Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description

Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory Stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[MAN READING]

Our King George III was a bit loopy,

but not nearly as loopy as the doctors who tried to treat him.

The royal doctor, Your Majesty.

Doctor? I don't need a doctor.

I was just telling the Prussian Ambassador here...

That is a pot plant, Your Majesty.

Oh, yes, so it is.

[SCOFFS] Well, as I was just telling this pot plant here

I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden.

[SNORTS]

Seize the patient.

What are you doing? Unhand me, you knaves.

I'm afraid his majesty is quite mad.

Mad, I'm absolutely furious.

Please, his majesty must see that he's not well.

Huh, I suppose I have been a bit off colour.

As has his wee wee, bright purple.

Yes, thank you.

I think we'll leave the diagnosis and treatment

to those of us trained in the medical profession.

Only science can provide the solution, science and mustard.

Mustard, what a good idea.

I'm a sausage, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

Yes, that's clearly not working.

We'll try another Georgian cure.

Oh, splendid, what's that?

I'm not going to blind you with science,

just assault you with this red hot poker.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

It's quite simple really,

we just wait for a blister to appear and then pop.

Is this really supposed to cure him?

Yes, that and shouting at him.

Stop being mad, get better.

We Georgian doctors have made great strides

in the treatment of this affliction. Get better!

Shouldn't you be giving him some sort of medicine?

Oh, I already have, he's on a spoonful of Arsenic, twice a day.

Arsenic?

Yes, mixed in with some other stuff.

But Arsenic is highly poisonous,

you're going to make him worse.

Worse!

Are you trying to tell me

that I, the King's own physician,

am making the King worse, are you insane?

Insane...

Because if you are insane,

I shall have to treat you, too.

Why don't I help you treat him?

Yes, um, you...

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Stop being mad!

Get better!

Grow up!

Don't act weird all the time.

Just stop it.

You know, George III really did have purple wee,

it was probably caused by one of his doctor's cures.

I bet you could win Britain's got Talentwith that.

Tonight, Simon, I'm gonna fill this bucket with purple wee.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, poor old George III,

he really was one sandwich short of a picnic.

Lay the table, it's Ready Steady Feast,

and joining us in the kitchen this week

is his majesty, King George III.

Oh.

-Have you seen the royal doctors? -No.

Oh, thank heavens.

For some reason they think I'm not totally sane.

[CLUCKING]

I know that's absurd, isn't it?

Still, they can't stop me gardening.

Cooking.

Isn't it, must be these lights.

So, what have you brought for us today from your royal kitchen?

Well, today I've brought a lovely bit of beef.

Oh, nice. And how are you planning to cook it?

Cook it?

I'm not gonna cook it, I'm going to plant it.

You're going to plant a piece of beef?

Yes, I can't think why nobody's thought of it before.

You simply get yourself a bit of soil,

dig a hole,

pop the beef in,

and in six months time you could have your very own beef tree.

Or more likely, a lot of dogs digging up your garden. [LAUGHS]

-Grubs up. -[GASPS]

DOCTOR: There he is.

It's the royal doctors.

Well...

How's the beef tree coming along?

Come here, sire.

[SIGHS]

It's a good job I brought a sandwich.

Grubs up.

[MAN READING]

Yo, my name is Elagabalus and I'm the Emperor of Rome

even though I'm only a teenager which is, well, wicked.

To make myself more popular with the people of Rome,

I've invented my own lottery,

Romolottery Millions.

Play my game and you could be well minted,

like I am but not as much as me.

So come to my Roman arena,

grab yourself a ticket and see what you've won.

I don't believe it, I've won a slave.

That's nothing, I've just won a new house. Yes!

BOTH: Brilliant!

Thing is, doing all this good stuff

can get really boring, [GROANS]

so I've decided to spice things up a bit

and now not all my prices are quite so nice.

Wait up, I've won something as well.

[SCREAMS]

It's a dead dog.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my practical jokes are, well, grimy.

A dead dog, that's so minging.

I wonder what I've won.

Oh, it's bees, it's bees, oh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, a box full of bees, he's well stung man.

Romolottery millions is pranktastic.

I've even made the ticket bit more exciting.

I fire them from catapults

and the crowd have to scramble to get them,

only sometimes I put some poisonous snakes in as well.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

Look at them.

Yeah, play my pranktastic Romolottery millions,

it's well random, dog.

WOMAN: Warning, being bitten to death by poisonous snakes

or being trampled to death may result in death.

Most death.

Not everyone liked Elagabalus' sense of humour,

and like many Emperors he ended up being murdered in Rome.

To avoid the same fate, Emperor Tiberius moved to the island of Capri,

but he still lived in fear of assassination.

Emperor Tiberius of Rome,

I have received word from the gate

that there is a man here to see you.

Emperor Tiberius?

Is he an assassin?

No.

You sure he's not going to try to kill me.

I mean, the only reason I came to the island of Capri

was to get away from all the assassins.

No, he's not here to kill you, he's here to welcome you.

He's got you a nice present and everything.

Okay, show him in.

Oh, great Emperor Tiberius,

I have brought you a gift.

It is this fish.

[SCREAMING]

Guards! Guards!

This man's going to try to kill me with this fish.

What, did he say fish?

He's just being paranoid again.

He's going to use the fish to cut open my guts,

and then he's going to cut off my head,

and then he's going to shove my guts down inside my neck,

and then he's going to use my head to play keepie uppie,

and then he's going to throw me into the sea.

Seize him!

Wait a minute, I wasn't... This is just a dead fish. It's a gift.

Take the fish and rub it on his face.

What?

Yes, Emperor.

-What is this? -Sorry about this, mate.

[GAGS]

See, the scales are taking his face off,

I told you it was a dangerous fish.

-Make him kiss it. -Yeah, kiss it.

-Good. -And hit him with it.

Seriously, I...

That teach you, won't it?

I'll tell you what.

It's a good job I didn't bring in the massive crab.

Don't say that.

What, bring me this massive crab.

I didn't mean it, it's just a joke, I was just...

Pinch his nose with it.

[GROANING]

Ooh, yeah.

How do you like them eggs?

That'll teach you to be a nasty assassin, won't it?

I should have just brought the flowers, really.

Mr Bad man.

Well done, guys.

That's true, paranoid Tiberius

really did rub that man's face with a fish

and he wasn't the only scaredy cat Emperor.

Oh, no, Domitian had the walls of his palace

polished like mirrors so he could always see people

sneaking up on him.

I'm no scaredy cat though,

I'm petrifidey of them.

[CAT MEOWS]

[WHIMPERING]

[MAN READING]

NARRATOR: The Saxon weather forecast with Edwin Grubby-Peasant.

Hello, and welcome to the Saxon Weather Forecast,

where we use the most reliable Saxon superstitions

to predict the weather.

Off the coast of Wales, dolphins have been spotted

leaping out of the water,

which of course means gale force winds are to follow.

Good news up in Scotland, however,

where we've seen some red sky at night,

so expect calm weather there.

That's assuming the red sky wasn't actually a monastery

on fire after a Viking raid.

Over in Kent, some splashes from oars have been spotted

glittering on a night voyage,

which of course can mean only one thing,

there's a storm brewing.

Now don't forget on Sunday there was a thunderstorm,

bad news for any monks or nuns watching

'cause that means some of you are going to die.

And on Wednesday, there's also going to be thunder,

which is unfortunate for lazy women

as it means they're going to die, too.

Well, that's about all we've got time for, so have a nice week,

unless you're a nun and you're lazy

in which case you're totally stuffed.

Good night.

We Saxons really believed all that.

What a superstitious bunch, eh?

We were terrified of ghosts

and we had some funny ideas about how to keep them at bay.

-Hello, darling. -Hello.

Well, we don't have to worry about ghosts any more.

I wasn't worried about ghosts.

[GASPS] What have you done?

Burnt all our crops, every last field.

Apparently, it's the new Saxon way to keep ghosts at bay,

so no more ghosts for us.

Yeah, and no more food.

Yeah, haven't really thought this through, have I?

[SCOFFS] Least when I die of starvation,

I won't be able to haunt anyone.

Oh, you won't die of starvation, my love,

because I'm going to kill you first.

-You idiot. -Oh, that hurt.

All right, all right, I'm sorry, I'll...

NARRATOR: Anglo Saxon famine solutions. Number one, eat a tree.

Yes, when crops failed,

Saxons filled out there flour with tree bark,

wild grass and even stinging nettles.

Ow, ow, ow.

Number two, eat the dead.

What's in the stew?

Um, it's a family recipe.

Where's Granny gone?

NARRATOR: Number three, for fewer mouths to feed,

sell any children under the age of seven.

-Sell him. -Sell her.

No, sell him.

Can you take them both?

Number four, jump off a cliff.

Are you serious?

NARRATOR: It is what 40 villagers did in Sussex.

It's a bit drastic, have you got any other suggestions?

NARRATOR: You're right, it's a terrible idea.

How about number five,

become the Lord of the Manor's slave so he has to feed you.

Oh, that sounds better.

Oh, Lord, I pledge to be your slave and will do anything you ask.

Brilliant, right, first job then.

Clean up my bunions

and we'll eat.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Actually I think I've lost my appetite.

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

[MAN READING]

Howdy, partner, American history is pretty horrible, too.

We had our fair share of fights and battles

and our fair share of [LAUGHS] stupid deaths.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny 'cause they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you #

We could have dinner, he won't mind.

Next! And you are...

My name is Clement Vallandingham, Your Honour,

I'm a criminal lawyer.

Well, come on then, entertain us with your death,

the stupider, the better.

Well, sir, I was an expert in criminal law

and one day I was defending a man

who was accused of shooting someone dead.

Hmm, hmm, yes, very interesting, not.

I wanted to prove that the dead man had in fact

accidentally shot himself.

Now, I was demonstrating this to my legal team,

and I drew out my pistol,

fell to my knees.

Your Honour, I did not realise my pistol was loaded.

Go on.

[CHUCKLES]

Sir, please don't make me say this.

Oh, we're all ears now.

I accidentally shot myself, okay?

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, that's not funny, it's very serious.

It is! It is funny.

Nincompoop, it's...

I shall just consult with the judges on that.

[LAUGHS] I know, I know.

Oh, come on, Louis, get a sense of humour.

That's two yes's, you're through to the afterlife, well done.

Thank you very much, Your Honour, ma'am.

Off you shoot.

Off you shoot.

Did you hear, I know I'm wicked, I really am.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you #

Clement Vallandingham's accident there

did prove his client to be innocent,

and Clement to be very, very stupid.

It was a pretty tragic thing to happen,

but not half as tragic as this.

[NARRATOR READING]

During one battle of the American Civil war,

the Yankee soldiers were having a real problem

getting past the rebel Confederate troops.

But then one General had a brilliant idea.

Why not go under them?

The Yankees had hundreds of coal miners fighting for them,

so they just dug a tunnel, right under the rebels.

They packed it full of gun powder,

lit the fuse and blew up their enemy.

The plan had worked perfectly.

The Yankee troops rushed forward to capture the bomb crater,

but there was one small problem.

They couldn't get out again.

The Confederate survivors shot them all like fish in a barrel.

The enemy lost 1,500 men,

but the Yankees lost twice as many.

[MAN READING]

One of the most famous and frightening pirates of all time

was known as Blackbeard,

and, oh, no, here he comes now.

# When I was a nipper, I boarded a clipper

# Sailed the seas as a goods importer

# Oh, Edward Teach is my name

# But I earned my fame as Blackbeard The pirate of the water

# Oh, what a jolly chap With a jaunty cap

# Always gave my crew good quarter

# But I'm best known for Blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter

# Best known for Blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter

# Left my home in Bristol With a sword and pistol

# Bid a fond farewell to old blighty

# What my enemies feared was my thick black beard

# Which I always enjoyed setting light to

# Once I had a thing For a captives lovely ring

# That shone like a jewel in the nightie

# When the man said no I just said oh

# And chopped off his hand and said righteo

# Man said no He said oh

# Chopped off his hand and said righteo

# Oh, I love to sail the ocean With my flag that inspired emotion

# With its smiling pile of skull and bones

# Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion

# And I love to escape detection

# And to win my crews affection

# Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore

# On his belt that were for protection

# I was awfully nice But I had the old vice

# Which occasionally caused a commotion

# The thing that I do was shoot members of my crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew

# If they didn't show enough devotion

# Once when very irate I shot my first mate

# Israelham's for a bit of pleasure

# And when my debts grew Killed half of my crew

# To increase my share of the treasure

# Was doing well then Seem to run out of men

# My captures boarded at their leisure

# Smoke me dead Then cut off my head

# And displayed it on my mast for good measure

# Smoked him dead Chopped off his head

# Displayed it on the mast for good measure, oh #

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is C.

Legend has it his headless body

swam three times around the ship.

[MAN READING]

MAN: Do you suffer from headaches?

[GROANING]

Do you suffer from headaches?

Tense nervous headaches, pain behind

the eyes that you just can't shift,

then you need Trepanadol.

Trepanadol is our unique trepanning starter pack.

It's got everything you need.

A sharp stone,

and a blunt stone.

Now concentrate, here comes the sciencey bit.

At the first sign of a headache

get a totally unqualified colleague

to knock a small hole into your skull

using the sharp stone as a chisel

and the blunt stone as a hammer.

[GRUNTING]

By knocking a hole in your skull,

you'll let out the devils inside your head

and it'll be bye, bye headache.

[GRUNTING]

Warning, trepanning is quite likely to result in death.

Headache gone now.

[LAUGHS]

Warning, do not try trepanning at home.

There is evidence that lots of Stone Age people survived it, yeah,

believe it or not, but that doesn't mean you should give it a go, yeah,

otherwise you might need a Stone Age burial.

Hello, and welcome once again to Stoneage Family Fortunes.

Let's meet the teams.

Joining us all the way from Stone Age Britain, it's the Ugg family.

And playing against them this evening, from Stone Age Chile,

it's the Ugio family.

You're very welcome. Hello, there. So, are they... Are they okay?

Who, Granny and Gramps?

Oh, no, they're having a great time, you know.

We are from the world famous Chinchero tribe,

we like to mummify our loved ones and then bring them out

on special occasions, that's how we roll, homes.

Well, very best of luck tonight.

Oh, no, that's happened.

Captains, will you now please join me at the plinth of dreams.

We asked a hundred Stone Age people to name something

you might bury with a member of the family.

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

-Ugio. -Can I confer?

Of course.

What do you think? Don't look at me like that, Grampy,

you're freaking me out. You think? Okay.

No, Des, we would not bury them

'cause we find that disrespectful,

so we would cut off their arms, their head, their legs,

we would rip out their insides, stuff them with mud,

put them back together and paint them,

and that way they will know how much we love them.

Unfortunately, that's not the answer I have on the card here,

bearing in mind, Ugio, we did ask 100 European Stone Age people.

So, Ugg, something you might bury with a member of the family.

Flowers.

You said flowers,

our survey said flowers

is the right answer. Please, rejoin your families.

-Weapon? -Weapons.

Correct.

Food.

That's right.

Dog.

Pets, I'll accept dog.

Um, anything that might make them

more comfortable in the afterlife.

Oh, and we'd tie their arms and legs together,

so they can't jump out the grave.

Is the correct answer.

Tie them up, where's your respect, Uggs?

If you really love them, you would cut off their arms and legs

and you would skin them.

Are you saying I don't love my family?

What if I am, sunbeam?

What do you mean, you don't know my family.

-You want to dance, fool? -You Charlie big potatoes.

-Potatoes. -You silly little man, little man.

Okay, okay, let's see what Ugg has won.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, throw away your old stone tools,

the Bronze Age is here and it's metal.

You'll be the talk of the tribe

with your very own bronze weapon.

No, not the face.

[GROANS]

What, um... You've killed Ugio.

Yeah, um, maybe we should cut off his arms and legs,

scrape out his innards, fill him

with mud and put him back together.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Say goodbye, everybody. [CHUCKLES]

That's great, say goodbye.

Come on, say goodbye, that's it. Oh, it's happened again.

It doesn't really matter.

[MAN READING]

# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery

# The truths not always in the books you read

# Facts can get distorted or even misreported

# Imagine if that was all down to me

# Cliff Whitelie #

-It's Whiteley. -Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, well, the newspaper got it wrong, mate.

Albert Einstein was a famous scientist,

Frankenstein was the one with the monster, so print an apology.

Wallop.

Cliff, I've got Florence Nightingale and...

Sorry, what was your name again?

Mary Seacole.

Mary Seacole to see you.

Thank you, Sue, show 'em in please.

[BOTH MUTTERING]

Ladies, Cliff Whiteley telling it how it wasn't, take a pew.

Right, what seems to be the problem?

The problem is, all the history books about the Crimean war

only seem to mention one nurse.

Florence Nightingale.

Florence Nightingale.

Well, I should hope so, too, we did a great deal of work here

ensuring old Flo went down in history, what a catchphrase.

The lady with the lamp.

Wallop.

You forgot about me.

No offence, love, but I never heard of you.

Four times me tried to join old lamp face as a nurse

in the Crimean war and four times she said no.

The nursing corp was for British girls, you're from Jamaica.

Me father was from Scotland.

I still ain't never heard of you.

Well, you should have!

When she turned me down that never stopped me.

Me sold up me home in Jamaica

and paid for me own ticket to the Crimea,

and when me get there, me built

me own hostel with me own money,

to provide care for the injured British soldiers.

-Wow. -Yes, yes,

but it was my military hospitals

that dealt with all the really nasty injuries.

Not just you,

I'd actually go out and treated

the injuries on the battle field.

Well, I did pioneering work in cleanliness and hygiene.

I worked in Cholera and tropical medicine.

Well, I invented the pie chart.

You did really invent the pie chart.

Yes, I did.

Did not know that.

All right, ladies, chill out.

Asseyez-vous. Now, Mary, how come she's famous

and I ain't never heard of you?

When the war ended,

one of us was still rich and influential

and could go on to do great work

whilst the other was just a poor, penniless black woman.

Do you know something, that is terrible. After everything you did.

Let's see if we can't get you a bit of publicity.

What?

Shut it, lampy knickers.

Now, we'll get you a statue, obviously.

Yeah, maybe get a University wing named after you.

Oh, how would you feel about being featured

in a historical sketch show for the BBC?

It any good?

It ain't bad.

Wallop.

Yes, a statue of Mary Seacole in Central London,

hopefully means more people will now know who she is.

Top work, Cliff.

Now where's my statue, eh? Eh?

Of course, when you learnt about people in Victorian schools,

you learnt the proper Victorian way,

by repetition.

Queen Victoria was born in 1819.

ALL: Queen Victoria was born in 1819.

Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.

ALL: Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837.

Leatherby, we do not drink ink.

ALL: Leatherby, we do not drink ink.

No, no, children, that was just for Leatherby.

ALL: No, no, children, that was just for Leatherby.

Children, you do not have to repeat everything that I say.

ALL: Children, you do not have to repeat everything that I say.

-Stop it! -ALL: Stop it!

-Stop it! -ALL: Stop it!

I smell of wee.

ALL: You smell of wee.

Ha, ha, that wasn't exact repetition.

ALL: Ha, ha, that wasn't exact repetition.

Argh!

ALL: Argh!

The Headmaster's coming, now behave,

or the silly old goat will have me dragged off to his office.

Is everything all right, Mr Hanrahan?

ALL: The Headmaster's coming, so please behave,

or the silly old goat will have me dragged off to the office.

Mr Hanrahan, a word in my office, please.

[WHISPERS] Thanks a bunch.

ALL: You're welcome.

# Tall tales, tragic acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #