Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

I've got something amazing to show you. Ta-da! It's a banana.

No one had ever seen a banana in Britain before Stuart times.

And that's not the only thing that was new.

Oh, lovely! I really fancy a cuppa.

-Oh, me too. -A nice cup of hot water.

There's nothing quite like a steaming hot pot of hot water in the afternoon.

-Um, I was uh, er... -Yes?

I was just wondering, would anyone like some dead leaves in their hot water?

What? Dead leaves in water? Like a puddle in autumn?

They're very special leaves, they've come all the way from China.

Oh, whoopee-doo, so these leaves have been in a sack

for months and months while they've gone halfway round the world in a boat.

Manky, musty old leaves, and you want to put them in our hot water?

No, well, I think you'll find that they make the hot water

taste so much nicer. Please, try some.

Oh, really, Charles, honestly, this is the most ludicrous thing

I've ever heard of... Ooh, that is nice.

You see? You see?

They really do make the hot water taste better.

Oh, I've never heard such nonsense!

Mmm! Oh, no, that is nice.

-What do you call this drink? -Ah, well, it's called tea.

-Tea? -Tea.

-Tea. -Tea.

Tea.

His Majesty King Charles is very fond of it, apparently.

Well, you can see why, it's delicious.

You know what we should do? We should take these leaves of yours,

put them in a small paper envelope, attach a piece of string to it

and call it...a tea bag.

-John, is everything all right?

-Not really, no, I do apologise.

Well, do help yourself to cake.

Yes, let's distract ourselves with cake.

Obviously, no one invented tea bags until much, much later,

but there really was no tea in Britain until 1656.

So before then, it must have been known as Briain.

Do you get it, eh? No T in Britain? Briain? Briain?

[LAUGHING]

Suit yourself.

So, the Stuarts thought drinking tea was a bit strange,

but that doing these things was perfectly normal.

[WOMAN SIGHING]

Am I going to have to wait much longer?

Oh, I'm really sorry about this. We're just very short-staffed today

and I'm waiting for the replacement doctor to come in from...

Oh, dear, the Stuart era.

You burn the sole of an old shoe and then give it to the patient

and then encourage him to inhale the smoke.

'Tis the perfect Stuart cure for swallowing a snake.

There we are, now run along. Ah, how may I be of service?

This lady's hurt her arm due to a fall.

Well, it just so happens that I have in my possession

a Stuart cure of note for just such an affliction.

Now, I think a little bloodletting

using a horse-leech should do the trick.

Ow! You're making it worse. Look, it's bleeding!

There. Ah, fear thee not,

we shall stop the flow of blood using this here feather quill.

Do we put the feather onto the wound?

Don't be ridiculous, young woman.

I think it's perfectly clear that I shall use the quill

to write "Veronica" on her left thumb and that should stem the flow of blood.

[GROANS] I feel faint. I need some water.

[GULPING]

[CHOKING] What was that?

Ah, accidentally swallowed a horse-leech.

Well, swallow this elixir,

it will remedy the affliction in just a few moments.

-[COUGHING] What is it? -Vinegar mixed with fleas.

-Oh, I'm going to be sick. -Nurse, open the window...

Ah, he's talking sense at last.

...while I just spread some birdseed around the patient's feet.

Birdseed?

It is the catch-all Stuart cure to treat any truly troublesome ailment.

Hmm, we just need some pigeons to peck at the patient's feet.

We used the same treatment for Prince Henry.

And did Prince Henry get better?

No, he died. Still, second time lucky, hey?

[CHUCKLING] Now, let's get those pigeons in here.

Come on, let's encourage them.

Coo! Coo! They'll be here soon. [CLEARING THROAT]

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome back to HH TV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Today, a big fight special.

In Viking times, quarrels between families, known as feuds,

could get very violent and go on for years.

For more details, let's go over to our commentators field-side.

And you join us here on day 523 of this

nail-biting, uh, Viking family feud.

Let's look back at how it all started.

-"You stupid moose-face." -What?

That's how it started,

Eric Olafson calls Magnus Bloodaxe a "stupid moose-face".

And here we are, a year and a half later,

let's see, 57 dead. Uh, obviously both sides have been

sticking to the Viking family feud rules.

That's right, John, rule one, there are no rules.

[LAUGHS] And... Oh, it looks like it's all happening,

the Olafsons have set fire to a... a Bloodaxe's home.

It looks like Uncle... [COUGHING] It looks Uncle Ragnar's place.

I think Ragnar's still inside there. That's nasty.

Yeah, absolutely. And the Bloodaxes are warming up a substitute.

-It's a Berserker, Steve. -[MAN GRUNTING]

-Oh, that's... -It's a Berserker.

Now, Berserkers are very, very special Viking warriors.

Now, Steve, can you tell us a little bit about this, uh,

special movement we're seeing here?

Thanks, John. Yeah, well, what he's doing now is,

he's building himself up into what's known as a Berserker battle frenzy,

where he'll become like a wolf or a bear.

-I'd say he was doing the wolf. -Well, I'd say it was a bear.

[HOWLING]

[BOTH] It's a wolf. It's definitely a wolf.

And with all that howling and frothing at the mouth,

he'll be preparing himself to go really wild in the fight.

Yeah, and he's off. That's a good start.

-Oh! Oh. -Oh, that's extraordinary.

JOHN: Oh, it looks like... oh, a local lord has stepped in

and after more than a year of fighting, has ended the feud.

It's interesting, what the local lord is doing here is

he's trying to work out which family has suffered the most.

Yes, he's working out how much the other family have to pay,

so that the feud can end and both families can walk away

-with equal honour. -Hmm.

And the blood money's changing hands and it's... it's all over, Steve.

It's over, it's over. It's a great shame, actually,

the young Berserker winding himself up there for really nothing at all,

there'll be no more killing here today.

[BERSERKER WHOOPING]

Spoke too soon, Steve, leg it!

[BERSERKER YELLING]

Yes, we Vikings love to fight.

Dying in battle was an honour, because it meant you get to go

to Valhalla, Viking Heaven, and if you were a chief,

you got a really savage send-off, too, check it out.

VIKING: You join us on this, the saddest of days,

our great leader, Ragnar the Brave is dead.

And it's time for his traditional Viking funeral.

As he's laid to rest on his longboat,

he will be sorely missed by his two sons, Olaf the Fierce...

[ROARS] I'm the new leader now!

VIKING: And Sigrid the Bitter.

I wanted to be the new leader, but it's fine, it's fine. It's fine.

VIKING: And now everything that Ragnar needs for his journey into the afterlife

is thrown into the longboat.

His mighty axe, his steely sword, his trusty shield, plenty of food.

[SOBBING] Walrus pie.

VIKING: And his favourite slave girl.

I was the chief's favourite slave girl? I was his favourite?

Well, this is quite an honour.

VIKING: And now the longboat will be set on fire.

Oh, great, I knew there'd be a catch.

VIKING: And the ceremony would not be complete without a moving Viking poem.

Ragnar the Brave has lost his head,

we Vikings aren't sad, we party instead!

[ALL ROARING]

VIKING: And so the solemn Viking funeral ends in the traditional Viking way.

Right, who wants a fight?

It's what Ragnar would have wanted!

[ALL YELLING]

VIKING: Such moving scenes. Quite brings a tear to the eye.

[ALL GRUNTING]

I love a good funeral!

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello, people of Britain,

I'm here to tell you how to stay nice and safe during an air raid,

with the new Anderson bomb shelter.

It comes with easy-to-follow assembly instructions.

Simply dig a hole in your garden and with the magic of wood,

corrugated iron and a bit of elbow grease,

hey presto, one Anderson bomb raid shelter.

There's plenty of room for everyone.

-Budge up. -Give over.

You could be in here for up to six hours during a bombing raid,

so remember to bring a good book.

War and Peace,good choice.

Oh, would you stop it?

The Anderson bomb shelter comes with its own en-suite toilet.

Oh, yuck! [GAGGING] Where's my gas mask?

It could save your life, so don't delay, build your Anderson bomb shelter today.

And introducing the new Morrison shelter.

If you've not got a garden, then this little beauty could be for you.

It makes a lovely addition to any London home.

You can even play table tennis on it.

My point, I think.

Be safe from those bombs with the new Morrison shelter.

[BOMB EXPLODING]

Oh, dear! Brother, room for a small one? Come along.

Every home needed its own air raid shelter during the Blitz,

but German bombs weren't the only thing that made life dangerous.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny 'cause they're true, whoo!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee-hee #

And they had slits up the side, what's the point in...

Your legs would get cold. Yes, uh, next please.

And you are?

A businessman from London during the Blitz.

Oh, no, a Cockney. Here we go again.

Um, let me guess, killed by a bomb, was you, guv?

No, it's a bit more embarrassing than that, actually.

Ooh, goody gumdrops, do go on.

Well, one night I was on the train home from work during the blackout.

[MIMICS ACCENT] The black-aht?

Well, to stop the German bombers from finding London,

every night they'd have a blackout, no lights allowed.

Oh, blackout! Oh, I see, or rather I don't.

[LAUGHING] Keep up guys, keep up. Do go on.

So there I was on me train home

and, uh, suddenly the train came to a halt

and I thought, well, this is my station.

So I'm tootling off the train and suddenly, whoa...

[MIMICS SQUISHING]

...fell 30 feet to my death.

Very good, but...

Well, it turns out the train was just waiting on a railway bridge.

Oh! [LAUGHING] And you thought it was the platform and you...

That is priceless, you had a one-way ticket, straight down.

Good, I like it, I like... Hmm? Yes, I agree.

Oh, shut up, Louis. Ooh!

Who would have thought that? Well done, you've got two yeses,

-you're into the afterlife. -Oh, thank you kindly.

-Enjoy the trip. -Oh, cheers, yeah.

-Referring to the trip that... -Oh, the... Yeah, yeah.

[MIMICS TRAIN TOOTING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Enjoy. I liked him, good smile. Kids'll love him.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo #

[NARRATOR READING]

It was so dangerous in the cities that lots of schoolchildren

had to be sent somewhere safer.

NARRATOR: He had been evacuated from the city

to a foster home in the country.

This is your new home now, Charlie, until the Germans stop bombing London.

Don't worry, you'll be safe here.

Can I go play, Mrs Jones?

Of course, Charlie. Mind you don't come to any harm.

NARRATOR: But here, he was to face something even more terrifying

than German bombs. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before in the city.

[MOOING]

[SCREAMING]

[NARRATOR READING]

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING] It had horns to butt with and it made a terrifying noise.

[MOOING CONTINUES]

Ah! It had six sides and it had a tail, on which hangs a brush.

Don't be silly, Charlie, it's just a cow.

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: Everything was new, everything was scary.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[ROOSTER CROWING]

[PIG GRUNTING]

[NARRATOR READING]

There's nothing to be scared of, Charlie. They're just farm animals.

Now, why don't you go and have a nice relaxing bath.

A bath? Are you trying to drown me?

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: The Farm.

Just when you thought it was safer in the country.

It is.

It's true, some children from the city had never seen animals before

and they weren't used to regular baths, either.

When one pair of evacuees saw a bath,

they really thought they were going to be drowned.

[LAUGHS] Me, I always have a regular bath, one every other year.

[NARRATOR READING]

We didn't write things down in Incan Peru.

Messages were sent around the empire

using a relay team of runners called the Chasquis.

It was a real test of fitness and memory.

You asked for me, Chief.

Are you from the Chasqui Messenger Services?

Yes, Chief.

I want you to relay the following message

to the High Chief at Nazca, 50 miles to the west.

Yes, Chief, what's the message?

Message is, invaders are nearing the coast,

defences must be reinforced,

send 50 men with spears under cover of night and please hurry.

Now, go.

Chasqui Messenger Service.

Message is invaders are nearing the coast,

the fences must be reinforced,

send 50 spears under cover of night, please hurry.

Sweet.

[PANTING] Invaders are hearing the most,

um, the fence is dusty, feel the force,

send 50 spears under the cover of rice, please hurry.

The invaders are hearing a ghost, this fence is rusty,

peel the horse,

send 50 spears under cover of rice and peas.

What news?

The invaders in earrings are ghosts,

this fence was rusted by a peeing horse,

send Britney Spears covered in pea and rice curry.

Well, you heard the man.

Thankfully, the Chasqui messengers didn't just rely on their memories,

they also used an elaborate system of knotted string,

which was so complicated Incas had to spend an entire year at school

just learning to tie knots. [CHUCKLES] And you thought double maths was bad.

No wonder some of their stories sound a bit mixed up.

Hello and welcome to the News at When.

When? The 1000s,

and in South America, the Incas have emerged

and set about building their very own empire.

They have an incredible story of how it all happened,

some of it is true, a lot of it probably isn't.

But here anyway is Bob Hale with the Incan Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1070 or thereabouts,

that there is Peru and the Incan people

are just about to magically appear from a cave.

I know it sounds a bit weird and you don't have to believe the story.

The important thing is the Incans believed it,

so one generation would tell it to the next,

who would tell it to the next, who would tell it to the next,

just like I'm telling it to you right now,

but without the rather fetching tie.

So, first out of the cave, then, we have this chap, Manco,

followed by his brothers and sisters and all the rest of the Incan people.

And Manco appoints himself leader. And to ensure he stays that way,

promptly kills all his brothers. Well, better safe than sorry.

And then he marries his sister, yuck, and they have some children, yuck,

and they settle in a place called Cuzco. Yuck!

At least it's yuck for the people who already live there

because the Incans just kicked them out. Yep, see you!

So Manco becomes the first Lord of Cuzco.

The Incans have a place to call home and that is the end of that.

But not for long! When mighty Manco pops his socks,

there's a big argument about which of his sons will replace him.

Luckily, Mrs Manco sorts it out.

She wants it to be her favourite son, Sinchi.

So she dresses him up in this pure gold tunic,

one that's almost as fetching as my tie,

and pretends that he's the sun god, a plan which quite unbelievably works,

and since no one's going to argue with a sun god,

Sinchi becomes the second Lord of Cuzco.

But not for long! No, after inventing the official royal haircut,

yes, I'm serious, Sinchi is replaced by Lord Lloque,

who's so ugly his own wife can't even bear to look at him.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Honestly, he looks like a plate of mince.

Unlucky, Lloque. Then comes this big bully,

a chap called Mayta, and I mean he's big.

By the age of one, he was apparently the size of an 8-year-old child.

-Just imagine the nappies. -[FARTING]

Ugh! Then along comes his son, Capac, known as the Unforgettable Prince,

and is then promptly forgotten about. Seriously, we know nothing about him,

except he was followed by his son Roca.

[SCATTING]

Who was then followed by his son Yahua,

who was then murdered by his son Viracocha,

who, not satisfied with being Lord of Cuzco, insists on being called God.

Big-headed much?

And if you thought that was arrogant you should see what he gets up to.

Not content with ruling Cuzco,

he starts taking over all the neighbouring lands

and pretty soon this bullying becomes the family business.

Yes, along comes his son Pachacuti and his grandson, Tupa,

who take over enough land to create the one and only...

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Incan Empire! And that is the end of that.

Or so we thought! Then in 1493, Huayna becomes the Incan Emperor.

While he's off conquering Ecuador, up there,

trouble turns up back down in Cuzco, trouble that looks like this.

Aliens!

No, no, not really, it's germs. Yes, a plague from Bolivia, down there,

sweeps up, killing thousands and thousands of Incans.

And what does Huayna do? He rushes home, catches the plague and dies.

What an idiot. And while the Incans are busy dying of plague,

even more trouble turns up.

Aliens! No, not really, it's the Spanish Conquistadors

who want all of the valuable Incan gold. And what do they bring with them?

Aliens! No, no, it's just even more germs, diseases from Europe this time.

Smallpox, in fact, which should have been called bigpox,

because they killed so many Incans.

So after going from one tiny cave to an entire empire,

the Incan people are all but wiped out by a combination of Spanish greediness,

Incan weediness, wheezes, sneezes and diseases, and not by knobbly kneeses,

short-term leases, ceaseless sea breezes,

winter freezes, the Japaneses or this fine selection of Greek cheeses,

including this very crumbly feta to which I am horribly allergic.

[CHOKING]

Oh, no, I'm fine, actually. Oh, no, I'm not!

[NARRATOR READING]

So, that's your homework. Learn a hundred English words.

-Do we have to, Miss? -Yes, you do.

The English run all the schools in Wales.

-So which language do we speak? -ALL: English, Miss.

And what happens if I hear you speaking Welsh?

We have to wear the Welsh Not, Miss.

That's right. You have to put on the Welsh Not, like Jenkins here.

Jenkins, you used a Welsh word, didn't you?

Yes, Miss.

-Which word did you say? -Miss, I know. It was Cymru.

-[CHILDREN GASP] -Ha ha! You said it.

You said a Welsh word. You have to put the Welsh Not on.

[CHILDREN SNIGGERING]

What are you sniggering at, girl?

Sorry, Miss, I just can't believe he said Cymru.

[GASPS]

-Oh, dear, what are we going to do now? -Wear the Welsh Not, Miss?

Correct. And we all know what happens to the last person

to be wearing the Welsh Not at the end of the school day, don't we?

Yes, Miss.

They get a beating.

-Miss? -TEACHER: Yes.

What does Cymrumean?

It's Welsh for "Wales", but the bell's about to go,

-so bend over for your beating. -Yes, Miss.

Ah, somebody's been speaking Welsh, have they?

-Yes, Headmaster. -Some people never learn.

[LAUGHING] The silly clot asked me what Cymrumeans.

[ALL GASPING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Let this be a lesson to you.

Ow! Thank you, sir.

Ow! Sorry, sir.

Schools were made free in 1891. Until then, it cost a penny a day

and not all parents thought it was value for money.

Good day.

Mother, Father, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, here she is, our beloved 16th daughter.

-What's your name again? -Chastity.

Chastity! I told you.

Right, Chastity, we'd like to talk to you on your school attendance.

Yeah?

-It seems you've been going. -Every day.

After everything we've done for you,

could you not at least have bunked off school once?

Costs us a penny every day, five days a week,

40 weeks a year. Have you any idea how much money that is, girl?

Five times 40... 200 pence.

-I learnt how to do maths at school. -A waste of time.

You should be down at that factory bringing some money in.

If you're so good at maths,

you tell me what you get when you divide a loaf of bread

between 18 people? Nothing.

-It's an 18th, actually. -Oh, Father, where did we go wrong?

But I thought you'd be pleased. Just look at my school report,

I'm doing really well.

-Aren't you going to read it? -We can't read.

Well, I can. I learnt how to at school and it says I'm top of the class.

You should be top of a chimney with a wire brush in your hand.

That's what I was doing at your age, it didn't do me any...[COUGHING].

Or you should be down at the ribbon factory like me.

But I like school.

What's there to like about school, eh? What do you like?

Is it the learning or the ruthless beating?

'Cause if it is the beatings you like, darling, your dad'll beat you.

I certainly will and I won't charge you a penny a day for it, either.

But they don't beat me at school, I'm a good pupil.

The teachers say that if I pass my exams,

I could even become a teacher myself.

What do you want to be a teacher for, eh?

You want to beat up innocent kids all day earning £60 a year?

Uh, hang on...

That's more than I earn in a decade. Oh, Chastity, darling.

We're so proud of you, darling.

She's my favourite, I've always said it.

-I know. -So when do you start?

That's right, in Victorian times, you could become a teacher aged just 14.

How silly was that?

I mean, what classes could a teenage boy teach,

double spot-picking followed by how to sleep in late

and wear your jeans too low? [LAUGHING]

[NARRATOR READING]

Hi, I'm a lonesome cowboy.

[FARTING]

[STRAINING] And that's why when I go out driving cattle,

there's three things I always take with me.

My six-gun, my hat and the must-have cowboy accessory,

the new Multi-Purpose Bandana!

Yes, new Multi-Purpose Bandana is a dust mask when you're driving cattle,

it's sun protection for the back of the neck,

it's an oven glove when you're holding a hot pot of beans.

It's also useful when you've eaten the beans.

[FARTING]

Phew-ee! And that's not all!

New Multi-Purpose Bandana

also makes a handy tourniquet if you get bitten by a rattlesnake,

or a great sling if you break a limb.

It even doubles up as earmuffs in cold weather.

And that's not all.

New Multi-Purpose Bandana is also

a useful mask if you wanna steal something.

Good day to you, sir. Now hand over all your bandanas.

New Multi-Purpose Bandana, available now in general stores.

NARRATOR: Warning, trying to steal a bandana

can result in a nasty headache.

I told you so.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is they are all genuine cowboy towns. Who'd a thought it?

Actually that's a real cowboy town name, too.

Who'd A Thought It, Alabama.

Howdy. You know what you need to be a genuine cowboy?

Cows. You ain't herding cattle, you ain't no cowboy.

# Well, I'm a real-life cowboy Just a quiet, humble fella

# That's what we're like Apart from Mike

# Yeah, I'm more of a yeller

# Sing songs to pass the evenings

# And because it soothes the herd so they won't stampede

# Unless Mike sings lead

# And shouts every single word

-BOTH: Mike! -Sorry!

# 'Cause we're cowboys Real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen on your TV

# We've never held up banks at all

# We're poorly paid # And kind of small

# If you still wanna be a cowboy

# Stick with me!

# On your horse for 18 hours

# And that saddle sore's a curse

# Then feed your horse # And yourself of course

# Though beans just make it worse

[FARTING]

# Then you're back driving cattle

# That's what being a cowboy means

# Moving those beasts from west to east

[FARTING] # Sorry, that's the beans

# Cause we're cowboys, real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you've seen in the movies

# We're not big hunks like that John Wayne

# 'Cause our horses would complain

# If you still wanna be a cowboy

# Join us please!

# You should be aware we have some customs that are strange

# Like saying "Howdy" and not "Hello" when you're out here on the range

# Never touch a cowboy's hat

# Never ride his horse

# So what if I took your old mare?

# Well, I'd shoot you, of course # Fair enough!

# Cowboys, real-life cowboys

# Not like the ones you see on silver screens

# We didn't go out starting fights

# 'Cause unions fought for our rights

# Now Mike will do a solo thanks to beans

[FARTING MELODY]

-How was that? -BOTH: It stunk!

# And now my friends I fear that the end is drawing near

# 'Cause we only ruled the range for 20 years #

ALL: Yee-ha!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #