All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E07 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]

# Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars,
ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy
description Cut-throat Celts,
awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings,
cruel crimes
Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and
ruthless Cavemen savage,
fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Welcome to
Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

In the Middle Ages, you really
didn't want to get into
a fight with a knight.

Oh, no!

But if you refused to fight,
things could
still get quite messy.

Oh, I can't look.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
You, peasant!
Where is your master?

-What?
-Your master,
the knight, where is he?

I'm up here.

Give me your land
and your castle.

Ooh, you want me to give you
my land and my castle?

[LAUGHS] It's not
going to happen.

-Hand them over or else...
-Or else what?

What are you going
to do to me up here?

-I can do this.
-Ahhh!

Oh!
Oh, no! That is my peasant.

Maybe I cannot get to you,
but I can get
to your property.

[GROANS]

Ah, stupid! How is he going
to farm my crops when he
only has one leg?

He won't be able to,

but you'll still have to pay
for his upkeep.

I don't believe this.

Now give me your
land and your castle,
or they all get it.

Yeah, hand over your castle.

-Oh, thank you.
-No problem.

-Never.
-Arm or leg?

-Arm, I suppose.
-So sorry about this.

-No, no... Ow!
-Oh!

Now will you give me
your land and your castle?

Absolutely not!

Okay, same time tomorrow.

What?

Well,
if you don't hand them over,
I will come back.

Son, you are so stubborn.

I take after you, Papa.
By the way,
give my love to Mama.

Of course. Au revoir.

Children, I tell you. [SIGHS]
I don't know what
to do with them.

[GASPING]

A fight like that
really did take place
in France in the 1100s

between a father and his son.

Incredible!
But not as incredible
as the story of Joan of Arc,

who led a French army
against the English,
aged only 14.

Yeah, 14! Joan claimed she was
told to do it by an angel.

Imagine that.
I'm imagining it.

I'm imagining it.
I'm imagining it.

-Joan of Arc?
-What?

-Are you Joan of Arc?
-Yeah.

I am a vision of St Michael.
I've been sent by
God to find you.

-Pull the other one.
-No, seriously.

You've been chosen to lead
the French army

in a righteous battle against
the oppressive
English invaders.

Nah! There must
have been a mix-up.

-Why would you say that?
-Well, because...

A, I'm just
an illiterate peasant,

C, I'm a girl and A, I'm 14!

I mean,
sweeping up and darning socks
I can do,

but uh, military leadership,
not so much.

Well, he definitely said.
I mean, I wrote it on my
hand and everything.

Are you sure it
wasn't John of Arc?
The bloke next door?

Someone call?

John,
have you been waiting on God
to call on you to lead France

in a glorious victory
against the English?

-Yes, I have.
-No, look,
it definitely says Joan.

Right, um...

Sorry, John, false alarm.

Okay. Well, I'm just next door
if you need me, so... Bye.

-Stay cool.
-Yeah.

-Sorry, mate.
-So,
um, what am I supposed to do?

Well,
you know, convene with God,
predict the future,

lead the French army
to glorious victory

and restore
the King to his throne.

Beats sweeping up. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING] I bet, yeah.

Okay. Uh... Oh, who will darn
all the villagers' socks?

Oh, I'm sure we'll
think of something.

Ow! This is
definitely what God wants?

[SIGHS] I mean, look...

Okay, so John of Arc
was just made up and silly,

but Joan of Arc,
well, she was real,

and went on to
defeat the English
at Orleans in 1429.

Sadly,
she was eventually captured
by the English,

who claimed she was a witch.
Yeah, and they burned
her at the stake.

Well, what do you expect?
This is Horrible Histories.
Hmm.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome to Ready,
Steady, Feast.

Now, aye-aye me hearties
and shiver me timbers,

please welcome aboard
the infamous pirate,
Captain Ned Low.

Arrr.

Arr right back at you.

So, Pirate Ned,
what have you got for us?

Salted meat? Sea biscuits?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I only deal with
the freshest ingredients.

I likes the meat
to still be warm.

Oh, okay. Well, let's see
what's in your pirate booty.

There we are,
fresh out the bag.

Well, we don't
normally allow helpers.

Helpers? They're not helpers,
they're the ingredients.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

Stop your fidgeting,
ya scurvy knaves!

This one here's
a Spanish prisoner.

I'm gonna cut out his heart,

then I'm gonna
takes this French man
and burn him alive.

Finally,
I'm gonna cut the ears off
this here swabby,

sprinkle them with
a little bit of salt
and then makes him eat them.

I hope you're not vegetarian.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, well, I thought you were
going to eat them.

-I don't eats them.
-No.

Frankly, I'm quite offended.
What do you think I am?

I just does all
that for the fun.

[LAUGHING]

Grub's up, Jim lads!

Arr!
You can see why no one wanted
to be captured by us pirates.

So, when we was at sea,
we had to use some
pretty clever tricks.

[LAUGHS]

Hold fast, lads, looks like
there's a lady on board.

-Oh, hello, gorgeous.
-Oi, oi, I saw her first.

ALL: Oh!

Right, I am gonna put my patch
over my good eye, like that.

That be horrible.

-It's me, your captain.
-So it is.

Shiver me timbers.

Captain,
seriously, what is going on?

It's my
brilliant new tactic for
capturing rich merchant ships.

If they think we're all women,

they'll never guess
we're actually pirates.

ALL: Arr!

We can sail nice and close
to their ship,

leap aboard,
slaughter the lot of 'em
and steal all their treasure!

ALL: Arr!

Here be your disguises.

-No, no, no.
-No, no.

Right, what's the problem?

Well,
won't we look a bit girly?

Okay, hands up
who's got a better idea.

I said hands up, Jack.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ooh, Jack's got a suggestion.

Okay, what if we was to lower
the Jolly Roger

and put up
the distress flag instead?

A ship always has
to come to the help
of another ship in distress.

But when they look through
their telescopes

and see that we're pirates,
they'll be long gone.

Yes, but what if we was
to make it look like we've
all been massacred?

Arr! Huh?

We lays on deck,
covers ourselves in red paint,

pretend that we've
been slaughtered.
Then the crew come aboard,

we spring to life,
grab our cutlasses,

and suddenly it's...
[MIMICS SWORD WHOOSHING]

Chop, chop, chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop, chop.

They be the dead ones.

[ALL EXCLAIMING CHEERFULLY]

Nice one, Jack, high five.

-Seriously,
why would you do that?
-Sorry.

Hand out the red paint,
then, Jack.

Oh, um...

[SOFTLY] I didn't
bring any red paint.

What did you say?

-I said I didn't
bring any red paint.
-He didn't bring any paint!

Back to plan A,
get these blouses on, ladies.

Bagsy the pink one.

No, no,
no, no, I want the pink one.
That's my birth colour.

-Um, please don't do...
-It's... Oh!

[NARRATOR READING]

Did you know we
Victorians were
a very inventive bunch?

But sometimes the old methods
are the best methods.

Good day.

MAN: This is
Victorian Dragon's Den.

It's Victorian Britain,
an age of
enterprise and industry,

when many great inventions
were,
well, invented by inventors.

So, can any of
tonight's candidates
convince the Dragons

to put money
behind their ideas?

First up,
it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.

Gentlemen and lady,

allow me to explain
a most efficacious
device that I have invented.

I call it
the automatic bottle washer.

This device will automatically
wash bottles for hours on end,

without the need
for attention or adjustment.

Ah!

It's marvellous. Yes, I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Our next hopeful inventor
is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.

Gentlemen and madam,
I wish to present you

with a golden opportunity
to invest in my most
marvellous invention,

the automatic
potato harvester.

-Wonderful!
-I'm in.

I'm in.

Well, it's been a good day
for our hopefuls so far.

Let's see if Sir
Chesterton Widebelly
can make it a clean sweep.

Lady and gentlemen,

I have invented something
which I believe will
truly change the world.

I call it the vacuum cleaner.

But what does it do?

It sucks... Oh, dear.

It sucks, all right.

The Dragons aren't impressed.

Never mind.

Can Chesterton win them round?

You could use this instead.

Ah, you see,
now that's more like it.

Yes, uh, I'm in.

Oh. I'm in.

I'm in, yes.

The Victorians
made children do
all sorts of terrible jobs,

but they also invented
lots of technology.

Electricity,
the railway, steel ships,
the car, the radio...

Oh, for goodness sake,
just listen to this.

# Twas the age of
Queen Victoria's,
A period notorious

# So many a brand-new goods
we did create

# Our list is
long and glorious

# Though I don't
intend to bore yas

# Was a time of
great invention

# Was it really?
What did we invent, then?

# Well,
I'm just about to mention
Drum roll, please

# Let's raise the tension

-[CLEARING THROAT]
-[DRUM ROLL]

# We invented this
Music Hall

# Is that all?

# Well...

# A chap called Henry Bessemer
invented molten steel

# Which led to other chaps
creating the automobile

# Which led to petrol,
tyres and bikes

# So all that was required

# Was roads so concrete came
and tarmac thought up, too

# You're hired

BOTH:
# Oh, concrete, tarmac, steel

# The automobile

# Seal of rubber wheel

# Such inventive zeal

# Still there's
plenty to reveal

# Victorian
brains worked overtime
to come up with ideas

# We invented light bulbs

# Nice one
# Cheers

# Typewriters and radios

# Now news was fast conveyed
Hello

# A telephone was no good
till a second phone was made

# Hello

# Our inventors did not snooze

# Always had another ruse

# The latest flushing loos

# Films that did amuse

# Flashbulb cameras to use

# What a picture
What a picture

# Vacuum cleaners,
toilet paper,
post boxes and stamps

# Toilets,
aspirin, anaesthetics,
locks, electric lamps

# Sewing machines, x-rays

# Comics, ice cream in a pot

# Easter eggs and rockets

# We invented the whole lot

# Oh...

Oh, hang on. There's more.

# Trains and lines and bridges
and the Underground as well

# Paddle steamers, prams
and disinfectant
for their smell

# Sterile doctors' instruments

# One last unmentioned brand

# Victorians invented
the world's
first conveyer band

Cuddly toy?

Invented 1902,
the year after Victoria died.

BOTH:
# Oh, barometers were new

# Iron ships so cool

# What genius!
# Thank you

# Seems we're almost through

BOTH:
# Just one little oversight #

[EXPLODES]

[COUGHS]

We invented dynamite.

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

-Yeah,
it's probably a good idea.
-No, really, he does stink.

All right.

[NARRATOR READING]

And soap wasn't the only way
Saxons had of
cleansing things.

[ROOSTER CROWING]

No darling, don't touch it,
it's fallen in that poo.

Don't worry,
Mummy knows what to do.

WOMAN:
New Saxon Sign of the Cross.

Now cleansing action is
more powerful than ever.

There,
it's all pure and cleansed.

You can eat it now.

Protect you and your family.

-Are you sure?
-Yes darling,

I've done the sign
of the cross over it.

Saxon Sign of the Cross.
Kills all
household germs dead.

MAN: Warning! Spiritual
blessings are unlikely
to kill any germs whatsoever.

Eating poo is a very bad idea.

Okay, so the sign of the cross
didn't actually work.

No wonder in Saxon times
we had some very
unpleasant diseases.

Hello,
Ethelbert, how you doing?
All right?

All right, Edwin.
Yeah, mustn't grumble,
mustn't grumble.

I see you've still got
a nasty case of that ergotism?

Yeah, I think I must have
eaten some bread

that was infected with that
ergot fungus, you know.

It's like me arms and my legs
are on fire,

I can't stop 'em twitching.

How are you? All right?
See you've still
got some fleas, then?

Oh, that's right, Edwin,
I just can't
seem to shake 'em.

Oh,
have you tried having a bath?

Yeah, I had a bath only
a year ago, and I've tried
that new Saxon cure.

Locked all my
flea-infested clothes
in an airtight box.

Oh,
I heard about that one, yeah.

Supposed to
suffocate the fleas,
isn't it? Does it work?

What do you think?

Well, maybe you should try
some new clothes or something.

Well, I'm wearing some
new underwear, as it goes,

but it's
definitely not helping.

-What's it made of, mate?
-Stinging nettles, ahhh!

Ah, well, anyway,
it's good to see ya, mate.

Uh, hope
the fleas clear up a bit.

Yeah, I hope your
ergotism gets better.

Oh, it'll be fine.
If it was anything serious,

something would've dropped off
by now, you know.

-Anyway,
good to see you, mate.
-Good to see you.

Take care.

Edwin, I think
you left something behind.

It's true!

Ergotism gave you gangrene,
which meant bits of you could
just, well, drop off.

Ha! Ooh,
arms? Check. Legs? Check.

Taily?
Taily, where are you, taily?

Oh, taily, taily...
Oh, there you are.

[CHUCKLING] Little taily.
Oh, thank goodness.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello and welcome
to the News at When.

When? The 1600s,

when the people of
Britain went to war
with each other

to decide whether they wanted
the country ruled by a king

or ruled by Parliament.

With more details,
it's over to Bob Hale,
with the Civil War Report.

Bob.

Thank you, Sam.
Well, it's 1625

and I hope you're
dressed smartly,
because here comes the King.

Yes, it's King Charles I,

and right from day one
he is stirring up trouble.

Mainly because
he's supposed to be
a Protestant,

like the Church of England,

but he keeps doing
some very Catholic-y things,

like marrying a Catholic,
praying like a Catholic

and wearing an
"I love Catholics" t-shirt,
except not the last one.

And Charlie's behaviour annoys
an awful lot of people,

especially in Parliament,
down here in London.

So Charlie tells them
to take some time off,

about 10 years, in fact,

leaving him in charge
of the entire country,

which is jolly good fun.
But not for long.

First the Scots,
sick of this bossy,
Catholic-loving king,

start a war against him.

And then the Irish, sick of
English people
stealing all their land,

start another war against him,

and wars are very expensive.

So, Charlie brings back
Parliament, just so he can ask
them for some money.

And they say,
"No, because you tried
to get rid of us, remember?"

And instead they just give him
a big long list

of everything they
don't like about him.

Well, talk about trouble.

Over the next two years,
the country divides in two,

with some people
siding with Charlie,
that's the Cavaliers,

and other people
siding with Parliament,
that's the Roundheads.

Until,
in 1642, here in Nottingham,

Civil War is declared,
and what a war it is!

In fact, if we look at
the fight-o-meter,

we can see that the first
major battle, Edgehill,

victory goes
to...no one at all.

How very dull,
it's a dead heat.

But in round two,
here in London,
the winner is...

Oh, a great result
for the Roundheads there.

Followed by a real killing
for the Cavaliers

down in the West Country.

And then, another win
for the King up north,

taking Bolton, Preston,
Wigan and Liverpool,

where my cousin Ted
runs a dry cleaners
just off the High Street,

half price
shirts on Wednesdays.
Worth remembering.

But the King's luck
can't last, it's complete
murder at Marston Moor

followed by
a knockout at Newbury
and annihilation at Naseby.

In fact, he's doing so badly,
he's broken our thingy.

But Charlie has an idea.

He'll make a truce with the
Scots if they'll help him
fight the Roundheads,

which is absolutely brilliant.

Except it doesn't work at all,
and they just hand him
over to Parliament.

Whoops!
So, the Roundheads win,
the Cavaliers lose

and that is the end of that.

But not for long!

It soon becomes clear that
the Roundhead leader,
Oliver Cromwell,

is about as much fun
as stinging nettle underpants,

so the Scots finally form
an alliance with Charlie,

to overthrow Cromwell.
Yes, it's Civil War Part 2.

With the Scots
and the Cavaliers
fighting on the same side,

there's no way they can lose.

Or so we thought!

Yes,
Cromwell completely crushes
both of them,

and it's goodbye Civil War,
goodbye Charlie's head,

and indeed, goodbye kings
and queens altogether.

Yes, Cromwell is now
in charge of the country,

and with all
the warring finally over,

Ollie can stop being mean
to the Cavaliers

and start being
mean to the rest of us.

He turns Britain
into a Puritan state,

which means banning
pretty much
anything that's fun,

including sport,
theatre and Christmas.

And then he runs
out of stuff to ban,
gets bored and dies.

So his son Richard takes over,

but he's about as much use
as a jelly pickaxe.

And before long, the people
of Britain just want
the petty Puritans out

and the crazy kings back.

Yes! Prince
Charles is welcomed home
with open arms.

He becomes King Charles II
and the monarchy is restored!

It's the Restoration!
Which gives us all
sorts of fun things,

including
restoration comedies,

restoration fashion
and restoration furniture.

Including this delightful
mahogany bureau.

Now, do I hear £750?
750 for the bureau?

750 once at the back. 750.
I've got 800 for the bureau.

800, going once at 800.

900 for the bureau,
900 at the back there.

950 at the back there.
I've got £1,000.

£1,000. Going once at 1,000,
twice at 1,000.

Sold for £1,000 to
the beautiful lady with
the beautiful bob haircut.

And back to you, Sam.

One of the decisive battles
of the English Civil War

was at Marston Moor,

but what happened
there was unusual,
to say the least.

Let's go over live to
Mike Peabody to find out what
actually happened.

Mike?

I'm here at Marston Moor,
just west of York,

the site that
promises to become

one of the most brutal and
bloodiest battles of
the whole Civil War.

I'm hoping to catch up with
Prince Rupert,

leader of the Royalist forces,

who's currently preparing
his Cavalier
army for...dinner.

-Um...
-What ho, old bean!

Hello,
um, Mike Peabody, HH TV News.

Prince Rupert, hello.

I couldn't help but notice,
you're not
actually preparing for battle.

Well, of course not.

It's gone 7:00,
only an hour of daylight left.

Not enough time for a battle,
but plenty of time
for a slap-up feed.

So I've ordered the
entire Cavalier Army to down
weapons and have supper.

Sit down and join us.
Pheasant?

No, I'm a Duke!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Pheasant, peasant, get it?

Yes, uh, very good.
The problem is there are
thousands of enemy Roundheads

just over there,
on the other side of the moor.

Aren't you
a little bit worried?

Well, yes, I am rather worried
I'm going to die...

Of thirst! [CACKLING]

Pass me the wine, old man.
To the King!

To the King!

Yeah, what happens
if the Roundheads
launch a surprise attack?

[GASPS] Hold on!
I think I hear something.

[BURPS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

No, you big ninny.
No one's going to
start a long battle

this late in the day.

It's just not how we do things
in the Stuart era.

Yes, if they would attack now,
we would... [GRUNTS]

[DISTANT YELLING]

The Roundheads are attacking!
The bally cheek of it!

Right, now you listen.

Now, I have a butter knife and
I'm not afraid to
use it, so get back.

This is Mike Peabody,
HH TV News,

at the surprise
Roundhead attack
at Marston Moor,

really wishing he
was somewhere else.

Now, you get back
or I will spread you.
I am not joking.

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

When the Romans
invaded Britain,

they had a bit of a problem
in East Anglia.

The land they found there
was wet and marshy.

Very, very wet and very,
very marshy.

But then one Roman general
had a bright idea.

Why don't we use stilts?

His plan worked brilliantly.

The stilts stopped the Romans
getting wet,

but there was
one small problem.

The Celts worked out that
the Romans on stilts...

[EXCLAIMING]

...were very
easy to knock over.

The Romans fell like dominoes.

And the Celts
swiftly finished them off.

Ah, well, guess it's back
to the drawing tablet.
And quickly.

[YELLING] And don't come back!

[CLEARING THROAT]
Sorry about that.

Unfortunately,
lots of Romans did end up
settling in Britain,

and they were very different
from us Celts.

NARRATOR: Welcome to this
special Celtic episode of
Historical Wife Swap.

This is Mr and Mrs Celt.

Their family have
lived in Britain
for centuries,

and they're doing a wife
swap with their brand-new
neighbours, the Romans.

Originally from Italy,
they've recently
conquered Britain.

How will these two
very different
cultures get on?

Hello! I'm Mrs Roman.
You must be Mr Celt.

-Hello, Mrs Roman.
-Oh, what a lovely stable.

-Stable?
No, no. This is our home.
-Oh.

I just haven't had the chance
to make it look nice,
you know.

I was just about to put up
these decorations.

-[SCREAMS]
-Enemy head battle trophies.

I was thinking of
putting this one up here.

What do you think, uh...
Hello?

Where's she gone?

We Romans build our villas
with stones and plaster.

And I asked that furball
what Celts make
their walls out of,

and it is only sticks,
and get this,
animal poo.

Ugh!

MAN:
But how is Mrs Celt faring
at the Roman villa?

Hello. Ooh!

Sorry. Sorry. It's the price
you pay for having such long,
beautiful Celtic hair.

-[STAMMERS] I'm Gelda.
-You're a bit late,
aren't you?

-I was expecting
you first thing.
-But it is first thing.

But it's nightfall.

But to us Celts,
nightfall is
the start of the new day.

I see. Well, I'm afraid
you've missed supper.

It's a shame,
I've laid on peacock rissoles.

But do have an apple.

-What on earth is that?
-It's fruit.
You eat it. It's delicious.

We brought them
over from Italy.

That's not half bad. Mmm.

-We're off to a good start.
-[BOTH CHUCKLING]

So will dinnertime
in the Celtic hut
go smoothly?

Are you not hungry?

No, I think I've
lost my appetite.
I'd like to go to bed now.

Can you show me
where my bedroom is, please?

[LAUGHS] Bedroom?
That's a good one.

We have a wolf
skin on the floor
over there to keep you warm.

Ow! Cut my foot.

What? Oh, it's these teeth.

Oh, that's a nasty cut.

Don't worry,
we'll soon sort that out

with some top-of-the-range
Celtic medicine.

-[WHISTLING] Here, boy!
-[DOG BARKING]

A lick of the dog's tongue
will soon heal that up.

[WHISTLING]
Here, boy!
Where is he? Here, boy!

[GROANS] Where is that...
Hello?

But how are
the sleeping arrangements
in the luxurious Roman villa?

You'll be staying
in the guest bedroom
this evening.

-On the floor?
-On a bed.

A bed? Oh.

It should be warm enough.

I've got the slaves stoking
the central heating,

and in the morning,
you can just have a nice,
hot bath.

A hot bath?

Or a dip in the mosaic pool
in the peacock
garden if you prefer.

Then the slaves will come
and get you dressed.

Oh, I think I'm going to
like it here after all. Oh!

This new Roman
fruit is delicious.

Apples, pears, plums, yummy!

And they've even
brought new animals
over to Britain, too,

and they're so cute.

-[CAT MEOWING]
-Oh, look! Here's one now.

Here, puss, puss.
Here, puss... Ow!

NARRATOR:
Well, the wife swap is over

and it's clear not everyone
has enjoyed their experience.

I have had the most awful
time. You Celts,
you eat like animals.

You sleep on the floor.

Your huts are
made of animal poo,
decorated with severed heads.

You're savages.

All right,
dear, no need to be rude.

No, Marcus, I'm sorry.
I want you to
take me back to Rome.

I miss the climate,
the neighbours,
the civilisation.

Aye, that's right. You get
yourselves off back to Rome,
ya stuck-up idiots.

You might not appreciate
our dirty, stinky hut,
but to us, it's home.

Right, when you talk
to my wife like that, I...
I will get angry.

-Get out of here, pal.
-Nasty.

Come on, love, let's go home.

Uh... Any chance
you could take me with you?

[SCREAMS]

# Tall tales, atrocious acts
We gave you all
the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam
or glitz We showed you
all the juicy bits

# Gory,
ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't
teach you at school

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories #