Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

...Banging Bling!

Ah, bling.

Jewellery, riches and money.

They say money makes the world go round.

Although we haven't always used actual coins and notes.

To begin with, people used to just swap or trade things with each other

as a way of paying for stuff.

Until someone in Greece in the 7th century BC

came up with the idea of coins.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm just off to see what I can swap this goose for.

Ow!

Ooh!

That pot costs two jars or a box of bees,

but don't try and palm me off with wasps,

I've been stung like that before.

Do you accept money? What's money?

Here. This is money.

It's a coin made from a mix of gold and silver.

What do I do with that? You exchange it for other things.

It's got a picture of a lion on it.

Oh, I see. I exchange it for a lion, do I? No.

What would I want with a lion? No, thanks, mate. Too dangerous.

No, it's not worth a lion.

That's just a decoration that tells you where it's from.

This is a Lydian Lion. It's the first coin.

The pot costs two furs, mate.

Feel the weight of the furs.

Now feel the weight of the Lydian Lion.

Suppose it does save me carrying around heavy furs all day.

All right. Yeah, I'll take it.

Thanks very much.

Morning. Hiya.

Do you accept Lydian Lions?

I certainly do, love, yeah.

Keep the change.

LION ROARS

Oh, come on!

Do you remember where you were when Julius Caesar

was stabbed to death?

I know I do.

I was stabbing him in the back.

HE LAUGHS

I'm Brutus.

And me and my senator mates

bravely freed Rome from the dictator

Julius Caesar by doing him in.

You know, people often say to me,

"Brutus, I wish I had a reminder of the time that you murdered that guy,

"like a special coin or something."

Well, you're in luck.

Oh, what is that?

I'm glad you asked.

This cushy little number will be a reminder of his brutal death

every time you pay for something.

Look, it's got daggers on it,

and a picture of me on the other side.

Isn't putting your face on coins the exact sort of thing

Caesar used to do? What's your point?

Didn't we kill him because of that sort of behaviour?

The Caesar murder souvenir coin from Brutus. Terms and conditions apply.

Brutus coins may not be valid in the event of Brutus' death

at the hands of Caesar's friends and family.

Excuse me? Nothing!

Brutus really did release a coin celebrating Caesar's assassination.

Talk about cold, hard cash.

Of course, once you've got loads of money, you can afford

to really splash it about and be generous with it.

And Mansa Musa, one of the richest men who ever lived,

certainly did that.

Good afternoon. I'd like to rent some of your rooms.

Sure. How many do you need?

All of them.

That's not going to be cheap.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not from around here.

Will this cover it?

Oh, where did you get all this?

I'm Mansa Musa, the ruler of the Mali Empire. I've got a lot

of money, so I like to spread it around, you know, I like to...

MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF I LIKE TO MOVE IT

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I like to spend it, spend it

♪ Got so much I can't spend it

♪ Here, have some, you spend it

♪ I like to spend it, spend it

♪ Got so much, I can't spend it

♪ Here, have some, you spend it! ♪

Half the gold in all the world comes from my fine mines in Mali.

So much gold, it mash up my mind.

Make me want to go to Mecca,

give thanks and pray.

And along the way, I pay to build a mosque nearly every Friday.

♪ I like to spend it, spend it Cash!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it Money!

♪ If you need some, I can send it Gold!

♪ Here, have some, you spend it

♪ Travelling light, we don't need many fellas

♪ Royal guard, teacher and storyteller

♪ Royal doctor, me wife and her maids

♪ Couple of officials, and can't forget slaves

♪ And 500 heralds in silk

♪ Heralds in, heralds in, heralds in silk

♪ How many? 500 heralds in silk

♪ So many heralds!

♪ Heralds in, heralds in, heralds in silk

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I love it!

♪ I like to spend it, spend it I'm serious!

♪ Got so much, I can't spend it So much money

♪ Here, have some, you spend it. ♪

I mean, I said to her, "I've been stung before."

I'm a sensitive guy.

Argh!

We have them, the treacherous Saracen Barbarians.

Our army will rid the world of these monsters, Your Majesty.

Attack!

THEY COUGH

Our enemy, King Richard, is here,

and he is powerless before us.

I know exactly what our master,

the Sultan Saladin, would have us do.

Send for the doctor, poor things.

Here, guys, let me help.

Are you OK? Take a seat, sit down.

Please, take a moment, you're guests. Mm, not really.

Our army's come to kill you and your whole savage army.

Death to the unbeliever...!

HE COUGHS

Yes, yes, there's plenty of time for that.

Listen, Saladin is the richest, most generous leader in the Holy Land,

and I know he wouldn't want to fight you in this condition.

I'm blind... I'm blind!

Oh!

It's OK, petal.

Oh, oh...

...I see again.

Sorry.

Anyway, I know Saladin, and he's not just rich here,

he's rich here, too.

So listen, get your strength back.

Rest, eat well.

We're a bit short of food, actually.

Here, take this fruit basket, bro, it's good.

Loads of good fruit in there.

Thanks. And is there anything else you need?

You know, money, jewellery, a horse?

Ooh, actually...

...because I do need a horse.

Consider it done.

Saladin's generosity has no limits.

Oh, well...

...I'll see you soon, then,

for the war!

Oh, of course, I'll let the Sultan know,

but no rush.

Yes, you just make sure that you're good and strong,

and we'll be here waiting.

Absolute savages, aren't they, sir? Monsters!

Did you know that Saladin gave so much of his wealth away

that, when he died, he didn't have enough cash

to pay for his own funeral?

Amazing.

But some people in history weren't so generous with their bling.

They just spent it on themselves.

Take Henry VIII.

Most of us don't spend a fortune when we go camping,

but Henry was not like us.

When he went camping in 1520, with the King of France,

he spent so much money, the campsite was called

the Field of Cloth of Gold.

Four of the last five kings of England have died

in mysterious or violent circumstances.

That trend ends with me.

I'm Henry VIII,

and this is X-treme Survival!

Tip one - self-defence.

Britain's been at war with France on and off forever.

Coming to the border between English and French controlled France

may not have been the smartest idea.

I may need to defend myself in a hurry.

Look around you. What do you see?

A stout branch...

...sharpened, would make an excellent spear.

Well-positioned leaves can make excellent camouflage.

But what I like to do is...

...contact my enemy, King Francis, in advance,

sign a peace treaty,

and throw a big festival to celebrate,

with tournaments, singing, dancing,

wrestling and archery.

Le good times. Survivre a l'extreme!

Although technically speaking, this whole area should be part

of France, and I may have to attack next year.

Good luck with that.

Tip two - shelter.

You've made peace, but it's not just people that can be hostile.

You may find yourself battling the elements too.

You need shelter. Look around you. What do you see?

Trees. Bushes.

A simple shelter made from branches could keep you alive

on a cold night.

But what I like to do is have my men build a field full of massive tents,

with actual windows and our own chapel.

10,000m of tent city, baby!

It's so big, they call it the Field of Cloth of Gold.

Lush. But you're going to need some food in there.

So what I like to do is bring 3,500 sheep,

850 veal calves,

bunch of pigs,

and there's a fountain that squirts actual wine,

obviously.

You all right, mate?

Bit quiet.

Tip three - companionship.

Many a man has gone mad in the wilderness

with no-one to talk to but a few rocks with faces drawn on them.

This is Edward.

And this is Edward too.

I've never been good with names.

Isolation can be a deadly enemy.

Look around you. What do you see?

Well, the countryside might provide the solution -

walking, hunting, fishing.

But what I like to do is travel with over 6,000 people with me,

including my wife

AND a toy mechanical dragon kite.

I take over 1,000 extra people with me too.

A duchess, 10 countesses, 12 Baronesses,

20 knight's ladies, 14 general regular ladies,

a chaplain and some bishops.

That's X-treme Survival.

Hardcore.

I'm Henry VIII.

It's 1520, I'm in the Field of Cloth of Gold,

and I've got a mechanical dragon.

This is X-treme Survival!

Just me for the end one, I think, doing the X.

Yeah. Thanks.

As you can see, Empress Dowager,

it is incredibly important we spend the money to reinforce our navy.

We could be at war with Japan any day now.

Yes, I can see how serious this is.

The money should be spent on...

...my 60th birthday party.

But the Japanese... I'm not inviting them! It's my party.

And happy birthday in advance,

but there'll be plenty of money left over

after paying for the party, so we could spend it on...

84 triumphal arches, 14 stages

and a ten-mile procession!

Well, even so, there still ought to be...

A million pieces of silk and a whole bunch of temporary dragon buildings

and a huge amount of yellow porcelain

covered in tree blossom and butterflies and all sorts!

Your Imperial Majesty, we have no shells for our guns, we have no...

Gunpowder! Exactly.

For my fireworks. No! Ah!

We are in mortal danger of the Japanese!

What do you propose filling the cannons with?

We could use the broken pots. Your Imperial Majesty, we need a...

A boat! No! Wait, what?

Yes, a boat. Several, actually.

Modern gunboats. Ah, at last!

A boat made entirely of marble!

Marble?! Well, what would you make a party boat from?

A party boat? Made of stone?

I mean, do you think one's enough? There'll be so many guests!

Your Imperial Majesty, I must warn you, you run the risk of having...

The best birthday party ever.

SHOUTING AND CANNON FIRE

Reverend Scott, are we prepared below?

Yes, Dr Beatty, ready to receive casualties.

With Admiral Nelson in charge, the casualties should be few enough.

I predict a fine victory.

Look - there he is now.

A master at work.

Oh, no!

He's wearing the full bling, the coat with all the medals on.

We might as well have a big arrow pointing at him

saying, "Please shoot here." Please tell him to take it off.

Not likely! The admiral's better at giving orders than taking them.

We can't lose the battle in the first five minutes

cos Nelson gets shot!

Napoleon's forces have snipers in the riggings.

They're going to see him immediately!

Why don't you tell him? Tell me what?

Er, Dr Beatty was discussing how big your...

How big my victory against the French and Spanish navy will be?

Yeah, tell me about it. No, no, we were, um...

...suggesting... A location for the victory party?

Yeah, good point. They do book up. DISTANT SCREAMING

It was actually about your medals.

We thought maybe the uniform might, er... Aah!

Look totally amazeballs? Yeah, what can I say?

Look how shiny it is.

Admiral Nelson, over here! MAN SCREAMS

Oh, sounds like I'm needed. Boom - laters.

BULLETS RICOCHET Ahh! He'll be fine.

The medals are so big the bullets will bounce off them like armour.

Victory is still guaranteed. No doubt about it.

Nelson's been shot!

Oh!

Bad time to say, "I told you so"? Very bad time.

I guess getting all blinged up so people notice you

isn't such a good idea when you've got French snipers looking for you.

But there are things other than jewellery - heh -

you can splash your cash on, like some expensive art.

Mind you, you don't always get what you pay for,

even when you hire a couple of legends like artistic rivals

Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo.

SHOT WHIZZES PAST Oi!

Sorting out the beefs of the past... Can it, Harold!

...with the justice of today.

Well, that arrow in your eye will be the least of your worries.

Welcome to...

Rival Renaissance artists Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo

have been summoned to discuss some issues with their craftsmanship.

Ah, so, Leonardo, help me.

Why do you think you're the best artist then, hm?

I mean, where do I start? I painted the Mona Lisa,

The Last Supper, Vitruvian Man -

I mean, that's the greatest example of the ideal human body.

MICHELANGELO SNORTS Not including yours, Judge.

Is smooth.

MICHELANGELO SIGHS These are the words of a child.

A very talented child genius with a beard.

I painted The Last Judgment, the Sistine Chapel,

and I sculpted the statue of David.

I might sculpt a fist and chuck it at your mouth.

Come on, then. I'm waiting.

Come on, then! Quiet! GAVEL BANGS

Can you Renaissance masters master the etiquette of court?

Si. Disgraceful.

Mi scusi. Now, as I understand it, you were commissioned to do murals

at the same room at the Palazzo della Signoria,

so I assume, given the two of you are the greatest in the world,

that it went quite well, no? DA VINCI SIGHS

It's not a great example of something going well, no.

To be honest, it's not something I prefer to talk about.

Oh, for goodness' sake. Bring the witness in.

I don't think we need to do the witness.

Oh! Oh, not this guy.

Oh, he's got a face on.

Ah. Thank you for coming to court today, sir.

As I understand it, you commissioned these two artists, didn't you?

How did it go? Don't be a big snitch.

Let me paint you a picture. Yes.

Michelangelo hadn't even started his after years of waiting for him!

Yeah, but, it's still in the design phase, so...

And Leonardo, he tried to dry his with fire

and nearly burned down the hall!

It's wet paint. It needs to dry. What do you want from me?

I hired two of the greatest artists of all time... Thank you.

...and I got one burnt wall and one with nothing on!

Thank you so much for coming, sir, and for your honesty.

Now, do either of you have anything to say for yourselves?

Just that I really hope all the best for Michelangelo,

and I hope that he... So sad how bad he smells.

Unbelievable! I'm old! I'm a very old man, don't hurt me!

Order! Look, get them out of my courtroom.

There's only room for one diva here, and that's me.

THEY SHOUT Argh! Please... Out! Out!

Spending money on art? What a ghastly idea.

Us Puritans were not fans of any kind of extravagance,

so we didn't like the monarchy,

and you can probably guess what we made of their biggest bit of bling,

the Crown Jewels... CLANG

Good morrow and what's up? I'm Helpless Humiliation Harris.

Welcome to my ThouTube Puritan craft channel.

This week, my guest is Henry Mildmay,

Master of the Jewel House, which holds the crown jewels.

What we doing today, Henry? Today I'm going to be showing you

how to make the Crown Jewels - terribly sorry.

I'm going to be showing you how to UNMAKE the Crown Jewels.

I'm going to be destroying them. Nice!

Aren't you meant to be looking after them?

That is what I did for the King, but I now work for his enemy.

Parliament are not so hot on the royals.

OK, so now that we don't have kings and queens,

we don't need the Crown Jewels, so I'm going to be breaking them up,

melting them down and raising money for the new government. Great.

Let's start with the King's state crown. Lovely bit of kit.

About 500 years old. Stunning.

Talk us through what you're doing there, Henry.

So, right now, I'm hitting it with a hammer. Mm-hm.

And can anyone, sort of, just do this at home? Er, yeah.

If you've got crown jewels at home, feel free to do it, yeah. Argh! OK.

What we've now got is, sort of, piles of precious metals

and we'll melt those down, make coins,

and they'll be worth maybe...£1,000?

Right, and how much were they worth before?

It was priceless. OK.

Next up, we got the royal jewelled sceptre

that belonged to Edward the Confessor in the 11th century.

Very nice.

Obviously, it'll take Henry a long time to totally unmake that sceptre,

so here's an orb that was unmade earlier.

Full instructions are available on my ThouTube channel

or are just on the screen right now.

Thank you so much for coming, Henry. Yeah, thanks for having me.

Funny thought, I hope they don't reinstate the monarchy.

They would not like me!

Don't forget to check out my sister's Un-Make-Up channel,

where she shows you how to, sort of, remove all of your make-up

because we're making a law to ban it. Like and subscribe!

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Those Puritans wanted to get rid of any bling

associated with the monarchy,

and that can be the problem when you have lots of nice things.

As history has shown us,

there are always people who'd like to relieve you of your bling,

whether that involves stealing it from you,

tricking you, or just setting things on fire.

Hmm...

Help! Fire! My building's on fire!

Oh, dear. What jolly bad luck.

Hey, you're Marcus Licinius Crassus, the politician and general,

and you've got your own private fire brigade with you. Have I?

Oh, yes, I have, yeah. What a brilliant coincidence!

Yes. Coincidence.

That's one way to put it.

Take a seat, fellas.

Now, then, I'd like to buy your building.

What? Well, OK. It's nice and warm,

and all the fire escapes have been tested very recently,

but I do need to sell really quickly.

It's worth about 10,000 sesterces. Are they going to put the fire out?

That depends on how this negotiation goes.

I'll give you 5,000.

5,000? But I won't be able to buy a new house for that!

CRASH Make that 4,000.

Please get your fire brigade to put the fire out.

I will... once you've sold me the house.

You're one of the richest men in Rome!

You can afford more than 4,000 sesterces! 3,000,

and I got that rich by buying hot properties like your own

for knock-down prices.

HE LAUGHS

You get it? They're hot property,

and knocked down. It's very good.

2,000. Oh... sold.

Sold to the horrible man with his own private fire brigade,

who just happened to be passing when my building caught fire.

Like you said, a lucky coincidence.

Yes, I think once the fire's out, I might knock through.

CRASH Oh. There's no need.

You're the greediest, most horrible man I've ever met!

I hope you choke on your gold. Sorry, can't stop to chat.

Need to head over to the Aventine Hill.

I heard a little rumour there may be a fire there

in about an hour's time.

See you later!

Grr!

SCREAMING I wasn't ready!

Is your kingdom being raided by Vikings?

Yes - it's happening right now.

Then you need Danegeld Viking Insurance.

For just 10,000 pounds of silver,

we'll make sure they never invade you again.

How will you stop them invading?

Oh, we just won't invade.

Terms and conditions apply. Paying the Danegeld

does not affect your rights because you don't have any.

Remember, the Danegeld can go up as well as down,

and if you fall behind on your payments

your kingdom may be at risk.

Other Viking kings are available and might invade you anyway.

What did she say? Oh, that's the terms and conditions.

No-one listens to them. Sign up today!

Well... There's a free gift.

That's a finger. But it's still free.

Sure. Why not? What could go wrong?

Danegeld Viking insurance.

For all your "not being invaded by Vikings" needs.

SCREAMING

What are you doing? I already paid you not to invade!

Yeah, but that was ages ago.

16,000, now, please. But I...

It's either that or a very long, expensive war.

Just think of the savings.

This is the last time, OK? No more invading.

Promise? Pinky promise.

SQUELCH It's another free gift.

Terms and conditions apply. Yeah, I'm not going to listen to those.

SCREAMING Come on!

I already paid you off!

What, because you pay one Viking off, that buys off all Vikings?

Like we all live in the same village?

24,000, please.

I can't afford that. Oh, dear.

You know what happens? Terms and conditions apply.

Paying the Danegeld does not affect your rights

because you don't have any. Don't worry about this.

The Danegeld can go up as well as down and if you fall behind,

your kingdom may be at risk. Important but...

Other Viking kings are available... That bit.

...and might invade you anyway. You don't pay,

we take everything away.

Danegeld Viking insurance.

We're making a killing by not making a killing.

Didn't even get a free finger.

Hmm. Almost as bad as people taking your money

is people faking your money.

Take this coin I found in the sewer.

One way to tell if it's real is to bite it.

SNIFFING Oh, phew.

Might give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Luckily, for every faker, there's usually an investigator

and one of these, would you believe,

was famous scientist Sir Isaac Newton.

He was one of the greatest mathematical minds ever

and was also made Warden of the Royal Mint,

tasked with the job of sniffing out counterfeiters

who were making fake coins.

Ah, Isaac Newton. Welcome to the Royal Mint.

Your desk is just... Oh, I won't be needing a desk.

You know, I was put on this Earth to do two things -

explain gravity and fight crime.

And I've already nailed gravity.

Yes, well, we do have some problems with people making fake coins.

Some problems? According to my calculations, there are...

...over 100 counterfeiters at work right now

and I intend to find them all.

That's why I've made myself a Justice of the Peace

in all of the home counties. Oh, there are other people who...

I've also hired a crack team of spies, informers and enforcers

to infiltrate London crime gangs.

Now, where do you keep your weapons? HISSING: Where do you keep them?

Weapons? Er, Isaac, this is the Royal Mint.

We just make the coins look nice.

Fine. I'm off to London's seediest pub to talk to some criminals.

CRASH

Attention, assorted lowlifes and vermin of London!

I'm renowned scientist Isaac Newton and... Who?

Isaac Newton, look it up.

And I'm looking for someone with a pocketful of fake coins.

You'll never get me, Newton!

MAN GROANS, THUD Now that's physics.

Isaac, you've made over two dozen arrests,

very impressive, but do you think perhaps it's time

to let the proper authorities deal with this now? No.

I still don't know who the kingpin is. If I can't work that out,

you might as well take my badge and my weapon. Ooh.

Where'd you get those? You really shouldn't be carrying weapons.

You know, you've been very keen to hamper my investigation

from the start. HE SIGHS

Mr Chaloner. It appears you've been making fake money

under everyone's noses all along.

I knew you'd work it out in the end.

No-one escapes the genius that is Isaac Newton! Yes.

And I'll spend my reward money on ridiculously risky investments.

Wow.

Maybe not a total genius, then.

So, bling has been around,

collected, stolen, faked, and even shot at

for thousands of years.

But has anyone in all that time

liked bling more than the good old pi-RATS?

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

They were the absolute OGs

when it came to looting some sweet, sweet bling.

But I'll let them tell you all about it.

Farewell, me hearties!

Arr... RATTUS COUGHS

Oof. Oh, throaty, that.

MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF SHOTGUN BY GEORGE EZRA

♪ Pirate operator

♪ There's none greater

♪ Blackbeard's my name

♪ Stealing's my game!

♪ It's no surprise I cause a scare I keep lit tapers in my hair

♪ Now take me to your loot. ♪ VOICE WOBBLES

Ahem. Excuse me.

♪ I don't need your silver and gold

♪ Cos they're far too heavy in my hold

♪ Give me cumin, nutmeg and all of your wine

♪ Anything I can sell will do fine

♪ Look out cos here we come Sailing in the hot sun

♪ Flag has got a skull on - see?

♪ Here's what my advice is Hand over your spices

♪ Or get cut into slices... ♪

No, I'm serious.

♪ Anne Bonny, Mary Read

♪ Equal opportunity

♪ Gonna take your rum Fetch a tidy sum

♪ Secret sales to the colonies If you want tea, it's me you see

♪ But don't tell the governor

♪ We may be bad But in case of dispute

♪ Pirate's Code means you'll get your fair loot

♪ And when we're caught we'll claim pregnancy

♪ It's what's known as pleading the belly

♪ Sail the Caribbean Underneath the hot sun

♪ Ship with 36 guns

♪ Stealing from everyone Then sell it back to them

♪ Spend it on having fun... ♪

Yeah!

♪ We're a floating shop Sell at every stop

♪ Be it sugar or spice All competitively priced, so...

♪ A pirate's life isn't quite what it seems

♪ Some have even robbed ships for the Queen

♪ We'll scare you just enough So you give us your stuff

♪ Cos I'd rather keep my cutlass clean. ♪

But we will kill you if we have to.

♪ On the ocean we roam

♪ Under skull and crossbones Galleon is our home... ♪

Ah-harr!

♪ Stealing is a pleasure We don't bury treasure

♪ Spend it at our leisure

♪ Oh, living life on the run Underneath the hot sun

♪ Easier said than done Yeah-yeah!

♪ Cos there'll be retribution We'll face prosecution

♪ And then execution Oh, yeah. ♪

Forgot about that. Not ideal.