All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E02 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]

# Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars,
Ferocious Fights
Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that
defy description

Cut-throat Celts,
Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime
Punishments from ancient times

# Roman,
Rotten, Rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage,
fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks,
Reigning stages
Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory Stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Welcome to
Horrible Histories #

[NARRATOR READING]

Us pirates stole
anything thought valuable.

Gold coins,
jewellery, silk cloth,
medicines, maps, sugar...

That's right, sugar!

But in 1713,
one pirate stole something

even more unusual than that.
[LAUGHS]

Swab the deck!

This time I've
excelled myself, Fisher.

I mean other pirates
have got it all wrong.

Why risk life and
limb attacking ships
on the high seas?

When you can just
steal a herd of cows
from a field on dry land.

[COWS MOOING]

Captain Basil Hood,
pirate extraordinaire.

Go and check on the cows,
will you?

Aye, aye, Captain.

We'll sell these
cows for huge profit.

This is quite
simply my best plan ever.

Oh, the cows seem
to be a bit seasick, sir.

Seasick?

[GAGS] Yeah
there's a lot of spewing
going on down there.

I've got vomit on the walls,
vomit on the ceiling,

got some vomit on me.
[BELCHING]

And the stench is... Oh, no.

[BOTH V]

Well, go clean it up, man.

Aye, aye, Captain.

[GROANING] Okay,
maybe this wasn't
my best plan ever.

It's no good, sir.
There's just too much of it.

It's like an erupting volcano
of vomit down there.

I can't take this much longer.

What are we gonna do?

Over there,
sir, on the horizon.

The Navy!

If they see us
they'll arrest us.

We've over here.

We've over here.

Pirate Basil Hood,

I am arresting you
for being a pirate.

Do you surrender
to the English Navy?

I do,
I do, thank you very much.

Now, please can you take us
on your nice clean ship?

[COWS MOOING]

What was that?

Nothing. Just ignore it.

We'll board your ship now
and surrender at once.
Come on.

Stop!
I definitely heard something.

No, that was Fisher's stomach,
weren't it, Fisher?

[GROANING] Yep.
Oh, moo, moo, ugh.

That smell!

What's that
terrible awful smell?

It's...

My word!
There's cattle down here

and they're puking and spewing
and spewing and puking!

And... [GAGS]

[RETCHING]

This ship is disgusting.
We're leaving.

And you,
Hood, you're free to go

and take your
vomit ship with you.

No. No,
please don't leave. Please.

NAVY OFFICER: Abandon ship.

No.

Next time let's just stick
to stealing treasure.

[BOTH VING AGAIN]

Oh. All those puking cows
are making me feel quite sick.
[GAGGING]

But it doesn't
matter how sick I feel,

I'm still not gonna go
and see a pirate doctor.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh, you poor thing,
that looks nasty.

But I'm sure it's nothing
to worry about.

I'll just see
if there's a doctor around.

Ahh! Morning, nurse.

Morning. And you are?

One-eyed Ned,
pirate extraordinaire.

I got my chest here full of
the finest pirate medicines.

Argh, seawater. Hemlock.

That's poisonous, isn't it?

Only if I don't
read the instructions,

which I probably won't
'cause they're all in Latin

and I can't ready anyway.
[CHUCKLES]

Right,
let's have a look at ya,
me young swabby.

[GRUNTS]

Argh! Touch of scurvy, eh?

Well, there's not much
a bit of
blood-letting won't cure.

Removes all the toxins,
so it does.

I haven't got scurvy,
I've just got a cut on my leg.

Ahh! Why didn't you say so?
Oh,
we'll have it off in no time.

-Off?
-Yeah.

You don't want a rotten leg
aboard a ship, do ya?

But it's only a little cut.

Well, better safe than sorry.

Trust me, I'm a carpenter.

A carpenter?

I thought you said
you were a doctor.

We had a doctor, but he died.

He mostly just
sawed off limbs anyway.

Ha!
And I'm the ship's carpenter,
so I know me ways about a saw.

Uh. Say, "Argh".

Ah, argh.

Argh.
Ah! [LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Ah, you're
a chatty one, ain't ya?

Isn't there
anything you can give him

to ease the pain?
Any anaesthetic?

Oh, I've never heard of 'em.

Oh, rum maybe?

Don't mind if I do.

[GROANING]

Not so fast, laddie.

Better see if he
survives first.

No good wasting
good rum on the dead.

PATIENT: Nurse!

The leg.

Almost finished.
All we gotta do now
is seal the wound.

With stitches and
a clean dressing.

No, with a load of hot tar.
Argh.

Ah.
Ahhh!

Oh, good thinking, nurse.

Here's your new leg.

[GROANS]

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello and welcome to
World War II Archer.

Today, we're joined by
General Peregrine Thoroughgood

from the British Army.

Carry on.

Right. Uh, I was going to.

This week we're
going to be making
models of Allied tanks,

the kind that Peregrine here

actually used during
the Second World War.

In fact,
here's one I made earlier.

Gosh!

Ours were just like this,
except bigger.

Yes, and not made
of cardboard, obviously.

No, no,
ours were made of cardboard.

Sorry?

Yes, yes, cardboard, rubber,
bits of wood,
all sorts of things.

Why on earth would
you make tanks out of

cardboard and,
and rubber and things?

Hmm, I thought you
might ask me that.

Allow me to introduce
my top military advisor,

the amazing Jasper Maskelyne.

Jasper Maskelyne,
Master of Illusion,
at your service.

Mr Maskelyne was
the army's official magician.

Why on earth did the army
need a magician?

Who better to fool the Germans
than a master of illusion?

Keep it.

Yes, you see, the Germans were
spying on us
from their planes.

They could see where our guns
and tanks were,

and from that,
work out our next move.

But what if
the tanks and guns they saw
weren't tanks and guns at all?

What if it was
just an illusion?

Fly, Cornelius, be free!

Oh, right, I see.

So you built cardboard tanks
to fool the German planes?

Precisely. We even put tanks
on top of jeeps

and drove them
around to make it

look like
the tanks were moving.

So it was all just...

An illusion.
Is this your card?

Well I,
I didn't actually choose it.

Take the card.

Okay.

Yes, these sorts of tactics
helped us win the war.

On D-Day, when we
wanted Hitler to think

we were invading
France from Dover,

we built an entire fake army.

We even had
fake wooden planes,
like this one.

Oh, right.
Well, doesn't look much
like a plane from here.

Not from the ground maybe,
but from the air.

Oh, I see. Very clever.

And the Americans bought
an entire inflatable army.

You could say I
was the first general
to blow up his own army.

[LAUGHING]

I don't really get the joke.

Well, there we have it.

It turns out
that cardboard tanks
and wooden planes

could really be
used to help win a war.

That's all we have
time for this week.

So, a big thanks to my guests,

General Peregrine
Thoroughgood and...

And me!
Jasper Maskelyne,
Master of Illusion.

Good heavens,
where has he gone?

Well,
he's clearly just down there,
isn't he?

-I mean...
-Why would you do that?

-Well, uh...
-Why would you...

It's not magic.
I mean you've clearly

just gone down
below the decks.

You've just, you've just
ruined it for everyone.

That's true,
cardboard and glue
helped us win the war.

And paper and string was
pretty useful, too.

Poor wartime
families used to wrap

their children
up in brown paper

to keep them snug and warm.

Now, what could possibly
go wrong with that?

Hello, darling, I'm home.

Hello, love. Did you remember
to send that parcel?

Yes, of course I did, darling.
Ah!

And have you seen Timmy?
I've no idea where he's gone.

Well, he was here earlier,
playing with his teddy.

Ah. Yes, I think I know
what's happened.

Darling, I'm just popping back
to the post office. Uh, yes.

At least I
marked him "fragile".

[NARRATOR READING]

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny
'cause they're true
Whoo!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next
time it's not you #

Hee, hee.

Next!

Phew-ee! Oh, God, who are you?

Captain Stinky of
the Stinky People?

Heraclitus,
ancient Greek philosopher.

Oh,
what, I stink therefore I am?

[LAUGHS] So,
how did you die, Stinkitus?

Heraclitus!

Whatever.

Well, in my old age
I developed
an illness called dropsy,

which is where
your body swells up
with excess water.

But I did invent
an original cure.

Oh, I can tell
this gonna be good.

Well, everybody knows that
water evaporates when heated,

so I figured if I just stayed
somewhere hot,

then the excess water would
evaporate away.

And what's
a ready source of heat?

Ooh! [MIMICS BUZZER]
Fire... The sun, an oven.

Cow dung.

[LAUGHS] Even better.
Mmm, go on.

Yeah, so I jumped into
a big pile of cow dung

and I buried myself
up to my neck in it.

Ah, hence the phew-ee.

But unfortunately I forgot
to bring any water,

so I just got
hotter and hotter and...

Yes?

And eventually died
from heat exhaustion.

[LAUGHING]

You were baked
alive in a giant cowpat.

Your cure stinks
and so do you, Stinkitus.

Heraclitus!

Whatever.

You're through
to the afterlife.
Off you go.

Am I?

Get out before I
change my mind.

Sorry.

Phew-ee.
Sometimes I love this job.
I do, I do.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next
time it's not you #

Hoo-hoo.

WOMAN: The ancient
Greeks believed that

the dead went to
the underworld,

and the gates
of the underworld

were guarded by a massive dog
called Cerberus.

But what was
unusual about Cerberus?
Did he have...

A, three heads?
B, three tails?
Or C, 16 legs?

The answer is "A".

Cerberus had three heads.

Yes, the Greeks had some
very strange beliefs.

Evil spirits,
what a nightmare!

You know what I'm on about.

I mean,
keeping your ancestors'
dead bodies in a jar is great,

but what happens
if their spirits escape?

Oh, clumsy.

Before you know it,
an evil spirit has
entered your house

and started spreading
illness and disease.

That's why you
need Evil Spirit
Prevention Door-frame Tar.

Give the doorframe
a nice thick coat of
yucky, sticky tar.

Then just watch as
those evil spirits

get stuck to it again
and again and again.

NARRATOR:
Tackle your demons with

Evil Spirit
Prevention Door-frame Tar.

It does exactly what
it says on the jar.

We ancient Greeks were
quite superstitious.

We believed in
ghosts and horoscopes,

and that the gods
decided our fate.

We thought the gods spoke
through oracles

and so we could
learn about the future.

How may I help you, my son?

Hello. Um,
I'm hoping to seek counsel
from the Oracle of Delphi.

Ah,
you wish to know the future?

Well, I'm, uh, Aeschylus,
the playwright.

You might recognise me.

Well, anyway,
I've just written a new play,

and I just want to know
if it's gonna be
a success or not.

Ah, well, don't you worry,

it is the Oracle's
greatest pleasure to relieve

the good people of Greece
of the burden of uncertainty.

Excellent. Great.
So is it just through here?

And there are certain
administrative expenses

associated with the management
of a good oracle.

Yes, of course.
[CHUCKLES] There we go.

And there's water
and heating funds...

Okay, um...

And then there's, uh,
temple maintenance as well.

Don't know if you
noticed the roof.

Okay.

The Oracle awaits you.

-Thank you.
-Enter.

Oh, great and wise Oracle,
will you please
ask the god Apollo

what the fates
have in store for me?

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[SPEAKING
HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH]

The Oracle
speaks in the strange
language of the gods,

but we do provide
a translation service.

Really?

At a very reasonable price.

Yeah, okay.

It's... Thank you.

She says you will
spend a lot of money.

But that is
what I'm doing now.

I want to know
what's gonna happen
in the future.

Is my play gonna be a success?
Will you...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Do you require
additional
translation services?

Um, yeah, right.

She says beware the tortoise.

Really?
Beware of the tortoise.

Well,
I could, I could lie, but...

That's good.
That's really
excellent actually.

Don't shoot the messenger,
mate.

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Yeah, same to you.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Honestly,
he didn't even leave a tip.

Oh,
it's absolutely ridiculous.
What was I thinking?

Beware the tortoise!
I mean it's just...

Oh, she's good. She's...

It's true,
Aeschylus really was killed

when an eagle
dropped a tortoise
on his head.

The bird thought
his shiny bald patch
was a rock

and tried to use
it to smash open
the tortoise's shell.

And that's
the story of the tortoise
and the no-hair.

Boo! Get him off.
Even I'm heckling meself. Mmm.

[NARRATOR READING]

After the English Civil War,
Oliver Cromwell ruled England

and he disapproved of
just about anything fun.

# On the first
day of Christmas
my true love said to me... #

BOTH: Cousin Ollie!

Merry Christmas, old bean.

Oh, relatives!
How did you get
past the guards?

Well,
we just thought we'd pop by

to wish you
a very merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

I'm a Puritan,
I don't celebrate Christmas.

In fact, I've had it banned.

Well,
you won't say no to a spot of
Christmas dinner, will you?

-We've brought you a goose.
-Guards!

What are you doing?

Christmas dinner is banned.

It's simple.
I've ordered the army
to confiscate all roast geese.

-Guards!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We'll lose the goose.
We'll lose the goose.
It's fine.

Um, why don't we all
go down the pub or something?

-Guards!
- What now?

Pubs are banned.
They are sinful.

Fine. Fine.
Why don't we all
go to the theatre?

Guards!

Let me guess, banned.

Yes, it's sinful.

All right. All right.

Well,
why don't we all go and have

a festive kick
about in the park?

Guards!

Oh what?
You can't ban sport, it's...

Sinful!

You have to understand,
these frivolous events

distract us Puritans
from our devotion to Christ.

Well, we have to do something.
I mean, Lucy's all made up.

With make-up?

Yes.

Guards!

Oh, come on!

Make-up is sinful. Especially
that eye shadow with that top.

-What?
[CLEARS THROAT] Nothing.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

Why don't we all go to church?
I mean,
church isn't sinful, is it?

No, of course not.

Well,
then, let's all go to church.

Guard! Seize them.

It's against
the law to go to church
on Christmas Day.

Take these sinners to prison.

-But... What?
-What?

Wait.

Yes?

-Happy Christmas.
-Oh.

Now, lock 'em up
and throw away the key.

Oliver Cromwell really did ban
pretty much
anything that was fun.

Even Christmas, yeah.

Though secretly,
he still liked
music and smoking.

So Christmas was sinful,
but smoking was okay.

What a weirdo! Hmm.

No wonder
everyone wanted a king
back on the throne.

# My name is

# My name is

# My name is Charles II

# I love the people
and the people love me

# So much that they restored
the English monarchy

# I'm part Scottish,
French, Italian,
a little bit Dane

# But 100% party animal
Champagne!

# Spaniels I adored,
named after me, too

# Like me they were fun
with a nutty hairdo

# Is today my birthday?
I can't recall

# Let's have a party anyway

# Because I love a masked ball

# All hail the king of bling

# Let's sing,
bells ring, ding, ding

# I'm the king
who brought back partying

# King Charles, my daddy,
lost his throne
and kings were banned

# They chopped off his head

# Then Ollie
Cromwell ruled the land

# Old Ollie wasn't jolly

# He was glum and he was proud

# Would be miserable as sin
Only sinning's not allowed

# When Ollie died,
the people said,
"Charlie, me hearty

# "Get rid of his dull laws,
come back, we'd rather party"

# This action's
what they called
the Monarchy Restoration

# Which
naturally was followed by
a huge celebration

# The King of England
# Couldn't say

# No sin to sing
# Okay

# Or anything

# All say I'm the king
who brought back partying

# Great London Fire was
a whopper in my reign

# London City came a cropper

# So this king did
what was right and proper

# For the fire proved
I'm more than a pauper

# I'm a fire-stopper

# Married Catherine Braganza,
she was a love so true

# There would never be another
Well, maybe one or two

# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwyn,
Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

# You think that's bad,
but her name's
not as silly as...

# Hortense Mancini

# As King I must admit

# I broke the wedding rules

# But who cares
when I brought
back the crown jewels

# I reinstated Christmas,
make-up,
sport and even plays

# I was the merry monarch
They were good old days

# When said and done

# King Charles did run
# That's me

# England for fun

# I was the king
loved by everyone

# My song is done #

Party anyone?

[NARRATOR READING]

WOMAN: True or false?

Queen
Cleopatra's first marriage
was to a 12-year-old.

It's true.

And he was also her brother.

In fact, she married
two of her brothers,

dated one Roman general
and married another,

all of whom came
to sticky ends.

So, basically Cleo
was a real love rat.

[CHUCKLES] And not
in a good way, hmm.

Getting close to Cleo was
a dangerous business.

If ancient Egyptians had
had the internet,

you wouldn't have wanted to be
her online friend.
Just imagine!

[VOCALISING]

Mark Antony has accepted me
as a friend on Mummy-bo,
excellent.

Thanks for the...
Add smiley hieroglyphic.

-[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]
-Huh! It's him.

Hail Queen Cleopatra.

Hail yourself.

Yeah, I was just looking at
your Mummy-bo profile,

and I couldn't help but notice
you haven't got many friends.

Yeah,
well, I did have my sister,
Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,

but she died
in suspicious circumstances,

and my other sister,
Pharaoh Berenice IV,

but she was executed.

Then there were
my half brothers,
Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,

and Pharaoh
Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.

Sounds like being on
the throne in Egypt

is a pretty
dangerous job, Cleo.

Do you never get scared?

[LAUGHS] Oh,
no, no, no, I'll be fine.

I just need a powerful Roman
to stand alongside me.

Oh, what, like Caesar?
Didn't you date him?

-Yeah.
-Now he's dead.

Yeah. Uh, about that,
there's now a vacancy,

so do you wanna
go out with me?

No.

Oh, please, please,
please, please, please.

I'll put you on my
top 10 friends list.

Oh, okay. In for a denarius,
in for a sestertius.

[LAUGHS]

More like a top
two friends list.
Who's this other one?

Oh, yeah,
that's my sister Arsinoe.

At last,
a member of your family
who isn't dead.

Mmm, about that.

Cleo!

Yeah, the thing is,
she's the last
threat to my throne,

so I need to
have Arsinoe killed.

You don't mind
if I put your name

on the assassination warrant,
do you?

Um...

Please, please,
please, please, please.

Oh, okay.

There we go. Nasty business,
but had to be done.

Now you and me can rule
the Egyptian Empire in peace.

Right, great.

[BEEPS]

Oh. Oh, what was that noise?

Did something go wrong?

Oh, yeah.

It says there's a problem
with the transaction.

I probably just need to update
my Papyruspal account.

Oh!

What, what is it?

Yeah.

Turns out Arsinoe
was on the steps of

a sacred temple
when you murdered her.

When I murdered her?

Rome is up in arms.
We're in big trouble.

What are we gonna do?

Well, if we want
to die with dignity,

we'll have to kill ourselves
before the Roman
army get to us.

What? Oh,
this is most inconvenient.

-Oh, well, I suppose...
-No, no, no, wait, I...

I suppose we could pretend to
kill ourselves
and then just hide.

[GROANING] Now
you tell me, Cleo.

You are literally
the worst girlfriend
I've ever had,

and I've had some shockers.
[GROANS]

Right.
Looks like I'll have to do
the same then.

Ah, ooh.

I'll get
a poisonous snake to bite me,

I mean, that's
quite a regal way to go.

An asp! Perfect. How much?

Twenty bronze
coins for packaging?

Well, I suppose it
is quite a long tube.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome back to HH TV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live
sporting events from the past.

Let's go over to
our commentary team
live in 1805,

where the sport of
boxing is about to

undergo
an incredible transformation.

Thanks very much,
and it looks like

tonight is gonna
be a real cracker.

Let's meet the fighters.

JOHN: Yes,
first up we've
got London's finest,

the huge, the undefeated,
Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes.

Let's take a look at Tough Tom
in action.

He's a real expert
at classic Georgian
bare knuckle boxing,

where two rivals
stand stock still
and slug it out.

Yeah!

Next up it's the newcomer,

all the way from
New York in the USA,

it's
the comparatively smaller,
Bill Richmond.

Bill was born
a slave in New York, USA,

and learned his trade
boxing for entertainment

at the Duke of
Northumberland's
dinner parties.

I have to say he looks
a lot smaller than Tough Tom.

I think this is
gonna be carnage, John.

Certainly looks
that way, Steve.
Seconds out, round one.

Oh, and Tough Tom
is really fired up
for this one.

Oh, I can't watch.

[GRUNTS]

JOHN: Hold on, what was that?

It looks like Bill Richmond
has got out of the way of

one of Tough Tom's punches.

Is that allowed?

I guess.

STEVE: Oh,
and he's got out of the way
of another one.

That is extraordinary,
nobody has ever
got out of the way

in the whole
history of boxing.

Although, when you come
to think about it,

not letting your opponent
hit you in the face
is not a bad idea.

JOHN: Yeah, he's invented
a whole new technique here.

It makes you wonder why nobody
ever got out of
the way before.

Well, probably
because their heads were
mashed up by all the boxing.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
[METAL CLANGS]

-Oh!
-Ooh!

He's floored him.
He has floored him.

Oh, and it looks like Jack
"Tough Tom" Holmes
is out for the count.

You're out!

JOHN:
And Bill "Get Out Of The Way"
Richmond is the winner.

Back to the studio.

Of course, the boxing move
Bill Richmond invented

isn't really called,
"Getting out of the way."

It's now known as
the bob and weave,

and it's what all boxers do.

And some hairdressers,
come to think of it.

My mum's got a bob,
my dad's got a weave.

Georgian times
could be pretty violent,

and not just in
the boxing ring.

Thanks to several
pupil rebellions,

even going to school
could be
a hair-raising experience.

If you have any questions
while I'm showing
you around the school,

please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you, Headmaster.

Now how hard will it be
for Samuel to get in?

Well, the examination is
perfectly straightforward,

we examine your bank account,
if you've got
enough money, you're in.

And what is your
attitude to discipline?

Well,
discipline is very important
at this school.

[THUDS]

We really,
really wish we had some!

Do not throw stones
in the quadrangle!

[GUN FIRES]

Do not fire pistols
at the headmaster!

If you'd just like
to walk this way.

[GUN FIRES]

On second thought, run!

What's going on?

You know,
just a little high spirits.

[EXPLOSION]
[SCREAMING]

Must be double chemistry!

[GUN FIRES]

Who's firing pistols?
Who's throwing stones?

Not sure.
I think it's class 5B.

Schoolboys?

Yes, uh, just
a little pupil rebellion.

Rebellion?
[DISTANT YELLING]

Oh,
nothing out of the ordinary.
All the best schools have 'em.

Oi, you there!

Yes, I'm looking at you.
You're late.

Sorry, sir.

You're a bit
old to be a pupil,
are you a teacher?

No, no, Colonel Warwick,
British Army.

Headmaster always calls us in
when a rebellion
gets out of hand.

They've broken
several school rules.

I think this time
you may need bayonets.

Yes, sir. Fix bayonets!

Good luck, Colonel.
[LOUD EXPLOSION]

[SCREAMING]

Right,
that's quite enough of that.

All of you,
see me in my office!

Ah.

Ah, so hands up
if you'd like to
see the library.

BOTH: Yes, please.

Both hands. If we surrender,
they might let us
across without firing.

[GUN FIRES]
Oh!

On second thoughts,
why don't I
introduce you to matron?

# Tall tales, tragic acts
We gave you all
the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth,
no glam or glitz

We showed you
all the juicy bits

# Gory,
ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't
teach you at school

# The past is no
longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories #