Original subtitles

gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories

[NARRATOR READING]

You might think going to a Roman emperor's dinner party

would be fun. Well, think again.

NARRATOR: Four Romans, four banquets, 400 courses.

Yes, it'sRoman Come Dine with Me .

And tonight, it's teenage Emperor Elagabalus' turn

to cook for his guests.

But the young Emperor's reputation has some of his guests nervous

before they even arrive.

Yeah, I'm a bit scared, to be honest,

and apparently Elagabalus is a bit crazy.

Like a friend of mine was invited to one of his feasts

and he made them eat live parrots.

Imagine trying to swallow all those feathers,

it would make you sick as a parrot. [SIGHS]

NARRATOR: So how is the potty prankster planning to impress his guests tonight?

Well, tonight I thought I'd just do just something really easy.

It's easy because I'm not making it, my slaves are. [LAUGHS]

What are you cooking?

Well, I'm going to do camel's feet with a scooped-out flamingo brain

-and some nice stuffed snails. -Oh.

Then we've got the sows udders, got the jellyfish,

I'm going to do a dormouse which is rolled in seed...

And I've got a jackdaws, I've got horsemeat sausages,

and rotten fish gut and of course peas with little nuggets of gold.

That sounds like a really nice starter. What's the main?

NARRATOR: Agrippina is the first to arrive and there's a shock in store.

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHS] Don't tread in those.

Those are the guts of some people I had had sacrificed earlier.

-Ugh. -Yeah, they're to tell the future.

And the guts say...

My pudding is going to be so scrummy you won't literally believe it.

NARRATOR: Elagabalus goes to check on the food

while the rest of his guests have a snoop round the palace.

I wonder what's in here?

No, no, no, don't go in there. Please don't go in there.

Oh, come on. [LAUGHS] It can't be that bad.

[SCREAMING, LION ROARING]

MAN: There's a lion! There's a lion in here!

[LAUGHING] I hid a lion in there.

Random.

NARRATOR: The guests who survived the lion join their host for dinner.

Tuck in.

[GROANING] That's rock hard.

That's because it is rock.

I gave you both bits of wax and stone

that are made to look like food, while I get the real food,

which is actually really nice.

Mmm. How mad am I? How mad am I? [LAUGHS] Eat it.

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

NARRATOR: Time for some scores.

Well, I slipped on human guts,

I, uh, was attacked by a lion and I was forced to eat rocks.

So I'm going to give him a two out of...

If you give me a bad score, I'll have you executed, so...

-So I'm going to give him X out of X. -Sweet!

And I got you a doggy bag because I'm so generous.

-Thank you. -It's an actual dead dog. [LAUGHS]

I'm so random. Stay in touch, yeah?

That's 100% accu-rat.

Elagabalus really was one extreme prankster.

I mean, hiding lions around the house.

What's wrong with good old itching powder and whoopee cushions?

[FARTS] Oh! that wasn't me.

That was Marcus, my pet flea.

He's like an all-in-one itching power and whoopee cushion. [STRAINS]

[FARTS] Oh, Marcus! Oh, I do apologise.

[NARRATOR READING]

Walsingham, what happened to you?

The Queen threw a slipper at me, again.

What did you do this time?

I told her she had a short temper.

You idiot, you know that makes her angry.

I know. Have you finished her portrait yet?

Mmm, it's getting there but I'm petrified.

What if she doesn't like it?

You'd better hope she's in a good mood.

-Is she ever? -No.

QUEEN: [SHOUTING] Where's my portrait?

Oh, I can't look. It's grotesque.

The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pockmarked skin.

Walsingham, have that man relieved of the burden of his head.

Ma'am, you're looking into a mirror.

Oh.

This is the portrait.

Ah.

Petite nose, perfect teeth, porcelain skin.

Why, however did you manage to capture my good looks?

Well, my lady, I just did an exact copy of the only portrait you ever liked.

As per your orders.

Splendid, do me another,

and see if you can capture my regal beauty again.

I think it looks nothing like her.

QUEEN: I heard that.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is B!

The pie was made out of her two sons.

Yes, Shakespeare wrote some truly unforgettable things.

May we have our next contestant, please?

Hello, your name, please.

-William Shakespeare. -And your occupation.

One that doth make words to dance upon the page

and thence into the ear of the throng.

I'm sorry, I don't quite...

I write plays.

Right, well, why didn't you just say so?

And your chosen specialised subject.

Phrases what I made up.

William Shakespeare, you have two minutes

on "Phrases what you made up",

starting from now.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."

-I know it is. -I'm sorry?

I know that's the question, you just asked me it.

No, the question is did you make it up?

You just said the question was "To be or not to be."

No. "To be or not to be, that is the question" is the question.

Oh, yes, I see. Yes, I did make that up.

Correct. "Good riddance."

I've only just arrived.

No, did you invent the phrase "good riddance"?

Yes, I did.

Correct. "Heart of gold."

Oh, thank you, that's very flattering.

No, were you the first person to use the phrase "heart of gold"?

-Yes, I was. -Correct.

-"Dead as a doornail." -Oh, yes, that is one of mine.

Henry VI, Part II, the sequel.

Correct. "Wild goose chase."

Oh, yes, that's mine. Are they still using that?

They are indeed. Correct.

"Knock, knock, who's there?"

No, that's wrong. You say, "Knock, knock" then I say, "Who's there?"

-No, did you invent it? -What?

-"Knock, knock..." -Who's there?

-No! -No who?

No. Did you come up with the phrase "knock, knock, who's there"?

-Yes I did. -Correct. [SIGHS]

For goodness sake.

-Oh, that's one of mine, too. -Correct.

-All the world's a... -[MUSIC PLAYS]

-I've started so I'll finish. -No, that's one of yours.

Correct. William Shakespeare, at the end of that round,

you have scored eight points.

Sorry, is this what you do for entertainment nowadays?

Yes, it is, yes.

I think I prefer the theatre.

Hmm, "I think I prefer the theatre".

-Get out of the chair now. -Okay.

[NARRATOR READING]

WOMAN: And now on HH TV, an advertising intermission from ancient Peru.

Hi, I'm a shouty man,

and I'm here to tell you about new Incan Hole,

the incredible childcare revolution.

New Incan Hole is the simple way to keep your troublesome tots in check.

Just chuck in your child

and let those deep sides do all the hard work.

Yes, compared with level ground,

the unique raised edges of new Incan Hole

are up to a fifth percent better of keeping little ones out of trouble.

What's more, it's quick and easy to install,

and it's cheaper than a babysitter.

And with the bargain price of nothing at all,

why stop at just one Incan Hole?

With the unique dig-anywhere design, you can take your hole wherever you go.

And if you're not completely satisfied with new Incan Hole,

why not dig another one?

Try new Incan Hole today.

Dig a hole and the child is safe.

NARRATOR: Warning, Incan Hole may become Incan Paddling Pool during rainy season.

If you think keeping your kids in a hole is weird,

check out what we use to wash our hair.

INCAN WOMAN: Do you suffer from a dry, flaky scalp?

Is your hair greasy?

Does your head smell like a dead, rotting llama?

Then you need new Incan Shampee.

Yes, Shampee is a revolutionary new anti-dandruff hair wash.

Simply pee in a bucket and leave it to ferment for a week.

Then just wash your hair in the piddle pot.

The all-natural formula gets to work straight away.

Here's the sciency bit.

NARRATOR: Your pee contains urea,

a chemical that kills bacteria, fights dandruff and cleans away grease,

leaving you with shinier, healthier looking hair.

INCAN WOMAN: Incan Shampee, it's what all the Incan ladies are using.

I love it.

NARRATOR: Available in all full bladders. Bucket not included.

[NARRATOR READING]

So, welcome to Badminton House.

I thought we'd take tea here in the gallery,

-home to our fine collection of... -[RACQUET HITTING BALL]

-Home to our fine collection of art. -[RACQUET HITTING BALL]

[VASE SHATTERING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Home to what was our fine collection of art

and also sadly home to my husband, the Duke of Beaufort,

a keen tennis player.

Hello. [GRUNTS]

Darling, can you please not play tennis in the gallery.

Of course, dear, of course. Uh...

What would you like me to play? Football?

Thank you, Thompkins. [GRUNTS]

-[CERAMIC SHATTERING] -Darling!

All right, how about rugby?

Thank you.

-[GLASS SHATTERING] -Darling!

-A touch of boxing? -No!

There must be some sort of sport you can play indoors

without smashing things up.

Well, there's always Poona.

"Poona"? Sounds even messier. [LAUGHING]

Oh, no, I've just come back from India and Poona is a game they play there,

like tennis but with a shuttlecock,

and it's perfectly safe to play indoors.

Go on, try it.

Well, Poona it is, then.

Anyone for Poona? [LAUGHS]

Oh, darling, do stop saying "Poona".

Can't they think of a less smelly name for it?

Yes, good idea. What can we call this game

that we first played here in Badminton House?

I know, something that would link it evermore to Badminton House.

Badminton House...

I've got it, we can call it House.

Or Badminton.

[LAUGHING] What a ridiculous suggestion.

Who's ever heard of a game called Badminton?

Honestly.

[SNEEZES, VASE SHATTERS]

Oh, darling.

Excuse me.

[NARRATOR READING]

Yes, apparently the 8th Earl of Bridgewater

used to have dinner parties where the only guests were his pet dogs.

Sounds to me like the man was out of his mind.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr Gibbons?

[MONKEYS CHATTERING]

Well, I'll take that as a yes.

Still, one shouldn't really judge, I suppose.

I have some rather strange dinner guests myself this evening.

Of course, the vicar hasn't arrived yet.

[SCREECHING]

I know, I know, but don't worry, he won't stay for long.

For some reason, he doesn't like the live snakes

I have wrapped round the banisters.

[HISSING]

All right, let's get started, I'm starving.

[CHATTERS]

Yes, the soup is hot, isn't it?

I say, Mr Chimpington, could you pass me a bread roll?

[MONKEY GRUNTS]

Mr Chimpington, that is not how we pass a... [GRUNTS]

And I very much hope that was one of Cook's brownies.

Really now, we're not animals.

[MONKEYS SCREECHING]

That's all true.

The 2nd Baron Rothschild really did have dinner parties

with monkeys. And snakes wrapped around his banisters. [CHUCKLES]

He also had a carriage drawn by, wait for it, zebras! Yeah!

Really, he did, look it up in a history book.

It's all there in black and white.

And black and white, and black and white,

and black and white, and black and white. [LAUGHS]

Some Victorians really were very eccentric.

'cause they're true, whoo!

Hee-hee

Don't like them. No, no. Next!

[CLEARS THROAT] And you are?

Bobby Leach, a famous Victorian daredevil and stuntman.

[LAUGHING] I love it when stuntmen come through,

they always have the most stupid deaths.

Go on, then, spill the beans.

Well, I was fearless. There was nothing I wouldn't do.

So I decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

And you died! Ha, you idiot!

No, no, no, I survived.

I had a few injuries, but I made a full recovery.

Oh, that's a shame.

So then I decided to swim the rapids at the Niagara whirlpool.

And then you died! I bet you did. You did, didn't you? I bet you did.

No, no, no, no, I had to get rescued, so then I tried it again...

-And then you drowned. -No, then I was rescued again

-and I got rescued the third time. -Business, ridiculous.

So I decided to go on a tour of the world

and display my Niagara Falls barrel to the paying crowd,

and I ended up in New Zealand. And that's where I died.

By swimming over a waterfall blindfolded!

No, I slipped on an orange peel, broke my leg and died of gangrene.

[GUFFAWS] By slipping on an orange peel. You lemon.

Oh, uh, yes, uh... That's three yeses.

You're through to the afterlife.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Toodle pip!

Hey, mind how you go.

[LAUGHS] Sorry.

I'm on form, aren't I?

Add-on

[NARRATOR READING]

Everyone knows that Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament

on November the 5th.

But did you know that he was just one member of a much bigger gang?

In fact, there were 13 of them all together.

Come on, Fawkes, you couldn't have done this alone.

Who was in your gang?

I'll never tell you.

Oh, we'll see about that.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-What? -What?

-No, you don't laugh, I laugh. -Oh.

NARRATOR: It was the plot that seemed unthinkable.

[NARRATOR READING]

So we're going to blow up King James and his entire family

at the state opening of Parliament?

-That's right. -Any reason or just for fun?

[NARRATOR READING]

Because you're a Catholic and I'm a Catholic

and the King hates Catholics.

He seems to think we're always plotting something.

As if.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: It was the plot that sounded impossible...

[NARRATOR READING]

So we're just supposed to row 36 barrels of gunpowder

down the Thames,

sneak it into this rented cellar,

wait for Parliament to open, then I creep back in,

light the fuse, run away and blow up the King,

-and all without getting caught? -Yes.

Okay, just checking I had that down right.

NARRATOR: It was the plot that would surely go wrong.

So I've persuaded 12 guys altogether.

That ought to do it, don't you think?

-Do you think we need one more? -Couldn't hurt.

I'll get one more. Um, excuse me.

Would you like to be in a plot to blow up Parliament?

Oh, yes, why not? I'll just check my diary.

-When were you thinking? -November the 5th?

-Yeah, I'm free. -Fabulous!

Well, that's 13, then.

Hang on, isn't 13 an unlucky number?

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it'll go off without a hitch.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hang on, my brother-in-law's due in Parliament on November the 5th.

I'll just send him a quick letter telling him to take the day off.

I'm sure he won't tell anyone.

NARRATOR: It was the plot...

Three, two, one.

-NARRATOR: ...that went wrong. -Oh.

NARRATOR: Horribly, horribly wrong.

[NARRATOR READING]

What letter? What idiot sends a letter?

Oh, no.

NARRATOR: Failing to explode on November 5, 1605.

You're going to be hung, drawn and quartered.

-Gutted! -You will be.

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is C.

The bodies were preserved in tar and sent to the west of England

as a warning to other would-be rebels.

Stuart punishments could be really gruesome.

Will! Will Prin. What happened to you?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

King Charles I had my ears cut off for being rude about the theatre.

-Pardon? -What?

I can't hear you.

I had my ears cut off for writing a book that upset the government.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry?

I said the King had my ears cut off a few years ago

for being rude about the theatre.

And when I was rude about some bishops the other day,

he had me branded on the cheek, too.

Ooh, that looks nasty, how did you get that?

-Pardon? -I'm sorry?

-What? -Listen, I can't hear you.

I had my ears nailed to a piece of wood,

then cut off and left there.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Pardon? -Pardon?

-Come again? -For writing a book

the government didn't like.

I'll show you if you like, you can still see one over there.

-Look, there's an ear nailed to a post. -Pardon?

-I wonder how it got there? -I'm sorry?

An ear.

-What? -Hold on, I've got an idea.

Can you hear me now?

It's no good talking to him, he's as deaf as a post.

Sorry?

I made a joke.

Pardon?

-I'm sorry? -What?

Come again?

-Strange man. -What a weirdo.

[NARRATOR READING]

While the regular army was away in Europe fighting Hitler,

Britain had a Home Guard made up of all the men

who had to stay at home but still wanted to do their bit.

Although the whole thing was a bit makeshift.

So, General,

if we are to defend Britain against a German invasion,

then every man in the Home Guard must be armed.

But sir, the regular army need all our guns.

All the same. Every man in the Home Guard

must be armed with some kind of weapon, even if it be an ancient one,

like a pike.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

There we are, sir, I've had 250,000 pikes made.

You've done what?

General, I said a weapon "like a pike".

I didn't literally mean a pike. Pike was just an example.

-Oh. -Honestly.

If I told you to go and jump off a cliff,

-would you -[DOOR CLOSING]

He's gone to jump off a cliff.

[NARRATOR READING]

Your chance to protect Britain from a German invasion

by joining the British Home Guard.

FEMALE GAME VOICE: Select player.

NARRATOR: Choose from men who can't join the regular armed forces.

FEMALE GAME VOICE: 70-year-old man.

Baker needed at home to bake bread.

Man who's lost some toes.

Baker selected. Select weapon.

NARRATOR: All the proper weapons have been taken by the regular armed forces.

So you have to choose from what's left.

FEMALE GAME VOICE: Cutlass, golf club,

blunderbuss, kitchen knife taped to a pole.

Blunderbuss selected.

[SIREN WAILING]

FEMALE GAME VOICE: War begins.

NARRATOR: Watch out for enemy troops trying to invade.

Ow! Oi, you nincompoop!

I'm not the enemy, I'm British.

NARRATOR: Watch out for spies, trust no one.

What on earth are you doing? I'm a real nun.

NARRATOR: And do be careful you don't shoot yourself

with your out-of-date weapon.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

NARRATOR: Yes, the Home Guard never shot a German

because the Germans never actually invaded.

Operation Defend Britain, join the Home Guard.

WOMAN: Players should be 17 or over or should lie about their age.

That's 100% accu-rat.

And despite the fact that the Germans never invaded Britain,

lots of Home Guard volunteers were, in fact, injured.

All the injuries you are about to see are genuine

and they're taken from the Durham Home Guard accident book.

[CHUCKLES] No, really.

Attention! Durham Home Guard, prepare for roll call.

[CLEARS THROAT] Volunteer Birtwhistle.

-Present, sir. -Excellent.

Volunteer Davidson.

No Davidson?

He's in hospital, sir, he's got injured. He got shot in the arm, sir.

-By the enemy? -No, sir, by another volunteer.

Right. Volunteer Fraser.

Injured, shot in the leg, sir.

By another volunteer?

No, sir, by himself. His gun went off by mistake.

Oh. Jenkins?

Got knocked off a bike by a dog.

[CLEARS THROAT] Simpson.

Injured himself in gym practice, sir, tripped over a mat, smashed his face.

-Skellon? -Fractured ankle, sir.

At the same gym practice?

No, sir, no. A table collapsed on him during a lecture.

How is the Home Guard supposed to defend Britain

from an attack from Germany if we're all injured?

I mean, it's extraordinary!

Sorry I'm late.

Volunteer Thompkins reporting for duty, sir.

Good heavens, Thompkins,

what on earth have you done to yourself, man?

Oh, I sliced the top of my finger off

when I was adjusting the chin strap on my helmet, sir.

-So... -Right, well.

It's a good job that today I shall be giving you all

a demonstration on first aid.

BOTH: Yes!

-So I need a volunteer. Um, Birtwhistle. -Yes, sir.

-Lie on the floor, there's a good chap. -Sir.

BIRTWHISTLE: Oh! Ow!

Good heavens, man, what have you done?

It's all right, it's nothing to worry about, sir.

It's just a massive splinter. [WHIMPERS]

Right, well, hang on there, I'll come and help you.

Now, let's have a look at that. [GROANS]

Oh, oh, no.

I think I've severed a tendon in my back. It's gone.

It really has gone. Don't just stand there, Thompkins!

-Phone an ambulance, man. -Right away, sir.

I think it's gone through to the bone, sir.

-All right, well, don't panic. -[GROANING]

-Okay, okay, here we go. -Ow!

Oh, me finger.

I definitely think I need some kind of doctor.

-Lend us a hand, sir. -No, Thompkins. [GRUNTING]

-Ah, now me foot's stuck! -Well, my back's gone.

[ALL GROANING]

[NARRATOR READING]

When we sailed to new lands,

we Vikings had some pretty cunning ways of navigating.

Come on, we must be close to land.

-What are you doing? -What? Nothing.

-Are we lost? -[SCOFFS] Don't be silly.

You're supposed to be navigating.

If you've got us lost again, the Captain's going to cut your arms off

and feed them to the sharks.

Look, we're not lost, all right?

That's the sea and that's the sky, all right?

And we're in between them, on the sea and underneath the sky,

which is exactly where I thought we'd be.

Look at me.

Are we lost?

[WHISPERS] Yes.

Right, I thought so.

Good thing I brought this then, innit?

-What's in there? -A raven.

[LAUGHS] We're in the middle of the sea, what use is a bird?

It's the latest Viking trick.

This raven is very hungry.

When I let it out of the box, it will soar up into the sky

and if it sees land, it will fly straight for it looking for food.

All we have to do is follow.

Sat Rav. Wow, what a good idea.

We'll find land in no time.

-Ready? -Yeah.

Fly, raven, fly!

I think it's a bit too hungry.

Yeah, I probably should have fed it a little something.

It's true, Vikings really did sometimes use ravens to find land.

But at night, they navigated by the stars.

Take a left at Britney Spears and a right after Angelina Jolie. [LAUGHS]

the great North Sea

the skies that night

something wasn't right

your English shore

but we wanted more

this place tonight

this sleepy town alight

and burn and drink

what you think

won't you, please?

raid your monasteries

and ready to attack

just don't fight back

become a slave to me

slaves often get chucked in the sea, yeah

Yeah, yeah

your head, my friend

get you in the end

from your skull

and that's how we roll

Play that axe, Ragnar.

the whole town red

everything that you own

and go back home

We gave you all the fearsome facts

glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

ghastly, mean and cruel

teach you at school

longer a mystery

Horrible Histories