Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, Daring knights

# Horrors that defy description # Cut-throat Celts

# Awful Egyptians # Vicious Vikings

# Cruel crime, # Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten # Rank and ruthless

# Cavemen savage Fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages # Gory stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories #

[MAN READING]

During the Georgian era,

the British had a great naval commander,

the legendary Lord Horatio Nelson.

Wow! The Victory.

Me serving under Lord Nelson on his own flagship.

I can't wait to meet Britain's greatest ever naval hero.

Well, you won't have to wait long because he's coming now.

Look out, I'm going to be sick.

[VING]

Ah, sorry about that,

I suffer terribly from seasickness.

Ned Harris, sir.

May I say what a pleasure it is to serve aboard the Victory?

Would you do me the honour

of letting me shake you by the hand?

Don't worry, happens all the time.

Got hit in the right arm by a bullet,

had to have it hacked off by a saw.

Didn't see it coming, of course,

because I had something in my eye, a large piece of shrapnel.

Can't see out of the blessed thing now. [CHUCKLES]

And how did you lose your legs?

What?

Your legs seem to be cut off at the knee.

No, he really is that short.

Oh, dear, a bit embarrassing.

I'm a great admirer of all your work.

The Battle of the Nile, The Battle of Copenhagen.

[VS]

What? This is ridiculous.

He's supposed to be Britain's greatest ever naval hero,

and he's half blind, one-armed and he gets seasick.

He may not be much to look at, granted,

but he is a genius at sea battles and very popular with the men,

even though he is a stickler for discipline.

Sailor, have you seen the state of your shoes?

I expect all the men on my ship to be decently turned out.

-But you just... -Get them cleaned up, man.

They're an absolute disgrace.

Honestly, you can't get the sailors nowadays...

Excuse me.

[VS]

Ha! Lord Nelson wasn't just a lord,

he was also a viscount, a duke and a baron,

the commander in chief of His Majesty's ships

and a Knight of the Order of the Bath.

I was almost knighted by the queen once.

Well, she spotted me in the palace kitchens

and chucked a sword at me.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, there really were some unlikely Georgian heroes.

Hello and welcome to the News at When.

When? 1724,

when a third of London's population turned out

to see Britain's most famous criminal.

To find out more, let's go over live

to Jessica Harvey Smythe

who's soaking up the atmosphere.

Thanks, Sam.

As you can see, thousands of people have turned up

just to catch a glimpse of their hero, Jack Sheppard,

perhaps one of London's most glamorous criminals.

He's escaped from prison not once, not twice, but four times.

And these people clearly love him for it.

Jack Sheppard is well loved.

Yeah, he's like such a rebel and he's so daring.

So, how long have you been a fan?

Oh, like, since his first escape.

He was being held in St. Giles Roundhouse

and he broke out through the roof.

Yeah, um, he lowered himself to the ground

using bed sheets tied together. It was well wicked.

Yeah, and I really liked it when he escaped from Newgate Prison

dressed in ladies clothes.

Yeah, that was so awesome.

Oh, there he is! There he is!

JESSICA: Let's try to get an interview with the man himself.

Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack,

Jack, HHTV News,

um, could we have a few words?

'Course you can. Nice to meet you.

Ooh. Well, um, 300,000 Georgians have turned up

just to catch a glimpse of you, Jack.

That's one quarter of London's population.

Are you nervous?

A few butterflies. It's not every day you're executed.

Well, when you say "executed"

I'm sure you're planning to make

one of your trademark daring escapes.

Ooh, you know me so well.

I do have a trick up my sleeve actually.

It's a penknife.

-Oh, brilliant. -And I'm going to use it...

I'll have that.

[CROWD GROANING] This way, sonny.

JACK: I'll think of something.

Jack Sheppard, there.

Can't wait to see how he's going to get out of this one.

And the crowd are going to go absolutely wild,

and Jack is getting up on the scaffold now

and he's putting his head in the noose.

I'm sure he's about to make his move any time now.

And the hangman is about to open the trapdoor,

he should be escaping any second.

[TRAPDOOR OPENS] [CROWD GASPS]

Still, always nice to see a good public execution.

Great day out for all the family.

[MAN READING]

Ow!

Oh, dear. Leg still causing you pain?

No. I make these noises when I'm happy.

No need to be like that, the doctors are on their way,

and today they're from the

uh, Middle Ages.

Oh, terrific!

I am Doctor Usmal.

Yes, and he's an Arabian healer from the 1100s.

Oh, that is a nasty looking abscess.

No, no, it's fine, honestly. I'm feeling a lot better.

It doesn't hurt?

Ow!

Yeah, well just a tiny bit.

This dressing prepared from healing herbs

will soon reduce that swelling.

Herbs? Leave it out, I don't...

Actually that feels rather soothing. Thank you, Doctor.

My pleasure. Next patient please, nurse.

Yes, just this way.

Wow! It really worked.

Sorry I'm late. Doctor Nutpeck here.

Crusader Doctor from the Middle Ages.

What appears to be the problem?

It's all right. I've just been seen by the Arabian healer.

That primitive fool! Ugh!

What you need is some proper European Crusader medicine.

Actually it feels a lot better.

Nonsense! We must cut off this leg.

-What! -Bite down on this.

Help!

Yes, amputation is a cure

for all European Crusaders.

What are you doing? Stop it! [THUDS]

There, doesn't that feel better already?

Where's next patient?

So, you are feeling a little lightheaded?

Thanks, but I've tried every treatment going.

I hardly think some Arabian cure

from the Middle Ages is likely to help.

Well, we will see. Could you please chew on this?

What's this? Some sort of magic leaf?

No, it is just good healthy food.

Arabian healers have known for a long time that a healthy balanced diet

can be very beneficial in cases such as yours.

Mmm, my goodness, I feel better already.

Well, stay on the diet and soon you will be well.

So, poor female lady woman, what seems to be the problem?

Don't worry, Doctor Nutburger, I have put her on a diet

and she will be very well in no time at all.

A diet? You crazy Arabian hippy.

Us European doctors know there is

only way to cure this condition.

Bite down on this.

We must remove the top of the patients head

and wash out the brain with salt.

Get off her!

No! [GRUNTS] I banged my head.

I feel a little lightheaded.

So, you feel a little lightheaded.

Well, then perhaps we should apply one of your Crusader cures

and cut your head off!

No, that won't be necessary.

Perhaps we can try one of your nice Arabian herbal remedies.

No! Bite down on this.

[MUFFLED SHOUTS]

[LAUGHS]

Yes, European doctors thought they were better than Arab doctors

in the Middle Ages, but they were wrong.

Mind you, even Arabian medicine

couldn't have done much to save this fella.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny because they're true

# Boo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee hee #

[SIGHS] Next!

And you are?

Humphrey de Bohun,

leader of the rebel army.

And how did you die? With great stupidity I hope.

Well, I was leading a rebellion against King Edward II.

My army was fighting his at the battle of Barrow Bridge.

Not stupid enough.

I was leading my troops across the wooden bridge.

The enemy was defending it fiercely.

Almost sensible.

I decided to charge them head on

and I was killing everything in my path.

Battling them to the right, fighting them to the left of me.

[YAWNING] You're losing me, pal.

Then suddenly I felt a terrible agony in my, um,

in my bottom.

[LAUGHS] Oh, joy!

Yes, an enemy soldier had hidden himself

under the bridge and he'd shoved a pike

right in my bottom.

Look, there it is.

Ooh, hey, that must have been a real pain in the neck.

Don't you mean pain in the backside?

-That's what I said, wasn't it? -No you said pain in the neck.

No, I said pain in the backside.

I think it would've been funnier

if you'd said pain in the backside.

Well, it was funny because...

-I did whatever, pal! -Right.

You're through to the afterlife. Off you trot.

Thank you.

[LAUGHS] Ooh, hey, he got a real bum deal.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh, I should've said that when he was in the room.

Hey, you, you got a bum... Oh, he's gone.

Why do you always think of things too late? Nevermind.

Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo hoo #

[MAN READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is

all three.

Dressed in a red shirt and earrings, a drunk white lama

would be sent into a temple to kick over pots of chicha beer.

And that's not the only bizarre Incan custom.

And remember,

these authentic Incan drums are made from genuine human skin.

So you can go on beating your enemy all day long.

And annoying your neighbour all night.

And it won't cost you any money.

That's because we Incans swap goods.

Swapping what we don't need for what we do need.

And now time for this hour's special item.

It's the very latest in Inca technology.

And here it is.

An all in one wool grower, jewellery maker,

fortune teller and barbecue.

And there was me thinking it was just an ordinary llama.

It is an ordinary llama, silly.

But you'll be amazed at the things you can do with it.

Well, I know you can eat it

and I know you can sacrifice it for special occasions,

our priests get through hundreds

of these at weddings, don't they?

Well, sacrifices really are just the tip of the llama.

For a start, you could use its wool to make clothes.

I suppose that's what you call a llama pyjama.

[LAUGHS]

Or why not wear a llama on your armour,

with these authentic Incan bracelets

made from llama toenail clippings.

Mmm, your arm smells really cheesy.

Thank you.

And what else can you use a llama for?

Well, believe it or not, llamas can help you tell the future.

No!

Is there anything you'd like to know?

Well, well, yes, there is actually.

Do, do I just ask the llama?

Uh, no silly, you have to kill the llama,

remove it's lungs and then blow them up.

And here's some I inflated earlier.

The veins will help you reveal the answer to your question.

Yes! It says yes!

Hang on, hang on. You didn't tell me what the question was.

Will you marry me?

What? Give me those lungs.

That can't be right. Is that a yes?

Definitely. I guess we'll have to sacrifice a few more llamas.

Shut up!

We Incans really did use llamas for all those things,

so we needed loads of them.

Hi, I'm a Incan priest.

I dress well, I work hard and I get through a lot of llamas.

I sacrifice a hundred llamas at the beginning of every month.

[SINGING]

I'm an Incan emperor

and tomorrow I go into battle with one of the jungle tribes.

So I wondered, if you would do a sacrifice for me?

Oh, boy! There goes another thousand llamas.

[SINGING]

As you can imagine, getting through

llamas this fast means I soon run out.

That's why I buy my llamas from a llama farmer.

[SINGING]

Honey, I think it's time we got married.

Oh, no! An emperor's wedding.

There goes another couple of thousand llamas.

[SINGING]

Shut up!

[MAN READING]

Greetings my groupies of gore.

I am Vincenzo Laughoff

and this week's scary story is from the Victorian times.

The Cabinet of Mystery.

The year was 1871, a date that crackles with creepiness.

When Florence Cook, a girl of exactly your age,

providing you are 15,

began to communicate with people from another world,

the world of the dead!

[SILENCE]

Soon her unique... [THUNDER CLAPS]

Right, the thunderclap needs to come when I say "world of the dead"

or not all, okay?

Soon her unique gift made Florence the toast of Victorian society

and she would host creepy meetings

in which she would summon up ghosts and spirits.

[GHOSTLY MOANS]

Oh, yes, very much ooh.

In these meetings known as seances,

Florence, dressed in a sombre black dress,

would step inside a mysterious cabinet, just like this one.

Uh, but much, much bigger and a different shape.

But she would step inside this cabinet and be tied to a chair within.

The door would be shut, the lights would be dimmed

and the seance would begin!

[THUNDER CLAPS]

Much better.

As Florence sat inside the cabinet

making contact with the spirit world,

a white ghostly figure would suddenly appear in the room

and then one day, in the middle of a seance,

Sir George Sitwell, a noted aristocrat and politician,

did the unthinkable.

Ignoring the rules of the spirit world

and with no regard for his own safety,

he reached out to grab the ghostly

figure as she floated past him.

Would he find himself drawn back into the spirit world with her

or would the angry ghost turn on her tormentor,

haunting him until his dying day?

Neither! What he found in the grasp of

his hand was even more disturbing!

An angry woman in her underwear...

What?

The ghost was just a woman in her nightie

with a sheet on her head.

When they opened the cabinet, Florence was missing,

so they turned the lights on, found that the woman in her nightie

was just Florence without her dress on,

so the whole ghost thing was a massive con.

Right, what does this say?

"Scary Stories." Scary.

Okay? Not pointless stories. Not annoying stories.

I don't want to do a show called Boring Stories.

I did that last year for the other channel

and, frankly, it sunk like a stone.

Okay? So when I come back, I want

another ghost story and this time

I want a ghost in it. I'm going to the canteen.

And there better be cake.

There were plenty of charlatans and con artists

like that in Victorian times.

Even in the field of medicine. Good day.

Roll up! Roll up! Do you have tummy trouble?

Do you have a two foot tapeworm living in your stomach?

Then what you need is this most excellent tapeworm trap.

It's just like fishing, only the worms

aren't the bait, they're the catch.

I once caught a tapeworm this long.

[GROANS IN DISGUST]

You simply load the food into the trap and hey presto! Away we go.

Now, how about a demonstration?

Uh, you, sir.

You look like you have a tapeworm.

Well, yes, I does.

Then simply open wide,

in with the tapeworm trap, like so.

[GAGGING]

He's dead.

He's choked on your stupid trap.

Yes, but now he's dead he can't eat,

and without food the tapeworm will die.

-So the trap works? -He's cured.

Oh, well, I'll take one.

Me, too!

Excellent. Come!

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is

A. The hot potato would be tied to your head with a scarf

so that it stayed next to your ear.

In Victorian times people really did have some very odd ideas

about how to stay healthy.

Greetings! Are you fed up with vile, stinking Victorian water?

Does it make you feel really sick? [GROANS IN DISGUST]

Then why not try the new healthy alternative,

Victorian beer! Mmm.

There, I feel better already.

Here's Doctor John Snow to tell us more.

Hello, I'm Doctor John Snow.

I've proved that the Victorian water supply is full of germs

and is spreading cholera throughout Britain.

It's vitally important that nobody drinks the water,

not until we've cleaned up the supply.

And that's why Doctor John Snow drinks Victorian Beer.

No, I don't touch the stuff.

I don't agree with it, on religious grounds.

-Really? -Mmm.

Victorian Beer is made with all natural ingredients,

like barley, yeast and hops,

and what's more, it's packed with vitamins. Mmm.

It tastes much healthier than water

and it's not infected with all those nasty little diseasy thingys.

Can I have another one please? [HICCUPS]

Work hard, play hard, drink hard

and fall over.

MAN: Warning, beer contains alcohol

which will impair your ability to speak

or even stand up.

That's not true. That's...

And can also be fatal if you drink too much.

I love you, man.

[SNORING]

[MAN READING]

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

today bringing you exclusive live sporting events

from the time of the Greek legends.

We're at the Trojan Wars for the big fight.

Paris, Prince of Troy, versus the Greek leader, Menelaus.

So let's join our on the spot commentary team.

You join me outside the walls of Troy.

I'm here with the challenger.

You seem pretty relaxed, Menelaus.

Um, are you confident about today?

I is gonna reign supreme, innit?

How can you be so confident?

Because I ain't doing the fighting. I tagged my man Achilles here.

He's immortal. Wicked, isn't it?

Don't you think there could be an upset at all?

You ain't listening to me, you flannel,

my man Achilles was made immortal

when his mum dunked him in the river of the dead,

he cannot be killed.

We're going to rip it up...

Uh, boss,

I'm not completely immortal. [SHUSHING]

Mum was holding my by the heel when she dunked me,

so that bit's not quite as immortal as the rest of me.

You just told the man from the telly

about your weak spot. Nice one!

So there you have it. Enormous confidence from the Greek camp.

Let's go over and see how things are looking

in the opposition camp behind the walls of Troy. Gary?

Cheers, John. So, Paris, looking forward to the big fight?

No way, man, I is scared, yeah? He is immortal.

Do you understand me? You do it man. I is so scared. You do it.

For goodness sake!

So, uh, looks like his warrior brother, Hector,

is going to have to stand in for him. Excitement!

JOHN: So it's Hector, the boy from Troy,

versus the gods' favourite, the immortal Achilles, the Greek hero.

Who do you think's going to win this one, Gary?

Uh, Achilles, he's immortal.

Fair enough.

And the big fight is up.

But what's this? Hector's running away, with Achilles in pursuit.

That's once round the city, twice, three times round the city, Gary.

Well, great attack from Hector there,

but kind of pointless because Achilles is,

and stop me if you've heard this before, immortal.

Oh, and, uh, clearly Hector isn't, uh...

Yeah, it's game over.

And Menelaus clearly thrilled with the result there... Ooh,

but what, what's this? Paris is up on the ramparts

with a bow and arrow and he shoots, he scores!

JOHN: And that's a fantastic shot from Paris

and who'd have thought that Achilles'

Achilles heel would be his Achilles heel?

Kind of obvious when you think about it.

Back to the studio.

We get the expression "your Achilles heel"

from the story of Troy.

It means, however strong you are you've always got a weak spot.

Even elephants have an Achilles heel, as the Greeks found out.

[NARRATOR READING]

In ancient times, King Pyrrhus of Greece

went to battle with the Romans and brought with him a secret weapon,

elephants.

Elephants, charge!

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

Greek war elephants were brilliant

because once they started charging

they didn't stop, and trampled anything in their way,

particularly the enemy troops.

[YELLING] [ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

It was brilliant

but unfortunately there was one small problem,

elephants are scared of fire and pigs.

So the Romans set fire to some pigs.

[PIG SQUEALS]

And sent them charging at the charging elephants.

[PIG SQUEALING]

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

[SOLDIER YELLING]

Making King Pyrrhus really wish...

[PYRRHUS YELLS]

...he'd left his secret weapon at home.

[CHUCKLING]

[MAN READING]

The British Prime Minister during

World War II was Winston Churchill.

He was an inspirational leader who liked to work hard,

very, very hard indeed.

[MUMBLING]

Yes. So that is the plan for the D-Day landings.

Grand in scale, audacious in nature.

What say you, General...

General!

Ah, what? Where? Man the guns.

[EXCLAIMS] Hmm!

General, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?

I'm sorry, Prime Minister, no.

Well, at least Pamela will have gotten it down.

[SNORING]

Pamela!

Sorry, Prime Minister, I must have dropped off for a minute.

Right, well, I was just telling the General...

General! [EXCLAIMS]

Uh, I'm sorry PM, it's just we've been up till gone 4:00

nearly every night this week.

Some of us need to sleep.

We can't all work the hours you do, Prime Minister.

How can we sleep when we need to plan the D-Day landings?

The greatest single day waterborne invasion of all time.

But you never stop, sir.

I mean you even take work with you into the toilet.

How do you keep it up?

Cigars and champagne, my boy.

Can I possibly borrow a couple of matches?

Be my guest, Pamela.

Here, try some champers.

Should wake you up a bit.

Thank you, sir. Cheers.

So, D-Day.

A fleet of 5,000 vessels will transport 160,000 troops,

landing across a 50 mile stretch of the Normandy coastline

and there we will begin the long, hard push to Berlin,

Hitler and victory.

[BOTH SNORING]

[LOUD POP] [BOTH EXCLAIM]

With all due respect, sir, that's not funny, there is a war on.

Very well, maybe it is time I went to bed.

Oh. At last.

Yes.

But don't worry, I've had a desk specially made to fit over it,

so we can continue this meeting in our jim-jams.

General, bring the map.

Forty winks. I just really must get my head down, you know.

Won't be long, just... [MUMBLING]

Ow! Wake up.

[SNORES]

[EXCLAIMS] I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake!

Yes, it's true. Churchill really did

have a desk built to fit over his bed

so he could carry on working at night.

Churchill inspired everyone in Britain to get behind the war effort

and it meant women's lives changed forever.

# We're girlies from the '30s

# Wash the dishes, scrub the floor

# When all of a sudden Our hubbies went to war

# Did you think we'd shrink In England's needy hour?

You what?

'Course not.

# Because we got girl power

# Our men are fighting World War II

# But we're not gonna boo hoo hoo

# It's our World War II, too, girls

# Plenty we can do, girls

# We're the World War II, girls

# Our war begins right here

# I make weapons in the factory

# Drill and bolt an screw

# With rules so strict They even time you

# When you're on the loo

# Making bombs and bullets Means I'm always mucky

# I've put my name down for a bath I'll get one if I'm lucky

# There is no job that we can't do

# It wasn't long till our roles grew

# Your country needs you, girls Army, navy, too, girls

# We're the World II girls This is our career

# I'm a plane fixing Plain speaking

# Photo taking, coal breaking Air force Miss

# Radar mender, lorry driver, weather guessing

# Foreign spying, I do all this

# I took the role of land girl While our men fight far away

# Storming on the home front, Helping save the day

# Tending crops and animals, Manual labour hoods

# In the field, my uniform's This scratchy tie and shirt

# When World War II is over though

# We'll be proud because we will know

# Thanks to us it's true, girls, Came to the rescue, girls

# We're the World War II, girls Original girl power #

# Tall tales # Atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth

# We showed you all the gypsy bits

# History, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories #