Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishments from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Smash Hit Songs.

I've finally come up with an idea

that's going to get me out of the sewer and into the big time!

Or at least into a place that's not the sewer.

I'm going to start a streaming platform.

Prepare to be amazed, and also to subscribe to...

Ratify!

LOUD FART

So, Ratify needs music.

Luckily, I've got all of history to choose from.

The first thing I want the platform to have is a green message.

Think of me as basically being G-rat-a Thunberg.

And I've got just the song to get that message across.

♪ Our planet We should see the signs

♪ We're damaging it over time

♪ History, we must now rewind

♪ To undo our mistakes

♪ Romans reared loads of livestock for farming

♪ Which released methane from farting

♪ Plus blacksmith forgers were harming the atmosphere

♪ So, you're a Roman Sounds like you had no plan

♪ Shame you didn't know, man But you were just the first, man

♪ That's pretty bad, guys

♪ Huh?

♪ Tudors building warships out of forests

♪ They stripped the land leaving no trees

♪ Wasn't a blip because it is still happening

♪ So, you're a Tudor Shame you didn't think more

♪ Taking all that wood for ships to go and fight wars

♪ That's pretty bad, guys

♪ Huh?

♪ Industrial Revolution

♪ An increase in air pollution

♪ Machines built with no solution

♪ For our longevity

♪ Black gold Life changed forever

♪ Makes plastic Degrades, like, never

♪ And fumes that are not so clever

♪ So it's time to think again

♪ It's got to end now Listen to my friend while

♪ Greta comprehends how

♪ We can make a change now

♪ Be a kind guy Cleaning up the seas guy

♪ Planting lots of trees guy Power from the breeze guy

♪ Let's be the good guys. ♪

That one is an absolute banger!

But if I'm going to make Ratify a success,

I'm going to need some more star power.

And I'm not sure The Squeak-end, The Rodent Stones,

or Lady Rat-Rat are going to cut it.

So I'm going to start with some big hitters from history,

with a playlist featuring an actual Pharaoh,

one of the richest men who ever lived,

and this lady, who was a legend in her own lifetime.

♪ The queen of jazz They went crazy for me

♪ Back in the '20s they loved my new dance

♪ From Harlem to the toast of all Paris

♪ I made the Charleston a big hit in France

♪ Hung out with Hemingway And Picasso!

♪ Star of Champs-Elysees Look, there's Cocteau!

♪ Because anybody can just walk the walk

♪ You need a dancing girl to blow your mind!

♪ Dance, dance, Josephine Baker

♪ Check out my cheetah The great Jazz Age trend maker

♪ He's called Chiquita Wait a moment, you're about to see

♪ There's more to Miss Baker's celebrity

♪ When World War II broke out I offered help

♪ With French military intelligence

♪ Charmed my way to enemy embassies

♪ Shared my findings through correspondence

♪ Wrote secret notes for spies Over gateau!

♪ Homed the Resistance guys In her chateau!

♪ Because anybody can just talk the talk

♪ You need a war hero to blow your mind!

♪ Dance, dance back in the States Her home nation

♪ Racism made me outraged Fought segregation

♪ Civil rights is the new song I sing

♪ Side by side with Martin Luther King

Hey!

♪ Look at all that I did How could you not know?

♪ Plus adopted 12 kids That is a lot, though

♪ Wait a moment, did you think that I was just a dancer?

♪ Then I'll say goodbye. ♪

♪ I am the Pharaoh of Egypt

♪ But I get up before everyone

♪ Got to wake this God Amun-Ra

♪ So he'll light up the sky with the sun

♪ The whole world's asleep but we rush through

♪ To the temple of Ipet-Sut

♪ Must get washed and dressed No lie-in

♪ For a Pharaoh, don't you know?

♪ All the priests in the temple pray

♪ Amun-Ra, Amun-Ra, bring the day

♪ Up at the crack of dawn

♪ To wake like an Egyptian

♪ Breakfast arrives Milk, cake, bread

♪ And a ritually slaughtered bull

♪ But it's all for him Amun-Ra

♪ The sun god is never, ever full

♪ Everyone backs out A priest and me

♪ Lift the veil, start the ritual

♪ Bang on those drums Amun-Ra

♪ Because the whole world dies if we fail

♪ All the priests in the temple pray

♪ Amun-Ra, Amun-Ra, bring the day

♪ All waiting for the sun

♪ To wake for the Egyptians... ♪

WHISTLING

♪ Here comes the dawn, we're all safe

♪ It's time to put my fake beard on

♪ I'm a living God Like Amun-Ra

♪ And the Pharaoh's work is never done

♪ All the priests in the temple say

♪ Hatshepsut, you must do this every day

♪ It's not that much fun

♪ To wake like an Egyptian. ♪

Good afternoon, I'd like to rent some of your rooms.

Sure, how many do you need? All of them.

That's not going to be cheap.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not from around here.

Will this cover it?

Oh! Where did you get all this?

I'm Mansa Musa, the ruler of the Mali Empire.

I've got a lot of money, so I like to spread it around. I like to...

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I like to spend it, spend it

♪ Got so much I can't spend it

♪ Here, have some You spend it!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I like to spend it, spend it

♪ Got so much I can't spend it

♪ Here, have some You spend it!

♪ Half the gold in all the world

♪ Comes from my fine mines in Mali, man

♪ So much gold it mash up my mind

♪ Made me want to go to Mecca Give thanks and pray

♪ And along the way I paid to build a mosque

♪ Nearly every Friday

♪ I like to spend it, spend it Cash!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it Money!

♪ If you need some, I can send it Gold!

♪ Here, have some You spend it!

♪ Travelling light, we don't need many fellas

♪ Royal guards, teacher and storytellers

♪ Royal doctor, me wife and her maids

♪ Couple of officials and can't forget slaves

♪ And 500 heralds in silk

♪ Heralds in, heralds in, heralds in silk

♪ How many?! 500 heralds in silk

♪ Heralds in, heralds in, heralds in silk!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I love it!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I'm serious!

♪ Got so much I can't spend it So much money!

♪ Here, have some You spend it! ♪

Well, that's my bangers sorted.

And if Ratify makes me even a fraction of the money Mansa Musa,

one of the richest men who ever lived, had,

I'll be laughing! But, of course, getting rich isn't easy.

Although, that hasn't stopped people in the past

from trying to do it the quick way.

Hello, stranger.

Good evening, ma'am.

I'll take a shovel, please.

Sure thing, friend.

That'll be 40 bucks. 40 bucks?!

Come on, now. Back home, I can get a shovel for 20 cents.

That's, um...

200 times the regular back-home price, yes.

Exactly. No-one's going to pay that.

Howdy, stranger.

Shovel! 40 bucks.

You got it!

Ho, ho, ho! Gold, here I come!

I'sa going to be rich.

Fine, I'll take a shovel.

That'll be 50 bucks.

50 bucks?! You said it was 40.

Well, now I only got two left.

You could always wait until I've got one left,

that'll be 60.

And that's with a discount on account of I like your smile.

Well, I don't like yours. Fine. I'll take the $50 one.

Second best investment you ever made, pal.

Second best? My last jar of gold grease.

Ten bucks. Gold grease?

You strip naked, coat yourself in it,

roll down a hill picking up gold as you go.

You must think I'm an idiot!

Have you got any gold grease?

I'll take it!

Last ten bucks. But I don't got a care in the world

on account of I'm going to strike...

♪ Gold! Gold!

♪ Always believed I'd strike gold

♪ I may be clean out of gold

♪ But I'm here to have a go

♪ Always believed, yeah, he'll strike

♪ Gold! Gold!

♪ Thousands of dollars I'll earn

♪ I can't afford to return

♪ So there's no going home

♪ Always believe, yeah

♪ Once they discovered gold

♪ Thousands came here to mine the land

♪ It has gotten quite out of hand

♪ The trees and the cows have gone

♪ Crime is on the rise every day

♪ You might find some gold, though, hooray

♪ Going to be rich anyway

♪ The amount they pay

♪ Why did I ever make this call?

♪ Because with a little luck I could have it all

♪ Gold! Gold!

♪ Let's go and look for some gold

♪ Hundreds of spades I have sold

♪ I'm on a massive roll

♪ Always believe, yeah

♪ You'll strike gold! ♪

Pack it up, boys! We've done run out of gold!

We've dug it all up.

Excuse me?! You heard, boy.

Dangnabbit! That can't be true.

Can I get a refund on these, please? It's against policy.

This is the worst day of my life.

Of course, Ratify isn't just about me making some sweet, sweet cheddar.

I also need some songs that tell us important things about the world.

Music that says something.

That's what this next playlist does,

and it starts with a group of brilliant political writers

who campaigned against the horrors of slavery

in the late 18th century.

These great men were collectively known as the Sons Of Africa.

♪ We are not putting down our pens We are not putting down our pens

♪ We're the same as the white guys We're smart, dapper and baptised

♪ And we're not putting down our pens

♪ I'mma send a letter to the Prince of Wales

♪ I could shout or punch but I prefer to use Royal Mail

♪ The trouble is I write a lot of words to no avail

♪ Gain supporters, get press and every night a boat sails

♪ I'm a black guy in Britain A free man, once a slave

♪ Hope my actions form a pave My book, man, it's a fave

♪ Got power in my pen and my speech won't falter

♪ We Sons of Africa get bolder

♪ I shoulder that I was kidnapped Sold to bondage

♪ The empire's hostage I built upon my knowledge

♪ Not been easy if I'm honest

♪ The plan - make abolition cool among the dames

♪ A lot of letters floating round so let me spell out my name

♪ I'm the...

♪ We're not meant to be

♪ A group of brothers kept from opportunities

♪ Meanwhile, Britain keeps stealing us endlessly

♪ Yo, slavers, we're fighting back Yo, slavers, we're fighting back

♪ You're so behind with the times Your actions will be crimes

♪ Yo, slavers we're fighting back

♪ They can't go, don't you see?

♪ I'd have less money if the slaves were free

♪ Tell them no, we'd have to pay

♪ We must not let our conscience get in the way

♪ Na-da-da-da-da

♪ Hey! Da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-da

♪ Olaudah Equiano, writer and barber

♪ I lead Sons of Africa and schmooze in the parlour

♪ We make the economic case to abolish the slave trade

♪ Stop the ships now then we all get paid

♪ Cruelly, they make us work for free

♪ And we're banned from taking part in democracy

♪ They ain't going to let kids of Africa just be

♪ So we write letters to stop ships going out to sea

♪ Geniuses, keep up the writing

♪ Maintain the pressure in the law We'll keep fighting

♪ Are you all not a man and a brother?

♪ We'll get the votes we need If not this time then another

♪ We are the Sons of Africa We are the Sons of Africa

♪ You can't deny our lives matter The slave trade we will shatter

♪ We're the Sons of Africa

♪ We are the Sons of Africa We are the Sons of Africa

♪ You can't deny our lives matter The slave trade we will shatter

♪ We're the Sons of Africa. ♪

♪ Who changed the world? Girls Girls!

♪ Who changed the world? Girls

♪ Who are we?

♪ Suffragettes

♪ We changed the world

♪ We changed it, changed it

♪ Who am I?

♪ Mrs Tubman

♪ I changed the world

♪ We changed it, changed it

♪ Who am I?

♪ Johanna Ferrour

♪ I changed the world

♪ We changed it, changed it

♪ We want to vote just like the men

♪ But will they let us? No, they won't

♪ I want the slaves to all go free

♪ But do they free us? No, they don't

♪ I am Rosa I'm not moving

♪ I know what I'm worth

♪ Johanna Ferrour, because I'm poor

♪ Joined the Peasants' Revolt!

♪ I'm protesting, baby

♪ Nor sitting because I'm lazy

♪ We started the revolt because we couldn't afford to feed our babies

♪ Men, we're not playing

♪ We won't be ladies

♪ We get what we want

♪ Don't need no man to save me

♪ Who changed the world? Girls Girls!

♪ Who changed the world? Girls

♪ Who are we? What do we want?

♪ To change the world

♪ I helped free my people!

♪ Who are we? What do we want?

♪ To change the world

♪ Starting a Peasants' Revolution

♪ Who are we? Yeah, we'll fight

♪ To change the world

♪ Stop my people's persecution

♪ We all want to change the world

♪ Who changed the world? Girls! ♪

♪ Please lend me your ears For this news I shall impart

♪ You may not have been told We have been here from the start

♪ We worked in the Stone Age

♪ Went to war with Bonaparte

♪ Before these isles were British

♪ Black people played their part

♪ Cheddar man was Mesolithic

♪ 10,000 years from now

♪ When the animals were terrific

♪ You should see his giant cow

♪ And the Roman Emperor General

♪ And the brave Aurelian Moors

♪ Were just a few of several

♪ Who walked upon these shores

♪ Listen to the tales

♪ And these words I shall impart

♪ Before Harold lost at Hastings

♪ Black people played their part

♪ Queen Catherine and Henry

♪ Had a trumpeter called John

♪ And a maid call Catalina

♪ But from history books they're gone!

♪ Of naked Georgian writers And the stars of boxing rings

♪ To the battlefields of Europe And the Windrush I can sing

♪ Please lend me your ears For this news I shall impart

♪ Before Harold lost at Hastings Black people played their part

♪ These histories are just stories

♪ There's truths for us to see

♪ That for 10,000 British years some Brits have looked like me

♪ And today the future's hopeful

♪ Rashford and Stormzy light the way

♪ Evaristo, Blackman, Hamilton, Kaluuya and many more names to say

♪ Listen to the tales There are words to fill your heart

♪ You may not have been told We have been here from the start

♪ Try to map our journey You will need a bigger chart

♪ Before these isles were British Black people played their part. ♪

Now, if I am going to make a success of Ratify,

I'm going to need the whole family to use it.

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert have a huge family,

so let's start this family playlist right there.

♪ Meet my family

♪ Nine children, my husband and me

♪ And I still look this good

♪ Meet my family

♪ And I love them all equally

♪ Well, maybe not Bertie

♪ My first child was my namesake, Victoria

♪ She learnt French from age one

♪ Then...

♪ After hours of pain, I had Bertie

♪ The crown prince of tantrums

♪ Such a temper

♪ Next came Alice Sensitive, caring

♪ Jekyll to Bertie's Hyde

♪ Then came Alfred, the daredevil

♪ Who was the zaniest of all nine

♪ Meet my family

♪ Alfred climbs houses and leaps streams

♪ Since he was a baby!

♪ Meet my family

♪ My brooch is made from Vicky's teeth!

♪ Too much info?

♪ Our fifth child is Princess Helena

♪ Gifted in music and art

♪ Then...

♪ Louise, who had so much more talent

♪ Outdid Helena from the start

♪ Next came Arthur followed by Leo

♪ Who's the fragile one

♪ We had to really protect him

♪ Because his skin bruises like a plum

♪ And that's not fun!

♪ Meet my family

♪ Beatrice would always take care of me

♪ Number nine!

♪ And that's my family

♪ I love them unconditionally...

♪ Apart from maybe Bertie because he really was a bit of a brat

♪ Oh, you're not wrong. ♪

You know, I started Ratify because music is my life.

I have music playing all day.

Even in the depths of night, I can hear the joyous melody.

FARTING

And, sometimes, I can smell it as well.

Smel-ody! Ha-ha-ha. Smel-ody...

Yes, there's music for everything.

There's even music for going to sleep.

FARTING

Just to be clear, that's not it.

♪ Give you hair a toss Check for lice

♪ Darling, how you feeling? Because it's time for bed

♪ Yeah, toss, check for lice

♪ Nothing feeling creepy? Then it's time for bed

♪ Woo, child, hanging out the bed poo

♪ That'll keep the gnats away, or it should do

♪ Yes, girl, have some of this too

♪ Lettuce on your temples That'll help you sleep through

♪ Nightcap for beddy-byes

♪ Block the moon's rays And you know why

♪ If you want to live to be old

♪ Don't let the moon's rays make you cold

♪ I'll wrap you in cloth, check your limbs

♪ Got to keep them straight Put it round your head

♪ Sleep lots Rest's good for you

♪ But if you get too much you'll be ill in bed

♪ Yes, it's time for bed

♪ Darling how you feeling? Yes, it's time for bed

♪ Woo, Gran, need to kick off your boots

♪ Now just take a deep breath and let's focus on you

♪ Got these red drapes Here's what we Tudors do

♪ Girl, because you've had a fever, going to draw them round you

♪ Grandad, just close your eyes Sleep in this chair, sing lullabies

♪ Might feel strange but if you sleep upright

♪ That'll help digest your food tonight

♪ We think sleeping propped up straight

♪ Will stop us getting tummy ache

♪ Let's do a mane toss, check for lice

♪ Are you getting sleepy? Because it's time for bed

♪ If poss, my advice

♪ Don't sleep on your belly That's for snakes instead

♪ Or on your back Just don't go there

♪ Makes phlegm go to your brain and you'll get nightmares!

♪ If you can't see the sun no more

♪ Then let me hear you start to snore

♪ If you have sleep loss That's not nice

♪ You know what I'm saying And it's time for bed

♪ Yeah, boss, check for lice

♪ Tell me, how you feeling? Like it's time for bed

♪ Dung pot tempts the lice

♪ So we don't get bitten but it makes me wretch

♪ Yes, boss, check for lice

♪ Can we go to sleep now? Yes, it's time for bed. ♪

Oh, yes. Ratify can help every part of your life.

It can help you sleep, it can help you exercise.

It can help you with your fashion choices, too.

Listen to this one from 250 years ago

and tell me I'm wrong.

♪ They call me Perdita

♪ The mistress of George IV, yeah

♪ I wear a funky dress for you

♪ I walk down The Mall, dear

♪ The people they stop and cheer, dear

♪ I wrap my hands in fur for you

♪ And tighter and tighter I barley can breathe

♪ But how they love me

♪ No matter the scandal

♪ All eyes are on me Oh, how they love me

♪ Whatever I put on

♪ Is the hit of the year It's me they copy

♪ Because nothing says fashion like me

♪ Well, apart from me

♪ I'm Duchess of Devonshire

♪ And everyone loves what I wear

♪ I wear a little hair for you

♪ It only takes horsehair

♪ Two hairdressers and half the day, yeah

♪ I wear a little hair for you

♪ And higher and higher I stick in the bird

♪ Oh, how they love me

♪ And tighter and tighter I barely can breathe

♪ And how they love me

♪ And higher and higher I stick in a ship

♪ Oh, how they love me

♪ And higher and higher No wig is too big

♪ Oh, how they love me

♪ We really made big hair a thing. ♪

Seriously, they used horsehair to make those wigs.

Must be a lot of very cold horses walking around.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, that's it. Ratify is up and running,

your one-stop shop for all your historical song needs.

It's going to be a monster hit, a bit like this last song.

See you next time!

♪ Straight out of legend

# Hairy, howling monster called a werewolf

# Transformed, so I'll terrorise the neighbourhood

♪ There are stories from Greece like The Golden Fleece

♪ Tales so scary that you might go to pieces

♪ Stories from Rome Closer to home

♪ I weed in a circle and turned my clothes to stone

♪ I always transform to a wolf and back

♪ Mess with me and I'm going to attack

♪ Realistically, I'll probably attack anyway

♪ Especially on a full moon So, you know, do what you like

♪ Yo, yo, Revenant, where the medieval zombies at?

♪ We're straight out of legend

♪ Medieval zombie called a Revenant

♪ A thousand years old but I've still stayed relevant

♪ When I rise from the grave, the people take flight

♪ But even when they lock the doors I hit them with a blight

♪ Breathe through the cracks Spread my plague death

♪ You'll join me in the grave when you smell my breath... ♪

Oh! That is rank!

And I've got heightened smelling abilities because of the wolf thing.

Sorry about that. Dracula, tell them about the vampires.

♪ We're straight out of legend Blah!

♪ Bloodsuckers called strigoi in a story

♪ Poshed up by the writer Polidori

♪ He made me a lord Hard to kill with a sword

♪ Bram Stoker wrote Dracula and vampires soared

♪ Transylvanian lair but it's not really fair

♪ Stoker did research but he'd never been there

♪ Took my name from Vlad who'd done a lot of killing

♪ So much that next to him I'm not a real villain

♪ Don't tell them that

♪ You're supposed to be scary

♪ You're not even a legend, Frankenstein

♪ Hey, where are you from?

♪ I'm straight out of novels

♪ Book by a woman called Shelley

♪ A monster made of parts from my eyes to my belly

♪ But my name wasn't Frank Frankenstein was the crank

♪ Who sparked me into life while suspended on a plank

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ Or the minds of the writers

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ When you see us coming, you're really meant to fight us

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ We're meant to spread fear but people hold us so dear

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ You love a good scare Kind of makes me despair. ♪