Original subtitles

gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories

[NARRATOR READING]

In the Middle Ages, you really didn't want to get into a fight with a knight.

Oh, no!

But if you refused to fight, things could still get quite messy.

Oh, I can't look.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] You, peasant! Where is your master?

-What? -Your master, the knight, where is he?

I'm up here.

Give me your land and your castle.

Ooh, you want me to give you my land and my castle?

[LAUGHS] It's not going to happen.

-Hand them over or else... -Or else what?

What are you going to do to me up here?

-I can do this. -Ahhh!

Oh! Oh, no! That is my peasant.

Maybe I cannot get to you, but I can get to your property.

[GROANS]

Ah, stupid! How is he going to farm my crops when he only has one leg?

He won't be able to,

but you'll still have to pay for his upkeep.

I don't believe this.

Now give me your land and your castle, or they all get it.

Yeah, hand over your castle.

-Oh, thank you. -No problem.

-Never. -Arm or leg?

-Arm, I suppose. -So sorry about this.

-No, no... Ow! -Oh!

Now will you give me your land and your castle?

Absolutely not!

Okay, same time tomorrow.

What?

Well, if you don't hand them over, I will come back.

Son, you are so stubborn.

I take after you, Papa. By the way, give my love to Mama.

Of course. Au revoir.

Children, I tell you. [SIGHS] I don't know what to do with them.

[GASPING]

A fight like that really did take place in France in the 1100s

between a father and his son.

Incredible! But not as incredible as the story of Joan of Arc,

who led a French army against the English, aged only 14.

Yeah, 14! Joan claimed she was told to do it by an angel.

Imagine that. I'm imagining it.

I'm imagining it. I'm imagining it.

-Joan of Arc? -What?

-Are you Joan of Arc? -Yeah.

I am a vision of St Michael. I've been sent by God to find you.

-Pull the other one. -No, seriously.

You've been chosen to lead the French army

in a righteous battle against the oppressive English invaders.

Nah! There must have been a mix-up.

-Why would you say that? -Well, because...

A, I'm just an illiterate peasant,

C, I'm a girl and A, I'm 14!

I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,

but uh, military leadership, not so much.

Well, he definitely said. I mean, I wrote it on my hand and everything.

Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc? The bloke next door?

Someone call?

John, have you been waiting on God to call on you to lead France

in a glorious victory against the English?

-Yes, I have. -No, look, it definitely says Joan.

Right, um...

Sorry, John, false alarm.

Okay. Well, I'm just next door if you need me, so... Bye.

-Stay cool. -Yeah.

-Sorry, mate. -So, um, what am I supposed to do?

Well, you know, convene with God, predict the future,

lead the French army to glorious victory

and restore the King to his throne.

Beats sweeping up. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING] I bet, yeah.

Okay. Uh... Oh, who will darn all the villagers' socks?

Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something.

Ow! This is definitely what God wants?

[SIGHS] I mean, look...

Okay, so John of Arc was just made up and silly,

but Joan of Arc, well, she was real,

and went on to defeat the English at Orleans in 1429.

Sadly, she was eventually captured by the English,

who claimed she was a witch. Yeah, and they burned her at the stake.

Well, what do you expect? This is Horrible Histories. Hmm.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome to Ready, Steady, Feast.

Now, aye-aye me hearties and shiver me timbers,

please welcome aboard the infamous pirate, Captain Ned Low.

Arrr.

Arr right back at you.

So, Pirate Ned, what have you got for us?

Salted meat? Sea biscuits?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I only deal with the freshest ingredients.

I likes the meat to still be warm.

Oh, okay. Well, let's see what's in your pirate booty.

There we are, fresh out the bag.

Well, we don't normally allow helpers.

Helpers? They're not helpers, they're the ingredients.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

Stop your fidgeting, ya scurvy knaves!

This one here's a Spanish prisoner.

I'm gonna cut out his heart,

then I'm gonna takes this French man and burn him alive.

Finally, I'm gonna cut the ears off this here swabby,

sprinkle them with a little bit of salt and then makes him eat them.

I hope you're not vegetarian. [LAUGHS]

Oh, well, I thought you were going to eat them.

-I don't eats them. -No.

Frankly, I'm quite offended. What do you think I am?

I just does all that for the fun.

[LAUGHING]

Grub's up, Jim lads!

Arr! You can see why no one wanted to be captured by us pirates.

So, when we was at sea, we had to use some pretty clever tricks.

[LAUGHS]

Hold fast, lads, looks like there's a lady on board.

-Oh, hello, gorgeous. -Oi, oi, I saw her first.

ALL: Oh!

Right, I am gonna put my patch over my good eye, like that.

That be horrible.

-It's me, your captain. -So it is.

Shiver me timbers.

Captain, seriously, what is going on?

It's my brilliant new tactic for capturing rich merchant ships.

If they think we're all women,

they'll never guess we're actually pirates.

ALL: Arr!

We can sail nice and close to their ship,

leap aboard, slaughter the lot of 'em and steal all their treasure!

ALL: Arr!

Here be your disguises.

-No, no, no. -No, no.

Right, what's the problem?

Well, won't we look a bit girly?

Okay, hands up who's got a better idea.

I said hands up, Jack.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ooh, Jack's got a suggestion.

Okay, what if we was to lower the Jolly Roger

and put up the distress flag instead?

A ship always has to come to the help of another ship in distress.

But when they look through their telescopes

and see that we're pirates, they'll be long gone.

Yes, but what if we was to make it look like we've all been massacred?

Arr! Huh?

We lays on deck, covers ourselves in red paint,

pretend that we've been slaughtered. Then the crew come aboard,

we spring to life, grab our cutlasses,

and suddenly it's... [MIMICS SWORD WHOOSHING]

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

They be the dead ones.

[ALL EXCLAIMING CHEERFULLY]

Nice one, Jack, high five.

-Seriously, why would you do that? -Sorry.

Hand out the red paint, then, Jack.

Oh, um...

[SOFTLY] I didn't bring any red paint.

What did you say?

-I said I didn't bring any red paint. -He didn't bring any paint!

Back to plan A, get these blouses on, ladies.

Bagsy the pink one.

No, no, no, no, I want the pink one. That's my birth colour.

-Um, please don't do... -It's... Oh!

[NARRATOR READING]

Did you know we Victorians were a very inventive bunch?

But sometimes the old methods are the best methods.

Good day.

MAN: This is Victorian Dragon's Den.

It's Victorian Britain, an age of enterprise and industry,

when many great inventions were, well, invented by inventors.

So, can any of tonight's candidates convince the Dragons

to put money behind their ideas?

First up, it's Mr Nathaniel Twonk.

Gentlemen and lady,

allow me to explain a most efficacious device that I have invented.

I call it the automatic bottle washer.

This device will automatically wash bottles for hours on end,

without the need for attention or adjustment.

Ah!

It's marvellous. Yes, I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Our next hopeful inventor is Mrs Edwina Gruelbucket.

Gentlemen and madam, I wish to present you

with a golden opportunity to invest in my most marvellous invention,

the automatic potato harvester.

-Wonderful! -I'm in.

I'm in.

Well, it's been a good day for our hopefuls so far.

Let's see if Sir Chesterton Widebelly can make it a clean sweep.

Lady and gentlemen,

I have invented something which I believe will truly change the world.

I call it the vacuum cleaner.

But what does it do?

It sucks... Oh, dear.

It sucks, all right.

The Dragons aren't impressed.

Never mind.

Can Chesterton win them round?

You could use this instead.

Ah, you see, now that's more like it.

Yes, uh, I'm in.

Oh. I'm in.

I'm in, yes.

The Victorians made children do all sorts of terrible jobs,

but they also invented lots of technology.

Electricity, the railway, steel ships, the car, the radio...

Oh, for goodness sake, just listen to this.

Queen Victoria's, A period notorious

we did create

long and glorious

intend to bore yas

great invention

What did we invent, then?

I'm just about to mention Drum roll, please

-[CLEARING THROAT] -[DRUM ROLL]

Music Hall

invented molten steel

creating the automobile

tyres and bikes

and tarmac thought up, too

BOTH:

plenty to reveal

brains worked overtime to come up with ideas

Hello

till a second phone was made

What a picture

toilet paper, post boxes and stamps

aspirin, anaesthetics, locks, electric lamps

Oh, hang on. There's more.

and the Underground as well

and disinfectant for their smell

the world's first conveyer band

Cuddly toy?

Invented 1902, the year after Victoria died.

BOTH:

BOTH:

[EXPLODES]

[COUGHS]

We invented dynamite.

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

-Yeah, it's probably a good idea. -No, really, he does stink.

All right.

[NARRATOR READING]

And soap wasn't the only way Saxons had of cleansing things.

[ROOSTER CROWING]

No darling, don't touch it, it's fallen in that poo.

Don't worry, Mummy knows what to do.

WOMAN: New Saxon Sign of the Cross.

Now cleansing action is more powerful than ever.

There, it's all pure and cleansed.

You can eat it now.

Protect you and your family.

-Are you sure? -Yes darling,

I've done the sign of the cross over it.

Saxon Sign of the Cross. Kills all household germs dead.

MAN: Warning! Spiritual blessings are unlikely to kill any germs whatsoever.

Eating poo is a very bad idea.

Okay, so the sign of the cross didn't actually work.

No wonder in Saxon times we had some very unpleasant diseases.

Hello, Ethelbert, how you doing? All right?

All right, Edwin. Yeah, mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble.

I see you've still got a nasty case of that ergotism?

Yeah, I think I must have eaten some bread

that was infected with that ergot fungus, you know.

It's like me arms and my legs are on fire,

I can't stop 'em twitching.

How are you? All right? See you've still got some fleas, then?

Oh, that's right, Edwin, I just can't seem to shake 'em.

Oh, have you tried having a bath?

Yeah, I had a bath only a year ago, and I've tried that new Saxon cure.

Locked all my flea-infested clothes in an airtight box.

Oh, I heard about that one, yeah.

Supposed to suffocate the fleas, isn't it? Does it work?

What do you think?

Well, maybe you should try some new clothes or something.

Well, I'm wearing some new underwear, as it goes,

but it's definitely not helping.

-What's it made of, mate? -Stinging nettles, ahhh!

Ah, well, anyway, it's good to see ya, mate.

Uh, hope the fleas clear up a bit.

Yeah, I hope your ergotism gets better.

Oh, it'll be fine. If it was anything serious,

something would've dropped off by now, you know.

-Anyway, good to see you, mate. -Good to see you.

Take care.

Edwin, I think you left something behind.

It's true!

Ergotism gave you gangrene, which meant bits of you could just, well, drop off.

Ha! Ooh, arms? Check. Legs? Check.

Taily? Taily, where are you, taily?

Oh, taily, taily... Oh, there you are.

[CHUCKLING] Little taily. Oh, thank goodness.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello and welcome to the News at When.

When? The 1600s,

when the people of Britain went to war with each other

to decide whether they wanted the country ruled by a king

or ruled by Parliament.

With more details, it's over to Bob Hale, with the Civil War Report.

Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 1625

and I hope you're dressed smartly, because here comes the King.

Yes, it's King Charles I,

and right from day one he is stirring up trouble.

Mainly because he's supposed to be a Protestant,

like the Church of England,

but he keeps doing some very Catholic-y things,

like marrying a Catholic, praying like a Catholic

and wearing an "I love Catholics" t-shirt, except not the last one.

And Charlie's behaviour annoys an awful lot of people,

especially in Parliament, down here in London.

So Charlie tells them to take some time off,

about 10 years, in fact,

leaving him in charge of the entire country,

which is jolly good fun. But not for long.

First the Scots, sick of this bossy, Catholic-loving king,

start a war against him.

And then the Irish, sick of English people stealing all their land,

start another war against him,

and wars are very expensive.

So, Charlie brings back Parliament, just so he can ask them for some money.

And they say, "No, because you tried to get rid of us, remember?"

And instead they just give him a big long list

of everything they don't like about him.

Well, talk about trouble.

Over the next two years, the country divides in two,

with some people siding with Charlie, that's the Cavaliers,

and other people siding with Parliament, that's the Roundheads.

Until, in 1642, here in Nottingham,

Civil War is declared, and what a war it is!

In fact, if we look at the fight-o-meter,

we can see that the first major battle, Edgehill,

victory goes to...no one at all.

How very dull, it's a dead heat.

But in round two, here in London, the winner is...

Oh, a great result for the Roundheads there.

Followed by a real killing for the Cavaliers

down in the West Country.

And then, another win for the King up north,

taking Bolton, Preston, Wigan and Liverpool,

where my cousin Ted runs a dry cleaners just off the High Street,

half price shirts on Wednesdays. Worth remembering.

But the King's luck can't last, it's complete murder at Marston Moor

followed by a knockout at Newbury and annihilation at Naseby.

In fact, he's doing so badly, he's broken our thingy.

But Charlie has an idea.

He'll make a truce with the Scots if they'll help him fight the Roundheads,

which is absolutely brilliant.

Except it doesn't work at all, and they just hand him over to Parliament.

Whoops! So, the Roundheads win, the Cavaliers lose

and that is the end of that.

But not for long!

It soon becomes clear that the Roundhead leader, Oliver Cromwell,

is about as much fun as stinging nettle underpants,

so the Scots finally form an alliance with Charlie,

to overthrow Cromwell. Yes, it's Civil War Part 2.

With the Scots and the Cavaliers fighting on the same side,

there's no way they can lose.

Or so we thought!

Yes, Cromwell completely crushes both of them,

and it's goodbye Civil War, goodbye Charlie's head,

and indeed, goodbye kings and queens altogether.

Yes, Cromwell is now in charge of the country,

and with all the warring finally over,

Ollie can stop being mean to the Cavaliers

and start being mean to the rest of us.

He turns Britain into a Puritan state,

which means banning pretty much anything that's fun,

including sport, theatre and Christmas.

And then he runs out of stuff to ban, gets bored and dies.

So his son Richard takes over,

but he's about as much use as a jelly pickaxe.

And before long, the people of Britain just want the petty Puritans out

and the crazy kings back.

Yes! Prince Charles is welcomed home with open arms.

He becomes King Charles II and the monarchy is restored!

It's the Restoration! Which gives us all sorts of fun things,

including restoration comedies,

restoration fashion and restoration furniture.

Including this delightful mahogany bureau.

Now, do I hear £750? 750 for the bureau?

750 once at the back. 750. I've got 800 for the bureau.

800, going once at 800.

900 for the bureau, 900 at the back there.

950 at the back there. I've got £1,000.

£1,000. Going once at 1,000, twice at 1,000.

Sold for £1,000 to the beautiful lady with the beautiful bob haircut.

And back to you, Sam.

One of the decisive battles of the English Civil War

was at Marston Moor,

but what happened there was unusual, to say the least.

Let's go over live to Mike Peabody to find out what actually happened.

Mike?

I'm here at Marston Moor, just west of York,

the site that promises to become

one of the most brutal and bloodiest battles of the whole Civil War.

I'm hoping to catch up with Prince Rupert,

leader of the Royalist forces,

who's currently preparing his Cavalier army for...dinner.

-Um... -What ho, old bean!

Hello, um, Mike Peabody, HH TV News.

Prince Rupert, hello.

I couldn't help but notice, you're not actually preparing for battle.

Well, of course not.

It's gone 7:00, only an hour of daylight left.

Not enough time for a battle, but plenty of time for a slap-up feed.

So I've ordered the entire Cavalier Army to down weapons and have supper.

Sit down and join us. Pheasant?

No, I'm a Duke!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Pheasant, peasant, get it?

Yes, uh, very good. The problem is there are thousands of enemy Roundheads

just over there, on the other side of the moor.

Aren't you a little bit worried?

Well, yes, I am rather worried I'm going to die...

Of thirst! [CACKLING]

Pass me the wine, old man. To the King!

To the King!

Yeah, what happens if the Roundheads launch a surprise attack?

[GASPS] Hold on! I think I hear something.

[BURPS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

No, you big ninny. No one's going to start a long battle

this late in the day.

It's just not how we do things in the Stuart era.

Yes, if they would attack now, we would... [GRUNTS]

[DISTANT YELLING]

The Roundheads are attacking! The bally cheek of it!

Right, now you listen.

Now, I have a butter knife and I'm not afraid to use it, so get back.

This is Mike Peabody, HH TV News,

at the surprise Roundhead attack at Marston Moor,

really wishing he was somewhere else.

Now, you get back or I will spread you. I am not joking.

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

When the Romans invaded Britain,

they had a bit of a problem in East Anglia.

The land they found there was wet and marshy.

Very, very wet and very, very marshy.

But then one Roman general had a bright idea.

Why don't we use stilts?

His plan worked brilliantly.

The stilts stopped the Romans getting wet,

but there was one small problem.

The Celts worked out that the Romans on stilts...

[EXCLAIMING]

...were very easy to knock over.

The Romans fell like dominoes.

And the Celts swiftly finished them off.

Ah, well, guess it's back to the drawing tablet. And quickly.

[YELLING] And don't come back!

[CLEARING THROAT] Sorry about that.

Unfortunately, lots of Romans did end up settling in Britain,

and they were very different from us Celts.

NARRATOR: Welcome to this special Celtic episode of Historical Wife Swap.

This is Mr and Mrs Celt.

Their family have lived in Britain for centuries,

and they're doing a wife swap with their brand-new neighbours, the Romans.

Originally from Italy, they've recently conquered Britain.

How will these two very different cultures get on?

Hello! I'm Mrs Roman. You must be Mr Celt.

-Hello, Mrs Roman. -Oh, what a lovely stable.

-Stable? No, no. This is our home. -Oh.

I just haven't had the chance to make it look nice, you know.

I was just about to put up these decorations.

-[SCREAMS] -Enemy head battle trophies.

I was thinking of putting this one up here.

What do you think, uh... Hello?

Where's she gone?

We Romans build our villas with stones and plaster.

And I asked that furball what Celts make their walls out of,

and it is only sticks, and get this, animal poo.

Ugh!

MAN: But how is Mrs Celt faring at the Roman villa?

Hello. Ooh!

Sorry. Sorry. It's the price you pay for having such long, beautiful Celtic hair.

-[STAMMERS] I'm Gelda. -You're a bit late, aren't you?

-I was expecting you first thing. -But it is first thing.

But it's nightfall.

But to us Celts, nightfall is the start of the new day.

I see. Well, I'm afraid you've missed supper.

It's a shame, I've laid on peacock rissoles.

But do have an apple.

-What on earth is that? -It's fruit. You eat it. It's delicious.

We brought them over from Italy.

That's not half bad. Mmm.

-We're off to a good start. -[BOTH CHUCKLING]

So will dinnertime in the Celtic hut go smoothly?

Are you not hungry?

No, I think I've lost my appetite. I'd like to go to bed now.

Can you show me where my bedroom is, please?

[LAUGHS] Bedroom? That's a good one.

We have a wolf skin on the floor over there to keep you warm.

Ow! Cut my foot.

What? Oh, it's these teeth.

Oh, that's a nasty cut.

Don't worry, we'll soon sort that out

with some top-of-the-range Celtic medicine.

-[WHISTLING] Here, boy! -[DOG BARKING]

A lick of the dog's tongue will soon heal that up.

[WHISTLING] Here, boy! Where is he? Here, boy!

[GROANS] Where is that... Hello?

But how are the sleeping arrangements in the luxurious Roman villa?

You'll be staying in the guest bedroom this evening.

-On the floor? -On a bed.

A bed? Oh.

It should be warm enough.

I've got the slaves stoking the central heating,

and in the morning, you can just have a nice, hot bath.

A hot bath?

Or a dip in the mosaic pool in the peacock garden if you prefer.

Then the slaves will come and get you dressed.

Oh, I think I'm going to like it here after all. Oh!

This new Roman fruit is delicious.

Apples, pears, plums, yummy!

And they've even brought new animals over to Britain, too,

and they're so cute.

-[CAT MEOWING] -Oh, look! Here's one now.

Here, puss, puss. Here, puss... Ow!

NARRATOR: Well, the wife swap is over

and it's clear not everyone has enjoyed their experience.

I have had the most awful time. You Celts, you eat like animals.

You sleep on the floor.

Your huts are made of animal poo, decorated with severed heads.

You're savages.

All right, dear, no need to be rude.

No, Marcus, I'm sorry. I want you to take me back to Rome.

I miss the climate, the neighbours, the civilisation.

Aye, that's right. You get yourselves off back to Rome, ya stuck-up idiots.

You might not appreciate our dirty, stinky hut, but to us, it's home.

Right, when you talk to my wife like that, I... I will get angry.

-Get out of here, pal. -Nasty.

Come on, love, let's go home.

Uh... Any chance you could take me with you?

[SCREAMS]

We gave you all the fearsome facts

or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

ghastly, mean and cruel

teach you at school

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories