Original subtitles

Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

defy description

Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

Punishments from ancient times

Rotten, Rank and ruthless

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Reigning stages Mean and Measly Middle Ages

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories

[NARRATOR READING]

Us pirates stole anything thought valuable.

Gold coins, jewellery, silk cloth, medicines, maps, sugar...

That's right, sugar!

But in 1713, one pirate stole something

even more unusual than that. [LAUGHS]

Swab the deck!

This time I've excelled myself, Fisher.

I mean other pirates have got it all wrong.

Why risk life and limb attacking ships on the high seas?

When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land.

[COWS MOOING]

Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire.

Go and check on the cows, will you?

Aye, aye, Captain.

We'll sell these cows for huge profit.

This is quite simply my best plan ever.

Oh, the cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir.

Seasick?

[GAGS] Yeah there's a lot of spewing going on down there.

I've got vomit on the walls, vomit on the ceiling,

got some vomit on me. [BELCHING]

And the stench is... Oh, no.

[BOTH V]

Well, go clean it up, man.

Aye, aye, Captain.

[GROANING] Okay, maybe this wasn't my best plan ever.

It's no good, sir. There's just too much of it.

It's like an erupting volcano of vomit down there.

I can't take this much longer.

What are we gonna do?

Over there, sir, on the horizon.

The Navy!

If they see us they'll arrest us.

We've over here.

We've over here.

Pirate Basil Hood,

I am arresting you for being a pirate.

Do you surrender to the English Navy?

I do, I do, thank you very much.

Now, please can you take us on your nice clean ship?

[COWS MOOING]

What was that?

Nothing. Just ignore it.

We'll board your ship now and surrender at once. Come on.

Stop! I definitely heard something.

No, that was Fisher's stomach, weren't it, Fisher?

[GROANING] Yep. Oh, moo, moo, ugh.

That smell!

What's that terrible awful smell?

It's...

My word! There's cattle down here

and they're puking and spewing and spewing and puking!

And... [GAGS]

[RETCHING]

This ship is disgusting. We're leaving.

And you, Hood, you're free to go

and take your vomit ship with you.

No. No, please don't leave. Please.

NAVY OFFICER: Abandon ship.

No.

Next time let's just stick to stealing treasure.

[BOTH VING AGAIN]

Oh. All those puking cows are making me feel quite sick. [GAGGING]

But it doesn't matter how sick I feel,

I'm still not gonna go and see a pirate doctor.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh, you poor thing, that looks nasty.

But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

I'll just see if there's a doctor around.

Ahh! Morning, nurse.

Morning. And you are?

One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire.

I got my chest here full of the finest pirate medicines.

Argh, seawater. Hemlock.

That's poisonous, isn't it?

Only if I don't read the instructions,

which I probably won't 'cause they're all in Latin

and I can't ready anyway. [CHUCKLES]

Right, let's have a look at ya, me young swabby.

[GRUNTS]

Argh! Touch of scurvy, eh?

Well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure.

Removes all the toxins, so it does.

I haven't got scurvy, I've just got a cut on my leg.

Ahh! Why didn't you say so? Oh, we'll have it off in no time.

-Off? -Yeah.

You don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do ya?

But it's only a little cut.

Well, better safe than sorry.

Trust me, I'm a carpenter.

A carpenter?

I thought you said you were a doctor.

We had a doctor, but he died.

He mostly just sawed off limbs anyway.

Ha! And I'm the ship's carpenter, so I know me ways about a saw.

Uh. Say, "Argh".

Ah, argh.

Argh. Ah! [LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Ah, you're a chatty one, ain't ya?

Isn't there anything you can give him

to ease the pain? Any anaesthetic?

Oh, I've never heard of 'em.

Oh, rum maybe?

Don't mind if I do.

[GROANING]

Not so fast, laddie.

Better see if he survives first.

No good wasting good rum on the dead.

PATIENT: Nurse!

The leg.

Almost finished. All we gotta do now is seal the wound.

With stitches and a clean dressing.

No, with a load of hot tar. Argh.

Ah. Ahhh!

Oh, good thinking, nurse.

Here's your new leg.

[GROANS]

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello and welcome to World War II Archer.

Today, we're joined by General Peregrine Thoroughgood

from the British Army.

Carry on.

Right. Uh, I was going to.

This week we're going to be making models of Allied tanks,

the kind that Peregrine here

actually used during the Second World War.

In fact, here's one I made earlier.

Gosh!

Ours were just like this, except bigger.

Yes, and not made of cardboard, obviously.

No, no, ours were made of cardboard.

Sorry?

Yes, yes, cardboard, rubber, bits of wood, all sorts of things.

Why on earth would you make tanks out of

cardboard and, and rubber and things?

Hmm, I thought you might ask me that.

Allow me to introduce my top military advisor,

the amazing Jasper Maskelyne.

Jasper Maskelyne, Master of Illusion, at your service.

Mr Maskelyne was the army's official magician.

Why on earth did the army need a magician?

Who better to fool the Germans than a master of illusion?

Keep it.

Yes, you see, the Germans were spying on us from their planes.

They could see where our guns and tanks were,

and from that, work out our next move.

But what if the tanks and guns they saw weren't tanks and guns at all?

What if it was just an illusion?

Fly, Cornelius, be free!

Oh, right, I see.

So you built cardboard tanks to fool the German planes?

Precisely. We even put tanks on top of jeeps

and drove them around to make it

look like the tanks were moving.

So it was all just...

An illusion. Is this your card?

Well I, I didn't actually choose it.

Take the card.

Okay.

Yes, these sorts of tactics helped us win the war.

On D-Day, when we wanted Hitler to think

we were invading France from Dover,

we built an entire fake army.

We even had fake wooden planes, like this one.

Oh, right. Well, doesn't look much like a plane from here.

Not from the ground maybe, but from the air.

Oh, I see. Very clever.

And the Americans bought an entire inflatable army.

You could say I was the first general to blow up his own army.

[LAUGHING]

I don't really get the joke.

Well, there we have it.

It turns out that cardboard tanks and wooden planes

could really be used to help win a war.

That's all we have time for this week.

So, a big thanks to my guests,

General Peregrine Thoroughgood and...

And me! Jasper Maskelyne, Master of Illusion.

Good heavens, where has he gone?

Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he?

-I mean... -Why would you do that?

-Well, uh... -Why would you...

It's not magic. I mean you've clearly

just gone down below the decks.

You've just, you've just ruined it for everyone.

That's true, cardboard and glue helped us win the war.

And paper and string was pretty useful, too.

Poor wartime families used to wrap

their children up in brown paper

to keep them snug and warm.

Now, what could possibly go wrong with that?

Hello, darling, I'm home.

Hello, love. Did you remember to send that parcel?

Yes, of course I did, darling. Ah!

And have you seen Timmy? I've no idea where he's gone.

Well, he was here earlier, playing with his teddy.

Ah. Yes, I think I know what's happened.

Darling, I'm just popping back to the post office. Uh, yes.

At least I marked him "fragile".

[NARRATOR READING]

'cause they're true Whoo!

time it's not you

Hee, hee.

Next!

Phew-ee! Oh, God, who are you?

Captain Stinky of the Stinky People?

Heraclitus, ancient Greek philosopher.

Oh, what, I stink therefore I am?

[LAUGHS] So, how did you die, Stinkitus?

Heraclitus!

Whatever.

Well, in my old age I developed an illness called dropsy,

which is where your body swells up with excess water.

But I did invent an original cure.

Oh, I can tell this gonna be good.

Well, everybody knows that water evaporates when heated,

so I figured if I just stayed somewhere hot,

then the excess water would evaporate away.

And what's a ready source of heat?

Ooh! [MIMICS BUZZER] Fire... The sun, an oven.

Cow dung.

[LAUGHS] Even better. Mmm, go on.

Yeah, so I jumped into a big pile of cow dung

and I buried myself up to my neck in it.

Ah, hence the phew-ee.

But unfortunately I forgot to bring any water,

so I just got hotter and hotter and...

Yes?

And eventually died from heat exhaustion.

[LAUGHING]

You were baked alive in a giant cowpat.

Your cure stinks and so do you, Stinkitus.

Heraclitus!

Whatever.

You're through to the afterlife. Off you go.

Am I?

Get out before I change my mind.

Sorry.

Phew-ee. Sometimes I love this job. I do, I do.

time it's not you

Add-on

WOMAN: The ancient Greeks believed that

the dead went to the underworld,

and the gates of the underworld

were guarded by a massive dog called Cerberus.

But what was unusual about Cerberus? Did he have...

A, three heads? B, three tails? Or C, 16 legs?

The answer is "A".

Cerberus had three heads.

Yes, the Greeks had some very strange beliefs.

Evil spirits, what a nightmare!

You know what I'm on about.

I mean, keeping your ancestors' dead bodies in a jar is great,

but what happens if their spirits escape?

Oh, clumsy.

Before you know it, an evil spirit has entered your house

and started spreading illness and disease.

That's why you need Evil Spirit Prevention Door-frame Tar.

Give the doorframe a nice thick coat of yucky, sticky tar.

Then just watch as those evil spirits

get stuck to it again and again and again.

NARRATOR: Tackle your demons with

Evil Spirit Prevention Door-frame Tar.

It does exactly what it says on the jar.

We ancient Greeks were quite superstitious.

We believed in ghosts and horoscopes,

and that the gods decided our fate.

We thought the gods spoke through oracles

and so we could learn about the future.

How may I help you, my son?

Hello. Um, I'm hoping to seek counsel from the Oracle of Delphi.

Ah, you wish to know the future?

Well, I'm, uh, Aeschylus, the playwright.

You might recognise me.

Well, anyway, I've just written a new play,

and I just want to know if it's gonna be a success or not.

Ah, well, don't you worry,

it is the Oracle's greatest pleasure to relieve

the good people of Greece of the burden of uncertainty.

Excellent. Great. So is it just through here?

And there are certain administrative expenses

associated with the management of a good oracle.

Yes, of course. [CHUCKLES] There we go.

And there's water and heating funds...

Okay, um...

And then there's, uh, temple maintenance as well.

Don't know if you noticed the roof.

Okay.

The Oracle awaits you.

-Thank you. -Enter.

Oh, great and wise Oracle, will you please ask the god Apollo

what the fates have in store for me?

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[SPEAKING HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH]

The Oracle speaks in the strange language of the gods,

but we do provide a translation service.

Really?

At a very reasonable price.

Yeah, okay.

It's... Thank you.

She says you will spend a lot of money.

But that is what I'm doing now.

I want to know what's gonna happen in the future.

Is my play gonna be a success? Will you...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Do you require additional translation services?

Um, yeah, right.

She says beware the tortoise.

Really? Beware of the tortoise.

Well, I could, I could lie, but...

That's good. That's really excellent actually.

Don't shoot the messenger, mate.

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Yeah, same to you.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Honestly, he didn't even leave a tip.

Oh, it's absolutely ridiculous. What was I thinking?

Beware the tortoise! I mean it's just...

Oh, she's good. She's...

It's true, Aeschylus really was killed

when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.

The bird thought his shiny bald patch was a rock

and tried to use it to smash open the tortoise's shell.

And that's the story of the tortoise and the no-hair.

Boo! Get him off. Even I'm heckling meself. Mmm.

[NARRATOR READING]

After the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell ruled England

and he disapproved of just about anything fun.

day of Christmas my true love said to me...

BOTH: Cousin Ollie!

Merry Christmas, old bean.

Oh, relatives! How did you get past the guards?

Well, we just thought we'd pop by

to wish you a very merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas.

In fact, I've had it banned.

Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?

-We've brought you a goose. -Guards!

What are you doing?

Christmas dinner is banned.

It's simple. I've ordered the army to confiscate all roast geese.

-Guards! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We'll lose the goose. We'll lose the goose. It's fine.

Um, why don't we all go down the pub or something?

-Guards! - What now?

Pubs are banned. They are sinful.

Fine. Fine. Why don't we all go to the theatre?

Guards!

Let me guess, banned.

Yes, it's sinful.

All right. All right.

Well, why don't we all go and have

a festive kick about in the park?

Guards!

Oh what? You can't ban sport, it's...

Sinful!

You have to understand, these frivolous events

distract us Puritans from our devotion to Christ.

Well, we have to do something. I mean, Lucy's all made up.

With make-up?

Yes.

Guards!

Oh, come on!

Make-up is sinful. Especially that eye shadow with that top.

-What? [CLEARS THROAT] Nothing.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

Why don't we all go to church? I mean, church isn't sinful, is it?

No, of course not.

Well, then, let's all go to church.

Guard! Seize them.

It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day.

Take these sinners to prison.

-But... What? -What?

Wait.

Yes?

-Happy Christmas. -Oh.

Now, lock 'em up and throw away the key.

Oliver Cromwell really did ban pretty much anything that was fun.

Even Christmas, yeah.

Though secretly, he still liked music and smoking.

So Christmas was sinful, but smoking was okay.

What a weirdo! Hmm.

No wonder everyone wanted a king back on the throne.

and the people love me

the English monarchy

French, Italian, a little bit Dane

Champagne!

named after me, too

with a nutty hairdo

I can't recall

bells ring, ding, ding

who brought back partying

lost his throne and kings were banned

Cromwell ruled the land

Only sinning's not allowed

the people said, "Charlie, me hearty

come back, we'd rather party"

what they called the Monarchy Restoration

naturally was followed by a huge celebration

who brought back partying

a whopper in my reign

what was right and proper

I'm more than a pauper

she was a love so true

Well, maybe one or two

Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

but her name's not as silly as...

when I brought back the crown jewels

make-up, sport and even plays

They were good old days

loved by everyone

Party anyone?

[NARRATOR READING]

WOMAN: True or false?

Queen Cleopatra's first marriage was to a 12-year-old.

It's true.

And he was also her brother.

In fact, she married two of her brothers,

dated one Roman general and married another,

all of whom came to sticky ends.

So, basically Cleo was a real love rat.

[CHUCKLES] And not in a good way, hmm.

Getting close to Cleo was a dangerous business.

If ancient Egyptians had had the internet,

you wouldn't have wanted to be her online friend. Just imagine!

[VOCALISING]

Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo, excellent.

Thanks for the... Add smiley hieroglyphic.

-[MOBILE PHONE RINGING] -Huh! It's him.

Hail Queen Cleopatra.

Hail yourself.

Yeah, I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile,

and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.

Yeah, well, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,

but she died in suspicious circumstances,

and my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,

but she was executed.

Then there were my half brothers, Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,

and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.

Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt

is a pretty dangerous job, Cleo.

Do you never get scared?

[LAUGHS] Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.

I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.

Oh, what, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?

-Yeah. -Now he's dead.

Yeah. Uh, about that, there's now a vacancy,

so do you wanna go out with me?

No.

Oh, please, please, please, please, please.

I'll put you on my top 10 friends list.

Oh, okay. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius.

[LAUGHS]

More like a top two friends list. Who's this other one?

Oh, yeah, that's my sister Arsinoe.

At last, a member of your family who isn't dead.

Mmm, about that.

Cleo!

Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne,

so I need to have Arsinoe killed.

You don't mind if I put your name

on the assassination warrant, do you?

Um...

Please, please, please, please, please.

Oh, okay.

There we go. Nasty business, but had to be done.

Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace.

Right, great.

[BEEPS]

Oh. Oh, what was that noise?

Did something go wrong?

Oh, yeah.

It says there's a problem with the transaction.

I probably just need to update my Papyruspal account.

Oh!

What, what is it?

Yeah.

Turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of

a sacred temple when you murdered her.

When I murdered her?

Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.

What are we gonna do?

Well, if we want to die with dignity,

we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman army get to us.

What? Oh, this is most inconvenient.

-Oh, well, I suppose... -No, no, no, wait, I...

I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.

[GROANING] Now you tell me, Cleo.

You are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had,

and I've had some shockers. [GROANS]

Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same then.

Ah, ooh.

I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me,

I mean, that's quite a regal way to go.

An asp! Perfect. How much?

Twenty bronze coins for packaging?

Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.

[NARRATOR READING]

Welcome back to HH TV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Let's go over to our commentary team live in 1805,

where the sport of boxing is about to

undergo an incredible transformation.

Thanks very much, and it looks like

tonight is gonna be a real cracker.

Let's meet the fighters.

JOHN: Yes, first up we've got London's finest,

the huge, the undefeated, Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes.

Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action.

He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare knuckle boxing,

where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.

Yeah!

Next up it's the newcomer,

all the way from New York in the USA,

it's the comparatively smaller, Bill Richmond.

Bill was born a slave in New York, USA,

and learned his trade boxing for entertainment

at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.

I have to say he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.

I think this is gonna be carnage, John.

Certainly looks that way, Steve. Seconds out, round one.

Oh, and Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.

Oh, I can't watch.

[GRUNTS]

JOHN: Hold on, what was that?

It looks like Bill Richmond has got out of the way of

one of Tough Tom's punches.

Is that allowed?

I guess.

STEVE: Oh, and he's got out of the way of another one.

That is extraordinary, nobody has ever got out of the way

in the whole history of boxing.

Although, when you come to think about it,

not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea.

JOHN: Yeah, he's invented a whole new technique here.

It makes you wonder why nobody ever got out of the way before.

Well, probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.

[BOTH LAUGHING] [METAL CLANGS]

-Oh! -Ooh!

He's floored him. He has floored him.

Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.

You're out!

JOHN: And Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner.

Back to the studio.

Of course, the boxing move Bill Richmond invented

isn't really called, "Getting out of the way."

It's now known as the bob and weave,

and it's what all boxers do.

And some hairdressers, come to think of it.

My mum's got a bob, my dad's got a weave.

Georgian times could be pretty violent,

and not just in the boxing ring.

Thanks to several pupil rebellions,

even going to school could be a hair-raising experience.

If you have any questions while I'm showing you around the school,

please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you, Headmaster.

Now how hard will it be for Samuel to get in?

Well, the examination is perfectly straightforward,

we examine your bank account, if you've got enough money, you're in.

And what is your attitude to discipline?

Well, discipline is very important at this school.

[THUDS]

We really, really wish we had some!

Do not throw stones in the quadrangle!

[GUN FIRES]

Do not fire pistols at the headmaster!

If you'd just like to walk this way.

[GUN FIRES]

On second thought, run!

What's going on?

You know, just a little high spirits.

[EXPLOSION] [SCREAMING]

Must be double chemistry!

[GUN FIRES]

Who's firing pistols? Who's throwing stones?

Not sure. I think it's class 5B.

Schoolboys?

Yes, uh, just a little pupil rebellion.

Rebellion? [DISTANT YELLING]

Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. All the best schools have 'em.

Oi, you there!

Yes, I'm looking at you. You're late.

Sorry, sir.

You're a bit old to be a pupil, are you a teacher?

No, no, Colonel Warwick, British Army.

Headmaster always calls us in when a rebellion gets out of hand.

They've broken several school rules.

I think this time you may need bayonets.

Yes, sir. Fix bayonets!

Good luck, Colonel. [LOUD EXPLOSION]

[SCREAMING]

Right, that's quite enough of that.

All of you, see me in my office!

Ah.

Ah, so hands up if you'd like to see the library.

BOTH: Yes, please.

Both hands. If we surrender, they might let us across without firing.

[GUN FIRES] Oh!

On second thoughts, why don't I introduce you to matron?

We gave you all the fearsome facts

no glam or glitz

We showed you all the juicy bits

ghastly, mean and cruel

teach you at school

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories