All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E10 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]

# Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars,
ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy
description Cut-throat Celts,
awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings,
cruel crimes
Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and
ruthless Cavemen savage,
fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Welcome to
Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

The famous Battle of Hastings
took place in 1066,

and if you want to
know what happened

you just have to look
at the Bayeux Tapestry.

It tells the whole story.

-Then she fell over.
-[CHUCKLING]

You're watching
the news at 1066
with me, Dagburt Broadaxe.

And me, Matilda Highwimple.

And we bring you news of a
major battle at Hastings on
the Sussex coast.

Reports of the battle
are only just
beginning to reach us,

live by tapestry.

I must apologise
for the time delay,

but these scenes
have taken
a while to embroider.

It all seems to have started
with the funeral
of King Edward,

after which, of course,
Harold became King of England

and this annoyed
William of Normandy,

who thought the crown
had been promised to him.

These exclusive pictures show
the Normans building
their invasion fleet,

stockpiling weapons,
and setting sail for England.

No resistance
when they landed,
of course,

as Harold was
away fighting Vikings
in Yorkshire at the time.

Dagburt, do we know yet what
the Normans did
after they landed?

Well, Matilda,
they do come from France,

so naturally they
cooked themselves
a massive meal.

Let's take a look now
at the war zone itself.

This report contains scenes of
violence which some viewers
may find disturbing.

We're in the thick of battle
and it looks like
the English infantry

have left
the safety of the high ground

and been trapped by
the Norman cavalry.

Sorry to interrupt, Matilda,
but we're getting
some breaking news.

It looks like King Harold
has been killed.

That's what we're hearing,
yes,
King Harold has been killed.

We don't know yet whether
King Harold is
the one you can see

with the arrow in his eye
or the one on the right

being chopped
down by the sword,
it could be either.

It looks like it's all over.

So, William is now officially
the conqueror,

and the Normans
have taken over
Anglo-Saxon England.

It's a truly sad
day for us all.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
What's that you are saying?

Well,
I was actually going to say
it was a very happy day.

O happy day.
Isn't that right, Matilda?

Yes, Dagburt. Whoo-hoo! Yipee.

Yes. Bonjour.

Most historians think
the Bayeux Tapestry

was made in Canterbury,
in Kent,
a few years after 1066.

Today it is in a museum
in Bayeux, in France.

Tickets are 8
euros for adults,
four for children,

and rats go free
if they shimmy down
the drainpipe. [LAUGHING]

And it wasn't just tapestries.

War provided the inspiration
for songs in
the Middle Ages as well.

WOMAN: Out now, the latest
album from Middle Ages
French troubadour

Bertran De Born,Now That's
What I Call Miserable,
Volume 3.

Featuring the unforgettable...

[SINGING IN FRENCH ACCENT]

The enigmatic...

And the haunting ballad...

Lyre solo.

Also featuring all his other
best ever lyrics.

[ANNOUNCER READING]

Buy it now before
Bertran gives up
and becomes a monk.

Listen,
kiddo, you were dreadful,
just dreadful.

How dare you!

When you become a monk,
I hope you take
a vow of silence.

That Simon Cowell
is so nasty and horrible.

I must write a song about him.

# Simon Cowell, Simon Cowell

# Your trousers are too high
and everybody prefers Sharon #

[NARRATOR READING]

Victorian Britain was a very
dangerous place to grow up.

In fact, only half
of Victorian children
lived to the age of five.

Good day.

Right,
better give these dishes
a good clean.

[GROANING]

Oh, hello, love.
You're back early.

How was the factory?

You are not going
to believe this.

The managers wound the clock
forward half hour,

then fined us for
being half hour late.

-Oh, honestly.
-Unbelievable.

Dad?

-What is it, seventh child?
-It's my birthday.

-Is it?
-Well, how old are you?

-Five.
-Five! Well done, lad.

So, you haven't got me
a birthday present?

We didn't think
you'd make it this far.

-Well, what would you like?
-I'd like a name.

A name?

Well, the thing is, son,

coming up with good names
is very tricky,

and given you
only had a 50% chance

of surviving as
far as you have,

we just thought
we wouldn't bother.

That's why we call you
seventh child, seventh child.

Oh, well, I suppose
he could have a name.

I mean, it is his birthday,
after all.

Okay, um...
Oh, what about Jack?

Oh! Well, Jack it is, then.

Oh, and I've got an even
better present for you.

-What is it?
-A job.

-[GASPING IN AWE]
-Now you're five years old,

you can come and work
in the factory
with your old dad.

You start tomorrow,
6:00 sharp.

Actually, best make it 5:30,

in case they try and pull
that clocks trick again.

How are we going
to top this present
for his next birthday?

Well, he's going to be
cleaning the cogs in the new
machine at the factory,

so I don't think
we need to worry
about his next birthday.

It's true. In Victorian times,

many poor
children went to work
in dangerous factories

from the age of five. Five!

Some people got to work
in nice, posh houses instead.

But then,
that wasn't much fun, either.

Hi! I'm a shouty man and I'm
here to tell you about
new Victorian Maid,

the labour-saving revolution.

[SHOUTY MAN READING]

And what's more,
it works for 16 solid hours

without needing a break,
or at least
without getting a break.

Is there no end to
what Victorian Maid can do?

Not if you give it
a long enough list.

And what's more...
[SHOUTY MAN READING]

...then we'll replace it
with a younger model

for the same low, low price.

Buy now

and we'll include this unique
honesty test, free of charge.

Simply place the coin
under a rug,
and if it's not found,

that's bad cleaning.
Time to replace
Victorian Maid.

Or if it is found
and it's not
given back to you,

that's dishonest.
Time to replace
Victorian Maid.

New Victorian Maid can be
yours for
the incredible low, low price

of just £6 a year.
Now, that's a bargain!

Try new Victorian Maid today.

[SHOUTY MAN READING]

[WOMAN READING WARNING]

So, I think we've established

we Victorians
were pretty
vile to each other.

Well, we were pretty vile
to other creatures, too.

Oh, yes, we were.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Greetings, terror lovers.

I am Vincenzo Larfoff.

And this week's scary story
is from the Victorian times.

It's called The Freaks.

It was in the reign of Queen
Victoria, a most eerie era
of fearful years,

where a dark new trend
came to grip the world,

the freak show.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, that could not be less
like the music I had in mind.

-Try track seven.
-[CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING]

-Track eight.
-[OMINOUS ORGAN
CHORDS PLAYING]

The freak show was
a most vulgar place

where those
with unusual bodies
or unique gifts

were made to perform as freaks
for the amusement
of a gasping public.

But in amongst
the bearded ladies
and pinheaded men

lurked
a creature truly deserving
of the name "freak".

The Fiji mermaid!

The crazed creature
had a head and arms
almost human in appearance,

but from the waist down

its body was that of a fish.

But this
mermaid was not alive.

Just imagine the shock,
the fear, the revulsion

felt by those that witnessed
a true,
living, breathing freak.

-The pig-faced lady!
-[PIG SQUEALING]

You see, that...
That just isn't
very scary, is it?

Can we try slowing it down
or something?

[PIG SQUEALING SLOWLY]

That'll have to do.

As the eager
public entered her tent,
there was the lady.

Her eyes dark and hooded,
her face wide and grizzled,

her nose pushed forward
into a wet, wrinkled snout.

And from her cavernous mouth
came not a voice,

but growls and snorts
that shook
the tent around her.

What was this pig-faced lady?

-And the answer.
It was a shaved bear...
-[SQUEALING STOPS]

What?

The pig-faced lady
wasn't a lady at all,

It was a drunk bear
with its fur shaved off?

And the mermaid
was a dead monkey
sewn onto a fish

and covered in papier-mache?

Can someone on this production
please get a dictionary

and look up the word "scary"?

I turned down a film premiere
to do this, you know.

But where am I? I'm here,
reading some rubbish
about dead monkeys.

That's it,
I'm burning the book.
Don't try and stop me.

No, no, get off, get off,
I'm burning it.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hiya, fashion fans
and welcome to
Historical Fashion Fix.

This week I'll be making over
a smelly Celtic farmer,

so best take some precautions.

Let's meet Drostan.

You look perfectly clean.

[SNIFFING] You
smell good, too.

Well, Celts do use soap.

My apologies,
Drostan, let's start over.

-Tell us a bit about yourself.
-I hate Romans.

-Okay, and any hobbies?
-Hating Romans.

Well, you're in luck,
because this week,
I'll be making you over

as the ultimate
Celtic warrior,
a Roman-killing psycho.

Yes!

First things first, let's do
something about that
ridiculous moustache.

It isn't nearly
ridiculous enough.
[SNAPS FINGERS]

There, shorter hair
and a longer moustache,

that really says
"Celtic warrior".

The hair is
spiked and bleached
using crushed-up limestone.

It's nature's all-in-one
bleach and hair gel.

-Nice.
-You go, Drostan.

So, can I go and kill me
some Romans now?

Soon.
First, we have to get you
out of those clothes.

All right.

-So, what am I going to wear?
-Nothing.

-What?
-Well,
you do get to wear this.

There.

What, is that it?

Well, your neckband is carved
with signs to bring you
good luck in battle.

I'm going to need it,
aren't I, mate,

if I'm going to
fight the Romans
in my birthday suit.

I'm in the nude, look at me.
I'm naked, I'm in the nude.

All right. Going to have
some trouble with this one.

We've got some
woad leaves here,

and I've squished up the seeds
into a lovely blue dye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you
going to do with that?

There, every inch
the Celtic warrior.

-I look ridiculous.
-The flowers were my idea.

What? What flowers? Oh!

[GRUNTING]

What's he doing?

-[SNARLING]
-What are you doing?

I'm working my way up
into a Celtic
warrior battle frenzy.

I go absolutely bananas
and then kill
everything in my path.

Not on my show, sister.

That's it for this week.
Join us next time,

when I'll be
teaching a Saxon monk
how to jazz up his cassock

with a Viking's
axe in his head.
See you then.

-I'm really sorry about the...
-It's okay.

It's true.
Some Celtic warriors
fought naked, yeah.

They believed that if the gods
had decided today was
their day to die,

then all
the armour in the world
wasn't going to protect them.

And did you know,
one of the most
famous Celtic warriors

was actually a woman.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

# Gonna cause a stink
Won't be the first to blink

# I'm not who you think
Don't mess with me

# I'm Boudicca

# My husband Prasutagus died
He was a Celtic king

# I was his queen so due to me
was half of everything

# Roman law gave half to me
So half was what they got

# Until their
nasty soldiers came
and took the blessed lot

# Hey, mister, I say
you got the wrong
end of the stick

# His answer
turned this sister
into one angry chick

# No man Roman'll
push around this woman

# You won't get
far with Boudicca

# Bowmen, yeomen
Smash the Roman foe-man

# All say yah
# Yah

# Boudicca

# I built a massive army
Headed straight for the city

# Beat them all with ease
Unlike me it wasn't pretty

# Chopped them and hacked
But what made
their red blood curl

# It's bad enough being beaten
But being beaten by a girl?

# Whacked 'em, smacked 'em
Boy, how we attacked 'em

# Near and far, ha ha ha

# Flayed 'em, slayed 'em
Up and down parade 'em

# Boudicca, toughest by far

# Colchester, London,
St Albans Everybody talk
about dead Romans

# We marched on
up the Roman road
that's known as Watling Street

# They trapped
us in the forest,
then thrashed us to a defeat

# By now you've guessed I'm
not the kind of gal
who'll sit and cry

# Be sold a slave to Romans?
You know I'd rather die

# They tried to
take me prisoner
So I led the Roman boys on

# Instead of giving in to them
I swallowed special poison

# Martyr, smarter,
capture a non-starter

# This was our last hurrah

# Slaughtered, dismembered
Our tribe always remembered

# Boudicca, superstar

# Boudicca
# Superstar #

Don't diss this miss.

[NARRATOR READING]

Everyone knows that weddings
can be a bit boring,

but King Charles I
certainly made sure

that his bride would never
forget their wedding day.

[CHOIR SINGING HYMN]

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry,
I am the Duke de Chevreuse,

I'm going to marry
you today, enchante.

What? Where's King Charles I?

I'm supposed to
marry him, not you.

You could do worse.

-I'm a duke.
-He's a king.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I suppose he is.

Anyway, he said to
say he's very sorry
but he's a bit busy,

so would you mind if I sort of

stood in for him
for the whole wedding thing?

Stood in?

Yeah, well, you know,
it's a bit difficult for him.

There's this whole
tricky business with religion,

you're Catholic, he's not,
plus of course,
you're in France, he's not.

So, in the end,
I just thought
it might be easier

to pop down and sort of
get married for him.

Does he not want
to marry me, then?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He's got
this whole second wedding plan

when you get to
England next month.

Yeah,
a big church in Canterbury,
a nice Protestant ceremony,

-big silly cake.
-[GIGGLING]

-Okay, then.
-Magnifique.

Ready when you are.

Do you, Henrietta Maria
take a man who is not here

but somehow knows this man
to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And does, er, King Charles I

take this woman
to be his
lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah, apparently he does.

Then I now pronounce you
friend of the husband

and somebody else's wife.
You may kiss
the other fellow's bride.

How dare you!

I'm the wife of
King Charles I,
I think, sort of.

I'm so sorry,
I always cry at weddings.

[SOBBING]

It's true. Charles I didn't
want a Catholic wedding
in a foreign country,

so he got
the Duke de Chevreuse
to stand in for him.

In fact,
thanks to King Charles,

there were lots
of crazy goings on
in church in the Stuart era.

-Here endeth the lesson.
-ALL: Amen.

Now, before we
begin prayers today,

I have to inform you there's
to be a wee change to
the proceedings.

A wee change?
I don't like
the sound of that, no.

Please, it's a decree
from our King, Charles I,

which demands we now use these
new Church of
England prayer books.

So, if we could just
turn to page 109...

What?
We're Scottish, we don't need

-some prayer
book from England.
-MAN: Aye.

We're happy with our own
prayer books,
thank you very much.

I know, but the King wants all
church services in Britain

to be the same, so...

We're Puritans,
we like our services
to be plain and simple,

like our prayer books.

Not all elaborate and fancy,
like the English ones.

Aye,
who cares what the King says?

[CROWD AGREEING]

I have to read
from it, it's the law.

I'll get into
trouble if I don't.

You're not right, you!

-I'm not happy.
-Please.

Right,
I knew there'd be trouble.
Good job I came prepared.

Right. [COCKING GUNS]

Let's just be
absolutely clear,
shall we?

Hands up, who's happy to read

from the new Church of England
prayer book?

I thought so.

Our Father,
which art in heaven...

[CLEARS THROAT] Just...

...hallowed by thy name.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome back to HH TV Sport,

bringing you exclusive
live sporting
events from the past.

Today we're at
the Georgian games

and we can go ringside
with John and Steve

for our big fight live,
and what
a spectacle we're in for.

Good afternoon and there's a
real sense of excitement for
today's big fight.

There certainly is,
John, these players
look very evenly matched,

we could be in
for a real corker.

-Seconds out, round one.
-[BELL DINGS]

STEVE: And they're straight
into the first pinch.

JOHN:
Oh, it's a good strong pinch
to the upper arm there

and he's showing
no signs of pain whatsoever.

STEVE: Well,
that's what you've gotta do

if you want to win
a Georgian pinching match.

For those of you
who are
unfamiliar with the game,

could you remind us
of the rules, Steve?

I certainly can, John.
The two
competitors stand toe to toe

and simply take it in turns

-to pinch each other.
-Right.

Of course, they can't cry out,
if they do, it's game over.

-So if I was to do this...
-Ow!

...I'd have won the game.

-Yeah,
and if I were to do this...
-Ah!

...I would have won the game.

Ow! Seriously.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[SHOUTING]

STEVE: Oh,
it's all over, it's all over.

Let's look at that final pinch
once again in slow motion.

JOHN: Yes, it's a clinical
pinch to the ribs.

STEVE:
That looks like it hurt. Oof.

Absolutely.
So, let's see what's coming up

in these Georgian games.

At 4:00, we have
the greased
goose-grabbing final

and at 5:00, live and
exclusive, we have women
fighting for money.

And what about the football,
John?

-No, football's rubbish.
-Well, I like it.

It's a fad, Steve. It's a fad.

I'm sure long after people
have gone off football

they'll still be
into pinching matches
and greased goose-grabbing.

Back to the studio.

That's right.
Georgians used to
enjoy watching people

trying to grab a dead,
greased goose.

The winner was the one
who pulled its head off. Ugh!

And if you think
that's shocking,

then you
obviously haven't heard
about our Georgian army.

Hello, sergeant,
I'm your new recruit.

Come to serve your country,
have you, sir? That's very
noble of you, sir.

Tell me, have you signed
your army contract, sir?

Certainly have, there it is.

[YELLING] Right,
you horrible little man!

Why aren't you in uniform?
You're a disgrace to the army.

Here, put this jacket on.

-That's not very camouflaged,
is it?
-Of course it isn't.

We want your mates
to be able to see you easily,

and not shoot you
when you're on
a smoky battlefield.

Well, won't the enemy be able
to easily see me
on the battlefield?

Of course they will.

They'll be standing 50 yards
away in a straight
line shooting at you.

That's how
Georgian armies fight.

Left, right, left, right!

Get your knees up,
you horrible little man!

The army
thrives on discipline.

You'll be practising drill
three hours a day, every day,

and you will like it.
Recruits, halt.

-[PANTING]
-You hungry, son?

-Good,
it's time for your rations.
-Oh, good!

Ugh! It's covered in maggots!

Oh, you'll get used to that.

I call that
extra meat rations.

That's good old honest
Georgian army food, that is.

Right,
time for rifle practice.

I will now present
you with your weapon,

it's called a Brown Bess.
Lovely, isn't she?

-Cor! May I?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just hold it up
to your shoulder
and pull the trigger.

Oh, sorry about that.
You're left-handed,
aren't you?

You can only
fire the Brown Bess
with your right hand,

otherwise the flash
goes off in your face.

I don't want to be
in the army any more.

Oh,
it's too late for that, son.

You're mine for
the next 10 years.

Now,
on the double, quick march.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...

Oh, forgotten his rations.
There's more for me.

Oh,
look, there's a beetle there.

Mmm. I like the crunchy shell.
Oh, that's lovely, that is.
Mmm!

[NARRATOR READING]

Ancient Egyptian Queen,
Cleopatra,

went to a lot of trouble
to look her best.

Here's how she did it.

Hi, girls.
Ever look in
the mirror and see this?

When you were
hoping to see this?
Yeah, me too.

That's why I follow
Cleopatra's beauty regime.

And now you can, too.
Just listen and learn.

MAN: Tip number one.

If you want your skin to be
nice and smooth like mine,

why not bathe in asses' milk?

Ugh!
How long has that been there?
It really stinks.

MAN: Tip number two.

Enhance those eyes
by painting them
with black lead.

Hang on, isn't this
like really poisonous?

What are you
trying to do to me?

Looking better already? You
bet I am. And this eye
makeup repels flies.

Well, I'm not surprised,
it is poisonous. [GIGGLING]

MAN: Tip number three.

Bring a dash of colour to your
cheeks with this red
ochre made from clay.

Clay? What, like what
they make pots out of?

Actually,
that does kind of work.
Amazing, isn't it?

MAN: Tip number four.

And now for the final touch.

That beauty accessory that no
female pharaoh is
complete without.

A beard.

[MAN READING]

It's not funny,
it just tickles.

It's all true, 100% accu-rat.

Pharaohs were supposed to be
men, so Cleopatra had to
wear a false beard

whenever she
did a sacred task.

You know,
like praying for the sun
to come up every morning.

Personally, I like girls
with a bit of
facial hair, yeah.

But then I would, wouldn't I?
I am a rat.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is...

all three were
used in medicines
by ancient Egyptian doctors.

Ooh, it is really sore.

Well, try not to touch it,
the doctor will
be around soon.

Oh, good. What are the doctors
like round here?

Yeah, they're very
professional and...

Okay, for some reason
we don't understand,

they all seem to be from
different historical periods,

and their methods
are quite frankly mad.

Good morning, Mrs Carter,
I'm Doctor Jenkins.

Oh, you're in luck.
He's one of our
modern doctors.

Oh, thank goodness!

-So, what seems to be the...
-So sorry I'm late.

My name's Dr Isis
and I'm from ancient Egypt.

-I'll take it
from here, thank you.
-Of course.

No, don't go.
You know what they're like.

He'll do a load of
weird stuff to her

and she'll probably end up
dying or something.

Nonsense, I've had all the
latest ancient Egyptian
medical training.

Now, that is a nasty gash
above the right eye.

I'd be tempted to rub
some honey into that.

-You see?
-Yes, but honey is actually

a rather good antiseptic,
ideal for treating
a wound such as that.

Oh. Well, what about the pain?

Well, I've got some dried
leaves from a myrtle
bush here in my bag.

I'd probably feed the patient
a few of those.

He wants her to eat leaves.

Yes, but myrtle leaves
are very rich in
salicylic acid.

It's a basic form
of things like aspirin.

So,
ideal for treating mild pain.

Actually,
I feel quite sick now.

Oh, I've got just
the thing for that.

-A lovely bit of limestone.
Mmm!
-He wants her to eat a rock.

Yes, but limestone
is calcium carbonate.

Powdered up, it's the same as
we use to treat stomach
complaints today.

In fact, I'd say that Dr Isis
actually has some
very good treatments.

What?

Though,
looks like there could be
a little infection there.

What do you think, Doctor?

Yes,
that could lead to blindness,

which I would treat
by mashing up a pig's eye

with a little bit of honey
and a little
bit of red powder,

and then pouring the mixture
into the patient's ear.

Yeah, he's mad, get him.

No! How dare you? I'm not mad!

Ahhh! Mummy!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts
We gave you all
the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or
glitz We showed you
all the juicy bits

# Gory,
ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't
teach you at school

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories #