Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians,

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

♪ Punishments from ancient times

♪ Romans Rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

TRUMPET FANFARE Horrible Histories presents...

Henry VIII ruled for 38 years,

had six wives, and three children.

And after Edward and Mary's turn,

Elizabeth rules for 45 years.

But who ruled better?

Maybe they can tell you.

Hello, loyal subjects.

I'm Henry VIII - King, father and total legend.

And I'm Queen Elizabeth I -

beloved monarch,

iconic beauty and, unfortunately, his daughter.

Oh-ho! Cheeky, right out the gate.

And we both ruled England during the Tudor period.

And we were both extremely good at it.

One of us more than the other.

So, here's our guide to ruling a nation.

What do you mean, "One of us more than the other"?

Well, if the crown fits.

Fine. Well, why don't we let you decide who did it best?

Massive spoiler alert - it was me!

Remind me, who was it who defeated the Spanish Armada?

Remind me, who was it that had a mechanical dragon?

A mechanical what, now?

A mechanical dragon.

Four of the last five Kings of England have died

in mysterious or violent circumstances.

That trend ends with me.

I'm Henry VIII

and this is X-treme Survival.

Tip One - self defence.

Britain's been at war with France on-and-off forever.

Going to the border between English and French controlled France

may not have been the smartest idea.

I may need to defend myself in a hurry!

Look around you. What do you see?

A stout branch,

sharpened, would make an excellent spear.

Well positioned leaves can make excellent camouflage.

But what I like to do is

contact my enemy, King Francis, in advance,

sign a peace treaty,

and throw a big festival to celebrate,

with tournaments, singing, dancing, wrestling and archery.

Le good times!

FRENCH ACCENT: Survival extreme!

Although technically speaking, zis whole area should be part of France

and I may have to attack next year. Good luck with that.

Tip Two - Shelter.

You make peace, but it's not just people that can be hostile.

You may find yourself battling the elements, too.

You need shelter.

Look around you - what do you see? Trees, bushes.

A simple shelter made from branches

could keep you alive on a cold night.

But what I like to do is,

have my men build a field full of massive tents

with actual windows and our own chapel.

10,000 metres of tent city, baby!

It's so big, they call it The Field Of Cloth Of Gold.

Lush. But you're going to need some food in there.

So, what I like to do is

bring 3,500 sheep, BAAING

850 veal calves, MOOING

a bunch of pigs SQUEALING

and there's a fountain that squirts actual wine.

Obviously.

You all right, mate?

Bit quiet.

Tip Three - Companionship.

Many a man has gone mad

in the wilderness with no-one to talk to

but a few rocks with faces drawn on them.

This is Edward

and this...

...is Edward, too.

I've never been good with names.

Isolation can be a deadly enemy.

Look around you, what do you see?

Well, the countryside might provide a solution -

walking, hunting, fishing.

But what like to do is travel with over 6,000 people with me,

including my wife and

a toy, mechanical, dragon kite.

I take over 1,000

extra people with me too.

A duchess, 10 countesses,

12 baronesses, 20 knight's ladies,

14, you know, regular ladies,

a chaplain and some bishops.

That's X-treme Survival.

Hardcore.

I'm Henry VIII.

It's 1520, I'm in the Field Of Cloth Of Gold

and I've got a mechanical dragon.

This is X-treme Survival.

Just me, for the end one, I think.

Doing the X. Yeah, thanks.

As you could see from Daddy's rather extravagant trip to France...

Extravagant? It was just a bit of light camping,

with wine fountains and a flat-pack church.

Mm, being a monarch can, obviously, bring you untold riches.

CASH REGISTER RINGS It also give you access

to all the latest gadgets and inventions,

and believe me,

that can come as quite a relief. FARTING

This way, Your Majesty.

Oh, Harington, I love surprise gifts!

Is it diamonds?

Ta-dah!

Have we been robbed?

No, this is it.

I designed and built you a flushing toilet.

Look, cistern here - full of water.

And, once you've done your royal business,

you have a lever to pull to flush away all of the, erm...

You built me a loo? Why don't you give it a go?

Harington! Please, Your Majesty.

It's completely odourless.

Think how sweet all of your palaces will smell,

if they all had one.

Oh, so you're saying

that my crib stinks, are you?

Er, no.

No? No. No? No!

I'm not going to the toilet.

Well, it's not good to hold it in.

I do not need a poo!

And if I did,

I would do it in a pot, like anyone else.

Good day to you!

Cheek of the man!

Banging on about my bowels, saying my house stinks! It's an outrage.

TUMMY RUMBLES

Ooh, that shouting's made me...

Maybe I'd better... ooh...

SQUELCHING Harington!

I am so sorry, Your Majesty.

I know I said it was odourless,

but you might want to open a window.

POOHING AND WEEING Yep.

Ah, a flushing toilet - what an invention!

Not bad, but I've got my own way

of making my royal business disappear, too.

He's called Tom.

Or Tony.

Or Will.

I had a lot of Grooms Of The Stool,

unsurprising really.

I was King for 38 years.

Queen for 45 years, but who's counting?

Well, you, obviously.

Of course, when you're a ruler,

you have to make some rules.

Clue's in the name, mate!

And I was pretty good at making up rules.

And changing them WHENEVER he felt like it.

Your Majesty, you are aware of customs relating to feasting

on a Friday, are you not?

Oh, yes. Absolutely no meat on a Friday.

Just fish.

Rules are rules.

Your Majesty!

You're eating a bird.

No, no, no, no, no, no! Um, this is a barnacle goose.

Yes, a goose.

Yeah, but it's got the word barnacle in the name.

And barnacles are those little volcano things

that live in the sea,

along with - you guessed it - fish.

Well, you can't just eat it

because it's got barnacle in the name, Your Majesty.

It's clearly meat. SHE SCOFFS

Please, back me up, Bishop.

The eating of meat on Friday

is against God's law.

But...

...the barnacle goose has the word "barnacle" in it. Thank you.

So, it's clearly a fish.

Fish knows fish.

Mm, lovely meal, Your Majesty.

Wait, no, er,

you can't eat that, either.

That's beaver tail.

Well, where do beavers live?

Not in the sea, for a start.

No, but they live by the water.

Sometimes their delicious little tails... Hang down into the water.

Therefore... BOTH: ..fish!

Fish dish, Bish? Don't mind if I do.

That's swan! Fish. Fish.

Your Majesty, nothing on this table is fish.

Seal, porpoise,

whale, puffin!

Fishy... fish... fish... fish.

Swim, swim, swim, swim.

Fish!

Meat can not be cooked and served on a Friday.

Tell me, milady, is there a custom against noblewomen

being cooked and served on a Friday?

Delish... fish-fish.

BURPING

Hello. I loved sweets and sugar so much

that I had all sorts of things made out of it, even the plates.

Ow! Ow!

Ah, normal plate.

There's a couple of teeth I'm not getting back.

My question for you,

is which of these did I also have the cooks make for me

in order to satisfy my sugary cravings?

Was it...

GROWLING

The answer was A

and B

and C! What can I say?

I've a very sweet tooth!

Mm, mm.

Still a real plate.

Being a ruler is hard work and you've got to stay in shape.

Testify! HE BURPS

But looking as good as me doesn't just happen naturally, you know.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I used to exercise in my own very special way.

ELIZABETHAN RECORDER MUSIC

Your Majesty, the ambassador of France is here to see you.

Your Majesty, it is wonderful to see you in such good health.

Why wouldn't I be in good health? What have you heard?

Nothing, Your Majesty. Er... Oh, because I'm 50 now,

you all think I'm past it. Is that it? Well, er, no, Your Majesty,

but... No? ..the thing is, none of us are getting any younger.

Right, that's it! Music! LUTE PLAYS

Everyone is saying our Queen has lost it, are they? Hm?

Well, if I was past it, could I do this?

Er... mais oui.

Tres impressive, Your Majesty.

Your turn.

Ah, no...I... Come on, your turn.

OK. Ready? A-five, six, seven, eight!

ELIZABETHAN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Heh-heh-heh-heh! We really must discuss...

I sometimes do six or seven galliards in my chamber

before anything else in the morning. Ah!

Still got it, haven't I?

LAUGHING: Of course.

But we still have business to attend to.

I'm as fit as I was 30 years ago.

In complete control of my own body. Of course, Your Majesty.

But, er, please, could we take a little break?

Very well.

HE PANTS Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

Ooh! Be sure to tell your King

that I'm in perfect health.

PANTING: I will, Your Majesty.

Oh! I need water.

Well, that showed him.

Will someone call a doctor? I pulled something four leaps ago.

Ahhhh.

Being a ruler means having to make decisions.

It can be tough, and I think it's fair to say,

we both got some things wrong.

Well, I don't know about that.

John Hawkins.

Oh, fair enough.

Will you be pitching a new venture to The Queen today, Captain John?

Why, yes, Tudor servant-person.

I've a most wonderful business opportunity that Her Maj

would be CRAZY to pass up on.

D'you want to do a quick run-through with me, before you go in?

Um... sure!

A little practice can't hurt, can it?

Hup.

So, my merchant ships will travel between these three points

in a sort of triangle formation,

making a profit at each stop.

It a win, win, win... lose.

Um, sorry, did you just say, "lose"?

Yes. Anyway, we'll start off taking fun stuff,

like pearls, ginger and sugar from the New World here.

Oh, that's wonderful. Her Majesty just loves sugar. I know!

And then we'll bring them here, to Britain.

And then we take metal, gunpowder and guns from here in Britain,

and sell them in Africa here.

And on the final leg,

from Africa to the New World,

we make a huge profit selling... CLEARS THROAT

Er, I was with you, but I'm a bit lost now.

What exactly are you picking up in Africa?

Oh, wasn't I clear? Oh, I'm sorry!

In Africa we will be collecting... CLEARS THROAT

...and selling them in the New World. You just did it again.

What are you getting in Africa?

Um... people.

What?!

So, you want to capture people,

pack them in ships, take them across the Atlantic in horrible conditions,

then sell the ones that survive?

And their children. And their children?!

To work without pay in the New World for the rest of their lives?!

Um... yeah.

I mean, when you put it like that,

it sounds quite horrible.

Well, you're a tankard half-full kind of guy, aren't you?

Her Majesty will not go for this.

She's well known for being against the idea of forced enslavement.

What you are suggesting is both evil and reprehensible.

Thank heavens our ruler is one of sound moral compass.

She stands to make £10,000 from each trip we make.

She's going to go for it, isn't she?

Mm, methinks yes.

DOOR OPENS QUEEN: Oh, John, nice to see you.

Your Majesty!

The misery people will inflict for money.

Ah, the forests of England -

one of my greatest resources.

Vast swathes of woody wild land teeming with animal life.

Oh, beautiful birds.

Nice tune, dude.

Hello there, little fellow. SQUIRREL CHATTERS

You know, it's these vast forests and woodlands

that make England what it is today.

Because we can chop them all down and make warships.

2,000 oak trees per boat.

And we can use the rest

for charcoal for the ironworks.

This is such a nice one. Um, Your Majesty,

there may be consequences to stripping England's woodlands.

For a start, it wouldn't be sustainable.

What do we do the next time we need some wood?

We can nick all the land off the monasteries.

They've got heaps of trees. But we've already done that.

Well, we can use the warships,

made from these noble plants,

to conquer other countries and chop all their trees down!

Good times! Yes, yes, but what happens when their trees run out?

I don't know. Pass a law to plant some more, or something.

You're the advisor. You're boring me now.

ARROW PINGS ANIMAL SQUEAKS

Oh, cool! Want to make yourself useful, go and fetch that squirrel.

Cook it.

I'm hungry.

♪ Da-da, da da-dee. ♪

Ruling a country is a difficult and stressful job.

So, you need to learn how to relax.

So true.

You know how I used to relax, when I was older?

Hunting wild animals.

How is that relaxing?

Well, I used to sort of just stay on the same spot

and have them chased past me.

IMAGINARY ARROW SHOOTING ANIMAL SQUEAKING

Man, I miss dat rush.

Well, my way of relaxing was a nice quiet bath.

Just me, all alone... IMAGINARY ARROWS PINGING

...apart from Mr Swanny and, er, several servants.

Ready to be dressed for bed, my queen?

Five more minutes.

Another bath, Your Majesty.

She only had one last month.

And I'll have one next month.

A bath a month, whether I need it or not.

Isn't that right, Mr Swanny?

Mr Swanny says, "Yes, that's right."

And I know best because I'm the Queen!

LAUGHING AND FARTING BUBBLING

Ohhh, Mr Swanny!

Your Majesty mustn't take so many baths, they're bad for you.

Well, I like them.

Yes, we know that.

We have to carry a portable one around with us

every time you want to travel. Mm.

That thing is not easy

to lift on to the cart.

All I ask, is for a little royal me-time

once a month, in a nice bath,

to take my mind off unhappy thoughts like...

...beheading ungrateful servants who keep picking on me.

Quite right, Your Royal Beautifulness.

Be a treasure and wash my hair, would you? Certainly, Ma'am.

ELIZABETH SINGS

SHE SIGHS I'll bring it back when it's done.

Ah.

Ooh. Oh, you've caught me doing my facial.

What?

People are painting me, like, all the time,

so I have to look my best.

But what special ingredient do I use in my ointments and balms?

Is it...

The answer is C - unicorn horn.

Only the finest ingredients

go on this kingly body.

Of course, some people say unicorns aren't real,

and it's really the horn from a narwhal, which is sort of a whale.

But I say... BLOWS RASPBERRY

Just because you haven't seen something,

doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in it.

I've not seen my perfect wife yet,

but I still believe I might find one, eventually.

Speaking of which, leave me in peace.

I've got to keep this on for another ten minutes,

then I'm off on a date.

HE SIGHS

Please, let this one be my unicorn.

You know, you really do need to be able to

switch off from the terrible burden of being an awesome King.

Wars... EXPLOSION

...executions... SCREAMING

...are just two ways that I like to decompress.

One of those executions was my mother! There you go - more stress!

But another way I like to relax was to dress up

as one of my all time heroes.

Now, I have to warn you, Your Majesty,

your husband, King Henry,

is planning a surprise.

Ooh! I love presents.

Er, yes, we all love presents, Queen Katherine,

but this is more likely to be...

GRUFF VOICE: Ah-hah! Stand and deliver!

Stand and deliver. Stand and deliver.

Oh, Gertrude, Margaret we are being ambushed!

GRUFF GARBLED VOICE: I am Robin Hood.

They have us surrounded. Call the King.

It is the King, Your Majesty. NORMAL VOICE: I'm not the King!

GRUFFLY: I'm not the King, I'm Robin Hood.

Robin... who? No, not... Robin HOOD.

Robin HOOT?

What, like an owl? HOOTING

It is your husband, Ma'am, but you have to play along.

Why is he pretending to be an owl? He's not. He's pretending to be

some mythical bloke from Nottingham

who hopped about in tights.

It's an English thing.

Ladies, when you're quite finished.

Yeah, sort of a whole thing going on here.

A lot of people gave up their afternoons. So... OK.

Help! Help! Better.

Who will save us from Mr Robin...

Wearing it on my head! ..Hat?

HOOD! Sorry.

GRUFFLY: Ladies, we must away back to Sherwood Forest.

Good times.

Er, must you leave?

Yeah, I really have to go. These tights are so itchy

and they are riding me raw!

But you cannot leave without a kiss. Ha!

GRUFFLY: Hang on,

ain't you married?

Yes, how I wish he was here now.

A-ha! He IS here!

LADIES IN WAITING: Oh! Tis he. Tis I, your husband,

Henry VIII. No, I know. We get it.

Yeah, I'm not Robin Hood.

You totes believed I was him.

Oh, no! Who are these large and handsome...?

No, we've done that now.

GRUFFLY: Right, ladies. We shall meet again in the wild wood,

wherever me arrow doth fall.

ARROW PINGS MAN SCREAMS

Sorry, Simon.

Ladies.

KING AND MEN CHEER

Do they do this sort of thing much?

Way too often.

Ho-ho-ho! Robin Hood - more like Robin HOT.

Am I right?

You know, as well as being a great ruler, I was a great family man.

I treated my son and heir, Edward VI,

like he was the most special thing in the world.

Because he was.

I'm right here!

What's your point?

Oh! SHE GROANS

Daddy, you've come to see me!

Oh, yo! Big up the future Edward VI, my little Mini Me.

Brought you a bunch of presents from everyone.

Great. Can I go outside today?

No chance. You might get ill... again.

Oh, but I sneezed, like, once.

I think it was just dust.

Sorry, you're too precious.

I can't risk anything happening to my one male heir.

Why do you think all your food gets tasted first

and everyone who visits gets washed?

Not me! Everyone else.

CLEARS THROAT

Now, stop moping.

I should be the one who's moping.

You've cost me three wives and a pope.

It's not my fault you were so desperate for a male heir.

Whatever! Just play with all the friends I send you.

Friends?! You sent me Sir William Sidney.

He's 64 years old. SNORING

Do you know how bad he is at hopscotch?

Scotch?! Maybe a small one.

He's all right for a game of scotchie.

Has he been washed?

Oh... er...

Pressie time! Oh, it's my favourite.

Tapestry's from me.

Got you the large.

Wow! Not as large as that one.

GROWLING EDWARD SCREAMS

SCREAMING: Daddy, there was a bear inside!

Wow! Fighting bear. That's hardcore.

Still, health and safety nightmare.

Can someone wash the bear before Eddie plays with it?

I don't want it passing on a bug.

EDWARD SCREAMS

Grow up. It's only a bear.

You're lucky we didn't get you a tiger.

Actually, that sounds pretty rah.

Might put one on my Christmas list.

SCREAMING: I don't like it.

OK, bored now.

Lunch!

While we were kings and queens and princes and princesses,

we were also a family.

And when I was younger, we loved nothing more than

spending time together, especially at Christmas.

Oh, I like presents the best.

Daddy! Yeah, and I liked spending time with you, too.

Thank you.

QUIETLY: But mostly the presents.

UPBEAT POP MUSIC

Oh, wait. Anne of Cleves isn't here.

You haven't invited all the ex-wives, have you?

There's only one left. All our mums are dead.

Three different mothers, all dead.

You'd think I'd remember.

Cooee! Oh, joy. Anne of Cleves is here.

Sorry, I was praying again.

Right, ready.

ALL: Happy Christmas from the Tudors.

It's Christmas and no-one's given me a present yet.

I wonder if Captain Christmas has hidden them?

He loves presents so much, we all have to buy him one,

even the courtiers.

Shall we do presents?!

Presents!

Well, no-one's got anything better to do.

I'll go first, because I got you guys

the best present ever.

Is it France? Oh, no. It's too small.

It's not Wales, is it? Cos I've already got one.

Oh.

You've translated a book of French and Latin prayers

into English. Oh, it's wonderful.

I embroidered it

with both of your initials.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Seriously, what did you get me?

It's cos I know how much you love religion, Daddy.

I mean, you literally started your own church.

Only so he could divorce my mum,

who died of a broken heart.

Why would you bring that up at Christmas?!

I'm quite aware that it's Christmas. MARY IMITATES ELIZABETH

Girls!

ALL ARGUE Girls!

It's present time.

Read the room.

Daddy, I've got you another present.

HE LAUGHS

I knew you weren't just going to give

me that silly sort of boring,

little book. Oh, it's the same one.

I made you one each.

It's, er, very nice.

FAKE COUGHING: Rudey gift.

Ask me what I want for Christmas?

OK, what do you want?

Well, we all know how generous you are.

Spent a whole year's tax revenue

for Christmas once.

Well, I thought a wonderful gift

might be to recognise me as heir to the throne.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ah.

Unbelievable.

ALL ARGUE

She's not even a boy.

King Elizabeth?! Sounds rubbish.

Honestly, I'm just happy to still be alive.

Families, eh?

ARGUING CONTINUES

Can't live with them,

but CAN execute them.

Good times.

AXE SLICES

So, there you go.

That's how you rule.

Mechanical dragons, wine fountains.

Bathing once a month, whether you need it or not.

Dressing up as your favourite mythical heroes.

Being ready to drop a galliard at a moment's notice.

And having a Groom Of The Stool ready to clear it up!

FARTING It's a dance, as you well know.

It's his favourite.

LAUGHING: I know. We're getting on though, aren't we?

I think it's fair to say,

when it comes to being a monarch, we both nailed it.

Follow these invaluable tips and you too

might rule one day.

Maybe.

Perhaps, if your dad's the King. Yeah.

Also helps if you're awesome at all sports, too.

BOTH: Thanks for watching. Goodbye!

IN STYLE OF: Get Lucky by Daft Punk

♪ You think you know so much of me

♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance

♪ Change wives almost as often as

♪ I change my underpants

♪ Apart from my great modesty

♪ There's other things you ought

♪ To know King Henry VIII, that's me

♪ Was brilliant at sport

♪ I was a star

♪ At competitive arts

♪ Though I look more

♪ Like a man who plays darts

♪ I learnt how to, just for fun

♪ And used my height against some

♪ I dressed as a knight and won

♪ No wonder that I got sweaty

♪ There really is nothing like

♪ The great feeling when you strike

♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike

♪ One-nil, back of the netty

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ I wasn't just a jouster

♪ Threw a javelin, you know

♪ Axe-fighting, dressage, archery

♪ All strings to my longbow

♪ Dad made real tennis popular

♪ I was a proper Federer

♪ Of course, no-one would beat the King

♪ At tennis I was betterer

SYNTH VOICE

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ My sporting lark's

♪ Why there's so many parks

♪ Green there and here

♪ Cos I liked killing deer

♪ But then I fell off my horse

♪ It landed on me with force

♪ And so, no more sport, of course

♪ That makes no more getting sweaty

♪ And as the years went by

♪ I fell in love with pie

♪ And soon after I... ♪

...could barely get off the settee.

HE SIGHS

VOCALISING ROCK VERSION OF THEME TUNE

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪