All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E01 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]-en

[NARRATOR READING]

You might think going
to a Roman
emperor's dinner party

would be fun.
Well, think again.

NARRATOR:
Four Romans, four banquets,
400 courses.

Yes,
it'sRoman Come Dine
with Me .

And tonight,
it's teenage
Emperor Elagabalus' turn

to cook for his guests.

But the young
Emperor's reputation
has some of his guests nervous

before they even arrive.

Yeah, I'm a bit scared,
to be honest,

and apparently Elagabalus is
a bit crazy.

Like a friend of
mine was invited
to one of his feasts

and he made them
eat live parrots.

Imagine trying to swallow
all those feathers,

it would make you sick
as a parrot. [SIGHS]

NARRATOR: So how is the potty
prankster planning to impress
his guests tonight?

Well, tonight I thought
I'd just do just
something really easy.

It's easy because
I'm not making it,
my slaves are. [LAUGHS]

What are you cooking?

Well, I'm going to do
camel's feet with
a scooped-out flamingo brain

-and some nice stuffed snails.
-Oh.

Then we've got
the sows udders,
got the jellyfish,

I'm going to do a dormouse
which is rolled in seed...

And I've got a jackdaws,
I've got horsemeat sausages,

and rotten fish gut and of
course peas with little
nuggets of gold.

That sounds like
a really nice starter.
What's the main?

NARRATOR: Agrippina is the
first to arrive and
there's a shock in store.

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHS] Don't tread in those.

Those are
the guts of some people
I had had sacrificed earlier.

-Ugh.
-Yeah,
they're to tell the future.

And the guts say...

My pudding is going to be so
scrummy you won't
literally believe it.

NARRATOR: Elagabalus goes
to check on the food

while the rest of his guests
have a snoop round the palace.

I wonder what's in here?

No, no, no, don't go in there.
Please don't go in there.

Oh, come on. [LAUGHS]
It can't be that bad.

[SCREAMING, LION ROARING]

MAN: There's a lion!
There's a lion in here!

[LAUGHING] I hid
a lion in there.

Random.

NARRATOR: The guests who
survived the lion join
their host for dinner.

Tuck in.

[GROANING] That's rock hard.

That's because it is rock.

I gave you both
bits of wax and stone

that are made to
look like food,
while I get the real food,

which is actually really nice.

Mmm.
How mad am I? How mad am I?
[LAUGHS] Eat it.

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

NARRATOR:
Time for some scores.

Well, I slipped on human guts,

I, uh, was attacked by a lion
and I was forced to eat rocks.

So I'm going to give
him a two out of...

If you give me a bad score,
I'll have you executed, so...

-So I'm going to
give him X out of X.
-Sweet!

And I got you a doggy bag
because I'm so generous.

-Thank you.
-It's an actual dead dog.
[LAUGHS]

I'm so random.
Stay in touch, yeah?

That's 100% accu-rat.

Elagabalus really was
one extreme prankster.

I mean, hiding
lions around the house.

What's wrong with good old
itching powder and
whoopee cushions?

[FARTS] Oh! that wasn't me.

That was Marcus, my pet flea.

He's like
an all-in-one itching power
and whoopee cushion. [STRAINS]

[FARTS] Oh, Marcus!
Oh, I do apologise.

[NARRATOR READING]

Walsingham,
what happened to you?

The Queen threw
a slipper at me, again.

What did you do this time?

I told her she
had a short temper.

You idiot,
you know that makes her angry.

I know. Have you finished
her portrait yet?

Mmm, it's getting there
but I'm petrified.

What if she doesn't like it?

You'd better hope
she's in a good mood.

-Is she ever?
-No.

QUEEN: [SHOUTING]
Where's my portrait?

Oh, I can't look.
It's grotesque.

The hideous nose,
rotten teeth and
pockmarked skin.

Walsingham,
have that man relieved
of the burden of his head.

Ma'am,
you're looking into a mirror.

Oh.

This is the portrait.

Ah.

Petite nose, perfect teeth,
porcelain skin.

Why, however did you manage
to capture my good looks?

Well, my lady, I just did an
exact copy of the only
portrait you ever liked.

As per your orders.

Splendid, do me another,

and see if you can capture
my regal beauty again.

I think it looks
nothing like her.

QUEEN: I heard that.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is B!

The pie was made
out of her two sons.

Yes, Shakespeare wrote
some truly
unforgettable things.

May we have our next
contestant, please?

Hello, your name, please.

-William Shakespeare.
-And your occupation.

One that doth make words
to dance upon the page

and thence into
the ear of the throng.

I'm sorry, I don't quite...

I write plays.

Right, well,
why didn't you just say so?

And your chosen
specialised subject.

Phrases what I made up.

William Shakespeare,
you have two minutes

on "Phrases what you made up",

starting from now.

"To be or not to be,
that is the question."

-I know it is.
-I'm sorry?

I know that's the question,
you just asked me it.

No, the question is
did you make it up?

You just said the question was
"To be or not to be."

No. "To be or not to be,
that is
the question" is the question.

Oh, yes, I see.
Yes, I did make that up.

Correct. "Good riddance."

I've only just arrived.

No, did you invent the phrase
"good riddance"?

Yes, I did.

Correct. "Heart of gold."

Oh, thank you,
that's very flattering.

No, were you the first person
to use the phrase
"heart of gold"?

-Yes, I was.
-Correct.

-"Dead as a doornail."
-Oh, yes, that is one of mine.

Henry VI, Part II, the sequel.

Correct. "Wild goose chase."

Oh, yes, that's mine.
Are they still using that?

They are indeed. Correct.

"Knock, knock, who's there?"

No, that's wrong. You say,
"Knock, knock" then I say,
"Who's there?"

-No, did you invent it?
-What?

-"Knock, knock..."
-Who's there?

-No!
-No who?

No. Did you come
up with the phrase
"knock, knock, who's there"?

-Yes I did.
-Correct. [SIGHS]

For goodness sake.

-Oh, that's one of mine, too.
-Correct.

-All the world's a...
-[MUSIC PLAYS]

-I've started so I'll finish.
-No, that's one of yours.

Correct. William Shakespeare,
at the end of that round,

you have scored eight points.

Sorry, is this what you do
for entertainment nowadays?

Yes, it is, yes.

I think I prefer the theatre.

Hmm, "I think I
prefer the theatre".

-Get out of the chair now.
-Okay.

[NARRATOR READING]

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an advertising intermission
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NARRATOR: Warning, Incan Hole
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If you think keeping your kids
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Then just wash your hair
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Here's the sciency bit.

NARRATOR:
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NARRATOR: Available in all
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Bucket not included.

[NARRATOR READING]

So,
welcome to Badminton House.

I thought we'd take tea
here in the gallery,

-home to our fine
collection of...
-[RACQUET HITTING BALL]

-Home to our fine
collection of art.
-[RACQUET HITTING BALL]

[VASE SHATTERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Home to what was
our fine collection of art

and also sadly
home to my husband,
the Duke of Beaufort,

a keen tennis player.

Hello. [GRUNTS]

Darling, can you please not
play tennis in the gallery.

Of course, dear, of course.
Uh...

What would you like me
to play? Football?

Thank you, Thompkins. [GRUNTS]

-[CERAMIC SHATTERING]
-Darling!

All right, how about rugby?

Thank you.

-[GLASS SHATTERING]
-Darling!

-A touch of boxing?
-No!

There must be
some sort of sport
you can play indoors

without smashing things up.

Well, there's always Poona.

"Poona"? Sounds even messier.
[LAUGHING]

Oh, no, I've just come back
from India and Poona is
a game they play there,

like tennis but with a
shuttlecock,

and it's perfectly
safe to play indoors.

Go on, try it.

Well, Poona it is, then.

Anyone for Poona? [LAUGHS]

Oh, darling,
do stop saying "Poona".

Can't they think of a less
smelly name for it?

Yes, good idea.
What can we call this game

that we first played here
in Badminton House?

I know,
something that would link it
evermore to Badminton House.

Badminton House...

I've got it,
we can call it House.

Or Badminton.

[LAUGHING] What
a ridiculous suggestion.

Who's ever heard
of a game called Badminton?

Honestly.

[SNEEZES, VASE SHATTERS]

Oh, darling.

Excuse me.

[NARRATOR READING]

Yes, apparently
the 8th Earl of Bridgewater

used to have dinner parties
where the only guests
were his pet dogs.

Sounds to me like the man
was out of his mind.

Wouldn't you agree,
Mr Gibbons?

[MONKEYS CHATTERING]

Well, I'll take that as a yes.

Still,
one shouldn't really judge,
I suppose.

I have some rather strange
dinner guests
myself this evening.

Of course,
the vicar hasn't arrived yet.

[SCREECHING]

I know,
I know, but don't worry,
he won't stay for long.

For some reason,
he doesn't like
the live snakes

I have wrapped
round the banisters.

[HISSING]

All right, let's get started,
I'm starving.

[CHATTERS]

Yes,
the soup is hot, isn't it?

I say, Mr Chimpington,
could you pass
me a bread roll?

[MONKEY GRUNTS]

Mr Chimpington,
that is not how we pass a...
[GRUNTS]

And I very much hope
that was one of
Cook's brownies.

Really now, we're not animals.

[MONKEYS SCREECHING]

That's all true.

The 2nd Baron Rothschild
really did have dinner parties

with monkeys. And snakes
wrapped around his banisters.
[CHUCKLES]

He also had
a carriage drawn by,
wait for it, zebras! Yeah!

Really, he did,
look it up in a history book.

It's all there in
black and white.

And black and white,
and black and white,

and black and white,
and black and white. [LAUGHS]

Some Victorians really
were very eccentric.

Don't like them. No, no. Next!

[CLEARS THROAT] And you are?

Bobby Leach,
a famous Victorian
daredevil and stuntman.

[LAUGHING] I love it
when stuntmen come through,

they always have
the most stupid deaths.

Go on, then, spill the beans.

Well, I was fearless.
There was
nothing I wouldn't do.

So I decided to go
over Niagara Falls
in a barrel.

And you died! Ha, you idiot!

No, no, no, I survived.

I had a few injuries,
but I made a full recovery.

Oh, that's a shame.

So then I decided
to swim the rapids
at the Niagara whirlpool.

And then you died! I bet you
did. You did, didn't you?
I bet you did.

No, no,
no, no, I had to get rescued,
so then I tried it again...

-And then you drowned.
-No, then I was rescued again

-and I got
rescued the third time.
-Business, ridiculous.

So I decided to go
on a tour of the world

and display my
Niagara Falls barrel
to the paying crowd,

and I ended up in New Zealand.
And that's where I died.

By swimming over
a waterfall blindfolded!

No, I slipped on an orange
peel, broke my leg and
died of gangrene.

[GUFFAWS] By
slipping on an orange peel.
You lemon.

Oh, uh, yes, uh...
That's three yeses.

You're through
to the afterlife.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Toodle pip!

Hey, mind how you go.

[LAUGHS] Sorry.

I'm on form, aren't I?

[NARRATOR READING]

Everyone knows that Guy Fawkes
tried to blow up Parliament

on November the 5th.

But did you know that he was
just one member of
a much bigger gang?

In fact, there were 13
of them all together.

Come on, Fawkes,
you couldn't have
done this alone.

Who was in your gang?

I'll never tell you.

Oh, we'll see about that.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-What?
-What?

-No, you don't laugh, I laugh.
-Oh.

NARRATOR: It was the plot
that seemed unthinkable.

[NARRATOR READING]

So we're going to
blow up King James
and his entire family

at the state
opening of Parliament?

-That's right.
-Any reason or just for fun?

[NARRATOR READING]

Because you're a Catholic
and I'm a Catholic

and the King hates Catholics.

He seems to think we're
always plotting something.

As if.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: It was the plot
that sounded impossible...

[NARRATOR READING]

So we're just supposed
to row 36 barrels of gunpowder

down the Thames,

sneak it into
this rented cellar,

wait for Parliament to open,
then I creep back in,

light the fuse, run away
and blow up the King,

-and all without
getting caught?
-Yes.

Okay, just checking
I had that down right.

NARRATOR: It was the plot
that would surely go wrong.

So I've persuaded
12 guys altogether.

That ought to do it,
don't you think?

-Do you think
we need one more?
-Couldn't hurt.

I'll get one more.
Um, excuse me.

Would you like to be in a plot
to blow up Parliament?

Oh, yes, why not?
I'll just check my diary.

-When were you thinking?
-November the 5th?

-Yeah, I'm free.
-Fabulous!

Well, that's 13, then.

Hang on,
isn't 13 an unlucky number?

Oh, don't worry,
I'm sure it'll go
off without a hitch.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hang on, my brother-in-law's
due in Parliament on
November the 5th.

I'll just send him a quick
letter telling him to
take the day off.

I'm sure he won't tell anyone.

NARRATOR: It was the plot...

Three, two, one.

-NARRATOR: ...that went wrong.
-Oh.

NARRATOR:
Horribly, horribly wrong.

[NARRATOR READING]

What letter?
What idiot sends a letter?

Oh, no.

NARRATOR: Failing to explode
on November 5, 1605.

You're going to be hung,
drawn and quartered.

-Gutted!
-You will be.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is C.

The bodies were preserved in
tar and sent to
the west of England

as a warning to
other would-be rebels.

Stuart punishments could be
really gruesome.

Will! Will Prin.
What happened to you?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

King Charles I had my ears
cut off for being rude
about the theatre.

-Pardon?
-What?

I can't hear you.

I had my ears cut off for
writing a book that
upset the government.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry?

I said the King
had my ears cut off
a few years ago

for being rude
about the theatre.

And when I was rude
about some
bishops the other day,

he had me branded
on the cheek, too.

Ooh, that looks nasty,
how did you get that?

-Pardon?
-I'm sorry?

-What?
-Listen, I can't hear you.

I had my ears nailed
to a piece of wood,

then cut off and left there.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Pardon?
-Pardon?

-Come again?
-For writing a book

the government didn't like.

I'll show you if you like,
you can still
see one over there.

-Look, there's
an ear nailed to a post.
-Pardon?

-I wonder how it got there?
-I'm sorry?

An ear.

-What?
-Hold on, I've got an idea.

Can you hear me now?

It's no good talking to him,
he's as deaf as a post.

Sorry?

I made a joke.

Pardon?

-I'm sorry?
-What?

Come again?

-Strange man.
-What a weirdo.

[NARRATOR READING]

While the regular army
was away in
Europe fighting Hitler,

Britain had a Home Guard
made up of all the men

who had to stay at home
but still wanted
to do their bit.

Although the whole thing was
a bit makeshift.

So, General,

if we are to defend Britain
against a German invasion,

then every man
in the Home Guard
must be armed.

But sir, the regular army need
all our guns.

All the same.
Every man in the Home Guard

must be armed with
some kind of weapon,
even if it be an ancient one,

like a pike.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

There we are, sir,
I've had 250,000 pikes made.

You've done what?

General, I said
a weapon "like a pike".

I didn't
literally mean a pike.
Pike was just an example.

-Oh.
-Honestly.

If I told you to go
and jump off a cliff,

-would you
-[DOOR CLOSING]

He's gone to jump off a cliff.

[NARRATOR READING]

Your chance to protect Britain
from a German invasion

by joining
the British Home Guard.

FEMALE GAME VOICE:
Select player.

NARRATOR: Choose
from men who can't join
the regular armed forces.

FEMALE GAME VOICE:
70-year-old man.

Baker needed at
home to bake bread.

Man who's lost some toes.

Baker selected. Select weapon.

NARRATOR: All the proper
weapons have been taken by
the regular armed forces.

So you have to
choose from what's left.

FEMALE GAME VOICE:
Cutlass, golf club,

blunderbuss,
kitchen knife taped
to a pole.

Blunderbuss selected.

[SIREN WAILING]

FEMALE GAME VOICE: War begins.

NARRATOR:
Watch out for enemy troops
trying to invade.

Ow! Oi, you nincompoop!

I'm not the enemy,
I'm British.

NARRATOR: Watch out for spies,
trust no one.

What on earth are you doing?
I'm a real nun.

NARRATOR: And do be careful
you don't shoot yourself

with your out-of-date weapon.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

NARRATOR: Yes, the Home Guard
never shot a German

because the Germans
never actually invaded.

Operation Defend Britain,
join the Home Guard.

WOMAN:
Players should be 17 or over
or should lie about their age.

That's 100% accu-rat.

And despite the fact that
the Germans never
invaded Britain,

lots of Home Guard volunteers
were, in fact, injured.

All the injuries you are
about to see are genuine

and they're taken from
the Durham Home
Guard accident book.

[CHUCKLES] No, really.

Attention! Durham Home Guard,
prepare for roll call.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Volunteer Birtwhistle.

-Present, sir.
-Excellent.

Volunteer Davidson.

No Davidson?

He's in hospital,
sir, he's got injured.
He got shot in the arm, sir.

-By the enemy?
-No,
sir, by another volunteer.

Right. Volunteer Fraser.

Injured, shot in the leg, sir.

By another volunteer?

No, sir, by himself.
His gun went off by mistake.

Oh. Jenkins?

Got knocked off
a bike by a dog.

[CLEARS THROAT] Simpson.

Injured himself in gym
practice, sir, tripped over a
mat, smashed his face.

-Skellon?
-Fractured ankle, sir.

At the same gym practice?

No, sir, no. A table collapsed
on him during a lecture.

How is the Home Guard
supposed to defend Britain

from an attack from Germany
if we're all injured?

I mean, it's extraordinary!

Sorry I'm late.

Volunteer Thompkins
reporting for duty, sir.

Good heavens, Thompkins,

what on earth have you done
to yourself, man?

Oh, I sliced
the top of my finger off

when I was
adjusting the chin strap
on my helmet, sir.

-So...
-Right, well.

It's a good job that today
I shall be giving you all

a demonstration on first aid.

BOTH: Yes!

-So I need a volunteer.
Um, Birtwhistle.
-Yes, sir.

-Lie on the floor,
there's a good chap.
-Sir.

BIRTWHISTLE: Oh! Ow!

Good heavens,
man, what have you done?

It's all right,
it's nothing to
worry about, sir.

It's just a massive splinter.
[WHIMPERS]

Right, well, hang on there,
I'll come and help you.

Now, let's have
a look at that. [GROANS]

Oh, oh, no.

I think I've severed
a tendon in my back.
It's gone.

It really has gone.
Don't just stand there,
Thompkins!

-Phone an ambulance, man.
-Right away, sir.

I think it's gone through
to the bone, sir.

-All right, well, don't panic.
-[GROANING]

-Okay, okay, here we go.
-Ow!

Oh, me finger.

I definitely think I need
some kind of doctor.

-Lend us a hand, sir.
-No, Thompkins. [GRUNTING]

-Ah, now me foot's stuck!
-Well, my back's gone.

[ALL GROANING]

[NARRATOR READING]

When we sailed to new lands,

we Vikings had some pretty
cunning ways of navigating.

Come on,
we must be close to land.

-What are you doing?
-What? Nothing.

-Are we lost?
-[SCOFFS] Don't be silly.

You're supposed
to be navigating.

If you've got us lost again,
the Captain's going
to cut your arms off

and feed them to the sharks.

Look,
we're not lost, all right?

That's the sea
and that's the sky, all right?

And we're in between them,
on the sea and
underneath the sky,

which is exactly
where I thought we'd be.

Look at me.

Are we lost?

[WHISPERS] Yes.

Right, I thought so.

Good thing I
brought this then, innit?

-What's in there?
-A raven.

[LAUGHS] We're in the middle
of the sea,
what use is a bird?

It's the latest Viking trick.

This raven is very hungry.

When I let it out of the box,
it will soar up into the sky

and if it sees land, it will
fly straight for it
looking for food.

All we have to do is follow.

Sat Rav.
Wow, what a good idea.

We'll find land in no time.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

Fly, raven, fly!

I think it's a bit too hungry.

Yeah, I probably should have
fed it a little something.

It's true, Vikings really did
sometimes use
ravens to find land.

But at night, they navigated
by the stars.

Take a left at Britney Spears
and a right after Angelina
Jolie. [LAUGHS]

Play that axe, Ragnar.