All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E06 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]

# Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars,
Ferocious Fights
Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that
defy description

Cut-throat Celts,
Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime
Punishments from ancient times

# Roman,
Rotten, Rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage,
fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks,
Reigning stages
Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory Stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Welcome to
Horrible Histories #

[MAN READING]

Our King George
III was a bit loopy,

but not nearly as loopy
as the doctors who
tried to treat him.

The royal doctor,
Your Majesty.

Doctor? I don't need a doctor.

I was just telling
the Prussian
Ambassador here...

That is a pot plant,
Your Majesty.

Oh, yes, so it is.

[SCOFFS] Well, as I was
just telling
this pot plant here

I feel as fit as
a pig in Sweden.

[SNORTS]

Seize the patient.

What are you doing?
Unhand me, you knaves.

I'm afraid his
majesty is quite mad.

Mad, I'm absolutely furious.

Please, his majesty must see
that he's not well.

Huh, I suppose I have been
a bit off colour.

As has his wee wee,
bright purple.

Yes, thank you.

I think we'll leave
the diagnosis and treatment

to those of us trained
in the medical profession.

Only science can
provide the solution,
science and mustard.

Mustard, what a good idea.

I'm a sausage,
sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

Yes,
that's clearly not working.

We'll try
another Georgian cure.

Oh, splendid, what's that?

I'm not going to
blind you with science,

just assault you
with this red hot poker.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

It's quite simple really,

we just wait for
a blister to appear
and then pop.

Is this really
supposed to cure him?

Yes, that and shouting at him.

Stop being mad, get better.

We Georgian doctors
have made great strides

in the treatment
of this affliction.
Get better!

Shouldn't you be giving him
some sort of medicine?

Oh, I already have, he's on
a spoonful of Arsenic,
twice a day.

Arsenic?

Yes, mixed in with
some other stuff.

But Arsenic is
highly poisonous,

you're going to
make him worse.

Worse!

Are you trying to tell me

that I,
the King's own physician,

am making the King worse,
are you insane?

Insane...

Because if you are insane,

I shall have to
treat you, too.

Why don't I
help you treat him?

Yes, um, you...

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Stop being mad!

Get better!

Grow up!

Don't act weird all the time.

Just stop it.

You know, George III
really did have purple wee,

it was probably caused by
one of his doctor's cures.

I bet you could win
Britain's got
Talentwith that.

Tonight, Simon, I'm gonna
fill this bucket
with purple wee.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, poor old George III,

he really was
one sandwich
short of a picnic.

Lay the table,
it's Ready Steady Feast,

and joining us in
the kitchen this week

is his majesty,
King George III.

Oh.

-Have you seen
the royal doctors?
-No.

Oh, thank heavens.

For some reason they think
I'm not totally sane.

[CLUCKING]

I know that's absurd,
isn't it?

Still,
they can't stop me gardening.

Cooking.

Isn't it,
must be these lights.

So, what have you
brought for us today
from your royal kitchen?

Well, today I've brought
a lovely bit of beef.

Oh, nice. And how are you
planning to cook it?

Cook it?

I'm not gonna cook it,
I'm going to plant it.

You're going to
plant a piece of beef?

Yes, I can't think why
nobody's thought of it before.

You simply get
yourself a bit of soil,

dig a hole,

pop the beef in,

and in six months time
you could have your
very own beef tree.

Or more likely, a lot of dogs
digging up your garden.
[LAUGHS]

-Grubs up.
-[GASPS]

DOCTOR: There he is.

It's the royal doctors.

Well...

How's the beef
tree coming along?

Come here, sire.

[SIGHS]

It's a good job I
brought a sandwich.

Grubs up.

[MAN READING]

Yo, my name is Elagabalus
and I'm the Emperor of Rome

even though I'm
only a teenager
which is, well, wicked.

To make myself more popular
with the people of Rome,

I've invented my own lottery,

Romolottery Millions.

Play my game
and you could be well minted,

like I am but
not as much as me.

So come to my Roman arena,

grab yourself a ticket
and see what you've won.

I don't believe it,
I've won a slave.

That's nothing,
I've just won a new house.
Yes!

BOTH: Brilliant!

Thing is,
doing all this good stuff

can get really boring,
[GROANS]

so I've decided to
spice things up a bit

and now not all my prices
are quite so nice.

Wait up,
I've won something as well.

[SCREAMS]

It's a dead dog.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my practical
jokes are, well, grimy.

A dead dog, that's so minging.

I wonder what I've won.

Oh, it's bees, it's bees, oh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, a box full of bees,
he's well stung man.

Romolottery
millions is pranktastic.

I've even made the ticket bit
more exciting.

I fire them from catapults

and the crowd
have to scramble to get them,

only sometimes I put some
poisonous snakes in as well.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

Look at them.

Yeah, play my pranktastic
Romolottery millions,

it's well random, dog.

WOMAN: Warning,
being bitten to death
by poisonous snakes

or being trampled to death
may result in death.

Most death.

Not everyone liked
Elagabalus' sense of humour,

and like many Emperors
he ended up being
murdered in Rome.

To avoid the same fate,
Emperor Tiberius
moved to the island of Capri,

but he still lived in fear
of assassination.

Emperor Tiberius of Rome,

I have received
word from the gate

that there is
a man here to see you.

Emperor Tiberius?

Is he an assassin?

No.

You sure he's not going to
try to kill me.

I mean, the only reason
I came to the island of Capri

was to get away
from all the assassins.

No, he's not here to kill you,
he's here to welcome you.

He's got you a nice present
and everything.

Okay, show him in.

Oh, great Emperor Tiberius,

I have brought you a gift.

It is this fish.

[SCREAMING]

Guards! Guards!

This man's going
to try to kill me
with this fish.

What, did he say fish?

He's just being
paranoid again.

He's going to use the fish
to cut open my guts,

and then he's going
to cut off my head,

and then he's
going to shove my guts
down inside my neck,

and then he's
going to use my head
to play keepie uppie,

and then he's
going to throw me
into the sea.

Seize him!

Wait a minute, I wasn't...
This is just a dead fish.
It's a gift.

Take the fish and
rub it on his face.

What?

Yes, Emperor.

-What is this?
-Sorry about this, mate.

[GAGS]

See, the scales are
taking his face off,

I told you it was
a dangerous fish.

-Make him kiss it.
-Yeah, kiss it.

-Good.
-And hit him with it.

Seriously, I...

That teach you, won't it?

I'll tell you what.

It's a good job
I didn't bring in
the massive crab.

Don't say that.

What,
bring me this massive crab.

I didn't mean it,
it's just a joke,
I was just...

Pinch his nose with it.

[GROANING]

Ooh, yeah.

How do you like them eggs?

That'll teach you to be
a nasty assassin, won't it?

I should have just brought
the flowers, really.

Mr Bad man.

Well done, guys.

That's true, paranoid Tiberius

really did rub that man's face
with a fish

and he wasn't the only
scaredy cat Emperor.

Oh, no, Domitian had the walls
of his palace

polished like mirrors
so he could always see people

sneaking up on him.

I'm no scaredy cat though,

I'm petrifidey of them.

[CAT MEOWS]

[WHIMPERING]

[MAN READING]

NARRATOR:
The Saxon weather forecast
with Edwin Grubby-Peasant.

Hello, and welcome to
the Saxon Weather Forecast,

where we use the most
reliable Saxon superstitions

to predict the weather.

Off the coast of Wales,
dolphins have been spotted

leaping out of the water,

which of course
means gale force winds
are to follow.

Good news up in Scotland,
however,

where we've seen
some red sky at night,

so expect calm weather there.

That's assuming the red sky
wasn't actually a monastery

on fire after a Viking raid.

Over in Kent, some splashes
from oars have been spotted

glittering on a night voyage,

which of course can
mean only one thing,

there's a storm brewing.

Now don't forget on Sunday
there was a thunderstorm,

bad news for any
monks or nuns watching

'cause that means
some of you are going to die.

And on Wednesday,
there's also
going to be thunder,

which is
unfortunate for lazy women

as it means they're
going to die, too.

Well,
that's about all we've got
time for, so have a nice week,

unless you're
a nun and you're lazy

in which case
you're totally stuffed.

Good night.

We Saxons really
believed all that.

What
a superstitious bunch, eh?

We were terrified of ghosts

and we had some funny ideas
about how to keep them at bay.

-Hello, darling.
-Hello.

Well, we don't have to worry
about ghosts any more.

I wasn't worried about ghosts.

[GASPS] What have you done?

Burnt all our crops,
every last field.

Apparently,
it's the new Saxon way
to keep ghosts at bay,

so no more ghosts for us.

Yeah, and no more food.

Yeah, haven't really thought
this through, have I?

[SCOFFS] Least when
I die of starvation,

I won't be able
to haunt anyone.

Oh,
you won't die of starvation,
my love,

because I'm going
to kill you first.

-You idiot.
-Oh, that hurt.

All right,
all right, I'm sorry, I'll...

NARRATOR:
Anglo Saxon famine solutions.
Number one, eat a tree.

Yes, when crops failed,

Saxons filled out there flour
with tree bark,

wild grass and
even stinging nettles.

Ow, ow, ow.

Number two, eat the dead.

What's in the stew?

Um, it's a family recipe.

Where's Granny gone?

NARRATOR: Number three,
for fewer mouths to feed,

sell any children
under the age of seven.

-Sell him.
-Sell her.

No, sell him.

Can you take them both?

Number four, jump off a cliff.

Are you serious?

NARRATOR:
It is what 40 villagers did
in Sussex.

It's a bit drastic,
have you got any
other suggestions?

NARRATOR: You're right,
it's a terrible idea.

How about number five,

become the Lord of
the Manor's slave
so he has to feed you.

Oh, that sounds better.

Oh, Lord,
I pledge to be your slave
and will do anything you ask.

Brilliant,
right, first job then.

Clean up my bunions

and we'll eat.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Actually I think
I've lost my appetite.

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

[MAN READING]

Howdy,
partner, American history
is pretty horrible, too.

We had our fair share
of fights and battles

and our fair share of [LAUGHS]
stupid deaths.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
They're funny
'cause they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
Hope next time it's not you #

We could have dinner,
he won't mind.

Next! And you are...

My name is
Clement Vallandingham,
Your Honour,

I'm a criminal lawyer.

Well, come on then,
entertain us with your death,

the stupider, the better.

Well, sir, I was an expert
in criminal law

and one day I
was defending a man

who was accused of
shooting someone dead.

Hmm, hmm,
yes, very interesting, not.

I wanted to prove
that the dead man
had in fact

accidentally shot himself.

Now, I was demonstrating this
to my legal team,

and I drew out my pistol,

fell to my knees.

Your Honour, I did not realise
my pistol was loaded.

Go on.

[CHUCKLES]

Sir, please don't
make me say this.

Oh, we're all ears now.

I accidentally
shot myself, okay?

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, sorry,
sorry, that's not funny,
it's very serious.

It is! It is funny.

Nincompoop, it's...

I shall just consult
with the judges on that.

[LAUGHS] I know, I know.

Oh, come on, Louis,
get a sense of humour.

That's two yes's,
you're through
to the afterlife, well done.

Thank you very much,
Your Honour, ma'am.

Off you shoot.

Off you shoot.

Did you hear,
I know I'm wicked,
I really am.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
Hope next time it's not you #

Clement
Vallandingham's accident there

did prove his
client to be innocent,

and Clement to be very,
very stupid.

It was a pretty
tragic thing to happen,

but not half as
tragic as this.

[NARRATOR READING]

During one battle
of the American Civil war,

the Yankee soldiers
were having a real problem

getting past the rebel
Confederate troops.

But then one General
had a brilliant idea.

Why not go under them?

The Yankees had hundreds of
coal miners fighting for them,

so they just dug a tunnel,
right under the rebels.

They packed it
full of gun powder,

lit the fuse and
blew up their enemy.

The plan had worked perfectly.

The Yankee
troops rushed forward
to capture the bomb crater,

but there was
one small problem.

They couldn't get out again.

The Confederate
survivors shot them all
like fish in a barrel.

The enemy lost 1,500 men,

but the Yankees
lost twice as many.

[MAN READING]

One of the most famous
and frightening
pirates of all time

was known as Blackbeard,

and,
oh, no, here he comes now.

# When I was a nipper,
I boarded a clipper

# Sailed the seas
as a goods importer

# Oh, Edward Teach is my name

# But I earned my
fame as Blackbeard
The pirate of the water

# Oh, what a jolly chap
With a jaunty cap

# Always gave my
crew good quarter

# But I'm best known for
Blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of
murdering and slaughter

# Best known for
Blood and guts and gore

# And a vicious reign of
murdering and slaughter

# Left my home in Bristol
With a sword and pistol

# Bid a fond
farewell to old blighty

# What my enemies feared
was my thick black beard

# Which I always enjoyed
setting light to

# Once I had a thing
For a captives lovely ring

# That shone like
a jewel in the nightie

# When the man said no
I just said oh

# And chopped off his hand
and said righteo

# Man said no
He said oh

# Chopped off his
hand and said righteo

# Oh, I love to sail the ocean
With my flag that
inspired emotion

# With its smiling pile
of skull and bones

# Smashing hearts
with a violent stabbing motion

# And I love to
escape detection

# And to win my
crews affection

# Which was nothing to do
with the 12 guns he wore

# On his belt that
were for protection

# I was awfully nice
But I had the old vice

# Which occasionally
caused a commotion

# The thing that I do
was shoot members of my crew

# If they didn't
show enough devotion

# The thing he'd do
was shoot members of the crew

# If they didn't
show enough devotion

# Once when very irate
I shot my first mate

# Israelham's for
a bit of pleasure

# And when my debts grew
Killed half of my crew

# To increase my
share of the treasure

# Was doing well then
Seem to run out of men

# My captures
boarded at their leisure

# Smoke me dead
Then cut off my head

# And displayed it on my mast
for good measure

# Smoked him dead
Chopped off his head

# Displayed it on the mast
for good measure, oh #

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is C.

Legend has it
his headless body

swam three times
around the ship.

[MAN READING]

MAN:
Do you suffer from headaches?

[GROANING]

Do you suffer from headaches?

Tense nervous headaches,
pain behind

the eyes that you
just can't shift,

then you need Trepanadol.

Trepanadol is our unique
trepanning starter pack.

It's got everything you need.

A sharp stone,

and a blunt stone.

Now concentrate,
here comes the sciencey bit.

At the first
sign of a headache

get a totally
unqualified colleague

to knock a small
hole into your skull

using the sharp
stone as a chisel

and the blunt
stone as a hammer.

[GRUNTING]

By knocking
a hole in your skull,

you'll let out the devils
inside your head

and it'll be bye,
bye headache.

[GRUNTING]

Warning,
trepanning is quite likely
to result in death.

Headache gone now.

[LAUGHS]

Warning, do not try
trepanning at home.

There is evidence that lots of
Stone Age people
survived it, yeah,

believe it or not,
but that doesn't mean
you should give it a go, yeah,

otherwise you might need
a Stone Age burial.

Hello, and welcome once again
to Stoneage Family Fortunes.

Let's meet the teams.

Joining us all the way from
Stone Age Britain,
it's the Ugg family.

And playing against
them this evening,
from Stone Age Chile,

it's the Ugio family.

You're very welcome.
Hello, there.
So, are they... Are they okay?

Who, Granny and Gramps?

Oh, no,
they're having a great time,
you know.

We are from the world famous
Chinchero tribe,

we like to
mummify our loved ones
and then bring them out

on special occasions,
that's how we roll, homes.

Well,
very best of luck tonight.

Oh, no, that's happened.

Captains,
will you now please join me
at the plinth of dreams.

We asked a hundred Stone Age
people to name something

you might bury
with a member of the family.

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

-Ugio.
-Can I confer?

Of course.

What do you think?
Don't look at me
like that, Grampy,

you're freaking me out.
You think? Okay.

No,
Des, we would not bury them

'cause we find
that disrespectful,

so we would cut
off their arms,
their head, their legs,

we would rip
out their insides,
stuff them with mud,

put them back
together and paint them,

and that way they will know
how much we love them.

Unfortunately,
that's not the answer
I have on the card here,

bearing in mind,
Ugio, we did ask
100 European Stone Age people.

So,
Ugg, something you might bury
with a member of the family.

Flowers.

You said flowers,

our survey said flowers

is the right answer.
Please, rejoin your families.

-Weapon?
-Weapons.

Correct.

Food.

That's right.

Dog.

Pets, I'll accept dog.

Um,
anything that might make them

more comfortable
in the afterlife.

Oh, and we'd tie their arms
and legs together,

so they can't
jump out the grave.

Is the correct answer.

Tie them up,
where's your respect, Uggs?

If you really love them,
you would cut off
their arms and legs

and you would skin them.

Are you saying I
don't love my family?

What if I am, sunbeam?

What do you mean,
you don't know my family.

-You want to dance, fool?
-You Charlie big potatoes.

-Potatoes.
-You silly little man,
little man.

Okay, okay,
let's see what Ugg has won.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, throw away
your old stone tools,

the Bronze Age is
here and it's metal.

You'll be
the talk of the tribe

with your very
own bronze weapon.

No, not the face.

[GROANS]

What, um...
You've killed Ugio.

Yeah, um, maybe we should
cut off his arms and legs,

scrape out his innards,
fill him

with mud and put
him back together.

Well, it's what he
would have wanted.

Say goodbye, everybody.
[CHUCKLES]

That's great, say goodbye.

Come on,
say goodbye, that's it.
Oh, it's happened again.

It doesn't really matter.

[MAN READING]

# Lots of things in history
are actually a mystery

# The truths not always
in the books you read

# Facts can get distorted
or even misreported

# Imagine if that
was all down to me

# Cliff Whitelie #

-It's Whiteley.
-Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, well,
the newspaper
got it wrong, mate.

Albert Einstein was
a famous scientist,

Frankenstein was the one with
the monster,
so print an apology.

Wallop.

Cliff,
I've got Florence Nightingale
and...

Sorry,
what was your name again?

Mary Seacole.

Mary Seacole to see you.

Thank you,
Sue, show 'em in please.

[BOTH MUTTERING]

Ladies,
Cliff Whiteley telling it
how it wasn't, take a pew.

Right,
what seems to be the problem?

The problem is,
all the history books
about the Crimean war

only seem to
mention one nurse.

Florence Nightingale.

Florence Nightingale.

Well, I should hope so, too,
we did a great
deal of work here

ensuring old Flo
went down in history,
what a catchphrase.

The lady with the lamp.

Wallop.

You forgot about me.

No offence, love,
but I never heard of you.

Four times me tried to join
old lamp face as a nurse

in the Crimean war
and four times she said no.

The nursing corp
was for British girls,
you're from Jamaica.

Me father was from Scotland.

I still ain't
never heard of you.

Well, you should have!

When she turned me down
that never stopped me.

Me sold up me home in Jamaica

and paid for me own ticket
to the Crimea,

and when me get there,
me built

me own hostel
with me own money,

to provide care
for the injured
British soldiers.

-Wow.
-Yes, yes,

but it was my
military hospitals

that dealt with all
the really nasty injuries.

Not just you,

I'd actually go
out and treated

the injuries on
the battle field.

Well, I did pioneering work
in cleanliness and hygiene.

I worked in Cholera
and tropical medicine.

Well,
I invented the pie chart.

You did really
invent the pie chart.

Yes, I did.

Did not know that.

All right, ladies, chill out.

Asseyez-vous.
Now,
Mary, how come she's famous

and I ain't
never heard of you?

When the war ended,

one of us was still
rich and influential

and could go on
to do great work

whilst the other was just
a poor, penniless black woman.

Do you know something,
that is terrible.
After everything you did.

Let's see if we can't get you
a bit of publicity.

What?

Shut it, lampy knickers.

Now, we'll get you a statue,
obviously.

Yeah,
maybe get a University wing
named after you.

Oh, how would you feel
about being featured

in a historical
sketch show for the BBC?

It any good?

It ain't bad.

Wallop.

Yes, a statue of Mary Seacole
in Central London,

hopefully means more people
will now know who she is.

Top work, Cliff.

Now where's my statue, eh? Eh?

Of course, when you learnt
about people in
Victorian schools,

you learnt
the proper Victorian way,

by repetition.

Queen Victoria
was born in 1819.

ALL: Queen
Victoria was born in 1819.

Queen Victoria
became Queen in 1837.

ALL:
Queen Victoria became Queen
in 1837.

Leatherby,
we do not drink ink.

ALL: Leatherby,
we do not drink ink.

No, no, children,
that was just for Leatherby.

ALL: No, no, children,
that was just for Leatherby.

Children,
you do not have to repeat
everything that I say.

ALL: Children,
you do not have to repeat
everything that I say.

-Stop it!
-ALL: Stop it!

-Stop it!
-ALL: Stop it!

I smell of wee.

ALL: You smell of wee.

Ha, ha,
that wasn't exact repetition.

ALL: Ha, ha,
that wasn't exact repetition.

Argh!

ALL: Argh!

The Headmaster's coming,
now behave,

or the silly old
goat will have me
dragged off to his office.

Is everything all right,
Mr Hanrahan?

ALL: The Headmaster's coming,
so please behave,

or the silly old
goat will have me
dragged off to the office.

Mr Hanrahan,
a word in my office, please.

[WHISPERS] Thanks a bunch.

ALL: You're welcome.

# Tall tales, tragic acts
We gave you all
the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth,
no glam or glitz

We showed you
all the juicy bits

# Gory,
ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't
teach you at school

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories #