Original subtitles

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

♪ Punishment from ancient times Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fearsome toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

On the menu today, Henry VIII enjoys a light snack...

BELCHING

..dessert is served at 10,000 feet...

..and we enjoy a sumptuous sip of Georgian tea.

But first, we're taking it way back to the Stone Age

for mankind's earliest breakthrough in home-grown cuisine.

Well, after nothing but meat and nuts and nettles for months on end,

this is a welcome change. What do you call it?

Lentils. Mm, yeah.

And the genius thing is, we can grow them ourselves.

So we won't have to forage for food any more.

They sound perfect. Yes! Yes!

Yeah, almost. There's one issue, it's hardly worth mentioning...

SHE FARTS

Yes, there's something I can't quite put my finger on.

SHE FARTS

I think I'm getting to the bottom of it...

SHE FARTS

Still, a very useful source of...

SHE FARTS

..sustenance.

It could change the way we live. Yeah, with a steady supply of food,

we wouldn't need to move around so much.

We could stay in one place and build houses!

THEY FART

Ones with lots of...windows. Yeah!

THEY FART

IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Bonjour, madame et monsieur, it is I,

Monsieur Rattus, ready to lead you on a culinary adventure

through all of history.

IN REGULAR SPEAKING VOICE: Hmm. I'll be honest, I think I've bitten off

more than I can chew with that French accent.

But I am inviting you to dine on a feast of snail sausages,

pan-fried crickets and the house special, a BLTA.

That's a Better Leave That Alone.

HE CHUCKLES

I think it's fair to say that us rats don't have a reputation

for being fussy eaters, but, you know,

some of history's biggest names have had strange eating habits too.

Three historical strangers, three dinner parties,

one love of food. Welcome to...

First up to host, it's Roman Romeo, Mark Anthony.

I'm just doing a traditional Mark Anthony feast,

so preparing wild boar eight different ways,

and it has been exhausting.

Not for me, obviously, for the slaves.

I haven't done anything.

Let's have a little looky.

Let's hope he gives it top MARKS.

Mm. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Last time I tasted something that good,

I gave the chef a house. Oh, really? Oh, that would be amazing.

I'm not going to do it now. I can't keep doing that.

Plus it needs more boar.

Of course, knew it was missing something.

On with the feast and first guest to arrive is iconic monarch

and lover of food, Queen Victoria!

Hi, come on in. Welcome.

And what do you do? Fighting, mainly.

Very short skirt. Yeah, well, it's practical.

He's terribly impressive. Professionally-speaking, of course.

Next up, surrealist artist and actual author a cookbook,

Salvador Dali.

Hope you don't mind me bringing a lobster.

Here, have a cauliflower.

Not what I'd bring to a dinner party, but each to their own.

With the guests seated and the lobster having a nap,

it's time for the feasting to begin.

Let's eat!

Actually, I've changed my mind, let's not eat.

Or maybe not.

What is the meaning of this?

Sorry, sometimes I change my mind about wanting to eat.

And then change it back again.

Let's eat!

Remove the food! Let's not eat.

It's present time.

Guys, this is my wife, Cleopatra. What have you got there?

It's Mark Anthony's birthday,

and everyone gets presents on his birthday.

I love presents!

Actually, it's kind of given me an appetite. Let's eat!

With mealtime over, or possibly just beginning,

it's time for the scores.

Yeah, I think it went pretty well.

There wasn't very much if you don't like wild boar,

but I do love presents.

So, seven out of ten.

I mean, frankly, it was a bit weird for me.

I'll give it purple lemon out of ten.

I mean, give me the trophy now.

Ow!

Weirdo left his pet lobster there.

Wait for it...

Ow! There you go.

That's going to leave a mark... Anthony.

Let's hope Queen Victoria fares better

when she has the boys round for dinner

in the next instalment of Come Feast With Me.

It's so sore!

Hello! I'm Queen Elizabeth I, and I love sweets and sugars so much

that I had all sorts of things made out of it, even the plates!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Normal plate. There's a couple of teeth I'm not getting back.

My question for you is, which of these

did I also have the cooks make for me

in order to satisfy my sugary cravings?

Was it...

The answer was A.

And B. And C.

What can I say, I've a very sweet tooth.

Still a real plate.

Your Majesty, you are aware of customs relating to feasting

on a Friday, are you not?

Oh, yes. Absolutely no meat on a Friday,

just fish. Rules are rules.

Your Majesty, you're eating a bird.

No, no, no, no. This is a barnacle goose.

Yes, a goose. Yeah, but it's got the word barnacle in the name,

and barnacles are those little volcano things that live in the sea,

along with, you guessed it, fish.

You can't just eat it because it's got

barnacle in the name, Your Majesty.

It's clearly meat. Please back me up, Bishop.

The eating of meat on a Friday is against God's law.

But the barnacle goose has the word barnacle in it,

so it's clearly a fish.

Bish knows fish. Mm, lovely meal, Your Majesty.

Wait, no, uh...

You can't eat that either.

That's beaver tail.

Well, where do beavers live?

Not in the sea, for a start.

No, but they live by the water.

Sometimes their delicious little tails, um...

Hang down into the water, therefore...

BOTH: Fish.

Fish dish, Bish? Don't mind if I do.

That's swan! Fish. Fish!

Your Majesty, nothing on this table is fish.

Seal, porpoise, whale, puffin!

Fishy, fish, fish, fish.

Swim, swim, swim, swim.

Fish!

Meat cannot be cooked and served on a Friday.

Tell, me, milady, is there a custom against noblewomen

being cooked and served on a Friday?

Delish fish, Bish.

Beaver tails, eh? I might have to consider them for my menu.

Although, of course, I need to cater for vegetarians, too,

and I'm not sure my probably-cheese pies are going to cut it.

I can guarantee there isn't any meat in those,

but I don't think there's any cheese in them either.

Hm. Maybe I can take inspiration from the original veggie cook book,

dating all the way back to 1691.

Hi, I'm Thomas Tryon,

and I'm here to share my delicious meat-free diet

in this first-ever vegetarian cookbook!

A range of simple recipes I've called Wisdoms Dictates,

Or Aphorisms And Rules, Physical, Moral and Divine,

For Preserving The Health Of The Body And The Peace Of The Mind,

Fit To Be Regarded In Practice By All That Would Enjoy The Blessings

Of The Present And Future World

To Which Is Added A Bill Of Fare Of 75 Noble Dishes

Of Excellent Food Far-Exceeding Those Made Of Fish Or Flesh

Which I Present To The Sons Of Wisdom Or Such Shall Decline

That Depraved Custom Of Eating Flesh And Blood!

Snazzy title, huh?! Yes, that's an incredible range

of 75 completely and utterly unique meat-free dishes

for you to try at home.

There's bread and eggs!

Egg broken into a pint of ale.

So many choices, all totally different,

but don't just take my word for it.

Hi, I'm the American Revolution's Benjamin Franklin,

and I used Mr Tryon's book to try on being a vegetarian.

But it didn't have enough fish in it.

And with all that egg and bread, he didn't poo for several days! Ssh!

What a glowing endorsement if ever there was one!

Buy my book! There's something for everyone!

As long as they like bread and eggs.

Welcome back to Come Feast With Me. It's Queen Victoria's turn

to host, and naturally Dali's turned up in a diving suit.

At least he's left his pet ocelot outside.

GROWLING Let's hope it's been fed.

Our main course has been cooked by my personal Indian chefs,

and for entree, an anti-fart bread, because, while delicious,

I do find the food can create rather a build-up of gas.

DALI'S STOMACH RUMBLES

Oh, good timing, but the little door is stuck!

I can't eat the anti-farty bread! I...

HE FARTS

Too late.

Oh, well. Um, let's eat.

Yeah.

Wait. No-one eats until the queen eats.

In she goes. Oh, she's got it.

Is she gon... Ah!

Ah!

Are you going to keep doing that? Yeah. Oh.

This could take a while...

Hmm, oh, ooh!

Honestly, she's weirder than the guy with the ocelot.

V out of X.

Where is that ocelot?

Out of ten, I give her a fish, a bicycle,

and a sense of foreboding.

Clear as a bell, Salvador, you're hosting next!

Good luck, everyone.

There'll be no anti-fart breads on my menu, I tell you that much.

Letting rip is all part of the fun. It adds a sense of danger

to a meal out, and even in history's most genuinely dangerous situations,

like the First and Second World Wars,

people's thoughts have still turned to food.

Gentlemen, thank you for joining me to discuss ze impending aerial raid

on our British enemies.

We will be unleashing 22 P Class Zeppelin airships

on the unsuspecting Brits. Death shall reign from above

und victory shall be ours!

THEY CHEER

One small thing, to help build ze airships,

we will have to ban ze production und eating of sausages.

Now, targets. We shall begin by...

Yes, Ludendorff?

Ja. Um, sorry.

Why are the sausages being banned? Cos we require the sausage skins

to make ze hydrogen bags which will keep ze Zeppelin airborne.

Now, we shall strike Great Yarmouth first.

Yes, Commander Strauss?

Do you not sink zis plan is a little extreme?

It is true, there will be many civilian casualties,

but we believe zat deploying zese airships is absolutely necessary.

I was talking about ze sausages.

I beg your pardon. Banning zem entirely.

Could we not ration them? I'm afraid not. The guts of 250,000 cows

are required to make a single Zeppelin.

Have we considered an alternative approach?

Vell, we did consider landing ze troops on ze beaches...

No, no, no. To ze sausages?

Perhaps we could make ze Zeppelins from something less delicious,

like carrots or broccoli.

No! It must be sausages. Zese airships are vital

for the war effort. It is the Zeppelin that will break

the British morale!

I think you should consider what banning sausages will do

to the German morale.

A world without sausages isn't a world worth fighting for.

Right! That's it, I don't want to hear any more about sausages.

Now get out, all of you!

Wait.

Hand zem over.

Unbelievable. Auf Wiedersehen, my delicious friend.

Zis plan is the absolute wurst!

Huh, who's there?!

Don't shoot.

What are you doing out in no-man's land?

I thought I could hear the British moving towards us,

so I went to look. All I found was this. What is it?

A grenade? No. It's a tin can.

It's what they keep their food in. Curse them!

They're in our country and they're eating better than us.

I don't know about that. I heard it was just a mush of turnips,

beans and animal fat.

Wait, wouldn't waiting a lot of that sort of thing make someone...

FARTING IN DISTANCE What was that?!

Well, it wasn't me.

FARTING

Did you hear that? They heard that in Gallipoli!

And smelled it too!

Cork it, Simpson. They'll hear us!

I can't help it, Sarge, it's these Maconochie cans of food

we've been eating. They're very , uh...

LOUD FART

..dry.

Well, keep it down!

It's the British, they're out there, sneaking up on us!

I wouldn't call it sneaking...

Sorry! For goodness' sake, Perkins, clench!

You're giving away our position!

Right, OK, that was me. I'll take that one.

Cor, I'm glad these uniforms are brown.

There's an Ottoman outpost just up ahead.

Are we in position? Sounds like they're going to attack.

Smells like it too.

On my whistle. PEEP!

But that wasn't it! I think we should retreat.

Because there are too many of them? No, I just can't stand the smell.

MULTIPLE FARTS

They've gone. Looks like they left in a...

LONG FART

..hurry. I'll light a lantern and see if they have any fresh food.

No, don't light a...!

When their nation called...

..they answer.

Here she is, the Flying Fortress.

We'll be taking her up to 10,000 feet on a bombing raid

over Nazi enemy lines.

You know what that means?

Ice cream.

Huh?

Why are we taking a cannister of liquid cream?

It might be liquid now,

but if we anchor it to the rear gunner compartment

and then fly at high altitude, what'll happen?

It'll get shaken up.

And freeze, becoming...

Ice cream!

Yes, siree bob.

I'm scared. We got no choice, Mickey.

We're nearly out of tutti frutti.

What's our situation? They're turning nicely,

but we need to go higher so it freezes.

Mickey! Mickey. No!

No! Don't worry, man.

This is raspberry sauce.

It goes a beauty on my tutti frutti.

Emergency landing, prepare the fire engine!

CRASH!

And the wafers.

Yeah! Woo!

Woo!

Gentlemen, we've got another mission.

ALL: Rocky road flavour!

This is...

It isn't just during wartime that food and drink

can be dangerous.

Of course, sometimes even just preparing food

can be a deathly serious business.

We monks often make food and drink, both for ourselves

and to sell, but sometimes the work comes with unexpected consequences.

That's why I stick to bell ringing.

It's much safer.

BELLS RING Wah!

Brethren, I have some bad news.

We have a wine order from England.

They want the stuff from cellar number four.

The wine in cellar four has gone off and when it goes off, it goes off!

Poof! That is the wine the English want.

I don't know why, it's gone all fizzy.

But the glass in our bottles is too thin to hold it.

One false move and we will have a champagne supernova in the cellar.

What can I say? The English have no taste.

I need a volunteer.

I'll do it. Oh, I was going to say I'd do it.

Someone has to, and it's not like I have children.

None of us have children, Pierre, we're monks.

That's what we say if anybody asks, huh?

I will pray for you, Pierre, from a safe distance.

HE MOUTHS A PRAYER

Oh. Huh?

Whoops... Oh!

GLASS SMASHES

Forgive me. Yeah. This is actually quite delicious.

We have a selection of refreshing drinks available

at the Rattus Brasserie,

including champagne, sumptuous sewer water and, of course, tea.

Us Brits enjoy an average of 100 million mugs

of hot loveliness every day!

I like mine with just a dash of milk and 25 sugar cubes,

which might explain why I've got no teeth.

Ha-ha!

Tea wasn't always so popular, though,

as it was originally very expensive

and, in the past, it also looked and tasted a whole lot different.

Hi, brew fans, it's me, Georgiana, and we are really, really lucky

to have with us today Lilly from Lilly Loves Food,

which is the second most popular Georgian food channel.

Hi, guys! What a cute little show you've got here.

I can't understand why you don't get more likes!

Me neither, actually!

It is so good of you to visit.

In fact, I have made you a lovely cup of tea.

Gosh, I love tea. So exotic!

We all know that tea can be really, really expensive.

In fact, some people can't even afford it.

Can they, Lilly? MEOWING

So, you know how they use, like, ground-up bones in bread

or clay in sweets to make them go further?

Well, these guys have basically done the same thing with tea.

This is Annie's Back-Alley Tea and it's kind of a bit like, um,

a tea mashup. A mashup!

I do this thing on my channel... Yeah, we all know.

We know what you do. We know what you do.

So, it's made from tea leaves that have been used and then dried out

and then used again at least three times before just being mixed up

with whatever other random leaves

they find lying around on the ground.

I actually love that gritty texture. That will probably be the brick dust

they use to give it the colour.

Plus, there is a secret ingredient.

The tea company have written it down on this sealed scroll

and we are allowed to reveal it to you guys today!

I don't even know what it is! OMTea!

Exclusive! I know!

You must try some too, and why not add some of this new divine milk?

Oh, milk is so white! I'm not surprised, it's got chalk in.

Ah. I've brought some sugar. Good!

How many would you like? Just one is fine. Just one!

Drink it. Mm.

And this sugar won't rot your teeth because it's mostly sand.

Gritty!

Great.

Well, it has been so lovely to have you on my show,

and thank you also to Annie's Back-Alley Tea

for giving us both...

..a year's supply!

Oh, wow, thanks! I know!

So, I guess all that remains is for us to raise a cup

and reveal Annie's secret ingredient.

Cheers! Cheers.

BAA!

Don't forget to subscribe.

Sardine flappers.

Dolphin bricks.

Tuna tasties.

Oh, hi there.

We're trying to come up with a name for our new invention,

battered bits of fish in a stick.

What do you think?

Funny.

When you hold them up like that they almost look like fingers of fish.

Oh!

Fish fingers! Brilliant.

Man, I'm good.

That's what we'll call them. But tell me, which of these names

did we genuinely nearly go with?

The answer is A, Herring Savouries.

Well, all this talk of fish has made me hungry.

I might have another block o' haddock.

Oh, no, that's not right. What did I say?

What was I going to call them? Tuna tangs?

Pilchard nuggets?

Pike scratchings?!

No!

It's the final day on Come Feast With Me

and Victoria and Mark Anthony have come to Salvador's house

for dinner. I'm sure this won't be weird at all.

I'm a little surprised. I mean, it's, uh, colourful.

Looks a little odd but it does look edible.

Don't touch it! How can we eat it if we don't touch it?

You can't eat it, it's a work of art!

Creme brulee, bring out the pudding!

So, for dessert, thousand-year-old eggs, frog pasties,

and toffee with pine cone.

Actually, maybe leave it where it is.

Look, I'm as much of a pudding guy as the next man,

but I wouldn't feed that to my slaves.

It was butus.

Two words - nailed it.

But has he? Time to find out the name of the winner!

OK.

In last place, it is...

..Salvador. Ah! Gherkin pennies!

I'm actually gutted.

In second place...

..we've got Queen Vic with the fart breads.

SHE FARTS

Really should have brought some with me. Sorry.

And, uh...

Yeah, the winner is me!

Uh, forward slash my slaves, because I didn't do any of the work.

Still going to keep the money, though.

Well, it's been a fun week on Come Feast With Me,

and everyone promises to stay in touch.

Just not with each other. Bye!

Well, there you have it, the end of our foodie adventure,

and now the best bit, for dessert, the leftovers in the bin!

Don't mind if I do!

HE MUMBLES

Sorry, where are my manners?!

Well, I haven't got any, but in the Medieval Age, they had whole books

dedicated to manners and the strict rules you should obey

when eating and drinking.

Thanks for watching.

♪ Sitting down to my dinner, making myself crazy

♪ Out of my mind, out of my mind

♪ Worried that I'll once again sneeze into the gravy

♪ Too many times, too many times

♪ That I...

♪ I've got books of manners on the shelf

♪ So I...

♪ I have special rules that I can teach myself

♪ Teach myself

♪ One, don't pick up a bone

♪ Unless it turns out that you're eating alone

♪ Two, take my advice, try not to scratch your head lice

♪ Three, please avoid farts

♪ We don't want to hear blasts from your hind parts

♪ And if you scratch your ear

♪ I got food rules, I count 'em

♪ Medieval rules, I count 'em

♪ I've got the books to teach myself

♪ Got to wash my hands each night when I sit at the table

♪ I never slouch, I never slouch

♪ Got a special spoon and knife I use whenever able

♪ Kept in a pouch, a special pouch

♪ But I, I've got books of manners on the shelf

♪ So I can teach myself

♪ One, don't dip bread in wine

♪ If you're feeling ill just pretend that you're fine

♪ Two, don't eat too much or too little, aim just for enough

♪ Three, don't pick your teeth

♪ And always say grace just to show you believe

♪ Sit up nice and straight

♪ Don't stare at your neighbour's plate

♪ I got food rules, I count 'em

♪ Medieval rules, I could 'em

♪ I've got the books to teach myself

♪ Got to read these books so I can be so prim and proper

♪ But each time the food comes out I always come a cropper

♪ One, don't be weird, make sure not to have any food in your beard

♪ Two, stuff you don't eat

♪ Chuck it on the floor Throw it right by your feet

♪ Three, if you eat too much

♪ Just sneak off and undo your belt a touch

♪ And if you have to spit aim it away from where you sit. ♪

I said away! It went right in my soup!

Ah, c'mon, at least secure the leeks.

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪