prayer books, thank you very much.

I know, but the King wants all church services in Britain

to be the same, so...

We're Puritans, we like our services to be plain and simple,

like our prayer books.

Not all elaborate and fancy, like the English ones.

Aye, who cares what the King says?

[CROWD AGREEING]

I have to read from it, it's the law.

I'll get into trouble if I don't.

You're not right, you!

-I'm not happy. -Please.

Right, I knew there'd be trouble. Good job I came prepared.

Right. [COCKING GUNS]

Let's just be absolutely clear, shall we?

Hands up, who's happy to read

from the new Church of England prayer book?

I thought so.

Our Father, which art in heaven...

[CLEARS THROAT] Just...

...hallowed by thy name.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome back to HH TV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Today we're at the Georgian games

and we can go ringside with John and Steve

for our big fight live, and what a spectacle we're in for.

Good afternoon and there's a real sense of excitement for today's big fight.

There certainly is, John, these players look very evenly matched,

we could be in for a real corker.

-Seconds out, round one. -[BELL DINGS]

STEVE: And they're straight into the first pinch.

JOHN: Oh, it's a good strong pinch to the upper arm there

and he's showing no signs of pain whatsoever.

STEVE: Well, that's what you've gotta do

if you want to win a Georgian pinching match.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the game,

could you remind us of the rules, Steve?

I certainly can, John. The two competitors stand toe to toe

and simply take it in turns

-to pinch each other. -Right.

Of course, they can't cry out, if they do, it's game over.

-So if I was to do this... -Ow!

...I'd have won the game.

-Yeah, and if I were to do this... -Ah!

...I would have won the game.

Ow! Seriously.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[SHOUTING]

STEVE: Oh, it's all over, it's all over.

Let's look at that final pinch once again in slow motion.

JOHN: Yes, it's a clinical pinch to the ribs.

STEVE: That looks like it hurt. Oof.

Absolutely. So, let's see what's coming up

in these Georgian games.

At 4:00, we have the greased goose-grabbing final

and at 5:00, live and exclusive, we have women fighting for money.

And what about the football, John?

-No, football's rubbish. -Well, I like it.

It's a fad, Steve. It's a fad.

I'm sure long after people have gone off football

they'll still be into pinching matches and greased goose-grabbing.

Back to the studio.

That's right. Georgians used to enjoy watching people

trying to grab a dead, greased goose.

The winner was the one who pulled its head off. Ugh!

And if you think that's shocking,

then you obviously haven't heard about our Georgian army.

Hello, sergeant, I'm your new recruit.

Come to serve your country, have you, sir? That's very noble of you, sir.

Tell me, have you signed your army contract, sir?

Certainly have, there it is.

[YELLING] Right, you horrible little man!

Why aren't you in uniform? You're a disgrace to the army.

Here, put this jacket on.

-That's not very camouflaged, is it? -Of course it isn't.

We want your mates to be able to see you easily,

and not shoot you when you're on a smoky battlefield.

Well, won't the enemy be able to easily see me on the battlefield?

Of course they will.

They'll be standing 50 yards away in a straight line shooting at you.

That's how Georgian armies fight.

Left, right, left, right!

Get your knees up, you horrible little man!

The army thrives on discipline.

You'll be practising drill three hours a day, every day,

and you will like it. Recruits, halt.

-[PANTING] -You hungry, son?

-Good, it's time for your rations. -Oh, good!

Ugh! It's covered in maggots!

Oh, you'll get used to that.

I call that extra meat rations.

That's good old honest Georgian army food, that is.

Right, time for rifle practice.

I will now present you with your weapon,

it's called a Brown Bess. Lovely, isn't she?

-Cor! May I? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just hold it up to your shoulder and pull the trigger.

Oh, sorry about that. You're left-handed, aren't you?

You can only fire the Brown Bess with your right hand,

otherwise the flash goes off in your face.

I don't want to be in the army any more.

Oh, it's too late for that, son.

You're mine for the next 10 years.

Now, on the double, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right...

Oh, forgotten his rations. There's more for me.

Oh, look, there's a beetle there.

Mmm. I like the crunchy shell. Oh, that's lovely, that is. Mmm!

[NARRATOR READING]

Ancient Egyptian Queen, Cleopatra,

went to a lot of trouble to look her best.

Here's how she did it.

Hi, girls. Ever look in the mirror and see this?

When you were hoping to see this? Yeah, me too.

That's why I follow Cleopatra's beauty regime.

And now you can, too. Just listen and learn.

MAN: Tip number one.

If you want your skin to be nice and smooth like mine,

why not bathe in asses' milk?

Ugh! How long has that been there? It really stinks.

MAN: Tip number two.

Enhance those eyes by painting them with black lead.

Hang on, isn't this like really poisonous?

What are you trying to do to me?

Looking better already? You bet I am. And this eye makeup repels flies.

Well, I'm not surprised, it is poisonous. [GIGGLING]

MAN: Tip number three.

Bring a dash of colour to your cheeks with this red ochre made from clay.

Clay? What, like what they make pots out of?

Actually, that does kind of work. Amazing, isn't it?

MAN: Tip number four.

And now for the final touch.

That beauty accessory that no female pharaoh is complete without.

A beard.

[MAN READING]

It's not funny, it just tickles.

It's all true, 100% accu-rat.

Pharaohs were supposed to be men, so Cleopatra had to wear a false beard

whenever she did a sacred task.

You know, like praying for the sun to come up every morning.

Personally, I like girls with a bit of facial hair, yeah.

But then I would, wouldn't I? I am a rat.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is...

all three were used in medicines by ancient Egyptian doctors.

Ooh, it is really sore.

Well, try not to touch it, the doctor will be around soon.

Oh, good. What are the doctors like round here?

Yeah, they're very professional and...

Okay, for some reason we don't understand,

they all seem to be from different historical periods,

and their methods are quite frankly mad.

Good morning, Mrs Carter, I'm Doctor Jenkins.

Oh, you're in luck. He's one of our modern doctors.

Oh, thank goodness!

-So, what seems to be the... -So sorry I'm late.

My name's Dr Isis and I'm from ancient Egypt.

-I'll take it from here, thank you. -Of course.

No, don't go. You know what they're like.

He'll do a load of weird stuff to her

and she'll probably end up dying or something.

Nonsense, I've had all the latest ancient Egyptian medical training.

Now, that is a nasty gash above the right eye.

I'd be tempted to rub some honey into that.

-You see? -Yes, but honey is actually

a rather good antiseptic, ideal for treating a wound such as that.

Oh. Well, what about the pain?

Well, I've got some dried leaves from a myrtle bush here in my bag.

I'd probably feed the patient a few of those.

He wants her to eat leaves.

Yes, but myrtle leaves are very rich in salicylic acid.

It's a basic form of things like aspirin.

So, ideal for treating mild pain.

Actually, I feel quite sick now.

Oh, I've got just the thing for that.

-A lovely bit of limestone. Mmm! -He wants her to eat a rock.

Yes, but limestone is calcium carbonate.

Powdered up, it's the same as we use to treat stomach complaints today.

In fact, I'd say that Dr Isis actually has some very good treatments.

What?

Though, looks like there could be a little infection there.

What do you think, Doctor?

Yes, that could lead to blindness,

which I would treat by mashing up a pig's eye

with a little bit of honey and a little bit of red powder,

and then pouring the mixture into the patient's ear.

Yeah, he's mad, get him.

No! How dare you? I'm not mad!

Ahhh! Mummy!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #