Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly middle ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

SCREAMING

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

VAMPIRE ACCENT: It is I, Count Dracula,

Lord of Transylvania.

You will find me in the darkness and...

NORMAL VOICE: That organ is quite distracting, actually.

Knock it off, Nige. Sorry!

Now, we all love a monster story.

No matter where or when you go, you'll find stories

of strange mythical creatures.

MAGICAL MUSIC Nice ones, like unicorns

and mermaids,

or... THUNDER CRACK

...nasty ones, like vampires and witches.

WITCH CACKLING From ancient Egypt,

to Tudor England,

to medieval Japan,

there are monsters everywhere.

And a few of them might even surprise you.

Collect all your favourite monsters

for Japanese folklore in Historical Pokymonsters - Run!

Featuring monsters from the last 1,000 years of Japanese history.

And when you collect monsters like Gashadokuro -

a terrifying giant skeleton that creeps around at night

crushing people -

you'll want to run!

Historical Pokymonsters - Run!

features all the best historical Japanese

monsters for you to collect.

Like Futakuchi-onna,

the lady with the extra mouth

in the back of her hair!

Jubokko - who looks like a tree,

but get too close and it will remove all your blood,

and leave your body for the birds to peck at!

Classic Jubokko.

Historical Pokymonsters - Run!

And don't just collect the scary monsters,

collect the weird ones too.

Like Kara-Kasa-Kozo,

the monstrous spirit of a broken umbrella,

with one leg and a long tongue.

He likes licking people

with his long tongue!

No reason.

And you won't be able to take your eyes off the screen,

when you see Bake-Danuki,

the Japanese raccoon-dog with magical powers.

There are hundreds of cool, Japanese monsters and spirits

to collect in Historical Pokymonsters - Run!

A game so good, you'll hurt yourself.

Now featuring third generation Pokymonster

Nurikabe, who appears as the wall

you can never get around.

Because, why not?!

Historical Pokymonsters - Run!

Catch them, before THEY catch YOU.

GIRL SCREAMING

Ah, lucky you.

You caught sight of one of history's rarest, and, dare I say,

most handsome creatures.

Yes! It's me - Henry VIII.

And though I may be a very real, ABSOLUTE legend,

I was a very big fan of mythical legends too.

Now, I have to warn you, Your Majesty,

your husband, King Henry,

is planning a surprise.

Ooh! I love presents.

Ah, yes, we all love presents, Queen Catherine,

but this is more likely to be...

GRUFF VOICE: Ha-ha-ha. Stand and deliver!

Stand and deliver. Stand and deliver.

Oh! Gertrude, Margaret - we are being ambushed.

I am Robin Hood.

Oh, they have us surrounded! Call the King.

It IS the King, Your Majesty.

I'm not the King. ACCENT CHANGING: I'm not the King, I'm Robin Hood.

Robin who? No, not... Robin Hood.

Robin HOOT?

What, like an owl? HOOTING

It is your husband, ma'am. We have to play along.

Why is he pretending to be an owl?

He's not. He's pretending to be some mythical bloke from Nottingham,

who hopped about in tights.

It's an English thing.

Ladies, when you've quite finished.

Yeah? There's sort of a whole thing going on here.

A lot of people gave up their afternoons. So... OK.

Help! Help! Better.

Who will save us from Mr Robin...

Wearing it on my head! ..hat.

Hood! Sorry.

GARBLED ACCENT: Ladies, we must away back to Sherwood Forest.

Good times.

Er, must you leave? NORMAL VOICE: Yeah, I really have to go.

These tights are so itchy and they're riding me raw!

But you cannot leave without a kiss. Ha.

Hang on, ain't you married? Yes. How I wish he was here now.

LAUGHING: He is here!

LADIES IN WAITING: Oh! Tis I - your husband - Henry VIII.

No, I know. We get it.

Yeah, I'm not Robin Hood.

You totes believed I was him.

EXAGGERATEDLY: Oh, no! Who are these large and handsome...

No, we've done that now.

Right, ladies.

We shall meet again in the wild wood,

wherever me arrow doth fall.

ARROW TWANGS SCREAMING OUTSIDE

Sorry, Simon.

Ladies.

KING AND MEN CHEERING

Do they do this sort of thing much?

Way too often.

One of history's greatest and most noble rulers comes to life.

It's 500 AD,

the time of King Arthur,

the English legend.

I shall unite this land. CHEERING

But he might actually have been Welsh.

WELSH ACCENT: Come on, boyos.

let's win this mingin' battle.

Er, some people think he was French.

FRENCH ACCENT: Uh, zis will be our day, mes amis. Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh.

While others say he was a Roman general. Uh...

ITALIAN ACCENT: With this-a holy grail-a, the cuppa-Jesus-a,

I will have eternal life and I will look-a this hot forever!

Or he could have been from Romania.

ENGLISH ACCENT: What?! I mean, am I not...

I'm not even going to try that.

With my sword Excalibur,

I shall crush my enemies in a frenzy of blood.

No, you won't. Excalibur was made up too.

But I will not do it alone. Yes, you will.

It seems Guinevere and The Knights Of The Round Table

didn't exist either.

Well, what DO we know?

The legend of King Arthur,

who we know, may not have existed at all!

What?! No...

Oh, you've caught me doing my facial.

What?

People are painting me, like, all the time, so I have to look my best.

But what special ingredient do I use in my ointments and balms?

The answer is C - unicorn horn.

Only the finest ingredients

go on this kingly body.

Of course, some people say unicorns aren't real,

and it's really the horn from a narwhal,

which is sort of a whale.

But I say... BLOWS RASPBERRY

Just because you haven't see something,

doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in it.

I've not seen my perfect wife, yet,

but I still believe I might find one, eventually.

Speaking of which,

leave me in peace.

I've got to keep this on for another ten minutes,

then I'm off on a date.

Please, let this one be my unicorn.

You know, during the reign of the Tudor king Henry VIII,

being a queen could be a risky business.

But during the reign of my Stuart king - James I,

being any kind of woman was risky.

He was also obsessed with witches,

and if you were a woman,

it didn't take much for him to accuse you of being one,

which was ridiculous.

Anyway, must be off.

CACKLING LAUGHTER

This is Jimmy On The Street.

I'm King James I, or Jimmy VI, if you're Scottish,

and I am your host and

I know all about the worst threat to our society -

wicked witches!

But don't worry,

because I literally wrote the book on how to spot them.

Let's get witch-hunting.

William Shakespeare,

get ready to ring the witch bell.

Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?

Yes, it is. He knows all about witches, too, you know.

He just added a bunch of witches to his new play Macbeth.

"Secret, evil, midnight hag." That was my favourite bit.

Yeah, well, I though it might have been.

Not that we added them to keep you happy, or anything.

Let's go!

Women! Are you witches?

No. Oh, how convenient! Just what a witch would say.

Have you got the witch's mark? What's a witch's mark?

Well, it's all in the book. Do none of you read?

Have you got a birth mark? No. A mole? No.

Freckles? Oh, I have got freckles.

Oh, you've got freckles.

Yay, yay, yay! Witch! Ring the witch bell, Shakey.

All right. Sorry.

BELL RINGING

Whoa, whoa! Woman! Are you a witch?

Er, I'm a man.

Men can be witches too, you know.

There's just less of them, because the Devil prefers frail women.

Write that down, Shakey.

Come on! Women,

be ye witches?

No. Well, come on, there's three of you.

Shakespeare wrote witches come in threes. Didn't you, Willy?

Yes, in a play... JIMMY GASPS

Ohhhh, are you the hags that tried to sink my wee wife's boat?

Ha! Are ya? Witch! Ring the witch bell, Shakey.

BELL RINGING

I miss Queen Elizabeth.

Witch!

Like King James,

I've got some solid advice on how to deal with witches.

SHOUTING: Just run away. Scream your head off. Aaaaaargh!

LAUGHING DEMONIACALLY

In fact, throughout history,

lots of people have offered advice on

what to do if you DID bump into a mythical creature.

You might want to take notes.

Guys, we really want to stay safe on this raid.

So, here are some self-defence tips that may help.

Ah, hey, we'll just be fighting a bunch of monks,

bash them on the head and steal their gold.

SWORDS CLANK VIKINGS GROWL

Hm. So Frida, picture this...

...the longboats arrived on an island. It is dark and cold.

What do you do?

Easy. Leap on to the shore

and form a shield wall. VIKINGS: Shield wall! Huh!

Then light a fire till morning. OK. Great.

The island drags you under the water and eats you!

It's not an island, it's a Lyngbakr!

You woke it with the fire. A Lyngbak-what-er?

It's a sea monster. You should know this.

I want another go.

OK, fine, Frida. You're on the boat,

you see a rocky island...

I...stay on the boat?

Good. The island sinks. Yes! Safe.

Then it explodes out of the water

with its mouth, eating you and the boat.

Bad luck.

The rocky island was a nose of a hafgufa.

Ah, man.

Blooming hafugufsen-lynkalynks!

The trick to hafgufas is to row for your life when you see an island.

Can I ask, is going on this raid compulsory?

I mean, I could stay home and look after the sheep.

BAAING It's a very important job, actually.

Way to get picked, Bjorn.

You meet a giant. What do you do?

Uh, take no chances.

I attack him with my sword.

Nope.

Um, smash him with my shield?

No, no, no.

Shield wall? VIKINGS: Shield wall!

You can't just say, "Shield wall." You're just guessing now.

OK. I have no idea.

Ha! I might as well dress up as Thor and try to scare him off.

Well done. Mokkurkalfi is the clay giant that is very scared of Thor.

SCREAMING It was a total guess.

Are all these real monsters? Yes.

They're mentioned in the sagas, so they must be real.

OK, a man approaches in a grey hood, holding a book,

he's mysterious and small.

What do you do? I run for my life.

Why are you running?

This one is just a monk with a bible. I tricked you! Oh.

Honestly, it's very hard to win in this game.

You should also look out for

trolls, dwarves,

Jormungandr the serpent,

the Fenris wolf that can eat the moon,

and Hel - the little girl slash corpse monster.

Any questions? No! THEY SCREAM

Guys, you can't skip the safety class.

It's really important.

Argh! It's Hel, the little girl monster.

Shield wall! Shield wall!

Dad, Mum says it's dinner time.

SHE SIGHS Parents are so embarrassing.

Next up, we are thrilled to have some real life

historical ghostbusters with us in the studio.

First up, it's Rie-Aie, a priest from ancient Egypt.

HE SCREAMS A ghost!

Where did he come from?

I just came in from over there.

So, Rie-Aie, why don't you show us some of your ancient Egyptian

ghostbusting methods?

Absolutely. We could cover ourselves in honey.

Demons hate honey.

Uh, no. I'm fine.

Mate, I'm fine. Honestly, I am fine.

Tell us,

what's it like to live in a fire station?

LAUGHING: Oh, no, no - that's the film. That's not real.

This is a REAL ghostbuster

from ancient Egypt.

Technically, a demon hunter.

Whatever. You're a serious professional.

Extremely serious.

Now, who wants to lure the demons out by spreading poo on their bum?

Well, if you think it will help.

OK, I think that might be a good time to say, "Goodbye,"

to Rie-Aie,

and bring in our next guest.

He is a Fangxiangshi,

an official 3rd century, Chinese, Hang dynasty ghostbuster.

HE SHRIEKS A ghost!

Where did you come from?

Over there.

Oh. Doesn't that outfit get in the way of your proton pack?

"Don't cross the streams!"

Again, that's the film.

This is a real historical ghostbuster.

Exactly. Although,

I don't work alone.

I have a small team of mediums, diviners, apprentices,

accountants, scribes, labourers and runners.

Plus, I sometimes use 10,000 boys with bows and arrows.

Oh. Let me show you.

Hang on a minute,

can you see with that on?

Nah, it's important the arrows are fired randomly.

Here we go. Ooh.

No! No. You've got to be kidding.

Hello - and don't worry,

nothing to be afraid of.

Though there's plenty of myths about us mummies

coming back from the dead to haunt the living,

we're teddy bears, really, underneath all this wrapping.

Us ancient Egyptians, we're a superstitious bunch, you see.

Some of us even believe that crocodiles

were the earthly representative

of the god Sobek.

That meant we were extra nice to any crocs we came across.

Hi, guys, and welcome to...

BOTH: ..One Stop Croc...

...the channel dedicated to the worship

of the crocodile god Sobek.

The immortal half-man, half-crocodile.

That's why we're extra nice to all actual crocodiles.

Like this tame guy, here.

We call him Lil Sobek. CROCODILE GROWLING

He's one of Sobek's representatives on Earth.

Ooh, who's a good little representative of Sobek

on Earth? Cute little representative, yes you are!

So, how do we worship him?

We're going to teach you

with today's tutorial.

Sobek your self,

before ya wreck urself.

Step One - jewellery.

How much is too much?

You can never have too much.

So, croc-a-dial... CHEERING

...it up to 11.

Ooh, Lil Sobek looks so fine. So fiiiiiine.

Step Two.

What should you feed your croc to keep Sobek the god happy?

In the wild crocodiles eat... Birds, fish, bugs.

But we like to feed our crocodiles

cake, bread and wine.

Step Three.

Crocodiles may act tame,

but always remember,

these are unpredictable animals.

In the wild, they can grab you in their giant jaws

and drag you into the river.

What do you do if that happens?

BOTH: Celebrate!

Congratulations. You have just become a minor god.

Getting dragged away by a crocodile

means that your body is blessed.

You'll be a semi-deity faster than you can say,

"See you later, alli... arghhhh!"

Hooray. I'm going to be a demi-god.

APPLAUSE I'm going to die.

You go, girl!

You know, we rats can be very superstitious creatures, too?

I never walk underneath the toilet when the seat's up,

and I've always been nervous about the number 13,

ever since I ate 13 suspicious sausages and got rather unwell.

TUMMY GRUMBLES

Oh! Of course, people have been superstitious throughout history.

Perhaps the most superstitious of the lot

were the sailors.

FARTING

Ooh.

HORNPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

Hello, sir. I was told you're the man to talk to

if I wanted to get a job aboard this fine ship.

Yeah. And who might you be?

I'm Jonah, sir. Jonah! THUNDERBOLT STRIKES

That's a terrible name for a sailor.

Jonahs bring awful bad luck.

The ship could sink with a Jonah on board.

HE WHISTLES And no whistling!

Whistling's bad luck for a ship, an' all.

I promise not to whistle, then.

SLIPPING SAILOR: ...water on deck!

Please give me a job. I want to travel the oceans.

HE LAUGHS I'm strong. Yeah.

I'm good with rope. Right.

I can swim. SWIM!

A good sailor doesn't know how to swim.

If you fall in - that's it - the ocean's taken you.

No point in trying to swim. Really? Yeah.

NEXT SAILOR: Are you all right down there, Daaaaave!

And there'll be no bananas on board!

SAILOR: Owww!

Please give me a chance. I don't know, mate.

A lot of red flags here for me.

Everything you're doing is bad luck.

Plus, it was a red sunrise this morning - bad omen.

And it's Friday -

unluckiest day of the week.

Ow, which idiot threw that banana?!

Unluckiest ship ever. I quit.

Well, on the other hand, it appears we have some vacancies.

Please, sir. Yeah, all right, you got the job.

But heed my warning, you have to pay attention to these superstitions.

Right. It's how we stay safe at sea... Argh!

Ooh. Man overboard. SPLASHING

Ooh, there's sharks in here!

Good job you can't swim, or that would be bad luck, wouldn't it?

UPBEAT ADVERT MUSIC

I'm Pliny the Elder -

author, philosopher and all-round great guy.

And according to Roman superstition,

spitting is a simple, effective cure for curses.

SPITTING

Is there a new baby in your family,

and you don't want anyone to curse it?

Simply spit on the ground three times, like this...

BABY CRYING

You spat on my baby.

You're revolting. And you're welcome.

BUZZING

Have you got an insect in your ear?

Well, not any more.

Simply get someone to flob in your ear,

and the insect will leave.

BUZZING

Or drown.

Did you know that spitting in the mouth of a snake

can cause it to explode?

It's worth a try.

SPITTING Arghhhhhh!

Not the beard! Please, not the beard.

You know, the Romans had a lot of great ideas,

but that was not one of them.

Actually, a lot of the most famous myths and monsters

have come from famous authors.

But their original stories were sometimes a little different

to the versions we now know.

And though their work is celebrated today,

this wasn't always the case when it first came out.

Hello, I'm Mary Shelley

and I wrote the famous book Frankenstein,

about a scientist who made a monster.

These are some of the actual reviews

that came out around the time that I wrote the book.

I hope they don't use the word "Genius" too much!

OK, so... "Frankenstein was... horrible and disgusting."

Oh, well. I guess there's always one.

"Gross inconsistencies."

I suppose... there's always two.

"Taste and judgement revolt at this kind of writing."

Oh, well, this one's just a list of insults...

"Plum. Massive turnip. Milk..."

Oh, no, no, no... Sorry, that's my shopping list.

Oh, no, no - here's a good one...

Wait - "his"!

Why do they think Frankenstein was written by a man?

I mean, I suppose I should be grateful

that they're not having a go at me for being a female writer.

I knew this was a bad idea.

You know what you can do with your reviews?

I, er, forgot my shopping lists.

It's story-telling week,

and head teacher Mrs Thomas needs a new English teacher,

because it turns out Mr Lewis

was very good at telling stories

about his qualifications.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I can't believe it.

I've only got Denmark's most famous author to fill in.

Every kid in the school will know his stories.

I mean, half of them have been turned into

massive blockbuster movies.

My name is Mr Hans Christian Andersen.

IMITATES TROMBONE

Ah...

Now, who knows any of my brilliant stories?

Ah! I love the film The Little Mermaid, Mr Andersen.

Ah-ha-ha-haaaa-ha-ha-ha!

That film is terrible.

When Mr Andersen talked about the film,

he used some very rude sounding words.

He said they were just Danish,

but I think they might have been Danish and rude.

So, in my original version of the story,

the little mermaid falls in love with the prince

after she saves him from drowning.

She then goes to ask the sea witch... Ursula?

Bless you. ..to turn her into a human.

We meet the sea witch while a toad is eating out of her mouth.

CHILDREN: Eurgh.

So, the sea witch gives the little mermaid

her legs, but the transformation

feels like she's being murdered,

and every step that she takes on her new legs

is like walking on knives.

Why hasn't the film got a song about that?

I don't think there are any singing lobsters

in Mr Andersen's original story.

Just endless horror.

So, in payment for being so helpful,

the witch cuts out the mermaid's tongue.

No more talking for the little mermaid.

We've had a couple of traumatised children

report to pastoral.

I just need to check Mr Andersen's

original version of The Little Mermaid.

I'm sure it's fine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Can we just read something else?

Isn't Frozen based on your book The Snow Queen?

Ah, The Snow Queen, yes.

I will read the section where one of the characters

gets poked in the eye with a shard of glass.

Step away from the book!

Mr Andersen has left us,

and we've offered the children counselling.

But I don't know if any of them will ever sleep again.

Hello, Mary Shelley here again,

author of Frankenstein.

But I wasn't the only writer in the family.

My husband Percy Bysshe Shelley was a great poet,

may he rest in peace.

Speaking of which,

what part of my husband's body did I keep after he died?

The answer is C - his heart, of course.

Keeping his toenails would have been so gross.

Thanks, Mary.

Nothing creepy about THAT whatsoever.

Mehhhh. There's just time before the clock strikes 13 -

CLOCK CHIMES OUT OF TUNE I really must get that mended -

to tell you about some of the greatest monsters of all time.

In fact, why don't I let them tell us themselves?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the scariest boy band around.

VAMPIRE ACCENT: And now I must take flight. Goodbye!

FLAPPING

NORMAL VOICE: Yeah, I'll just get the bus home.

HE SCOFFS

SPOOKY RAP MUSIC PLAYS

♪ Straight out of legend

called a werewolf

♪ There are stories from Greece Like the Golden Fleece

♪ Tales so scary, that you might go to pieces

♪ Stories from Rome Closer to home

♪ I weed in a circle And I turn my clothes to stone

♪ I always transform to a wolf and back

♪ Mess with me and I'm gonna attack... ♪

Realistically, I'll probably attack anyway.

Especially on a full moon. So, you know, do what you like.

Yo, yo, revenant where the medieval zombies are.

♪ We're straight out of legends

♪ Medieval zombie called a revenant

♪ 1,000 years old, but I still stayed relevant

♪ When I rise from the grave The people take flight

♪ But even when they lock the doors I hit them with the blight

♪ Breathe through the cracks Spread my plague - death

♪ You'll join me in the grave When you smell my breath... ♪

WEREWOLF CHOKING

That is rank! And I've got heightened smelling ability,

because of the wolf thing. Sorry about that.

Dracula, tell them about the vampires.

Eurgh!

♪ Blood suckers called Strigoi in a story

♪ Poshed up by the writer Polidori

♪ He made me a Lord Hard to kill with a sword

♪ Bram Stoker wrote Dracula And vampires soared

♪ Transylvanian lair But it's not really fair

♪ Stoker did research But he'd never been there

♪ Took my name from Vlad Who'd done a lot of killing

♪ Next to him I'm not a real villain... ♪

Don't tell them that.

You're supposed to be scary.

You're not even a legend, Frankenstein.

Hey... where are you from?

♪ I'm straight out of novels

♪ Book by a woman called Shelley

♪ I'm also made of parts From my eyes to my belly

♪ But my name wasn't Frank

♪ Frankenstein was the crank

♪ Sparked me into life While suspended on a plank

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ Or the minds of the writers

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ When you see us coming You're really meant to fight us

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ We're meant to spread fear But people hold us so dear

♪ Straight out of legend

♪ I love a good scare Kind of makes me despair. ♪

Strike a pose!

Can you send that one to me? Yeah.

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪