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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,960
# Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
2
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,680
# Woeful Wars,
Ferocious Fights
Dingy Castles, Daring Knights
3
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,080
# Horrors that
defy description
4
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:14,600
Cut-throat Celts,
Awful Egyptians
5
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,160
# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime
Punishments from ancient times
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,520
# Roman,
Rotten, Rank and ruthless
7
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,480
Cavemen savage,
fierce and toothless
8
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,600
# Groovy Greeks,
Reigning stages
Mean and Measly Middle Ages
9
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,360
# Gory Stories we do that
10
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,960
# And your host a talking rat
11
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,000
# The past is no
longer a mystery
12
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,880
# Welcome to
Horrible Histories #
13
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,800
[MAN READING]
14
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,440
NARRATOR: Pirates terrorised
the world's seas
stealing treasure,
15
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:48,600
but it wasn't
always the obvious stuff
that was precious.
16
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:53,600
All right, lads,
time to open
the treasure chest.
17
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:54,840
Argh!
18
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,800
This is brilliant!
19
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680
First attack on enemy ship
and first bit of treasure,
20
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,400
don't know about you guys,
I love being a pirate. Whoo!
21
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,920
ALL: Argh!
22
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,840
Let's take a look see
at this 'ere treasure.
23
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,720
Um, bit of a new boy question,
24
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,240
shouldn't there be
treasure in there?
25
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,680
This piece of
paper is the treasure,
my lad,
26
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:24,440
'tis a map showing
all the trade routes.
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00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,520
Using this map we lies in wait
28
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,960
for ships laden
with silks from the
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00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,800
Far East or sugar
from the Caribbean,
30
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,480
and then we
ambushes them, kills them
31
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,080
and steals their
precious cargo.
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00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,320
ALL: Argh.
33
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,200
So,
uh, the map is the treasure?
34
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,520
Argh, priceless it be.
35
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,160
And I am right in saying
that us pirates,
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00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,360
we divide all
the treasure up equally?
Yeah?
37
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,640
Yes,
that's a pirate rule, yeah.
38
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,840
Then I want my share.
39
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,480
[ALL CLAMOURING]
40
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,480
Oh, that is low,
that is low even for a pirate.
41
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,280
-Man over board.
-Who?
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00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,400
Me. I've absolutely had it.
43
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,680
He is under a lot of pressure.
44
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,040
That's right.
Maps were very valuable.
45
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,080
In fact, we pirates stole
all sorts of surprising stuff.
46
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,880
Welcome to
the Pirate Shopping Channel.
47
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:29,600
I'm Black Bart and this here
be Cutlass Liz.
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00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,640
Today we'll be
selling all of the booty
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00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,800
that we stole
on the high seas,
50
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,160
starting with
some fine clothes.
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00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,120
All of our prices
have been slashed.
52
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,000
And so have many
of the clothes.
53
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,440
Well, we did have to kill
the owners first.
54
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,960
That's right. And we liked
some of their
fine clothes so much
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00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,760
that we're
actually wearing them now.
56
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,240
Bootiful, aren't they?
57
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,400
Oh,
I think your parrot may have
pooped on your shoulder.
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00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,440
Have I got it all?
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00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:57,840
Uh, near enough.
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00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,920
And it's not just
bootiful clothes,
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00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,640
if it's
jewellery you're after,
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00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,320
we've got some
wonderful rings.
63
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,720
Yes, we do, Bart.
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00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,400
Together with
the fingers they came on.
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00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,240
Obviously,
we pirates are always
in a bit of a hurry,
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00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,680
so if the ring won't come off
the finger easy,
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00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,120
we just chopped
off the finger.
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00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,200
And if they've
got lots of rings,
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00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,280
best just chop
off the whole hand.
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00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,920
Sorry, what was that?
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00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,760
I didn't 'ear you.
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00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,160
[LAUGHING]
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00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,560
Nice one, Liz.
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00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,960
Yes, we've got earrings, too.
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00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,120
We've actually got something
even more precious.
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00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,080
We've got some sugar.
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00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,920
Sugar?
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00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,320
Freshly stolen from an English
cargo ship in the Caribbean.
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00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,040
Wow. That really is precious.
80
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,840
What have you got there, Liz?
81
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,280
Oh,
this be a five barrel pistol.
82
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,040
Oh,
and with that many barrels,
83
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,760
you really have
to hit something.
84
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,600
How much does
that retail for, Liz?
85
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,040
Oh, no, this isn't for sale.
86
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,200
Hands up! All of them.
87
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,560
I thought we were partners.
88
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,120
Well, what do you expect,
I'm still a pirate.
89
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,640
Now, give me that sugar!
90
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,520
And the rings
and the earrings.
91
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,960
Take them.
Do you want my jacket, too?
92
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,600
Nah, you can keep the jacket.
It's covered in poo.
93
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,640
You won't be wanting
the trousers either, then.
94
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,160
It's true! In the 1700s,
sugar was worth
more than gold.
95
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,640
I'm rich I tell you, I'm rich!
96
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,760
[LAUGHS]
97
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,240
[MAN READING]
98
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,920
We, Incas,
ruled Peru for centuries
until the 1500s,
99
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,480
and we certainly had some
unusual customs.
100
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,680
WOMAN: New from ancient Peru,
it's the brand new album,
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00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,040
Live Like an Inca,
from The Incan Family Players.
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Featuring the chartbuster,
Someone's sacrificed my llama!
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00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,080
# Someone's
sacrificed my llama
104
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,280
# Someone's cut it in two
105
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,160
# Someone's
sacrificed my llama
106
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,760
# Hey, that's what Incas do #
107
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,080
WOMAN: And the unforgettable,
My beer is made
from human spit.
108
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,320
# My beer is
made from human spit
109
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,240
# Would you like to try a bit?
110
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,040
# Guaranteed to revive ya
111
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,920
# Cheers!
Make mine a pint of saliva #
112
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,800
WOMAN:
And their number one smash
113
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,680
The priest just
ripped out my heart.
114
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,040
# Oh, the priest just
ripped out my heart
115
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,000
# And threw it down
the pyramid steps #
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00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,720
WOMAN: With Mum on vocals,
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00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,160
Dad on flute,
118
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,800
and Little Capach on drums.
119
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,440
Also featuring
Grandpa as the flute.
120
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,920
Yes, it's made
out of his shinbone.
121
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,000
And Grandma as the drums.
122
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,480
That's right,
they're made from her skin.
123
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,840
[READING]
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00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,280
No, that's true.
The Incas really did use
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00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,440
human bones for flutes
and human skin for drums.
126
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,040
Huh, imagine being turned
into a musical instrument.
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00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,600
Actually, I already am one,
after a plate of baked beans.
128
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:01,760
[CHUCKLES]
129
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,520
[FARTS] Perfect pitch.
130
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,840
Yes, Inca families had some
pretty unusual customs.
131
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,800
Oh, happy birthday.
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00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,640
Thanks, Mum.
133
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,440
Ah, you're a teenager now,
so we've got you
a special present.
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00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,080
Tada!
135
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,680
My own llama, wow, thanks.
136
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,720
And we also got you this.
137
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,600
A club, for fighting enemies?
138
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,560
Oh, no, for killing the llama.
139
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,880
But I only just got it.
140
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,800
Well, all boys your
age have to do it.
141
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,160
If you want to
grow up into a man
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00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,840
then you're going to
have to kill a llama first.
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00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:32,960
Okay.
144
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,040
But then I'll roast
the llama for you.
145
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,680
Well,
I guess that's something,
146
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,280
a nice slap up
birthday supper.
147
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,720
Oh, no, no, no,
you don't get
to eat the llama,
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00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,600
you have to offer
that to the sun god.
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00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,960
Great, so first I have to kill
my present,
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00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,720
and then give it
to someone else.
151
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,080
I can't believe I was actually
looking forward to this day.
152
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,000
Oh, well, let's put you
in your brand new clothes.
153
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,200
New clothes, sweet.
154
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,760
It's a massive nappy.
155
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,600
-What?
-Put it on.
156
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,200
And I'll come round here
and pierce your ears for you.
157
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,440
Ow! Stop it.
158
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,160
Come on, all Inca boys
need their ears pierced.
159
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,320
There you are,
you're a proper
Inca man now, son.
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00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,440
Well, happy birthday.
161
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,480
Do you know, sometimes I worry
we spoil him too much.
162
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,520
Mmm,
I don't know what we're going
to get him next year.
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00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,000
[MAN READING]
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00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,600
The Egyptian Pharaohs
were mummified like me,
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00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,600
and buried with lots and lots
of treasure.
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00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,520
So much treasure
that many centuries later
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00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:39,280
archaeologists
flocked to Egypt
to try and find their tombs.
168
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,680
MAN: New to based on reality
computer games, comes
169
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,560
The Real Tomb Raider!
170
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:48,880
Yes, discover Egyptian tombs
as they were
really discovered.
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00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,480
COMPUTER:
Select your real tomb raider.
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00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,440
Not real, select again.
173
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,640
Not real, select again.
174
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,880
You have selected
Lord George Edward
Stanhope Molyneux Herbert,
175
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,680
the fifth Earl of Caernarvon,
176
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,560
a genuine archaeologist.
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00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,480
MAN: Real Tomb Raider features
all the tools that
where really used.
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00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:11,840
COMPUTER: Select tool.
179
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,800
Not real, select again.
180
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,000
Not real, select again.
181
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,840
You have
selected a small brush.
182
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,200
MAN: Okay,
real tomb raiders, we're off.
183
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,360
Using all your skills,
guide your adventurer
184
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,080
to scrape
through sand and, oh,
185
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,080
brush the dust off some
disappointing
bits of old pottery.
186
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,560
Or perhaps you'll discover
a whole new tomb.
187
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,680
Although it
might take a while.
188
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,120
About 20 years, probably.
189
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,720
With no zombies, no mummies,
coming back alive.
190
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,480
In fact, no monsters at all.
191
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,320
The Real Tomb Raider,
192
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,600
not much fun,
but it's what it
was really like.
193
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,520
[NARRATOR READING]
194
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,360
It's false.
195
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,720
[READING]
196
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,120
Horrible, but not as horrible
as the curse said to
be put on his tomb.
197
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,640
Greetings, fear fans.
198
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,880
I am Vincenzo Laughoff.
199
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,280
This week's scary story
200
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,320
is the curse of Tutankhamun.
201
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:37,000
It was 1922,
a particularly ghoulish year,
202
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,760
when an archaeologist
named Howard Carter
203
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,080
discovered
the tomb of Tutankhamun,
204
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,120
the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
205
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,680
As the dastardly digger
crept inside the tomb,
206
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,800
he found not only
the King's great treasures,
but there,
207
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:53,960
in the burial chamber,
trapped within
a golden sarcophagus,
208
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,600
the ancient pharaoh's mummy.
209
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,520
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
210
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,640
As we all know,
nothing is more frightening
211
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:02,920
than mummy.
212
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,560
WOMAN: Go and tidy your room!
213
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,760
And on the wall above the dead
King's body was
written a curse.
214
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,440
"Death shall
come on swift wings
215
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,520
"to him who disturbs
the peace of the king."
216
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,640
[GHOSTLY MOANS]
217
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,360
Yes, whoo, indeed.
218
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,400
The curse was quick to bite.
219
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,520
Within a year,
the man who paid for the dig,
220
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,640
Lord Caernarvon,
dropped down dead.
221
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,360
[MAN SCREAMING]
222
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,760
As he did,
all the lights in Cairo,
223
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,040
the Egyptian capitol,
went out.
224
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,440
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
225
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,520
At that exact same moment,
226
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,880
back home in England,
his dog howled
in the moonlight.
227
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,040
[DOG HOWLING]
228
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:48,960
The curse of
Tutankhamun had struck,
229
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,840
but what would
become of the man
230
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,680
who first broke
into the mummy's tomb?
231
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,400
What fate would befall
Howard Carter himself?
232
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,360
He died!
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
233
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,280
Years later of completely
natural causes.
234
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,280
Ahem.
235
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,120
It turned out
that Lord Caernarvon
236
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:12,280
died from
an infected mosquito bite.
237
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:16,240
Lights in Cairo went out
because
the electrics were dodgy,
238
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,240
and his dog howled,
well, because
239
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,840
that's just what
dogs do, isn't it?
240
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,480
It was nothing to
do with the mummy.
241
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:23,680
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
242
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,320
Oh, just stop it.
243
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,520
The curse was just made up
by the newspapers.
244
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,920
Why am I here?
245
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,800
I mean, you know, if it's not
a real ghost story why get me?
246
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,840
Get John Barrowman,
247
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,320
or Ant and Dec.
248
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,400
I'm off.
I'm keeping the jacket.
249
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,280
[MAN READING]
250
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,320
King George III didn't die
until he was 81,
251
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,200
so George IV had to wait
an awfully long
time to become king.
252
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:57,960
Oh.
253
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,840
Oh, George, how do you do it?
254
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,960
How do you look so fabulous,
George?
255
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,160
You are worth it!
256
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,120
Your highness,
I have some dreadful news.
257
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,160
[GASPS] Powdered wigs
aren't coming back, are they?
258
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,200
It's far graver
news than that,
I'm afraid.
259
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,520
Sir, I must tell you,
your father is dead.
260
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,720
Yes!
261
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,120
Get in! Get in!
262
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,280
[GRUNTS]
263
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,240
Sir, I think you
may have misheard me.
264
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,080
Dad's dead, dad's dead.
Oh, gosh, I'm king.
265
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,320
Uh, you didn't...
266
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,240
Sir, shouldn't you be upset?
267
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,400
Upset?
I'm nearly 60 years old,
268
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,360
I know I don't look it,
it's very good of you to say.
269
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,680
I wasn't going to, but...
270
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:39,920
I've been a bog
standard prince
271
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,920
for nearly 60 years.
272
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,400
Nearly 60 years
I've been waiting
273
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,800
for my father to
kick the bucket.
274
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,160
Yes, but, sir,
275
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,800
I have to advise you
that your
subjects will expect you
276
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,080
to be grief stricken,
in floods of tears.
277
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,760
Tears? This is
better than Christmas.
278
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,120
George,
have you heard the news?
279
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,400
You bet I have!
280
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,600
Congratu-very-lations,
Your Majesty.
281
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,160
My Majesty.
282
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,600
Your Majesty.
283
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,200
My Majesty.
284
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,040
Your Majesty.
285
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,600
All right.
286
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,400
Sir, are you sure
you can't squeeze
out just a small tear?
287
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:15,400
Certainly not, thick wig.
I only cry about
things that matter.
288
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,800
Sir, how do I look
for my coronation?
289
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:18,920
Spectacular.
290
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,920
Look at my calves.
291
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,560
Mmm,
very muscular, very manly.
292
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,960
[WHISPERING] I'll
tell you a secret,
it's padding.
293
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,520
Padding? [GASPS]
That explains
the seat of your trouser.
294
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:31,760
What?
295
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,760
Well,
between youses and meses,
296
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,800
it might be a tad too much pad
on the old derriere.
297
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,600
Padding?
298
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,080
There's no padding there!
299
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,640
[CRYING] He thinks I'm fat,
he thinks I'm fat!
300
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,720
You know what might help,
what about if
you wore a corset?
301
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,880
I am wearing a corset!
302
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,240
[SOBBING]
303
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,560
Well,
at least he's crying now.
304
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,440
We all owe the poor prince...
305
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,920
I'm not a prince,
I'm a king now.
306
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:03,880
Now, get out!
307
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,080
He's a king.
308
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,320
Out!
309
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,240
Oh, I'm fat.
310
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,240
I need chocolate.
311
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,960
Did you know,
George IV was so overweight
312
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,520
his nickname was
the Prince of Whales.
313
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,440
That's a bit unfair,
isn't it, eh?
314
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:23,720
Of Whales!
315
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,520
[LAUGHING]
316
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,040
And he really did have to wait
nearly 60 years
to become king.
317
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,480
# I'm George IV,
the Regent King
318
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,480
# Which means I
was just standing in
319
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:47,360
# Acting King because my dad,
George III,
had gone barking mad
320
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,480
Banana!
321
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,600
# Great palaces I did design
322
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,480
# Buckingham was one of mine
323
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,040
# Art and fashion I so rated
324
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,160
And wives?
325
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,720
# That's more complicated
326
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:07,120
# Actresses and duchesses
The great loves of my life
327
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:12,360
# I loved more
girls than I ate pies
But I couldn't stand my wife
328
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,200
# He couldn't stand his wife
329
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,320
Go away.
330
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,520
# I only
married Queen Caroline
331
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,280
# When my debts began to climb
332
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,240
# 'Cause if I
agreed to tie the knot
333
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:30,320
# I said I'd pay off the lot
334
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,400
# But the wedding caused
all sorts of strife
335
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,160
# Because I already had a wife
336
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,880
A divorced Catholic?
337
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,920
# Dad did sigh,
but the mad old goat
just wouldn't die
338
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,800
Still here.
[EXCLAIMS] Spoke too soon.
339
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,520
At last I can go solo!
340
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,360
# As true king my reign began
341
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,880
# Though I was now
older than your nan
342
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,040
# But as
the ruler of our nation
343
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,880
# I banned my wife
from my coronation
344
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,640
# And knowing now
that I did hate her
345
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,720
# She promptly died
just three weeks later
346
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,920
# But all those
pies that I got through
347
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,680
meant 10 years
later I died, too
348
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,880
Hello, have we met?
I'm a kangaroo.
349
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:19,640
# Actresses, duchesses
The great loves of my life
350
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:25,240
# I loved more
girls than I ate pies
But I couldn't stand my wife
351
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,120
# I had just 10
years on the throne
352
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,000
# Do you remember that?
353
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,840
# No, all that you remember is
354
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,840
# I was really fat #
355
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,160
[MAN READING]
356
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,760
Hello, and welcome
to the News at When.
357
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,600
When? The Middle Ages.
358
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,000
A time when
the Christian people
of Europe decided to go to war
359
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,400
with the Islamic people
in the Middle East
360
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,520
just because
they didn't believe
in the same things.
361
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,440
Hard to imagine, I know.
362
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:15,760
So here with more
details is Bob Hale
with the Crusades report.
363
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,600
Thank you, Sam.
Well, I'm Bob Hale
and I'm on a bit of a crusade
364
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,280
to tell you all
about the Crusades.
A series of extremely violent
365
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:25,000
religious wars
that started nearly
a thousand years ago.
366
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,920
Yes, the year is 1095,
that right there
is Palestine, the Holy Land,
367
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,680
and what do you know,
here comes the Pope!
368
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,520
Yup, there he is,
and he's called Pope Urban
369
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,880
because he's quite street.
370
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,480
Sick!
371
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,480
No, not really.
And he doesn't
like what he sees,
372
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,560
which is lots and
lots of Muslim people,
which is hardly surprising
373
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,760
since they live there
and it's their holy land, too.
374
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,680
But this pope
doesn't like to share,
375
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,080
he decides
the entire Holy Land
376
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,720
should be reclaimed
for the Christians,
377
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,240
and how does he
plan to do this?
Simple, he says any Christian
378
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,880
who goes to fight
for the Holy Land
will get into heaven.
379
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,640
Which the Christians
quite like the sound of.
380
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,800
And so began the 1st Crusade.
Loads of heaven
hungry Christians
381
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,320
will pop across
to the Holy Land,
382
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,600
take over,
and that will be
the end of that.
383
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,240
Also they thought,
but turns out this
384
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,840
crusading lark is
a tricky old business
385
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,280
and that's just the journey,
because many ships back then
386
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,880
had a bit of a design problem.
387
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,440
Mainly that one.
And if you didn't sink
388
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,960
you'd have to
contend with diseases,
389
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,880
and storms and sickness
and mutant sea monsters,
390
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,680
except,
not mutant sea monsters,
391
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,680
all before you got to do
any actual fighting.
392
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,480
And that was if you could
afford to go by boat,
393
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,120
because many crusaders
were just poor peasants
394
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,560
who had to walk
to the Holy Land.
Yup, they walked there,
395
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,440
which takes a lot longer
than going to the shops,
396
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,320
even if you go
to the big shops
down at the Arndale Centre
397
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,000
and not the little
one on the corner.
398
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,160
In fact, the 1st Crusade
took such a long time,
399
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,120
what with all the walking
and sinking and fighting,
400
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,720
that the Christians
ran out of supplies,
and ended up having to eat
401
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,200
some really disgusting things,
like blood, wee,
402
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,840
Turkey Twizzlers
and dead bodies,
403
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,240
except not Turkey Twizzlers.
404
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,400
They never got that desperate.
405
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,360
[LAUGHS] Little joke there,
well done, Bobsy.
406
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,320
But despite all
these difficulties
the Christians managed
407
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,920
to take over huge chunks
of the Holy Land,
408
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,760
including the great
city of Jerusalem,
409
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,200
all in just four years.
410
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,520
So that's job done,
crusades over,
Christians win, so long,
411
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,480
fair well, auf wiedersehen,
goodbye, right?
412
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:57,760
Wrong!
The Muslims weren't about
413
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,000
to take all of
this lying down.
414
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,720
No, no, no,
they fight back conquering
415
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,400
the city of Edessa,
just there.
416
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,640
So what did the pope do?
417
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,880
Yup, you've guessed it,
another crusade!
418
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,440
In 1147, the Christians
rushed back over
to the Holy Land,
419
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,840
and this time they lose.
420
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,640
In fact, they get the pants
thrashed off of them.
421
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,320
So,
after spending 40 years or so
mulling over what to do next,
422
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,920
the Christians come up
with
a groundbreaking new plan,
423
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,160
a crusade!
424
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,920
Yup, it's another one,
and it's a biggy.
425
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,880
1187, Richard the Lionheart,
who's actually
got a lion's heart.
426
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,680
Yeah,
all right, that's not true,
but he is King of England
427
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,080
and he starts
a war with Saladin,
428
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,320
so that's a war with tomatoes,
lettuce, and cucumber.
429
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,720
All right,
apparently his
name is Saladin,
430
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,680
and he's a Muslim leader
who's been
building a huge empire
431
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:34,880
over in the Middle East.
432
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,640
So King Richard and
a load of Christians
433
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,360
rush over to
the Holy Land yet again
434
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,840
and a big old
fight breaks out.
435
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,480
Nothing to do with
the Muslims though,
oh, no!
436
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,040
In fact,
the Crusaders start fighting
amongst themselves.
437
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,320
So half of them decide
to just call it
a day and go home,
438
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,280
leaving poor old Dicky boy
on his lonesome.
439
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,560
Lucky for him though,
Saladin's a jolly nice chap
440
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,240
and agrees to a peace treaty.
441
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,560
Yes, peace is upon us,
no more wars,
442
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,160
no more crusades,
it's all flowers
443
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,160
and love and holding hands,
and that is the end of that.
444
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,520
No doubt, no diggedy
and no questions asked.
445
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,640
Or so we thought!
446
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,400
But in 1202, another pope,
the ironically
named Pope Innocent,
447
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,440
yes, really, that's his name,
comes up with
a bold new initiative.
448
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,640
Yup, you've guessed it,
it's a crusade!
449
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,680
And so we have
the Fourth Crusade
that achieves nothing.
450
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,240
Followed by the Fifth Crusade
that achieves nothing.
451
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,760
Followed by the Sixth Crusade,
that achieves nothing.
452
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:18,880
Followed by
the Seventh Crusade...
453
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,240
Well, we apologise
for the technical hitch
454
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,400
we appear to
have with Bob today,
455
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,520
we are working to
resolve the problem,
456
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,680
but in the meantime,
we hope you enjoy this.
457
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,000
When off on a long crusade,
458
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,920
a knight would often take
an old woman with him,
459
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,320
or as they used to call them
an old crone.
460
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,680
Hi, I'm a Crusader,
sworn to win back Jerusalem
461
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,200
from the Saracen Muslims.
462
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,600
Slaughtering them
in the name of Christianity.
463
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,240
[GRUNTING]
464
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,600
It's hard dirty work.
465
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,960
That's why when
I go on a Crusade
466
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,840
I always bring
along an old crone.
467
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,600
She might just be
an ugly old woman
I kidnapped from my village,
468
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,440
but old crone can wash out
even the toughest of stains.
469
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:06,800
We compared
enslaving an old crone
to not bothering to wash,
470
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,960
and just look at
the difference.
471
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,720
Take old crone along with you
on your crusade
472
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,320
and she'll comb those nits
out of your hair.
473
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,560
She'll even wash it, too.
474
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,320
Now if a Saracen
cuts my head off
I know it'll look lovely.
475
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,160
[YELLING]
476
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:30,320
And that's not all, old crone
will even find food
and cook it for you.
477
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,360
And when there's
a food shortage,
478
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,840
old crone really
comes into her own.
479
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:39,880
I found some grains of wheat
in animal droppings.
480
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:44,120
And the meat is the finest cut
481
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,960
of enemy dead.
482
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,640
The backside.
483
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,360
[GAGGING]
484
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,920
Old crone,
485
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,360
you'll wonder how
you ever survived
on a crusade without one.
486
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,920
[WOMAN READING]
487
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,400
[MAN READING]
488
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,200
Between 1607 and 1865,
489
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:11,080
slavery was legal in America.
490
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,720
One slave who
escaped and went on
to free other slaves
491
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,080
was known as Agent Moses,
492
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,800
but Agent Moses wasn't quite
what you might expect.
493
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,360
[BOTH SHUSHING]
494
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,680
Well,
I think this is the spot.
495
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,640
Yeah, so what do we do now?
496
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:38,680
We wait,
according to the message,
Agent Moses will meet us here,
497
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,160
break us out the plantation,
498
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,520
and arrange safe passage
all the way to Canada.
499
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,480
Wow, just think, in a few days
we won't be slaves any more.
500
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,320
We'll be free men.
501
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,400
Yeah, and this Agent Moses
has already
freed over 60 slaves.
502
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:52,680
He must be quite a guy.
503
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,680
Yeah. I mean,
I can't wait to meet him.
504
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,480
So, you boys got my message?
505
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,960
[BOTH SHUSHING]
506
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,440
Waiting for Agent Moses.
507
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,480
[CLEARS THROAT]
Agent Moses is here.
508
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:02,840
Oh, brilliant. Where?
509
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,400
Here. I'm Agent Moses.
510
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:06,640
You're Agent Moses?
511
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,440
You look like my mamma.
512
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,440
Well, we just expected you
to be a dashing young man.
513
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,680
Yup,
that's what they all expect.
514
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,960
Especially the slave owners
trying to catch me.
515
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,160
Oh, so that's why
you're so good at this.
516
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,520
Yup. I'm the last
person they'd expect
517
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,760
to be freeing
a whole bunch of slaves.
518
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,320
Besides,
I got myself a few disguises
in case of an emergency.
519
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:29,640
Let me guess, big false beard.
520
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,000
Uh-uh.
521
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,800
Glasses and a wig,
always glasses and a wig.
522
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,520
No, even better,
523
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,440
a newspaper.
524
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,400
BOTH: A newspaper?
525
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:40,760
You got to be kidding me.
526
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,040
MAN: Who goes there?
Who goes there?
527
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:48,840
Stop, slave... [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my apologies, ma'am,
528
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,560
I thought you
might be one of those
trouble making slaves,
529
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:52,920
but you're clearly
an educated woman
530
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,240
reading a newspaper,
ain't you?
531
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,200
-Indeed.
-Well, good evening, ma'am.
532
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,480
You, too.
533
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,040
Wow! That's amazing.
534
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,320
That's nothing.
Wait till you see
my ultimate disguise.
535
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,320
Lady carrying chicken.
536
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:08,920
BOTH: Lady carrying a chicken?
537
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,880
Now you've gots
to be having us on.
538
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:12,760
MAN: Hey, what's that?
Who's there?
539
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,480
Hey, what's all that noise?
Stop, slave! What...
540
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:16,840
[LAUGHS]
541
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,200
My mistake,
just a lady
carrying a chicken now.
542
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,080
Now look at that
funny little chicken.
543
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,440
[CLUCKING]
544
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,760
Oh, I love a chicken.
545
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:33,960
Well, evening, ma'am.
Oh, that crazy chicken.
546
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,240
Wow, that was amazing.
He was so
distracted by your chicken,
547
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,720
he didn't even notice you.
548
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,800
Lady,
either you very, very clever
549
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,720
or these slave owners
are very, very stupid.
550
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,360
A little bit of both, boys,
a little bit of both.
551
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:51,840
Grandma Moses real name
was Harriet Tubman.
552
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:55,360
In the American Civil War,
she commanded
an armed military raid
553
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,080
freeing over 700 slaves
554
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,080
and making her the first woman
in American history
555
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,120
to lead soldiers into battle.
556
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,600
The rat knows all.
557
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:08,800
[MAN READING]
558
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:11,960
[WHISTLING]
559
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,720
Yes?
560
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:18,920
Hello,
sir, I'm a Roman poo seller.
561
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,560
Would you like to
buy some poo today?
562
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,080
Oh, no thanks, I make my own.
563
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,280
-I said no.
-Yes, sir.
564
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,280
I clean the communal toilets
in the city,
565
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,120
so the poo I've collected
is of a very high quality.
566
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,840
Your poo,
I think is fair to say,
is just peasant poo,
567
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,760
made up of
cabbages and turnips.
568
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,120
Some of this is straight from
the bottoms of
Roman Senators, sir,
569
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,880
and they have
a very rich diet,
full of fruit and meat.
570
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,360
Think of the nutrients.
571
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,640
I suppose I do
have a bit of trouble
572
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,440
making enough for
the whole field.
573
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,520
Oh, it's worth its
weight in gold, sir,
your crops will flourish.
574
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,800
All right then,
I'll take some to try.
575
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,040
Lovely.
576
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,760
You will not regret it.
This is
577
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,360
the best decision
you've ever made.
578
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,320
Look at that, handsome.
579
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:01,800
See ya.
580
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,680
Should have asked for a bag.
581
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:12,800
That's right.
Roman toilet cleaners
used to sell poo to farmers,
582
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,080
and there was plenty of it,
I can tell you,
583
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,160
because rich
Romans loved to stuff
584
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,160
themselves silly
at dinner parties.
585
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,640
Ave, viewer,
I'm a very posh Roman,
586
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,480
and if you want to fit
into polite Roman society,
587
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,480
there's a few simple rules
you need to learn first.
588
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,600
Here's how to behave
at a Roman dinner party.
589
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,720
Number one, eating your food.
590
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,840
Eating with cutlery, how rude!
591
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,760
A good Roman will always eat
with his fingers.
592
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,680
Oh,
yes, that's far more polite.
593
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,720
Number two, table manners.
594
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,000
[BURPS]
595
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,120
Excuse me.
596
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,560
Oh,
yes, very good, burping shows
597
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,880
your host you have
enjoyed your meal.
598
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:00,080
[BURPING]
599
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,640
Number three,
going to the toilet.
600
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,800
Where are you going?
601
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,160
A Roman would never leave
the table to have a wee wee.
602
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,160
You get a slave to
bring the pot to you.
603
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,080
But what if I can't go
when everyone's watching?
604
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:19,080
Um, try thinking
about an aqueduct,
605
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,880
or a fountain or something.
606
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,000
And number four,
what to do when you're full.
607
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,600
No, I can't eat any more,
I'm too full.
608
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,800
A good Roman is never full.
609
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,000
Simply tickle
the back of your throat
610
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,080
with a feather
until you are sick,
611
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,320
and then repeat.
612
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,200
[GAGGING]
613
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:41,960
[VING]
614
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,200
And now you know how to behave
in polite Roman society.
615
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,560
The very height
of civilisation.
616
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,520
[VING] Sorry.
617
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:57,480
Well done.
That's my feet, but well done.
618
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,200
# Tall tales, tragic acts
We gave you all
the fearsome facts
619
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,720
# The ugly truth,
no glam or glitz
620
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,120
We showed you
all the juicy bits
621
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,760
# Gory,
ghastly, mean and cruel
622
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,560
# Stuff they don't
teach you at school
623
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,360
# The past is no
longer a mystery
624
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,960
# Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories #
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