Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description

Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory Stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[MAN READING]

NARRATOR: Pirates terrorised the world's seas stealing treasure,

but it wasn't always the obvious stuff that was precious.

All right, lads, time to open the treasure chest.

Argh!

This is brilliant!

First attack on enemy ship and first bit of treasure,

don't know about you guys, I love being a pirate. Whoo!

ALL: Argh!

Let's take a look see at this 'ere treasure.

Um, bit of a new boy question,

shouldn't there be treasure in there?

This piece of paper is the treasure, my lad,

'tis a map showing all the trade routes.

Using this map we lies in wait

for ships laden with silks from the

Far East or sugar from the Caribbean,

and then we ambushes them, kills them

and steals their precious cargo.

ALL: Argh.

So, uh, the map is the treasure?

Argh, priceless it be.

And I am right in saying that us pirates,

we divide all the treasure up equally? Yeah?

Yes, that's a pirate rule, yeah.

Then I want my share.

[ALL CLAMOURING]

Oh, that is low, that is low even for a pirate.

-Man over board. -Who?

Me. I've absolutely had it.

He is under a lot of pressure.

That's right. Maps were very valuable.

In fact, we pirates stole all sorts of surprising stuff.

Welcome to the Pirate Shopping Channel.

I'm Black Bart and this here be Cutlass Liz.

Today we'll be selling all of the booty

that we stole on the high seas,

starting with some fine clothes.

All of our prices have been slashed.

And so have many of the clothes.

Well, we did have to kill the owners first.

That's right. And we liked some of their fine clothes so much

that we're actually wearing them now.

Bootiful, aren't they?

Oh, I think your parrot may have pooped on your shoulder.

Have I got it all?

Uh, near enough.

And it's not just bootiful clothes,

if it's jewellery you're after,

we've got some wonderful rings.

Yes, we do, Bart.

Together with the fingers they came on.

Obviously, we pirates are always in a bit of a hurry,

so if the ring won't come off the finger easy,

we just chopped off the finger.

And if they've got lots of rings,

best just chop off the whole hand.

Sorry, what was that?

I didn't 'ear you.

[LAUGHING]

Nice one, Liz.

Yes, we've got earrings, too.

We've actually got something even more precious.

We've got some sugar.

Sugar?

Freshly stolen from an English cargo ship in the Caribbean.

Wow. That really is precious.

What have you got there, Liz?

Oh, this be a five barrel pistol.

Oh, and with that many barrels,

you really have to hit something.

How much does that retail for, Liz?

Oh, no, this isn't for sale.

Hands up! All of them.

I thought we were partners.

Well, what do you expect, I'm still a pirate.

Now, give me that sugar!

And the rings and the earrings.

Take them. Do you want my jacket, too?

Nah, you can keep the jacket. It's covered in poo.

You won't be wanting the trousers either, then.

It's true! In the 1700s, sugar was worth more than gold.

I'm rich I tell you, I'm rich!

[LAUGHS]

[MAN READING]

We, Incas, ruled Peru for centuries until the 1500s,

and we certainly had some unusual customs.

WOMAN: New from ancient Peru, it's the brand new album,

Live Like an Inca, from The Incan Family Players.

Featuring the chartbuster, Someone's sacrificed my llama!

# Someone's sacrificed my llama

# Someone's cut it in two

# Someone's sacrificed my llama

# Hey, that's what Incas do #

WOMAN: And the unforgettable, My beer is made from human spit.

# My beer is made from human spit

# Would you like to try a bit?

# Guaranteed to revive ya

# Cheers! Make mine a pint of saliva #

WOMAN: And their number one smash

The priest just ripped out my heart.

# Oh, the priest just ripped out my heart

# And threw it down the pyramid steps #

WOMAN: With Mum on vocals,

Dad on flute,

and Little Capach on drums.

Also featuring Grandpa as the flute.

Yes, it's made out of his shinbone.

And Grandma as the drums.

That's right, they're made from her skin.

[READING]

No, that's true. The Incas really did use

human bones for flutes and human skin for drums.

Huh, imagine being turned into a musical instrument.

Actually, I already am one, after a plate of baked beans.

[CHUCKLES]

[FARTS] Perfect pitch.

Yes, Inca families had some pretty unusual customs.

Oh, happy birthday.

Thanks, Mum.

Ah, you're a teenager now, so we've got you a special present.

Tada!

My own llama, wow, thanks.

And we also got you this.

A club, for fighting enemies?

Oh, no, for killing the llama.

But I only just got it.

Well, all boys your age have to do it.

If you want to grow up into a man

then you're going to have to kill a llama first.

Okay.

But then I'll roast the llama for you.

Well, I guess that's something,

a nice slap up birthday supper.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't get to eat the llama,

you have to offer that to the sun god.

Great, so first I have to kill my present,

and then give it to someone else.

I can't believe I was actually looking forward to this day.

Oh, well, let's put you in your brand new clothes.

New clothes, sweet.

It's a massive nappy.

-What? -Put it on.

And I'll come round here and pierce your ears for you.

Ow! Stop it.

Come on, all Inca boys need their ears pierced.

There you are, you're a proper Inca man now, son.

Well, happy birthday.

Do you know, sometimes I worry we spoil him too much.

Mmm, I don't know what we're going to get him next year.

[MAN READING]

The Egyptian Pharaohs were mummified like me,

and buried with lots and lots of treasure.

So much treasure that many centuries later

archaeologists flocked to Egypt to try and find their tombs.

MAN: New to based on reality computer games, comes

The Real Tomb Raider!

Yes, discover Egyptian tombs as they were really discovered.

COMPUTER: Select your real tomb raider.

Not real, select again.

Not real, select again.

You have selected Lord George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert,

the fifth Earl of Caernarvon,

a genuine archaeologist.

MAN: Real Tomb Raider features all the tools that where really used.

COMPUTER: Select tool.

Not real, select again.

Not real, select again.

You have selected a small brush.

MAN: Okay, real tomb raiders, we're off.

Using all your skills, guide your adventurer

to scrape through sand and, oh,

brush the dust off some disappointing bits of old pottery.

Or perhaps you'll discover a whole new tomb.

Although it might take a while.

About 20 years, probably.

With no zombies, no mummies, coming back alive.

In fact, no monsters at all.

The Real Tomb Raider,

not much fun, but it's what it was really like.

[NARRATOR READING]

It's false.

[READING]

Horrible, but not as horrible as the curse said to be put on his tomb.

Greetings, fear fans.

I am Vincenzo Laughoff.

This week's scary story

is the curse of Tutankhamun.

It was 1922, a particularly ghoulish year,

when an archaeologist named Howard Carter

discovered the tomb of Tutankhamun,

the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.

As the dastardly digger crept inside the tomb,

he found not only the King's great treasures, but there,

in the burial chamber, trapped within a golden sarcophagus,

the ancient pharaoh's mummy.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

As we all know, nothing is more frightening

than mummy.

WOMAN: Go and tidy your room!

And on the wall above the dead King's body was written a curse.

"Death shall come on swift wings

"to him who disturbs the peace of the king."

[GHOSTLY MOANS]

Yes, whoo, indeed.

The curse was quick to bite.

Within a year, the man who paid for the dig,

Lord Caernarvon, dropped down dead.

[MAN SCREAMING]

As he did, all the lights in Cairo,

the Egyptian capitol, went out.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

At that exact same moment,

back home in England, his dog howled in the moonlight.

[DOG HOWLING]

The curse of Tutankhamun had struck,

but what would become of the man

who first broke into the mummy's tomb?

What fate would befall Howard Carter himself?

He died! [THUNDER CLAPPING]

Years later of completely natural causes.

Ahem.

It turned out that Lord Caernarvon

died from an infected mosquito bite.

Lights in Cairo went out because the electrics were dodgy,

and his dog howled, well, because

that's just what dogs do, isn't it?

It was nothing to do with the mummy.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

Oh, just stop it.

The curse was just made up by the newspapers.

Why am I here?

I mean, you know, if it's not a real ghost story why get me?

Get John Barrowman,

or Ant and Dec.

I'm off. I'm keeping the jacket.

[MAN READING]

King George III didn't die until he was 81,

so George IV had to wait an awfully long time to become king.

Oh.

Oh, George, how do you do it?

How do you look so fabulous, George?

You are worth it!

Your highness, I have some dreadful news.

[GASPS] Powdered wigs aren't coming back, are they?

It's far graver news than that, I'm afraid.

Sir, I must tell you, your father is dead.

Yes!

Get in! Get in!

[GRUNTS]

Sir, I think you may have misheard me.

Dad's dead, dad's dead. Oh, gosh, I'm king.

Uh, you didn't...

Sir, shouldn't you be upset?

Upset? I'm nearly 60 years old,

I know I don't look it, it's very good of you to say.

I wasn't going to, but...

I've been a bog standard prince

for nearly 60 years.

Nearly 60 years I've been waiting

for my father to kick the bucket.

Yes, but, sir,

I have to advise you that your subjects will expect you

to be grief stricken, in floods of tears.

Tears? This is better than Christmas.

George, have you heard the news?

You bet I have!

Congratu-very-lations, Your Majesty.

My Majesty.

Your Majesty.

My Majesty.

Your Majesty.

All right.

Sir, are you sure you can't squeeze out just a small tear?

Certainly not, thick wig. I only cry about things that matter.

Sir, how do I look for my coronation?

Spectacular.

Look at my calves.

Mmm, very muscular, very manly.

[WHISPERING] I'll tell you a secret, it's padding.

Padding? [GASPS] That explains the seat of your trouser.

What?

Well, between youses and meses,

it might be a tad too much pad on the old derriere.

Padding?

There's no padding there!

[CRYING] He thinks I'm fat, he thinks I'm fat!

You know what might help, what about if you wore a corset?

I am wearing a corset!

[SOBBING]

Well, at least he's crying now.

We all owe the poor prince...

I'm not a prince, I'm a king now.

Now, get out!

He's a king.

Out!

Oh, I'm fat.

I need chocolate.

Did you know, George IV was so overweight

his nickname was the Prince of Whales.

That's a bit unfair, isn't it, eh?

Of Whales!

[LAUGHING]

And he really did have to wait nearly 60 years to become king.

# I'm George IV, the Regent King

# Which means I was just standing in

# Acting King because my dad, George III, had gone barking mad

Banana!

# Great palaces I did design

# Buckingham was one of mine

# Art and fashion I so rated

And wives?

# That's more complicated

# Actresses and duchesses The great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies But I couldn't stand my wife

# He couldn't stand his wife

Go away.

# I only married Queen Caroline

# When my debts began to climb

# 'Cause if I agreed to tie the knot

# I said I'd pay off the lot

# But the wedding caused all sorts of strife

# Because I already had a wife

A divorced Catholic?

# Dad did sigh, but the mad old goat just wouldn't die

Still here. [EXCLAIMS] Spoke too soon.

At last I can go solo!

# As true king my reign began

# Though I was now older than your nan

# But as the ruler of our nation

# I banned my wife from my coronation

# And knowing now that I did hate her

# She promptly died just three weeks later

# But all those pies that I got through

meant 10 years later I died, too

Hello, have we met? I'm a kangaroo.

# Actresses, duchesses The great loves of my life

# I loved more girls than I ate pies But I couldn't stand my wife

# I had just 10 years on the throne

# Do you remember that?

# No, all that you remember is

# I was really fat #

[MAN READING]

Hello, and welcome to the News at When.

When? The Middle Ages.

A time when the Christian people of Europe decided to go to war

with the Islamic people in the Middle East

just because they didn't believe in the same things.

Hard to imagine, I know.

So here with more details is Bob Hale with the Crusades report.

Thank you, Sam. Well, I'm Bob Hale and I'm on a bit of a crusade

to tell you all about the Crusades. A series of extremely violent

religious wars that started nearly a thousand years ago.

Yes, the year is 1095, that right there is Palestine, the Holy Land,

and what do you know, here comes the Pope!

Yup, there he is, and he's called Pope Urban

because he's quite street.

Sick!

No, not really. And he doesn't like what he sees,

which is lots and lots of Muslim people, which is hardly surprising

since they live there and it's their holy land, too.

But this pope doesn't like to share,

he decides the entire Holy Land

should be reclaimed for the Christians,

and how does he plan to do this? Simple, he says any Christian

who goes to fight for the Holy Land will get into heaven.

Which the Christians quite like the sound of.

And so began the 1st Crusade. Loads of heaven hungry Christians

will pop across to the Holy Land,

take over, and that will be the end of that.

Also they thought, but turns out this

crusading lark is a tricky old business

and that's just the journey, because many ships back then

had a bit of a design problem.

Mainly that one. And if you didn't sink

you'd have to contend with diseases,

and storms and sickness and mutant sea monsters,

except, not mutant sea monsters,

all before you got to do any actual fighting.

And that was if you could afford to go by boat,

because many crusaders were just poor peasants

who had to walk to the Holy Land. Yup, they walked there,

which takes a lot longer than going to the shops,

even if you go to the big shops down at the Arndale Centre

and not the little one on the corner.

In fact, the 1st Crusade took such a long time,

what with all the walking and sinking and fighting,

that the Christians ran out of supplies, and ended up having to eat

some really disgusting things, like blood, wee,

Turkey Twizzlers and dead bodies,

except not Turkey Twizzlers.

They never got that desperate.

[LAUGHS] Little joke there, well done, Bobsy.

But despite all these difficulties the Christians managed

to take over huge chunks of the Holy Land,

including the great city of Jerusalem,

all in just four years.

So that's job done, crusades over, Christians win, so long,

fair well, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, right?

Wrong! The Muslims weren't about

to take all of this lying down.

No, no, no, they fight back conquering

the city of Edessa, just there.

So what did the pope do?

Yup, you've guessed it, another crusade!

In 1147, the Christians rushed back over to the Holy Land,

and this time they lose.

In fact, they get the pants thrashed off of them.

So, after spending 40 years or so mulling over what to do next,

the Christians come up with a groundbreaking new plan,

a crusade!

Yup, it's another one, and it's a biggy.

1187, Richard the Lionheart, who's actually got a lion's heart.

Yeah, all right, that's not true, but he is King of England

and he starts a war with Saladin,

so that's a war with tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumber.

All right, apparently his name is Saladin,

and he's a Muslim leader who's been building a huge empire

over in the Middle East.

So King Richard and a load of Christians

rush over to the Holy Land yet again

and a big old fight breaks out.

Nothing to do with the Muslims though, oh, no!

In fact, the Crusaders start fighting amongst themselves.

So half of them decide to just call it a day and go home,

leaving poor old Dicky boy on his lonesome.

Lucky for him though, Saladin's a jolly nice chap

and agrees to a peace treaty.

Yes, peace is upon us, no more wars,

no more crusades, it's all flowers

and love and holding hands, and that is the end of that.

No doubt, no diggedy and no questions asked.

Or so we thought!

But in 1202, another pope, the ironically named Pope Innocent,

yes, really, that's his name, comes up with a bold new initiative.

Yup, you've guessed it, it's a crusade!

And so we have the Fourth Crusade that achieves nothing.

Followed by the Fifth Crusade that achieves nothing.

Followed by the Sixth Crusade, that achieves nothing.

Followed by the Seventh Crusade...

Well, we apologise for the technical hitch

we appear to have with Bob today,

we are working to resolve the problem,

but in the meantime, we hope you enjoy this.

When off on a long crusade,

a knight would often take an old woman with him,

or as they used to call them an old crone.

Hi, I'm a Crusader, sworn to win back Jerusalem

from the Saracen Muslims.

Slaughtering them in the name of Christianity.

[GRUNTING]

It's hard dirty work.

That's why when I go on a Crusade

I always bring along an old crone.

She might just be an ugly old woman I kidnapped from my village,

but old crone can wash out even the toughest of stains.

We compared enslaving an old crone to not bothering to wash,

and just look at the difference.

Take old crone along with you on your crusade

and she'll comb those nits out of your hair.

She'll even wash it, too.

Now if a Saracen cuts my head off I know it'll look lovely.

[YELLING]

And that's not all, old crone will even find food and cook it for you.

And when there's a food shortage,

old crone really comes into her own.

I found some grains of wheat in animal droppings.

And the meat is the finest cut

of enemy dead.

The backside.

[GAGGING]

Old crone,

you'll wonder how you ever survived on a crusade without one.

[WOMAN READING]

[MAN READING]

Between 1607 and 1865,

slavery was legal in America.

One slave who escaped and went on to free other slaves

was known as Agent Moses,

but Agent Moses wasn't quite what you might expect.

[BOTH SHUSHING]

Well, I think this is the spot.

Yeah, so what do we do now?

We wait, according to the message, Agent Moses will meet us here,

break us out the plantation,

and arrange safe passage all the way to Canada.

Wow, just think, in a few days we won't be slaves any more.

We'll be free men.

Yeah, and this Agent Moses has already freed over 60 slaves.

He must be quite a guy.

Yeah. I mean, I can't wait to meet him.

So, you boys got my message?

[BOTH SHUSHING]

Waiting for Agent Moses.

[CLEARS THROAT] Agent Moses is here.

Oh, brilliant. Where?

Here. I'm Agent Moses.

You're Agent Moses?

You look like my mamma.

Well, we just expected you to be a dashing young man.

Yup, that's what they all expect.

Especially the slave owners trying to catch me.

Oh, so that's why you're so good at this.

Yup. I'm the last person they'd expect

to be freeing a whole bunch of slaves.

Besides, I got myself a few disguises in case of an emergency.

Let me guess, big false beard.

Uh-uh.

Glasses and a wig, always glasses and a wig.

No, even better,

a newspaper.

BOTH: A newspaper?

You got to be kidding me.

MAN: Who goes there? Who goes there?

Stop, slave... [CHUCKLES] Oh, my apologies, ma'am,

I thought you might be one of those trouble making slaves,

but you're clearly an educated woman

reading a newspaper, ain't you?

-Indeed. -Well, good evening, ma'am.

You, too.

Wow! That's amazing.

That's nothing. Wait till you see my ultimate disguise.

Lady carrying chicken.

BOTH: Lady carrying a chicken?

Now you've gots to be having us on.

MAN: Hey, what's that? Who's there?

Hey, what's all that noise? Stop, slave! What...

[LAUGHS]

My mistake, just a lady carrying a chicken now.

Now look at that funny little chicken.

[CLUCKING]

Oh, I love a chicken.

Well, evening, ma'am. Oh, that crazy chicken.

Wow, that was amazing. He was so distracted by your chicken,

he didn't even notice you.

Lady, either you very, very clever

or these slave owners are very, very stupid.

A little bit of both, boys, a little bit of both.

Grandma Moses real name was Harriet Tubman.

In the American Civil War, she commanded an armed military raid

freeing over 700 slaves

and making her the first woman in American history

to lead soldiers into battle.

The rat knows all.

[MAN READING]

[WHISTLING]

Yes?

Hello, sir, I'm a Roman poo seller.

Would you like to buy some poo today?

Oh, no thanks, I make my own.

-I said no. -Yes, sir.

I clean the communal toilets in the city,

so the poo I've collected is of a very high quality.

Your poo, I think is fair to say, is just peasant poo,

made up of cabbages and turnips.

Some of this is straight from the bottoms of Roman Senators, sir,

and they have a very rich diet, full of fruit and meat.

Think of the nutrients.

I suppose I do have a bit of trouble

making enough for the whole field.

Oh, it's worth its weight in gold, sir, your crops will flourish.

All right then, I'll take some to try.

Lovely.

You will not regret it. This is

the best decision you've ever made.

Look at that, handsome.

See ya.

Should have asked for a bag.

That's right. Roman toilet cleaners used to sell poo to farmers,

and there was plenty of it, I can tell you,

because rich Romans loved to stuff

themselves silly at dinner parties.

Ave, viewer, I'm a very posh Roman,

and if you want to fit into polite Roman society,

there's a few simple rules you need to learn first.

Here's how to behave at a Roman dinner party.

Number one, eating your food.

Eating with cutlery, how rude!

A good Roman will always eat with his fingers.

Oh, yes, that's far more polite.

Number two, table manners.

[BURPS]

Excuse me.

Oh, yes, very good, burping shows

your host you have enjoyed your meal.

[BURPING]

Number three, going to the toilet.

Where are you going?

A Roman would never leave the table to have a wee wee.

You get a slave to bring the pot to you.

But what if I can't go when everyone's watching?

Um, try thinking about an aqueduct,

or a fountain or something.

And number four, what to do when you're full.

No, I can't eat any more, I'm too full.

A good Roman is never full.

Simply tickle the back of your throat

with a feather until you are sick,

and then repeat.

[GAGGING]

[VING]

And now you know how to behave in polite Roman society.

The very height of civilisation.

[VING] Sorry.

Well done. That's my feet, but well done.

# Tall tales, tragic acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories #