Original subtitles

gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

defy description

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishments from ancient times

rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

reigning stages

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories

[NARRATOR READING]

We Romans really could be rotten.

And there's nothing we liked more

than being horrible to Christians.

Hello and welcome to I'm a Christian, Get Me Out of Here.

So far, Rome has seen Christians stoned to death,

beheaded, crucified, mauled by boar, bear and leopard

and, of course, eaten by lions.

Now, that's what I call Roman entertainment.

I can hardly wait to find out what happens to today's prisoners.

Let's go and meet them. Come on.

Hail, Christians!

Now, we've got some really horrible

tortures for you lined up today.

But, remember, all you have to do,

if you wanna be freed, is shout,

"I'm a Christian, get me out of here!"

And you also have to say

that our Roman gods are better than your one Christian God, okay?

Now does any of youse wanna say that now?

No, we're good Christians. We won't reject our religion.

Brilliant! I hate it when they give in, no gory stuff.

Right, let's find out who's first up.

Blandena, love, I can tell you

that the next Christian to face the trial is not...

Not... Not...

Not you, so it is you! [LAUGHING] I love doing that.

-That's really cruel. -Yeah, I know.

But it's not as cruel as your next trial which is gonna place you

in a huge catapult and fling you high above the city.

Don't worry you might survive.

Good.

But if you do, a Roman soldier will come up to you

and finish you off with his sword.

That's not fair.

I know, off you go, pet. Come on, get out.

After the break, we'll be taking our next Christian prisoner

and put him in this barrel and rolling him down a hill.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Whoops, did I forget to mention? The spikes.

BLANDENA: I'm a Christian, get me out of here!

A bit for that one, Blandena. And remember, kids,

being a Christian in Rome can seriously damage your health.

Emperor Nero was particularly nasty to Christians.

Maybe not surprising when you hear how he treated people

he was supposed to care about.

I now pronounce you Emperor and wife.

Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.

You lucky, lucky thing.

NARRATOR: He was the man who had everything.

Land. Love you.

Power.

Hail me!

Grapes, a lot of grapes.

And the woman of his dreams.

I love you, darling.

I don't blame you.

Then, one day, possibly while shopping for grapes...

I'm not paying for these. It's my empire, my rules.

Nero met the woman of his dreams.

Yes, another one.

Who is that?

Do you wanna go out with me?

Won't your wife mind?

Shouldn't think so. Do you mind?

Yes, I mind!

Hmm, you can never second guess these things.

But Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved.

No, no, the other one.

Yeah, yeah, that one, there.

I need a sign, something to show that you love me now, not her.

Right. Well, something more than grapes?

Because I've got loads of grapes.

Yes, something more than grapes!

Right.

Uh...

This summer, one Emperor will prove that love is a gift.

Darling, it's just what I wanted.

Your wife's severed head in a basket.

Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in romantic comedy.

You'd never cut off my head and put it in a basket, would you?

Baby, of course not.

I'm gonna have you kicked to death.

What? Shh, nothing.

Love You To Death, based on a true story, rated unreasonable.

It's horrible, but it's true.

Emperor Nero really did have his wife's head cut off

and sent to his new girlfriend.

For next Valentine's Day, you might want to stick to flowers, hmm?

Nero wasn't nasty to everyone though.

He was really nice to his favourite gladiator, Spiculus.

WOMAN: In this week'sAve! magazine

an exclusive interview with the most famous sportsman

in all of Rome, Spiculus the Gladiator.

My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus,

but you can just call me Spics.

I used to be a slave,

but then I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom.

And the Emperor Nero likes me so much,

he's given me my very own palace.

WOMAN: Read how Nero made

his favourite gladiator head of his

elite personal protection force.

Only problem is, I'm now so famous,

I can't go anywhere without being stopped for pictures.

Over here, Spiculus! Nice!

WOMAN: And we've got the pictures

the celebrity gladiators really didn't want you to see.

Have you never heard of a Roman bath?

Plus our resident soothsayer predicts the future

by reading the entrails of a chicken.

I can safely say it's going to be a bad week.

For this chicken.

Yes, all the goss, all the pics, all the Roman rumours,

only in this week'sAve! magazine.

I can safely predict you're going to buy it.

Only 99 denarii.

[NARRATOR READING]

Some of our Middle Ages medical cures

would seem pretty strange nowadays.

Paul, Paul, can you hear me?

Don't worry, darling, the ambulance is on its way.

Make way, make way, clear a path, make way.

Historical Paramedics.

Are you from the hospital?

No, we're from the Middle Ages.

What's happened here?

It's my husband here, he went all dizzy and he passed out.

What be his name? Paul.

Paul, hear ye, hear ye, Paul!

Can ye hear me, Paul?

No, he looks like he's fainted. Nigel, I need a dead chicken.

-A dead chicken? -Yeah.

What on Earth is that gonna do?

Nothing. It's dead.

It's not the chicken we need, it's the feathers.

We just burn the ends of them like this.

This should bring him round almost immediately.

No, it's not working.

Hath he shown any other symptoms before this day?

Oh, I suppose he hasn't been sleeping too well.

Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle.

Yes, honey?

No, get the treacle. The treacle.

Don't worry, madam.

Treacle is the latest Middle Ages cure for sleeplessness.

Hang on, what are those markings?

Could be bruising from the fall.

I'll get the flour and bacon fat.

WOMAN: What?

No, hang on. They're kind of blotchy.

Skin disease. No! I'm all out of wolf skin.

Where be a wolf? Where be a wolf? [DOG BARKING]

This might work.

Actually it looks like ringworm.

I concur with thee.

Then there's only one thing for it.

Man child, do you want to be a gallant hero?

Then you must wee on that man's head.

Nothing cures ringworm like a hair wash in boy's wee.

He's not weeing on my husband's head!

You're not weeing on my husband's head!

Don't worry, I always carry a fresh jar of boy's urine, just in case.

[GASPS]

Paul!

I'm okay. I do need a shower though.

Our work here is done.

Do you mind filling this up while we're here?

Stop it, don't!

[SIREN WAILING]

Hark! It sounds like a proper ambulance.

We must flee this place!

Make haste!

Ian, bring the clean-up kit. Those historical ones have been here.

WOMAN: Those were all real treatments.

But what was the Middle Ages cure for gout,

a painful inflammation of the joints?

Was it a plaster of rosemary and honey mixed with...

A: goats' hair, B: goats' poo or C: goats' wee?

The answer is, B: goats' poo!

They actually believed it would work.

But back then, they believed some very weird things.

Greetings, horror hounds. I am Vincenzo Laughoff

and this week's scary story is from the Middle Ages.

It's called The Children of Woolpit.

It was 1173, in a specially eerie yearie,

when the small village of Woolpit

in the county of Suffolk was invaded

by creatures from another world.

[EERIE SOUNDS]

Indeed. One day, two aliens appeared in the village.

These aliens had taken the form of two children,

a boy and a girl. But their skin was bright green

and they spoke in a strange alien language.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Or something.

Yes, the villagers of Woolpit were terrified.

These green-skinned aliens demanded to be fed,

but what they ate was truly chilling.

Something no real human child would eat, without being forced.

Yes. Vegetables!

And then quite without warning,

the boy alien dropped down dead.

[LOUD SCREAMING] [THUDS]

And the girl alien, well, that's the strangest part of all.

She became a part-time domestic servant.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It turned out that these children were not from Mars or Venus.

They were from Belgium.

They were orphans, the children of Belgian cloth makers.

Their skin was green because of the dye the parents used on the cloth.

They'd been living in the woods so long,

the only food they recognised was vegetation.

The boy died of malnutrition,

the girl grew up, got married and went to work for a local knight.

This is not a scary story, is it?

It's a sort of boring story with a weird beginning.

That isn't the same thing. I mean, why am I here?

I grew a goatee for this. It's unbelievable.

I'm going to my dressing room and there had better be doughnuts.

[NARRATOR READING]

Ancient Greece was divided into different city states.

The people of Athens thought our Spartans were pretty brutal,

but some of the things they did were just as bad.

Oh, come on, Adolphus. You're gonna be late for school again!

Now, have you got everything?

-Yes. -Have you got your stylus?

-Uh-huh. -You got your wax tablet?

-Yep. -Got your pita bread for lunch?

-Yeah. -Haven't you forgotten something?

No.

Your slave! Slave.

Oh, Dad, do I have to take him?

Yes, you have to take him. I bought him specially to beat you

when you misbehave in class.

[GROANS]

All the other kids have got one.

[LAUGHS]

Shut it, you!

[GROANS]

He's only doing his job.

Now, Athena, have you got everything you need for school?

Eh? [LAUGHS]

Sorry, I'm only joking. Like I'm gonna

send a girl to school, it's pointless.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[GROANS]

Oh, you are good. Oh, actually,

he's got maths this afternoon. You might wanna take the big stick,

you know what he's like. Well, go on then, get off to school!

[SIGHS]

Kids, you can't beat them, so to speak.

It's true. In the ancient Greek city of Athens,

boys took a slave to school with them

to make sure they were behaving in class.

I have no idea how they fitted the slave in their satchel though.

[LAUGHING]

[GROANS] All right, I'll behave.

Mind you, if you think Athens sounds bad,

you wouldn't have wanted to go to school in Sparta.

Hey, all you helots,

you Zealots, you Peloponnesians, you Lacadaemons,

all of Leonidas' army, let's get barmy, the Spartan school musical!

Go Spartans!

[ALL WHOOPING]

Whoo!

Come on!

starting high school where boys are turned to men

sword and shield We don't use paper and pen

were left to die as breakfast for the birds

We're taught not to be meek

good they feed us three square meals every week

Now fighting is exciting

the Spartan school

Come on!

Whoo!

I'm the boss that's understood

if they're naughty

and I thwack them if they're good

I'm gonna steal some food

I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood

We're not the thieving sort

What's wrong is getting caught

Now learning lies and cheating

the Spartan school

to see who is the best

leanest, toughest, roughest Spartan contest

my favourite game Lashings of good fun

Didn't feel a thing.

I want my mum.

then it's Spartan graduation

No time for celebration

service in the army No diversion

job for a Spartan Killing loads of Persians

doesn't teach romance It teaches fighting dirty

Now fighting is exciting

the Spartan school

Now learning lies and cheating

the Spartan school

[NARRATOR READING]

We Tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII.

No one wanted to give him bad news.

In fact, there was only one person who could get away with it.

- Sir Nicholas. -What news?

The rumours are true, I'm afraid.

It would indeed seem that the Queen is seeing other men

behind the King's back.

Then it is as we feared. We should inform His Majesty.

Yes, of course. But you know how his moods are.

Yes, he does tend to behead the messenger.

Indeed.

Then there is only one man for the job.

Only one man who could break such terrible news

to His Majesty, King Henry VII.

-You don't mean... -Yes.

Will Summers.

Will Summers.

You called?

[VOCALISING]

So what seems to be the problem, gentleman?

Catherine Howard.

Oh, another man?

Several.

Oh, dear. That is a pickle.

Yes, and we need to tell the King,

so he can arrange a divorce, or a beheading, or something.

And you are his favourite jester.

Who better to break the bad news?

Yes, this is true, but how?

This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think?

Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song?

Or shall I just blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling?

Well, you're the expert.

Yes, I am very good at this.

I shall use tact, diplomacy and one of these.

[SPUTTERING]

Stand aside, gentlemen.

[VOCALISING]

No, not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood.

I don't know. You seem to be in a right mood to me.

[LAUGHING]

Stop it, seriously, I need a wee.

Would that be the royal wee?

[LAUGHS] No, seriously, seriously. I will wet my breaches.

Oh, don't get any on the seat or you'll have to be "throne" out.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, no, there's a couple of drips right there.

I wouldn't worry about it.

There's been a few drips on that throne through the years.

Yes, drips, hasn't there just...

More than a few, I should think.

Yes, almost as many as your wife has boyfriends.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, she's had a few then, has she?

Yeah, loads of them.

Good day, sire.

Very good, huh.

Look at you, you silly man.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Well, Will, how did he take it?

It's too early to say.

Should sink in in about three, two, one.

HENRY VIII: What!

There it is.

Nicholas! Fetch me my executioner!

At once, sire.

Oh, and a clean pair of pants, please.

Being Henry's jester was a dangerous job.

But not as dangerous as being this Tudor entertainer.

'cause they're true

Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

time it's not you

Hee, hee.

She shouldn't have worn that dress. She had no chance. Next!

And you are?

A Tudor performer and entertainer.

Ooh, well, why not entertain us, eh? [LAUGHS] How did you die?

Well, I was famous for my amazing act. The great stab proof man.

Ooh!

I would stand before a live audience and plunge a dagger

into my own chest and, yet, not die.

Hmm, well, how come?

I wore a cleverly hidden stab proof vest

so the knife never even touched me,

but it did puncture a concealed bag of animal blood,

giving the impression that I was bleeding.

[CHUCKLES] Very clever. So, how did you die for real?

Well, it was all going perfectly. The crowd was cheering,

the money was pouring in and I raised my dagger aloft

and plunged it into my chest!

Yes, and, and?

I'd forgotten to put on my stab proof vest.

I stabbed myself in the heart and I died.

[LAUGHING]

Shame the vest wasn't idiot proof!

I'll just confer with the judges.

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Oh, shut up, Louis. Yes, that's two yes's.

You're through to the afterlife, well done.

Thank you, thank you so.

He's very good, wasn't he? He was good.

Sometimes I love this job, I do, I do, Louis, I do.

time it's not you

[NARRATOR READING]

Kill, kill!

The time has come, men, for your first hunting trip.

Yeah!

Let's get in.

We've all been blessed by the sacred hag.

Oi, less of the hag. It's mummy to you.

We've all been blessed by Mum. Sorry, Mum.

That's better.

And now, we hunt.

Yeah!

We must be strong enough to

bring down a marauding mega bear.

Ooh! Mega bear?

Ooh! Mega bear?

May Ug's arrows fly straight enough to fell a stampeding mammoth.

-Mammoth? -Mammoth?

And may Grunt's dagger be sharp enough

to tear out the heart of a ferocious sabre-toothed tiger.

Did he say tiger?

He said tiger, he said tiger.

We feast this night! Men, let's hunt!

[ALL YELLING]

[ROARING] No, no, no.

That mega bear looks pretty big actually.

Look at the size of its hand.

MAN: Oh, oh, oh, that's a leg. Oh, there's the other leg!

Actually, actually maybe we should go and help.

-Or, or, or... -Yeah?

We could hunt that giant tortoise over there.

Do you know I actually prefer

-tortoise to bear? -Me, too.

So, let's go and get him. They're pretty good in soups, I think.

-Watch out, he's a biter. -Yeah, get away.

Yes, caveman really hunt giant tortoise.

In fact, we kill all giant tortoise in North America. Bad caveman.

[GROANS]

Hunting very tiring, so fitness important in Stone Age.

TRAINER: Do you want a body like this?

But actually have a body like this?

Then you need the Caveman Workout.

It's perfect training for a prehistoric hunt.

You want guns like these? Sure you do.

Let's start with those arms.

And club, and club, and club. Keep it going.

And club, and club, another 10, and club.

Okay! Let's start working out with those spears.

Don't worry. We use them to hunt bison.

First of all, we chase a bison up a cliff.

And run, and run. Get your feet up, and run, and run.

There's one right there. Let's go!

[BISON LOWING]

Once you have your bison, you need to finish him off.

And spear, and spear, and spear. Keep it going, and spear.

Now it's time to drag the heavy bison

up the hill, back to your cave.

And drag, and drag, and drag, while fighting off predators.

And drag, and club, and drag, and club, and drag. And club.

That's really great.

So that's it, the Caveman Workout.

Stay in shape and you, too, could live to the ripe old age of 30.

The Caveman Workout, available while cavemen last.

[STRAINING]

That's enough of that, I think. Did you know, scientists say

humans look the way they do thanks to hunting.

Yeah, you lot evolved springy legs and feet muscles

so you could chase animals for miles and miles.

And a bottom, so you could sit watching telly for hours and hours.

[LAUGHS]

It's true.

[NARRATOR READING]

The famous Wild West Pony Express was set up in 1860

to carry mail from one side of America to the other.

But it didn't last long.

Howdy, Bill.

Why howdy, Jim.

Here I am, bang on schedule.

Although I did manage to run into an ambush again.

And I had to ride all through the night in a storm.

And the horse got spooked by a rattle snake,

reared up and threw me into a cactus.

Yeah, as if my butt wasn't sore enough

having to spend 20 hours in the saddle

just to deliver the mail to you.

Here, this is for you, Bill.

Why, thank you kindly, Jim.

Oh, I forgot about that.

Hot diggity! It says here they finished the telegraph line

running right across the whole of America.

-Uh-huh. -So all I have to do

is connect up this here telegraph machine

and I should start receiving messages.

Well, look at that. It works!

Now, Bill, you know there ain't nothing that can get your messages

from the east coast to the west coast faster than the Pony Express.

It only takes us 10 days!

Well, a telegraph only takes 10 seconds.

[MACHINE DINGS]

I got my first message.

It says, "Pony Express out of business." Stop.

"Tell rider to get another job." Stop.

Well, that is just a pain in the butt.

Ooh!

And so is that!

One second. I got me some pliers.

[GROANS]

Okay.

That's right. The Pony Express riders' careers were finished

in just over a year.

Much like most X-Factorwinners!

[LAUGHING]

Still, they were lucky if they lived to tell the tale

because the Wild West sure was full of dangerous characters.

But don't believe everything you read about them.

are actually a mystery

in the books you read

or even misreported

was all down to me

-It's Whiteley! -Sorry.

No, no, you got it the wrong way round, mate.

Sir Walter Raleigh's the explorer,

the Monte Carlo Rally is the car race!

Yeah, easy mistake to make.

Wallop!

Cliff, I've got Wyatt Earp and

Billy the Kid in reception for you.

I've only just had the ceiling done. All right, send them in.

[BOTH YELLING]

[FIRING]

Susan, can you rebook the plasterer

for next Wednesday? Thank you, love.

Mr Earp, Mr The Kid, what seems to be the problem?

Yes, sir, we'd just like to give you a big thank you.

-Oh? -People believe

Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid are genuine Wild West heroes.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

[GUNS FIRING]

No need to thank me, lads.

I got all the facts from these two books what you give me.

It was you fellows did all the gun fighting and hold ups and all that.

Oh, no, no, no, sir. We did not do any of that stuff.

Beg your pardon?

It was all lies. I made it up.

What?

And that stuff about me being a sheriff

and bringing law and order to the Wild West,

well, heck, I was just a part time policeman

who got fired for stealing horses.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I thought you was a hero.

What about the gun fight at the O.K. Corral?

That gun fight was just an argument

about a robbery that we all did together.

In fact, it wasn't much of a gun fight,

'cause most of their side didn't have guns.

Oh, yeah.

[BOTH WHOOPING]

Ceiling! Well, I hope your book's a bit more authentic.

Sir, there is nothing authentic about my book in the least.

But it's called The Authentic Life of Billy the Kid.

It was written by the man who killed me.

I think he wanted to big his self up.

Well he must have got some things right. Let's have a look.

"Real name William Bonny, killed 21 men by the age of 21,

"renowned for his handsome face."

Well, I am kind of handsome.

And the rest.

My real name is Henry Mcgardy. I killed my first man at 18, not 12...

And 21 murders before I was 21? I only killed 8 people

my whole entire life.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

Honestly, so you're both fakes?

Where's a real Wild West legend when you need one, eh?

Pearl Heart at your service.

Right, I'm gonna start charging for the ceiling.

I'm the real deal, ran away from boarding school, cut my hair,

dressed like a man, held up a stagecoach, yee-haw!

Lawmen had to fight hard to take me, but not even a prison cell

could hold down Pearl. I busted my way through the wall

-and straight to freedom, yee-haw! [FIRES]

You do know there's an office above me.

And I did all that, without killing a soul,

so how about you set the record straight and wipe these no good fakers

straight from history?

Well, I'd love to, but that sort of thing could take me years.

[RUMBLING]

Yep, that should do it.

-Yee-haw! -Wallop!

[FIRES GUN]

We gave you all the fearsome facts

no glam or glitz

We showed you all the juicy bits

ghastly, mean and cruel

teach you at school

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories