Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

Viking warriors, tomorrow,

as the sun rises, we set sail for England!

[ALL SHOUTING]

We must be bold, we must be terrifying.

[GROWLING]

We have our axes.

We have our daggers.

We have our swords.

But now we have a new weapon at our disposal.

Make-up.

[SNICKERS]

Huh?

Do this, my brothers,

and you shall strike fear into our enemies' hearts.

ALL: Yes!

Let's go and kill some monks!

[ALL YELLING]

Olaf, good work.

You look truly bloodcurdling.

Sven, my old friend, excellent.

You will chill the enemy to their bones.

Bjorn, that's what I call really scary.

Eric.

It's the nose, isn't it? A bit too much?

No, it's really terrifying.

Let's get us some monastery!

[ALL GROWLING]

[LAUGHS]

It's true, though. Those rough, tough Viking warriors

liked to wear eye make-up, neatly trim their beards,

and have a good wash every Saturday night.

And when they invaded Britain,

they loved to pick on nice, easy targets,

like poor, defenceless monks.

Do you know, Vikings were basically just great big girls. [LAUGHS]

But don't tell them I said that.

[MEN YELLING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, stop. Whoa!

What's going on?

We were just minding our own business

and they came out of the blue with axes and swords.

[ALL ARGUING]

Di-di-di... One at a time, please.

You, is what he said true?

I asked you to stop for a second while we sort this out, please.

What? I was just...

Thank you.

Now, what are you doing here? This is Lindisfarne,

we're a monastery, we're peaceful people.

Well, um, I've never really thought about it before,

why did we sail here from Scandinavia exactly?

Maybe it's because there's not enough food.

There is a shortage of herring where we're from.

I thought it was 'cause we needed more land,

'cause my dad's left all of his land to my older brother, which isn't fair.

It is a bit crowded.

Well, we do need more space to live.

Plus, we've got a new Viking King now and he is such a bully.

As are our wives.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Right. Well, it seems to me like you don't know why you're here,

so why don't you just go home and we'll say no more about it, okay?

No, I've just remembered what it is.

It's because killing is really fun and taking stuff from monks is very easy.

-That's it. -Yeah, yeah, it was, it's mainly that.

That was it.

Right. Well, as long as we're clear on that, carry on.

[ALL YELLING]

[NARRATOR READING]

You're watching HH TV Sports,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Today, it's football, but not as you know it.

It's time to go over live to the 1500s to join our commentator pitside.

Hello, and welcome to Tudor England,

where the big sport of the common man is an early form of football.

I'm here with Alan, captain of the Roxbridge village team,

who's here to tell me a little bit more about the sport.

So, Alan, I understand it's a very important match here today.

Yes, Gary, it's nice to see the whole village has turned out.

Yeah, great to see so much support for the team.

Support? No, they're not support.

No, everyone plays for the team, the whole village is playing.

It's our village versus the neighbouring village.

I see. And what's the score?

Oh, it's still nil-nil, but we did come close to a goal.

Thrilling. How close, exactly?

-About two and a half miles. -Two and a half miles?

Yeah, we play between two villages and the winning team

is the team that gets the ball through the cemetery gates

-to the opposing village. -[EXCLAIMING]

-And this is your ball? -Yeah, it's made of pig's bladder.

It looks like a pig's... Ow!

[GROANS]

Oh, now... I... That... Wait!

That-that... That is inexcusable. Where is the referee?

There's no referee, there's no rules.

Oh, that does explain the black eye, the broken finger,

and what appears to be a bitten ear.

Yeah, well, it's just a gentle game today, Gary.

Last game I dislocated my arm and broke my jaw.

Nasty.

Would it be possible to have a word with the captain of the opposition team?

-Yeah, go ahead. -Thank you.

So, how's the game going from your point of view?

Hi, Gary. Yeah, pretty good.

I think it's going to be a long one, though, could go on for hours.

I think some of the lads will end up flat on their backs by the end.

Exhausted?

No, dead.

You know, this is how brutal the game can be, you know.

Do you want to be on our side, 'cause...

I'll certainly give it a go.

-Um... -[KICK, GROANING]

Yep, still got it. Back to the studio.

Henry VIII needed lots of young, fit men for the English army,

and so many people were getting injured playing Tudor football

that in 1540, Henry made it illegal.

There really were some unusual laws in Tudor times.

-Give me your purse! -Oh!

-Come on, give me your purse. -Take it, take it.

Lovely, hold on, hold on. Right, right, lovely.

There's your change and I'll just write you a receipt.

-Excuse me? -Well, I only wanted 11 pence

so I gave you the rest and I think I'll just write you

a little piece of paper here.

That just saves any confusion, should it come to court.

Um, I'm still a little confused.

Well, you see, if you steal 11 pence or less,

they chuck you in prison, but if you steal 12 pence or more,

then they sentence you to death.

Oh, I see.

So I'll just write you this receipt.

Not gonna sign it, for obvious reasons.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, there you go, have a nice day.

Um, well, thank you, you know, I have to say

that's quite the most pleasant mugging I've ever had.

Oh, well, we take pride in our work, yeah.

In fact, um, here's a penny for your trouble.

Ah, well, thank you very much, that's very kind of you.

Hang on, this makes 12 pence, if I'm caught...

It looks like somebody's for the chop.

Oh, no, this is a tip.

-Oh, it's a tip, is it? -Yes.

Oh, that's right, so you weren't mugging her?

-No, I was. -I'm going to chop your head off.

Oh, have mercy, sir.

[NARRATOR READING]

Us ancient Egyptians used a clever writing system called hieroglyphics.

But it was not an easy system to learn, check this out.

# Settle down, class, now you've passed your grade one pyramid selling

# Yeah, the time has come for me to drum some facts into you about spelling

# Oh, it seems to me your ABC skills are less than terrific

# So buck up, boys, as we master the joys of the lovely hieroglyphic, whoo!

# Everyone needs their ABC

# It's as simple as vulture, foot, basket

# You know how to sing do, re, mi

# Easy to spell It's hand, eye-thingy, owl

# ABC # Vulture, foot, basket

# Do, re, mi # Hand, eye-thingy, owl

# You'll pass with ease And find it's a breeze

# The rules are scientific

# Don't have to be smart All you do is start

# With simple phonetic glyphics

# Next you get to learn as a set

# More things called logographic

# Finally third, the form of a word, determinatives

# Horrific!

# Everyone needs their flamingo, house, sun

# It's simple but sun can mean duck, everyone

# You all know how to write your name

# Except for me, Tutan Nefertiti Khamun

# Flamingo, house, sun # Means duck to some

# Tutan Nefertiti Khamun # Let's leave that one

# If you find it hard, don't be afraid to go and ask your mummy for aid

# Now it's time for a spelling bee

# That's not how you spell bee, see me

# Foot, reed, reed, easy

# Cat, pig, dog Rat, duck, frog

# Make your spelling magnific

# You can go up and down Left and right and around

# The punctuation in hieroglyphic

# ABCDEFG, just 700 characters or so

# Now that's done let's have some fun with numbers, here we go

# Everyone needs their 123

# It's as simple as eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# You can all count to 99

# Easy to write, it's hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop

# Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# 123 # Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# 99

# Hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye

# Basket? #

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is B.

They cut off and counted the right hands.

[NARRATOR READING]

One of the worst battles in the Second World War

was the one the Russians and the Germans had over the city of Stalingrad, here.

It lasted for seven months

and in the cruel Russian winter, the Germans soon ran out of supplies

and had to improvise in the most gruesome of ways.

Ah!

Greetings, Herrsoldier.

Greetings, HerrStodman.

I'm here about a few supplies,

some new boots, a jacket and some food.

Excellent. Well, I shall take the whole lot.

No, that is what I want from you.

What? [LAUGHS]

You are joking, right?

We have been fighting here in Russia for six months now,

we have run out of all our supplies.

But I need new things, my boots,

they have so many holes in them, I don't feel like I'm wearing any.

Well, you are not wearing any.

Oh, well, that would explain it.

Um, is there nothing that you can give me?

Well, I think you are in luck.

I got these boots in this morning, good quality, too,

-they're Russian. -How do you know they are Russian?

[GRUNTS]

There was a Russian in them.

I cannot wear those!

Of course you can, you just put them in the oven for 10 minutes

and the legs will pop right out.

No, I mean, I'm not going to wear a dead man's boots.

Is there nothing else you have? Can you do me a jacket?

I am so cold I have goose pimples on my goose pimples.

Ah, I have just the thing.

We managed to get this in from Berlin.

Oh, perfect.

Oh, that is better. Oh, and it is not off a dead man, right?

No, it is from a dead woman.

[EXCLAIMING] Brrr!

What about food, do you have any food?

Ah, well, only this rather suspiciously named meat paste.

I got it in from Germany.

What's it like?

Well, the impression I got from Lieutenant Gottlieb was

-it's not very good for you. -Who's Lieutenant Gottlieb?

This fellow over here.

[VING]

That is exactly what Gottlieb did, except from both ends.

So, all that you have is inedible food, a dead man's boots,

a dead woman's coat?

Is there nothing you have that is any use to me?

Well, as our 10,000th customer,

you have just won an all-expenses-paid fortnight

on the beaches of Brazil.

Wow, really?

No. Raus!

[SOBBING] Can I not work here with you?

No, I'm afraid it is just me and Gottlieb.

[SOBBING]

Auf wiedersehen.

Look at it.

For the Germans, the Battle of Stalingrad

was a tactical disaster.

Mind you, some of the Russian tactics during World War Two

didn't go all that well, either.

[NARRATOR READING]

The Second World War's Russian anti-tank device.

The penniless Russians needed a cheap way

to destroy the unbeatable German tanks.

-So they invented dog bombs. -[DOG BARKING]

Yes, dogs were trained to run underneath tanks

with bombs strapped to their backs.

The Russians sent their brilliant new doggy weapon into battle,

but there was one small problem.

The dogs had been trained to run under Russian tanks.

[DOG BARKING]

RUSSIAN MAN: Nyet. Bad doggy, stay, sit.

So they ran under the Russian tanks.

MAN: Bad doggy!

Oh, well, back to drawing board.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hi, I'm a shouty Georgian woman and I'm here to tell you

about the very latest in Georgian mobile communication technology,

the fan!

Each little gesture with the fan sends out a totally different message

and it's so simple to use.

And your parents won't have a clue what you're messaging.

Send thousands of messages a day and there's no bill to pay,

everybody should have one.

Except you, because you're a bloke.

Yeah, terribly sorry.

It's also handy for wafting away foul smells.

Phew-wee!

Yeah, terribly sorry.

So don't delay, buy your Georgian fan today.

MAN: Warning, too much fan flattering can seriously damage a lady's wrist.

Ow.

Are you quite well, daughter?

Oh, most well, Father.

Good day, Mr Willis.

Good day, Mr Andrews.

Surprisingly warm weather for the time of year, Mr Willis.

Indeed, Mr Andrews.

Yes! Yes, this is my favourite composer.

Whoo!

It's the latest dance from London town, Mr Willis.

I see, Mr Andrews.

-Soon. -Sorry?

Spoon, I need a spoon.

Strange boy.

Sir, there is a most pressing question

I would like to ask your daughter.

[SOBBING]

Strange, strange boy.

We Georgian ladies may have had some funny customs,

but let me assure you, Georgian gentlemen were just as silly.

Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to another Historical Fashion Fix.

This week it's all about wigs, stockings and make-up,

you've guessed it.

This week we're going to be making over a Georgian man.

So let's meet him now.

-Hi, Daniel. -All right?

Let's see if we can't work some Fashion Fixmagic

and turn you into an authentic Georgian aristocrat.

Right.

Let's sort out that skin.

-He's looking pretty pale. -Haven't eaten in a week.

But he could do with being a lot paler,

so I've stuck some leeches on his arms.

But he's still not pale enough for a Georgian aristocrat,

so to make Daniel even whiter, you could use chalk dust,

but I prefer to use highly toxic lead paint.

Just add some lipstick and blusher and let's see the difference.

There, much more manly.

Do you like it, Daniel? Course he does, he loves it.

Now, let's do something about those awful clothes.

Well, at least I can't look any more ridiculous.

I stand corrected.

Every bit the Georgian gent.

And that padding really accentuates Daniel's lovely calves.

What you doing?

Just time for the finishing touches, the wig.

The wig is held in place using powder made from flour, starch,

nutmeg and of course, gold dust.

There, looking good, but there's one thing missing.

No Georgian gent is complete without some lice in his wig.

How do you like your look, Daniel?

I look like a poodle on a cushion.

Some people just can't wear good clothes.

You have given me nothing for this programme, absolutely nothing.

That's it this week from Fashion Fix,

join me next time when I'll be teaching a Stone Age caveman

that it's better to wear some clothes for once.

See ya.

Posh Georgian men who dressed up like that were known as Macaronis.

Not sure why, presumably because they looked better covered in cheese.

[LAUGHS]

Mind you, I think everything looks better covered in cheese.

[NARRATOR READING]

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny 'cause they're true, whoo!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee-hee #

[SIGHING] Next!

And you are?

Sir Arthur Aston, English army officer.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Yeah, yeah, course you are, whatever, come on, entertain me.

Well, I was showing off on my horse

for the benefit of some lovely young ladies.

-Hmm, and? -Well, I, uh... I fell off the horse,

I broke my leg, it turned septic, so I had to have it amputated.

And you bled to death.

-Oh, no, no, no, I was fine. -Oh, shame.

You see, I was given this rather wonderful wooden leg

and I was able to return to the army,

and soon I found myself in a battle against Oliver Cromwell's army.

-Oh, good, how did it go? -Not brilliantly.

I was captured and, well, I was beaten to death.

With my own wooden leg.

[SNICKERS]

[LAUGHING]

With your own... Oh, that's hilarious.

Ooh, hey, I bet you were hopping mad.

[LAUGHING] Hopping.

You're very insensitive, you know that?

It's a yes from me, Arthur, you're through to the afterlife.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Hop along, now. Hop along!

Very insensitive.

Oh, dear, yeah, I love my job sometimes. I do, I really do.

Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo #

We Stuarts believed that after the Battle of Edgehill in 1642,

the ghosts of the soldiers who died could be seen acting out the battle

again and again.

Oh!

And here's another scary story.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Greetings, fright fans.

I am Vincenzo Larfoff,

and this week's scary story

is a ghostly tale from Stuart times, The Terror of Tedworth!

It was the year 1662.

A magistrate named John Mompesson

was visiting the town of Tedworth in Wiltshire,

where he was disturbed by a local busker repeatedly banging on a drum.

[DRUM BEATING]

Quiet! We're recording.

The magistrate checked the man's licence to busk

and finding it to be a forgery, threw him in jail

and confiscated his drum, a decision he would come to regret.

[GONG DONGS]

Dong indeed.

After the busker was freed from jail, he simply disappeared,

and it soon became clear that he must have perished

because his ghost started to haunt the mean magistrate.

[GHOSTLY MOAN]

Oh, no, it was much more than a mere "whoo".

The spirit of the dead busker plagued the magistrate's house.

At first, his drum began to bang itself.

Then doors would open and shut on their own,

unseen creatures would gnaw at the walls,

coins would turn black inside pockets

and red, staring eyes would appear in the darkness.

Had the busker's soul come back from the dead

to wreak his revenge on the meddling magistrate?

Was his ghost destined to forever haunt the horror-filled house?

No, he was alive and well and living in...Gloucester?

What? I thought he was dead.

Ah, you see, the drummer wasn't dead at all.

He was found in Gloucester, where he was arrested for stealing a pig?

There was no ghost at all? What is this, Scooby Doo?

You can't have a ghost story where there's no ghost, right?

All that stuff about a drum banging itself, was that just made up?

All this does... It just makes me look silly.

I mean, I didn't spend two weeks at drama school summer camp

to end up doing this sort of rubbish.

Unbelievable.

[NARRATOR READING]

One of our most famous Roman generals was called Julius Caesar.

He went all the way to the top, but what goes up must come down.

MAN: Don't miss this week's News of the Empire exclusive.

It's our Caesar Special.

He defeated the Gauls in France and invaded Britain.

I came, I saw, I conquered, I...

I caught a cold.

The weather was terrible, so I came home again.

[SNEEZES]

MAN: Now, Rome's greatest general has gone from hero to zero.

Yes, JC's reputation is in meltdown

because he started going out with the Queen of Egypt.

Has Cleopatra really stolen his heart?

So what if she has? My wife won't mind.

MAN: We reveal the truth behind the rumours.

Has Cleo really had Caesar's baby?

Well, here's a clue, he's called Caesarean.

He has got my nose, I suppose. [CHUCKLES]

[BABY CRYING]

Oh, there, there, it's not that big.

All right.

MAN: Plus, it's a fashion faux pas as Caesar is spotted

wearing these red boots, just like the last King of Rome.

We ask, is Caesar getting too big for his own boots?

I just like the colour, it doesn't mean to say I want to be King.

What? Okay, so I have declared myself dictator for life but...

MAN: And exclusive, the knives are out for Caesar

in our assassination pullout special,

we list the Senators plotting to stab him in the back.

Wait a minute, who wants to kill me?

MAN: Find out tomorrow.

What, no, no, no, seriously, who wants to kill me?

MAN: Only in this week's News of the Empire,

a cracking good read, although it is all in Latin.

It's true, Caesar started wearing red leather boots

just like the ancient Roman kings

and they were hated by the people of Rome.

The last one, Tarquinius Superbus, had been so evil

they got rid of kings altogether.

[LAUGHS]

Hey! Good name, though, Superbus.

Rattus Superbus. I rather like that, suits me.

Anyway, Caesar really put his foot in it and ended up,

well, getting assassinated.

Hello, and welcome to another Crimewatch BC.

Now, we start this week with a murder

which took place right in the centre of ancient Rome.

The victim was this man, Julius Caesar, a soldier and politician

who was recently made dictator of Rome for life.

It seems Mr Caesar may have known he was a possible target.

On the morning that my husband Caesar was murdered,

I had warned him not to go to the Senate, all the omens were bad,

they were really bad.

Don't go, Caesar. I don't want you to go.

A few weeks ago, a bird flew into the Senate House

-with a laurel leaf in its beak. -So what?

Well, it's a warning.

What, a warning that it might poo on someone's head?

No, it's a warning that someone's going to get killed,

someone wearing a crown of laurel leaves on their head.

What? That is just superstitious nonsense.

Look, I don't want you to go.

I've got a feeling something really bad is going to happen.

Oh, yeah, maybe you're right,

maybe something really, really bad is going to happen, yes.

-Oh, look. -[CLATTERING]

It just did. [LAUGHS]

Brilliant. See you later.

Caesar ignored the bad omens and went to the Senate House anyway.

He was murdered there in broad daylight on the 15th of March.

Take that, Caesar.

Ow, that's me you're stabbing!

Well, I don't know, all I can see is togas.

-Ow, you did it again! -Sorry.

I have with me in the studio

a man who saw the whole thing happen.

So why do you think so many people stabbed Caesar?

Well, I think the murderers thought if lots of them stabbed him

it would be everyone's responsibility,

you know, we'd all be in it together.

Uh, sorry, they, they'd all be in it together.

Any idea why they did it?

Well, I'm told because they thought Caesar had too much power

and wanted to be a king so Caesar had to die!

Well, that's what some people thought, anyway.

Oh, must remember to do the washing-up.

Also with me in the studio is the man leading the hunt

for Caesar's murderers, Senator Mark Antony.

Now, Senator, what do we know about the murderers?

Well, Kirsty, one thing we do know is their identities.

There's Casca and Kimber and there's the ringleaders,

Brutus and Cassius.

So, you know who did it, what next?

Well, we'd very much like to speak to them, just a little chat,

to see if they can assist us in our enquiries.

-Really? -No, we want to kill them

and burn down their houses but I don't want to say that in public,

just in case they run away.

See ya.

Me and my big mouth. I should probably run after him.

Good.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #