Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

What kind of job do you want to do?

I've been talking to my school careers adviser

and, apparently, I might have to consider alternatives

to a glamorous TV presenting job in a smelly sewer.

But the dream can't last forever. TOILET FLUSHES

So, if I'm going to find a new career,

I thought I'd use some jobs from the past as a guide

for what I could do!

First off, I need to avoid some of the worst jobs from history.

Mm!

That dinner was delightful.

Well, you certainly enjoyed yourself.

Not sure three helpings of cabbage was a good idea.

Oh, well, it's not every day you get to visit the...

HIS STOMACH GROWLS Oh, dear.

You're just going to have to hold it. I don't think I can hold it!

Greetings, friend.

'Tis I, Loo Man,

aka The Caped Convenience,

aka The Walking Water Closet,

aka The Living Little Boys' Room.

I come when people need...

...to go.

HIS STOMACH GROWLS Whatever. Gang way!

HE FARTS LOUDLY Ah!

FARTING CONTINUES

HE SIGHS

Excuse me! Do not use the cape to wipe on!

Use the damp rag provided.

Unbelievable!

Thank you, whoever you are.

I told you, I'm Loo Man.

Your bill.

Oh, didn't realise there'd be any charge.

You think people do this for fun?

How much? That's daylight robbery!

Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher?

Do not reveal my secret identity!

It's not much of a secret! People can smell you coming a mile off!

Look, he's charged us a shilling to spend a penny!

I think you'll find I didn't do anything, Officer.

Didn't do anything? What is that, then?

Where did this come from?

Are poos falling from the sky?

That was in there when I went in.

He's lying! It's still warm!

HE STAMMERS You're coming with me!

Overcharging again!

MAN'S STOMACH GROWLS Oh, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait!

Keep the change!

Ah! HE FARTS

I might be in here a while.

Have you got a bigger bucket?

FARTING CONTINUES

Well, you're the best delivery man we've seen.

You got the job.

Oh, thank you! I won't let you down.

You better not, or that's a lot of people's Christmases ruined.

Hang on, this is a Christmas job?

It's only September. I thought the job started today.

It does. Come on, then!

Whoa! TURKEY GOBBLES

Norfolk turkeys. Best in the land!

But why start now? Ow!

It takes months to walk a turkey from Norfolk to London,

and they lose weight on the journey. Ow! Shoo! Ow!

So you got to get there early to fatten them up again.

Wait, you want me to walk a turkey to London?

MAN GUFFAWS

Of course not!

If you do it one at a time, it would take forever.

You're taking 1,000 turkeys!

ALL GOBBLE

GOBBLING STOPS

GOBBLING RESUMES

GOBBLING STOPS

You're expecting me to walk them lot over 100 miles?!

Well, how else are you going to get 'em there?

Ow! Cut that out! Don't worry.

I'm going to give you this little stick! But...

And these boots.

They won't fit me! I'm a ten!

Oh, they're not for you! HE LAUGHS

They're for the turkeys!

They're made of leather so their little feet don't get tired.

Go on, put these on that one.

Have a practice.

You can't be...

HE SIGHS, TURKEY GOBBLES

Argh!

GOBBLING CONTINUES Argh!

Get a move on.

You'll have to set off soon or you'll hit the traffic.

Trust me, there're a lot of turkeys travelling from Norfolk to London.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

I did it.

Well done!

You can do the others now.

Argh!

Don't let them get you on the ground!

Oh! HE GROANS

I know what you did wrong.

You forgot your little stick.

Gah!

Right, so turkey walker and loo man are off the list.

For one thing, I've only got little legs,

so I'd struggle with the bucket.

HE CACKLES

I do kind of fancy doing a job that's a little bit different, though,

and there have definitely been a few of those throughout history - hm.

I've got 500 people who need to be working in my factory by 6am...

...but there's no way I'm going to pay them enough

to afford alarm clocks.

We could call... the Knocker-Upper.

I heard someone was looking for me.

VOICE-OVER: She'll give everyone a wake-up call...

RESIDENT: Thanks, Jane!

Thank you!

Ow, my eye!

You're welcome.

...armed with her trusty peashooter.

You can't hit this snooze button.

Sorry about the bedpan, Jane. I woke up in a bad mood.

That's OK, lady.

Still, I should've emptied it first.

Ah.

The Knocker-Upper in...

Harold, this is a STEM jobs fair.

I work in science.

Mm, you sell cakes at the science museum. It's not the same thing.

SAILOR: Interested in seeing the world?

Getting your hands dirty exploiting our natural resources?

Join my whaling expedition and I'll make you rich!

We can kill over 100 whales in a single voyage.

That's awful!

The cruelty's bad enough, but if you keep hunting them like that,

we'll have none left!

Hm, yeah, that'd be a shame, given how useful they are.

Every part of the whale makes money, you see.

The bones are used in clothing,

the oil's used in lamps...

COUPLE GASPS

Ah! And we eat their vomit.

Well, I think it's disgusting,

particularly the vomit thing.

Oh, then I'd better not tell you about

using their poo to dye clothes.

Um, can I ask how you lost your...? And your...?

Minor work injuries.

Yeah, it can take hours to kill a whale

and, by then, they've smashed the boat

and most of your limbs to pieces.

WOMAN GASPS

SAILOR BELCHES Harold, shall we?

Oh!

Oh, not again!

Is that my other leg?

PROSPECTOR: Interested in oil prospecting?

Oh, gosh! There's another one!

You could explore our beautiful planet

AND get rich in an instant!

Ooh, that's interesting! What about...?

Hang on, are you what happens to oil prospectors?

Well, I grant you there's poor sanitation and fires are common,

but I was fur trapping when I got attacked by the bear,

so that doesn't count!

Fur trapping? Yup!

If you're interested in fur trapping,

they've got a stall over there

and an actual bear you can play with.

That sounds very dangerous.

Yeah, it is. BEAR GROWLS

Oh, look, the bear escaped.

The bear escaped! Argh!

Can we go home now?

RAILROAD WORKER: You want a job building the American railroads?

Ooh, railroads?

Don't need qualifications,

just a steady hand!

Perfect! Great!

We're giving people a try-out right now.

All you have to do is carry a box of nitroglycerine

from one table to another.

Er, isn't nitroglycerine incredibly explosive?

Yes, it is!

That's why we use it to blast holes in the mountains,

for the train tunnels.

Right, you just have to be really, really care...

...care...

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Achoo!

Oh!

You know what? I might just go back to selling cakes at the museum.

SHE SIGHS

Blown up?

Shipwrecked?

Swallowed by whales? No, thank you!

I'd rather do something safer.

There have been some incredibly clever inventors,

and maybe I could be one of them!

I have, after all, invented... this.

Behold, the fart stick!

It fires farts at your friends.

Genius, I know!

I'll give you a demo.

Ugh. Oh, is that...?

No, that's... Oh, come on.

Now... Now, it must be jammed.

Still, inventing could be my thing!

Yeah! MACHINE FARTS

SHOUTING: Ugh!

THUD

VOICE-OVER: Sorting out the beefs of the past...

King John, listen to me.

I don't care if you've signed your name with an X

or a big sloppy kiss.

...with the justice of today.

The Magna Carta is a legal document!

Welcome to...

Two of electricity's great minds,

George Westinghouse and Nikola Tesla,

are seeking damages from the defendant,

world-famous inventor Thomas Edison,

over who invented the best electrical current.

Right, which one of you sparky fellows

wants to tell me what's going on, then?

HE CLEARS THROAT Thomas Edison, Your Rindersty.

Allow me to illuminate you, which is something I should be good at,

because I invented the light bulb.

Hang on, Judge. George Westinghouse.

He didn't invent the light bulb, he just invented a more popular one.

I decided to use my light bulb, which I definitely invented,

to create a company that would make streetlamps,

but I'm having problems with these two men

because they claim to have a better electrical current system than me.

Yes, and what exactly is the difference between the two systems?

Well, I use DC - that's direct current.

And I use AC - alternating current.

It's cheaper AND more efficient.

It's more dangerous, more like,

and he didn't create it!

He is marketing it.

Well, hang on a second, who did invent it?

Hello. Nikola Tesla.

But why isn't he marketing it, for goodness sake?

I am in love with a pigeon. PIGEON COOS

Uh, some people say that Nikola is... strange.

It has glowing eyes. OK.

Alternating current is completely safe.

Poppycock! In the last year alone,

dozens of stray cats, stray dogs... CAT YOWLS, DOG BARKS

...and even a circus elephant... ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

...have been electrocuted by alternating current.

Yes, by you.

Yes!

By me!

Because it was the best way of demonstrating

how dangerous alternating current is!

If these two men get their way,

it won't just be elephants getting Westinghoused!

Just excuse me for a second, sir. What exactly does that mean?

It means getting electrocuted.

No, it doesn't! He made that up!

Stop using my name to mean electrocuted.

Everyone's using it. Who?

That's it, that's it!

I rule in favour of Tesla and Westinghouse.

Why?

Well, cos the worst thing Mr Tesla has done to an animal

is to fall in love with a pigeon.

He hasn't, like you, sir, tried to electrocute it!

Yes! Thank you, Judge!

PIGEON COOS

Do you do weddings?

Mm-hm, yes.

Er, court dismissed.

You are all invited!

Yes, I'll be washing... my hair.

I'm Charles Babbage,

mathematician, philosopher, the father of the computer

and inventor of shoes that walk on water.

The computer was more popular than the water shoes, weirdly.

Anyway, I love to explore our planet,

but, tell me, how did I once do that?

Did I...?

And the answer is B.

In 1828, I actually lowered myself on a rope into Mount Vesuvius

so I could look at the lava.

I did not think this through, to be honest.

Erm... Hoo-hoo!

It is hot in here!

I brought a wooden yardstick to see how deep the lava went, but, well...

...fire plus wood equals more fire, less wood.

Told you I was a mathematician.

I'm worried I'm going to die.

Well, what with the fart stick's teething troubles

and me not wanting to go into active volcanoes for a living,

I've crossed inventing off the list.

But I could still help people in a new job.

I'm very much an all-action kind of rat,

so maybe I could try a career in the armed forces,

or even the police!

SIREN BLARES

Ooh!

I heard a tip-off about an legal operation

right in the heart of the community.

I've heard they've got kids involved and everything. Sick.

SIREN BLARES

It starts with morris dancing gangs.

That's just a gateway to leaping and vaulting.

Look, unbelievable.

Before you know it - bang! It's a full maypole bonanza.

Illegal maypole dancing.

Breaks your heart.

I'm sorry, can we...?

Hey, stop in the name of Puritan law!

Step away from the maypole, step away!

This whole area is a hotbed of dance-related crime.

THEY GROAN

Oh! I've been hit.

You get hardened to it.

It's just a ribbon. I know.

But, sir, it's jolly!

Sometimes, they're even armed with lutes.

I am arresting you for possession of a maypole with intent

to dance around it with ribbons and bells.

Oh, it's not a maypole!

It's just a thin tree.

Pull the other one - it's got bells on.

I know it was a win today, but sometimes, when it's quiet,

I can hear the jingles at night.

BELLS JINGLE

What? I'm going undercover.

Sorry. Yep.

Ah! Who's there? It's me.

Don't shoot.

What are you doing out in no-man's-land?

I thought I could hear the British moving towards us,

so I went to look. All I found was this. What is it -

a grenade? No, it's a tin can.

It's what they keep their food in. Curse them!

They're in our country and they're eating better than us.

I don't know about that.

I heard it was just a mush of turnips, beans and animal fat.

Wait, wouldn't eating a lot of that sort of thing make someone...

LOUD FART What was that? Well, it wasn't me.

FARTING

Did you hear that? They heard that in Gallipoli - and smelled it, too.

FARTING

Cork it, Simpson - they'll hear us! I can't help it, Sarge.

It's these Maconochie cans of food we've been eating.

They're very, er... HE FARTS

...dry.

Well, keep it down.

Ah! It's the British. They're out there, sneaking up on us.

FARTING THROUGHOUT

I wouldn't call it sneaking.

Sorry! For goodness' sake, Perkins, clench.

You're giving away our position.

Right, OK, that was me. I'll take that one.

Cor! I'm glad those uniforms are brown.

There's an Ottoman outpost just up ahead. Are we in position?

Sounds like they're going to attack.

FARTING Smells like it, too.

On my whistle. SQUEAKY FART

That wasn't it! I think we should retreat.

Because there's too many of them? No, I just can't stand the smell.

WHISTLE BLOWS

FARTING

Hm. They've gone. Looks like the left in a...

HE FARTS Ooh. ..hurry.

I'll light a lantern and see if they have any fresh food.

No, don't light a... EXPLOSION

FILM TRAILER VOICEOVER: When their nation called,

they answered.

Here she is - the Flying Fortress.

We'll be taking her up to 10,000 feet

on a bombing raid over Nazi enemy lines.

You know what that means?

Ice cream. Huh?

Why are we taking a canister of liquid cream?

It might be liquid now, but if we anchor it to the rear gunner

compartment and then fly at high altitude, what'll happen?

It'll get shaken up.

And freeze. Becoming?

Ice cream.

Yessiree bob.

I'm scared. We've got no choice, Mickey.

We're nearly out of tutti-frutti.

What's the situation?

Turning nicely, but we need to go higher so it freezes.

EXPLOSION

Mickey? Mickey!

No!

No.

Don't worry, man,

it's just raspberry sauce.

It goes a beauty on my tutti-frutti.

Emergency landing! Prepare the fire engine!

EXPLOSION

And the wafers!

Yes! CHEERING

Gentlemen, we've got another mission.

ALL: Rocky-road flavour!

This is...

Yeah, a bit too much danger going on there for my liking.

However, I've had a brainwave.

The best job in the world is...

...ruling a nation. Think about it.

I could be a dictator or a king.

Everyone just does what you say all the time.

You have people to get your food out of the bins for you,

and your home is some kind of palace.

Ruling a nation might just be the job for me.

Hm.

HE SNORES

It is, er, time for you to wake up, Your Majesty.

Hey! Hello, my subjects!

It is I, King Louis XIV. What's up?

A lot of you have been asking,

"Hey, Louis, how come you look so banging every morning?"

It is a good question.

Well, it is partly down to my natural awesomeness,

but, er, I do get, er, a teensy-weensy bit of help.

Eh? Say hello!

ALL: Hello.

This is my chief valet de chambre, Alexandre Bontemps.

He is one of the most powerful people in all of France.

I get to sleep in a tiny bed in the corner of his bedroom.

Super-cool, super-cool.

The closer I let people get to me, the more important they are.

And he is so close to me, he can literally breathe in

my poo des pantalons. HE FARTS

There we go! Hey!

Hey-hey! Hashtag winning at life!

FARTING

After wakey-wakey, my physician and surgeon come in to check

if I'm superfit and to take off my nightshirt.

At these important moments, it gives them a chance to ask me

for a private favour.

I have a little dispute with a neighbour.

I was wondering - could you have him arrested and all his land seized?

Oh, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Oi! Backscratching's my job.

Once I am out of my sweaty nightshirt, I have a quick pray.

Dear God, aren't we both awesome? Amen.

And then I get dressed in my other bedroom in front of more courtiers.

CHEERING

Hey, who's got my undies?

Ah! I give them responsibility for different items of clothing

so while they're arguing over who owns my under-crackers,

they're less likely to plot against me, eh?

Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky.

That is Maurice.

He used to be in charge of my undies,

but he missed a lot of skids.

Didn't you, Maurice?!

It is too late now!

That's right, I wear a little sleeping wig.

Well, I don't want to look stupid, you know.

So, who wants to help me get changed?

THEY ALL SHOUT

Ah, mornings - so much to do before you can get going, 'uh?

Hello, guys, and thanks for clicking on this tutorial

where I'm going to teach you how to photo chop your photos.

I'm Russian leader Joseph Stalin.

With my help, your photos will be getting top MARX.

The results will really

BOLshevik your friends over! Ha-ha-ha!

But, seriously, the ability to erase someone from history

is a godlike power.

Let's get started.

OK, so let's say you have a photo.

There's a problem here.

Can you spot it?

That's Antipov. He was a traitor.

We don't want him, do we?

So, just a chop, chop, chop

and, boom, that's the photo and the history correct.

By the way, there is another problem.

There.

That is Shvernik.

Very annoying!

He was demoted.

It wouldn't look right for him to be here.

Let's get to work

and paint him out of history.

Ah! Perfect.

Uh-oh!

Who is this?

No, it can't be Kirov, can it?

People said I had him shot later,

so it would be awkward if there was a photo of us together.

Hm. KIROV you go.

There, at last -

history as it should be.

The perfect picture.

The picture you should have taken

in the first place, Comrade Camera.

If you weren't a traitor!

Agh! Who do you work for?! Who do you work for?!

Who's laughing now, Comrade Camera?

So, that's how you photo chop your photos to get rid of your enemies.

Don't forget to like and subscribe,

or I might have you erased from history.

Ha-ha! No, seriously, I might.

I'm Queen Victoria and I'm something of a wedding aficionado.

Firstly, as Queen, I was the one that proposed to my husband.

Ha, take that, patriarchy!

I also married off all nine of my children.

Hashtag parenting goals!

I even have four grandchildren who married each other. Hm!

But as a natural-born trendsetter,

what part of the wedding did I make popular?

Was it...

The answer is

C. It was my wedding dress that made everyone want to wear

white at their weddings. But do you know what's strange?

My dress wasn't strictly white.

It was a kind of ivory.

You can't tell in the pictures,

because people painted it whiter than it was.

So I started the white-wedding craze

by not wearing a white wedding dress.

Legend!

I'm not sure being in charge sounds much fun.

Rather than being a rule-maker, perhaps

I'd be better as a rule-breaker.

Some of the best of those were pirates.

Let's face it, I look good in the kit. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You know what, though? Sitting here and showing you all

this stuff from history has made me realise the best job for me

is actually sitting here and showing you all this stuff from history.

I guess that means I'll see you next time. Bye!

Oh!

♪ Pirate operator There's none greater

♪ It's no surprise I cause a scare I keep lit tapers in my hair... ♪

Now me take to... HIGH-PITCHED: ..your loot.

Ahem, excuse me.

♪ I don't need your silver and gold

♪ Cos they're far too heavy in my hold

♪ Give me cumin, nutmeg and all of your wine

♪ Anything I can sell will do fine

♪ Look out cos here we come

♪ Sailing in the hot sun

♪ Flag has got a skull on... ♪

See.

♪ Here's what my advice is Hand over your spices

♪ Or get cut into slices... ♪

No, I'm serious

♪ Anne Bonny Mary Read

♪ Equal opportunity

♪ Gonns take your rum for a tidy sum

♪ Secret sails to the colonies

♪ If you want tea, it's me you see

♪ But don't tell the governor!

♪ We may be bad but in case of dispute

♪ Pirates' gold means you'll get your fair loot

♪ And when we're caught we'll claim pregnancy

♪ It's what's known as pleading the belly

♪ Feel the Caribbean underneath the hot sun

♪ Ship with 36 guns

♪ Stealing from everyone

♪ Then sell it back to them Spend it on having fun... ♪

Yeah!

♪ We're out looting stock

♪ Sell at every stop

♪ Be it sugar or spice

♪ All competitively priced

♪ A pirate's life isn't quite what it seems

♪ Some have even robbed ships for the Queen

♪ We'll sell you just enough so you give us your stuff

♪ Cos I'd rather keep my cutlass clean... ♪

But we will kill you if we have to.

♪ On the ocean we row

♪ Under skull and crossbones

♪ Galleon is our home

♪ Harr-harr!

♪ Stealing is a pleasure We don't bury treasure

♪ Spend it at our leisure

♪ Oh! Living life on the run

♪ Underneath the hot sun

♪ Easier said than done

♪ Yeah, yeah!

♪ Cos there'll be retribution

♪ We'll face prosecution

♪ And an execution Oh, yeah! ♪

Forgot about that. Not ideal.

It won't just be elephants

getting...

What's your name?

It won't just be elephants

getting Worthingtonhoused. LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible histories. ♪